Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Your Poop Soup Stories

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

Your BEST poop fiascos to back up the plunger drama of 2022. Love ya!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, it's Producer Cam with your throwback episode. You're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Welcome to a Friday throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. You're sticking around with Producer Cam. Ryan is on baby leave and Tony's in the bathroom actually. She's been there for a while, actually. I might give her a call. Maybe do that later. Anyway, you've heard of Tony's Poonami. Now, today, we're going to follow up with your funny poop stories.

But first of all, let's jump into it. It's a bit of Normal or Nah. Using secondhand mattresses. That's a nah from me. That's a big nah from me. That's a... So, when That's a big nah from me. That's a... So when I was about... Oh, God.

Actually, when I was about 15. Yeah. I got a double. Went from the single to the double. Oh, yeah, okay. That's a big move. It is. I wasn't allowed a double bed until I was 18.

Wasn't allowed it? Yeah, like my mum would double it. No, you're not allowed a double bed until you're 18. Oh, allowed it? Yeah, like my mum and dad were like, no, you're not allowed a double bed until you're 18. Oh, actually might have been younger, but I had to buy it. Yeah, we just like weren't allowed. And so I found it, like this guy that had like a bunch of them in a garage, secondhand. What? For cash. He had a bunch of mattresses?

Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. And to be honest, didn't really think much about it until about 15 seconds ago. That's weird, mate. And it was from Box Hill. If you're from Melbourne and you know that area, that'll say a lot. So you went to this guy's house.

Paid cash. And got a double. But you just bought a mattress out of someone's garage. Yeah, and base. And me and Grandpa went around, picked it up in the trailer. And he just had heaps of beds? Yeah. Of all the people he's killed and he's selling their beds?

I don't know. You know, the more questions you ask, the answers aren't going to get any better. That's really fucked. It gets more fucked. Oh. So I get my new bed. Yeah. And the reason I decided to get it, because Mum decided to upgrade her one.

Oh. And I was like, oh, that's great. Maybe I'll buy my own. And then I saved up all my money and whatever. Why don't you just have her bed that she upgraded? Oh, sorry. Sorry. So as I'm getting excited with my double bed and my mate Dave goes,

oh, what a great idea. Dave Parsons. Yeah, Dave Parsons. So much more space. So great. And then so mum's getting her new mattress and Dave says to my mum, what are you doing with the old one, Mandy? Normal or nah?

Nah. Well, for Dave, that was pretty fucking normal. Mum's like, I was going to throw it out, but I mean, why, you want it? And he was like, yep. And then Dave's dad, Big Jimbo Parsons, comes around with his trailer and picks up mum's mattress and takes it back to his place. It's a queen as well, not even a double. Why didn't you just take your mum's mattress?

I think the timing wasn't quite right. Like there was a bit of crossover or something, I'm not sure, but all I remember is Dave coming around and then I explained to Dave because mum goes, oh, this is my first new mattress in like 20-odd years. So she was really excited. You were probably conceived on them. Well, I explained that, Dave, I was probably conceived on that mattress. Does that freak you out?

Then my mate Dave explained adoption to me. Oh! And I just... And now I'm going to have to explain it to Tony. To me. Oh, my God. I literally did not even put Tony in. I mean, for Hollywood and poetic purposes,

the line you were probably conceived on that bed makes a lot of sense. But obviously if we start thinking about the biology of it, probably wasn't, you know what I'm saying? That's very funny. I mean, if I was, what were the chances? Did you plan for me to say that? No. I can't believe that I just did not even think.

Because I was like, oh, if you were 15, 20 years, oh, my God, probably. LAUGHTER I did not even think because I was like, oh, if you were 15, 20 years, oh, my God, probably. A lot going on today. Wow. It's the cheese balls. It's the cheese balls. They've really got to us. And then Dave used that as his bed for five, ten years, something like that. Yeah, sleeping on someone else's bed even for a night, I'm like,

oh, it's their bed. Really? Not that I wouldn't do it and it's not like a snobby thing. It's literally just like this is someone else's personal space. This is their sanctuary of like at the end of a hard day, they're in their bed, it's cosy, it's theirs. Like the same way that you have the doona that you like or the pillows you like, like I don't like the idea of other people nesting

up in my bed either. So I don't know if this is because all my friends didn't live close to each other. Yeah. There was never like, oh, movie's finished, I'm just going to walk home. We all stayed at each other's houses all the time. Yeah. All the time.

Like this sounds like not in a like slushy way because that's not what this is about genuinely. I reckon probably 50 or 60 people over the journey would have stayed in my house, in my room when I was a teenager. Yeah. Like say one thaggy's down the coast a few hours away, right? But it was like a volleyball school. So there's a few girls in the state team and a few guys

in the state team. So it was like they had to come up to Melbourne for training and stuff and you can imagine two hours driving. Yeah, you want to stay in my room? No, but like we'd hang out and stuff. Oh, we've got training next day. Oh, you're going to make your parents come and pick you up when you're 16, drive you all the way home so then in the morning you're like,

oh, guys, just crash at mine, it's fine. And then, you know, later in the year when we're down in Montthaggy, like we'll crash at yours. And it was a really innocent, easy thing to do. And all of our friends would stay at everyone else's place. Totally. Jump in each other's beds. It's not a really big deal.

And then it's weird when I, because in hindsight, maybe it sort of seems a bit like is everyone sleeping around? But looking back, people are like, you just slept in each other's, these teenagers just sleeping in beds together? It freaks people out. It doesn't bother me because I'm like, oh, you're probably all having sex. And as a teenager, I did that too.

Like we were all like sleeping in each other's beds all the time and it was like it was just fine. It was so normal. But I think now as an adult I'm like, oh, but my bed is like when you're a kid, you fucking eat in your bed, you do your homework in your bed, like it just doesn't matter. But now as an adult I'm like, oh, my bed's actually the only place where I like don't work or like don't.

So you and I have got a trip next week. We're going to Sydney. Yeah. Are we in the same, we're not in the same bed? Well, I didn't even know where we were staying and then you said, oh, I've got all the info and I was like, did someone email that to you? You're like, yep, I don't have any information. Because I'm the organised one of the two of us.

Get fucked. Excuse me? Don't do that. No, you're not. Don't do what? You are not the organised one out of the two of us. Have I organised a place to stay in Sydney? Well, no.

Have I organised a way to get there? Somebody else was organising it. Who were they organising it? And the people that are organising it, they were organising it, and then you changed the plan and so you spoke to them, and that's fine but I didn't get any information and then actually I'd be I was very proud of myself when you're messaging me that I was like oh I haven't seen an email you're like yep I've got it

and I was like oh I want the information this is like internally I was like I really want the information then I was actually I don't need it do you want the information it sounds like you want I mean like I do want it but I was like, actually, I don't need it. Do you want the information? It sounds like you want the information. I mean, like I do want it. But I was like, you know what? I don't need to worry myself about that because it doesn't actually, like I don't really need to know it right now. It's true.

We'll get there and we'll figure it out. Tony will get there and figure it out and Dave now has two kids. No? I don't get it. Oh, he took the mattress and he's conceived two kids of his own. All right, let me call Dave's partner, Kimmy. They've had two kids probably on that bed. Oh, we need to settle this.

Hey, Ryan. Kimmy, it's Ryan. I'm here with Tony as well and we're on the podcast. Hi, Kimmy. Hi, Tony. How are you? Good, thanks. We've never met before.

This is the first time. Just a quick one. We were talking about the fact that Dave took my mum's mattress when we were like 15 when my mum got a new one. Are you guys still using that or have you got a new one since then? No, he upgraded in 2012. Oh, thank God for that. So you never would like have slept in that one?

I did sleep in, yeah. Ryan was conceived in there. Didn't know it was your mum. Yeah, when mum had finished with it after 20 years, Dave and Jim came and got it. Yeah, right. I did not know that. Well, you do now, so have a fun chat with Dave later.

See ya. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. Apologies to Kim who just found out. Yeah. That she slept in. That was live reaction. That was real life.

Shit. Sorry, Kim. Normal or nah? Eating kiwi fruit with the skin on. Oh, nah. I don't like people that do that. Danielle Johnston said, my son is zero waste. He eats kiwi fruit like an apple and just hoes in.

The whole thing. Yeah. But what about the really tough parts at the ends? You know how on a kiwi fruit there's like the, I guess, where it drops off the vine or whatever, and it's got that really tough part at the top? I just couldn't do it. It's like when people eat an entire apple, I'm like the seeds

and the core and stuff like where it gets a bit tough. Yeah, no way. It's not for me. Although I don't mind the kiwi. I don't know if this is a freaky weird thing, but the texture, the rough texture of the outside of the kiwi fruit, I for some reason like that. Do you eat an entire kiwi fruit when you eat it?

Well, we'd cut it into slices, but I'd still eat the skin and stuff. Sure. See, when I eat a kiwi fruit, I like slice it in the middle and then like eat. Scoop it out. Eat it out. Yeah. Sorry, don't talk about eat it out in your mum's mattress.

That's the episode title for today. Normal or nah? This is fucking funny. Normal or nah? Feeling like you have to offer people sweets, gum or a chip whenever you open a new packet. I'm going to say normal because I like the social kindness of being like, oh, did you want one?

But I would always politely say no. But you say yes. I'd say it is normal, but I'm with Claudia who sent this through. Yeah. Hi, Claudia. Claudia, society has created this weird fucking rule where it's now like I'm the rude one if I don't offer. I wanted it, so I bought it, so keep your freeloading hands

to your fucking self. I do get that. You open a bag of mints and you're like, yeah, do you want one? Yeah, I've got to offer you. If I don't, I'm an arsehole. Legally, I have to offer you one. I actually do get that. Or it's like if you're sitting down and eating and you're like,

say you and I went to a, we're at the pub, you'd already eaten. I order a chicken parmigiana. You don't get anything. You go, no, I already ate. And then I'm sitting there, but there's chips on the plate. So I go, oh, did you want a chip, mate? And you go, oh, yeah. Well, didn't you fucking already eat? Well, apparently you weren't get anything. You go, no, I already ate. And then I'm sitting there but there's chips on the plate. So I go, oh, did you want a chip, mate? And you go, oh, yeah. I'm like, well, didn't you fucking already eat?

Well, apparently you weren't fucking hungry. Yeah. For someone who wasn't hungry, you're hoeing into those chips. Don't you dare put in that sauce. Yeah, so I do get that actually. But I always offer. But if people offer to me, I generally would be like, no, I'm fine, thank you. Yeah, because you're too polite.

Yeah, because I'm like you're obviously, because I'm like, you're obviously offering because you feel like you have to. Because society's cruel. Yeah, not because you genuinely want me to have one of your chips or your mints or whatever. How many times in your life have you been offered something, said yes, and then that person fucking hates you for it? Oh, definitely that's happened.

Does that keep you up at night? Um... LAUGHTER I think you've already answered the question. Hey, it's Producer Cam with your throwback episode and you're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Last week I told a story about poop soup. The poo stew. So our toilet got blocked and I had to very embarrassingly go

into the Bunnings and buy a plunger. I got recognised by multiple people at the Bunnings, which is pretty embarrassing, and then like with the towel between my legs I had to kind of people at the Bunnings, which is pretty embarrassing. And then, like, with the towel between my legs, I had to kind of, like, hide the plunger on the way out of the store. And I just think we've joked about, like, are you mature enough to buy condoms or toilet paper? Yes, yep. I'm not.

I'm happy to say I still feel like an idiot and cringe. You just feel like... A plunger is, like, real next level. I was very vulnerable. Like in that moment, how vulnerable are you that you're, yeah. Completely. But thankfully a few people have come out of the woodwork and supported me and said, Tony, I'm part of the Poop Stew gang.

You're not alone, babe. You're not alone. And I wanted to share a couple because, fuck, they have sent me. Welcome. So Samantha Daku, she sent this through on Patreon. I work in a very small town, like 20 people in the town. That's not a town. That's a service station.

So it's a big farming area. Yeah, yeah. And they've got like a really small actual amount of people living on the main drag. I'm guessing there's one street. One street, yep. And she works in the hardware store in Saskatchewan. Hello to Saskatchewan. Hey.

Samantha. Welcome. Big dog. My best friend was renting the house across the back alley and she generously offered her house to me so I could eat lunch there and she worked out of town so the house was always empty during the day. One day, this is Samantha, I really had to poo so ran across to her house instead of going like in the shop because you imagine you're probably working with a few old blokes and you, I really had to poo, so ran across to her house instead of going, like, in the shop

because you imagine you're probably working with a few old blokes and you don't really want to, like, go in and do a poo while they're there. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's a bit awkward and old blokes in a hardware store. You can only imagine the state of the toilet in there. The state of that room. Yeah. Samantha says...

Someone burn a match. It was a really big poo, like a mega poo is what Samantha Rose says. Her words. Yeah. She didn't own a plunger, the friend. There's no plunger in the house. Luckily, our store had plungers in stock, so she runs back to the store. She's her own Bunnings.

Yeah. Grabs a plunger, fixes up the business, and is like, I'm just going to pay for this at the end of the day. Anyway, as she's walking out of the store to try and be sneaky, of course one of the guys called her out and said, hey, Sam, why do you have a plunger? Which alerted the rest of the staff, you know, the other three people that live in the town.

Oh, what's going on? To the plunger and she was so embarrassed and had to tell them that she'd blocked up the toilet at her friend's place across the road and they all had a good laugh. And then fast forward to Sam's wedding, all of the staff pitched in for a gift and they bought her a plunger. They didn't. At her wedding.

But not just any plunger. They bought like two plungers and like put a ribbon around them so it was like his and hers plungers for this wedding present. I don't know if that's beautiful and cute or, hey, keep the toilet humour off my wedding day. I mean. I love an inside joke. Yeah.

And I'm an open book, obviously. I talked about my poop soup on this fucking podcast. But imagine at the wedding then people go, oh, that's a funny personal joke. What happened? I mean, the other people at the wedding would probably all live in the town. There's probably only five of them there. She probably married the guy that owned the restaurant.

We got another story from Mason Falvey on Patreon. Shout out to Tony and Ryan for being there for me when I was stuck in an elevator for almost two hours today with a dog with IBS. Oh, my God. My worst nightmare. So the puppy was whining, really had to go in the morning, and he went, oh, I'm just going to go back to sleep for 30 minutes.

Surely he can hang on. 30 minutes passed by and goes, fuck, I've got to take this dog out. It's fucking going nuts. So jump in the lift. The lift goes and stops. And this dog looks up at the owner and is like, I don't know how I'm going to go here. They end up stuck in there.

The doors won't open. They're trapped with the dog and the guy. They're trapped alone. They're, like, calling people to try and be like, hey, I'm stuck in the elevator. I don't know what to do. The dog lets out this big fart. Poor guy.

Yeah, I know, poor puppy. Because the puppy is just like, I know I'm not allowed to go inside, to do, the dog lets out this big fart. Poor guy. Yeah, I know. Poor puppy. Because the puppy is just like, I know I'm not allowed to go inside, but I can't hold on to it. Nature is doing its thing. Exactly right. The dog does this fart and kind of looks, you know how dogs kind of do that,

like that eye up. That puppy dog look. That puppy dog look, exactly. Looking real sheepish. Kind of saying sorry, and the fart was just like acid smell. Lucky you weren't in an airtight box. Oh, hang on a second. You're stuck in a lift. Anyway, so they're fucking dying in there together.

The dog's like doing zoomies in the lift and the people are ringing. They're like, we're on our way, we're on our way. All of a sudden the dog's like, I can't fucking hold it anymore and goes to squat in the corner of the lift. Can you just imagine? Anyway, when all of a sudden the doors fucking fly open and the dog piss bolts out of the lift out into the courtyard and just like the poor dog.

Oh, what a hero. I know. That poor little thing. And I've got a picture of the puppy, little husky. Happy to be free again. Look at that big smile. Happy as lads. Wouldn't you have a big smile like that if you've just let out something

you've been holding in for a while? Oh, my God. And finally, a story from Andre. It happened when I was in year five. We were on our way back to school after a trip to the beach. We live in London, so it was a really long coach trip. So you know how they've got like those big buses with like the toilets down the back?

Andre's mum packed him a lovely big lunch full of junk food, so had been kind of like eating through the day and realised needed to go to the bathroom mid-journey. They weren't pulling over. They weren't stopping anywhere. So he goes, I've got to go to the toilet on the back of the coach. In the toilet there. Yeah. Walks towards the back of the coach where the toilet is, opened up the door

and the light didn't work, but needed to go so badly. Couldn't hold it anymore. So just went in there and was like, you know, I've done this before. Probably going to be okay. Once I take a seat, surely how far could it go? Exactly right. My insides were coming out of me. And while doing my business, the coach hit a speed bump or like a pothole or something and all of the, you know how like when you go into a playing toilet and they're quite shallow? Oh, no. It hit a bump and all of the poo came, like slid out of the toilet,

onto the floor and Andre's trousers. Even on the floor is bad enough. Oh, Andre. Andre. Oh, Andre. Andre. Oh, I'm sorry. I tried my best to clean it up, but it went everywhere and I ended up just smearing it in. This poor kid is just like moving shit around in the dark.

In the dark. Oh. Yeah. Fuck, Andre. Shit. Shit, yeah. I was in full panic because the whole coach would know that I'd shit on my trousers.

So I exited the toilet hoping that no one would notice, but it ended up stinking up the whole coach for the rest of the journey back to school. And kids are so cruel. He would not have lived that down the whole time he went to that school. Oh, my God. And he finishes off saying, not to sound like a knockoff Ryan John Dunn, but the whole experience was harrowing.

Thank you for sticking around with me, Producer Cam, for another throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. I hope you enjoy your weekend. As I said yesterday, lights at the end of the tunnel. The guys are back 24th of May. Just a couple more days with my face and then you'll get back to the guys and we can all get back to normal and I can get away from this microphone and I can climb into the covers because I'm so scared of being here. But we love to jump into it. You'll love to see it. Just to wrap up the end of the episode, this comes from Carly Holmes in our Tony and Ryan podcast. Facebook page, jump in there. It's a lot of fun and you'll absolutely love everyone in there. Carly says, an elderly lady with Parkinson's was eating an ice cream with her husband in a food court. I was there eating some lunch on my break. She sadly dropped her ice cream

due to her shaking getting worse whilst eating it. Moments later, a lady across the food court must have seen it because she came over and gave her a new ice cream. I'm going to start crying and get away from the weekend. I hope you enjoy your weekend. And we'll see you on Monday for a couple more episodes of Throwbacks for the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'm producer Cam. I love you very much. Enjoy your weekend. Bye.