Toni and Ryan - Tiny Little Sweet Baby Jesus

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

We've got TARP confessions (If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY HERE!) and something that probably should have been anonymous! Love ya xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Welcome to the day. I hope it's a wonderful one. Well, it is going to be a wonderful one. I don't think you know that today is a moment in history.

What? Can that lady over there with the trumpet, please play us a tune. We are calling the Netherlands. The little woot. The little Woot. The Little Woot. He's not going to be nice to us. And I know that for a fact. Hello.

The Little Woot. History has been made. It feels right. Good morning. Good morning. What time is it at the moment in the Netherlands? Half past 12. Oh,

midnight. Okay, that's when you do your best work, the little woot. Now, I've got a question. If you're on the phone with us, then who's trolling me at the moment? Yeah. I cannot say. He doesn't want to name the people that he's affiliated with.

Little Woot says, fun fact, I'm not the big Woot and I'm bilingual in three languages. And Tony would know about that. Yes, I would. Yeah, I have got the Duolingo app. Yep. And I understand what that must be like. But Little Woot, I know I've messaged many times,

but I'd just like to say in front of everyone during the approval, thanks for being an absolute legend in the community. We love you very much. We love you very much. And I love seeing your comments come in. Even when they're very anti-Ryan, I still feel a bit of pride. I feel pride because it's hard to be funny in a second language. Yeah, and I respect that.

Imagine being able to troll someone in a second language. Yeah, and I respect that. Imagine being able to troll someone in a different language. Well, thank you. I'm very honoured. Wow. I feel very honoured. Yeah. You should. We do too.

Yeah. I can only imagine how the Germans feel getting trolled by Tony because wasn't that your main language on Duolingo? Yes, that was my main language. Yeah, look out. Look out, get in touch. Yeah. Little Woot, will you approve today's episode? Well,

Tony just spoke German, so, well, maybe. Now, of course. Yeah, because I was sharing my language, not because I, you know what I mean. I know what you mean. I will forgive you. Little Woot, oh my god. A little woot. Oh my God.

Zootalore. That's French. Hey, it's the little woot from the Netherlands and I approve this podcast. Please enjoy this episode of Tony and Ryan because it could be our last. I think it might be. Either the roof is about to fall down or a seagull has entered the building.

Do you reckon it's the same one that was at Seagull's house? Which one of the four? Great point. I'm so sorry. But there's definitely some, is there an opossum on the roof? There's a hive of activity currently. If anyone can hear footsteps mid-episode

and we stop talking the rodents have got us. The rodents. Splinter. Spooky. Speaking of spooky, let's do confessions. These are the confessions. These are tough confessions. TonyandRyan.com.au.

There's a little confessions tab. You can submit confessions, normal or nars. They're annoyingly anonymous. We can't get back to you, so don't go. If you've got any questions, follow up. Now, we got stuck yesterday on an appealing, peeling penis. And then you said maybe it's appealing, appealing penis. Let me read the confession.

A boy who treated me bad ended up with a peeling penis, which would be an unappealing penis if it was peeling. Probably. I would presume. Presume. peeling penis if it was peeling. Probably. I would presume. Presume. I met him on an app and pretty sure he only came over to rail me so he could use my bath afterwards. What?

His apartment didn't have a bath and mine didn't. He just loved having a bath. I do love having a bath. So, like, not that I would do that, but I understand. Do you know what I mean? Like, I get it. So one night, like usual, we finished up and he runs the bath. So he's just got this little, that's his payment.

He's like, yeah, oh, fuck yeah, but I'm going to run myself a bath. Yeah. Not a bad deal. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you were. I feel like a bath. Can I be bothered railing this person? Yeah. Yeah, I can. I guess I Like if you were. I feel like a bath. Can I be bothered railing this person?

Yeah. Yeah, I can. I guess I can, you know. I have a bath afterwards. I went to ask him a question and all I can see, when he was in the bath, and like, you know, they're hooking up. They're obviously like getting along. Chant a bit and yeah.

I went to ask him a question and all I could see was his now flaccid penis bobbing up and down. Like, you know, when you're, like, laying on your back and it's just kind of, like, floating there. Well, I don't know that because I don't have a penis personally. And Torbs is not a bath-er? Well, no, I've never seen him in the bath before. Is that what happens?

It can. So what happens to you? Bobs up. Well, it just depends on the height of the water and the way you're sitting and stuff. How do you get anything done? That sounds like fun. Honestly.

Well, you're in a bath. It's not like you're doing your taxes, you know. Oh, God, doesn't that sound awful? Yeah. Way to ruin an awesome thing. You're in the bath and then your accountant calls and goes, hello, actually. Did you claim the JST on that?

Yeah. Fuck. We were messing then your accountant calls and goes, hello, actually. Did you claim the JST on that? Yeah. Fuck. We were messing about, joking back and forth, and I thought it would be funny to pour cold water on the flaccid penis. Now, I'm not rich. Oh, no. I don't like pranks. That's prank vibes.

I'm not rich like Tony, so I don't have one of those twisty all-in-one taps. It's like the hot and the cold and the middle sprout. I actually do have one of those twisty all-in-one taps. It's like the hot and the cold and the middle sprout. I actually do have one of those twisty taps and, yeah, it is nice. Our confessor has something to say. I got the wrong tap. Scald the penis. I turned the hot on full blast

Sending the hot water straight onto his bobbling junk And the water was so hot that his cock and balls instantly started blistering up Like a scorched marshmallow over a campfire You would just feel so bad He was a bit of a jerk And maybe this was just the universe doing its thing. I felt really awful at the time, but yeah, looking back, it's just the universe trying to get me out of a bad situation. He was a bit of a fuckhead. I don't think that you have to burn

someone though. Like I don't, I don't think that that's necessary. If a girl didn't like me that I was dating and they said, I don't think we're right for each other. Yeah. Or she was like, I'm going to burn your dick to a blisters. I'd probably cop the first one. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

If I had to choose. Because that's short-term pain. A blistering cock, though, long-term, isn't it? You've got to deal with that for a while. A blistering cock, though, long term, isn't it? You've got to deal with that for a while. Fuck, that is just, you would feel awful. Like, you would feel so bad, especially if you were just mucking around and you're like, shit, I'm so sorry.

How good of an effort, like how much of an effort did you have to put into the sex before the bath? Oh. Like, do you go in and give it your best? I feel like. Is that the least you can do? Yeah, I think it is the least you can do. But also, like, if you're proud of yourself,

you would want to do your best anyway. Put your best foot forward. Yeah. But, I mean, if this person was a fuckhead, then maybe they weren't. That's coming over, throwing it in, finishing up and fucking off. Yeah, maybe she didn't even get to come. Yeah. Maybe she should have burned his penis. Yeah, maybe she didn't even get to come. Yeah. Maybe she should have burned his penis.

Yeah. So I changed my whole thing. Next confession is titled, Tiny Little Sweet Baby Jesus. My parents know lots of people from church and all the families used to have the other families over for dinner. How lovely. It's quite sweet. You come over for dinner next weekend, oh, we're going to bloody old mates,

you know, just the little neighbourhood. I feel like they do that on The Simpsons a bit. Yeah, little dinner parties. When I was six or seven, every time I went with my parents to other people's houses, I would always steal their tiny, sweet little baby Jesus. Abduction. I thought they were like a cute little baby for my Barbie.

So like they'd have like a nativity set and she'd be like, oh, little Jesus, and then get home and like put the thing. Is that the ultimate sin? Stealing a Jesus? I think that doesn't get much worse than that. And I know someone with a blistered dick. Have you ever burned your penis? Because that would just have to be the worst pain, eh?

No, I don't think I've burned. I don't know what you'd be doing to burn it. Well, you're in the bath. You hit the wrong thing. Oh, yeah. You, like, pour a cup of tea on yourself or something. I don't know. Don't use lube.

Road rash. Sorry. I'm really embarrassed. A few months had gone by. Anyway, back to the Jesus. A few months had gone by and people around the neighbourhood are starting to go, I think I've lost my sweet, tiny little baby Jesus.

And someone else goes, I'm also missing my sweet, little tiny baby Jesus. And it becomes a bit of a thing. Did you hear about old man's loss? I've also lost my sweet, tiny baby Jesus. It's a miracle. Then one day, mum came into my room, opened up a tiny little purse and found out that I had 15 tiny, sweet, little baby Jesuses.

Doesn't this feel like the opening scene of a horror film and it turns out she murdered 75 people? It's really... Just the visual of opening the little purse with all the little packages in it is so funny. So funny. Also, 15 baby Jesuses. Yeah.

That is so many dinner parties. Well, like I said, the people from the church are getting – all the families were close and tight and whatever. I'd love to go to that many dinner parties. Doesn't that sound fun? You'd have to go to the church though. And you lose your baby Jesus. Yeah. Is it worth it?

Sorry, beautiful little tiny baby Jesus. I'm sure you could buy another tiny sweet little baby Jesus. Yeah. For the price of a dinner party, I think that's pretty good. I actually agree. I think that the fee, and she goes, well, if you want me to attend, that's my talent fee. Yeah.

My rider is a tiny, small little baby Jesus. I don't know why I took so many. It's the thrill. God, once you pop, you can't stop. I'm about to say something that I might regret. Actually, I don't think I can. Say it. Say it.

I understand the thrill of stealing something. Ryan. Yeah. Why? What's your experience? I stole something the other day. What did you steal? And I fucking fell to a lie.

What did you steal? Even the thought of it now is bringing me back. What did you steal? And where was it from? It was from a big corporate chain. Conglomerate. From a big conglomerate. Does that make you feel better that it was a big corporate chain. Conglomerate? From a big conglomerate. Does that make you feel better that it was a big chain?

That's bringing prices up for everyone else, just so you know. I'm not proud of it, but I'm just saying I understand. Hey, I'm being vulnerable. Okay. What did you steal? I purchased two bags of firewood. Okay. So I can guess what conglomerate itwood. Okay. So I can guess what conglomerate it was.

Yeah. From a service station. You know, that little things of wood on the side. Yeah. Because sometimes we like top up because we get a big load from like it. Yeah, little Johnny's firewood. I don't think that's a big conglomerate, I think. So we get our like main big stock of firewood for the winter,

but sometimes like, oh, we just need a bit of kindling. And the service station usually has a little bag. The little bits, yeah. Yeah, a little bit. And – Paid for two bags. Guess we came home with three. Three bags.

Because they just give you the key. It's an honor system though, isn't it? And I'm not honorable. But I kind of like – I actually did it, to be honest. What do you call it? Like – You're just grabbing it. Yeah, chucked him in the back.

Yeah. And then I got home and I opened the boot and there was three in the thing and I went, oh. So here's the question I was faced with and here's the question the parents of the sweet little sweet baby Jesus dealer was faced with. The theft, yeah. Do you take it back or is that even more weird? Because I kind of went like, now that I've stolen it,

like the person at the servo doesn't give a fuck or know or care. Is this just like just keep the wood? And does the parent go, the whole neighborhood's been talking about the tiny, sweet little baby Jesus. Do I confess? What would you want Mabel to do? As a father, proud father, what would you want your daughter to do? If she'd stolen the firewood, what would, like,

what would you want her to do? I'd want her to stay warm all winter. And tip 15 tiny, sweet baby Jesuses into the fire with the wood and burn the evidence down. What I was going to say about sweet tiny. Actually, surely that's sacrilege. Yeah, that fucking setting you're right downstairs. Yeah.

I think though like if it was one tiny baby Jesus and they go, oh, I'm so sorry, little Caroline's taken this by mistake for a little baby for her Barbie, 15. Yeah. They will think that that child is the Antichrist. And it probably is. Yes. They're right in thinking that.

That's where they actually got the idea for the movie The Exorcist. Hi, it's Aleda Wood from the Netherlands, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Josh Brown. Good on you, Josh. Thanks, Joshy.

Caitlin Sandoval, Iona Wilson and Emma Farqua. Thanks, Em. Emma Farqua. Hardly know her. I sure am. I feel like

we did talk about it yesterday, but big announcement coming next Monday. Bit of fun on the way. We're really excited about it. You'll all be very excited about it. And there might be a few people that we've mentioned on this pod that'll get to enjoy that, if you know what I'm saying. I'm just looking through the list here. Ashyade oh we know potash from perth screaming crying

throwing up she's always doing that that's her default yeah lots of people saying tours a lot more strap on chat yeah a lot of strap on chat and i feel like that's fair enough we've led them to that jessica said you're finally coming to Canberra. I'd love to. I wish that was the announcement. Well, it might be. Ooh, stay tuned. Well, fuck me.

If it isn't that time of year again, I had to go get my fucking car serviced yesterday. Don't you hate that? Don't you hate that? Don't you hate that? It sucks. Can you come and bring it in at the least convenient time possible and the hardest to get to place in the middle of peak hour traffic? That'd be great, thank you.

And then you pay us. Yeah. You let us fucking rob you at the end of the day. Actually, what you've described is exactly what they do. And then you go there and you're fucking sitting there for ages. You're trying to figure it out anyway. But, like, I feel like every time I've got to take my car in, there's just, like, something.

There's just something. There's always something. And because you're going in there and it's, like, a heightened thing because it's, like, you know it's going to be expensive and you're trying to, like. I also think, like, like as a girl I worry sometimes that like I'm going to get taken for a ride. You're going to get pretty womaned.

That doesn't happen in that film. Oh, but as in like they look you up and down and don't take you seriously. Yeah, or that like they're going to go, oh, well the flux capacitor needs replacing and I go, okay, but my car doesn't have that. I don't have a DeLorean. Do you know what I mean?

The thing is that I don't know anything more about cars than you do, but you're probably right because they could take me for a fucking ride. A hundred percent. Because I don't know fucking anything about cars. But the people are like, so I think that I go in there and I already feel like a little bit nervous. I don't think I'm rude or defensive or anything, but I think I feel a bit nervous about like whether they're going

to just tell me a bunch of shit and I'm just going to eat it up because I don't know any better. Yeah. But anyway, I had to take my car to get like just a routine service and it was at the Audi in Doncaster. Yeah. It's not far from where one of our producers, James, lives. Yeah.

And so I had to drop my car at at like 7.30 a.m. And I'm like, oh, would it be okay if one of you guys came pick me up? And James goes, absolutely. Like, I'll come and grab you in the morning. No problems at all. It's right around the corner from my house. So he picks me up. I'm like, we go and get coffee and then we come into the office

and I'm like, great, we can fucking, we're all good. And you guys are coming in to meet us. And then I knew that I'd need to at some point in the day. They closed up. They were like, we shut at five. So we'll text you when your car's ready. But, like, you have to come before five. Yep.

And I said, like, I'll have to head off at some point and grab my car. And Ryan goes, oh, my God, mate, I'll drop you off to pick your car up. And I go, oh, you don't have to do that. That's not what you said. I'm defensive now. And I go, oh, you don't have to do that. And you go, yeah, yeah, mate, I'll fucking drop you off. And I go, oh, that would be great actually, like awesome.

I get the text that my car's ready at like 2 o'clock and we're still like 2pm we're still working and I'm like cool I just um oh my car's done and we're all like oh awesome and I'm like so I've just got to go before five and I'm like it's about half an hour away so I wouldn't want to get there any later than like 4.30 in case when I get there I've got to do a bunch of shit or whatever. It gets closer and closer. You've skipped some crucial steps, but that's okay. What are the crucial steps?

I'd love to fucking hear them about how I couldn't probably fit in your car because you had all the stolen goods in there. That's one of them. What's in there? That's one of them. Oh, no, I'd love to hear it, mate. Fucking let me have it. I just want to add a tidbit.

Yeah, please. Is that when you said that at 2 o'clock, I was like, all right, let's go. And you went, oh, no, you've got more work to do. You don't have to rush now. We won't go now. We'll wait till you're done. Like you probably didn't expect it to be as long as I was because when they close at five, I shouldn't tell you at, say, 427 that probably you should get an Uber.

That's probably not what I should do. Yeah. Wow. After foreshadowing. However, I was ready to go straight away and you're like, no, it's fine. It's fine. Because I was also in the, so I was like, oh, I'm happy. Because you didn't want to put me out.

It wasn't even really about that, but I was like, well, I'm not going to go get my car and then come back here to Tarp Tower. Yeah. So I believe that someone, some stage between 2 o'clock and 4.27 probably should have made a decision. Probably. No, because then I said. Probably the guy that said I'll do it.

But, I mean, who's pointing fingers? And no empty offers. No empty offers. So when you said I can take you and I went that would be awesome, genuinely I was like that would be awesome because then, like, how easy you can take me. We get to hang out in the car. How fun. I don't like it here. Anyway. Do you reckon stealing wood could be a full-time job? I'm just looking for career alternatives at this point because I don't like how I behaved

and I'm embarrassed. Well, that's okay because it gets closer and closer to the time that I've got to leave. And I'm kind of like, I was getting antsy because I was like I need to leave because it was Friday as well. So if I'd fucking left my car there, I wouldn't have been up to go and get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and so I'm fucking, I'm getting a bit antsy and I'm like I need to leave and get the car and Ryan's like, oh, yeah, five more minutes,

five more minutes, Five more minutes. Five more minutes. Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Sophie was here. Don't drag Sophie into this. Don't drag Sophie into this.

Anyway, and I'm like, do you want me to just go get an Uber? Great idea. And you were like, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that. I said, yep, all good. Great idea. I said, do you want me to just. Reverse edge offer.

Don't offer to get an Uber and then not take one. I was like, do you want me to get an uber you're like no no i'll take you and i went okay and then like another 10 minutes passes and you go and i was like are you sure you don't just want me to get an uber and then you're like actually that would be good like i'm not ready to leave and i was like great would have been great to know that a bit earlier that's okay i'll just get an Uber. But basically when we decided this was like the second I needed to leave. Yeah. You were like.

We could have decided and by we. I put my hand up. I could have been like, you know what? It's 3.30. Yeah. I'm probably not going to be ready or I just can't be fucked, which is also fine. But you went, oh, maybe have a look and see if there's any cars around was how you like

subtly oh because if you because okay here not so much but where i live sometimes you go on uber and there's just no there's no cars and i was like well i'm not gonna leave you stranded of course but yeah if there is now an option for me to not me to not have to do that maybe i'll take that up and can i just when you left I did kind of have a breath and went, I should have done that. Nah, fuck it. I should have taken it. Yeah.

Or just. I appreciate that. I should have said that a while ago. And it's actually, like, getting the Uber wasn't, it was more just that I was like, you knew I needed. I would have left an hour ago. Yeah. But anyway, like, that's all fine.

So I end up, like, quickly order an uber and one's like three minutes away and i'm like great so i grab my stuff and i walk out to the car i get in the car and i've actually had a great day so i'm in a pretty good mood and i'm like fuck now i've got to get to this place but it's friday afternoon like who cares yep I get in the back passenger side and the guy looks into his rearview mirror. Like, you know when you kind of are chatting to someone in the front seat and they, like, make eye contact with you, like, in the rearview mirror?

Yep. Like, that's how you can, like, actually talk to them so you're not talking to the back of their head. He looks into his rearview mirror and looks at me and goes, podcaster. Oh. And I went, oh, yeah, yep. And I'm like in a pretty good mood.

Yeah, I am a podcaster. A little pump up for Friday? Yeah, like, oh, fuck, you know what? Like this was the right choice. And he goes, oh, what's the best way to get there? And I went. Oh, no. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

And I went, oh, you know what? And I'm like, I'm in a pretty good mood. And I'm like, you know what? Like, yep, cool. This will make the fucking, the car ride go fast. We'll chat about work. That's fine. And I go, oh, you know, well, like, when Ryan and I started,

like we started with two episodes a week and like. And what did he ask? He goes, podcaster. And he goes like, how did you get there? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I feel like me and the Uber guy are on the same.

Yep. So I start giving him this spiel about like how I became a podcaster and I realised like we haven't left yet, we're not moving. And then he goes, so should I just follow the GPS? And in that moment I realised that he didn't say podcaster, he said Doncaster. podcaster, he said, Doncaster?

Did the term, how did you get there? Well, I'm like on podcasting. And he's got a GPS. Why would he ask me how to get there? He's got the information. First of all, Uber driver, you've got a fucking GPS attached to the thing. Fucking figure it out. I'm like, well, you know. I'm paying you for that. But then also like a lot of the time how far into the story did you go well

i literally i it was probably like a 45 second spiel of like oh you know we started doing this and the videos and whatever like how long do you reckon that 45 seconds felt like to that guy well he was looking at me and i thought he was a fan of the pod because that's what i thought he'd said and so and then i met ryan and then we moved into this space so i think high street would be the best way but because he's like said that i thought that he was like overwhelmed that i was in his car because of the way that he went oh turn it come on mate but when people meet us they're like like, oh, like, how did you get into it?

Or like, I've gotten into Ubers before where they go, oh, I've seen your TikToks. Like, how do you come up with the ideas? Like, that happens a lot. Like, that happens to you. That's happened to us together. Not enough for me to answer an Uber driver like that. How on earth?

Obviously, I misheard him and he said don caster not podcaster but i'm like when he said well how did you get there or like how how did you get there or whatever i'm like well you're not asking me about the road because you've got a you have the address i'm going to that's how uber works oh he's like don caster surprised you're heading back to that neck of the woods considering the rev up you gave the local shopping centre and their parking situation. It's not at the shopping centre, so it's okay. Yep.

But I'm like, and then I'm like, oh, yeah, like obviously just follow the GPS and then I'm like, he did not say the word podcaster. He said the word Don Caster. Yeah. And that's fair. That's keep staying on topic and so how chatty were you for the rest of the trip oh he was talking to me about electric cars the rest of the way which is nice because then i was like oh yeah just follow the gps and then

he like zooms out and he goes oh at the audi are you picking up a car and i was like oh mine's in reserve as he goes oh electric cars and that's like then we end up talking about that for ages um but anyway um in future i might go sorry and just double chair yeah but it just they sound exactly the same yeah yep yeah but so you did that to me and i apologize uh that was definitely my fault i take it all back i feel awful um this would never have happened if i spoke up earlier or just drive you like the supposedly good friend i'm supposed to fucking be and you know what i'm sorry for all of that i'm sorry for him and i'm sorry for you this guy who got the spiel of how to be a podcaster basically did a youtube tutorial in the back of his fucking car but yeah so do you remember that u Uber driver that was trying to start up a.

In the US. Yeah. Yeah, and he had the like meditation channel on YouTube. Yeah. And so we're in his Uber. And that is basically how that conversation went. Yeah. He goes, oh, you guys do a podcast.

I'm doing some YouTube stuff as well. Do you want to check it out? And the thing about having a meditation channel is you can't just like check it out for five seconds. Yeah. If someone has a comedy video. The videos go for 40 minutes. Do you guys want to check it out? I'm like, yeah, sure. And he goes, then he presses play and he goes, hmm. Welcome. Welcome. Reflex paper. And we're like, sounds great. And he's like, thanks guys. But we just, and he wasn't really that chatty. So there wasn't really anywhere to go.

Yeah. But anyway, yeah, so mind your podcasts and your doncasts because they're not the same word. No. Yeah. And people don't give a fuck about your job. No, not really. Because then later on he's like, so what do you do?

And I went, well, I told you. I already told you. You really didn't hear. Yeah, you already know. I've got to love to see it here and thanks to schmosh smodges for sending this into the group beautiful i don't know if you've seen it in the facebook group tony because people have seen it and are just fucking pissing oh amazing um let me just send you the picture oh okay text yep someone just said i was fighting for my life

and there's a picture of the toilet mat in front of the toilet there. What can you see? So the bath mat in front of the toilet has like the feet marks from where someone's been sitting but then like handprints right in front. That's very flexible. They're very close together. Sometimes when they're just the organs are creaking and just squeezing.

You've got to get in the right spot. You've just got to make it work and just hold on to something and grip. Yeah, fucking. Yeah. And get ready. But I think the awareness. It says so much with so little, doesn't it? They say a picture has a thousand words.

And that's a thousand shits, I reckon. A white bath mat is bold too, eh? Do you know what I mean? A white towel anywhere is bold, let alone in the bathroom. That's what I mean, yeah. I do like the awareness that she's finished, turned around, seen the handprints and gone, I will document this. I've gone.

I was fighting for my life. That's going to impress people on Reddit. I was fighting for my life and I don't doubt that. That doesn't look like an easy afternoon. No, it doesn't. It does not. It looks like a tough afternoon. It looks like a few things have gone on there.

Yeah. I've got to sweeten us up a little bit. Please. I'd love to see it here from Em, who sent this to us and said, guys, look what just happened. Turns out I have a long-lost sister, or rather I am a long-lost sister. No one considers that. Yeah, maybe I'm the sister.

And Em says it's like a Hallmark movie and life is so weird. And she sent a screenshot of the message that says, Hi, Emily, so nice to meet you. I found out a couple of months ago that I am Blah's biological daughter. I don't know him and didn't know he even existed until now, so I guess we're half sisters. Like, do you know this person? Like, have you met him? Do you have a relationship with him and didn't know he even existed until now. So I guess we're half sisters. Like, do you know this person? Like, have you met him?

Do you have a relationship with him and stuff? And they're starting this like conversation. But I was like, you love to see that because obviously you've shared your adoption story. And that's all on YouTube, by the way. A few people have asked recently, actually, I've seen a few messages come through of like, oh, will Ryan ever share his adoption story? It's all's all there it's all documented there I got some bad news about that about biological family don't share some tough news uh yeah um my half brother Cole is sort of dating this Australian girl yeah and so like I'm not like the Australian anymore

because there's two of us. And so she's lovely. It's great to see Cole happy, but I don't like it. Because I liked being the wild card. Yeah. And now there's two of us. No one gives a fuck. Yeah, you're just like, oh, that old country. Sorry.

Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm really sorry about that. Thank you. What can I do? You can take her out. Woo! What can I do to make you feel a bit more special?

I actually haven't met her, but she is. But you obviously need to feel a bit more special. How can we do that for you? Do you want me to get you an affogato? We get Janine down here. Code A. Code A. Code A.

We need the affogato. But no, there's another Australian in the family, which is quite disappointing. That might be your family because you're adopted. Wait, no, because then Cole would be. Cole's my brother. Cole would be related to her as well. Yeah.

Scratch that. Does she know her parents? But like how well? But I met Cole. Does that mean I'm related to him? Do you meet Cole? Because I'm Australian. It's not about being Australian.

It's about, yes, yes, yes. Sorry, I was like, am I related to him? I'm Australian. But no, you're related to him. Sorry. Whoa. When have you met Cole? Did I meet him in America? Of course, we went to the basketball together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you think you're the only Australian in the room. You see what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Maybe he met you and got a taste for the Australian ladies. Don't say taste. Isn't that right? Yeah.

Yeah, woo. Anyway. We had a great night together. Yeah. And I met your whole family. Because I went and hung out with Cole a week later after you went to Hawaii, and so I forgot that there was that little crossover. Yeah.

Yeah, no. And I met your whole family in New York. Oh, yeah. Fucking shut Yeah. Yeah, no. And I met your whole family in New York. Oh, yeah. Fucking shut the fuck up, Ryan. Am I related to them because I'm Australian? Is that how that works? When we get married, you will be, yeah. Is this it?

Tony, if I proposed before Torbz does, do I just, like, win you? Is that how it works? Oh, win me? Oh, fight. You know what? That is so sweet. You want to win me? I will fight the You know what? That is so sweet. You want to win me? I will fight the dragon and climb the tower for Tony Lodge.

That looks really sweet. I will slay a dragon if it means I can slay that puss afterwards. Is that why you married a Kiwi? Because you want to be the only Australian? Yes. Interesting. It's all coming undone. That's really fucking sweet that you would use win in relation to me.

Do you feel like you're a trophy to be won? Not until now. Now I feel like that. Yeah. Who do you reckon would slay a dragon better, me or Torbs? Torbs is taller. He's got you on height and probably strength as well. And dick length.

Yeah. So is sword. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. All right, bye. We're going. We'll be back tomorrow. Tell it, motherfucker.

Tomorrow on the show, a word of warning and also the pinnacle of comedy in the same story. Well, howdy-do. And I think thisacle of comedy in the same story. Oh, well, howdy do. And I think this type of. I'm not going to start saying that. I just wanted to let everyone know. I think it's because you're related to my American family. It's the American side of me.

We went to Texas. I didn't. Yes, I did. Yes, you did. And it's all just kind of clicking. Yeah, it's all coming together. What did you say again? Howdy-do.

My sister once in 1997 said wacky-do about something exciting. She goes, oh, wacky-do. And now it doesn't matter what the situation she is. She goes, oh, that looks good. I go, oh, wacky-do. It was like 30 years ago. And she still gets shit for it. It's the best.

Yeah, and deservedly so. Yeah, I mean, who says wacky do? Sophie says it sometimes. Does she? She does. She says wackadoo. She goes, oh, wackadoo. She said that out loud.

Really? Yeah. It's been a tough few weeks for you so far. You're a dumped slut. Yeah, fuck. All right, we're back tomorrow. Do you reckon that's why he dumped her? You said whackadoos, is that what happened?

One too many times. All right, what would you rather? Have fish as hands or every time your partner came, they said whackadoo? Oh, fish as hands? Yeah. So it's just two human fish? Human fish.

Like two life- Two Australian fish. But they're like mitts. But are they like salmons, like huge? They're big enough so you can like grab stuff. All right, all right, all right. I think I'd rather the cumming and the wackadoo because that's pretty funny.

Imagine after like the once time, you'd be like, well, I'm over that. But imagine you're trying to jerk someone off and you got fish for hands. Is that bestiality? No, but they wouldn't say wackadoo because surely you couldn't fish them. Yeah, fish them. How's that on the scale? The scale would do damage. Do some damage.

Dare I say, make it appealing. I'm going home. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Love you, bye. Love you, bye, bye.