Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: The Love Bite

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

TARPer Britnee is bringing you the music of Ryan Jon at the market. Love yaCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, it's Brittany from Perth and I approve this podcast. Hey, it's Brittany here. Today we're throwing it back to some of the best moments of Tony and Ryan for 2023. The guys are on holidays at the moment, but we'll be back before you know it with some brand new episodes for 2024. Today, Ryan and producer Cam have started their very own jazz band. But before we hear those tunes, it's one of our most painful confessions. It's a top confession. Front door only says, husband nagged me. Hang on, forgive me, Top of France. me well this is from a tarpa i found

this online oh there's just a warm-up oh trust me tarpa schmear is coming up and settle in folks that's brutal but first front door only says my husband nagged me to do anal for a year i finally gave in one night and purposely shat all over his dick and balls. He's never asked since, that pervy, pushy bastard. This is a bit like me with the hairdresser, isn't it? Is it? Saying, should I be- yeah, shat on them. No, but saying like, oh, I'll act up so that they don't ask me to do it again. Yeah. Or like when you do a bad job at something, like if my dad ever used to ask me to help him in the garden, I used to fuck stuff up so that he don't ask me to do it again. Yeah. Or like when you do a bad job at something. Like if my dad ever used to ask me to help him in the garden,

I used to fuck stuff up so that he wouldn't ask me again because I fucking hate working outside so much. Yeah. Yeah. That surprises me. You seem like an outdoor hands-on working type. That's a good going there. And we all laughed.

And we all gave a long. I'm a real outdoorsy type. Petty housemate said, I had a fight with the person I live with, so I turned the toaster up to the maximum setting. The next morning he burnt his toast and was panicking and swearing and I fucking loved it. It is such a low stakes thing that no one could ever tie back to you. That's why I like it.

It doesn't really do anything like long-lasting damage someone's fucked you off and then you see them fucked off that's an instant win oh yeah i don't even say like that's that's brilliant but like for the person yeah you know it's not you know shitting on their dick that's long-lasting damage i would say well that's never happening again yeah you know you know you're gonna be pretty of that, but you don't blame the toaster. Yeah. You just go, fuck, I've obviously knocked the thing. Shit on a dick, shame on me.

Shit on a dick twice, shame on you. You know the saying, that old famous saying. Yeah, you've always said that. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was George W. Bush that said that. But here is the one from a tarpa. Oh, actually, I don't know if it's schmear or maybe it's schmear for like nightmare.

Right. Either way. So, if you've got a great confession, really juicy, something anonymous that you want to share, get off your chest, you can go to our website. The link is in our show notes. Yep. I was on the bathroom sink. This boy was bent down in front of me and he was going to town on my puss. Oh, okay.

Like a sexual thing. Yep. Yep. I was on the sink. Yeah. So, she's not like doing some plumbing. Well, he's doing some plumbing. But no, she's up on the bathroom sink and he's going.

To town. Downtown. Downtown. Not a professional, but I'll look into it for you. He was so drunk. And to be fair, like up on the bathroom sink is like it that's that's not a that's a drunk thing that's not a sober man's move no it's not it's not a sober any person's move yeah you're definitely not going you know it would really fucking kick this up a notch why don't you sit on the sink no one's saying that so he's kneeling on the bathroom floor and schmear says he was mid suck slash mid bite and his teeth gripped on my inner labia

and because he was drunk he fell to the floor with my labia in his mouth He ripped the whole thing, all of it except for about one centimetre and there was blood everywhere. It was like pouring blood from a jug out of me from the second he fell down. Tony, how are you feeling now that you've heard that? You know how I said yesterday it'll make vagina havers want to, like, cross their legs? Yep. So much airtime is given to penis havers with, like, a knee to the balls or a ball but you know like

that something happens and oh me cock and balls whatever very rarely do vagina havers get the spotlight on this and that is fucking harrowing at least it wasn't a little clitty like imagine imagine if that were you like you'd probably never feel again when i went to the hospital they thought he'd bit my clit off because it was the in inverted commas hanging part and it was so purple and swollen question question in this situation you know how hear me out you know how if, hear me out, you know how if you cut your finger off, you put it in like a bag of ice so they can reattach it,

do you put the flap in a bag of ice and take that with you? I'd put the flap in the freezer. Are you putting the flap in some ice and then taking that with you? Yeah. Yeah. Retouch the flap. Or does it grow back like a starfish? The starfishes grow back.

Starfish's leg, yeah, if you break off a starfish? The starfishes grow back. Starfish's leg. Yeah, if you break off a starfish's leg, it'll grow back up. So, does the labia like re-return or like do you get another one? Like how many of – or do you have to glue it back on? Like what do you – I actually have an answer. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I had to wait two weeks before having surgery because the swelling was so – because, you know, you can't – well, it's all swollen and bruised and torn up and in stitches. You can't have- Fuck, that would be so sore. You wouldn't be able to wear any- Like, you couldn't wear knickers. Yeah. And also, like, when you get your-

If you get your period, right? Like, they say that you shouldn't go and get laser or have a wax or anything. Because you're really sensitive and it makes it hurt way more. Imagine if this confessional had gotten her period at the same time. Like, that would be so painful. Oh, my God. My bloody puss is swelling up thinking about this. Sorry.

Once her swelling went down, the doctors said that removal was the only option. Removal of her fanny? Well, like the remaining part of... Well, let me just read this sentence. Sorry, yep. Let me just read this sentence because as a... I mean, here's a guy trying to explain fucking a town he's never... doesn't know expertly. Can't even find it on a map. What's that up there? No, no, no. Down here, mate. No, that's not what they want.

Turn the map around. Oh, there it is. Now I've got one fat lip and one thin one. So, I don't know how they got to that, but that's the conclusion of what happened. Well, because I'm guessing they, like, just stitched the wound to- Don't say wound. I'm guessing they stitched the torn part. Obviously, they haven't reattached the flap,

but just sewn the whole shirt. So, she's got this. She used to have this. Now, she's got this. Now, as you can imagine. Fuck, that would be so painful. The confession part is like when your family's like, oh, you're going into hospital, what happened? Oh my, I did not even think about that. Oh, some

drunken fuckhead was going down on me on a sink and slipped on the bathroom and ripped my vagina off. Tommy Kunjoff. Oh. Fuck, you're not calling him back, are you? So, to the rest of my family, yes, my tonsils are doing fine. If it was your tonsils, why can't you sit down, Madeline? My vaginal tonsils? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, you wouldn't go back. Like, surely. You're not calling him back. No fucking way. What if they were dating and he was drunk and he didn't mean it? Oh, not because he did it on purpose. You'd never trust him again.

No, he'd be like, he'd like start sliding down. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, if someone fucking crashes your car, you don't hand him the keys. You know? Yeah. Like, you know, shit on me once, shame on you. Shit on me twice, shame on me. I just can't get over how fucking painful that would be.

And the recovery would take forever. Yeah. Because you know how with, like, any, like, if you have stitches or, like, any wound. Sorry for saying wound again. But, like, you're supposed to, like, not keep it moist. Don't say moist for fuck's sake. But, like, it's a damp environment. Yeah. It's a warm, damp environment. But, like, it's a damp environment. Yeah.

It's a warm, damp environment. Like, she's growing mushrooms down there. Like, you know, it's not. Is she? Well, she might not be. Someone might be. Fuck, that would be so, I cannot even deal with that. That would be so fucking painful.

Please keep sending your anonymous stories and anonymous confessions and anonymous tonsil removals to Ryan, to removals to TonyandRyan.com.au. Yeah, the link is in the show notes. You know, when you hear a lot of horror stories about, like, getting the banjo string snapped. I've had a friend snap his penis. Oh. And I remember getting to the house.

Like a fractured penis because I've heard of that. Yeah. Yeah. So, not the banjo string, fractured penis because I've heard of that. Yeah. Yeah. So not the banjo string, like the actual penis. Oh, my gosh. They kind of like, how do I say this? I actually know exactly what's happened because it's almost happened to me. They're going in and out.

Yeah. And like fully in, fully out. Yeah. And then kind of hit the side. Yep. But the pressure of going back in. Oh, yep. It's like driving through a tunnel.

You've got to be careful. Yep. But the pressure of going back in. Oh, yep. It's like driving through a tunnel. You got to be careful. Yep. So, I remember walking in and seeing the blood over the mattress and just being like, this is fucked. And I was like, just for now, just turn the mattress upside down. Just so you... And you know what? I won't say the guy's name, but do you know what he said to me?

What? I won't say the guy's name, but do you know what he said to me? What? I already have. That's the blood that's soaked through. R-I-D. Hey, it's Brittany from Perth, and you're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. What is the most white, straight, middle class thing a couple in their mid-30s can do on a Sunday morning? Okay, well, let's just-

And is the answer farmer's market. Yes. And let's describe your relationship. Yeah. Early to mid-30s. Mid-30s. Married. Actually, past.

Bridget's 36. Expecting a baby very soon. Daughter-McDaughter phase. Yep. Yeah, I'd say that if I went to a farmer's market, you're exactly who I would expect to see. And there's one in Eltham and we thought it was one. It's every week and we are loving ourselves sick. It is the most wholesome thing you can do on the weekend, I reckon.

I love it. A little like family-run businesses. They grow on the produce during the week, they sell on the markets on the weekend. It just makes you feel like you're doing the right thing. There's a gorgeous one around the corner from me and from where, like, you used to live. The Saturday morning one?

The one on Gleadle Street near the gym. Yeah. So good. And apparently there's a guy who works at the Gleadle Street one who's been selling his eggs there for, like, 40 years. How good. Like, he's just been doing it forever. It's his, you know, it's his pride and joy probably.

He's probably got like 10 hens in the backyard. You know what I mean? Like it's- Well, I'm imagining it's like quite a small operation. You know what I mean? So, the place where you get our eggs from via the Alf and Farmers Market, it's 700 metres from our house. And it's just this one family.

The market or the actual hen layers? The hen, like, yeah. Yeah, right. Because they're- The hen layers. Well, yeah, they're from Kangaroo Gang, which is just this one family. The market or the actual hen layers? The hen, like, yeah. Yeah, right, the hen layers. Well, yeah, they're from Kangaroo Gang, which is just, like, next door. Have you ever bought, sorry to get off topic, have you ever bought eggs from the pran market? They're a late, the best eggs you'll get. But they're, like, $45 a carton.

Yeah, from Gippsland or something. They are so expensive, but they are really good. And I wouldn't say they're worth it, but they are really good. Yeah, and you get sucked in when you're at a farmer's market, don't you? Because you feel wholesome, you feel like you're the right kind of person. You'll get the extra special organic one that has got the proper grass. You know what? I will take three jars of marmalade, thank you very much. I've never eaten it in my life, but, you know, I'm putting your daughter in fucking ballet lessons or whatever. Well, speaking of putting the daughter through ballet.

Yeah. The girl at the egg stand would have been six years old. Oh. And she's there with dad on a Sunday. Bless. You know, it's all festive. Dad's like in the truck getting another crate or whatever. And she goes, would you like some eggs?

She knows what she's doing. Well, that's what I reckon. I reckon they know what they're doing 100%. And Bridget. She probably gets a profit. Her parents probably say every carton you sell Annabelle, 50 cents or something. You reckon?

I reckon. So. You've got to make it worth it or maybe they buy her an ice cream at the end of the day or something. She picked her target because she sees Bridget. She sees Bridget Ballet and goes, here's a fucking sale. Yeah. She's a softie. I'll turn the cuteness up to a thousand.

And she goes, oh, do you want some eggs? And Bridget's like, oh, hello. Yes, we would love some eggs. She goes, oh, cool. So, we've got the Regulons here. Or do you want the large delicious ones? The large delicious ones. She's upselling. Doesn't that get you though? You go on the large ones. Yeah. And we're like, oh, we'll get the large. We'll take three cartons of the large ones. She goes, yep, it's $8 per thing, but if you buy three cartons, it's a dollar or two.

I was like, this girl's like, she's so small. She wouldn't be up to my waist. So here's my question. Yeah. Cute as fuck or exploitative child labour? No, like I said, I reckon she's either getting 50 cents or an ice cream at the end of the day. You work for a room and board at that age, don't you?

Wow. Her mum and dad aren't paying her, aren't charging her board to work at the stand on a Sunday. She's working her debt down. I just hope she gets a cut because- She must do. And I reckon we're going to open up Forbes in 40 years and she's going to be this like crazy entrepreneur business lady.

Entrepreneur, CEO. But there was a little issue at the farmer's market. There's this really nice, there's like a little jazz band, you know, and it's like a bunch of old guys, you know, who are just jamming out and having fun. A bunch of dads from the community. Yeah, and it kind of just sets the tone because it's a bit poppy and it's like a bunch of old guys, you know, who are just jamming out and having fun. A bunch of dads from the community. Yeah, and it kind of just sets the tone because it's a bit poppy and it's a bit nice.

It is nice. I do like the music. I'm going to go to the – oh, no. No, okay. No, I was going to say I'll go to the farmer's market this weekend, but maybe I'm busy. I'm just trying to think about what I've got on. You're busy.

You're a published author. While I consider my calendar, please continue. So, there's a jazzy little fun band at the Eltham Farmers Market, but the problem is that the band is too close to the barista cart. And to show you how this is a problem, I'm going to need some help. So, Cam, can you come sit over here? Has Cam just started a jazz band? Is that what's happening?

Take a cheek of the seat. We'll go cheek to cheek. Cam will be playing the role of the band. All right. So, Cam, our producer, is here. Hello. Hello. Welcome.

Thanks for being here. So, can you give me like the music and I'll do the singing of the band? Okay. Is it bossa nova or is it more up-tempo or what are we looking for? Oh, yeah, that's what I need to know as well. I think like a casual Sunday, but it's a vibey Sunday, but it's still a Sunday morning. Okay, what was the weather like?

Because that might influence. It was cloudy. Oh, minor. So Cam will be doing the music for the band. I will be singing for the band. Okay. And Tony will be playing the role of the increasingly frustrated and agitated barista who's trying to call out the names of the coffees that have been made but no one can hear because of the band.

Because of the band. Yeah. Okay, so Cam. The Sunday morning jazz. Sarah. We're doing the Sunday morning jazz. Sarah. It's a flat white for Sarah.

I've got a flat white for Sarah. It's a flat white for Sarah. I've got a flat white for Sarah. I've got a flat white for Sarah. Sorry, just a flat white for Sarah. Sorry, ma'am. You don't need to yell. Sorry. It's a Sunday morning at the Yelp Market. Yeah, this is the oat milk.

The oat milk. Did you want oat milk? Can you please not yell? We're at a farmer's market. Sorry, everyone. Sarah, this is the oat milk. The oat milk. Did you want oat milk? Can you please not yell? We're at a farmer's market. Sorry, everyone. Sarah, this is the oat milk farm. We're at the Sunday market. Full cream milk.

This is full cream milk. This is what you asked for. I know I was saying oat milk before, but I don't think you could hear me. This is full cream milk. This is definitely what you asked and paid for. All right, thank you, Cam. Thank you, Tony. That was beautiful.

We should do more improv. Thank you so much for tuning in. My love to see it would be, you know, those videos that kind of come around at Christmas time of kids opening their presents. And sometimes it's like super excited, but sometimes their parents kind of give them these shit presents and watching their reactions. Tony and Ryan will be back next Monday. Have a great day and bye for now.