Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Phone Faux Pas

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Have you ever passed your phone to someone and they STARTED SWIPING? Fucking HELL NO!! Love ya xCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Producer Cam taking you through your throwback episode. You are listening to Tony and Ryan. Hello my loves, happy Thursday. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast throwback. This is Producer Cam. Ryan's on baby leave and Tony's asleep today, so I thought I'd jump in here and get some segments rolling. We've got a couple of funny things coming up today, like the most cringiest thing ever. Someone swiping through your phones. Disgusting. We all hate it. Makes your asshole pucker. But first, Tony wants to talk about things that you've won. The other day I was surfing the web. I love the audio queens bringing their own soundbites now. I'm all about this. And I came across this article on BuzzFeed of stories that people shared about winning a year's supply of something,

whether it was, like, good or bad. Do you hear as much about that anymore? I think you do. Because a year's supply used to be a real thing. A year's supply of donuts. Or, like, Cadbury chocolate or something like that. When I was a kid, I used to enter competitions like they were going out of fashion.

I used to enter stuff all the, like I just wanted to win stuff so desperately. And one of the girls, and I know she listens to this podcast, but one of my best friends from primary school, Casey Marie, she used to win stuff all the time because her nan would enter. So her nan would literally sit at home all day and cut out the coupons and send them off. So she would just always.

Good work, nan. And I remember her winning just the coolest shit. What kind of stuff are we talking about? T-shirts, CDs. Yeah, and coloring in packs. You know how Faber-Castell would do a big pack and you'd get the click pens and you'd get wind-ups and pencils colouring in packs. You know how like Faber-Castell would do like a big pack and you'd get like the click pens and you'd get like wind-ups and pencils and books and stuff. She would just win the coolest shit and I was always so jealous

because I was like, oh, I didn't grow up with grandparents. So I was like, is this the cool thing about having grandparents? Is it that they win you stuff because they've got nothing else to do? They're like, yeah, oh, yes, little Tony, I'll enter in this competition. That's exclusively what grandparents do. They don't do anything else. Imagine that. What do you do, Will?

I've retired now, so I'm entering competitions. I used to be a schoolteacher, but my daughter had a kid, so now I'm fucking just cutting out magazines. Yeah, I'm fucking busy, mate. We want some Derlents. The big tins, mate. Yeah. We want some Derwins. The big, cheap pencils. Nice. Derwins are elite, by the way.

Oh, my God. If somebody had Derwin pencils, you'd be like, fucking doing all right. What do your parents do for a living? Obviously more than cutting out magazines. Fucking doctor and lawyer over here. And so I used to just enter stuff so often that I would forget what I'd entered and I only ever won one. One. One competition.

Do we need a drumroll? They called. Yeah. And they were like, can we please speak to Tony Lodge? And my mum was like, this is weird. And she gave me the phone. I was probably like nine. Do you have to be over 15 or 16 or something?

Well, I guess for some of them. Some lady from marketing is like, yeah, can I speak to Tony? Like, uh, yeah, I'll put her on. Hello. And I won roof insulation. Like it was. You don't even pay the heating bills. We'll save a fortune.

While I'm six years old, I never paid them anyway. It doesn't fucking matter. And it was, you know, those like pink bats. Oh, they were huge. Yeah. When they came out, oh. I know. And I won like one house's worth of roof insulation.

And at the time I was just like, are you fucking kidding me? Like Casey Marie is winning fucking Derwent pencil cases and shit and I've won fucking roof insulation. Excuse me, before you give attitude to the lady who's giving you the roof insulation, who entered the competition? It was me. Yeah, so what was the competition? Tell me in 25 words or less how much heat's escaping

through the walls at your place. No, it was like a tombola raffle at like the Royal Show or a fair or something. Yeah, so anyway. A ship prize amongst other good ones. Probably. And we never used it. Like mum and dad obviously either didn't need it

or our house was already insulated or something. For the right people, that would be. I was thinking about it the other day. Now, as an adult, I'm like, oh. What I wouldn't do for those bats. I wonder if they've still got them. Like have they hung on to them for me? Send them to my house. about it the other day, now as an adult I'm like, oh. What I wouldn't do for those bats. I wonder if they've still got them. Like have they hung on to them for me? Send them to my house.

It's freezing this winter. I know, especially in Melbourne. I'm like fucking line those up across the windows. Already got bats. Put two in bats. So I was like I've won this thing finally. I had the rush of winning something and I was like what have I won? And she was like, oh, well, you know,

we're a company that makes these fucking pink bats. I've got a question for you. Sorry to throw a spanner in there. No, no, please, welcome, anytime. It sounds to me like you're still owed a house supply's worth of pink bats. That's a good point. Do you think I could exchange them for cash?

What was her number? Oh, mate, it was 20 years ago. What was her number? Mate, it was 20 years ago. What was her number? 1-800... That was very funny. Let's call pinkbads.org. Yeah, 1-800-PINK. G'day, mate. Do not.

Do not call 1-800-PINK. What? Oh, do you think the pop star will answer? Just like, so, so what? I'm still a rock star. I got my rock moves. Imagine you're trying to call 1-800-PINK-BATS, but you accidentally call 1-800-PINK-BITS.

Hello? 1-800-FANNYS. That's what I said, 1-800-PINK. I assume that's a sex line somewhere. And why did I go to pink the pop star? That's what she does now. But it's P-exclamation mark. And it's her saying, it's just you and your hand tonight.

Just you and your bat tonight. Can someone in the episode thread, because I know we've got some Photoshoppers on the tapas, make a poster for 1-800-PINK and it's the musician Pink with like a headset. Yeah, and she's holding one of those pink butts that you put in your roof and send you a photo of them but I never got them. We couldn't tell you what they look like. Tony and Ryan on Facebook, join the group.

You'll see the photos there. And give us your best pink bats. Show us your pink bats. I love show us your pink bats. Luckily we're not Kiwis. Oh, show us your pink bats. Okay. I'm really upset.

Okay, sorry. What's happened to you? No, but now this story isn't as good as that. Yeah, I don't care anymore. All I care about is your pink beds. Oh, well, yeah, I really don't want to. I mean, one of them is pretty funny. I want a year's supply of calendars from a local gift shop.

One calendar? They gave them one calendar worth $2.99. Is that someone from the TARPAS group? No, this is from the article. On the article. Yeah. A year's supply of calendars. I know.

That's so dumb. Was that a joke? I don't. I'm guessing. It must have been a gag because, like, otherwise how. Have you seen those sales about this time of year where it's, like, calendars half price? Yeah.

And diaries and stuff? Yeah. Because I can only fucking use half of it. So I'm still paying full price. Yeah. Yeah. Like, per month, I'm still paying the same price. Pro rata.

Yeah. Big calendar. Yeah, that'll fucking get you. Are you in a seasonal industry? I'm in the calendars game. What do you do for work, mate? Oh, calendars. Busy time of year?

Big calendar. Busy time of year? No. We're busy from about December 28 to about January 4 and then the rest of the time it's pretty koozy, actually. Yeah, yeah. We got a lot of stock to move, though. Michelle McDonald, who is a tarper, and she shared in our group

that she won a pound of fudge for every month for a year. So she won, like, a year's supply of fudge. That's fucking good. Yeah, that's good. And then the fudge store closed down. Well, they've still got, they owe, it's. Yeah. Maybe that's what sent them into receivership.

We can't afford Michelle's fudge. She's ruined us. And there's honestly no way of coming back from the pink bat. So I'll finish off with this story. Samantha Millen posted in our group, she's a tapper. She said, I won a miniature pony in a raffle. That's sick. A real horse.

And she said, but he was too small to ride. And I replied and I said, sorry, what? Like a fucking horse. Like a Shetland pony? Like a legit fucking horse. I said, a fucking horse. And she said, yeah, a fucking horse. His name was Colin.

And then she shared a picture of Colin. That's Colin. She won a horse but was too small to ride. I'm like, the thing about winning a horse. That's a lot of hard work. The admin of a horse. Yeah, the logistics. Where are you going to fucking keep it?

It was like maybe the pig bats. I had nothing to do with it. Great prize, sure. When I was younger, it was just me and mum in a unit. Yeah. Did you need some roof insulation? Because I got some. I'll ask her.

She's blind on a train in the middle of Northern Territory at the moment. But could you imagine, we lived in a little unit, no backyard or anything. Yeah. Like there's just literally a clothesline and a door. Like that was all the backyard was. Beautiful. Imagine me coming home and going, hey, mum, I want a horse.

Like there's a lot of assumptions there. That's so, yeah. Oh, just leave me out the back. What are you going to, yeah, what are you going to do with it? Keep it in your room? Oh, maybe if you've got that secret side door like Kylie Jenner has, you bring the horse. The glam room is now the horse room.

Far out. It's pretty stable. Don't. Sorry? Do not. I don't. My face is hurting too much from the pink baths. I can't have any hospital chat or stable chat or anything today.

I'm done. Hello. Thanks for sticking around. It's Producer Cam here taking you through a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. Something happened to me at Officeworks, which is like, you know, office supply, stationary store. Staples in America. Yeah, right, okay. So you know what office supplier, stationary store. Staples in America. Yeah, right.

Okay. So you know what I'm talking about, those big stores. Totally. I'm really, really, really excited about you telling me this because it sounds like it's going to be dramatic, but also I love Officeworks. Same. It is the best.

It's the best. I love fucking stationery, all that shit. And now that we have a business, all that stuff's a write-off. The write-off people. The write-off people. You just write it off. So I go fucking printer, ink, fucking paper, fucking pens, whatever, business.

I love getting a desk set up and going, oh, I'll get the little drawers and I'll put my papers in there and I'll do this. And, like, a manila folder. Oh, you know what does me in? What? A fucking label maker. Touch me on the flap. I love a label maker.

Label your labia. That's very funny. A labia maker. What should I call it? Just write Tony. What should I call it? Just write Tony. So it turns out that printers, we've discussed this before, I think,

the ink of a printer is way more expensive than the printer itself. Sell your fucking first born. Now, my printer was out of ink and now because I can't use the work printer because I don't work here anymore, I have to like a schmuck. The work printer is our printer. I know, and I'm not just printing random shit for uni and college at work because I'm like, oh, it's not even my paper. Now I'm printing my own paper. I've got to, you know, hold back.

So I ran out of printer ink and it turns out. Did you just hear that? Did your tummy rumble? That was my tummy, yeah. You do get turned on by a label maker. You're bubbling. When you're turned on, does your tummy go. Yeah.

Bridget's like, come to bed, sweetheart. And you're like. Someone's ready. But yeah, so we've talked about how it would be cheaper to just buy an entire printer that comes with the ink rather than trying to figure out how to buy it. So I had to get new ink and it turns out. Admin nightmare. Yeah. It's fucking, it's taken months.

It turns out there's like 76 different kinds of printer ink. Yep. There's different brands of cartridges. Hallelujah. Different printers. Like they only take, the Epson only takes to that. And then if you get the other brand, then you got to get the. And if you buy that, fucking forget about it because this one's

best friend's sister slept with the Epson. Yeah. And they're not talking to each other anymore anymore so you can't put that cartridge in your thing. Life is not good, LG. Dude. Dude. Life's dude. So what I thought I'd do is I would take photos of the printer, of the cartridge, of the barcode.

So when I got to Officeworks, because I can't rock up and go, yeah, I need the A484-2460. So I had all these photos so I could show them and be like, this is the printer I've got. Yep. Question. Yeah. Why didn't you just Google, like, the model number

and what cartridge size you needed? Rather than, like, take all those photos like you, sorry, I'm just asking. As an anxious person, obviously I like to know all the information. That's what I did when I had to buy it. I don't know if this is like bucking the trend. Here we go. Yep.

I don't mind asking for help. You know how it's a real bloke thing of like don't ask for directions, I know the way, don't ask for help. I'm the trend. Here we go. Yep. I don't mind asking for help. And you know how it's a real bloke thing of like, don't ask for directions, I know the way. Don't ask for help. I'm the opposite. I love to just go in dumb and go, hey, mate, help me out. It's not, for me. Because like you, you wouldn't say to the person installing

your dryer, excuse me, sir, quick question, could you finish your job? Or you wouldn't go to Bunnings and go, g'day, mate, I've just destroyed my fucking bathroom. Can you tell me where the plungers are? Or when't go to Bunnings and go, G'day, mate, I've just destroyed my fucking bathroom. Can you tell me where the plunges are? Or when I get to a place, go, hey, where do I find the whatever? Because you would spend hours doing research and I don't got the time. I'm a big Googler.

Yeah. I just think knowledge is power and I'd rather be armed with the knowledge of what I need and be able to get in there, get out rather than fucking walk in there and some, especially at like Officeworks or Bunnings or something, where you're like you don't really know if you're going to be able to find someone that can help you because maybe the thing that you need is really specific or everyone's busy.

I just always feel like such a bother. I don't like to bother people. So the people working there, I'm like, God, they're going to think I'm so stupid if I ask this question. It's not about being. You know that's their job, right? But it's not about. Did you know that if you don't ask for help enough,

they'll be upstairs, big printer, they'll be like, well, we don't need to have these floor staff now because Tony doesn't ask them. So they'll probably lose their jobs. What? No. Well, they're there to help. And if they're not helping anyone, they're not required in their surplus to the business requirements.

No. Do you want them to be out of a job? No. Do you not want their kids to eat? No, I just thought they It sounds like you're anti-workforce No No, I'm not

Well, start using the help, mate No, I just don't want to bother anyone Bother them with employment Bother them with their rent being paid I think we all know who the real hero is here now Okay, so you're asking them what printer you should get. You know what? A quick Google probably could have solved a lot of fucking issues.

Okay. But I guess when you figure out what thing you need, then you've still got to go find it. Yeah. Anyway, my solution on the day. Okay, no, and that's fine. Some people scoop, some people use a towel. That's just our differences. On this given day, which in hindsight, and that's fine. Some people scoop, some people use a towel. That's just our differences.

On this given day, which in hindsight as you're about to learn, probably could have been a better option than what transpired. Mate, hindsight, 2020. I wear glasses. I've got no 2020 going in any fucking direction. You will not hear boo from me.

Continue. Because there's 75 different types of ink and printed cartridges and whatever. And it is very specific. You can totally fuck your printer if you put the wrong thing in. Exactly. So I take all these photos of the printer, the ink, the cartridges, the whatever, and I get to the store and I go, excuse me,

can you help me get the printer ink that I need? I've taken some photos. The girl who works at Officeworks grabs my phone and goes, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and just starts swiping. A cardinal sin. Can you believe it? She's broken the one rule.

Because I said I've got a few photos. Granted, I put it out there that there were more than one to see, but I kind of felt like this was the main one and then kind of like showed it at her, not gave her my phone. You didn't pass her your phone. I didn't pass her my phone. You kind of went, see?

Showed her. And she went. Yoink. And just started, like, and like I'm not, like, you know, I've been in a relationship. There's no, like, sneaky nudes. There's no whatever. There's nothing, like, bad on my phone.

But am I right in thinking that every single person on the planet, when a stranger is flicking through your pictures. Yes. Ah! Time slows down. Buildings fall as if on fire in the background. Babies are crying. Dogs are barking.

I'm sweating. Like, time stands still in those moments of a simple swipe. And often it's because like so same as you, long term relationship. There's no nudes on my phone but there are like pictures of weird stuff. Yeah. Like you know maybe I

currently. What's on your phone right now? Right now I've actually got this pimple on my bum. And yesterday Can I ask you a question? on your phone right now. Right now, I've actually got this pimple on my bum. And yesterday, Torb... Hey, can I ask you a question? Yeah. You can't see a pimple on your bum, can you? No.

Why not? Because it's on the other side. It's on the other side. I can't see it. And Torb's my boyfriend. Love him. Been together for eight years, nine years, fucking whatever. He works from the office one day a week. He gets one Tony-free day. And I said, cop this, look at this.

He's out enjoying his Tony-free life one day, eight hours a week, then he gets away from me. He's a bit of a consultant in, you know, like an office corporate environment. Corporate, yeah. Did you text that to him? Facebook Messenger. Did it pop up and?

But so that was the last, like, photo I had taken. So, no, there's no nudes. It's not me looking sexy. It's worse because it's like pictures that I've taken thinking that they were going to serve some scientific purpose. It's an interesting area. Because obviously the look you're giving me. Well, I love this concept of when you can't see it yourself,

sometimes you need to take a photo. Snap a pic. Now, I recently got my haircut. I mean, you did. You've got more attention for your haircut. We don't, wouldn't dare talk about my haircut because you're the one with the glorious hair here. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to steal your thunder. Wow. But I just got a haircut. Tell us how you really feel. And I'm a bit self-conscious because on the back of my head, I've got a mole. The big, that big mole you've got. Yeah Yeah. I mean, what mole? When my hair is short, short, you can see it, but when it's a bit longer, you can't. And so sometimes, because it's covered

over by the hair. And so I just got a haircut and I wanted to know if the mole was out. So as the girl at Officeworks flicked through my phone, have a look at this picture. I flick through my phone. Have a look at this picture. Now, I know I'm normally the one looking at the back of your head. Should I keep swiping? No, no, no, no. Yeah.

So. Okay. Can I just say one thing that I think is a saving grace? I'm going to try and save the day here. Please. I thought that it was going to be quite close up and that it was going to look a bit like maybe a fanny mound. Like I thought it was going to be... Like if it was zoomed in?

Yeah, like can you imagine it? And it looked like a freshly shaved john. God, it looks like a baby echidna. Thank you for sticking around, my loves, for another throwback episode of the Tony and Rod podcast. It's Producer Cam. As always, we love to finish the episode and you love to see it. I found this tweet yesterday.

It's so funny. This is from Miss Mulrooney, Kristen Mulrooney on Twitter. Classic, classic. We can all relate. She goes, yesterday I asked my kindergartner what she did in school and she said nothing. All been there.

Then later I went on Instagram and a teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile. Classic. How angry you used to be when you get home. Mum asks,

what have you been on? Fuck off! Nothing. Anyway, let's leave it there. I've got to get out of here. I'll see you tomorrow with another throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast at ProducerCam. Have a good day. I love you. Bye.