Toni and Ryan - Toni Has To Move

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Something a bit ODD has happened and it's not looking good for my living arrangements. Love ya! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My name's Ryan. This is Tony. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Now, we're calling Matt slash Kenzie. Oh, okay. No, not okay. Because which one is it? And also, which one is the patron? Because as you know, there are no shared accounts. We are not Netflix. Yeah. Oh, no, we are Netflix. We're cracking down on shared passwords. So I don't know who's going to answer. red passwords.

So I don't know who's going to answer. I might get f***ed up here. Hello? Hello, is that Matt or Kenzie? It is indeed. This is Tony and Ryan. Yes, it is Tony and Ryan. Hang on a second.

Okay, Ryan's confused because... I'm suspicious there is two people on the Patreon account, but I reckon I've fucked this up. No, no, you do have, well, technically both people, but you see, the thing is, so Matt is my government name, if you want to call it that. But Kenzie is short for Kenzie Blackheart, So Matt is my government name, if you want to call it that. Yeah. But Kenzie is short for Kenzie Blackheart, which is the name of my drag persona.

Oh. Yes. Okay, righto. I was just singing the drag race theme song earlier. You caught us at a great time. See, Tony, a true queen. I knew it. I knew it. Yep, Tony, a true queen. I knew it. I knew it.

A true queen. So what would you like us to refer you as for this approval? Kenzie Blackheart, surely. Oh, go on then. Oh, go on then. Go on then. Well, Kenzie, will you approve the podcast? I 110% approve the podcast.

I adore both of you so much. Well, we love both of you too. Hi, it's Kenzie Blackheart from Essex in the UK and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the show. Coming up. Tony, what's going on up there? I think I need to move. What?

Something's happened. What's happened? And it's kind of like you'll hear something and you'll go, I understand why you need to move, and then it gets worse. And I need your advice. Okay. Yeah. Do you think people in your apartment building wouldn't hate if you moved purely because they're sick of being content

for this show? Like the people who are banging upstairs who get, like they're probably like, well. On your go. Yeah. On your bike. Yeah. Yeah, probably.

And people are probably like, she's always bitching about the building, but she never sorts her or something. You know, like there's a separate Facebook group where people go, I hate Tony Lodge and she lives here. All right, that's coming up. But first Tuesday means it's time for Confessions. These are top confessions. I read a comment the other day that said I thought that you guys

were saying top confessions. We are saying tarp confessions. They are top confessions. They are top, tarp confessions. Tarp, T-A Confessions. They are Top Confessions. They are Top, TARP Confessions. TARP. T-A-R-P. Tony and Ryan Podcast. Yep.

You can submit it at tonyandryan.com.au. They're completely anonymous. There's a form. We don't even ask for your email address. We don't want any of your personal information. We just want the juice. Now, straight off the top, I want you listening and you, Tony, to tell me if you think this is like a good move.

Like it's a bit sus, but it could also be like, oh, no, I get it though. Or is it just completely fucked? Every year I bake and deliver sticky buns to my... There's something about the phrase sticky buns, isn't there? Every year I bake and deliver sticky buns to my friends and they're a Christmas delicacy from my homeland. And after homeland they're put in brackets, deliberately vague. Okay, fair enough.

We can't know who they are. Sorry, I don't know if they go into any more detail, but is a sticky bun, do you mean like a finger bun? That's what I imagined in my mind, but it is around Christmas time, so it might be like a specific Christmas type with maybe a Christmassy. Because you know how Christmas, there's like the fruit bun that becomes a bit more common at Christmas? Yeah.

And like a brandy custard that goes on a thing. Oh, yeah, like a panettone, you know, the Italian cake thing. So I think it's in a Christmas category of something from this specific country. So sticky like honey bread kind of vibe. Yeah. Okay. Everyone loves them. I love a sticky bun.

Who doesn't? Within my friendship group, I'm known as the one who makes the delicious sticky buns at Christmas. I love that. Yeah. What would you consider I am in your, like, if you were like, oh, Tony, she always blah. That's a great question. That's a great question. That's a tricky question.

Yeah. Because I'd say you're probably like, oh, Ryan, he's got great advice. He's really supportive. Yeah. See, sometimes I get nervous that I'm just like telling everyone what to do and like shut the fuck up. But sometimes it's kind of like you're bound to hit a bullseye at some point, you know? If you throw enough advice out there, something will stick. No, what's mine?

I would say, and this is in a bad way, like loud and fun. Like if Tony's coming, you're like, whoa, yep, here we go. I actually really appreciate that. Thank you. And like in the right environment. Like you are a room reader. Thank you. Yeah.

So like if we're having a dinner party or we come around, it's like, oh, Tony's coming. Like, oh, what a great time. Yeah. But if I was, you know, coming to your funeral or something, you'd be like, oh, she'll be respectful. Would she though? Fuck off.

As if I would walk into a funeral and be like, party's here. I used to say at a funeral in the bedroom. Yeah. I've come in. What time does this finish? Are we going to eat after? They have the best orange juice at my mum's funeral. Did they?

Like the food was awesome. It was like so good. But they had these like carafts of orange juice and it was the best orange juice I've ever drunk in my life. Is it because you were so depleted? I was so happy to be alive. So happy to be alive. But I feel like because you would have, I'm assuming,

cried a lot in the last few days, you were probably so dehydrated that any liquid was going to taste unreal. Yeah. Things you can say after a funeral or something. Anyway, the sticky bun friend. Love that. Everyone talks about them and they talk about the fact that it's my mum's homemade secret recipe

and it's a family secret. Passed down. Passed down. And even though they're a little bit curious, everyone knows that it will never be shared. That's a good way to keep friends though. If you get rid of me, you fucking get rid of those buns. Yeah, but only once a year.

Maybe G just burned that friend. Who knows? But for the last 10 years, I've actually just purchased the buns from a local restaurant because it's so much easier than cooking. But I can't tell my friends because I love getting all the praise and I know that then they'll figure out I've been lying to them for a whole 10 years.

They think I spend weeks baking these delicious buns. And when people ask for the recipe, then I just say, oh, it's mum's secret. A decade. A whole decade. I reckon she's done it once or twice and gone, oh, I'll just buy them this year. And then everyone, you know, gets to November and, oh, Jan,

are you bringing the sticky buns again? Yeah. Of course. This is my specialty. Family recipe. And, I mean, the pressure. Imagine if there's like a new friend to the group or someone's like, oh, I work with this girl.

She's going to come for a drink. Oh, you should meet Tony. She does the best finger buns at Christmas. She'd be like, oh, I guess I better fucking. Or this happens to me a lot. People go, Tony's coming. She's so funny. And I go, well, I can't follow that.

No. Then I might just go, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. So then when Jan goes, I've got these sticky buns, and someone goes, wait till i've got these sticky buns and someone goes wait till christmas jan's sticky buns you'll never like you won't you'll never eat another bun again to compare two of my favorite comedians yeah what you tony lodge just said remind me of something that jerry seinfeld once said fucking how do you do yeah he said there's nothing worse because he still does stand up and and he's a craftsman. Isn't that crazy?

And so he's like there's nothing worse because he turns up to a comedy club in Iowa. To test his five or whatever. Yeah, do whatever he's passing through and doing his tour. And then the person on the phone goes, guys, you won't believe it, the greatest comedian of all time. Yeah. And he comes out and goes, well, great.

Now if I knock him down and have the best show of my life, it's still just like, well, he was the best, so I guess he has to be. Yeah. If one joke slips up, they're like, oh, best of all time. Yeah. Oh, I've got to sound better. Yeah. And he's got, like, I've heard a few podcasts where he's like,

it's the worst. Yeah, and it would be. And it's shit because you go, I am Jerry Seinfeld. But people go, like, whoa, you know, and you go, I'm just a person. Like, I don't know, you go, I am Jerry Seinfeld, but people go, like, whoa, and you go, I'm just a person. Like, I don't know, you know, yeah. Well, this is what Jan's dealing with. They go, these are the best sticky buns in the world.

The bun baker's boy, the husband, thinks I'm a terrible person, but I'm just so busy. I can't cook and have a job, and I actually suck at baking. I actually think this is a victimless crime. No one is losing in this situation. You're right. Jan gets the praise. We've named her Jan.

We don't know if that's her name. We don't even know if it's a female. But I'm saying she gets the praise. She gets the praise. The other people, they get the buns and they love them and it makes them feel so special. The small business is getting the money from Jan. The restaurant's getting money.

You know. The restaurant's winning. Jan's winning. Jan's winning because she then doesn't have to do it. Jan's friends are winning. Yep. You're right. Who's the loser here?

I actually think this is a victimless crime. I think it's fine. Okay. Tony is pro-lying. No, no. No, no. No. No, it is.

But you know what I mean? And then if she'd been lying for 10 years about, like, something bad or, you know, for 10 years said, like, I actually can't think of what. Do you remember? In that show. That's the first thing. Nathan Fielder? Yeah.

Nathan Fielder? We both hate that show. I couldn't watch it. It made Fielder? Yeah. Nathan Fielder? We both hate that show. I couldn't watch it. It made me so uncomfortable. Yeah. But, like, so this guy, it's in this show, and this guy wants to tell his friends that he's been lying about getting a bachelor's degree.

Yeah. And I was watching that and was like, also, I don't think that's that. Like, who cares? Yeah. Well, I think the issue with that one was that the friend was, like, trying to help him get a job. Yeah, and he was like, I don't have my bachelor's, so I can't do it. He's like, oh, why are you struggling?

Here's a great job. You don't need a bachelor's degree. You've got that. I'll introduce you. And he's like, oh. Yeah. No, that does make sense. But I don't think that any of Jan's friends are going, oh, my God,

you should go on the Great British Bake Off. Have you tried her buns? I'll introduce you to Noel Fielding. You know, like, I don't think that that's going on. Okay. Do you like Noel Fielding? I love Noel Fielding. You know, like I don't think that that's going on. Okay. Do you like Noel Fielding? I love Noel Fielding. So do I.

There is nothing I wouldn't do to Noel Fielding. I know that he's married and I know that he has children and I know that I'm in a long-term committed relationship, but Noel Fielding. Oh, yeah. He just fucking flexes my weird, like, he's just weird. I love him. He just fucking. Do we need some cool water?

Sorry. Yeah. I'm a fan of Noel Fielding. Okay. Here's a question. Question. It's a question for possibly you and also for Jam with the Sticky Buns. Yeah.

Would you take up the offer if someone's like, we've heard that you're the best baker ever with these sticky buns would you like to meet noel fielding and show him about the buns so on one hand you get to meet noel fielding but on the other hand you might look like a fuckhead you don't know in front of noel fielding yeah he's gonna rock up and go apparently got good buns and she's like no i just buy them he them. And he goes, oh. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. But then that could be your only chance to meet him. Yeah, I think I'd do it.

You'd take him up on it? Yeah, I'd do it. Okay, I'll send him a message. And I'd just hope for the best. Australia's best baker, Tony Lodge, is in the area. Yep, happened to be in the zone. And maybe I could just take some in and put them under my apron. Smuggle them in. Smuggle the bums in. Smuggle the buns in.

Smuggle the buns. And then, you know, put them in the oven and warm them up a little bit. Can you say in his voice, Tony, these taste like the cakes from Coles? Tony, those taste like the cakes from Coles. That was good. That sounded like Noel Fielding, I think. Yeah. They taste a bit like the ones you get from Tesco's.

That did sound like Noel Fielding. That was fucking good. The best impressions. I now welcome you to Bartending True Crime. Oh, here we go. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. The bar I work at stays open later than others in the area. Cool.

So you're the last stop for the night? Yep. And that also means that people who work at the other bars will go to that bar for their knockoff drinks. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, hospo drinks. Yep. This one bloke who works at the pub across the street has been coming in when he finished his work for years.

Yep. And multiple times a week he gets absolutely shit-faced. And I think we all know for a fact the people who work in hospo, they know how to give it a good hit, don't they? Yeah. Yeah. One night, I've tried to book him multiple Ubers because usually he's so blind. We're like, all right, time to wrap it up.

Pass me your phone. I'll book you an Uber. That's so annoying, though, because you're like, all right, time to wrap it up. Pass me your phone. I'll book you an Uber. That's so annoying though because you're like, now you're my responsibility because you got so wasted. Yeah. But like he's a good customer. He's a nice guy.

But, yeah, we just got to, you know, and back in the day, we like the barman would call you a cab, that kind of vibe. Yeah. So it's 3 a.m. on a weeknight and there's just like no cars about. Yeah. And he's had a few Ubers cancel on him and I'm getting desperate because I want him to get out and I want to go home. Go home, yep. So I offer to give him a ride.

That's nice. He would tell me where to go. Oh, yeah, just further down here, then turn up at the next left. And then he'd just like pass out because he's that drunk. Open the phone, look at the address in the Uber app. He then wakes up and goes, oh, no, no, we're not in the right spot. No, no. We have to go over there and then head over there.

And then he'd like pass out again. And then so this has happened a few times and they're obviously like, I'm doing you a solid. I'm actually helping you out here. Help me help you. Yeah. And I think it was after the fourth time they were so pissed off, they stopped the car, walked around the back to the passenger side door,

opened the door, pulled him out of the car, and just left him on the street and were like, mate, find an Uber, get a cab, catch a train, whatever, I'm going. And drives off. Was there a point, your mouth is more open than I've ever seen it, which is saying something, but is there a, surely there's a point where you just go, no. I would open the Uber app and look at the address that they had stored

as their home or whatever. But obviously if that wasn't, they couldn't get into the phone, it was like locked or whatever or flat or fucking. I think that if you commit to driving that person home, you've like taken on a duty of care. Right. That in that situation you're like, I've committed to getting you home safe. I need to get you home safe.

I need to complete the task. Yeah. You can't just leave someone on the street and, you know, like. Well, I don't think they were fully unconscious, but they were definitely very drunk. Yeah. You're not going to like the end of this story. You can't just like push them out in the street though.

That's like, don't you agree? Yeah, I just know the next line. Oh, okay. Yeah, keep going. Oh, I do agree. But like after a certain amount of like, no, no, back the other way. Oh, okay. Yeah, keep going. Oh, I do agree. But, like, after a certain amount of, like, no, no, back the other way. Yeah. Because maybe he was, like, being funny, like, trying to take the piss.

Yeah. And it's definitely not your responsibility to be like, look, I'll take you back to my house. You can sleep it off and then go home. Like, that's not your responsibility. He's just a guy from the bar. Like, oh, I'm very torn. I'm Natalie Imbruglia.

Anyway. That was a few months ago and no one has seen him since. And he hasn't come into our bar. And he used to work across the road. He hasn't been back to his bar. Because, again, I was like a week late. I'm like, oh, we haven't seen Old Mate for a while. Yeah. Has he come into work? Yeah, walk over I was like a week late. I'm like, oh, we haven't seen Old Mate for a while. Yeah.

Has he come into work? Yeah, walk over the street. Hey, what are you, Old Mate come in? No, he hasn't come since last Tuesday. And he went, oh, yeah, okay. No one has seen him since I left him on the side of the road. Is he dead? I don't know.

What? Is he dead? Is he dead? Is he dead? Surely someone would have to call his workplace and be like, oh, yeah, like Johnny's passed away. I feel like if someone died, it would go with me on this one. That information is more likely to get out to a workplace, to a family and friends.

But if he just sort of is missing, then it's a bit of a mystery. You don't have to like call next of kin or like there's just sort of and I'm guessing most hospitality, it's like a casual job. It's not like, oh, he just hasn't turned up. Okay, I'll get someone else. It's not as if my desk was empty at 9am and you go, where's Tony gone? Yeah. And so I don't know if he was just like embarrassed

and maybe was like, oh, I can't go back there. Maybe this was the moment he was like, I'm changing industries, I'm not drinking. I'm going to get clean kind of thing. Maybe he's the Prime Minister. Maybe. But it's been a few months and they don't know a thing. And they're going through the like, he was being a dick,

I was trying to get rid of him. Oh, because you're trying to justify your actions. Have I contributed to that? Or has he been, like, taken? Is he, like, being held hostage somewhere? You know, is he, like... Is he a Bond villain? Is he a...

Like... That's awful. I actually don't really know how to react. I haven't seen you this stunned since you didn't hear me blurt out the baby's name the other day. I'm actually, I wonder where that guy is. Do you reckon he's okay? Well, the person was kind of like.

I need to get this off my chest because I don't know. I've got a bit of the guilt. I'm like, this off my chest because I don't know. You've got a bit of the guilt. I'm like, I just want closure. I want to know that something happened. Or even if something bad happened, at least they could like know and deal with that maybe. Do we know like the person's name or have they tried to contact a family member or their emergency contact on their employee form

over the, you know, like. Well, I guess she doesn't work at the other bar. She just walked over and we're like, has he come in? They're like, no, we haven't seen him. And she's like, okay. Like, maybe she doesn't want to out herself. Oh, we haven't seen him since that time I fucking dumped him on the side of the road. 40Ks out of town.

So she's trying to be like, oh, I wonder what happened. Or do you try and like find him on Instagram or Facebook or something and see if he's posted something? You know, like I'm just trying to think of all the things you would do in that scenario. Surely you'd try and track someone down and be like, is he in rehab or is he missing or is he? Maybe he moved to Australia and started dressing like Aladdin in gay bars. Maybe.

This mysterious man. I don't know. I just. The good and bad thing about confessions is there is no follow-up questions because I can't contact them. But I'm trying to ask all the things that people that are listening would go, oh, my God, why didn't you, you know. Okay.

What would you do? Would you go to the cops and file a missing person? Is that your job for some guy who comes to the bar? Isn't that like his family's job or his employer's job? You know what I mean? Like you're just another person that works across the street. I feel like I probably wouldn't go to the police straight away because there's probably no need yet.

I'd say that I would go to the bar and go, hey, do you have their wife, husband, mum, sister, cousin, friend's information? Like who was their – because when you start a job, you like put in emergency contact whatever um or at least get their full name and then maybe you can do a bit of online sleuthing and see what's happened um that's probably my first port of call would be like finding out some friends information of the person um and then if like i contact say say it was you and I end up getting in touch with your wife Bridget and she goes oh yeah like they are missing I would then go to the police and go look I don't know if you

have need any information but this not and I would tell them straight away what I'd done because like you're better like the more information they have they might go oh my god if we know that was their last location we have a shot at finding them maybe somebody around there has a ring doorbell and they've seen that person either get up and walk away or get picked up. I watch a lot of true crime. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. But, you know, like maybe someone's ring doorbell has picked that person,

seen that person get into a cab and then maybe that cab's like rego number or something could be traced and then, you know, ping their phone and shit like that. How much true crime do you watch? Yeah, a lot. Yeah, a lot. Yeah. A good person to, a lot. Yeah. A good person to have in a dangerous scenario.

But that's probably what I would do. I think the best way to finish this story is for us to re-sing the Law and Order tune. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It happened in a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Hope they're okay though. All right, up next, Tony is going to move. Hi, this is Kenzie Blackthorpe from Essex in the UK

and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Evan Collins, love to see it. Thanks, Ev. Are you sick? Blade Thorn, he only approved the other day. He was your, you love to see it. He's your infection.

Kendra Lancaster, thank you so much. Paige Bernisa, Nathaniel R. Adams and James Patterson. Absolutely love to see it. Thanks for being here. Thanks, James. Appreciate it. So I think I need to move. Okay. But I also need some advice which might prevent me needing to,

you know, buy boxes from Bunnings. Okay. Buy boxes from Bunnings. How much do you hate moving on your, like, you know, top ten things you hate in life? That admin of moving is repulsive because it's not only packing and unpacking and cleaning and whatever, it's also like turning the power off, switching the power on at the new place, moving the internet.

I'm still trying to get out of the gas meter from our last house. You haven't paid your gas meter. I haven't lived there for six months. And they go, well, gas is still being used. You go, yeah, probably from the new people that live there. Yeah. And they've set up an account. So you've currently got two accounts leading to the same address.

It's actually not my fault. I see you're aware of my current predicament. Mm-hmm. Oh, it is just, it's so admin heavy that you would want to just protect anybody from doing. I actually, I've never like really cared about owning a house. Like it's not really something I've ever worried about but i understand why people buy houses because if you buy a house you're probably gonna live there for a while and probably don't have to move for a while and that sounds pretty good i do believe that's the main reason yeah because you just you got you

go in there benefits of home ownership yeah well you don't have to reconnect the gas because you just stay there you just stay there forever and you stay there forever. And you go, okay, that's actually fine. If I never have to call the fucking gas company again, then I'm in. So I'm going to rewind us back in time a little bit just to set up this story. A couple of weeks ago or last week, something, I had a book launch. Yes. So I wrote a book. Yep.

And we were kind of having this little event where you and I, Ryan, were having a little like Q&A. Yep. And then we got to have a meet and greet afterwards and take selfies with people. I signed heaps of books. In a nice little cute bookstore in the city. It was very fun.

It was gorgeous. And it was in the city, as you just said, at about, I think it started at six. So it's like peak hour time trying to get in the city, as you just said, at about, I think it started at six. So it's like peak hour time trying to get into the city. And at the moment, like around our house, kind of getting Ubers and stuff, it should be easy, but it's a pain in the ass. And so we're kind of, I like was ready to go.

And I said to Torbs, my partner, I was like, are you coming? And he goes, yeah, yeah. And I was like, because I want to leave home probably no later than like quarter past five or whatever. And he goes, yep, yep, yep, that's fine. I'll get ready and that'll be no worries. I'm like, all right. It gets to quarter past five.

I'm like, cool, like can we go? And he's like, oh, hang on. I just need to like check one thing or just hang on, like just need to grab this one thing. Or like, oh, actually, I think I will wear a belt. One second. And I'm like, I can't be late to this event because it's mine. It's your event.

You know? Yep. Could you imagine me hosting and asking you questions and just you not being there? And me not being there. What are you going to do, hold me up on FaceTime and just, like, hope for the best? Actually, I don't mind that idea.

We could have done that. All right. Well, it's good to know that that's in the back pocket for next time. So I'm kind of, like, a little bit frazzled because even though I'd built extra time into our schedule, I was just like, you told me that you'd be ready at quarter past. We went to leave.

So I live in an apartment building. So we went to leave. I walked out the door first and Torbs walked behind me. And normally when our front door shuts, the door, like, locks automatically behind you. Yeah, it makes that sound. And as I was walking down the hallway, I was like, the door didn't make that sound.

And Torbz was like, no, it didn't, did it? So he walked back but I'd kind of walked up to someone else's front door and then, like, just stood there and Torbz was trying to fix our door. Like, the lock had just gotten a bit sticky. He literally needed to like open it, jiggle the thing and then it worked. It was fine. So you're just loitering in the apartment hallway. I'm just standing in the hallway.

Yeah. And I'm standing in the hallway in front of like, so say we are 305, I'm standing in front of the door at 306. Yeah. And the 306, I hear them like open their, and I kind of turn and look at the door, and they're just, like, standing in their front door, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'm not, like, hanging out at your door.

I'm just waiting for my boyfriend. It seems like you're hanging out at their door. Because it looks like I was just, like, lurking in the fucking hallway. You were like, did you order Uber Eats? Yeah. Yeah, was this for Sammy? Well, you know, whatever. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.

And this person just kind of like gave me a bit of a blank look and was just like, what? Like just so confused. I was like, I'm so sorry. And because we were running late, I was like, can we go? We kind of sprinted out the front door. We were waiting for our Uber. And the person who I'd bumped into kind of walked out behind us

and like walked over to the tram or something. And I was like, how fucking embarrassing. I've just bumped into, kind of walked out behind us and, like, walked over to the tram or something. And I was like, how fucking embarrassing. I've just bumped into that guy. And I've seen him again. You know when you see someone lots of times in the supermarket? I saw the supermarket. Yeah, the worst. The worst.

And you say hi at the ice cream, then you say hi again at the muesli, and then you say hi again at the coffee. And then I will go to another supermarket. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, and so I've seen him kind of more than once. And I was like, my God, how embarrassing. And I was like, and this guy thinks I'm literally like a lurking bitch from just the hallway.

Well, he doesn't think that. He knows that because you were lurking. He knows that because I was being a lurking bitch. Yeah. And because he's like my direct next door neighbour, like obviously. So literally next door. Literally next door. So like when his dogs bark, they're like next, like, you know,

could not be closer. There's one sheet of glass that mutes, like muted glass that like is between us. He's heard some things. Probably. Anyway, so we finally, the Uber finally comes. We arrive at the book launch and I walk in and I'm talking to the people who are like hosting the event for us. And you were two minutes behind me. So I'd kind of been standing there for a second.

And in walks my neighbour. The guy. Into the book launch. What's he doing there? He's there for the book launch. And I kind of, Torbs is standing next to me, and obviously he's seen this whole thing happen. He's seen the whole commotion.

And then I go, that's the guy that lives next door. And I was like, that is so embarrassing. Like, because first of all, the lurking bitch from the fucking hallway. And he was there and I was like, oh, my. What's more embarrassing is you forked out cash for an Uber and he got there just as fast on a tram. Yeah. So I was like, we could have split that.

We could have gone halves and got here at the same time. Anyway, so I'm kind of like in disbelief that this person I've just fallen over in my hallway is at this event. I'm like, maybe their girlfriend has dragged them along. Maybe, you know, maybe they're not the sort and he didn't even know. Maybe he doesn't know who I am. Yeah. And it's just a huge coincidence.

Anyway, so we start the event off and you kind of go, all right, like here's Tony blah blah blah and I go, oh my god, the most embarrassing thing happened on the way here. I tripped over my neighbour when I was on my way here and that's him right there. Here he is. And he was sitting at the front on the floor. I know, loving it. He was lovely

and we'll go to him later. No, so this is the thing, right? He's not lovely. So, no no no, he's absolutely lovely. He's lovely to go well hang on a second no so after we do the q a and we're having a chat we've got our microphones and whatever and after that we went to the counter of the bookstore and everyone lined up to do this meet and greet signing books whatever and we're kind of chatting to all these people and then he's the next person in line and he walks walks over and I'm like, all right,

I need to know whether this guy is the fan or whether he's being dragged here by his girlfriend. Yeah. It is very common at the meet and greets for the plus one. For there to be a partner or a friend that's come for, you know, moral support. Begrudging best friend. It turns out that he and his girlfriend are both massive fans of the pod

and they've both bought the book. I signed a book each for them and stuff. And as he's walking towards us, I walk towards, I kind of meet him and I walk out from around the counter and I go, mate, I feel like I need to properly introduce myself. I'm Tony Lacks. And he goes, hey, I'm Blah. Yeah.

Fake name. Okay. Was Blah not his real name? If I'm lucky,ackson. And he goes, hey, I'm Blah. Yeah. Fake name. Okay. Was Blah not his real name? I'm lucky you clarified that. I just wanted to let everyone know, don't Google Blah. He's not going to come up. Blah 307. We have a nice old chat.

He's got quite a, I wouldn't say it's a common name. Okay. Well, I haven't heard any other Blahs. Blahs, yeah, right? So it's not a common one. My name's Blah. We have a whole chat. heard any other Blahs. Blahs, yeah, right? So it's not a common one. My name's Blah. We have a whole chat. Is it called Blahs, eh?

I sign his book, like, to Blah. Good seeing you, neighbour. Ha-ha. Give him the book. Sign his girlfriend's book as well. Lovely to meet them, whatever. See you later tonight. Ha-ha.

Yeah, see you later, Blah. Ha-ha. And then, you know, did the classic, oh, we'll split an Uber home, kind of thing, whatever. Anyway, and then we all, we finished up the event. We all went out for dinner. And then Torbs and I in the Uber on the way home, I go, oh, my God, how funny that guy from next door was there.

And Torbs goes, yeah, how funny. And I was like, yeah, his name's blah. And Torbz goes, not blah. And I was like, what do you mean? And he goes, remember that note on the door the other day? What? Right. How could you?

Yeah. What note? Let me fucking tell you. So like two weeks ago. How did you not remember a note? Note something that you wouldn't remember? Mate, I know. And I am like a stickler for details.

I know. So like two weeks ago. So probably like two weeks before the event. I got home and there was flowers on the bench with like a card. And I went in and I was like, oh, who were they for or from or whatever? And Torbs goes, oh, I assumed they were for you. I haven't opened the card. And I was like, oh, okay.

He goes, they were at the door when I came in. Our door, not the front door, our door. And because we live in like this apartment building, you need like a fob, like a key. To every level. Thing to every. I know, mate. When I come to visit you.

I know. It's a whole, it's like fucking Fort Knox. And you can't, so I obviously can access all the buildings, all the garages, whatever, but I couldn't get onto a floor that's not mine. Yeah. Like, so say I live on level seven, I can't get to one, two, three, four, five or six. Yep.

So I'm like, they were at the door and Tors goes, the door, like our door. And I was like, so it's someone who lives on our floor? Fucking weird, right? Okay. Weird. And I open the card and these gorgeous purple flowers. I open the card and it says, congratulations, blah, love you, XXX.

So it's the neighbour. It's for the neighbour. Well, it says, congratulations, exclamation mark, blah, exclamation marks, love you, XXX. So hang on, is it for blah or from blah? Well, so it's hard to tell, isn't it? Because of the grammar used in the note. And it's like a handwritten note, so it's not whatever. Congratulations, blah. Congratulations, blah!

So if you've just written a book, I could be like congratulations, Tony. Or if I'm giving the flowers I could be like congratulations, Tony. Or if I'm giving the flowers, I can be like, congratulations, Ryan. Yeah. So I don't know. Right. Which one is it? Yeah.

So when it happened, I didn't want to post on our Facebook group because I was like, I don't really want to post and be like, these are at my door and out like what number I live at. Right. Because like, you know, there's fucking 300 people in that group. That's so weird. And so I was like, you know what? And this is very unlike me. I was like, you know, there's fucking 300 people in that group. Like, that's so weird. And so I was like, you know what? And this is very unlike me.

I was like, who cares? This is very off-brand. And I threw them out. Tony. I don't even have a photo of them as proof or anything because I was just like, I can't deal with that. So my- You didn't put them in a vase and let them sit for a week?

No, I didn't even enjoy them. I was just like, I can't deal with that, whatever. So my question is, have I caused a breakup? Have I caused a fight? Because he goes, well, I left you. Like maybe his roommate or girlfriend goes, I left you flowers. He goes, no, you didn't. But anyone that knows him would know that that's not his house

because it's not the same number. We don't live in the same house. Well, she, if she's visiting, wouldn't drop them off at the wrong door. Right. Is it him congratulating you on the book? But it looks as though it's like, congratulations, blah. Have I said the name at any point? No.

Good. It's not as if it says, you know. Yeah. So I'm kind of now thinking, should I message this guy? You should go knock on the door. Or knock on the door and be like, bro, look, obviously we just met the other day. I'm really sorry.

I got flowers the other day that I'm pretty sure were for you and I didn't know your name then. I didn't make the connection. I couldn't be bothered fucking sleuthing out whose flowers they were. But I'm like, really? I feel so bad because now I know I'm Anna's lovely guy. Anna's lovely guy. All right, first of all, when you go and knock on the door,

which you should. Do you reckon it's a door knock situation or like find him on IG? I reckon finding him on IG is probably weirder. Oh, is that weirder? Door. Oh, okay, door. We live next door. Oh, I was just walking past by the way.

Yeah. I mean, you could just sing out over the back thing of the courtyard. Nah, not doing that. Because when I was at your house the other day, I think he was watching my Instagram stories. Yeah, so. Because I could hear my voice coming over from the courtyard next door and I was like, oh, that's weird.

Yeah. Okay, first of all, when you retell him your version of events, please leave out the part where you said, I was confused so I just threw them in the bin. Because what could happen is he goes, oh, congratulations on the book, just thought I'd leave you some nice flowers. And then you've just fucked them off into the skip. Well, I didn't do that. I enjoyed them for a full

week. I remember coming around and seeing them on the bench and saying, oh, they look beautiful. I put them in a lovely vase. Lovely purple flowers, which I did already say. Imagine buying flowers for someone and they go, oh, I didn't get it so I fucked them, threw them out. Just just in case and i love flower like i love fresh flowers i think i was just like i don't understand that fuck it off i must have been tired and i was just the person in the

bar if i take responsibility for these yeah then it's my job to fit and i'm not it also felt like a bit dirty enjoying someone else's flower i was was like, well, they're not for me. Oh, that's where you and I differ. Do you know what I mean? Flowers, I'd enjoy them. Yeah, I should have. These aren't for me, but look at the purple in those petals. They were lovely.

They were gorgeous. That's what I'm saying about. They were just from like coal, so it wasn't as if – no, which is not a problem, but I'm saying it's not as if they were an $80 box of flowers or something. They were like, you know, $9 or something. They had the price on them. That's fine.

I'm not being snobby. That makes me sound like I'm being really snobby. I'm more mean. It's not as if they were like a proper florist bunch of flowers. I probably would have put a bit more effort in. Man, cost of living is high. No, I know it is. That could have been someone's last $9.

I know. And you know what? So do you think I should reach out and offer the $9? No, you know what I'll do? I won't talk to anyone. I'll just buy the same flowers, scribble another note, and I'll just put them at his door and hope for the best. First of all, don't give the $9.

That's like the strangest of all the outcomes. It's not even $10. It's weird. It's like $5 and a bit of change. But it's not about the money. Yeah. But you just said, what if it was their last $9? You've made it about the money. Because they care about you.

You're worth a lot. They want to give you the gift. Or they wanted to give someone a gift. Well, but that's the thing. Like, is it from him or for him? That's what I want to know. That's the mystery to me. Okay.

I've changed my tune. Don't knock on the door. All right. Because he's got a unique name, it means, in theory, I want to know. That's the mystery to me. Okay. I've changed my tune. Don't knock on the door. All right. Because he's got a unique name, it means in theory he should be easy to find in the building Facebook group or on Instagram. Yeah. I think I'd be able to find him on Instagram because he obviously follows at least you.

He was watching your story the other day. That is quite true. So I think that because of the not super common name, I think I'd be able to find him. Can we call him on the show? Yeah, maybe. I feel like we all need to find out together in real time. I really don't because I imagine if his mate or someone has gone,

you know when you don't want to be like, did you get the flowers? Because you don't want to be like, you didn't say thank you. So you just kind of wait. He thinks you took those flowers and were a bitch. No. And then he caught a tram to your book. But the thing is, I don't know if they were for him or from him. So there's probably someone waiting for him to be like,

oh, bro, thank you so much for those flowers. Thanks for the flowers. Now they think he's an arsehole because you stole his flowers. But the thing is, is that if they were from him for me. When he bumped into you, what? Like, I'd never met this person before. This was two weeks before the event. I didn't know.

But surely when he bumps into the event, he'd be like, did you get the flowers? Congrats on the book. He didn't say that. He didn't say that. I don't know. Oh. But now that you've said this.

But why would you put. And if your friend listens to the pod and the flowers. They both listen, yeah. Yeah, but maybe the flowers are from his mistress. I'm going to call. And you've said it. I'm causing a ruckus. I'm causing a literal ruckus.

Maybe it's from her mistress. Oh, no. He wouldn't send flowers to him. No. No. And because I don't think. I don't know if she lives there. So if she was sleeping with someone on the side,

I don't think he would send them to her boyfriend's house. Yeah, no. You know what I'm saying? You watch True Crime. I don't watch True Crime. I don't know how these things work. What I do know is that I can't sleep until I know who these flowers were for and what they were for.

We'll get to the bottom of it. Yeah, I think we'll either call him or we'll reach out. We'll see what, yeah, and we'll were for. We'll get to the bottom of it. Yeah, I think we'll either call him or we'll reach out, we'll see what, yeah, and we'll find out. Or I'll knock on the door and maybe, you know, maybe. Anyway, isn't that crazy? Should Cam and I dress up as ladies? I don't think we need that. Okay.

I'll keep offering, though, because we did look great. Let's do what you love to see it before tony has to move countries yep um oh this is great yep my favorite part of kitchen nightmares says scott is when the person who applied to kitchen nightmares gets surprised and offended when gordon ramsay tells them their kitchen is a nightmare. And I agree with Scott. Yeah, I agree too. Don't crack the sads and get butt hurt. You applied to a show called Kitchen Nightmare.

Did you not watch the previous season? Did you Google it? Do you not know what it's about? Do you go to YouTube to get a vibe? Do you know what you are if you didn't do your research? A dickhead. An idiot sandwich. An idiot sandwich.

Of course, of course. Yeah, that is great. I love to say that. Scott, thanks for bringing it to my attention because I actually think they're like, do they pretend? Oh, no, Gordon Ramsay's changed tack. It's called like Beautiful Stories from Suburban Cafe. Oh, bring the crew in.

Or does everyone think they're going to be the exception? Do they apply to it and go, he's going to come in here and not find a thing wrong? And the producers go, yeah, so every season we have like a good one. You know, like. And you're going to be the good one. Yeah. Great.

And they go, oh my God. You'll love the frozen cod. And then they're like, yeah, what do you mean you don't like that we're serving eggs from six months ago? You know, like, and they just, you know. Yeah. It's very funny that you bring up a kitchen nightmare. My You Love to See It is also a kitchen nightmare. Really?

So Tigger Mac, who you would have seen on her cakes on TikTok before, she decorates cakes. She's actually a big fan of the pod. Okay. .comrads on Instagram. We've spoken before. And she shared, so I'm just going to. Tony's covering us.

Oh, yeah. She shared this bluey cake that she made. Oh, is that her original? Yeah. Because I've seen it. Yeah. So she made this bluey cake that she made. Was that her original? Yeah. Because I've seen it. Yeah. So she made this bluey cake. We'll share this in the Facebook group.

Yep. She shared this bluey cake and how to make it. It's a beautiful cartoon character in the Australian illustrated... It's worldwide now, right? What have you fucking got going on over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's an Australian cartoon.

It's a little dog. It's adorable. And someone has tried to replicate Tigger Mac's creation. And I laughed about this for about half an hour. Are you ready for this? No, I'm actually not. Here is what she made. Oh, my God.

That is easily the shittest thing I've ever seen. It is so horrifying. It is, like, terrifying. It's not just a terrible job at cake, but it's actually like the dog is possessed by the devil. It's nightmare fuel. It's nightmare fuel, like 100%. But do you know what I did love, though?

Nailed it! Actually. But the person's, like, given it a go and gone, well, how hard can it be? And, like, given it a fucking red hot crack. And I love to see that, but it did give me a very good laugh. I often wonder the tipping point of how these things go viral because obviously Old Mate posted on their personal Instagram

and they just did some begging. Is it one of their, is it their friends that start going, oh, hey, sweetie. No, I actually think that the fuck up cake that the mum might have like stitched with Tigger's TikTok to be like, look how badly I did. Because if you did that badly at something, you'd share it. I share about how badly I do at stuff all the time. But do you reckon they just, oh, so they didn't just share it,

just be like, oh, I tried the cake, here it is. I think that they've gone, wow, look how badly this can go. Don't tell me it's easy. Or is it a compliment and you go, you've made this look so easy, look at this abomination I've created. But anyway, I love to see that. We'll share that in our Facebook group today. Yep.

All right. Have a great day, everyone. Tomorrow, a deep dive, an investigation. If you're a vaper or you know someone who does vaping, we need your help tomorrow. Yeah. That's all I can fucking say. All right, we'll see you tomorrow.

Love you, bye.