Toni and Ryan - Toni Has NEVER Kidnapped Anyone

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

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With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. This episode is brought to you by Audible, where you can listen to the new audiobook, Sunrise on the Reaping, by bestselling author Suzanne Collins. So this is for all the fantasy and Hunger Games fans because

this is about the backstory from Katniss's mentor, Haymitch. Katniss, what a badass. Badass. Honestly. We watch those movies so often at home. I feel like they are such a high rotation like Good Watch. Absolutely and this time it's the 50th Hunger Games and there are double the tributes that have to compete which means it's pretty full-on. Yeah twice as big. Yep. Hamish is torn from his home and the girl he loves and has to enter the deadly arena with little hope of survival but a deep urge to fight that could change everything. Packed with fantasy, fierce challenges and shocking

twists. Yeah fantasy is massive right now and this sounds huge. So if you love the ballad of the songbirds and snakes, then get ready for the follow up in the series, Sunrise on the Reaping. Discover the joys of listening by downloading Audible and taking it with you anywhere. Sunrise on the Reaping available now at audible.ca. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name's Tony. This is my best friend, Ryan. Hello.

And we never start an episode of our podcast without tarpa approval. Yeah, that's Tony and Ryan podcast. And we've got Devin in Chicago. Now, Devin, I believe you have to teach us something about hot dogs, which might. Yeah, I know we love hot dogs. But Devin, what would you like to share with us? Okay. So in Chicago, and I don't know if you guys had hot dogs when you were here, but there's a whole thing about like, you don't put ketchup on your hot dogs.

And I've lived here my whole life. I never understood why. And I learned recently that in the depression, hot dogs are made from like not so great meat. And so people used to put ketchup on it to like cover that up. So post depression, when maybe we were using better meat for the hot dogs, it was like this huge pride thing where Chicago vendors would have signs literally that said like, Like don't need ketchup. I don't need ketchup on my dog. My dogs are good as they are. That makes sense, but I

still love tomato sauce, ketchup so fucking much. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I tell you what fucks off someone at an expensive steak restaurant. Yeah. Asking for tomato sauce. That is actually great. That's a good fact. I didn't know that. Devin, will you approve today's episode? Absolutely. Every day, always forever. Thank you so much. Love you, Jivin. Hey, it's Devon from Chicago and I approve this podcast. Well, it's very relevant. A single model sucks two cocks.

Tony mom, Tony mom. Tony Lodge is a single mom who works two jobs. She is Australia's Reba. A Reba, a Reba. Yes. Thank you for saying that. Coming up today, I believe there was some drama of you picking your children up from school. Yeah. Me children up from school.

Yeah, me picking up the kids. Normally I'm dropping the kids off. You know how that's like a joke about pulling? Yeah. Drop the kids off the pool. Yeah, I was like, that sounds familiar. Yeah, that's for pugs. Whose kids were you picking up?

My nephews. So all above board. Except maybe I went too hard on telling people that and then they were like, hmm, why are you saying so much? So all good. Yeah, I think that every day. All good. Oh, you don't think that. I know, I was just,

I was just trying. Don't show off in front of your friends. Yeah, I know, I'm trying to be funny. It doesn't work. Sorry, everyone. Cool jumper though. Thank you, my best friend got it for me. Just love you so much.

Want you to be warm. Thank you. I also bought a rain jacket. Oh. It's friend got it for me. Just love you so much. Want you to be warm. Thank you. I also bought a rain jacket. Oh, it's not a Hawks one. Do we need to spend an episode on it? Why? But you know, when you like, I feel like a rain jacket, there's like there's different pockets.

I know where you're going to put your stuff. Like, does it have one of those inside the thing is? I don't know. Have you not done a tour? That's what I'm you. Remember you did a fringe tour on Patreon? Yeah, I was really on a rain jacket tour. Oh, yeah, I can do that. So many options, a tour? That's what I'm, you remember you did a fringe tour on Patreon? Yeah, that was really fun. I want a rain jacket tour. Oh, yeah, I can do that.

There's so many options, so many pockets. There are so many options. Is it thin or thick? It's on the thinner side. Yes, you can wear it over the top of whatever, but if it's warm, it's still in play. It's still enough because it like seals the heat in. Yeah, see?

No, it's like greenhouse effect. I know science. Me too, but I don't think that that means what I just said. It doesn't, but we're pushing on. Okay. Tony, we're doing coincidence chat. I love coincidence chat. Now to bring everyone up.

I did float yesterday doing normal or not today instead, but we're just going to do that on Thursday. My decision. Sean, who sent this through on Patreon. Hi Sean. Is Sean a S-E-A-N or S-H-A-U-N? He is a S-E-A-N. Nice.

I don't like those. I just don't get it. It says Seen. It says Seon. I don't get it. It doesn't say Sean. There's no H. No.

Anyway, we'll let it go. I got my pregnant wife a voucher to the day spa. What a great gift. Great gift for anybody, but especially when you're pregnant, you hooves are sore. But this chatty masseuse named James ruined the whole day. She was eight months pregnant and aching for some relief, so I thought this would be the perfect day out. They asked in advance for instructions. So we ticked the firm massage box and we ticked the quiet no chat option. Yeah. You've got to. Yeah. Now would you, I know you are a chatter, but in

a massage setting. Not in a massage though. I also- In a supermarket aisle? Supermarket aisle. Yes, chatty. On the phone to the insurance people, chatty, very chatty, but not in a massage. I just feel like I just don't want to make small talk. I don't want to think about anything else, but just sitting here and even like, you know, when you're like getting your hair cut or whatever, when you're sitting there for a few hours, like if you're getting a bit blonder or you're dying your hair or whatever. And sometimes you like my hairdresser, Braquel is great

because we know each other pretty well. So if we kind of go through a quiet patch, it's fine. But then we'll start chatting again. No need to force it. But you know when you go somewhere and like, how many times can I talk to you about what I'm watching at the moment on Netflix? Oh, no.

And I feel like that's massage territory. Like, so what do you do for work? I'm like, no, no thanks. No, thank you. Despite her clear instructions for silence, masseuse James unleashed a relentless stream of personal antidotes and some unsolicited advice on yoga, diet and lifestyle tweaks.

Oh, no. This relaxing massage became a lecture on all the changes she needs to make and all the mistakes she was making in the lead up to giving birth. Oh my fuck. By the end of the day, she was frazzled. The exact opposite of what we wanted.

One year later. Oh. I lucked out and I won a free spa day from my work in a raffle. Oh, that's amazing. What a great prize. Should we do that as a prize here? I think we should.

Yeah. I also think we should. What would the, what's the competition? Let's do the, the tipping. No, that's too far away. Footy tipping. I'm not waiting that long to win a spa day. Yeah.

And Charles is only saying that cause he's leading the tipping at the moment. Yeah. By one. By one. But Lily's been going to that sauna place. In a studio yeah. Oh. Like sauna, steam room. Isn't that that place that's like $300 a week? Oh no no. If you remember. No that's some other bougie one for like the rich CEOs and stuff. That's the one in St Kilda. St Kilda. Yeah but it's like spas, saunas, like it's a real zen couple of hours.

Maybe we could do a thing for that, for the staff. Well, do you remember when I suggested maybe as a team, we could all go and do breath work and everyone was like, absolutely fucking not. And then I did say that to Lily the other day. She's like, I'd go do that with you. She was just being nice. Oh, fuck.

I think I said that in my interview actually. And that's why you hired me. Yeah. Because I was like, finally someone will hang out with me. Yeah. And now she's got the job. She's like, go fuck yourself. Yeah. She's like, no thanks. What would the competition in this workplace be though, for that prize? I just think for culture, maybe like on a Friday, it's just like a lucky dip. That's fun.

Every Friday. Do you know how much it costs? No, that wouldn't be the prize every, no, no, but like some weeks it would be like, oh, free diet coke. And then- Sorry, I can't concentrate the prize every, no, no, but like some weeks it would be like, oh, free diet coke. And then- I'm sorry. I can't concentrate because Lily's just sworn.

An affidavit? She said the two words that everyone doesn't like to hear. Pull out? Team building. Oh, oh, oh. That's actually against my culture, Lily. I'm going to have to ask you to apologize. Cut that out.

Yeah. Thank you. Redacted, redacted. A year later, I win a free spa day from my work, a totally different place to where my wife went the year before, and I get a masseuse named James. And we laughed. Coincidence chat.

Hope it's not that James from last year. And it wasn't. Yay! As soon as I hit the massage table, this bloke James dived into a monologue about hydration and stretching and diet and organic fucking lifestyles, echoing my wife's ordeal. Oh, and you know what? I reckon he, like the husband was probably like, babe, I bet it wasn't that bad. Don't worry. And then he copped and was like, it was that bad.

I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. Like, I'm so sorry. People just really need to read the roommate. The other week, I was out somewhere for breakfast and the person, the waitress that was there, I think she might've been one of the owners. And we were just sat there and I ordered my fucking eggs, Benedict and whatever, and the girl comes back over

and she goes, oh, you should really cut gluten out to help your psoriasis and walks away. What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, like I'm actually not even joking. Oh, sorry. I thought I was at a cafe. Am I, have I walked into the doctor's office?

I didn't realize I made an appointment. Oh, did I ask for that information? Yeah. Oh, any other advice, mate? And I was just like, oh, and I'd actually, it was- What a- Yeah, it was one of the first times I'd like not worn a jacket out in a really long time.

Which is a big deal. And I was like feeling myself. And I was like, it's hot outside, like all good. And then yeah, she brings the food over and she goes, you know, you really should cut out gluten if you want to stop having psoriasis. And then just like smoke bomb just fucked up. And I was like, well, let me see,

I'm putting my jacket back on. Like, oh good. What a bitch. But it's the same thing, right? That you just go, oh, fuck you. Like I wasn't asking and you're looking at my body and you're going, oh. And you're listening, you're looking and you're judging. Yeah, and cause when you're getting a massage,

she goes, oh, you need a bit more water. And you go, I'm already feeling pretty vulnice. I'm here. Are you coming for a massage because you need to, because you look tired. You look tired. I'm coming. Like I'm feeling myself

because I've won this thing and whatever. And then you go, you should eat more vegetables or whatever. And you just go fuck you. And also we've skipped over an important detail. Yeah. Don't talk shit about gluten, Doug. Yeah, fuck you.

I fucking love wheat. Wheat doesn't love my body and insides, but I fucking love bread. And you can fucking shut your trap talking about my love of gluten. And I actually did the fucking gluten intolerance test to see if that was causing my psoriasis. And it wasn't.

Oh, I'm glad you went to a barista to find that out. What a bitch. That was at the fishmonger down the road. I just, I said, can I get my salmon in my annual checkup? She went, yeah, you can. All right, I've got just a couple of quick coincidences here. Tapa Kelly. Hi, Kelly.

Oh, we're gonna have to draw some lines here. Okay. My ex-boy. Oh, fuckin' hell. My ex-husband's mom fuckin' hell. Yep. My ex-husband's mum has the same birthday as my mum. Yep. My ex-boyfriend, the one before the now ex-husband, his mum shared my birthday.

Yep. Wanna know the real coincidence between these two ex-mum-in-laws? Both their sons are shit cunts. Pfft. Hey, yeah. Amazing. So, Carrie the one. Thanks, Kelly.

Love that, Kelly. Chris said- Maybe their mums are working at that cafe down the road. Pfft. Chris. Hi, Chris. Says coincidence chat. I listened to the Tony and Ryan episode about the Hungry Jacks coupons. Oh, you're welcome.

And then my mom rocked up to the house. Guess what she brought with her. Hungry Jacks. Yes. Didn't use a coupon though. No, she brought the coupon page. Oh, I thought she brought Hungry Jacks and you've handed money away. She walked in and goes, look at this. You wouldn't believe it. That's amazing. Oh, I thought she brought hungry Jackson. No, she brought the coupons in. You've handed money away.

She walked in and goes, look at this. You wouldn't believe it. That's amazing. Amazing. I'll pay that. Tina. Hi, Tina. Tina.

Tina. This one's fucking shit. I was in the waiting room for an ultrasound and the nurse comes out and goes, Tina. Sure. I stand up and so does someone else. Yep. Tina asks, guess what the other person's name was?

She goes, you'll never guess. And I go, I bet I could. Natalie, oh, sorry. Sorry, that's not my name actually. You'll never guess. I reckon everyone in the room could guess. I reckon if you ask anyone else in that room, guess what do you think's just happened? They would all 100% get it right.

I think that they would. Yeah. Do you know though, when that kind of thing happens and someone goes, Oh, are you both called? And you go, well, obviously. Well, I don't think Tina figured it out when they both stood up. Hence why she was genuinely shocked by it.

She goes, oh, we both stood up and our names Tina? What are the chances? And everyone goes like pretty good actually. Well, yeah, yeah. Cause you both stood up. Yeah, but I don't think, you know. I get it. And finally, Scott Wilson.

Hi, Scotty. Not to be confused with a drunken Duncan Wilson who chipped his tooth on a bowl of jelly. You don't remember Dunk? Well, he's dead and just does. Sorry, have I just fucking gone into a ulterior universe? What just happened? You don't know about Drunken Duncan Wilson, who chipped his tooth on a bowl of jelly. What is that?

You don't remember that. Is that a story that we've heard? We've heard it three times in a minute now. Don't ask before. So this is Scott Wilson. No, it's not Drunken Duncan. But who's Drunken Duncan? He's the guy that chipped his tooth in a bowl of jelly.

Sorry, that might not get it yet. I said don't make me say it a fifth time. How do you know that tale of Drunken Duncan? Because he sent it in. Did he? Yeah. He sent it into Drunken Tony that couldn't remember apparently. Yeah, apparently.

Sorry. Now, Scott Wilson. Oh! No, no, it's not Drunken Duncan Wilson. It's Judy Susan Bolligelli. He went to his dentist's family home, you know, mum's birthday or something. And you know how there's the old family photos on the wall? Totally.

Well, I can only imagine. Yeah. I've just sent you a picture of Scott Wilson. He said, I've just seen Ryan's hair at Bay of Tonys. Oh yeah. And then Scott Wilson has sent this picture of him of his younger self. The shaved in fringe. I like that top. I'd wear that.

That photo looks like it could be me. That could be you. Yeah. Now I do like the shirt as a shirt, but I think it could also be used as the fabric for a seat on a train. Yes. It's got that energy about it.

Or the inside of a raincoat. Yes, yes. Yes. So thank you. Sorry, a lot of raincoat chat. Thank you, Scott, not drunken Duncan, Wilson who chipped his tooth on a bowl of jelly, Wilson for that coincidence chat. Love it. Hey, it's Devon from Chicago and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

This episode is brought to you by Majuri and Majuri has the nicest fine jewelry. It's perfect for stacking and wearing every day. And you can like play around with different styles, mix different colors and metals and stack different combos. So there's really something for everyone. And can I tell you a cute little personal note? Please. You know, these gold earrings that I wear, they're Majuri.

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craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Plus in 2020, the brand launched the Maduri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. So they're doing good while helping us look good. Epic. Pretty good. Love it. Play, mix and stack in store in app or on madury.com. Let's talk about cream. I love cream. Are we talking like ice cream or like moisturiser? Actually, as a sensitive skin girl, I can do both.

I know you can do both. And as much as we love ice cream, I'm currently talking about moisturizer. I'm talking about Aveeno Baby Healthy Start, which for young kids, you can use from day one. Oh. You can use this Healthy Start balm to help moisturize, nourish, and comfort the skin of babies. And when Mabel is older, I want you, Tony, to remind her who moisturized her every night. So when she's got beautiful skin, you'd be'd be like yep dad used to do that for you. Well I was about to say you're doing a great job because she high-fived me yesterday when I came

around for dinner and they were the softest hands I've ever felt. You're welcome Tony, you're welcome Mabel. Well we love a routine and we know how important good skin habits are to start early and with a Veno Baby Healthy Start it's easy to moisturize and support baby skin moisture barrier from day one. You can learn more at aveeno.ca. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpas over at our Patreon on a hump day. Absolutely love to see it.

Thanks for being here. Daniel Hampton, good on you Daniel. Hannah Rico, Steph Svrdloff Flint. Oh, fucking save some Svrd for the rest of us. Elise Hamilly, good on you Elise. Laura and Colin Perez. Absolutely love to see it. Thank you Colin.

Thank you very much. Just then when you said Colin, I heard like Colin and Samir. And I was like, did I just say that? And no, it was just the voices in my head. Are you OK today, man? You seem rattled. I'm feeling a little bit rattled. Are you flustered?

I don't really know why, but maybe. Do you need me to rub behind your neck? That would actually be really nice, but no, I'm OK. Do you want me to come around there for a second? No, that's all right. That's very sweet, though. Thank you. But maybe I'm feeling a little bit rattled because something's happened. And you know, when you like you're back a joke in, it doesn't really work out. Very well. Yeah. Well, let's push on. Very well. You know what it's like to breathe? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same. Yeah. Like that. You know what it's like to chip your tooth on a bowl of jelly? Well, I don't, because I'm not drunk and dunking.

So I am a single mom and I picked up my nephews from school. They are like eight and eleven. Yeah. It's my nephews. I'm not a mom. It's fine. Can I just add? Yeah. At eight and eleven, if mums like not available. Yeah. They like almost at the age where they can just like probably get themselves home?

Like get the bus or ride their bikes home or something? Whatever it is, yeah. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know how old you are when you- Cause 11's like, common mate. Yeah. I mean they don't live close, like not hell close. Yeah. Or do they just love an excuse to see Aunt Toddy? Which is great. live close, like not hell close.

Or do they just love an excuse to say Aunt Toddy? Well, I was- Which is great. And I was happy to do it. And I was, I think, I actually, I don't even, I can't trying to remember how old I was when I first like walked home from school. I was probably, yeah, 10 or 11. Times are changing though now, aren't they?

It's different. Kids on their iPads. Yeah. Minecraft, iPads. Yeah. Minecraft, et cetera. Yeah. Kickflips. Oh, so true. Skateboards.

Bowls of jelly. Sega Mega Drives. All that. Flared jeans. Anyway, I love my nephews. And like you said, it's kind of just a good excuse to go and pick them up. Cause my boyfriend, Torbz and I, we don't have kids.

We don't want them at this stage, but like really love them. Yeah. Like I love getting my life baby fixed with Mabes. I love hanging out with the boys. Like so much fun. I go to pick the boys up from school. As a side note, can I just say that parents are fucking crazy because- That's not a side note.

That is a title. That is the thing. Because I went to pick them up and school finished. Like I got there half an hour before school was meant to finish and I could not get a parking spot because Libby said to me, she's like, you can't have to get there early to get a spot. And I was like, well, half an hour will be plenty. And I really I didn't want to be late because I didn't want them to think that

I'd forgotten. Yeah. So I was like, I need to be there on time and I want, yeah. And I couldn't get a spot half an hour. So what do you do? Just double park somebody in or? I circled around and then I found- For half an hour? No, not for half an hour.

I circled around to see if I could find a spot on like a side street. Yeah. And then I ended up seeing this like parallel spot that was like on the curve of a road. So the like car behind and in front, but then the spot that was, and so I had to like, it took me like three goes to get into it. But I was like, Hey, I've got a spot. That's fine. I can sit here until I pick up the boys. Crazy though. Anyway, it was just, I couldn't believe it. Anyway, I go in and I like waiting outside the boys, one of the boys classrooms,

we go and get my other nephew, and we hop in the car and I'm like, who's hungry? Like, let's go get a snack. Fuck yeah, Aunt Toddy's the best. Well, yeah, cause I'm like, I remember finishing school, you're hungry. When I get home from work, I'm like,

I might need something to get me through to dinner. And I think the drive from their school to your house is about the distance from McFlurry. Well so I was... If I were to like, you know... So I was thinking that they'd probably be like, can we stop and get some nuggets or something? Fuck yeah.

And I was like, also great, don't have to like get out of the car because I really wanted to minimise opportunities for me to like lose them or for them to get hurt. Yep. And anyway... Getting out of a... Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're in the car, you're safe. We're them to get hurt. Yep. Yeah. And anyway, I'm getting out of a, yeah, yeah, you're right. You're in the car, you're safe. We're safe in the car. I'm locked the doors.

All good. We'll get to my house. Exactly right. Anyway, and I was like, oh, well, if you're hungry now, we could like stop somewhere or we could go to Woolworths and like grab some stuff. Oh, that's. Well, I shouldn't have even given the option. They picked, let's go to Woolworths.

And I said, maybe we could get stuff to make a Milo at home. So I was like, how good after school you have a little Milo. Stuff like milk and Milo. Well, yeah, get the stuff to make a Milo. I didn't have either of those things. Why don't we have bread? We'll make it. What do we need? Do we have water at home? We'll need a loaf of bread and we're good to go.

And we're fine. Well, I was like, what about, we could get a Milo. We could get some Milo. Do you have water at home? We'll need a loaf of bread and we're good to go. Yeah, we're fine. Well, I was like, what about we could get a mylo? We could get some mylo. Do you guys want a mylo? I think we've skipped over a bit. Sorry. And I don't know if you... I was, to quote the great Tony Lodge. Yeah.

I was trying... Sorry, I'm uncomfortable. Sorry. Just had a little shimmy. Sorry. You are off today. I'm off today. Yeah. I don't know what it is. To quote the great Tony Felicia Lodge. I want to minimize the chances of me losing them. Yeah. I know what I'll do. Take them to a huge fucking supermarket with 25 fucking aisles that all look the fucking same. I know. With a bunch of kids that don't have phones, eh? No. So it's not like when in danger,

you can call them and go where the fuck are you? Just call me and let me know where you are. Cause you're in a supermarket, where I'm at the front Just call me and let me know where you are. Because you're in your suit, mate. Where I am at the fri- oh fuck there you are. Yeah. Can I tell you that, like, even though that's all horrifying, the part that scared me the most was the fucking car park. After school, out of Woolworths. Don't even fucking-

And I was just like, I'm like holding onto them for dear life. Like I probably did some fucking nerve damage on them, like holding onto them as we were walking through the car park. And I was just like, please just stay with me. And they're like, no, it's okay. And I was like, We're 11 and eight, we're fine. And I was like, I just really need you to like play ball. You know what I mean?

Like, anyway. We're getting milk, we're getting Milo, we're getting back in the car. And we're getting the fuck out of here. If anyone opens that Milo in my Audi, they're gonna fucking feel the back of that Toddy's hand. Anyway, so we're like in the shops and then they're like, oh, can we get, I was like, do you guys want to get some popcorn or something fun?

Fun, Aunty. Well, I really, you know, wanted to be cool. So we ended up like, we walked through the chip aisle and they picked something and then they're like, oh, could we get like a lolly or something? And I was like, yeah, they picked a chip, they picked a lolly, and then we went and got some milk and some Milo. Which I was, you know, obviously inspired by Charles's milkshake last week. Of course.

Because I thought, you know, how beautiful. I thought you were about to say you were inspired by something healthy and I was like, that doesn't sound right. No, absolutely not. Charles don't laugh at that. But yeah, no, but I was like, this is fun, all good. And then as we're walking past the milk,

this Tapa walks over and she's like, oh my God, like Tony. And I was like, hi, how are you? And we're like kind of chatting, but I had the boys with me. So I was like, you know, instantly I like, because it just- Strange danger.

Yeah, well, I just like grabbed them because I was like, holy shit. If I know Tapa's- Like do not fucking come near me. Tapa's and kidnappers overlap. Okay, well, so it's funny that you say that because then. Is it? No, so I'm talking to Tarpa Lydia in the Woolworths.

Hi Lydia. And I'm like, oh, these are my nephews. I did not kidnap these kids. That's exactly what a kidnapper would say. It totally is. If I was kidnapping someone and someone said, have you kidnapped them? I would say, no, I'm not kidnapping them. I know them, they're my niece and nephews.

Yeah. And Tablete goes, oh, I didn't think. I didn't think you had. And I was like- But I haven't? Well, I haven't. I was like, these are my nephews. Anyway, gotta go, like milk, no, my hand, we gotta-

I had to get all the ingredients for Milo and she goes, you mean milk and Millo. She goes, milk and Marlo. She's like, you're acting off. You're acting strange. She's like, something weird's happening here, your pet's too tight. Anyway, and then so we go through the fucking checkout. We get back, we're walking through the fucking,

through the car park. I'm holding onto them for fucking dear life. Like you would if you'd kidnapped them. They get back in, we get back in the car. They're sitting in the back and I'm sitting in the front. And I'm like, all right, we're five minutes away from home. Like, thanks fucking God. I just, I don't know how parents do it.

This is why I don't have children. It is so stressful. I had these two kids out in the wild with me and I did not like it. Anyway, and then, so as we're pulling into my street, one of our neighbors from down the way, they were kind of like looping around the street to come back out,

like turning around in the end of our cul-de-sac. Was it the neighbors that rolled a place the other day and the cops were after them? No, well, I hope not. Cause we chat to them all the time. And now you're bringing kids into that environment. Yeah, oh my God, how dare I? Honestly, dangerous, really bad for me.

And so as I'm pulling up into like our driveway, he pulls up on the other side of the road and like winds his window down. And he's like, Tony, oh my God, congratulations on the engagement. And I was like, oh, thanks bro. Like, and he goes, oh, about fucking time kind of thing. And we're like laughing and chatting

and cause we caught up with him a lot of times. And it's all fun and games. And he's like, oh, like, were you excited? Did you know it was coming? And he kind of likes is like having a very bit of a yarn. And it's like a very like wholesome, back and forward kind of thing. And then I like just kind of just check into the back of the car.

And he goes, have you got kids in your car? And I was like, and I was like, I was like, oh, what? I was like, oh, yeah, they're my nephews. And he's like, oh, and I was like, I'm back with joking in again. Oh God. And I go. Was it a joke? I thought you were just stating that. Well, I just, I thought that it would go down better. You know what I mean? Like, obviously I haven't kidnapped.

I thought you were just stating for the record that you have in fact, not kidnapped someone. I guess it's a little bit of that, but I also just thought that people would be like, well, obviously not. Now, maybe it's my sense of humor. Maybe it's my sense of humor. Maybe it's my sense of humor. But when you said it the first time,

there was not 1% that I thought comedy. It was 100% I am stating that I have not stolen children. I think it was a little bit of both, but I was intent. I didn't pick up on it. No, and that's- And I don't have a sense of humor. Neither did Tapa Lydia. She didn't pick up on that either. Well, maybe it was the delivery and not the receiver.

No, no, no. And that's what I'm saying. Lydia, I'm with you. I was thinking that- I never found a Clidia, but I am on your side. But I was thinking that it would come over and be like, obviously not, like so funny. High five, bye. Anyway, I say-

Was there a high five? No, there wasn't. And thank God. I say to Was there a high five? No, there wasn't. And thank God. I say to Duke, like, yeah, well, I didn't kidnap these kids. And he goes, well, yeah. What do you keep saying? Wines up his window and just drives off. Well, now you know how to get rid of people.

Yeah, no questions asked. OK. But literally, I was like, it's just like, oh, winds up the window and fucks up. Haven't seen him since. I think what you should do is try it a third time. Well, it hasn't gone over great with you guys. So, yeah, I know. But I just thought. And where are the kids now? My sister has them. I don't think that she'll ask me to pick them up from school again. I've heard

a rumour. Oh no. Yeah. That when you're at the school, you did make it clear that you were an auntie, but not in fact kidnapping. Is that true? Well, so out the front of the first- Can you confirm these rumors? I can confirm that it did happen. I just really needed it to be clear that like they knew who I was.

And that- You were aware. It was safe. There was no stranger danger. I also know that I'm not these kids' mother. Yes. I am the sister of the mother. Yes. And that is fine.

Yeah. And I've been to some assemblies and stuff like that. So it's not like they've never seen me. I just wanted to try and make it very overtly clear that like my nephews were very safe. There wasn't any like, you know, anything, everything was above board. Fuck, I can't even talk. Cause I feel like I'm really.

I've been watching a lot of Law and Order on TikTok recently. Yeah, a lot. So let me break this down. Yeah. When people have got nothing to hide. Yeah, they don't say anything. They're strangely calm because

they've got nothing to hide. But see. It's the person when the cops turn up and they go, ah, Mr. Greensmith. And he goes, I was busy on Tuesday with my golf buddies. Just ask them. And you go, whoa, you have been watching SVU. Yeah, he's definitely done it. Yeah. Because he's too prepared. Yeah.

So when you. Come with an alibi, when no one's accusing you of anything. See, I just looks a bit. I did consider being like, yeah, just picking up my nephews from school, can I call you back? You know, doing like a fake phone call. Then I was like, that looks hell suspicious.

That's the, what? Cause I just thought that then- Okay, okay, so when, here we're gonna do a practice run. Okay. What you're gonna do is give five options of what you could have done instead. Yep. To show off that you're not stealing children. Okay. What you're going to do is give five options of what you could have done instead

to show off that you're not stealing children. Okay. And every time before you're about to say the thing, I'll just say, just don't say it. Yeah. Okay, let's do the first one. Hi, so- No, just don't say that.

No, just- These are my messages- No, it's actually fine, just all good. My sister- That one don't say that either. Just pick them up. Okay, fourth one, here we go. Well, my sister asked me- Don't do that one. Just pick them up. Okay, fourth one. Here we go.

Don't do that one either. No, that's actually fine. And fifth practice. I know both these kids' birthdays. No, no, no. It's fine. Oh, okay. Both these kids' birthdays.

I'm just picking them up. What's their birthday? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know the secret combination? I just like, and obviously it's like not a laughing matter, but it was all like a bubble. I know. It's not a laughing matter because no one laughed every time you told that joke.

And like, you know, it was actually all above board. I didn't have anything to hide. It was more than I just really wanted to do a good job. I didn't want to fuck anything up. Then when a tarpa recognized me, I felt like I had to give an explanation, which I didn't. No is a complete answer. No, but I didn't even need to say no. I just didn't need to say anything.

Are these your kids? No. That's what happens to me in the tag. But see, then I'm worried that they'll be like, well, whose kids are they? Well, I remember in the tag when I was fighting those kids with the pool noodles. With the pool noodles.

Yeah. And I go, are those your kids? And they went, no. No. And I left. But they weren't, and they weren't in your care at all. No. Oh, but they were in my control

because I dominated those punks. Yeah, you did. Slapping them with a turtle. Yeah. Pull noodle turtle. Not a real one. You had a full tortoise. In Kmart.

Yeah. Or was it Kmart or Target? This isn't adding up. No, it was Kmart. You need an alibi. Were they your nephews? It was Kmart at Campbell Field, the one off the Ring Road. What's the Ring Road?

The Western Ring Road. Which big road? New York, they weren't. What's the ring road? The Western ring road. Which one? Which big road? New York place, the one that goes like right around. So if I do the big road to your house, that's the one that that one is? It depends which way you go, but probably, yeah. Oh. To the airport?

Yes. Got you. Yep, yep. Gotta love to see it from Alison Murphy. Hi, Alison Murphy. That sounds like a famous person's name. Now this, you're thinking of, who's that girl that had a sitcom? Murphy Brown.

You're thinking of Ryan Murphy, who created American Horror Story. You're thinking of Ryan Seacrest, the host American Idol, which is not where Charles is. He's at the Australian one. Australian Idol. No, you're thinking of Scott Tweedy. I'm always thinking of Scott Tweedy.

I've never met Scott Tweedy. I'm the only person on this team that hasn't met him. I haven't met Scott Tweedy. Oh, sorry. Ryan and I are the only ones on this team. I just moved to a place where I currently live and it's called in Scott Tweedy's shadow, according to Charles.

Oh yeah, Charles gets sassy when he's with his famous friends. Yeah, he's too good for us often. Alison Murphy that's not related to Murphy Brown or- Ryan Murphy or Ryan Seacrest or Scott Twitty. Or Charles. Or the Brown brothers who make the- Mascato. Yeah.

Have you heard- Sorry, I laughed a bit too hard then. I don't- I'm their auntie. I'm not kidnapping them. Do you get what I was trying to do though? Do you get what I was trying to do though. I'm not kidnapping them. Do you get what I was trying to do?

Not really. No, but like, you know, just keep explaining that it gets better. The longer you go. Have you heard of the waffle Wednesday? No. Well, I thought I'd bring it up. Shut the fuck up, Charles. I thought I'd bring it. Shut the fuck up, Charles.

I thought I'd bring it up today because it's a Wednesday. This guy started with his mates and like friendship groups have different versions, but he's like coined the term and now he's like making an app. So waffle Wednesday is when you've got like a group chat that every Wednesday you send a video of like two to four minutes and you go, hey guys, what's up?

This week at work, I'm kind of working on this thing. On the weekend, I'm planning this. And it's basically like a mini like what are you up to? Give me a two minute snapshot. Yeah. And Alison said, My love to see it is I've started it with my three long distance best friends. That's fun.

And I know another Chanel, Tom's partner does this. And she goes, I really look forward to Wednesday. So I'm looking forward to the waffle. That's so sweet. They said it's a great way to hear what people are up to. So then when you do hang out, you're already up to date and you can get past that kind of catch up phase. And it's also really good because you don't have this chat that, you know,

how you've got like a hundred messages in the group chat and you've got to go back to the start, like if two people kick off and they're having a chat. Yeah. So everyone just every Wednesday does their two minute, yeah, I'm up to this. And then you're still catching up through the week as well in the group chat, but that's like, it's the Wednesday waffle. It brings you up to date. Here's what I'm up to, just checking in with everyone, how you feeling? And the guy who started it went a bit viral. Cause obviously, especially men are like really shit at like, how are you doing? Yeah. And so this is like a way to get around it.

So Tapa Allison's like, I've just started it and it's changed our friendship and we're loving it. And I'm really pumped on a Tuesday night. I'm like, oh, what am I gonna talk about in my waffle? Can't wait to see what the guys are up to. So that's who you love to see it. And I fucking love to see it as well. I love that so much.

Slightly disappointed it's not like a waffle. Cause I thought like pancake Tuesday, waffle Wednesday is what I was expecting. Throwback Thursday. Yeah. So true. What's Friday? Flashback Friday. That's not food related. Unless we had something.

What's throwback related to? Throwback this hot dog. Yeah. But you know, like that's not food either, is it? A hot dog? A throwback. You throw it back. Not your best.

Sorry. I'm lashing out. You are lashing out. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I haven't fucking stolen a child. You don't have to apologize for that. That's actually what we all want to be able to say. I love that.

I think that's really nice. Yeah. What do you love to see? I've got to love to see here from Eliza who sent this in Patreon. Tony Ryan, I have a love to see it that I want to share. I just got engaged. Isn't that so sweet? I'm engaged to the girl of my dreams

and we are so, so happy. I'm so happy for you. Eliza says, but I absolutely cannot feel like an official fiance until this engagement is approved by you guys. Do we, are we legally allowed to approve of engagements? Ah, I don't know. I know one of us has started our celebrant course.

I got kicked out. Did you? Time's elapsed. Yeah, time's elapsed. Anyway. Don't bring it up. I think that we can- Do not bring that up. Oh, you can bring it up.

I fucked it up. Yeah. It was so boring. Yeah, the legal stuff. It was really dry. Like, so it was like, you couldn't even really sink your teeth into it because you're just like, fuck, this is so dull.

You should try doing this operation subject I'm doing at the moment. But like, and I guess then I looked at it and I went, why am I doing this? Yeah. Like, I get to pick what I do and if I want to do something, I should want to enjoy it. Relatable content.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, so why are you doing that? Yeah. But Eliza, congratulations. And of course we approved that is so fucking exciting. So Eliza and Brooke. Eliza and Brooke. Congratulations. That's really, really cool. Um, Brooke, absolutely. And cause when Brooke was calling me and asking me about like what ring to get

and stuff, I just was like, you're on it. And Eliza gave me a kind of a bad vibe because I was like, congratulations on the engagement. She said, I've never stolen a child. That's a weird thing to say. Yeah, I said, well, that's a weird thing to say. And she goes, but I haven't. I would never talk to someone that had at one stage said that. Trying to get the day off work tomorrow. Well, it's normal and ask tomorrow. You won't want to miss that. Oh yeah, so true. Congratulations though. Congrats.

Couple of fiancees, very fun. Yeah, it's going to be a fun time. All right, we'll. When you catch up with Eliza and Brooke. Well, Brooke. Oh yeah, true. No, Eliza, we're back on. Love ya, love ya.

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