Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Shoe Box Emergency

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

TARPer Emma at the helm for our final throwback episode. WE'RE BACK MONDAY! Love ya xoxoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, it's Emma from London and I approve this podcast. Hey guys, it's Emma here. Today we're throwing it back to some of the best moments of Tony and Ryan for 2023. The guys are on holiday at the moment, but they'll be back next week with some brand new episodes for 2024. So today we're throwing it back when Ryan had a hilarious run-in with the sports-obsessed landscaper. But before that,

a harrowing tale from a certain shoe shop employee. Let me just get straight into this because I want to get to the book and this is a fucking long confession. Oh, okay. Should I? Is there something I should, like, how should I prepare for this?

Actually, let me just read the first paragraph and then we can re-debrief and propose ourselves. Oh, sorry, are you saying that you enjoy a debrief? No, no, as in, what happens before, like if a debrief is after, what's a pre-brief? That's not what it is, but I love it. Yeah, okay. Because after this first sentence, we'll get an idea of what we're dealing with. Okay. I'm sweating and I'm flustered just typing this confession

and that I promise you I'm a normal, well-adjusted, educated woman. Oh. And what I did when I was 18 is no representation of the person I am today. When you have to say, I promise I'm a well-adjusted person. God, you can only imagine what comes after. It's like when you're talking to your racist auntie at Christmas and they go, well, I'm not a racist, but. But.

And you just know that whatever they say after that is absolutely vile. I'm a well-adjusted human. But. But this one time when I was 18. So Poopy McGavin, I worked at a high-end shoe store and in an eight-hour shift, I probably only spoke to like three or four customers. You know when it's like too high-end? Yeah.

Like no one can afford it. Well, high-end, like how high-end are we talking? Like pretty, like a Louboutin or whatever that's called, the red ones? We are definitely not naming names. Oh, okay. All right. But just, yeah, I reckon- Very fancy.

High-end shoes. Real rich people. Real rich people. Yeah. Because it was so quiet. Again, when it's so rich, there's like no one can afford it, so no one goes in. But is that the life hack of all life hacks?

Probably. Get a job where no one can afford to go in there and then you never have to do anything? Well, that's what Poopy McGavin thought, but it sort of backfired on her because it was so quiet and they're in a big shopping centre. They only had one staff member on at a time. Because if you're getting three customers in an eight-hour shift, you're not going to have three people. No.

But then what happens when you want to go on lunch? Or do we? Right. Okay. Sorry. Continue. One time, the regional manager, who drops by from time to time, came to the store when I was in the bathroom.

Oh, and she'd put her post-it note on the window that said back in five. Yeah. I locked the door, back in five, and the regional manager, he was furious. Oh, they never warn you, do they? Well, once or twice a month, it turns up, I got a written warning. Fuck off. And I was told I should never leave the store unattended, even for bathroom breaks. Okay, then you can put two people on at a time. Thank you so much. So what they started doing

right is they would have like a casual come in for two hours in the middle of the day so she could like take a break. And so he's like, you go to the bathroom before you shift and then when the casual comes in at lunch, then you can go to the bathroom. Pause. No, that's not how bodies work. Thank you. You actually can't police when I go to the bathroom.

It's like when you're at school and you go, oh, can't miss, can I please go to the toilet? And they go, why didn't you go at lunchtime? Why didn't you get a better fucking job? If you hate kids, why are you a fucking teacher? That is so unfair. And they go, well, I can't go and take a break. You can.

No one's actually saying that you can't. Preach it. I just hated that as a kid. I don't know. That's what's made me so anxious, I reckon, now as an adult about, like, taking up people's time because they'd be like, no, if you want to do that, you can do that on your own time. I'm like, okay, well, then I better not go for a wee

when everyone needs me. Is that why when we're doing the podcast and you need to go to the bathroom, you don't go, I'm just going to the bathroom. You go, is it okay if I go to the bathroom? Or I wait until you go, oh, hang on, let me just check something. I go, oh, well, if you're doing something, I'll just go to the, because I'm like, that's dead time already. Let the record show that you're allowed to go to the bathroom

whenever you like. All right, well, I might just go to the bathroom whenever you like. All right. Well, I might just pop off now. See you later. And I'd actually, and this sounds aggressive, it's not aggressive. Yeah. I'd actually prefer you to like not. Just do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Because then I feel like I'm your boss. Yeah. And you're not. Yeah. Because we own a business together. Allegedly.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry about that outburst. But you can't say to your employer, imagine if we said to producer Cam, you can actually go to the bathroom before you start or after, not any other time. I don't know if it's just my anxiety because I have an interesting stomach. Yeah. But if someone said you cannot go, nothing would make me need to go more.

Such a good point. Yeah. Right? That's a one-way ticket to bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. If you've got const one-way ticket to bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. If you've got constipation, you're not allowed to go, oh, constipation solved.

Yeah, literally, that's a laxative for me. Poopy McGavin says, I had a particularly big Saturday night out and I rocked up to work feeling pretty hungover. We've all been there, especially at 18. There was a lot of hungover days at work. Yep, and all of a sudden my tummy starts making some odd sounds and I knew what was happening. The AGB was arriving.

The AGB. The after grog bog. Yeah, everyone's been there the next morning. Because of all the sugar in your cruiser. Yeah. Because of all the gross 58 different kinds of drink you had last night. Yeah, or the like. The citrus is bubbling around.

The citrus. There's a bit of bourbon in there. There's probably a bit of kebab. Yeah. Or a bit of double cheeseburger from the drive-through in the taxi on the way home. It's all bubbling around. And suddenly when you're in the work at the high-end shoe store, your body goes, hey, bro, it's fucking on. We're on air.

Yeah. Fuck. Pee-pee McGavin. Now, I was told explicitly not to leave the store and no staff were coming in for another few hours. I started to panic. Which just makes you need to go more. I started to stress.

Which just needs to make you go even more. I started sweating. My body was both hot and cold all over at once. Oh, the fevery sweats of, it's like after you eat too much KFC. The meat sweats. And then you're fucking, you're a goner. Yeah. I went out the back to the storage room where all the shoes are.

Not the fancy shoes. I glanced at the shelf of the empty shoe boxes. And before I knew it, I was questioning every moment in my life and how it led to this moment where I was squatting over an empty shoe box. Into an empty shoe box of shoes I could never afford. That's the other thing, isn't it? They're fancy.

And then it's happening. The regional manager's back. No. Oh, my God. It's happening. I'm shitting in a shoe box. Shitting in a shoe box. In the back end of a high-end shoe store.

Don't say back end. There was a communal sock for people trying on shoes. You know those communal socks? When they're like, you want to try the shoes on? And they go, oh, you got to put some socks on. And there's like that communal store. Fuck, they should be illegal. With the like tongs.

Yeah. You wouldn't touch them with your bare hands. I got the communal sock to wipe myself. There was nothing. Wipe myself and popped the sock in the box with the poop and put the lid on. So then you've got to deal with disposing of the poo box. Well, this is what Poopy McGavin didn't think about. It's one thing to get the poop in the box, but how do you get the poopy box out of the store?

Yeah. So she's started to realize this because if an employee because keep in mind this is a i don't want to say low level employee but it's like a retail working working so if you walk out from the back room with a shoe box and just walk out of the store you're going to get done for theft they're going to be like well she's stolen the louis batons yeah or even like oh are they for me to try on? Are they the nines? You know, like when they walk from out the back and they've got the shoebox and they go, oh, is that the size nine? It's a ten out of ten in there, baby.

Yeah, it's a two, actually. A number two. Quite good. Thank you. Is that a ten? No, it's a two. And what a two. That's a big two.

Remember Austin Power. Who does number two work for? About 20 minutes later, as I'm still pondering how to get the shoebox out of the store. So it probably stinks. Guess who rocks up? The regional manager randomly came back to check on things because of course he did on this day.

Every few weeks he randomly drops in and today was that day. And to directly quote Poop McGavin, there was clearly a lingering smell. Yeah. A fog. Louis Vuitton, more like Pooey Vuitton. Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. I also had no clue yet about how I was going to get the box of shit out of the store without anyone noticing. So I quickly asked the regional manager, oh, since you're here anyway, can I go to the bathroom? Oh, that's fucking bold, Pooey McGovern. He's already said absolutely under no circumstances must anyone go to the bathroom? Oh, that's fucking bold, Poofy McGavin. He's already said absolutely under no circumstances must anyone go to the bathroom.

Oh, well, do you leave it unattended? But he's like, well, if you're here. But is that really a, like. Yeah, does the regional manager get behind the scene? Is that saying to the CEO that walks in going, oh, would you mind doing the register? I'd love to go and have a ciggy. You know what I mean? Like, is that not quite a, that's a power move?

He said said yes. I went out the bag and grabbed the bag, my bag, and the box of shit. The box of shit. I rushed to the door and he asked, oh, hang on, what have you got that box? What are you taking that for? No, he did not. I start to stress. She's shit again.

I start to panic. I start to stress. She's shit again. I start to panic. I'm sweating and my body felt hot and cold all over at once. I was so scared that he thought I was trying to steal the shoes. That was my main concern and I'd already had a written warning. And clearly, you know how the boss just has it in for some people? Yeah.

Because of the written warning thing, it's like, this guy's just looking for an excuse. You know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like they're in the case. has it in for some people? Yeah. Because of the written warning thing, it's like, this guy's just looking for an excuse. You know what I mean? Yeah. They feel like they're in your case. So, what's in the box? It was my literal shit and an accompanying shit sock. I was almost in tears of embarrassment.

I explained that it was an empty box and could I please take it since they were going to get thrown out anyway and I thought I could give it to my non-existent cousin for a high school arts and crafts project. Pretty believable, I guess. They're making a diorama. They need the shoebox. When you said diorama.

Oh, sorry. Did I say diorama? Oh, I thought you said. There aren't too many words that start. No, there aren't. And I can't believe I picked the one that is the same. Yep. Yeah, I think that's kind of believable,

except this guy's already decided he hates Poopy McGavin. The regional manager steps towards the box, looks Poopy McGavin in the eye and says, seems fine. Gavin in the eye and says, seems fine. I ran to the- Did he ask to look inside? He's like, is there any shoes in there? Like, he didn't ask to look inside. Well, she said it's an empty box.

And he goes, okay. But wouldn't he then be like, why are you taking it to the toilet? Like, you said you need to go to the toilet. Why are you taking that now? I'm going to put it in my car. I ran to the toilet and threw the box into the, you know, the paper towel bin? No.

When you dry your hands in the paper towel bin. That's for recycling. Well, it's the ultimate recycle. It's last night's kebabs being recycled into that box. Did you just throw up in your mouth? That was disgusting. I'm sorry. Yep, that's okay. Okay.

That was 15 years ago. And until the Tony and Ryan podcast said their website accepts totally anonymous and totally untraceable confessions, I haven't told a single person in 15 years. However, says Poopy McGavin, every time I walk past a shoe store and I see shoe boxes stacked up, I still think, I wonder if any of those boxes have human shit in them. And then I think, nah, that's fucked. But then I think, nah, I'm fucked.

I did that as well. Yeah. Thank you for listening to my confession. You know what, Pippi McGavin, I'm actually proud that you've finally gotten this off your chest. I cannot believe that that happened. That is insanity. What's the insanity?

The music's gone. Oh, no, it was the poo shot. The shoe shot. The poo shop. The shoe shop. I think the moral of this story is what Tony Lodge already touched on. Don't tell me when I can shit. Yeah. I'm not.

I'm a human. This is biology. Yes. I was drunk four hours ago. I'm full of vodka cruiser and semen and I need a poo. And you know what, mate? You're lucky I'm even fucking here. Yeah.

It's hard to, jobs is hard at the moment. I haven't. There's employment shortages. I haven't been to bed. You're lucky I didn't fucking call in sick. You know why I've done my makeup for work? Because I haven't washed my face since yesterday afternoon. Yeah, I had one eyelash up here this morning. Hey, it's Emma from London and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

File this one under... Oh, people just don't get it. My grandpa passed away. Still not really understanding what a USB was, even though for the last 10 years of his life I was trying to explain it. Yeah. The stick. How do you get a whole movie in a stick?

But it's the whole movie in a stick. I mean, you think about it. I watched this YouTube series the other day and it was like, oh, sorry. No, it was on TikTok, but it's that show on ABC, You Can't Ask That. Yep. And it was the one with the centenarians, centenarians, people over 100. And I'm just going to fucking bail. Yep.

People over 100. And they were kind of explaining how much has changed in their life. I mean, 100 years. But then I thought, you know, it would be pretty insane to have gone from a time where, like, you didn't even fucking have electricity to now a whole movie being on a stick. I mean, when you, like, I don't know. But it didn't all happen overnight

That's the other thing though Yes I'm Natalie and Brulia Because it's both things What does me though Is you hear those stories About someone goes to jail for 30 years And they come out And they go what's an iPhone

And they go what the fuck is going on here What's happened Yeah I guess for them it kind of is overnight Because it's like They go in Yep it's the same for 30 years. And they're the same for 30 years but around them changes.

Like that's insane. Wow. Anyway. I met this old guy who was sort of struggling to comprehend some new themes the other day. And I just, I don't know whether to laugh or if it's the most frustrating thing ever. So I go into Channel 7 where I work for, what, four minutes a fortnight? Yep. I do a little segment on the TV.

I'll go in, do my segment. I go out. Yeah. I'm on the way home, going to get some coffee for Bridget and I, get back to the baby. And this lovely old man in the cafe goes, G'day, mate. What do you do for a crust?

You know, we're just both waiting for our coffees, and he's just like a lovely old bloke having a chat. That's Australian for what do you do for work. Oh, yeah. Because, yeah, no one would know what that is. That's a very old Australian thing to say, yeah. And I go, I work in media. And he goes, are you finished for the day?

And I'm like, yeah, just came back from Channel 7. He goes, oh, Channel 7. Oh, see, he's got this in my area. I watch Channel 7 all the time. Channel 7, like, I don't know got this in my area. I watch Channel 7 all the time. Channel 7, like, I don't know, ITV in the US or NBC. What, 5,000, 10,000 employees? Like a massive company.

Oh, yeah. A crazy company. And this guy, it turned out, was a landscaper, and he works with a crew of a couple of blokes. So the guy at the cafe was. Yeah. And so I don't think he could get his head around the fact that, like, in a big company, you don't know everyone. You know what I mean?

Because he works with Steve and Gary. And he knows them fucking back to front. Yeah. Knows their wives, their kids, everything. Yeah. So he goes, oh, you work at Channel 7. You must know Tim Watson. Now, Tim Watson used to be a famous Australian footballer,

and he now, like a lot of ex-footballers, he now reads the sports news. Oh, so he's the sports guy on Channel 7. Sports guy on Channel 7. So if you flick on the telly. Six o'clock. Six o'clock, he's doing the sport. Yeah.

My segment is at 9.20 in the morning, and I've left by 9.25. Yep. I've never seen Tim Watson. I don't know Tim Watson. And he's the opposite end of the day. Different show. Different, you know. Yeah.

But in this old guy's mind, oh, you work at Channel 7. Yeah, so tell me about Tim. What's he like? Yeah, because I bagged for Essendon, so he was one of my favourite players. And I go, yeah. So, like, I'm on in the morning and he's on in the afternoon. So, like, I don't actually know him. He goes, yeah, yeah.

So, when he comes in, um, does he wear his suit ready to go? Or does he like come in normal clothes and then get changed into the suit to do the, cause I just, do people wear a suit all day? And I go, yeah.

So I don't actually know because I'm in at nine 20 and he's in at 6. So I actually don't. He goes, yeah. So with Tim Watson, does he like, does he like read the sport all day and then just like say what he reckons?

Or is there a script guy? Did the guy, the guy at the cafe, was he tipped off by the fact that you were in just normal clothes at like 9.30 in the morning and like not at the office? He also struggled to comprehend that because I work, like you work from 9 to 5 or you don't work. Yeah, that's what I mean was he's confused. He didn't get that.

He didn't get that. So he goes, so you run on late today? And you go, I'm actually already done. Yeah, I said I've finished. And he goes, oh, so when you go back? And I was like, no, like I'm actually done. And this went on for like an excruciating. Had you already ordered?

Yeah. And are you just waiting for them to go, yep, soy cap and a regular latte for Ryan? Yeah, but what happens sometimes, and this is like a danger of being a soy drinker, is that sometimes they're like, oh, fuck, we're out of soy. Or like, because when you get the stock cow's milk there's always milk ready to go but sometimes with the special when they're like they got to crack a new bottle or they got to go out the back and so sometimes a three minute job can be an eight minute job but a bit longer usually you're like hey i'm just waiting for a coffee i've got no place to be yeah it's all good and this guy just couldn't comprehend

that i didn't know tim watson so he's thinking that you're going to be able to say, oh, like tell him Steve said hi. Yeah. From the fucking cafe. Do you remember in round seven, 1984, when you kicked that goal? I think he looked at me. Yeah. Like, do you know what's he, what was his end game?

Was it to like, wait until he could go to work with you and go and meet this guy? You want to know the cutest question ever? Oh yeah. He goes, so when he reads the sport behind the desk, is that his desk? Or does he, like, have another desk where he, like, works and then he comes into the studio? Like, is that his desk?

Oh. That is very sweet. That is a very cute question. Do people, I guess because like watching the TV, right, you watch the TV your whole life and you think things work a certain way. Do you think it is literally like he's been waiting for his chance to ask these questions? Yeah. And he's found some asshole in a cafe.

And he's finally found someone. When I was a kid, I thought that when you were listening to the radio and people like called in, I thought that you had to have a radio, like a CB radio. And I thought because it was the radio. Yeah, so you radio in. And I thought you had to radio in and you had to, like, know the channel, like, so only maybe some people knew it. And I grew up, my parents both had CB radios in their car

because we used to, like, travel, like, drive around. Okay, that's the strangest part of this story. No, no, no, no. We used to, like, drive to Broome every year. Right. Oh, so you'd need it when you're in the outback. Yeah, so we would have, like, have it for being in the outback. Anyway. Okay, because I associate those things with, like, no, no. We used to like drive to Broome every year. Right. Oh, so you'd need it when you're in the outback. Yeah, so we would have it for being in the outback. Anyway.

Okay, because I associate those things with like conspiracy theorists. Oh, no, no, no. It was like so if my dad was- Oh, just in case the government turns on us. No, no, no. So it was like, oh my God, that makes my parents sound crazy. No, no, no. So it was like if my dad went away like on a work trip or whatever,

my mum and dad would talk via the CB radio or the UHF because the phone wouldn't work where my dad was but the radio would. Sorry, you often, not often, sometimes will make a little jibe about me being old than you. Yeah, older than you. But I didn't grow up in the 20s. No, because Mary was. Did they do smoke signals?

And Morse code? Morse code. I love you too. No, but so because the phone wouldn't work where my dad was. So they would have like call signs so that they could call each other on the radio. Well, there is no phone towers at Area 51. So of course the phones didn't work. Oh my God, I sound so... they could call each other on the radio. Well, there is no phone towers at Area 51, so of course the phones didn't work. Oh, my God, I sound so...

Oh, God, dude. Anyway, so because we had the radios in the car, I thought we had to radio in to the radio. And then when I was older, I was like, oh, yeah, but, like, how do you even call up? And then my sister was like, yeah, like, on the phone, you fuckhead. You know, like, oh, 131060, give us a call. Yeah, she's like, use the phone. So hang on, they're like, a radio show is like, yeah, like on the phone, you fuckhead. You know, like, oh, 131060, give us a call. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, is that the Morse code on the- You use the phone. Yeah. So hang on. They're like, a radio show is like, oh, can you guess the secret sound and win the cash? So you go out to your car and get the CB radio. Well, I never called up for a thing. Hello?

Yep. Just Tony, Oscar, Bravo, Delta. Area 51, check. Is it a stapler being opened? Over. Is that weird? That is the funniest thing that you've ever said. But does he have his own desk?

Does he have emails or does he just read the news? But does he have his own desk? Does he have emails or does he just read the news? He CB radios into the radio. Sorry, sorry, just to bring everyone up to speed. Every time I leave the building here at work and come back and walk into the office, Tony and Cam go, oh, did you see Tim Watson? We didn't do that.

And they've been teasing me for weeks. It's very good. It's a mistake. I'll play the song. Thank you so much for tuning in today. My You Love To See It is on the 29th of December. I left my shitty, shitty job and I'm just moving on to Greener Pastures

and I'm calling it now. 2024 is going to be the year of the top and we're all going to smash it. Tony and I will be back this Monday with brand new episodes for 2024.

Have a great day. Bye.