Toni and Ryan - Toni is a Bottom

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

Aussie translations and nappy competitions. Love ya! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello, welcome. Whoa. Start with a smile. Start with a smile. Bring pleasure and smiles to the world. Make your smile last the whole damn dial. If this is the first time listening to Tony and Ryan.

We promise we don't do that. We don't do that. Actually, ever. Ever. We've never done that before. So I'm sorry and I hope you've made it through that. Let's call Maddie Craig who lives in Sydney. Maddie Craig.

Maddie. Maddie. Maddie. Maddie. M-A-D-D-Y. I heard you say, yeah, Maddie Craig. Maddie? Matty. Maddie. Maddie. M-A-D-D-Y. I heard you like, yeah, Maddie Craig. Maddie. Maddie.

Big M. Why don't you give her one of those? Hello? Maddie. Hello. Hi, Maddie. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing?

I'm fabulous, except I have COVID, but I'm still fabulous because I get to talk to you guys. Matt, sorry about the COVID. Yeah. How bad have you got it? Because my wife copped it brutally a few weeks ago. Yeah, and she got COVID as well. Yeah.

Yeah, it was brutal. It was brutal. I'm on the other end of it, though. Okay, great. I'm on the other side. Also, let me know, Maddie, that you're probably going to go down in history as one of the only people that snorted during their approval. I snorted all of them, Maddie, so don't feel bad.

Well, I hope you get well soon and do you approve today's podcast? Absolutely, I do. Oh, from her sick deathbed, she's approved. And her final words were, I approve this podcast. I approve. Thank you. Hi, this is Maddie from Sydney and I approve this podcast. Happy new week, everyone. Oh, Beth will be on that like bloody nothing else. Do you reckon Beth regrets piping up?

No, we love Beth and everyone's welcoming her. I love Beth, but do you think Beth loves her? She's simply the Beth. Coming up today. Happy Monday. Happy Monday. Atapa has completed a New Year's resolution. And you never really hear that, do you?

You don't. Not this early. But you hear everyone making the, I'm just going to say a word, and you're going to, I don't think it's exactly, but you know what I'm going for. Everyone makes a proclamation at the start of the year about their, about their New Year's. But then you just never hear about it because obviously we don't do it.

Well, yeah, there's no closure. Today we're celebrating and I'm going to say it's a very Tony Lodge-esque New Year's resolution. I like that. It's from Mark and we'll get there soon. But first, welcome to Australia, everyone. Welcome. G'day. Sorry, we should say.

G'day, Cobb. G'day, mate. Yeah, what's a pie cost? Now, what does a pie cost? About four bucks. Is that a joke? Oh, it's just one of those, like, we say stuff, you know, like so people go like, oh, what's a pie cost?

They go, I don't know. I don't know. What is a pie cost? Not like what does a pie cost? Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. See, this is where I'm getting at. Yeah. And for the first few years of this podcast,

we used to describe Australian tarpers as rare Australian tarpers. Which we had to stop doing. We had to stop doing our hot fun garbage. When 5,000 people showed up and we were like, oh, my God, there's a few of you actually. Data chat, about 40% Australian. Wow. 30-something percent American.

Are we allowed to share that information? I just don't mention it. Yeah. No one asks. No one tells. But for the 60% not Australian, there's a few more sayings we need to update you on. Oh. We've done this a few times, but I feel like there's some new stuff or some older stuff

that just needs to be straightened out. I was about to say, are we doing like zillennial Aussie chat? No, because I wouldn't know that either. And instead of- And I don't want to know it. And I, no. Because what was one of the last ones? Finna. And that's like Ghana.

So is there a different Australian version of Finna? So we've got a babysitter that helps out. Oh, yeah. Emma is her name. Hi, Emma. And Emma is. She's got a hot boyfriend, doesn't she? She does have a hot boyfriend.

And I'm not. At liberty to say what he does for work. Or emasculated by him in any way. Something broke at home. She goes, I told my boyfriend to come around and fix that. And I was like, no. No. I'll pay someone to do this.

I don't want your mate coming around to bloody help us. But if he does, make sure he's overdressed, as in like multiple shirts and jumpers. Bridget and I might head out for the day. I'll take Bridget out. I'll take Bridget out. But anyway, she is 20 and she, Emma's her name, will say some like zillennial stuff.

But you know how we say it like ironically? Yeah, but she's like, oh, my God, that baby food's lit. I don't know. Oh, my God. You sound so old. But, yeah, she says some stuff and me and Bridget go, we're so old. Or you're like, yeah, while you're like discreetly Googling

to the side. Is there an urban dictionary? Is there an urban dictionary but a zillennial dictionary? So I can type in what they say and it says what it means? Well, urban dictionary is for people of all ages, isn't it? You could just. But I thought it was only for like dirty things. No, no, no, no, no.

You can urban dictionary anything. I've banned urban dictionary since you tried to figure out what a cream pipe was. Yeah. That video is going hard online though. Don't say going hard. Anyway. What's it called when your website remembers where you've looked before? History?

Yeah. So I typed in Urban Dictionary and it's like, oh, cream pie just here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lucky you. Not really. Let's get into today's settings. Gosh.

Tony Lodge. Mm-hmm. In Australia, if you crop dust a bunch of people, what have you done? Like farted and then walked away. Like, or if you're walking through a group of people, you do a little fart as you walk through, but then you pass on through. You don't break stride. Yeah. You just crop dust them and then they go, oh, who was that?

And you're gone. But you're already out of there. Yeah. Or, you know, when you're like walking through the supermarket with someone, like and then they obviously fart as they're walking, but you're behind them so you're in the updraft of everything. And you're like, was that you? And they go, oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot you were on my tail.

Like I thought you were right behind me. And then they go, yeah, you've crop dusted me. Yeah. I think there was a. It's a foul image that the term in your mind is. Yeah. I think there was a crop dusting teacher. Was that in a confession a few weeks ago?

Yeah, actually that does ring a bell. So they like crop dusted some of the students in the back row and just kept moving and then the students were like, oh, who's that? And she's like, oh, kids, what is going on? You got to get one over them sometimes, don't you? In Australia, if you describe someone as a showbag, what does that mean? Full of candy? No, but the first two words correct.

Oh, they're a real showbag. I've never heard that. It's when they're like like, full of shit. Like, you know how someone's always talking a big game? Oh, because a show bag's full of, like, garbage that you'd never use. Yeah. Oh! So when someone comes in, I assume with finger guns.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, hey, bro, we're going to fucking do this. Yeah, they're a bit of a fucking show bag. Yeah. Do you know what's funny, though, is that we're trying to fucking do this. Oh, they're a bit of a fucking show bag. Yeah. Do you know what's funny, though, is that we're trying to help our non-Australian listeners with this. But do you remember last year that story went viral about how they were like, what the fuck's a show bag?

What are they doing at shows over there? Well, I think like a school fair or like a fete or something, they just don't have that. But it's like, yeah, it's like a little goodie bag. You buy it and you'll buy like a Cadbury one and we'll have like a Cadbury hat that falls apart the first time you wear it. And then like six little dairy milks or like. Yeah.

Some are 50 bucks, some are five bucks. Yeah. So I remember getting a Hannah Montana show bag when that show was real big and it had a wig in it. Like, you know how she like famously wears that blonde wig? It had a wig in it. Like, you know how she, like, famously wears that blonde wig? It had a wig in it and it was so shocking that, like, and I was, like, I was thinking that I'm going to go to the show, buy this, and then, like, people are going to be like,

oh, she's a blonde. Like, I'm thinking that, like. Who's that new girl at school? Yeah. Like, I'm actually not even joking. I'm going to Hannah Montana them. What would be your opposite name? Oh, I'm really trying to think of a name that rhymes with a state.

Hannah – oh, no, that's Montana. Nexus, Texas is the right one. Alexis, Texas. I think that's a thing. Maybe I've heard that before. That's a porn star. Oh, that's a porn star. James is very quick on the porn references.

Yeah, okay, James. I like Alexis Alexis Texas though. Canada, Canada. That would be mine. Canada, Canada. Okay. If someone's done a Harold Holt. Oh, no, well, you can't say that.

Like drowned. Or it just says gone missing. Because we don't know that about Harold Holt. Well, yeah. Let me just bring everyone up. Yeah. In Australia, a prime minister called Harold Holt went into the ocean and was never seen again.

Never seen again. Some people think he drowned. Some people think the Russian submarine came and like took him. Yeah, there's like a lot of conspiracy theories about it. There's been shark chat. But you know how the country, and this is like took him. Yeah, there's like a lot of conspiracy theories about it. There's been shark chat. But you know how the country, and this is like a serving prime minister, the person who, like the president. Like he was our leader.

Yeah. And. It actually sounds like we're having a yarn. This is true. Australia named a swimming pool in his honour. To honour him. They fucking named a swimming pool after him. The Harold Holt Swimming Centre.

We did a thing there for Kiss. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. Yeah. Why did Australia do that? It is just a horrible, sick joke. Of all the things that we've done as a nation, that's fucking, you know.

Rental crisis, not great. What we did to Harold Holt Disgusting Just all like Fucking read the room Like Guys Fuck me Anyway

So if someone's done a Harold Because the thing is Some people claim that the stress is being Hang on Let me just take a step back Like has he kind of like Don't we all have a dream that like When stuff gets a bit busy

We could just like Dip out Yeah just like Or you go Go into the outback for a we could just, like. Dip out. Yeah, just, like. Or you go, oh, no. Go into the outback for a few years and just, like, hang out. Yeah, you just kind of, like, you get your Hannah Montana wig and you move to a new city. Imagine saying Harold Holt but as a blonde and then being like,

oh, my God, is that Alexis Texas? Is that Hannah Canada? Is that Smeensland Queensland? And I go, I've got the same wig. Did you get it at the show? Did you get that from a Salvo shop? I donated it and it would have been expensive. Because I thought the, he went for, I think he actually,

the stress has got, and he just like went and retired to the, I don't want to say to the farm because that sounds like when a dog goes to the farm, but literally just like got a property in the outback and kind of just. I wouldn't be surprised. Like it seems to me more likely that, cause they never obviously recovered any evidence of him passing away or whatever.

I was like, when there's a shark attack, like there's evidence after. Yeah. Often. Yeah. But anyway, yeah.

So it's like a bit of a mystery, but naming a pool after him, like has to just. Be right up there. You're joking. That's fuckness. Yeah. Your fuckness.

So I think like, say on the work site. Yeah. When everyone's fuckness. Yeah. Your fuckness. So I think like say on the work site. Yeah. When everyone's busy working. Yeah. And then fucking Carl goes, oh, I've got to get a coffee. And then you don't see him for the day. And you go, what happened to that bloke?

Yeah. Harold Hall. Yeah. Or it's like when you dip out of a party without saying goodbye. Smoke bomb. Yeah. Like you just fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. This is hard. What is it? What's a Moe? Sorry. If we ever do video shows every day, you won't be able to do that shit anymore. I 100% will. And who fucking, how dare you?

Couldn't agree more. Yeah. What's a Moe Oyster? Moe Oyster? Yeah, you won't get this. Is it Moe like the yuck way that people say Moet and Chandon? No, it's not the wine. The Bogan way of saying champagne.

It's not the Chardonnay or the sparkling. It's the town of Moet. It's not a Chardonnay and it's not a sparkling. Moet is like, that's the real deal. That's champagne from the champagne, you know, that sparkling Caldeconti. They're in the Yarra Valley. Moet. like, that's the real deal. That's champagne from the Champagne, you know, that sparkling Caldeconti. They're in the Yarra Valley. Moet. Chandon.

Isn't that legit champagne, Moet? I didn't know. Is it Australian? I thought that Moet was like, because everyone said Moet and then everyone was like, no, it's Moe or Moet or whatever. But it's Moet. That's legit. There's a Shandon.

We read an ad for them once and they were like, it's Moet. I was like, it's not. I'm telling you it's not. Oh, no, it is from France. Yeah, I think it's like legit champagne. Yeah. Anyway, it's not that. You're saying, what's Moe?

Is that a town? Yeah, it's a town in like regional Victoria where like. Moowi Oyster. We've got some beautiful towns and it's just like not known for being one of them. Um, Mowi Oyster I'm thinking it's something to do with a vagina. Like a little pussy thing. No. That's very

hilarious that you just said that. I'll just tell you because you won't get it. It's when you cut a dim sim in half and put it on the barbecue. Oh, and that's fucking elite. That is fucking delicious. My brother, oh, my God. So he makes like a, he stirs up like sriracha and soy sauce, dips the dim, like cuts it in half, dip the dim sim in that

and then do that on the BBQ and fuck me right up. It's good. I'll take a Moe Oyster actually. Someone fucking get them on the BBQ now. I think that's supposed to be like almost a derogatory, like having fun at Moe. Be like, oh, Moe Oyster. Yeah, dim sim on the barbie.

Yeah. Oh, no, that's fucking yum. Move me to Moe, says Tony Lodge. Literally. I'll have a Moe in a Moe. Thank you very much. A champagne and a fucking dimmer. Yum. That actually sounds elite. A moe and a moe. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. A champagne and a fucking dimmer. Yum.

That actually sounds elite. A moe with a moe. Yeah. Let's make it happen. Should we do that? Let's make it happen. The double moe day or something. 100%.

Have you had a barbecue at your house yet? Yeah. I've got bits built in. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah.

Have we got a barbecue? No, but that's why I rang a bell because I knew there was something going on. It's built in. Have you got a gas bottle for the barbecue? It's on the mains. Oh, that is nice. Yeah. She's doing okay.

She's doing okay. Plumbed in. But I'm out in the country, but I do have a mains barbecue. Don't fucking say that. Yeah, I'm out in Maui, actually. I was going to say. The other day I was Maui me lawn. We'll get to that probably later in the week,

but Tony has actually, like that's not a joke. She was Maui-ing her lawn because she is a domestic. Queen. I'm actually the fucking, I'm the garden queen of our street. Can you start a new TikTok account? Tony's lawn. Yeah. Tony L lawn. Yeah. Tony launch.

Yes. I'm so sorry about that face. No, no. Please no one look at that. That's the kind of person who's into lawns, who's into mowing oysters, who's a suburban goddess. Yeah. Tony's into mowing lawns.

Do you know what else I think I want to do this year? Christmas lights on the house. I think, yeah. And you know what I think we should do? this year? Christmas lights on the house. I think, yeah. And you know what I think we should do? And then fuck, this is different chat. We will go into this. Someone write this down and we'll revisit in November, but continue. But don't you think it would be good if I like hyped up the street

and the street did it? Yeah. And we were one of those streets people went to? Yeah, but then you'd have to tell everyone what street you live in. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, we're not going to do what street you live in. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, we're not going to do that then. All right, let's do the next one.

Sookie Lala. Oh, having a little bit of a Sookie Lala. Yeah. And it's not in a supportive way. No. It's like you're being a real Sookie Lala. But I think, have we as a society moved on from calling someone a Sookie Lala? A hundred percent.

Because I read this and I was like, no, sometimes I will sookie lala it up. But also, like, who's so good that they never are a bit vulnice? Yeah. You know what I mean? Don't call me a sookie lala. No, I don't like that. But, yeah, it means like, oh, new baby. It's like a nasty way.

Actually, I know where it's still appropriate. Oh, here we go. No, no, legit. When an athlete's always complaining to the referee, like everything they, oh, he pushed me, and they're like, oh, Sookie Lala. That'll hit you hard when you're trying to be a masculine athlete. And someone goes, hey, why don't you just focus on your game, mate, and stop being a Sookie Lala.

But I still don't think that's Sookie Lala. I'm just like, oh, a good workman doesn't blame his tools. You know what I mean? Like if you're going to do it, just do it. it now this is a tricky one but i think you might get it okay in australia what is a bachelor's handbag um a roast chicken from coles yeah yeah and i fucking love me a bachelor's handbag same yeah same nothing better so is it just because it's such an easy meal oh and. And it's delicious? Yeah.

So the joke being just like a single bloke that doesn't know how to cook will just go take the bachelor's handbag down there? Oh, but also like I'm in a relationship and we do it quite often. There's actually nothing better than a hot chook and a little roll like when you like down the beach or like on a hot night. Now that you've moved into the country town of the inner north, have you found your like go-to chicken place? There's a place, a chicken place near us called El Janna. Sounds like El Janna.

It does sound like El Janna. So where do you like to dine out? Oh, no, I wouldn't eat out at El Janna. I'm in a relationship. We haven't been there though, but they have like a drive-thru, which is a bit crazy. Yeah, El Drive-thru. Yeah.

But we've looked at the menu all the time. El Giant on the drive-thru. You don't have to get out of the car. No, you don't actually even get out of the car. That's my new local. I will drive from my small country town to your small country town just so I don't have to get out of the car. The best, my favourite chicken place though is Chargrilled Charlie's.

So now we just do a little hot chook from Woolies or Coles. Yeah. The ones from Coles are better than Woolies though, I reckon. Well, you would say that because you're a Coles girl through and through. Did you do the chickens? Yeah, they're in the deli. You put them all on in the morning. I didn't think I could love Tony Lodge anymore.

Yeah, I'm making mean chicken. Fucking hell. Get me an Elgine. Do you want to come around for Elgina? Yeah, we'll get some chicken as well. Hi, it's Maddie from Sydney and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Yeah. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. You can check out our Patreon anytime.

All the links are in our show notes. And we'll be doing, for champion tapas, hopefully these guys will be involved, we'll be doing like our monthly live stream very soon. We'll come up with a little theme idea. But yeah, heaps of stuff. You can check it out at any time. Big shout out to Katie Tilling. Good on you, Katie.

Thanks, Katie. Kibbs. Love you, Kibbs. Kibbs-y. Lauren Darts. Datto. That's what I like. That's what I like.

William Mayhood. Yeah, he may do. Kate and Brandon Holmes. Good on you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. What were you going to say? A little joke on the tip of your tongue? No, all good. It's, he may do. Kate and Brandon Holmes. Good on you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. What were you going to say? A little joke on the tip of your tongue?

No, all good. It's all good. All good. Okay. So I think I've mentioned this before on the pod, but your wife, Bridget, and I, we used to work together. Yep. So you and I. Yeah, I know.

You guys are best friends. You were friends with her first. We get it. I'm just like the ring in. All good. You. Yeah, I know. You guys are best friends. You were friends with her first. We get it. I'm just like the ring in. All good. You're not a ring in. You made it very clear. Well, I met you like for work.

We worked together for like a week. I met your wife during that time. And then we ended up working together for six months or something. What about that time we got fucked up and ended up dancing on that person's roof in St. Kilda? Yeah. Does that mean nothing to you? No, that means everything to me. And also, you know, look at our logo. It's you and I next to each other, not me and Bridget. What does that time we got fucked up and ended up dancing on that person's roof in St Kilda? Yeah. Does that mean nothing to you? No, that means everything to me. And also, you know, look at our logo.

It's you and I next to each other, not me and Bridget. What does that tell you? Yeah. No, what does that tell you? What does it tell you? But, well, I mean, Bridget and I are off anyway, so there's really no worries. Why? What's going on?

So we used to work together. We get along really, really well. And as you know. You're the godmother of her daughter. Yes, I am. And as you know. You're the godmother of her daughter. Yes, I am. Godmother. And I actually, the other day, I was like buying clothes online. Like Gorman had this insane sale.

Yeah. And they had like kids' T-shirts on there. And so I sent a bunch to Bridge because I was like, these are so cute. But I didn't want to buy it because I don't want to buy like another person's kids' clothes. Like is that weird? Well, if they don't like it, then you go, oh, thanks. Well, yeah. They're the wrong size.

Yeah. And so I didn't want to overstep, but I sent them through to her and I was like, oh, my God, these are so cute. It's like we text a lot and we chat. And I also really like writing jokes and like being creative. Yep. I should try it here. Yeah, you fucking fooled me, mate.

Yeah. I thought you hated that. I thought you hated writing jokes and being creative. Five episodes a week. Feel free to do as many as you like. You tap in whenever you're ready, sweetheart. Obviously I'm joking. Obviously you love writing jokes and being creative.

You bring your A game every day and we all appreciate you. Hey, I wasn't looking for that, but sometimes you catch a while. Nah, that sort of sounds like it. Anyway, the other day, your lovely wife, Bridge, she messages me and goes, oh, my God, Tony, I need your help. And I was like, oh, my God, what's wrong? The car's broken down. Something's gone wrong.

You need me to come pick up Mabel. Like, I don't know. But instantly I'm like jumping to action. What can I do? And she goes, oh, I really want to enter this competition and I really want to win. And I was like, oh, I really want to enter this competition and I really want to win. And I was like, oh, okay, like what is it? So you guys do cloth nappies for maids.

Cloth burns. Yeah. And they were holding this like big competition where if you like named a design, they had this new design coming out and they're like, if you name it, the best name wins and it's named after you and like on the website everyone goes to order it and it's like the name that you made. So it's like name our new batch of nappies.

Yeah. And so it's like this big thing and she's like, oh, and I really, really want to win. And she goes, oh, and like you get it named after you and you win this prize. And I'm like, oh, my God, like, we've got to win this for you. And when it comes to naming things. I love puns.

Is that right up your alley? Yeah, because I love being creative, like writing jokes, like I said. But puns and like thinking out, I'm actually, this is where I thrive. This is lodge area. This is my area. Anyway, and so she goes, oh, like, can you help me? And I was like, oh, of course. Like, yeah, I'm in.

Like, we're winning this for you. And I just get so into it and so committed immediately. And you do, I'd say you've got, like, some competitive juices in there. Like, someone goes on as a chance to be the winner and you go, all right, well, let's not muck it around. Like, let's get in there. Yeah, and I really wanted to win it for Bridge because I was like, she's reached out.

She's, like, involved me in this and I'm in now. I don't think this is where you're headed, but I just need to confirm a few details. You've said win for Bridge a few times. Yeah. If it was a winner and it said this one was named by Bridget, would you, like, maybe angle to get your name in there? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just wanted to win it for her. So when you win artwork for her, that's your artwork. Yeah, yep. But when you win a nappy competition, that's her work. Yep. And we've sorted this out. It sounds like it. This was me repaying Bridget.

Okay, great. Because I was just going to say this sounds, I want to do something for Bridget and then keep the artwork. Yeah. Sounds familiar. I see what you're saying. Yeah, no, no, no. But she was allowed to keep this one.

Okay. And, you know, I thought that was fair. Yeah, sure. We've all squared that away, by the way, and thanks for bringing that up. Yeah, no, that's actually. You would never bring that up, would you? Well, no. No, I wouldn't because that's been resolved.

Anyway, so she sends me this thing and I send back like, I was actually out at the time. Yeah. I was out with my sister and Bridge sends me this thing and she goes, oh, like we've got to put it in now. Like we've got to comment the stuff. And I'm like, all right. So I'm walking around with Libby and I send back like half a dozen suggestions.

Have you got any examples just to paint a picture? Oh, I could look through. I don't want to put you on the spot. No, I can find it. Because basically the designs are all fun. So I might have like a dinosaur or a picture of a beach or just something on the pattern, so therefore it gives Tony a little something to work with. So there was one here that was like a light colour

and it has like a bunch of cartoon dogs and planets. They're really, yeah. Like dogs in outer space. Yeah, and so I said Un-Paw-Get-A-Ball, Inter-Paw-Lactic. That's good. Cosmiclactic. That's good. Cosmic Cosmo. That is good. Space Schnauzer was another one I sent.

Yeah, so I was like. This is good. This is good areas. So I send back like. You are good at this. Thank you. Anyway, so I send like all of these names and I'm like. Interpourlactic.

That's fucking right up there. Who's beaten that? And it's cute. Yeah. Like it's a cute little thing. Like imagine you're scrolling through and you see this thing and you go, oh, Interpol Arctic, add to cart. Yeah.

You're adding that to your cart, 100%. Yeah. Anyway, so I send all these things through and I'm like, we've won. Like we've got that in the fucking bag. Like no way. Anyway, 10 minutes later, my phone, she sends another one. She goes, oh, cool. All right, another round.

Like how many of these can you name? And I go, oh, oh, fuck, we're on again. Okay. And again, I'm still out. And I'm texting her back. Have you told her that you're out? I don't think so. And it didn't matter, but it adds to the.

It's kind of sound like it matters. No, no, no, no. It just adds to the drama that I wasn't just like sitting at home. I was like, oh, fuck. We're on the go. Like this is time sensitive. Yeah. Anyway, and then so I send back half a dozen names for this second one.

Yep. And then I'm like, okay, cool. All right. Yeah. Anyway, and then she's like, oh, thank you. I'm so excited. Like really want to win this. I'm like, fuck yeah.

Are we getting any feedback? Is it most likes on the comment wins? Like are you getting any vibe that you're doing well? Like, you can tell- It's a great question. You can tell you're doing well because the answers are great, but I mean are we- But are they doing the job? Is this great work in vain? I actually

I'll be honest, I don't know whether it was like the most liked comment, but you could only comment one per design. So you can't just go So you can't just go full tilt. Does that mean you're trusting Bridget with the editorial of choosing between your five? That's a very good point. Shouldn't have trusted her with that.

It's like, you want my help? You get my help? Yeah. You don't get some, you get the help or you don't. You get the help or you don't. No, no, no. So anyway, I send another three and I'm like, phew, we're in here shortly. Yeah.

Another 10 minutes later, my phone. She sends a third one. And I'm like, phew, like we're in here surely. Another 10 minutes later, my phone. She sends a third one. And I'm like, holy shit. Who's watching my daughter this whole time? Where's the kid? Where's Mabel? Well, she's blowing up Facebook. Not Mabel, obviously.

Bridget, she's blowing up Facebook. And she sends me a third one and I'm like, holy shit, like, fuck, we better win. Like, are we winning three prizes? Yeah. But have we like maybe won the first round? We're fuck, we better win. Like, are we winning three prizes? Yeah. But have we, like, maybe won the first round? We're through to the qualifiers. Oh, yeah.

Now it's semi-final time. It, like, dwindles down or whatever. Anyway, and then I send through another half a dozen names for this third competition. But then I don't hear anything. Bridge goes, oh, thank you. They're so funny. Like, perfect.

Like, it's right on the money. Thank you so much. And then. And crickets oh, thank you. They're so funny. Like, perfect. It's right on the money. Thank you so much. And then. And crickets. Yeah. Nothing. And then like a couple of days later, I'm like, fuck, like what happened with, I'm so invested.

I actually don't know. What did happen? So I messaged her and go like, so how did we go? Like, did we win? And she goes, oh, no, we didn't. And I went, oh, what a bummer. Like, oh, bummer. Like I went, oh, what a bummer. Oh, bummer. Like, this is nothing.

I was like, what a bummer. Like, I thought, you know. I thought we were good. They were good. The teamwork between Bridge and I, I thought we were right in there. Yeah. And we were so quick to respond to the thing. And she goes, oh, like, it's not really a big deal.

Like, it's okay. And I was like, nah, like, we really wanted to win. I wanted you to get this thing named after you. And she goes, oh, you only won a $30 voucher. What? $30,000? $30,000? What, bitch?

And I was like. Do you know how much Tony Lodge would charge for a personal copyright? For fucking creative consulting? Yeah. How much did you earn for your book? Obviously you don't answer that, but I mean, like if you're going to ask Tony to write some stuff. Best-selling award-winning author.

Well, don't. $30 fucking, no. $30. And I'm like, I've been on the hook for this thing for three days. I'm on the edge of my seat. Sweetheart, if you need $30, go find your husband in the house and hit him up. If I know Tony, she would have just driven to your house,

given you $60 and told you to shut the fuck up. You're not even worried about it, mate. I'm like going through the stages of grief. Like I'm like in disbelief and then I'm angry and I'm like, well, Bridget, I would have just given you $40. And then I'm like, oh, you know, I would have just given you $40. And then I'm like, oh, you know. I didn't realise it was $40. Yeah, $40.

And I'm not hanging shit on anyone trying to win a voucher because, like, I love entering competitions and it was a fun creative exercise, you know, fucking whatever. Like there is no shame in entering a competition. I talked about this once ages ago and people like Lick Tapas tag me in competitions now because they are like, I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my friends and tag them in an Instagram competition.

I get tags constantly from people. If you need to tag two mates. Us. Tag us. We're your mates. It's all good. We won't be offended. We'll be like, fucking get it, sister.

We probably won't even see it. Yeah. And we're fucking right. That's fine. Yeah. And so to end tag, like this post, tag two friends. Yeah. We're your bros.

We're your bros. So there's no fucking shame in trying to win a $30 voucher. But then when you win it, then you've got to let us know as well. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But however, I think there needs to be a limit on like when is appropriate to rope in another person. At what price point?

Well, not even. Prize point? No. There just needs to be like 30 bucks. Should I get someone involved? Probably don't. So there's this rule in Radioland that the prize has to outweigh the other stuff. The effort or the.

So if you go, hey, here's a ticket to see Taylor Swift in Singapore. You can't expect them for the $500 ticket to spend three grand on flights and hotels and stuff. So like whatever the prize is has to be more than the input. And it's like this sort of. So what you're saying is I should invoice Bridget. No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying at all. Should I just send it straight to you?

Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a few things that you actually don't know about this story that I need to update you on from the other side. We did actually win and it was $3,000. You won tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm off to Singapore. First of all, if I had have known it was $30, I'd be like, let Tony enjoy the weekend.

Oh, no, don't do that. Second of all. Because I'm not complaining about her asking me at all, but I'm just like, $30. You know how Bridget has her moments of being one of the great comedians of our generation and then a lot of other times of not being that. Yeah. I don't know whether she was being an arsehole

or this was the funniest thing she's ever done. She goes, oh, there's this nappy competition. It's like the best pun wins. It'll be so good. And she goes, looks me in the eye lovingly and says, if only I knew an incredible podcaster who was really funny. Oh, Mrs. Tony. And I went, what did you need?

And she goes, I need Tony's number. That's amazing from Bridge. She didn't need me at all, it turns out. She's fucking doing well on her own. Yeah, and I feel this is a strength of mine. I can cop that serious burn and also respect the burn in the same moment. And I'm like, I'm not even upset because that is some good gear from you.

That was good gear. Yeah, that's fucking funny. But, like, yeah, that's, oh, fuck. Well, that's just made it all better. Okay. We'll call it even? Yeah, done. Shake hands.

And the artwork, obviously, were all square. That's all been taken care of. Yeah, well, thanks for letting me go to the tennis on your arm. Yeah, thank you very much. I'm going to love to see it here. Oh, what is it? Mark Buttonshaw. Sure.

His New Year's resolution. Now, I think this is a great resolution, but it's not a traditional resolution. And I don't know if you remember, I said it like a bit of Tony Lodge energy. Yeah. Mark Buttonshaw's New Year's resolution was returning a drink or food if it wasn't the right order. He wasn't going to be a dick about it.

You've only got 12 months to do that. I don't think it's enough time. He wasn't going to be a dick, but he also just wasn't going to go, oh, okay, all good. Oh, sorry, I actually ordered a diet kind of vibe. This year, no, I'm going to like. Stand up for myself. Yeah, I'm going to stand up for myself.

Love that Mark Bartonshaw. Now, a few times during the year. Call him Martin Cockshaw because he's bloody sure. Was it Martin or Mark? Mark. Mark. Sorry, I'm thinking of his brother. Now there's a.

Friends, long time friends with the Buttonshaws. Have you met his cousin, Charles Arsenshaw? I'll have him. Friends, long-time friends with the Buttonshaws. Have you met his cousin, Charles Arsenshaw? I haven't. Thanks for laughing about other people in the room. You don't have to laugh. God, and you see my bridge checks for me, can't you? $30. There's a separate issue in this story which I think you'll pick up on.

Okay. Mark Buttonshaw said, it's happened a few times this year and I got nervous and I got sweaty and I went, all good. Oh, yeah. And hey, we get it. But he's like, I've got a whole year. So like, don't need to stress. It's only January. It's only February.

Stop the clock, ladies and gentlemen. Stop the motherfucking clock. It happened the other day. I mentioned it to the waitress. I didn't shit my pants and she wasn't offended and was actually super nice about it. She goes, oh, sorry, mate.

Let me fix that up for you. And you know what? I'll take that one off the bill. Well, I'll have the lobster. Thank you very much. That's amazing. Well done. Good on you, Mark.

Because it is, I've never done it. Yeah. Like I actually wouldn't even know how to handle that situation. And then, but I think what, we all know that it's not going to be a big deal, but that doesn't make it easier to do it. It's hard to broach too, isn't it? Yeah. And so he's like, yeah, they were like, oh, sorry, mate, all good.

Like they were the one that was like, and just like a total nothing thing. Yeah. Now, what's the main issue of this story? The fact he's had so many opportunities to correct the waitress is, is he going to the right place? Because how often does this happen? Well, we don't know that it was the same place every time. Yeah, but, yeah, I don't want to victim blame,

but, like, why is there so many areas that he's going to have? I'm going to have plenty of opportunities. Do you reckon also, like, if you're one of the people that like is particular about your food and that is so fine, but if you're like, oh, can I have this but with this and change this and put this on the side and things are wrong, you go, look, the odds of it being a little bit wrong are probably quite high. Whereas like if you're walking in and you order a double cheeseburger

and they bring you a T-shirt, you know, like that if you're walking in and you order a double cheeseburger. You can't fuck that up. And they bring you a T-shirt, you know? Like, that's a pretty, you go fuck, like, low stakes, and you fuck that up. They go, oh, I thought you meant the merch that we sell. No, no, no, no. Double cheeseburger. And you look back and the chef's just shirtless. You go, so, it's not even a clean shirt.

He's shirtless in a cheeseburger. But Mark Buttonshaw, you love to say that. You do. I'm very proud of you. I wish that I could. I might take a leaf out of Mark's book. You should. Martin?

Mark. It's Mark. Fuck me. Anyway, okay. That's great. My love to say it is that, as you know, the whole type community, Tony and Ryan included, we are balls deep in hot cross bun chat at the moment. We are.

And I have eaten more. I'm more hot cross bun than woman at this point. I saw you get out of the shower and I saw a huge cross on your back. Yeah, because I'm slowly morphing in. I'm full of Sultanas. Sorry, that's a weird thing to say. Anyway, I've realised, and I told someone this the other day, and they went, oh, perfect.

I only really like the bottom of a hot cross bun. Come over, I'll take the top. Torbs only likes the top. Fuck, you guys are so good together. Yeah. So he likes the crinky, crunky, like cross. He likes the bulby part, whereas I like the real dense, bready part on the bottom.

So you love a thick bottom. I love a thick bottom, yeah. And the hot cross bun as well, yeah. Yeah, and he loves a crispy top. Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, but my love to see it is just that, like, what a fucking perfect match.

You said the other day, are we too perfect? Yes. Yeah. And it's fine. I'm actually fine with it. And so then I bought, oh, I bought this fucking, everyone, this is X-rated, all right? Okay.

These fucking brioche hot cross buns. Oh. Little choccy chip in them. Just from Woolies. So not out of the price range. You know, we're talking mid-tier. Yeah. Mid to, yeah, Yeah. Mid to low.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Woolies and Coles, I wouldn't say. This is Woolies. Mid-tier. You would say low. I'd say so. But this is their like.

Oh, their elite bakery. Oh, you know, I'll cop that. I'm not talking about a standy hot tossy. Let's go back into the sexy area. Yeah, okay. My mistake. Brioche. Ooh. Chocolate chip. Ooh. Hot's go back into the sexy area. Yeah, okay. My mistake. Brioche. Ooh.

Chocolate chip. Ooh. Hot cross bun. Just from Woolies. Yeah. Didn't break the bank. No. You know what I'm saying?

Break. Six bucks. Unbroken. Unbroken. We're all good. You could buy three puns for that. Five puns for that. Fuck.

And then I get home and Torbs is there and I go, oh, you feel like a hottie choss. I got some really nice ones from the shop. And he goes, fuck yeah. And I go, I'm going to pop these in the oven. And he goes, oh, fuck yeah. Toasted top. And then I sliced it and I went, you came for a top? And he went, well, I know you came for a bottom.

And then we shared three hot cross buns. I had three bottoms. He had three tops. And it was the best day of my fucking life. That's my love to say it. So I'm just checking the time. Is it Christmas? Honestly.

Oh my God. Easter is my Christmas because of the hot crisp ones. Butter or butter and honey? Just butter. Because it had enough sweetness with the chocolate chips. Oh yeah, chocolate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the brioche as well.

It's like a sweeter bread. It was fucking elite. I would challenge anybody to go down to the Woolworths and get those hottie trusses because they were fucking good. I'm going to put a thread up today. Oh, yeah. Just called Hot Cross Bun Chat. Yeah.

And I want your hot cross bun stories because something hot cross bun related happened to me the other day. And I don't want to like – I never thought hot cross buns could do me wrong. No. Yeah. Something fucked up happened. Are you sure that you want to bring this up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I am a big fan. I know. So am I. And I actually looked at it and said, I can forgive you for this. Oh, thank God. It might just give me a moment. All right. But I've also got a hot cross bun hack to increase your hot cross bun intake by 50%

without buying any more hot cross buns. Well, I'm in that. You've really hooked me through. This is like a BuzzFeed article. This is my area. Maybe it should be a BuzzFeed article. Should we work for BuzzFeed? We can.

I've got nothing on. Yeah, okay, great. Anyway, tomorrow we're doing confessions. Yeah, okay, great, great, great. Anyway, tomorrow we're doing confessions and someone who ran the Melbourne Marathon has a confession. Yeah. They pooed themselves. No, and actually let me put it on the record.

Tomorrow's confession is a poop-free confession. Oh, that's never happened, I don't think. I don't think it has either. That's why I want to make a big deal out of it. But. Oh, we'll chat to you tomorrow then. There's been a theft though at the marathon. They stole the poo.

There's no poo. No poo. Anyway, that's tomorrow. Love you. Bye.