Toni and Ryan - To Fly Kick Or Not To Fly Kick

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

I'm telling you right now - the answer is NOT. Love you!!!! SO MUCH!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. We are about to call Germany and Jen Frick, who is in fact not... Jen Fricker, the comedian, who I was like, oh my god, Jen Fricker. But I'm still excited about Jen Frick. This is the good Jen Frick. Frick, yeah. Fuck yeah. Sorry. Obviously, the joke that I... I freaked it up. Freaked it up!

I'm also nervous it's like 4am in Germany. Yeah, it's early in the morning. Hello? Hello, Jen? Hi, is this Tony? It is. It's Tony on try and hello. Yeah, and we're really scared we've called you at a really annoying hour in Germany.

What time is it at the moment? It's almost 3 a.m. Oh, dry a.m. Oh, I'm so sorry. We're wondering, is it possible for you to approve the podcast? Yes, I would love to. Great, excellent. Oh, danke.

Autobahn bratwurst Oktoberfest. Autobahn. Hi, it's Jen from Germany and I approve this... Oh, I'm sorry, guys. That's all right. That's all right. Hi, I'm Jen from Germany and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, another update for the live stream,

which is this Friday. It begins at 9 a.m., minimum of 50 hours. We're getting close. To 70 hours? Oh, to what's happening. I think it's like we're getting close to it being on. I was like, hey, mate, I hate to break it to you. I mean like literally close to it happening. Yeah think it's like, we're getting close to it being on. I was like, hey, mate, I hate to break it to you. I mean,

like, literally close to it happening. Have you, what are you being, like, do you feel like you're sleeping more, sleeping less?

Like, what are you, what's the? Well, I do have a eight, nine week old baby. Yeah. And I also have a uni assignment

and exam this week. Oh. So, and I just didn't plan it well at all because I thought it, like, the class finished Sunday just gone.

So you're like, oh, that'll be fine. And then it's like, cool, so here's the assignment. Do you need help with your assignment? I could help you. You want to help? Yeah, I'll help you. Yeah, great. Okay.

What do you need help with? It's brand management. When's it due? Well, here's the thing. It's due Sunday night. We could do it on the live stream. Could we? And all the people in my group assignment?

Yeah. We'll get them to come over? Tell them to. They have to sign up to the Patreon. So go, yeah, we could take $35 each. They're MBA students. They're good for it. Oh, yeah.

And then just tell them that they can add it to their HECS loan. They'll add it to their student loan or something. Pop that on. Tax deduction. Needed it for the assignment. We could work on your assignment on the live stream. Okay. Mate, we've got like 56 fucking hours of shit to talk. Pop that on. Tax deduction. Needed it for the assignment. We could work on your assignment on the live stream. Okay.

Mate, we've got like 56 fucking hours of shit to talk. We've got to fill, fill, fill. Yep. Okay. A confession from our podcast list. Podcast listener? I just want to make really sure that I'm not saying that I did this. Okay.

I see what you mean. We've received a confession. Someone who listens to our show has anonymously sent this in. Thank you. Here's their confession. So you do need me. I fly kicked the toddler and it was morally correct. I was babysitting a one-year-old and a four-year-old.

Okay. So not their children? Nope. Someone else's child. Does that make it better or worse? Probably worse. Yeah. Well, you can't kick your own kids.

Just in case you were thinking that because you've got a baby now, I just want to make sure that that line is very clear. You can't kick your own kid, but if you're just kicking other people's kids, that's crazy town. Both are pretty crazy town. I like when you just say crazy town. The mother says, make sure the one-year-old

doesn't take its first steps without us. She's getting pretty close. As soon as the parents left, the one-year-old looked me dead in the eye, stood up and started walking towards me. I could hear the four-year-old, the little pitter-patter of feet in the next room and it was about to come into this room. And people who have four-year-olds know, there'sitter-patter of feet in the next room, and it was about to come into this room. And people who have four-year-olds know there's no don't tell. There's no secrets. They're fucking narcs. They're snitches.

The second you say don't tell, the words come out. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So the babysitter goes, if the toddler sees the kid walking, it's over. Because the four-year-old's going to go, Mum, you won't believe what Genevieve did. So just as the four-year-old's going to go, Mum, you won't believe what Genevieve did. So just as the four-year-old's walking into the room,

she fly-kicks the one-year-old off his feet, onto his back. The baby starts crying. She feels horrible. Nails him. Sorry, I'm doing fly-kicks in the studio. I'm all revved up. I didn't want the parents to find out they'd missed the first steps.

Well, that kid's never going to walk again. It's traumatised. It's like, well, when I walk, I get kicked in the face. I got a text message the next day from the mother. He just took his first steps. It was so beautiful. Good. And she replied, that's amazing.

I'm so happy for you. Glad you didn't miss it. They'll never know in fact That I did see his first steps The day before I think we can all agree That fly kicking kids in the head Was the right thing to do

Am I alone in this? I feel like Oh hang on Let me rephrase If there was ever A time where fly kicking was okay This would probably be the one I get wanting to be like Oh no Let me rephrase. If there was ever a time where fly kicking was okay, this would probably be the one.

I get wanting to be like, oh, no, like, that's their moment. Yeah. I get that. But you can't be kicking babies. Apparently you can. No, I'm telling you. Oh, okay. Sorry, my mistake. All right.

Believe it or not, this confession is the worst one of today's show. Oh, my Atlanta. I'm a Scottishottish police woman and i've been stuck with the most embarrassing nickname for nine years after a workplace incident sorry cam's pissed himself because i reckon he read this on the inbox we raided a brothel and i had to fully search some of the women and because she's a female police like you know you get females when i asked one woman the question we have to ask anyone, you know, is there anything that might hurt me in your pocket?

You know how they kind of ask that question? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything that might hurt me? She was a bit sheepish, which should have been a clue. And she said, well, no, but it might bite. A little alligator? I asked her to bend over, spread her legs and cough and bang! A dead rodent flew across the cell and at speed I didn't even know was possible.

Sorry, have you just kinked your neck? Yeah. That's okay. What? Are you okay? Yeah. Do we need to call you an ambulance? No.

Ambulance. Ambulance. Health truck. Sorry, Tony's kinked her neck at the thought of a dead rodent flying across a jail cell. I just can't believe what just happened. Sorry, I've got me weight bag on. What the fuck? So she, hang on.

So she said, turn your head and cough. The rat flew out. Straight into the wall. What name do you give someone after that? Well, here's a clue. The lady yelled out, oh, Nibbles, no. Turned out Nibbles was the name of the gerbil that a client liked to include in the service. I thought the worst part was picking up the dead rodent

and putting it in a bag. But the worst part is my colleagues calling me nibbles for the last nine years. If you're watching this video, tag someone with a fuck nickname, include that nickname, and in the comments, we'll all try to figure out how they got it no context

yes oh my god and nicknames like that they stick eh nine years oh my god could you imagine and she walks out

and goes oh a bit of a rough day and someone goes oh it's not that bad is it nibbles and everyone goes and everyone goes fuck that's gonna stick just like nibbles did to the wall um wouldn't Not that bad, is it, Nibbles? And everyone goes, fuck, that's going to stick.

Just like Nibbles did to the wall. Wouldn't having a gerbil in your bum really hurt? I don't know if it was the butt or the... Well, anywhere. The bum or the fanny. Yeah, probably. I don't think it matters where the gerbil is in your body. You're right. That would be really painful, wouldn't it?

The first word to mind wasn't pain, but more just extremely uncomfortable and awkward. Like, yeah. And also, yeah. Yep. But she offered a special service that was paying and they, like I said, raided a brothel. And that's fine. I'm not yacking anyone's yum. Just thinking it would be quite hard to have a serious conversation with a police officer.

With a gerbil in your side. While you had a gerbil in your person. Well, I don't think... The thing of the police raid is you don't have any preparation. Because I guess if she had the choice, she would go, actually, the police are on their way. What I might do... I might take the gerbil out now. I might take nibbles out

and put nibbles in its own box. So when I get taken downtown to the police station that I'm not with person, with rodent. She's like a Tadakken.

Her, and then the gerbil, and then the cop. What if the gerbil had eaten something? A ger-fuckin'. We have Tadakken on Christmas Day, but not anymore. Because I'll never be able to duck in again without thinking of nibbles. Oh, and may he rest in peace. We rested in peace. I don't know if you heard something beeped out or we left that in, but either way.

Nah, that's staying in. That's staying in. Not like Nibbles RIP. Hi, it's Jen from Germany, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Christy Clevenger. Love you, Christy. Thank you.

Montana Bell. Hilda Kembling. Jason Tate. And TLC. The band. The original. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Don't go chasing waterfalls Don't go chasing waterfalls

Please tune in to our live stream on Friday at 9am If Tony's not late 9.07 You get there whenever it feels right Yeah, I mean, if you could get an hour or two under the belt Before I get there Yeah, knock it out That'd be good

We said if we got to 3,000 Patreons We'd do a 50 hour live stream We're up to about 56 hours because it's one minute per Patreon. Yep. We're going to be going deep into Sunday. Originally, it was 9 a.m. to, what, about midday? But now we're going deep into Sunday. So we were going to start at 10, then we've gone,

maybe we should start at 9, buy some time. Yep. No point being awake, not streaming. Yeah. Only exclusive and champion tapas can watch and participate in the live stream patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan if you want to submit challenges, questions

and get involved. Now a bit of a something, a bit of housekeeping. Oh. Is anyone listening to the podcast now gluten intolerant, dairy intolerant, low FODMAP or anything like that because I've recently seen a dietician like a gut specialist and recently learned that I am gluten intolerant sorry which in hindsight it's like well fuck of course you were but here's this dumb thing

like five years ago I got tested for like celiac disease and they go no you don't have celiac disease so i went oh so i can eat bread all good must be something else then not knowing that like you can be gluten intolerant and not have celiac yep because celiac's really serious yeah like fuck it's so scary yeah um so i'm low FODMAP as well there's a there's a bunch of stuff I can't eat. What are the highlights though? So you can't have garlic and... Garlic, onion. What was the other thing?

Avocado. Avocado was the other thing. Sweet potato. There's a category of polyols or something like that. There's a technical term and it's called... I'll just get it here for what I am. I am annoying as fuck to go and eat with. Yeah.

It's not annoying because, especially in Melbourne, we are quite lucky that most places will cater to a gluten-free diet or vegan or whatever. So I'm trying to make you feel better. Okay. However, when you made me, thank you, I would never turn down a lasagna. Pointed, but okay.

Yep. When you made me a lasagna. Yeah. For the birth of my baby. Obviously, we're under the pump. The last thing you want to do is actually cook. So, you know, people bring stuff around. It's great.

I, without knowing your, you know, the stuff around it's great i without knowing your you know the fact that you're against lasagna i'm not against lasagna i didn't know i'm not against lasagna i'm pro lasagna just like pro not having eight in your fridge yeah yeah and i think that's fair i don't actually you obviously never had one of mine i ate a mine in your fridge no no but so the thing about the lasagna is that i thought that it would be a beautiful gift because you don't have to worry about cooking whatever but i don't cook at home at all no like my boyfriend torbs does all the cooking there's like a handful of things that i do when we feel like it's like oh that's a tony thing but would

you say your tony things whilst they are limited in quantity, when you, like... They're bang up. Yeah. So I make a mean eggplant palm. If any baking needs to be done in our house, that's me. You are a good baker. You've made little muffins and biscuits for us a few times.

Torb's not a good baker. Oh. Because he just, like, he cooks... A simple I do the baking would have been fine. But sure, just give him a little jab. Just because, like, the same way that, like, so he, like he cooks a simple i do the baking would have been fine but sure just just give him a little jab like the same way that like so he when he cooks he's like he's like oh add a bit of this like you know how you've said that bridget does that he just knows what kind of goes together but apparently but with baking because it's so precise he goes oh a little bit

of this little bit of that and then he goes oh why goes, oh, why is it wet? Or why is it dry? Or why is it whatever? See, Tony needs strict guidelines. Tell me exactly what to do and I'll do exactly what it says. Right? I'm good at that. That's your area. I thrive in that environment. Yep.

The other thing that I can do the fuck out of is a lasagna. Yeah, you can do the fuck out of a lasagna. My mum made a mean fucking lasagna. And I've obviously inherited that ability. My sister makes a good lasagna as well. Runs in the family. It's a lot of tradition. And I like make my bechamel sauce from scratch.

Even you saying the words bechamel. Bechamel. Zoe bechamel sauce. Oh yeah. Zoe bechamel, that's funny. And like I use like fresh pasta sheets i don't like boil the hard ones or whatever like i i there a lot of love goes into it it's like a whole afternoon thing and so i was like oh my god when you guys have mabel obviously she hadn't come yet but i

was like i'm gonna make him a lasagna. How nice. Beautiful. Not knowing, obviously, 20 other people had done the same thing. Yeah, sure. But so I was really excited. And then I'm at the shop and I'm buying all shit and I filled it with veggies. It's like eggplant, like fresh tomatoes, like just everything that I could think of to like be really nourishing. So I was like, if Bridget's up late at night, like, you know,

Mabel's having a feed and she's like, fuck, I'm really hungry or whatever. I was like, how good? Then I get to the pasta section and I go, oh, here's the pasta I'd normally get. And I'm like, oh, gluten-free pasta. Okay. Yeah, I guess I should make this gluten-free. Like Ryan is now gluten-free

and then i'm like going in my head about all the other things that go into lasagna i'm like okay garlic i need yep onion yep the mushrooms that were yep all this stuff that i like know that you now can't have yep and then i'm thinking, the bechamel sauce is going to save this. And then I'm like, full of fucking flour. Yep. So I'm madly Googling in the Coles. And the internet in the Coles is never good. Remember, we've talked about this conspiracy.

So I'm trying to madly Google whether gluten-free flour can be used in place of regular flour for a bech. Because obviously it would react to things differently and whatever. And can I just say the answer is normally, yes, it's possible, but yes, it will taste significantly shitter. But it will be different. Or the consistency will be different. And so that's why I was like, fuck. Anyway, so I made the lasagna gluten-free.

And I thought, at least then you can eat it and you won't get sick. And then I was like, Bridget's the one that's just had a baby. Why am I making this for Ryan? And then I was like, Bridget's almost just had a baby. Why am I making this for Ryan? And then I was like, I'll make two lasagnas. Luckily I didn't fucking do that. We've got enough lasagna. Imagine if I'd done that. Anyway, but so it threw my whole thing out of whack.

And I then had to say to you, I bought you this lasagna and you and Bridget, oh, my God, thank you so much. Like, so lovely of you. And I was like, I just need to let you know it's not going to be that good and you're like no i'm sure it's going to be fantastic thank you so you put in all this time all this love all this effort whatever and i went yeah it's not going to be that good because it's gluten-free yep and i i actually feel your pain because you are so proud of your lasagna so proud of the las oh i tell you tell me if this is a way fucking dumb example of me,

like trying to comprehend the feeling. So you know how like I may have mentioned once or twice that I like played volleyball back in the day? Did you? Yeah. In Australia only or? So imagine if you're like Ryan, I've never actually seen you play volleyball before.

Which I haven't. Yeah. So now 10 years since you last play with an extra 20 kilos, can you just play left-handed and I'll watch and see how good you are? And then I'll be like, oh, but I used to be, but I'm actually a lot better than them. It's like you want to put your best foot forward. And you've been saying, oh, yeah, I was really good at volleyball,

which like you were because you played all around the world and you do all this stuff. I could have lied about the whole thing. I mean, you could have, but I don't think that you're – You've never watched the video about me being adopted. No, I haven't. But, I mean, you're someone I work with now and I don't think you lie. So I think it's fine.

But – Gotta – So the thing is, is that I'm like – have been saying to you for all this time, oh, I'm so good at making lasagna. And you're like, this is claggy bullshit. So I was really worried. It's the gluten-free fault. It's not my fault.

It's the gluten-free. I promise you I'm not like lying to you about being good at this. Yeah, I get it. And so then I felt really bad. And then I was like doing that annoying thing where I was like, was it okay? Oh, and nothing drives me fucking madder. I know, but I was really worried that you were like, this tastes bad. I don't want to tell her.

Fuck you, your family, and your mum. You're all wrong. You know, like your lasagna tastes like fucking dog asshole. And then you're like, oh, yeah, Tony, mmm, delicious. Your lasagna was good. It stood out amongst a varying pack. Was I the only one that did it gluten-free? Someone else tried one.

Tried? That's fucking nasty. Well, the consistency is hard. It is hard. Yeah. And I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm gluten-free. Like, I get that it's hard. It's the degree of difficulty is higher.

So coming into a 50-hour live stream. Yeah. Are we... Making a lasagna. No. Is that something we could do? Yeah. It's a fun thing.

And it takes a while, so you could do it. It could kill some time. Yeah. Are we, as a team, going to go gluten-free for a weekend? Or are we going to cook meals separately? That's a really good question. Are we going to do a 24-hour live stream from the bathroom? Or, I mean.

What actually, like, how dire are we talking? Yeah, okay. So let's break this down. No pun intended. Yeah. The thing about me going gluten-free is when I was eating gluten all the time, I just, like, often have a funny timing and whatever. But now that I'm off it, when I've, like, sn snuck back on it's like back with a vengeance oh okay because before you were like a general

level of shitness right now you're like oh i can notice yeah yeah so like it's not ideal okay it's not like are we talking like the runs nah or are we talking just like you get constipated or is it farts? I can get a bit farty. You get a bit farty. I'm so embarrassed. The thing is, I haven't smelt anything in months because of my long COVID. I have used that to my advantage. But there are other people in the house,

cams there, other people helping us film and all that. And I'll just be embarrassed. Yeah, no. And we don't want you feeling uncomfortable either. You're already going to be tired. You don't want to also be feeling like you've got a sore tummy. So where are we at for this weekend though? I haven't really eaten much gluten-free food.

I did try the bechamel that I made you. It wasn't very good. If you need me in solidarity to eat gluten-free, of course I will. I think we can have options. Can we have options, Cam? What are you thinking? For sure. And sometimes it's like if there's bread, I'll just not have the gluten bits,

but I'll have the whatever else. You could just like not have toast and you could have cereal when I'm having toast or something. You know what cereal's made out of, don't you? Sorry, but I meant like muesli or something. Is muesli – you normally have muesli here. Yeah, but that was pre-gluten-free. You had a bowl of muesli here the other day.

And I paid for it later. Oh, okay. Actually, no, I think that was a gluten-free, like nuts. Yeah. But they're like, yeah, it's... Right. May as well stay at home. What about...

What can you have? I don't know. I still haven't quite figured that out. Eggs. Eggs and salmon. Eggs, salmon, yeah, my areas. Yeah, okay, still haven't quite figured that out. Eggs. Eggs and salmon. Eggs, salmon, yeah, my areas. Yeah, okay, we can do eggs and salmon. We can do eggs and salmon.

But I'm happy to insulate. I feel like I'm really bending. I haven't asked you for a lot. No. So what you got, I've got to deal with you being tired after you have had your. My drugs. You've had your antidepressants. Yeah.

And then I've got to eat fucking claggy shit, fucking dick food. All right. Well, what can I do for you? That's what I'd like. This is the area that I appreciate. I wish I'd prepared something. Yeah. You know what, mate?

I don't need anything. I just need you to rock up and have fun. Let's just rock up and have fun. No, no. I don't need anything from you. No, I don't need this lauded over me. I actually need you. I'll ask you for a third thing.

And my third thing is you to provide some things that I can give you. Mate, all I need is for you to be happy, healthy, and smiling on the day. And we'll enjoy our beautiful time together. On Friday's show, podcast, which would be before the live stream. Yeah, so you'll listen to that like at 5 a.m. when it comes out. And then you'll join us at 9 a.m. Actually, no, I do it Thursday because I might need a day to prepare. Oh, okay.

On Thursday, I'm giving you a blank check that's basically like, Tony... A blank check? Oh my God. Yeah, I just talked about buying a house. That would be amazing. Like, so for me,

you're going to like have a bit of gluten-free stuff and allow me to take my drugs and be sleepy as fuck anyway. I, to make up for it, will, like, Tony fill in the blank. Mate, this isn't tit for tat.

I will do anything for you. No, I need you to do this because I don't want to fucking hear about all the stuff you're doing for me. I know, mate. No, I actually need this. I'd walk through hell for you, mate. And I don't need anything from you.

So you just sit tight. We'll get you some gluten-free Wheat Bix and we'll have a beautiful time. I'd rather shit myself for 56 hours straight than have this... It'll actually be a gluten-free zone. So, wait. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. You know, the other day...

So you're not going to take my offer? No, mate. No, no, no, no, no. I'd love to just accommodate you for the time. I'm going to love to see you. Go on. I fucking hate this. And this is from Lorraine.

Oh, another beautiful story about a friendship. Yeah, Lorraine's message in it goes, Tony's just such a great person. Isn't Tony just so wonderful? Lorraine messaged us on Patreon. So Lorraine will be joining us, obviously, for the livestream. Lorraine LaHale LaShawn. Hey, Tony and Ryan.

I've basically forced my friend to listen to your podcast and now she's obsessed. Good. We've been friends for a few months through work, but when we're in the awkward stage of are we friends or not, she ended up in hospital. And she's okay, but she said it was really painful to fart and go to the bathroom and stuff. So I thought it would be a good idea, Lorraine says, in hospital. Oh, no. And she's okay, but she said it was really painful to fart and, like,

go to the bathroom and stuff. So I thought it would be a good idea, Lorraine says, to send her the video of Tony saying how to do a quiet fart by spraying your cheeks. Don't send her that.

No. Do not recommend. So remember when we did the video about the puck of the little arsehole? Yeah. And then we said that if you spread your cheeks,

the fart won't come out. So she sent her friend, Lorraine, has sent her friend the video of me saying that. Lorraine says maybe that was a bit much, but it obviously didn't put her off. Well, it's a new friendship, so that's a risky move. It is. Maybe that was a bit much,

but it obviously didn't put her off. And because of Tony and her amazing cheek spreading, we are now friends for life. Lorraine's got a new best friend. Isn't that lovely? A cheek spreading, we are now friends for life. Lorraine's got a new best friend. Isn't that lovely? The best kind. You love to say that, Lorraine. You do love to say that, Lorraine.

Thank you for sharing that with us on our Patreon. We always respond to messages in there. Yeah, what a legend. My love to say it is from Liz Pepper. Oh, hi, Liz. Remember how we learned that drivers of my favourite car, the Suzuki Jimny, they nod to each other? And there's like little Facebook groups that are like,

oh, a guy in a blue Jimny didn't wave back and it's like a fucking crime. Yesterday I was on the Monash Highway and fucking, yep. And I believe we've learnt that Audi drivers have a bit of a... The Audi Howdy. The Audi Howdy. They call it, yeah. Did we mention that last time? I think so. The Audi Howdy. It gets me every time. That's so that last time? I think so. The Audi Howdy. It gets me every time.

That's so good. Because remember I said that when I first got my car, I was waving at every Audi driver. And because it is like quite a common car, I was wasting all this time. Just running around willy-nilly. Audi Howdy. Liz was out at the shops in her wheelchair the other day

and she rolled past another guy in a wheelchair and they gave a little nod. I love that. Like, how are you doing? Sense of community, love that. She said, camaraderie in the community, something so simple, but it improved my day and you love to see it. Aww.

I wonder if her wheelchair's a nowdy. Maybe Liz could send him the butt spreading video and they could become friends. No, I don't think so. That'd be nice. No, I don't think so. Look at us bringing people together. Isn't that lovely?

Oh, we didn't have anything to do with that one. But Liz still sent it to us and I think that's beautiful. Thanks, Liz. I'm taking credit for that. I didn't do anything. And thank you, Tony, for all your work in the community. Yeah, but I mean, I am a really good friend, as we've heard just before.

Yeah. We will be back. All right. Tomorrow's episode is called Friends with Professional Benefits. Oh, I like that. Yeah, you will like it. You're getting a lot of benefits out of me, so I guess you're using friends just fucking left, right and centre, mate.

Good for you. See you tomorrow. Bye. Let me fight.