Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: How to use SOAP

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Kimberly Majors (Kimberly Minors) is on the mic for us today - you're in great hands! We chat about sexy online shopping, and the infamous soap discussion rears it's ugly head. Toni and Ryan are back on deck on Jan 3! Love ya xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, this is Kimberly Majors, also known as Kimberly and Miners. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee, and welcome to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. Don't worry too much. Tony and Ryan will be back on January 3rd with their dumbest idea yet, and it will take this hot, fun, garbage podcast to a whole new level. On today's episode, Tony thought she was going to get a sexy, scandalous toy in the mail, but first, unflappable Tony. On the 1st of January 2022, Tony Lodge rolls into the studio and says,

New year, new me. That did happen. That did happen. I'd spent Christmas with family in Albury. I am cool, calm and collected new Tony. I am unflappable. Yep. And as people who are a part of the Tony and Ryan podcast have learned.

Come to realise. That Tony, in fact, is flappable. But. She is not unflappable. In fact, she's very easily flapped. But can I say, I feel like credit where credit is due, I get a lot less flapped now than I did last year. I've worked very hard on being less flapped.

Let's re-evaluate in about eight minutes. Fuck. Okay. Natalie writes in, her husband has got a PhD in economics. Pretty huge dick. Natalie's husband's got a pretty huge dick. Wow. Natalie says, my husband's got a pretty huge dick and a PhD in economics.

So what she's trying to say is, though, he's actually a very highly capable, intelligent person. Yeah. Switched on, learned mind. He refuses to use calendars because he prefers to be surprised by the day. Now, actually, let's get you to write letters back to these people. Can you write a letter to Natalie's husband with a pretty huge dick? Hi, Dr Dickhead.

Surprised by the day, what do you mean? I've got a lecture on, cool. No. Better go teach some economics. But, like, you can still be surprised and delighted by your day and know what's coming up. Yeah. I just think that people that do that and have that attitude

are the same people that would be fucked off if somebody forgot about an appointment with them. Well, he wouldn't know about the appointment because he doesn't keep a calendar or a diary. But say he remembered that, Ryan, you were supposed to go around there and you were going to have this hour-long meeting because you had this thing. He had to do prep for it.

So he's like, yep, I know that I've got to do that on Friday. Mental note, doing that on Friday, I've got to prep this stuff. And you didn't rock up because you went, oh, I just like to be surprised by the day. Like you wouldn't feel good about that. And so, Dr. Dickhead, what I'd like to say to you is you're a fucking idiot. Wait, no, I'm not flapped by that. Next one.

There's just no way. How can you live your life that way? This might not flap you, but it's pretty fucking gross, I think. Okay. Are you a gross? You don't get freaked out by gross? Not really. I'm pretty gross.

Yeah, actually, you might appreciate this as being efficient. Stevie's friend went to a person's house to hook up. Nice. Remember hooking up? No, it was so long ago. Yeah. Couldn't remember. Good answer.

Sounds awful. When we finished, she... He had a PhD as well. When she graduated from that PhD class, she went to have a shower. Fair enough. And asked if there was any, like like soap or body wash or whatever. And he gave her a little bar of soap, which was actually made up of 40 or so tiny little bars.

You know when a soap gets so small there's just like a tiny bit left? So this guy over the years had kept those little bits that were too small to use and mushed them together, making a new bar of soap of 40 leftover old bars that he'd been accruing for years. Soap costs 50 cents. Like a bar of soap is not expensive. Can you please title this Dear Stevie's Friends Hookup? Dear Stevie's Friends Hookup.

Soap, a bar of soap, costs literally 50 cents. It costs nothing. I just have a problem with bars of soap in general. It just freaks me out. I don't like it. What do you mean? I'm a liquid soap on a loofah girl. Yeah.

A bar of soap, there's a lot of places stuff can get lost. Do you know what I mean? Lost? I thought you said it could go. I thought you were going to say it could go. Lost. You just don't know when it's going to slip away. What happens when it reappears?

Well, then. Where'd that come from? Oh, last Thursday I had a shower and I was wondering where that went. You just do a little queef, it's like little bubbles come out. It looks like your vagina has rabies. It's foaming at the lips. Is she all right? Oh, my God. out the lips. Is she all right?

Oh, my God. She's foaming at the mouth. She's like, there's nothing on my face. Has she got rabies? No, the other mouth. Has she got rabies or does she not know how to drink a pina colada? It's coming back out. Holy moly. I'm not a bar of soap person.

Okay. But can you imagine going to someone's house and them being like, borrow my bar of soap? The fact that it's 40 little ones squished together is like a whole other thing. Neither here nor there. But borrowing a bar of someone's soap that's been in their bum. In their bum? How are you guys using soap at your house?

No, but it's like being in and around your bum and your nethers. Oh, except around. You know no zones. I don't know about in. How are you guys using soap at your house? No, but it's like being in and around your bum and your nethers. Oh, except around. I don't know about in. But, like, when you're soaping yourself up, do you, Ryan? You lather up your hands and then use your hands. What? How are you using soap?

Is that actually how you use a bar of soap? Is that how you knot? Oh, my God. What have you been doing? Oh, my God. You've been putting the soap. Don't make, oh. I've used soap at your house. I've been taking the bar into the areas that it needs to go.

Are you supposed to just, like like flap it up in your hands and then scrub like this? Well, you wouldn't lose it in any orifices. Oh, my God. This is the fucked fact. We're all learning new things. Wow. Okay.

With that in mind, does it worry you, though, that other people are using it that way and then they're using your soap and, like, et cetera, et cetera? I didn't think it was a thing until just now. I think we'll, in the thread, can we do a poll or something? Yeah. And say, do you use the bar of soap on your body or lather up your hands and then use your hands?

Because I reckon people are doing what I thought you were supposed to do. But that's why I use a loofah because that just freaks me out using the and then when you're holding the bar of soap, it like slips out of your hands. Because it gets all wet and soapy and then you're holding it and it like you're holding it and it just goes like slips out. So that is why I don't like the admin of a bar of soap. I feel like one of us is about to learn an incredible lesson in life

20 or 30 years too late. But I honestly don't know which one of us that's going to be. Okay. Like when people discover that some people wipe their butt while sitting and other people stand to wipe their butt. What one are you? Well, I was. What one are you?

I was a sitter. Yeah. Are you a sitter? Yeah. Or maybe I was a stand. I don't know. But then someone said, oh, which one are you? And I was like, I didn't realize there was two ways.

If I stood up, the poo would just get smushed around into my bum. I do it while I'm sitting. Interesting. Do you go around the front or in the back? Around the front. Are you joking? What? No.

No. Let's not. No, let's not. Let's not. Let's not. Let's not. Because when this debate happened, there was a guy who went from the front and went back to front.

No, you can't do that. Yeah. That's how you get chocolate balls. Have you ever heard that really disgusting joke and it's like, how many calories is eating out a girl? And it's like, depends what way she wants. Oh, my God. I'm cutting that out. Cancel the podcast. I'm cutting that out. No, leave it in. No, I'm cutting that out.

Cancel the podcast. I'm cutting that out. No, leave it in. No, I'm cutting that out. That's fucked. Leave it in. That's fucked. Sorry about that.

That is fucked. It is fucked, but leave it in. Okay. I mean. Hey. I'm flapped. Are you flapped? I'm fucking flapped.

I was just about to say. I am flapped. I flapped you, so all I've got to do is be disgusting and then you get flapped. Are you flapped? I'm fucking flapped. I was just about to say. I am flapped. I flapped you, so all I've got to do is be disgusting and then you get flapped. Good to know. Carrie Williams doesn't set an alarm. She just hopes for the best. No, Carrie, fuck off.

A friend of mine getting married this Saturday. What? Yeah. Who? Not a little bit of a say. Oh. 250 people. Your friend? Like a little bit to say. Oh. 250 people. Your friend?

Like an acquaintance, someone I know. Getting married this weekend? Yeah. Do I know them? If they're an acquaintance of yours, I must know them. I don't know them well enough to be invited. I was going to say, are you going to the wedding? No, I'm not.

And 250 people are going. 250 guests. Because a lot of extended family on both sides. And it was one of those ones where both parents got involved and it was like, you've got to invite your auntie and her friend from the church. And don't forget Noni that we lived next door to for two years, fucking 20 years ago.

She said genuinely of the 250, there would be 150 that she knows or met, 100 strangers. that she knows or met, a hundred strangers. Because, again, her partners, aunties, fucking whatever. That sounds awful. Yeah. And also, you're buying 250 people dinner. Yeah, it's going to be a spending one.

Fuck. Lots of extended family on both sides. Apparently there's also a lot of exes that have to be kept apart. What? Like his sister used to go out with her cousin and like. Oh, fucking hell. The seating arrangement would be an absolute nightmare. Oh, here we go.

So the wedding's this Saturday. Thursday today. Yeah. She hasn't done it yet. The seating chart. There's 10, there's 25 tables of 10 each. And she's just not doing a chart or she still has to do it and hasn't done it yet? Yeah. She hasn't got around to it yet. She has to do it. And when I was chatting with her yesterday, just said, oh, I've just been so stressed. I got to get something about the menus, the last minute run around. She goes, oh, and I got to do the seating plan.

And I was like- That, the last minute run around. She goes, oh, and I've got to do the seating plan. And I was like. That's not last minute run around. And I said, like, you mean like print it or like confirm it or like send it to the venue? Or like do it. She's like, no, no, no, like. Write it all down. I've got to do it.

Figure it out. Yeah. Oh, I feel like, I mean, I would never, I don't know enough people to have a wedding that is big enough for that. I don't know that many people. No. I also don't think that I would have a seating plan at a wedding. If I were to have like a large wedding,

I don't think I would have a seating plan at all. But if you're sitting down for dinner, which they are, it actually you have to because then you're just basically outsourcing the awkwardness to everyone else because then they have to go, oh, where should we sit? You know what I mean? Sometimes it's nice to be just told what to do and you can do it. That's a good point.

Oh, fuck, but that's a big job, especially you've got Noni, who you used to live next door to, can't sit next to Bob because they, you know, kissed once at somebody else's communion and, you know, like. Let's call it Marie, her Marie. Let's call her Marie. Dear Marie. Hi, Marie. You're a fucking idiot and you absolutely should have done this months ago.

I bet you didn't sleep on getting, you know, your hair done or your nails done or whatever because why would you? That's a priority. But the seating plan for 250 people. Also, if you're busy coming into a wedding, isn't that what like bridesmaids and shit are for? I don't know. I've never been married. I'm not married.

Jobs were divvied up a few weeks ago. Yeah. And this was the one that she was, like one of the ones that she was given. So she's outsourced other stuff. No, no, I'll take care of this one. Marie, you've taken the worst job. The thing that's flapped to me is that you've gone,

I'll take care of that. Yeah. I'd give that to mum. Yeah. Oh. What would you? I couldn't, obviously. Oh, okay.

Why not? She won't be able to help me. Is she there on the day? I'll ask Marie's mum if she can help me. Hi, this is Kimberly Majors, also known as Kimberly Manners in Nashville, Tennessee, and you're listening to a throwback episode of the Tony and Ron podcast. My boyfriend Torbs loves the internet.

Loves the internet. And very early on in the podcast, there was like a story that I told about how whenever he orders something online, he kind of keeps me across the movements of the package. I think this was on the first episode. It was one of the, it's a very early one, and how he had given me updates and updates and updates about this thing that he bought.

It's now in Kentucky. That it was in Kentucky, and then he goes, why would it have gone to the middle of America? Because it actually, like, should have gone south because it's gone, anyway, it was a whole thing. We now know that Kentucky is the distribution centre for UPS. And thanks for everyone who messaged me, the international shipping manager of the Frank Green water bottles

and suggested Tucky as a depot. So we all know that he loves this. Anyway, and so normally whenever he's ordered something, I like know about it. You're well across it. Yeah, I know about it and I'm like, oh, okay, great. You fucking bought this thing. How exciting.

Anyway, the other day we were working from home and the doorbell rings. And I was like, oh, that's weird. I'm not expecting anything. Torb's like jumps up, runs to the door, runs downstairs and like comes back. Is he buying drugs on the dark web? Well, I was like, what the fuck? You normally, I'm normally across it. And by across it, I mean I'm normally so fucking overhearing about it.

By the time it gets here, I don't fucking care. Well care well that was i had a taste of like the other side because normally i know too much information yeah and now you know not enough and now i didn't know and all of a sudden i was like well is there another woman what have you who's you chatting to what have you bought that you didn't tell me about we share our finances we live our life together yeah so i'm like okay that's a bit weird. He runs downstairs. The fact that he runs, Torbs is not a runner. He like jumps out of his chair. He's like, I'll get it.

And I was like, oh, okay, what the fuck? He walks downstairs. He comes all the way back and he's got this little box. Oh my God. Is it? No. It's a hierarchy of communication. Have you been proposed to and not told me?

No. Bigger than that. Bigger box than that. Oh, I thought you meant bigger news. And I was like, fuck. No. It's a hierarchy of communication. Have you been proposed to and not told me? No. Bigger than that. Bigger box than that. Oh, I thought you meant bigger news. And I was like, fuck. No. If you're engaged, I'd expect to know about it. Bigger news than that.

He comes back with this little box. It's like, yay big. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Anyway, he comes back. And I was like, what did you get? What have you organised? And he goes, this is going to change your life. Your life?

Tony's life? It's going to rock your world. And I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck is it? What the fuck is this thing? You know how in our house... Are you excited or scared at this point? Well, I'm just like... Explain the feeling.

Well, I'm just like, I was at work. Like, I was working from home. So, I'm just like, bro, what are you talking about? Like, I'm fucking... I'm online, like... And you know how in our house, it's like our room is right at the end of the house and, like, our... Oh, it's out to the huge courtyard? Yeah, and our, like, wardrobe is down, the end of the house. And like our wardrobe. It opens out onto the huge courtyard. Yeah.

And our like wardrobe is down like in our bedroom. Yeah. Anyway, he like runs down to our bedroom and all of a sudden I hear. And I'm thinking. Oh, my God. We're fucking on here. I know I'm at work, but someone call a lunch break because he's bought a sex toy and something's about to fucking send us. Yeah.

Is that what you're thinking? Yeah. And how do you feel about that? I'm like, we're fucking on here. It's on. A little weekly surprise. And I'm doing that. And I'm like, you know, I'm like wiggling my mouse to make sure I'm still online. And you know when you like run and like are taking your pants off, you're kind of like tripping over your pants.

And that's kind of what I was like. Zero to 100, Tony is back. I was just like, what's going on? And this is all I can hear. And I'm like, fucking something good is about to happen. Here we fucking go. And I walk down to our room. Sans pants? Yeah.

And I'm just like, hey, sweetie, where are you? What are you doing? And he's standing behind our wardrobe. And I was like, what the fuck? He shuts the door. What is that thing it is a fucking electric fabric razor and he's holding a jumper and he's fucking rubbing all over and getting the lint off getting the fucking peeling off his jumper he's like why aren't you

wearing pants and he goes sweetie isn't this good luck look how smooth my jumper is and he's like, why aren't you wearing pants? And he goes, sweetie, isn't this good? Like, look how smooth my jumper is. And he's, like, holding this jumper up to himself and he's fucking rubbing this thing all over. And, like, it's pretty cool. But, like, he just goes, he's told me that it's going to rock my world. I'm thinking, great, bit of afternoon delight for T-Lodge. Like, don't tell work. And it's a fucking fabric lint pill fucking electric razor for a pin so when did it

occur to you that a you weren't about to get laid and b you should have pants on for a moment like this yeah and i'm like okay well pause everybody i've got to fucking put my pants back on anyway and he goes oh how good's this like and you don't even have a cat or a dog why are you got so much lint no but it's like when clothes pill you know, when they get the little balls. But why is this such an issue? This, to quote Torbs, this is going to rock our world. Yeah, this is going to change our lives. Because for someone in my house with a shedding dog,

maybe it would rock our world. But this is like, so you know when, like, a jumper gets peeling, like, little balls, because it, like, rubs on the arm, rubs on the thing? Yeah, so it's, like, for like for that, not for like dog hair. So like. Rock our world. He's like, this is going to change our lives.

Anyway, and then the whole afternoon, he's fucking. The couch, every piece of clothing we own. He had a pair of socks that had started to peel on the outside. Like, I'm not even kidding. There's been less. There's never been less peeling anywhere than in our house. And I'm just standing there like, I thought you were going to have sex with me during work. How did he react to that?

Oh, fuck no. And he was like, what? I can't hear you. I can't hear you. Hi, this is Kimberly Majors, also known as Kimberly Miners. And my, you love to see it. No matter how big this podcast gets, Tony and Ryan are always involved in everything.

I think we can all agree that's what makes this podcast special. Thank you, Tony and Ryan, for everything you do. Tony and Ryan will be back on January 3rd thank you for listening to the Tony and Ron podcast