Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: London Sex Injuries

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Travis LaDue - or Travis LaDon't! - is in the big chair today taking care of business! A very special Audio Queen and though we don't like to admit it, sometimes our partners are right, and we give them credit today. Toni and Ryan are back on deck on Jan 3! Love ya xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is Travis Ledoux, sometimes referred to as Travis Ledoux, and I'm hosting today's throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. Tony and Ryan are back on January 3rd with their dumbest idea yet that's going to take this hot, fun, garbage podcast to a whole new level. Coming up today, you'll hear stories about when your partner was annoyingly right, but first, we have a sexy story from London. Enjoy. I would like to welcome MJ. Hi, MJ. Who listens to the podcast from London. And like a lot of people, when they find the podcast, sometimes we'll go like back to the start or like go and catch up or whatever, which I never saw that coming.

I didn't expect that. But then when we were talking about it the other day and you mentioned the way that you would go back and binge from the beginning of a TV show, that makes sense. Makes a bit more sense. That's what I do. Like I would never just start a TV show at season four. So I guess it makes sense.

I guess it does. But there's a lot of episodes. I do. Like I would never just start a TV show at season four. So I guess it makes sense. I guess it does. But there's a lot of episodes. I know. So MJ sends me a message and goes, we went through a phase where we were talking about sex injuries a lot. Well, I think we brought it up once and then they poured in. Don't say poured in. Don't say poured in.

So I thought we could, so I thought I would share what MJ shared with me. Because you're the audio queen and the queen of accents and sound effects i thought you could really bring mj's story to life because boy does he have a story to tell i feel like this is a bit like how ellen said be kind and then turned out she like wasn't kind like me saying the audio queen and then not being that good at accents. No, you're great, mate. It feels like I've backed something in that I'm not very good at. No, no. Okay, so what you're saying is MJ has gone back to the beginning, he's listening to all the podcasts, got to the sex injury thing

and went, I've got a fucking corker. Here we go. I've got to send this through. All right, great. I've got to send this through. Allow us to bring it to life. Okay. I'm standing up because I was like,

I'm going to need to be nimble for this, I think. Okay. Actually, MJ starts the story. And, by the way, he's from London. Okay. And MJ is, how do I say this, a very confident man, very confident in himself, his abilities, his sexual prowess. I'm not saying he's a Geordie, but there's like that Geordie confidence aura.

Cocky. Wow. Especially how this story ends. Okay. All right. Geordie, but there's like that Geordie confidence aura. That cocky. Wow. Especially how this story ends. Okay. All right. So should I try the accent first? Hello, mate.

Like, you got a dollar, mate. Like, I'm from London. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, cool. I'll back that accent in. Yeah, back that in.

All right. His first line, you got it in front of you. All right. So one night, I'm taking my boyfriend down to Pound Town, properly working my masculine prowess like a goddamn porn star. He sounds hot. He is. I'll show you the picture on Instagram.

So if you're in the London apartment next door, this is probably what you can hear. Oh, yeah, mate. That sounds fucking wicked. Then MJ realises it starts to feel a bit warm down there, so he asks himself. Oh, has the cum gun gone off? And he's gone to the Caribbean, has he?

Surely I haven't fired that cockney cannon yet. I'm still feeling my moves. It still feels hard. He's still squealing like the beautiful banshee that he is. I must be sweet. My partner then asked me if I've come and I've told him that I'm fine. I specifically told him. You and the rest of this village know when this hun goes off.

This hun. So in the words of MJ, he. I carried on going like the galloping stallion that I am. But it then became obvious to both of them that something had obviously happened, that warm feeling. What was that? So MJ jumped up, turned on the light, and then he realised... There's blood fucking everywhere!

MJ's first thought was... Fuck, he has taken a proper pounding. So MJ asked his partner if he was okay, and his partner's like, oh, yeah, I'm fine, but are you? And then MJ looks down and he realises... Me too, little boys, and their commander general are squirting blood everywhere. Fucking hell. MJ has.

Sorry, just let's pause there. How's the voice going? Are you feeling it? It's all good. It's a thing. It's a voice that you're doing. Okay. I can confirm that.

Good. MJ had snapped his frenulum. Oh, the banjo string. The banjo string. And when it sounds like when you snap that is? What would it sound like? Bang. Yeah, you nailed that.

Thank you. So what did MJ do next? I stuffed a towel down me undies. Hang on, hang on. He's from London. Keep going. That's London, isn't it? I stuffed a towel down me undies, bleeding everywhere,

went to the emergency room, and the female triage nurse took one look at me meat puppet and was like, fuck, that. And was like, fuck, that. Hey, this is what MJ DM'd me. Read his words. Fuck. She took one look at me meat puppet and was like, fuck, that parsnips cost a riot roasting

and left me standing there in a packed emergency room holding me bleeding box on. Box on. MJ needed an emergency circumcision. Hang on, what's that word I'm trying to say? Circumcision. Circumcision. Circumcision.

MJ needed an emergency circumcision. I didn't have the cash, but I didn't want to tell my parents I was railing some Trentum twink. So in an effort to get them to pay, I said... Mum, Dad, I went and got me trouser snake caught in the zipper, didn't I? Which would sound like... Oh, no, me meat and two veg got stuck in me zipper. I can confirm MJ's parents paid. MJ's pork sword is ready to roast again.

Oh. Well done, Audio Queen. Thank you. That was lots of fun. I think I did a good job on that accent. You did a great job on that accent, and I guarantee no one from the UK, including MJ, is going to message and say anything otherwise.

I think they'll like that. They'll be happy with that. Yeah. Have you ever had anything happen to your banjo string or your meat puppet, your parsnip, whatever? The parsnip getting a proper roasting. No, my friend did and we were there the next day and the mattress was just full of blood.

Oh. And so we went in there and we're like, geez, that mattress is pretty fucked. Maybe. Fucking murder. I reckon you should flip it over. No. Take it. In the meantime.

Oh. Just in the meantime. Just in the meantime. Oh. And you know what he said? What? I already have. Yeah.

Permission to use the word harrowing? Hey, this is Travis LeDoux, and you're listening to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. A few weeks ago, I asked the question, when was your partner right? I feel like we love to talk about when your partner or your housemate or your parent or your mate was wrong. And I am the wrong one in this situation. Is this a story about you accusing me of stealing your scooter helmet and then finding it in your own house? Add me to the list of this story.

Yeah, okay. You tacky one at the end. When were multiple times when you were wrong in your house? So last time I talked about this is that Torbs has told me that I can't eat or drink in bed because I am really messy. You spill stuff. You're a spiller. I spill stuff.

I am a spiller and he hates like crumbs in the bed. Who doesn't? Yeah, it's the worst. I remember like when we very first started seeing each other and I'd been to the beach during the day and then went to his and I was like a little bit sandy and I think I like sat down on the bed to just like pop my stuff down and then I was going to go and have a shower and he like almost flipped out.

And we had only just started kind of. Oh, this was the first little like gripe? Yeah, it was the first like thing I'd kind of done wrong. And what was he like when he got angry? He was just like, oh, like I really don't like that. You're not going to sit. Yeah, I mean when you get home from the beach, don't even go to the toilet.

Don't put your back just straight to the shower. Well, not, I would in my own house, but he was like living in a share house. I was like, I've got to put my stuff in your room, whatever. Anyway, so Torbs went away. I thought I'll treat myself. Cat's away, mouse will play. Have a coffee in bed. Spilled it everywhere.

Hard to wash the shades, this whole thing. That's the way a mouse will play. Have a coffee in bed. Spilled it everywhere. Hard to wash a shade. It's this whole thing. So I currently am, like, obsessed with the Kardashians. And by currently you mean, you know, the last few decades.

No, but like. You're back on hard. Yeah, so I've never really been into it. Has Pete Davidson dragged you back in? He kind of has, hasn't he? They're in Australia. Oh, my God. Well, apparently it's only him. Apparently she's not here.

I'll tell you what fucks me off. What? I'm sorry that this is going to derail everything. No, it's okay. Everyone's welcome. Every media outlet loves to say the Kardashians are moving to Australia when they just like they went for three days for a holiday. They're not moving there.

So there was this big thing in Australia where an influencer would go to Byron Bay for the weekend and it's like so-and-so makes a stand and they're moving to Byron and they're taking the whole family and it's like a week later they're back in their Melbourne house. Yeah. I don't know if it's the influencer being a dick or if it's just the people trying to clickbait you.

No one's moving to Australia, bro. I've watched the Kardashians a little bit. I'm guessing they're not going to. Actually, I'm done with this whole empire we've built. I think I'm just going to moving to Australia, bro. I've watched the Kardashians a little bit. I'm guessing they're not going to. Actually, I'm done with this whole empire we've built. I think I'm just going to move to Australia. Literally. That's not going to happen. But also it's always a beat up.

It's like, oh, celebrities take over Byron Bay. Will it ever be the same? It's a tourist place and they're tourists. Yeah. What's the story here, Kat? Of course they're fucking going to go there and fucking meditate on the beach. So was Kim like photoshopped into a Cairns picture and then that did the rounds that Kim Kardashian did in Cairns?

No, so she wasn't in the photo, but there was photos of Pete Davidson in the time zone. I mean, where else would you go in Cairns? Yeah, so he was in the time zone and like took a heap of photos with fans, but apparently they were both at the cafe, but I don't know if that's true. Anyway, I think it's just all a beat up. Okay. So I'm super into the Kardashians and Kourtney, who's the one that's just married Travis Barker,

she has like a wellness blog and whatever, and she drinks like matcha every morning. Is she a wannabe Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, yeah. So they're actually doing like a crossover at the moment. Of course they are. They're doing a candle called It Smells Like My Poochie because the wellness blog is called Pooch. And you remember the candle that Gwyneth Paltrow did like

This Smells Like My Vagina? Yeah. It smells like my poochie. Jeez, could you imagine having a conversation with those guys? What's the topic of conversation, ladies? Right. Yeah. Well, I'm just going to go get a frappe.

I'll catch you guys in a minute. I'm fucking out of here. Anyway, and she's super obsessed with matcha. Yeah. Well, I'm just going to go get a frappe. I'll catch you guys in a minute. I'm fucking out of here. Anyway, and she's super obsessed with matcha. And I really like matcha. And I said to Torbs, fuck, we should buy some matcha, like green tea powder. And anyway, he bought some on Amazon and he bought one of those like milk frothers.

Oh, yeah. Because, you know, when you use like coffee powder or something or like, you know, those things that you like, the mocha latte sachet things. Sachet. Sachet. I caught myself out there. The sachets.

And it gets like lumpy. So he bought one of those like wand frothers. Oh, so they're really smooth and creamy and delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the matcha, that's what it wants, right? It needs to be like frothed up. Yeah. So it's just like a pen pretty much and it's got like a AA battery in it

and then it's got like the frother sticks out the bottom and you just press the button and it just like goes like. So good. Yeah. So good. Great idea, Torbs. Torbs is currently leading in this story. Yeah, he's doing pretty well at the end as well.

But so he brought that and it came and it was a surprise. I didn't know that he was buying it. And he was like, you mentioned you wanted matcha, so I ordered some. I thought that would be really nice. What a sweetheart. Can he do no wrong? So it arrived at like 3pm in the afternoon.

He was like, let's try some. We'll have a little afternoon pick-me-up. We'll have a little matcha, sit at our desks and have a hot drink. Great. He grabbed it out of the frother, out of the box, and it was just like a cheap one from Amazon. And it's got one button on it, but it's got three settings. So you press it on, then you can press it off,

but then the next time you press the button on, it'll be at like the next setting. Oh. So it's like small off, it'll be at like the next setting. Oh. So it's like small off, medium off, heavy off. Large off. Yeah. And then it goes back to one. Gotcha.

So it's like it doesn't, you don't just like hold it for it to be harder, but like if you turn it off, then the next time, it could be in three years, you turn it back on. So it's the next one. It's on the next one up. It's like those Tapper lamps. Yes, exactly like that. Anyway, so I picked it up and I was just like pressing the thing

to see like how quick it was going to go. Torbz goes, oh, just be careful because when you tap it on, you tap it off and it goes to the next one. You can't just turn it off and then turn it back on because it will be the next higher one. And I was like, bro, obviously I get it. And he was like, oh, well, I was just clicking through and I just wanted to let you know.

And I was just like, I saw you doing it. Like, actually, how stupid do you think that I am? Like, I fucking get it. Everyone is getting to know 0 to 100 Tony, by the way. He's definitely a real person and you're about to get a taste of it, I reckon. He just, hey, mate, I just bought you this thing. Just thought I'd give you a little heads up. What a nice thing to say. I fucking hey, mate, I just bought you this thing. Just thought I'd give you a little heads up. Yeah.

What a nice thing to say. I fucking know, mate. I fucking watch you do it. But he was learning how it was working and I was standing there. It's not as if he's got a fucking bachelor's degree in milk frothers. Like I fucking, I was there at the inception of the idea of the milk frother. This is big. Sorry.

Zero to 100 energy. It is. Okay. Anyway. I. Zero to 100 energy. It is. Okay, anyway. I'm not here to take sides, mate. I'm just trying to learn about it. It seems like you are. I'm just trying to find out how the matcha tea went. So I said let's do a practice not with the matcha just

to see the milk frother like how it goes. So I filled up my coffee cup with water and handed it to Torbs and he did it in the sink so that if it sprayed everywhere, we'd know not to like put it on whatever setting. He put it on the first one and it wasn't enough. Turned it off, put it on the second one and that was good and then put it on the third one and it like tornadoed out of the cup and we were like, okay.

Middle setting. Middle setting. Middle setting. And he goes, make sure that before you put it into the glass, you check which thing it's on. And I was like, mate, I fucking get it. Like I literally fucking get it. Anyway, so he does his.

It's all perfect. And I was like, cool, I want to make mine. He's like, do you want me to do it? And I was like, no, no, no, I'm going to do it. So he put the milk frother in the, like the milk in the frother for the coffee machine to make the. He's like, do you want me to do it? And I was like, no, no, no, I'm going to do it. So he put the milk frother in the, like the milk in the frother for the coffee machine to make the milk all warm, then poured it into the cup and I was going to froth it. I turned it on, like outside of the glass.

I turned it on and set it to number two. And I put it in, started frothing, it was all good, and then turned it off to check it. And I was like, oh, there's still a couple of lumps. Turned it back on. What did it do? It went to three it and I was like, oh, there's still a couple of lumps. And then what did it do? Turned it back on. What did it do? It went to three. But I didn't realise.

And he warned you? And did you take that on board or were you a bit defensive about it when he tried to give you the heads up? Well, it was a bit hard for me to understand because I was covered in green milk. As was our floor, him, the tap. Like it fucking went everywhere. And it's like lime green.

Did he not tell you? He should have told me. Oh, I finally hadn't given you the heads up. He should have told me, but that's how it worked. Fucking hell, Tony. And green would stain, wouldn't it? Match of stains, yeah. Yeah, because it's like earthy, like ground up fucking.

Now, what was his attitude? Was he a bit like told you so or was he just covered in green and he was fucking angry as he rightly should have been? I got angry. You what? You did this. Yeah, I got angry because I was like, oh, fuck, like, why have I done this? He was like, I did

say. Hey, this is Travis Ledoux and thanks for listening to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. My love to see it is Tony's new book, I Don't Need Therapy, and other lies I've told myself. I'm so excited to read it and connect with the toppers on a whole new level. Tony and Ryan are back on January 3rd. Thank you for listening and have a great day.