Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Tinder In Italy

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Would you use Tinder on holiday? TARPer Jake is reminding me of a HARROWING time someone did. LOVE YA! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey y'all, it's Jake from Dallas, and I approve this podcast. Hey, it's Jake. Today we're throwing it back to some of the best moments of Tony and Ryan for 2023. The guys are on holiday, taking some time off, but we'll be back before you know it with some brand new episodes for 2024. Today, we're throwing it back to Tony's fateful run-in with a very intense massage chair. But before that, here's a tarper with the most harrowing tender date in all of Italy and and maybe all time one thing i love about the tarp community and also i will point this out with the confessions we're doing as well um they're real confessions from real people that listen to this podcast and i love that we've created a community where people feel

they can share their stories yeah now when we started the pod i think we had a fucking field day of people telling us their harrowing, like, first dates and hookup stories. Yes. And then as new people come to the pod, they go, hey, I've only just found you guys. Have a listen to this. Yeah. And so can I say to this tarpa, I'm not even going to name her because it's that cooked. Yeah.

I think we need to be better with the anonymity. Yep. Let's just call her Travelling Tarpa. Travelling Tarpa. That sounds very fun. And the reason she's Travelling Tapa is because she went on exchange to Italy when she was in university. So she did a semester abroad in an Italian university.

Wouldn't that just be gorgeous? What a fucking dream come true. I always wanted to go on exchange, but I never did because it's like, isn't it crazy expensive? No, well, sometimes it's free. Or do you just swap with like, say, if I went to Germany, then maybe like a German person would stay with my family or whatever? Yeah, and then so a lot of at uni at the moment,

I think I told you I had dinner the other night in class break with a guy from Toronto. Oh, Toronto. Toronto. Don't say the T. And I said, oh, where are you staying? And he goes, oh, do you know Mohammed who went here? And I was like, oh, it's a huge uni. No, no, Toronto. Toronto. Don't say the T. And I said, oh, where are you staying? And he goes, oh, do you know Mohammed who went here? And I was like, oh, that's a huge union.

Yeah. And he goes, oh, well, I'm staying in his place and he's at the University of Toronto staying in my apartment. So they literally just did a straight up swap. When I was in primary school, this Canadian family swapped houses with like an Australian family from Rollystone. They swapped like houses, cars, lives, everything for a whole year. Straight up?

Yeah. And Kat was in. Yeah. No, like, literally the whole family up and left. That's sick. And they, yeah. So, like, the family from Rollystone were in Canada for a whole year and the Canadian family stayed with us.

And, yeah, like, so they were there for an entire year year and yeah they used their car their house like literally everything do you reckon me and torps could swap for a month houses or like just like swap i mean straight up well um we're not married so is that a technicality of like couldn't be a wife swap so not available i don't think i could live with you. I'll check the fine print. No, fuck no, actually. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Half an hour a day is. That's enough.

Okay. You said it. Yeah, I know. And you agreed. Yeah. Hi, I love your podcast so much. So this is from Travelling Tapa. Travelling Tapa.

Where did Travelling Tapa send this through to? This is via Patreon, a DM on Patreon. I went to university in Italy. And what does a single gal do when she's new to town on her first night laying in her bed? I jumped on Tinder. Fair enough. Wanted to taste the foreign fruits.

This is maybe not important, but is Tinder a thing everywhere? Like Netflix? Yeah. You just log into your new zone well because it's it's location based so it goes you set the parameters but is it called like tinder or something but if it's not it should be it's the same app because it go you go yep i want to find someone between 25 and 35 within 30 kilometers of where i am right now. And it's like a sliding thing. So you set the parameters and blah, blah, blah. So, but having said that, I'm pretty sure they pronounce it.

Tindera. So she was on. Tindera. And she matches with this guy. On Tindera. And I think I like this when they said, hey, I'm just new to town, blah, blah. Not a relationship. They just both were very clear with their intentions.

I'm just here to hook up. I think that's fine. If both people want the same thing, then, like, fucking go for it, girlfriend. So we agreed to meet up in his hotel and have sex. We knew what was going on. He was clearly nervous, which is understandable, I think. Was he also a traveller? I believe so.

Yeah, okay. So it's not as if she's met up with this local and getting all this local knowledge. They're both just like random Americans. Well, he's hotel. Yeah. Yeah. So and this is like zero to 100 in terms of a friendship.

He was nervous. I don't think they wanted to become friends. Well, he was nervous. So he just decided to smoke a little weed on the balcony just so he would relax a little bit. Sure just like hang out i guess i so this is something that i don't really understand so i've never like i never had tinder or tinder in australia as we call it um i never did that like hookup thing yeah the only thing that i've done is as in like one night stand or whatever like go home with somebody but it was

like at a party or whatever so you kind of had already done the like courting warming up yeah I guess whereas like if you just rock up to someone's house like I feel like yeah you do need something to like break the ice yeah because yeah do you just walk in and just like start macking or you go oh hi nice to meet you yeah like shoes oh it's one of those things where it's like a bit hot you both know what you're there for do Do you just fucking get it over with? Yeah. I mean, that'd be nice if you offer them a drink, be polite. Yeah.

But you're not going, do you want to watch an episode of Border Security? Ah, yeah. Well, that might get me in the mood. I would do it. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, Cocaine Cassie or whatever her name was. No, that's a real person. That's a real person.

Coke Shoes Karen. Oh, yeah. Found her on Tinder. Would it be slightly hot, though, if you opened the door and you were like, hi, and they just, like, pushed you through down on the bed? I don't think I would like that. Okay, I'll just write that down. Make a note.

Change of plans. If you find Tony on Tinder. We may have smoked a little bit too much weed to the point where he was having trouble getting and staying hard. So the plan to ease the tension. Ease it too much weed to the point where he was having trouble getting and staying hard. So the plan to ease the tension. Ease it too much. There's no tension now. So we're laying naked on the bed and he's feeling a bit like sheepish

and he's like, oh, just give me five minutes or just let me chill out or sober up or whatever. And it's never a big deal but I can understand that the pressure to perform. Absolutely. So she said she's laying naked on the bed and she's face down and she's got this long hair, like beautiful long hair that's down all the way to her butt.

And he is like, what? What? We've heard some harrowing hair stories in the past. Oh, yep. He asked if he could play with my hair. Being a normal person, I figured this meant, like, run his fingers through my hair. Totally.

Braid it, maybe, if his mum was a hairdresser, you know. And she's being modest, but when she's like, I had this long hair down. She's obviously got beautiful hair. And he's just trying to chill out. She sounds fine. I don't know anything about her. She sounds fine.

She sounds fine. I assumed that meant touch the hair. It never does. Listen to this podcast. It's educational. You learn about the squid, you learn about the hair. I just feel like we know by now. This man then proceeded to wrap my hair around his pork sword and started jerking off with it i was completely stunned and

just froze because what the fuck she's on her stomach face down and he's just kneeling behind her rapids with his dick wrapped in her hair and he's just jerking off. As soon as my hair touched his pork sword, instantly hard. Now, obviously, we're not here to kink shame, but I feel like there's a bit of like consent. When you say, can I touch your hair? I feel like- Not what I imagined. Yeah, not your first instinct.

Yeah. So, she's within her right to be a bit fucking shocked right um but she got at the same time aren't you just so happy that he's hard and you're like yep here we go well so that's what she's thinking she's like this is so torn well she's like this is fucking weird but it's sort of working now we can and now he's and so but she's so shocked and stunned. She's kind of just like waiting for him to go. All right, good to go. You know what I mean?

Well, yeah. Cause you're like, cool. You're hard now. Yeah. Party time. And then she's like, you know, looking back on, I can see where we're ready. And he's just like going to town.

And then she just goes, oh, he sort of just looks like he's having a pretty good time doing that. And then he finished. Not no hair. Oh, it was probably not a hair wash day. It did not align with her schedule. I was so shocked. I didn't know where it went.

I just heard him finish. And I turned around to him and said, you better not have got cum in my beautiful hair. He gave a nervous smile, got up and left. It was his hotel. Where did he go? To the lobby? So, he just comes in her hair and leaves. Travelling Tapa says, I still don't know for sure where it went because I look for traces

of it. And because my hair was that long and she's like, I just couldn't figure it out. So, I put my hair up in like a big bun and went home. This guy is still known to my friends as hair guy and all of my friends still die laughing about this to this day. Because I do have nice hair, it's not uncommon for people to like give me a compliment. But as you can imagine, we're at a cafe with all my girlfriends and someone goes, oh, you've got beautiful hair and all of my friends go bubble don't you you know every time it comes up in conversation everyone's like compliment more like

compliment hey it's jake from dallas and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. So I have a tale of when like self-care has gone a bit wrong. To the point where it's no longer self-care? Yeah, kind of. Why are you doing this? For me. Yeah, for me. And it's actually ended up not being as relaxing as I'd hoped.

Without knowing what this story is, my favourite thing on TikTok is in Family Guy when they're playing golf and Peter's like, oh, so you're supposed to hit it in the lake? Yeah. And he's like, no. And she's like, well, then so why did you hit it in the lake? Oh. He's like, and it ends up, he's like, she's like, well, why are we even doing it?

Because we're having fun. Yeah. We're here because we want to be and we're all having a good time and we're taking care of ourselves and it's good for our mental health. I love having fun. What fun have you been having? Well, so I actually, I really struggle with self-care because I find I feel really selfish when I spend money or time on myself.

So, like, recently we had, like, a friend visiting and I found it really hard to, like, even though I said to you guys, oh, I kind of want to just, like, have a couple of days where I've, you know, don't have much stuff on you, like, okay. And I was like, oh, I better just keep working. And like I worked from home both days instead of not doing anything because I just felt really guilty about it. And over the last.

Didn't stop them though, did it? Didn't stop them, no. Yarny and Torbs is really turning it on on a Tuesday. Mate, it's 10.36 on a Tuesday. Should we have a few beers? They had a loose time. Literally, we're still trying to take the recycling down. Like, and it was last week. Yeah. Like, we're full up. How many shipments have you done? Yeah, fuck, quite a few beers. They had a loose time. Literally, we're still trying to take the recycling down. And it was last week.

Yeah. How many shipments have you done? Yeah, quite a few trips downstairs. They had a freight container. Yeah, we need one of those like skip bins put in our courtyard. We could just like lob some stuff in there. But I really struggle with it. And over the last couple of weeks, I've kind of been doing a few random like book

publicity things and i thought you know what all that make me feel really nice i'll go and get my nails done nice and i went and i thought i'll go and get a pedicure like go and get the little hooves done yep and i'll sit there and enjoy my afternoon and whatever and i actually like wrote it into my to-do list because I was like, no, I really want to go and do it. Put it in. And is that for you very relaxing, feels nice, you can sit back and someone takes care of you and they bring a little tea or something like that? They don't do a tea at the one that I – they do have ones like that,

but I don't go to those. Maybe that's what I should do next time because – But in general, it is a relaxing experience. Yeah. Because when I went – I went to the wax place the other day. Yes. And you went, oh, that's nice. I'm like, no, it's not.

It's fucking terrifying. It's painful as fuck. So it's not like that. No, but you know how it's still kind of not, even though it's painful, it's still kind of nice because, like, you're not on your phone or you can't, like, read an email. You're not talking to anybody. You're just kind of sitting there and like zoning out a bit.

I've seen that last story, so it wasn't that relaxing. So I'm denied over going and it was in my to-do list and I was saying to Torb, I think I might go get my nails done this afternoon. He was like, cool, go and do it. And I was just like, oh. And then I was like, oh, actually I might do this thing. And he was like, do you need to do that today? I was like, oh, no, not really, but thing. And he was like, do you need to do that? So I was like, oh, no, not really.

But like, I'll just do it. So then it's done. And I was just coming up with every excuse that I could fucking come up with. And I finally had like a split second of being like, you know what? No, I am going to go because it'll make me feel better. And I took advantage of it and like sprinted out the door. It was your moment. Your one opportunity.

Were you going to seize it? Yes. Or just let it slip. And I seized it. And it's kind of like right by my house. So I like walked around the corner and like over the street, whatever. And it wasn't until like I kind of walked into the shopping centre that I was like, oh, my God, I look terrible. You know when you're like just bumming around the house all day,

like working from home or whatever, and you just kind of throw on whatever you've got in the house because no one's going to see you. But because I've kind of got, oh, my God, you know what? I'll go right now. I've grabbed my handbag and I just left. So what were you wearing? So I was wearing-

And how were you wearing it? I was wearing just slides. Yeah. The slides I bought you? I think was wearing like just slides. Yeah. The slides I bought you? I think they probably were actually. Good friend. Thank you. Those and just like shitty like house shorts.

Yeah. And I was wearing like a big boxy T-shirt. Would you describe it as a moo-moo? Oh, yeah, kind of that vibe. Just like a massive t-shirt like tucked into my shorts and like no bra or anything i don't even think i was wearing knickers okay like i was just i'd been like just bumming around the house all day like i'm literally wearing like zero under my clothes what i'm imagining is if someone said tony can you get

dressed you need to vacuum the house yeah yes or, you literally just need to put shorts on to go down to the bin. Yeah. Like, you know, no bra, no knickers. Like, I looked like I didn't belong to anyone. Like, I looked like a tramp. So when you walked out the door, you hadn't thought about it? No. You left the front door of the apartment and hadn't thought about it.

Then you suddenly hit the fucking public surrounded by people. The bright lights of the shopping centre. And went, oh. There's other people here. Yeah. I'm not actually vacuuming. Yeah. I'm not taking something to the bin.

I'm in a shopping centre. Yeah, and there's other people that can see me and know. Did you say not wearing underwear? Yeah. Like, I'm just. But when you. Okay. No, no.

Ask, please. So when you're sitting getting your, like, toenails done, you kind of, like, sit up on the higher chair, right? You do. And they're, like, down low. Oh, yeah, please. So when you're sitting getting your, like, toenails done, you kind of, like, sit up on the higher chair, right? You do. And they're, like, down low. Oh, yeah, yeah. To do your toes. And then they're, like, looking back up towards you.

Yeah, yeah. That's not even part of the story. But, yes, that is a concern in retrospect now that I'm human. Wow. So I just hadn't even thought about it. They've seen into your soul. Yeah, lucky them. So anyway.

What a dark, evil place. There's no hope in there, that's for sure. Anyway, so, like, the nail salon I think is, like, a weird vibe anyway because there's always, like, two or three people working there and, like, you walk in there because you can't make a booking or anything. You just kind of, like, walk in there and you go. Do you like that or is that freaky? I don't really like it.

You need to know a time. I'm booked in. That's my time. And because so you go in there and you go, oh, do you have time to do pedicure right now? And they go, oh, what do you want? And you go, oh, just like shellac or whatever. And they go, oh, yep, we can fit you in now.

And they say that but there's always like multiple people waiting. And then so you have to kind of do the arsehole like how long will it be? yep, we can fit you in now. And they say that but there's always like multiple people waiting. Yeah. And then so you have to kind of do the arsehole like, how long will it be? And it's not because you're being pushy but it's kind of like, oh, if you're going to be half an hour, I've got something else I can go and do or I'll come back in half an hour. And they go, yeah, take a seat and you go, well, fucking hell, I'm not here for it.

And you kind of just get backed into being like, all right, well, I guess I'm sitting down. Yeah. So there's like there's two people working there and there's five people in the salon already getting their nails done. Yeah, right. And they're sitting like at the bench and all of them are facing one direction, the back wall.

On the back wall is where there's like seven of those big chairs with the foot basins in them. And they're raised a little bit. They're raised up. So they're on like a little platform. And they look like a little lazy boy, big fat arm. Yes. Lean right back, sweetheart.

And some of the fancy ones now have got like massage, like they're a massage chair. How good are they? So good. Are you going to get one of them? So she goes, you're going to get a, like you want a pedicure? And I was like, yeah, thank you. And she goes, oh, I'll fill up the water, like the basin.

Like you sit in here and we'll get you when we get you. And I go, oh, okay. And so I'm just like, cool. I'll just like go on my phone or just like I think I have my Kindle with me. I was like I can read while I'm doing it. She's a Kindle person now. I am a Kindle person now. I think I had my Kindle with me.

I was like, I can read while I'm doing it. She's a Kindle person now. I am a Kindle person now. Anyway, so, like, I'm sitting there and then she goes, oh, my gosh, we'll pop on the massage chair for you as well. Like, why are you waiting? And I was like, fuck, this is a bit of all right. Like, I'm not mad about this.

Don't even worry about the pedicure. I'll just sit in your massage chair for 20 minutes with my feet in the hot water and I'm fucking good to go. Yeah, my feet are in the hot water. I've got my Kindle. I'm like, they're about to start up this massage thing. So, I'm facing everyone. And they're all facing you. And they're all facing me.

And I don't want to re-ask the question from earlier, but. Yep. So, they put on the massage thing. Oh, my God. And you're not wearing a bra? And it's not really like a soft, low massage. Yeah. And you know when you go in and it's maybe not a, like,

high-quality one and it's just, like, kind of punches you in the back. So I'm sitting there. My feet are in the water. My whole body is jiggling around. You're not wearing a bra. I'm not wearing'm just wearing little house shorts and i'm sitting there and everybody in the thing is like looking at me like just trying not to make eye contact with anybody but kind of like looking at me and i'm sitting there like this for about boobs shaking 30 minutes. And my boobs are about to fucking get me in the eye.

It smashed nail polishes off the wall. When the ladies get their nails done, were they wearing glasses? Because they're a chance of losing a fucking eye here. Yeah, safety goggles they put on them. And so I'm sitting there and because I'm so awkward and the salon's so quiet. So everyone can hear the... And me just... Are you too embarrassed to be like...

My skin slapping against itself like this, like a fucking cheap porno. And I was too embarrassed to be like, could you turn this off? Because I didn't want to, like, attract attention to the fact that I was being fucking shaken around like a bloody McFlurry. I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but I reckon when you say I don't want to bring attention to me, it sounds like you already had.

And so I'm just sitting there and I'm like, this is obviously terrible. Oh, my God, your screen's turned off. What's that dance called? What dance? It's like a mariachi, the way you're dancing. Oh, I don't know. It's like you're in a mariachi band.

Oh. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da And then she goes, oh, the massage. It finally fucking stopped. And I'm like, thank fucking God. And she comes over and she goes, oh, what colour do you want? Have you picked a colour? And I'm like giving her. Let me leave. And I was just like, oh, my God, I need a fucking back brace for me choosies that have been popping all over town. Hang on.

You can't just introduce new words to the. Choosies? Me choosies. Yeah. That's not a thing people say. I say that. Choosies. You don't think so, Cam? Have you heard choosies? My choosies. Yeah. That's not a thing people say. I say that. Choosies. You don't think so, Cam?

Have you heard choosies before? I haven't had much experience with choosies. But anyway, so I was like, and then she goes to sit down. I give her the colour that I want. She goes and gets the thing. And then she sits down. I'm like, fuck, thank God that thing's fucking finished. And she goes, oh, my God, the massage is finished massage is finished i'm so sorry she turns it on and now you are punching

her in the face and then my fucking my my feet are like dancing around like a fucking geppetto puppet and me fucking boobs are flying everywhere and i was just like fucking mortified and i'm gonna be sitting here for another fucking 30 minutes at least oh my it was like and just everybody was it was like I was in a show because everybody I was on display looking at you and were they looking at you being like bitch this is supposed to be my self-care time and I feel like I'm being attacked yeah probably and they're dodging like and one of the girls like kind of like kept catching my eye and like smiling, like trying not to laugh because she was like, I know you obviously feel too awkward to ask them to turn the thing. Like she was like, I've been there.

You know, like it was that kind of like eye contact. I was like, please understand. Should she ask for you? If she's going to go, excuse me, I think she'd like it lower. Can you imagine though if that happened and she went, could you please turn that off because that is just unsightly. I don't know what the fuck is going on over there, but that's not what I signed up for.

I reckon everybody that was looking at me thought they were being punked. They were like, should we say something? Where's Ashton Kutcher? This is clearly, like, not a real situation that we're in. But literally, and I'm just like, now I've got to wear a sports bra next time I go to the market. A sports bra. Well, guys, thanks so much for tuning in today.

My You Love to See It is Advent calendars. It's Christmas time, Advent calendars. I need a little treat every day, 24, 25 days worth of treats. Sign me up. Might love to see it. Tony and Ryan will be back this coming Monday. Have a great day. Great weekend.

Stay classy.