Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Bunnings and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

You need a friend today? Paloma has you covered - and is your host for the day! She'll take you through things you can say at Bunnings and also in the bedroom, and share a story of Ryan coming!... on too strong. Toni and Ryan are back on deck on Jan 3! Love ya xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, my name is Paloma Alisop, and I'm from Dallas, Texas, and today we're doing a throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. Tony and Ryan are back on January 3rd with their dumbest idea yet, that's taking this hot fun garbage podcast to a whole new level. Coming up today, the time Ryan came on a little bit strong with someone he just met. But first, this is things you can say at Bunnings and also in the bedroom. Things you can say in Bunnings and in the bedroom. By the way, for people not in Australia or New Zealand, Bunnings is a massive hardware store.

Yeah, hardware store. Which is also a hardware store slash cultural phenomenon. Yeah, it's a part of our culture. It's the rich tapestry of Australianisms. Bunnings is in the middle. Apparently, fuck, I sound so old. A lot of young people now will like go to the pub on a Sunday with like a Bunnings hat or a Bunnings.

Like it's a bit like cool and hip. But that is hip. It is hip. It is hip. I love when you go to Bunnings and like there's people. If I was single, I would go to Bunnings to pick up because there's always like hot dudes with dogs and stuff. That's your area.

Yeah, and they're in like the plant section. I'm like fucking, yeah, nice. Fucking put your manure on me. Whoa, don't do that. me whoa no no no no can someone please in today's episode thread maybe we'll start a list of things that tony has mentioned over the years over the years over the episodes that she really likes and so we can create like the perfect man oh because we've heard tats we've heard has a dog at a hardware store yeah we can create like the perfect man. Oh. Because we've heard tats. We've heard has a dog at a hardware store.

Yeah. We've heard near the plant section. Yeah. And you don't mind a tattoo, do you? Yeah. Yeah. You can't go wrong. And I saw this guy on the TV this morning and he was holding like one of those baby Bjorns and I had a baby in it and he had a man bun and i was like oh my god

all right so you can see what we're getting out here we're creating quite the picture but here's things you can say bunnings and also in the bedroom should we cop a sausage before we go shopping or after also we did election last week can i just say say that we don't have a sausage at everything in Australia, but hardware store and election are the two main things. You get to the hospital and they're like, would you like a sausage sizzle? You're like, my leg is broken. You're from Australia.

I thought everything just had sausages. I just assumed. I hear you want me to lay some pipe. Cool. PBC? Copper? I hear you want me to lay some pipe. Goodness. PVC? Copper? For a small tool, it can come in my massive box. You see the big box and you think, God, it must be huge.

How am I going to fill that with my small tools? You looking for a screw? They've got a heap of them down there. A whole aisle. Fuck, the lowest prices really are just the beginning. If you find a competitor with a lower price, I will beat them by 10%. Did you want to come down my aisle? Yes.

Which one? Aisle 69. It's sad that no one outside of Australia Royal Museum will get to experience this. Can't you travel? Are you on a no-fly list? It's COVID. There's border restrictions. Oh, sometimes doing it yourself really is better.

You get exactly what you want. I've got the actual opposite of that. Unfortunately, I've had to resort to being a DIY guy. You can tell the differences between women and men. Yeah, you're obviously better at doing it than I am. I'd rather just do it myself. I'm like, I have to settle for this. This guy.

At least you're saving money. Do we need a wet floor sign we need to put a top down for the moisture that just came out of your face when i said that oh my gosh you have moisture coming into my face more like we're recording in a different studio today and Derek has just lost it in the corner. Our producer Scooter Derek, he's on the floor. Could you come around and mix my paint? That's what you call it?

Yeah, I just need an off-white. Oh, it's all over the wall! Oh, and the floor! We'll never get it out of the carpet! Hey, after I told those stories about going to the sperm bank last week, we agreed that there would be no squirting jizz stories for a reason. Just not in an Uber. You just can't come in an Uber.

And that's a good line to draw, I feel. Oh. With this tool, looks like we're going to have a big weekend of boring holes. Hey, my holes aren't boring, mate. We're going to buy some lube. Because you can use that for... Many things. Yeah, yeah.

Do you sell PPE? Because I'm going to need protection for this one. No seeds will be planted. We're wearing gloves. Oh, you found me. Must have been using that stud finder. Do you mind? I just don't think it's really working for me.

Do you mind showing me your power tools? I already did. That's all we've got. I just need a bit of an extra hand. A bit more go. Excuse me. Yep. You looking to erect a deck?

I'm always trying. Oh, you must know where the concrete is because that is hard as a rock. I don't think I've ever seen your mouth open like that. Mine's constantly like that. You haven't seen my face look like that because it's usually bumping into the back of your head. This could also be used at a 7-Eleven.

No. I need to make a quick purchase before I cut your boyfriend's grass. Are you buying a lawnmower? Just doing some work around the house for you as well. We talked about that the other week, the helpful hookups. Yeah, I like that. That is a great idea.

I think my new toy might need some batteries. It'll be better for both of us. Hey, Tony. Yeah? What kind of mood are you in? Because I might get some grip clamps. Not quite sure how to feel about that. Well, there's no way that wood's going to fit my hatchback.

If you rub a bit of oil on the wood, it'll slide in a bit easier. Did you want me to oil your deck? Was that easier? Yeah. Well, I mean, no one finishes off a deck like you. I've always said that. You know that. Yeah, I've always said that.

Hey, this is Paloma, and you, Toni. And me? Yeah, cool. How long when you meet someone do you give them before you start showing your true colours? And I feel like anyone who listens to this podcast will understand, like Tony and I and probably you listening,

have a bit of a dark sense of humour or maybe an adult sense of humour. Is that a nice way of? A bit naughty. A bit naughty? Yep. Yeah, and even in a professional setting when you're in a meeting and you go, oh, you know, how long till you drop a swear word? Yeah.

Or like say something. So do you have like a, maybe not a rule, but do you just try and read the room? What's your kind of vibe on this? I read the room, I think. I know that I'm a zero to 100 person. So if I'm meeting someone socially, like I want them to feel included straight away.

So, you know, if it was me and a few mates and somebody, an outsider, came in or whatever, then I'd try and make them feel comfy straight away. But also, like, you know how you kind of can be a different Ryan? How so? Like if you. Like professional Ryan? Yeah. I'm at uni going to class, Ryan.

So at my job, so the job that I've just quit. You'd be a totally different person. Yeah. Professional Tony. I'm still quit. You'd be a totally different person. Professional Tony. I'm still me. No slippers. Yeah, I'm wearing shoes. But I'm still me.

Like it's still Tony, but it's not like I would never, ever be rude or make anyone feel uncomfortable. And my boss, recently we were like interviewing for my job because I've only just quit. And she was like, oh, just make sure that you know. And I was like, how dare you? She knew. No, she knew.

She's like, oh. I would never, though. I know Tony, so I'm just going to be like. No, I would never do that. You wouldn't. But we know the real Tony. Yes. So, like, I can see why she would have thought I hope she brings

a professional game, but I also know that you would bring your professional game. Yeah, I would never, ever. Can you imagine logging onto a Zoom job interview? A meeting you. Oh, good. Hey, mate. How you fucking going?

Yeah, I've got a podcast. It's good. I don't wear shoes when I do it. But I think everyone's got to have that thing, but generally speaking, zero to 100 pretty quick. So we won't mention the organisation or the type of business yesterday. The setting. But is it fair to say you and I yesterday were in what you would have assumed

a very professional environment? Yep. Quiet. It was very quiet. A quiet office. There were other business professionals doing business professional things nearby in earshot. And other consumers, other clients, other customers.

Other clients, yeah. Because we have a business now. We do. Congratulations to us. I know. Do you think, we were very well behaved. Well, we walked in there, we sat down, waited for our turn, we were chatting amongst ourselves.

But the person who was the professional who we were there to meet. The person who was the professional. He got a vibe from us that these guys were a bit of fun and happy for a joke. Yep. And then he made a few jokes. We laughed and then he went. To Neptune on his planet of jokes.

I was literally just about to say another planet. Yep. Because how much do we want to divulge? Well. What about the. No? We're not going to mention that? No.

Okay. Well. Just beep that out. What should have taken, in his words, 10 minutes, took about an hour 40 because we were quote unquote having fun. When he said this normally takes 10 minutes, but I'm just having such a fun time, that's when Tony and I fucking turned. Yeah, and we were, he was so lovely and he helped us out.

He was also extremely inappropriate. Yeah, it was very inappropriate, but I just felt bad because there were other clients in the building. There were other professionals and we were both like, oh. But also, and this is not me having like tickets on myself, but, you know, it is believable because you got recognised at the bagel shop the other day. You got papped by a tarpa.

Yeah. I assumed when we went in there and he was really friendly and kind of like dirty straight away, I was like, he must be a tarpa. He must listen to the pod. Because he was saying dirty, disgusting jokes. Dirty fucking stuff. Fuck jokes.

Like fucked shit. Like fucked shit that I would say to Ryan and be like, beep that out. Yeah, really fucked shit. He was saying fucked shit. And we just assumed, well, he obviously knows the sense of humour. He's obviously a tarpa. Yeah. And then what, an hour and a half into the business meeting, he goes,

cool, I just need to finish this form. How would you describe the business? And we go half into the business meeting. Yeah. He goes, cool, I just need to finish this form. How would you describe the business? And we go, oh, it's a podcast. He goes, oh. Do you guys have a podcast? What's it called? And we were like, hang on. Were you just making those fuck jokes to any client walking

into this professional business? He just thought we were any old people. And then right at the end of the meeting, so another half an hour later, one of his colleagues said, oh, my God, I love you guys. I watch all your Instagram reels. And the guy who'd been helping us for six hours was like, do you guys do videos? Like he had no fucking idea who we were.

The disgracefulness of the jokes he was telling. I was like, you must listen to our show. You get it. You must do. But he's just fucking any old Tom, Dick or Harry that walks in there, he's laying it on that thick. I feel. When he told that story about.

We'll beep that bit out as well. Yeah, beep that out. Yeah, and then when he. Okay. Something happened to me in the office. Two new professionals I was working with. And I want you to tell me if I've, like, overstepped the line of, like, new professional acquaintances. Oh, no.

I think if you have to ask. Well, because do you remember when we went and had, oh, it was the Age photo shoot, the article that just came out, and instantly as soon as we walked in there, I was like, oh, can you see my gunt? Oh, yeah. You said that straight away. Yeah, straight away.

In front of a bunch of strangers. It's had by heaps of people. All these people like doing our makeup, fixing my hair. How would you describe the reaction? It was a bit like, you know when you do a double take, like you hear what someone says and then it registers and you go. What? It was a bit like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the lovely Simon Schluter who was taking the photo, he had a bit of a giggle but, I mean, he did cover up my gunt in the photos, which is lovely. Let me take you to explain what happened here behind the showbiz curtain. Wow. So a lot of.

A real insight. A lot of big name famous people will often do demos and tests for big media companies to see what they're like. Oh, yeah, see if they've got good bones. Yeah, or just to see where you're at your best. For example, there's probably in the back cupboard at NBC a demo of Amy Schumer hosting a quiz show just to see what it looks like, see what she's good at.

I'd like to do that. There's probably a video of a Kardashian hosting a Tonight Show because someone. Well, Kim Kardashian did do SNL. No, but like a Tonight Show where you're like hosting like. Oh, like Dave Lemondon. Yeah, Lemondon. And so what happens is the networks, when there's people

who are like celebrities, they go, let's put them in a bunch of different environments, see what works best for them, see maybe we need a change in a few years and we know what they'd be like. Okay, can I ask a question? Yeah. What would your, okay, sorry, this is off topic, but say you're in that position, they go, what demo do you want to make?

What demo do you want to make? Like what would your ultimate be in that situation? I'm not saying this because it sounds fucking cheesy, but what I would want to do is you and I are doing not saying this because it sounds fucking cheesy. Yeah. What I would want to do is you and I are doing it right now. Oh, mine's SNL. Yeah. Oh, I see.

I don't have to wear my shoes there either, so that's good. So anyway, I won't reveal the name. Please don't. But I was asked to like kind of chaperone, be the third wheel of these two celebrities who want to do like a radio show or a podcast. I'm like, Ryan, can you be the middle man, do the ins and outs, help them out. Yeah. And so it'll be the three of you, but like let those two shine

because we want to see what they're like. But we want to kind of keep it rolling along so you can push them around a bit. Yeah. So, and again, don't want to out them. Yeah. But is it fair to say within Australia, two pretty well-known names? Definitely. They've been on like, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

Celebrity MasterChef. Yeah. I'm a celebrity, Dancing with the Stars. Like one of those kind of, you know. They're stars. Yeah, within Australia, very household name. So I said, all right, guys, send me some like YouTube videos or podcasts or TikTok.

Just send me some stuff that you like and then if I, you know, figure out that you're into like pranks and stuff, we can do some pranky stuff. Or if I find out you like some big stories, if I get a vibe of what you like. Then you know what you can do. Yeah. Yeah.

So there's a group chat going, right? Between the three of you? Yeah. On text? In the DMs, the three of us. So that first piece of paper is what I said, send some fun stuff through. Yep.

And just say, can you just read what's there? Speed golf. The funniest challenge we've ever done. We haven't even recorded a demo and I already want all three of us to play this game. So it's this fun YouTube video where they're like drinking and running and playing golf and it's a really funny YouTube video. It's literally like the beginning of the chat.

Yeah. This is like that's the top of the chat. Yeah. And so. What the fuck? So I've spoken to these people on the phone once and I get that and I go, oh, I'll send something funny if we're sending YouTube challenges to one another.

Oh, Ryan. I'll send one back as a lol and have a look at my reply. If we want a real challenge, real dick versus dildo challenge. What's the photo, the cover photo? A guy facing the other way laughing and I'm guessing the chap standing behind him is either going to put a dildo or his dick in his bum and then he has to figure out which one's which. Hey, if you're into YouTube challenges, maybe we could try this.

How did the two Australian celebrities take that? Okay. If they just didn't report. Because that's you coming on like thick and fast. Real thick. Don't say real thick. Don't say thick. Don't say real thick.

That's zero to 100 stuff. Is it? Have I misread? That's Tony Lodge saying times a million. Is that me being the professional yesterday? Right. So. These are celebrities.

You're representing the company to be like, yeah, I'll organise this demo. I'm a professional. And you said, oh, maybe we can put each other's dicks in our asses. Or have we? Like. Would you not have said that? Probably not at the beginning of the chat, no.

So there were no more messages in the chat. And when they came in to do the demo, it just was not referenced. And we did the demo and it went well. They didn't say anything? You're joking. No. Have they seen it?

Maybe they haven't seen it. Are you on read? I'm on read. By both of them? Yep they haven't seen it. Are you on read? I'm on read. By both of them? Yep. Oh, my God. So now every time I see those celebrities, and again, without trying to out them, they're people who you can't help

but not see because they're on posters and billboards and every time I see one of them for the rest of my life. Are you, okay. What was the title of it again? Real Dick vs. Dildo Challenge. Are you, okay. What was the title of it again? Real Dick vs Dildo Challenge.

In this situation, I obviously, I don't like tension. No. And I don't like feeling like maybe I've overstepped or said the wrong thing, which is hard to believe, I understand. It is hard to believe. Do you know what I would have done by now? What? I would have messaged the group chat again, been like, guys, yesterday was so much fun.

I hope it was good. Just to make sure that that's not the last thing in that chat, just in case. I can't leave it there? I don't think so. What if they didn't really overly see it and I just don't want to remind them that there's a group chat going? Do I just let that group chat fall to the bottom of the pile

and never be seen again? What if they didn't really see it but they think it's really funny and then they're like, we want Ryan to be in our show? Well, bad luck. I've got a co-host, mate. That is exactly what I wanted you to say. Yeah. Hey, this is Floma and thanks for listening

to this throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. Why you love to see it is, okay, I've always been team Tony, but today I'm team Ryan because he threw out a suggestion of watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and at first I was not into it, but I restarted watching it, and I'm obsessed. I love it. I can't stop. I just want to watch it all the time. Tony and Ryan are back on January 3rd. Thanks for listening.