Toni and Ryan - Toni and Ryan Wife Swap?

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Ryan may never call me his best friend, because now he's got an even better best friend. Love ya xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Or the Tony Lodge. We are calling Jess Batty. Big Bats. The Big Bat. JB. Oh my god, it's Justin Bieber. It actually is Justin Bieber. Hit call. Let's do it. So the thing about Skype is. So the thing about you not organising the phone number. Hang on, no, I'll just pretend. Do do do. Do do do. Do, do, do. Bloop, bloop.

Do, do, do. Bloop, bloop. Boop, bop. Beep. Beep, boop. Beep, bop, bop. Beep, boop. Leave this in.

My ringing worked. Jess! Say it again. Hi! How you doing? Hi. What happened before? Oh, hello, Jess. Someone who will remain nameless was dicking around with Skype and it didn't quite work as well as I'd planned. But, hey, no, no, we loved and lost.

Let's not point fingers, especially in Long Wriston. Sorry, is that the name of your town? Yeah. Barely a town. It's like a street. It's basically a village. Oh my god. What do you do there? Well, it's just outside of a big town. We literally just moved house

like a week ago. But we both live from home. Oh, cool. Just living the dream in Long Wriston. Yeah. Yeah. I love Long Wriston. Yeah. Yeah. I love Long Wriston in my new house as well. Yeah, that's what I've heard apparently. Jess, thanks for being an absolute legend.

Will you approve today's podcast? Yeah, of course I will. Woohoo! You! Hi, this is Jess from Long Wriston and I approve this podcast. Yeah. Hi, this is Jess from Long Wristin and I approve this podcast. Yesterday, Toni claimed she was going to have to move house. I too will also be moving.

Why don't we swap and then we can have a clean break? Should we do wife swap? And you live with Torbs and I live with Bridget? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. That's quite fun, isn't it? Torbs and I will just be dominating Nando's. You and Bridget will be dominating sourdough. Sourdough.

Yeah. Hang out with Mabel. Yeah, hang out with Pip. That actually sounds great. Let's do it. We should do that. Come and write that down. That sounds really fun.

I'll tell you why that. I don't need to do it. I now want to do it. Yeah. But I'll tell you why that. I don't need to do it. I now want to do it. Yeah. But I'll tell you why I thought of this coming up soon. But first, it's time for another edition of What Keeps You Up at Night. Which is slowly becoming my new favorite segment. It's very good.

And I think it just unlocks these really like hidden parts in your brain where you go, well, that's never happened to me, but this has. You know, other people's misfortune reminds you of the shit things that have happened to you. But at least laughing at someone else is nice. Yeah, it is. It is really nice. Well, it just makes you feel like, I think you said this last week, part of the fucked up community that we have here with the tapas.

Yep, and no one's more fucked up than Hayley. Poor Hayley. Hayley worked in customer service at a company that sold barbecues. Barbecues galore. We're not naming names. Maybe. Often people call in and it's like not working and they wouldn't know the size of the model or whatever.

And so Hayley would go, oh, can you measure the length of the burner? And so from there they go, oh, six centimetres. She goes, oh, well, you've got the 4.4, so all good. That's amazing. And she figures it out from there. go, oh, six centimetres. She goes, oh, well, you've got the 4.4, so all good. That's amazing. And she figures it out from there. But also relatable. I don't know anything about my barbecue. Like if I had to call someone and say what was wrong with it

or what model it was, I'd go, oh, it's a silver one. Yeah. Like literally no idea. Very normal apparently. So Hayley goes, tell us this one specific bit and from there I'll figure the rest out. She's a gun. Oh, my God, a barbecue genius.

One day this guy calls and goes, something's wrong with my barbecue and. I've got a barbecue. Like Barbie question. Hayley says casually, can you measure the length of your boner for me? No. That's what he said. And she went, burner. I meant burner.

And he went, oh, 4.3%. And it was real like dirty on her. Well, and because you just feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Hayley doesn't work there anymore. Because of that. She wasn't fired. But I think it gave her the ick and she was like, yeah,

no, maybe it is time for me to move on. But she's a barbecue genius. She's not living out her dream anymore. But that was her first like while at uni young job. So I think she's like moved on and whatever. Bigger and better things. Bigger and better bonus. As per the segment, still keeps her up at night.

And wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Especially if you're an old guy without a sense of humor. The kind of guy calling customer service at a barbecue place, you know the type of guy. Real no personality. Yeah. I can't even imagine like how you would explain that.

Like if someone was a real Karen about it and you're like, you're talking to this guy and he's just like, oh, what did you say to me? It's an obvious, like you can see. Just gaslight him. I said burner. Yeah. You're the one who's got a dirty mind.

Was that a gaslight? Was that a gag? No, it wasn't. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Love you, Hayley. Sorry about that. Max works as a waiter.

Hi, Max. I went up to a table and asked how everything was. They said great. And my brain didn't know if it was saying perfect or good, so I just said pud. And the guests at the table all just went silent and I just stood there, says Max, in silence for seconds. And then I just got chills.

Sorry. And then I just sort of walked off. Like no one acknowledged it. Like everyone heard it. It stopped. But no one went, oh, like perfect, good. Or just like laugh it off to like make it. Yeah, no, they just went.

Like if someone said pud, I would probably just go, oh, yeah. Like, you know, you just. Yeah, no, and they just wouldn't give him. They just. Or would you go, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, you just. Yeah, no, and they just wouldn't give him, they just. Or would you go, yeah, we'd love some. He means pudding. Yeah. Do you have any dessert made new?

A little bit of pud? A little bit of pud? You didn't say it was custard. A bit of a push, a bit of a push. Safi did the same. Safi, love that name. Yeah. Safi comments a lot in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group.

This bloke with a big smile came in. Oh. Hey, how are you? Yeah, good. Thanks. How are you? Beautiful. My brain didn't know if I was saying I'm not too bad or I'm all right.

So I just said I'm not all right. The guy's smile disappears and he just goes, I'm sorry to hear that. Like rough day, Saf. Yeah. Yeah. Safi says this happened almost five years ago and I still think about it every day. And I wonder if that guy's still thinking about me,

like, oh, that poor girl, the thing one day I was doing. I just want him to know that except for the memory of that interaction, everything actually is fine. I'm really good. But I need him to know that except for the memory of that interaction, everything actually is fine. I'm really good. I'm really good. But I need him to know that I'm fine. Do you reckon it makes it better or worse that he was nice about it? Worse.

Way worse. Because you kind of want someone to be like, oh. Yeah, if he just goes, what? You go, oh, sorry, I meant good. Oh, I jumbled my words up. Yeah, like what a nice guy. And because you fucked that up and he's going, oh, it'll get like your day will get better, don't worry. You can't then go, oh, nah my words up. Yeah, like what a nice guy. And because you fucked that up and he's going, oh, it'll get like your day will get better, don't worry.

You can't then go, oh, nah, fucked up. No, I'm joking. Loser. Yeah, oh, you tried to be nice to me. Way to be empathetic, you loser. Yeah, like, oh, you tried to be nice? Fuck off. Lame.

Yeah. So you can't then like back that up with comedy? I'm not all right. Because he was really nice. Oh, sorry to hear that, sweetheart. Keep your head up. Jacqueline worked at the service department at a car dealership. Oh, gosh.

A customer was complaining about an issue that we both worked out we couldn't fix. But he was polite and he said, oh, thanks for your time anyway. My brain didn't know if it was saying you're welcome or no problem so i just said your problem he was being so nice about it as well and jacqueline yeah he was being cool but jacqueline said it was like in the motion but your problem and it already hung up before she had the chance to go oh yeah and just like goes problem, and just hangs up on him. Sucker!

Your problem, bitch. Shame. Hi, this is Jess from Long Wriston, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon on this fine Wednesday. Maddie Piazza. Maddie Piazza. Maddie Piazza. Maddie Piazza.

Madison Clark. Good on you, Madison. Madison Clark. Yeah, Madison Clark. Taylor Holbert. No, you, Madison. Madison Clark. Yeah, Madison Clark. Taylor Holbert. No, Taylor Holbert. Yep. Rebecca Anderson and Lauren Booth.

Lauren Booth. Lauren Booth. Booth. Booth. B-U-F-E. Lauren Buffay. Maybe like Phoebe Buffay. Or Hyacinth Bouquet in Keeping Up Appearance.

Have you ever watched that? That was so many words. If you had a great, great. Sorry. Can someone acknowledge how many words that was? If you had a great, great, great grandma, you would have watched Keeping Up Appearances with her. It was like a very early 90s, maybe late 80s British sitcom.

Oh, no. And her last name was Bucket, but she was always trying to be fancy. She'd be like, it's bouquet. Oh, that's funny. Like when people say Target instead of Target. Yeah. Yeah. It was a great but awful show that I watched with my nana

way too many times. Yeah, right. You know how like you're in the supermarket, you bump into someone you know, and then you're both doing the aisles the opposite way and then you have to run into them ten times. And you have to do the, ah, every time. I would just leave, obviously. I'll come back and do my shopping another time because that's just so awkward.

This is where online shopping comes to play, I think. So I'm having that situation play out over many weeks while I'm doing laps of the block. We heard of your issues doing laps of the block yesterday, but Mabel and I were out strolling the other morning and getting our steps in. Nice. And most mornings we go out and do the big block,

which for those playing along at home is about 3,200 steps is the big block. Whoa. And we're walking the other day and this girl's running towards us and she's got a big smile on her face. Oh, great. And she pops out an AirPod and goes, Ryan, I'm listening to the show. I'm listening to the podcast.

And her name's Jacko, lovely girl. She lives down the road somewhere around the block. And I go, oh, good to meet you, Jacko. Thanks so much for supporting the pod. I'd love to. This is Mabel. Mabel, meet Jacko. Jacko, meet Mabel.

Like, real lovely. She goes, oh, have a great day, guys. Have a good walk. And she's on her run. She piffs off. Nice. Yeah, she goes off. Great.

That's really nice. Have a good walk. She's on her run. She piffs off. Nice. Yeah, she goes off. Great. That's really nice. It is really nice. The thing that's not nice for Jacko is that we have unintentionally, like, synced up our running and walk times. Oh, no. Because we've had our little hi, nice to meet you, how's it going? Yeah. But then a few days later, me and Mabel are out for a walk

and here comes Jacko and she goes, hey, guys. Listening to you again. Yeah. Episode every day. In the last two weeks. Stop. I've met Jacko's mum when she was going for a walk with her mum. Jacko has met my mum because my mum came over and I was like,

let's go for a walk. And then we met Jacko and I was like, oh, Jacko, this is mum. Mum's like, how do you know Jacko? And then I was there and my mum. Oh, sorry. Do you want to come let's go for a walk. And then we met Jack and I was like, oh, Jacko, this is mum. Mum's like, how do you know Jacko? And then I was there and mum. Oh, sorry. Do you want to come over and go for a walk? Maybe Jacko can be your new mum. Can't bring my mum.

Jacko can be your mum. Sounds like mums are a prerequisite of. BJ, my dog, now knows Jacko. Jacko's mum now knows Mabel quite well. Yeah, they're chatting. They're texting. And it's just like, I think Jacko's moving in because it's just like oh we've we've all met each other's family we've broken the ice and and that is so funny but it's sort of like it's run its course to the literally

to the point where jacko's run around the corner the other day and you just i saw in her face go for fuck's sake this bloke just, just leave me alone. Fuck. And because, yeah, how many times can you like, yeah, yeah, we know it like, yeah, you know. I'm giving permission to Jacko because I know she listens most mornings on her run. Okay. Hi, Jacko.

Lovely to meet you. Sorry you can't meet my mum. Neither can Ryan. I give you permission and this will be the test to see if you've been listening yeah to next time you see me to go for fuck's sake will you leave me alone yeah that's fair or can i say that to you actually is that off open to everyone or just why do you want to say no all good no no just ask so yeah you again i go yeah we both work here yeah this is a coincidence chat um that name after your one that's me that's you yeah do you know

what i think we could split the difference here as funny as that is and it sounds like jacko wouldn't mind telling you to go fuck yourself yeah she which is good time yeah she you know she sounds like a good bitch yeah i think that maybe we could split the difference and jacko we give you permission to leave your headphones in and do a little smile and that's fine. Yeah. Feel free to not. We don't have to do the dance every time.

You can go. Oh, no, we've sort of got to that already. Oh, but that's fine though. I think that part's fine. It's when you feel like you have to do the conversation every time. Like, oh, you again. I'd be like, on our lap you don't see that many people like it's kind of a novelty to see someone yeah okay oh well then i think that's okay even though yeah i would pay good money to see her tell you to go fuck yourself that's just fun that's entertainment well actually maybe i'll

get her to film and we'll put it in the group yeah next time i see jacko whip your phone out your phone out tell me to go fuck myself yeah um I'll make sure Mabel has headphones in, like earmuffs. This is social proof as well that Ryan's not lying. He's like, fuck, we've got an episode tomorrow. What should we talk about? I'll invent someone called Jacko that doesn't exist. But this sounds like a lot better than what I told you yesterday because you haven't asked Jacko to kiss yet, which is, you know.

Should I? Is that the next step for us? I wouldn't. We've met each other's parents. Ask for permission. It's all, you know, above board. Yeah. So the wife swap's on.

It sounds like it. You're going to live with Tobs and I'm going to live with Bridge. So how long were you wife swapping? I don't know. Like the night? Wasn't that show like for three weeks? Oh, no. Maybe two nights max.

Oh. You have to look after Mabel. You can hang out with Jacko and go for walks. You can just send Mabel to our house if that would be simpler because then I get to sleep in my own bed. I'd protect her from the roof leak so she would be dry. It's not baby swap for nothing. That's called kidnapping.

What we're talking about is a wife swap. But if the thing is that I have to look after Mabel, I would be happy to just do that. Yeah, but so would Bridget. So you guys can do that at my house. Yeah. And me and Torben look after Pippa. But then I get to sleep in my own bed though.

I don't think you're understanding the swapping part. But I really like my own bed. See, what you're saying is I want to swap but I will keep everything of mine. Yeah, which is not a wife swap but I will keep everything of mine. Yeah. Which is not a wife swap. Not the same thing, no. Or are you saying, I think this is what you're saying. You want Bridget to move into your place and Torbis to move into my place.

Oh, yeah. Would Bridget like the fire at my house? That's good. She would. Yeah. We could make bread together. She would like that. Yeah.

I think she would like, you got a spare room for her to sleep? We don't have a spare room. She could bunk in with me. We've got a king bed. You've got a king bed. You guys would barely see each other. All four of us could sleep in there and not even touch. Should we do that one night except for the not touching?

Yeah. Hee hee hee. All right. What do you love to see, Tony Lodge? I've got a love to see here from Nick DeRoz. DeRoz. Who sent this to us in Patreon and I really love to see this. Okay.

Nick messaged and said, I was listening to an old episode from Feb last year and I just want to offer some credit to Tony for the stand-up paddleboard attempts. I'm listening to all the sub-dates from back in the day. Sub-dates. Fuck, that's funny. Good on us.

Yeah, that is funny. Thank you. I'm listening to all the sub-dates from back in the day again, so re-listening. Feeling like a complete piece of shit because I got my stand-up paddleboard in November last year and I still haven't used it. Credit to Tony where credit is due. Credit for what?

I used mine once. Did you stand on it? It's not about the standing. It's about using it. I still used it. Do you reckon you'll stand on it by the end of the year? Or have you moved on? Well, now I'm really far away from any water.

Like where would I stand on it? Like put it in the bath? Hot tub? Hot tub, maybe. Is there a Coburg pool? Oh, there is a pool actually. Oh, the lake. Oh, the reservoir.

Where's the reservoir? I forgot how to talk about it. Anyway, I messaged Nick back and I said, Nick, can I use this on the podcast? Because maybe this would just show that, yeah, I did really. I did a red hot go. And Nick said, absolutely you can because every time I hear any mention of it and Ryan giving you shit, I'm like, fuck,

at least you got out on the water. I live on a lake and I'm 10 minutes from the beach and mine's a hardboard so I don't even have to pump it up and I still haven't used it. Is he Melbourne? No so I don't even have to pump it up and I still haven't used it. Is he Melbourne? No, I don't think so. Do we want to just give it a crack before winter really sets in? And say, Nick, go for it.

Or me. You. Oh, yeah. Because I feel like, I feel like. Yeah. I'm trying really hard to not do like a Game of Thrones winter is coming thing. But like I feel like we've only got

a few weeks before it really turns. It's already pretty cold. That's what I mean. If we don't do it now, like it. Why do I have to do anything? I mean, great question. But do you want to? What if I, instead of being a dick, I came with you

and like was supportive? No, because it's not. And tried myself. I don't need your support to do it. I have one. I've got two treadmills. I've got one sandal. I get mixed up. Can we treadmill to the beach? That's not tried myself i don't need your support to do it i have one i've got two treadmills got one but what do we treadmill to the beach i'm not i'm not bringing this up because i like feel like i need to do more i'm saying that there's someone out there doing less and i said and i said nick cheers to that yeah and i said nick can i fucking tear you open on

the podcast and let everybody know that you're worse than me? And he said, fuck yeah, you can. Bring it on. So, Nick, thanks for being even worse at stand-up paddleboarding. It's an honour and a privilege. But maybe, you know what, it's actually not us. It's you. It's the curse of the stand-up paddleboards. They don't want to be used.

That's what I'm saying. I've never heard a gassy gaslighter or a victim blamer or whatever the saying is. I'm just saying that maybe it's the stand-up paddleboard's fault, not the user. That's all. Okay. Have you got a you love to see it?

Chloe. Thanks for sharing that, Nick. Nick was also the person that remembered that it was like our 600th episode. We had no idea. Oh, yeah. He's like the friend that remembers your wedding anniversary and goes, oh, happy wedding anniversary.

And you go, what? Nick, can you do me a favour and remind us when we're at about 9.20, 9.30? Oh, yeah. So then we'll have a big run up and know that we've got our thousandth on the way. Coming up, yeah. So Nick's now got a big project of counting those. Yeah.

So he won't be able to stop and that's fine. We'll give you that. So if we just click 600, does that mean we're still a year or so off, eh? Hang on. If we've just hit 600 and we've been doing this for three years. Yeah, but remember we started, we didn't start five days a week. True. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I don't know. It's about two years for three years. Yeah, but remember we started, we didn't start five days a week. True. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I don't know. It's about two years? Two years? A year and a half. A year and a half? Okay. What if I want a bit of time off? Yeah, that's a great question. Do you know what I mean? Like, what if I want to have a bit of time off? Hot girl summer. You've got somewhere

to be. Just like sometimes I think about what if I just had some time off? What would you do? Go stand up at a party? Yes. Yes, I would with Nick went with nick nick and i are gonna go my love to see this from chloe hi chloe is it chloe maui noa i don't know how i know um that's fucking that's funny i that's made me angry this sounds like a phone interview love to see it. But I think if we give it enough energy, it fucking hits. All right. Chloe says, you know what I love to see? That notification from the bank app saying you've been paid.

Yeah. You've already earned the money. You know it's on the way. But it still just really makes your day when your phone, you go, what's that? And you go, oh, payday. I don't have that notification. Don't you? Is that available? Yeah. Is it? Absolutely., what's that? And you go, oh, payday. I don't have that notification. Don't you?

Is that available? Yeah. Is it? Absolutely. Do you have that? Yeah. Oh, I actually didn't know that was a notification. Oh, I've just checked my phone.

There isn't one. Yeah. I don't have it. Yeah, that's not working. Have I not been paid this whole time? But Chloe says, don't you love to see that? That's an amazing notification to get. Yeah.

I like that. I was. You you love to see that? That's an amazing notification to get. Yeah. I like that. You do love to see that. So for this building, we had to pay a bit of rent in advance. So I had to move like a bit of a, like the bond and the first three months up front. So I had to move some like more bigger numbers than maybe normal to pay for this building. And it's like flashing up.

Yeah. And so I was showing my, I want to say cousin-in-law Darcy, a video on my phone. Yeah. And this notification popped up and it's like you've received and it's received from just our other account. Yeah, just transferred from our savings. And it's like renting it.

So it's actually money going out but it looked like money coming in and he was looking at my phone and he goes, what a flex. Righto. So if you're trying to impress someone transfer some money over that's actually a great idea that's that you're on a first date you go check out this video and then this thing pops up oh you've been paid and then you go oh yeah just my daily pay oh yeah sorry that just comes through every five minutes yeah sorry it's very important so uh but thanks for sharing that chloe that's awesome i agree tony actually get the app though it does get you yeah i don't know it did that that's great yeah juice you up once a month when you

get paid that's good all right have a great day everyone we'll chat to you later on love you bye