Toni and Ryan - Toni Spewed On A Stranger

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

I have taken up a new THING and it hasn't gotten off to a GREAT start. We also chat first times doing it. Love ya! Toni xo [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Tony over here. I'm Ryan and we are calling Megan or would it be Megan? Cause it's in Iowa. Megan. All right. Let's go with Megan. We always get it wrong. We always back in the wrong one. Yeah. Do that Megan. Megan. Got her. Yeah, do that, Megan. Hello?

Hi, is that Megan? Hello, is this Ryan? It is. I'm with Tony. Have I pronounced your name correctly? Yeah, you have. Oh, you fucking love to say that, don't you? We always get it wrong.

We always say Megan. I love to say that. Absolutely. I'm so glad we got it right. You can say my name however you want. I have heard it all sorts of different ways, so I will respond to whatever. Some cold water. I approve that.

Will you approve this podcast? I do approve this podcast. Hey, it's Megan from Iowa, and I approve this podcast. I don't know how to say this without being a dick. Oh, here we go. How all great conversations begin. But coming up today, this show's a video show

as well, by the way, if you want to watch it on the Spotify app. After the success of Tony's stand-up paddleboard career, we have... Whoa, you are such an arsehole. I said I didn't know how to say it without sounding like a dick. Oh, as if that fucking made the cut. After the success of Tony's stand-up paddleboard career.

Well, do you want me to say after the brutal failure? Why does it have to be after anything? It's a great question. Isn't everything after something? But you didn't, if that's assumed. All right, coming up today. Tony has a new sport and coach. A new sport.

Is that fair to say? Well, it's not really a sport. Good new coach, though. Yeah. For a sporting sport and coach. A new sport. Is that fair to say? Well, it's not really a sport. Good new coach, though. Yeah. For a sporting-ish endeavour. For a physical endeavour. Oh, God, you've really done a good job at that. Just before we hit record,

Tony was saying how funny he is making virgin jokes. That's classic high school fucking put down, isn't it? Well, it's one of those. So I feel like I need to give context a little bit. We're about to talk about your first time. Yeah. Your first time. It's like, you know, when you think about all the things

that you would like say in a shit way to your mates at school, like, oh. Oh, good one, you virgin. Yeah, like, what are you a virgin? But it's like crazy that you would think back to saying that now as an adult when you go, well, that doesn't matter at all. Do you reckon we should all, the three of us, as a challenge over the next week, just insult someone randomly

and call them a virgin who's clearly, you know, in their 30s and not? But can we just do it between the three of us? See if we can actually just slam on each other. That's probably a safer bet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. It. Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. It's weird, though, when you think about the things that you would, like, say as a kid that all, like, think or worry about. I mean, and I'm a classic worrier. But, you know, when you're at school and you're like, oh, my God, like, I don't have hair on my legs yet or, like, I don't have pubic hair yet or, like, whatever the thing was, and then you just go, fuck, I wish I could go back to when I didn't

have any pubic hair. I was going to say, like, surely. Surely. to when I didn't have any pubic hair. I was going to say, I was like, surely. I wish I didn't have to fucking worry about leg hair. I'll tease you for having smooth legs. This sounds fair. I pay money to get that now. Yeah. Like, you know, who hasn't, like, wished that?

Because, like, you know how there's that unfair thing that, like, if a guy hooks up with a few people, they're like. A stud. A stud. But if a girl does it, they're like a slut. slut yeah so where does that land with the whole like teasing someone for being a virgin but that's the thing like so you make some fun which one do you want but that's the thing you make fun of someone for being a virgin but then you're also like ew are you slaying lots of people like you can't win you're allowed to have sex one time and either side

yeah none or between two and affinity bad fucked yeah literally and i think that we've just solved world peace yeah because you actually can't win whether you're doing something heaps or doing something not at all you're a fuck it you know what i mean like you actually cannot win you know that this is really getting off topic but you know that saying it's like um i think it was like dita von tese or Tess or whatever her name is. And she says like, I never know whether it's Teese or Tess. Is it Teese? And she said like, you could be the ripest, juiciest peach and there'll still be someone who doesn't like peaches.

I try and remind myself of that. You are a juicy peach though. But like you could be the best at something and someone will still go, why, I don't like that thing. Well, you're one of the best at podcasting and you hate podcasts. There you go. You're someone else's not peach. Thank you. You're my peach.

Thank you. Yeah. Speaking of losing your virginity. Yeah. Atarpa has. You want to lose yours now? Sorry. You've already lost it.

Have I? You're about to be a dad, so. Oh've already lost it. Have I? You're about to be a dad, so. Oh, true. Yeah. And you're married, so obviously, you know, after marriage. Yeah. Yeah, of course. The years before, not quite.

But a tarpa has sent through the weirdest first time ever. Now, they've asked to be kept anonymous. Yep, fair enough. To remain anonymous. What did I try to say? To. Yep, fair enough. To remain anonymous? What did I try to say? To be kept Romanian. No, that's okay. That's alright. You're still my juicy. Romanian.

Still a peach to me. Thank you, sweetheart. So this taffa says the weirdest first time ever. And I want you to think about your first time because it's always a little bit awkward and you don't really know what you're doing and there's like this expectation and you can't wait to tell the kids, I'm not a virgin, but I only did it once.

I'm not a slut either. So there's a lot of pressure. Yep. My dad and his mate, says this tarpa, decided to go to a sports bar to watch a football game. So I thought, what a perfect opportunity to invite a boy around because the coast is clear. Because dad's out of the house. Yep.

So this guy invites a boy over and they're in high school. Uh-huh. And before I read this next sentence, I just want to really make sure everyone knows that I'm just reading what he said. Okay. And this is not an editorial. Okay.

We were on the couch in a spooning position and he was smashing my back doors in and I was loving it sick. Good for you. That's not. When I think of first time, I think of like slow, pain, awkward. So am I allowed to. Oh, it's my first time. He's smashing me back doors in. How fucking good is this?

No, not at all. Mine was in my in my room yep the lights were on oh yep very flattering i was feeling confident uh i'm pretty sure that my mum was like in the next room at in the house at the very least so you're trying to be quiet i'm pretty sure that like just put it in there well i think it was kind of oh is it you know like is it oh how's that supposed to feel oh and then i'm pretty sure that it was like a creaky bed so we're kind of like you kind of do like one thing then you go oh and then you try and go i lived in a share house and i had a really, really creaky bed and it just.

Did you ever do like on a creaky bed you go the other way? Yep, the other way or just like. Because it doesn't creak side to side but it creaks like up and back. Yeah, or get a pillow just on the ground. The ground, yeah. Anything to avoid that fucked frame. Oh, literally. Yeah. No, so I definitely don't.

I imagined that it would be this like amazing moment that i like in my life would go we've watched american teen movies we assume it's that's the thing like you know on american pie yeah sorry to bring up american pie twice in one week whoa but like they all go we're gonna have sex on prom night together or whatever you think it's gonna be like this like perfect and it isn't. But I definitely don't. Wouldn't use the term smash my back doors in. And also wouldn't, I was loving it. It was awkward and shit and you're like, oh, my God, my body's weird

and I don't really, you know, it's weird. I was loving it sick until we heard a click from the external door that leads directly into the lounge room. The lounge room. Oh, so there's nowhere to hide because you're in the fuck on the couch. Oh, my God. The click was the door unlocking and my dad and his mate walked in. I grabbed the blanket and throw it over us

and we just pretend we're watching TV. While he's still inside you. Yeah. The dick's in the bum. The dick's in the bum. The dick's in the bum. And the dick's in the bum and the silver spoon. Little boy, little man on the moon. He's getting the man on the moon.

It turns out the bar had to close early and dad and his mate came back to our place to watch the game. So the dick's in the bum. Yep. They're on the couch. Shooting position. They're not, like, they're not able to move. They're not able to move.

Blankets thrown over and they go, like, froze. Yeah. They sit down on the sofa opposite us and I'm panicking and I don't know what to do. I'm panicking and I wasn't even there and it was probably many years ago. Fuck. The boy has gone real quiet, the other one.

Yeah. We're both still very aware that he is still inside of me. Yeah. Even to the point where he was like, oh, hey, how you doing? And then like a cough when you're, like when the guy in the front coughs, the guy in the back is like, oh, because, you know, it's a. Of course. I start to slowly, slowly ease myself forward, hoping no one will notice.

But as I do that, he pushes himself forward and there's an audible gasp. Then I feel it. The calm. That warm feeling in my manhole. Again, his words. It turns out that the fear of being caught really turns him on. You know, that's a thing for some people. Yeah, well, like when you hear about people saying like, oh, yeah,

we like have sex in public because it's like the the thrill of the yeah we spend about 10 minutes but this just feels like a really like a i don't want to say adult because that makes me sound like a hundred year old no this sounds like quite a like the thrill of being caught really like i just didn't even know what any of that was well i don't know if it was the other guy's first time. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe, but yeah, he feels like he's been here before. But you know what I mean?

Yeah, this feels like it. Thrill of getting caught doesn't associate with first-time nerves. No, no, not at all. We spend about ten minutes, but it feels like a lifetime, him trying to slip out of me and we sneak into some underwear and then leave the room pretending like nothing ever happened. Sneak into some underwear. So you're raffling under the covers.

Like there's no way that. Your dad is watching the game. Yeah. Is there things like from your, when you're a teenager, where at the time you're like, my mum has no idea. And then thinking back, you're like, she 100% knew. Like maybe you like had a few drinks and she wasn't, like you weren't supposed to or you were underage or like, I don't know,

maybe you smoked a little bit of jazz cabbage and you went, my mum will never know. Like a bit of the devil's lettuce, you know. First of all, my mum listens to this podcast. Oh, hi, Mandy. You would never do that. Second of all, no, so I reckon one, I never do that. Second of all. No, so I reckon one, I used to have this like contraption.

It wasn't braces, but it was like this thing in with my teeth. Like a plate or something? Oh, it's really hard to explain, but basically I had an overbite. Sure. And this thing kind of like pushed my bottom jaw out. Oh, like the elastics in the back? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so when I got it put in, every night we had to like tighten it one thing.

What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What are you? So your mum had to do it. Like, you couldn't do it yourself? Yeah.

Yeah. So I had to tighten this thing. And I went out and I was probably like. 15, 16 or something. 15, 16. And I reckon I'd had two or three Jim Beam and Colas, you know. Naughty boy. It's like, oh, if'll get a 10-pack.

There's four of us. Yeah, because all you had was the 10 bucks you'd scraped together or something, yeah. And I'm like, fuck, I'm going to have to go home and mum has to literally put her hand in my fucking mouth. In my mouth. I know what I'll do. I'll brush my teeth and she'll never know.

And, of course, you walk in, your whole person smelling like bourbon and even just the fact that you rushed in and went, I'm just going to brush my teeth and she'll never know. And, of course, you walk in, your whole person's smelling like bourbon and even just the fact that you rushed in and went, I'm just going to brush my teeth. Yeah. They're like, oh, well, obviously. Obviously. Something's going on there. I also, our house was like a place where a lot of people crashed.

Yeah. So more than probably ten times in high school there would have been ten plus people. Like three in my bed, two on the floor, a few in the lounge room, people staying over all the time. And sometimes mum was chill and then others, like with specific people, she's like, oh, but she can't sleep in your room. Oh, Mandy.

I was like, what does she think about that person? No, it's more what does she think about you? Excuse me? I think that she knew who the perpetrator was. She knew who the little troublemaker was. So my mate Hannah used to stay a fair bit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, did you finger her?

No. No, I didn't. You absolutely did. No, I fucking didn't. Look at that little smile. I don't know how to say this without being weird. She was just a friend. Yeah.

But, like. No attraction there. No. Oh, no attraction to you. Yeah. But like. No attraction there. No. Oh, no attraction to you. She wasn't interested. Probably, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so then this other girl stays over like another week

and then mum walks in in the morning and goes, oh, hey, Hannah, I didn't realise you were staying. Oh, mum! And I was like, oh, this is Ginny. Ginny? What about you were touching her on the Ginny? She listens to this podcast, Ginny, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, well, Ginny, get your Ginny ready.

Sorry, Ginny. Hope you're doing well, Ginny. Hope you're doing well, Ginny. Hope you're doing well. Actually, maybe it was. But, yeah, mum definitely, like, blurted it out the wrong name. I was like, for fuck's sake. God, you're like, that's supposed to be me, not you, mum.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah, fuck. Anyway, sorry. This half has left a note. Oh, yep. So anyway, that was my romantic first time. Now, I'm just going to read this sentence. I don't know what it's getting at. I don't know if it's referring to a prior story.

P.S. Tony, I'm sure you understand the thrill of being caught, like letting your neighbours jerk off in the apartment building when you're getting ploughed. Have a nice day. What? What? Do they mean?

Do you remember when I told? I don't know what they mean. Do you remember when I told that story about hearing that other people have, this was like two years ago, that other people were having sex and that then Torbs and I went to our bedroom. But he said, Tony, I know you understand the thrill of it, letting your neighbours jerk off listening to you get ploughed. And even though ploughed is fucking.

Ploughed is a bit strong. I don't think that they're talking about me. They must be thinking about another podcast. Because that's not... I don't know how I've done that. I haven't even told a story about that. Even the word plout is aggressive, isn't it? Does this person know where I live?

They're listening secretly? I hope not. Well, me too. Might shut that door when I get home. Shut my back door, but not even know what I'm saying. What I want to do Is Have sex with me? No

What I want to do Is say like I'd love to hear some other Like not in a gross graphic way But in like a fun silly Wasn't it awkward Like mine is a bit pretty awkward And weird But I obviously understand fun silly we wasn't it awkward yeah about like your first time mine is a bit pretty awkward and weird yeah yeah um but i i obviously understand that like you know it's uh a bit of a not taboo

subject but not something you might want to put your name to yeah so what i'm gonna say is yeah that use the confessions tab oh even if you put in the confession stab and write oh this isn't a confession this is just a first is there like a subject yeah yeah so maybe in the confession stab and write, oh, this isn't a confession, this is just a first. Is there like a subject? Yeah. Yeah, so maybe in the subject if you can write like virginity story or something. Yeah, because if you've got a, hey, if you want to leave a comment, by all means, we can leave your name out of the pod. Yeah.

If you feel more comfortable. You're awkward, silly. I didn't know what I was doing. Is it in yet? Oh, no. No. No. No.

Oh, no. Still no. No. No. Oh, no. Still no. Okay. Yeah. Hey, it's Megan from Iowa, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. All non-champions, all levels. All tapas.

All tapas. Your names will be coming up across the bottom. If you haven't seen yours yet, it's coming. It just takes quite a while to scroll through everyone. Katrine Auer, thank you so much. Mimi Hatara, Kelly Meyer, Ina Oden Erstebo, Megan Johnson and Marila. Thank you so much for being part of the Patreon. We fucking love to see it.

Tomorrow in Sydney. 9am. 9am. White shirt, black pants. We're singing I Still Call Australia Home, just the last three lines. It's not an April Fool's joke. No. We don't do pranks. We will be filming Tony singing this song,

so we need like a backing choir. For the hero. It's going to be like the last part of it. Yeah. So it's huge. It's in the Opera House tomorrow at 9am. I have found myself in a situation where I was trying to be quite normal and impress somebody new and it didn't go the wayer it didn't go the way that i hoped did

you try a bit too hard because you know sometimes i call you out when you're like when we're like at a shop and i'm being too nice too nice like aggressively nice i'm like hey it's cool no is there a bit of that like you want them to like you then you like i get it yeah it was probably more that i let my guard down a bit too much. Oh. Yeah. You've got to get your guard up, man. Yeah, and I maybe should have, like, you know, composed myself a bit more. Okay.

So I've just started going to a new trainer. Personal trainer? Personal trainer. Ooh. But he's like a coach. So it's like a – he doesn't only do PT. He kind of does, like, the food stuff. Like PT, he kind of does like the food stuff. And they're like, he kind of like all inclusive.

His name's Matty Boland and he's a great guy. I really, really like him. Is he related to our mate? Scott Boland. Steve Boland. Both of them. The twins. Yeah.

Yeah. The thing is though, that like, I'm obviously not like what you would expect the kind of person you would run into in the gym maybe because I'm like not I'm like a swimmer I'm like a water girl I'm wet for life yeah I'm wet for life and I I think that actually I'm probably the only person that is like perpetuating that that I feel like oh I don't really belong in a gym but I do because everybody can go to the gym but I feel quite out of place because I'm like I don't really belong in a gym. But I do because everybody can go to the gym. But I feel quite out of place because I'm like, oh, I don't, you know, that gym anxiety thing. Like I don't really know what I'm doing, don't really know.

And I was like, you know what, I'm going to start going to this guy because he's going to show me everything that I need to know. Just on the gym anxiety. Yep. My number two rule of life because I saw this massive guy going for a run, like a slow jog. In the gym? He was on a treadmill or something.

And he was struggling. He was a very big guy. And I remember someone kind of gave him a look or something. And I was like. He's in here. He's at the gym, mate. If you saw a massive guy stuff in their their face or whatever still no but i mean even then yeah people have to eat but yeah i get it sort of like you're a dick but whatever but i'm

like he's doing the thing yeah so you don't nah and i actually think like you're already fit why are you here yeah yeah you've already lost like you already look good you don't need to be here and then someone goes yeah but once you get fit, you need to like stay fit. Keep doing it. And you go, well, I'm not interested in that. Yeah. And I think you're like, but it's still the anxiety

that someone is going to be a cock and that you're going to be trying to do something and they'll, like, have you seen those nasty TikToks and their people like filming other people in the gym being like, they don't know what they're doing? That is so fucking awful. Those people need to get a life. Like that's real, that's actual bullying're doing. That is so fucking awful. Those people need to get a life. Like that's real.

That's actual bullying. Yeah. Like that is really awful. Anyway, and so I think I'd built up in my head what it was going to be like. And the other thing is that he was recommended to me by an actual Olympian. Who?

Georgie Parker. Oh, righto, yeah. Who was a part of the Matildas? Hockey Roos? Yeah, whichever one it is. Don't tell her, I don't know. Hockey Roos. But so she, yeah, Georgie Parker.

She's like Olympian approved. So she was going to this guy, Matty, and she shared it on her story a couple of times and then another mutual friend, Ash London, who is from Radio in Australia, I've made a video with her a little while ago, and she started posting that she was going to him as well. It's a sign. And I messaged Georgie.

We've spoken a lot,.comrats. Yep. And I was like, hey, what's this guy's deal? Like, I've seen him around a bit. Like what's going on? She goes, Matty is the best. Like you will absolutely love him. And I was like, okay, you are a literal Olympian.

Like I actually don't think that this is for me. Is she a bit like jacked? Yeah. She's like svelte as. So she was in the fucking Olympics. So did you rock up to this guy and go, I'll take the Georgie, thanks? Yeah. And he goes, we might work up to the Georgie Parker. Is this like a menu?

I'll go to the Brad Pitt Fight Club. How much is that one? How much is that one? How long do you reckon that would take? And he goes, yeah, we've got a 12-month waiting list on that one. So she was in the Olympics and then she played for AFLW as well. And so she's kind of like, he's absolutely awesome, you'll love it. And I was like, you can understand my hesitation.

You are an actual Olympian. Anyway, I was really intimidated, but I rang this guy, Matty, on the phone. And I was like, hey, bro, like I don't really know what I'm after, blah, blah, blah. He was the nicest person. He goes, mate, first one's on me. Come down to the gym. Just try it out. If we get along and I think I can help you and you think I can help you,

then, like, we'll do it. And I was like, okay, that's actually a good start. I actually like that because they commit, like, am I signing up for 12 months? Am I doing a thing? Do I commit to the plan? Mate, come down. Let's do a thing.

I like that. I like that. And also with, like, a trainer, you're kind of like if you don't get along, you're never going to go because you're always going to go, he's such a cock or she's really bitchy or she doesn't pay a lot of attention or she's not really doing what I want or whatever. And because 95% of personal trainers are fuckwits, you never know what you're going to get.

The law of averages. It's just one of those things. There's a lot of them. So, you know, yeah yeah it's a numbers game i don't know what i've been googling but my algorithm is that at the moment yeah but i just was really scared about like taking it because i didn't want to go somewhere pay the you know fee how much however much it is per session or whatever and then you go well i've signed up this. And then you feel guilty about not wanting to go as well. Anyway, so I'm there.

It's like this brand new gym, gorgeous gym, and it's like pretty quiet except for there's a bunch of like probably six guys doing like a circuit thing together. And they were all like pretty jacked dudes. And I'm standing there and I'm in my like dorky little active wear, I'm in my little shoes and I'm just like trying to, you know, do my best. Hey, guys.

And one of the guys, I think it was the head of like who was running the circuit, had like his dog with him in the gym. And the dog was like chill and it was just sitting down. And it was quite a like playful dog. I think it might have been like a Kelpie, a bit like your dog BJ. It was quite a playful dog. I think it might have been like a Kelpie, a bit like your dog BJ. And the guy who owned the dog was just like throwing the ball every now and then and it would come back and it would sit down for a bit

and then they'd throw the ball again, whatever. Anyway, so I meet Matty and we're having a great chat. He's like, what we'll do today is we'll just kind of run through some tests to see where you're at and then I'll figure out what we need to do. Where were you at? Well, I was doing awesome. Yeah. I just know that we've both come off COVID and we've both been pieces

of shit for a few weeks. Well, so the COVID thing, right, I was so. The fact you leaned in, I would have trained for a month before I went to the one session. Like clean your house before the cleaning comes. Absolutely. Yeah. So obviously I get puffed really easily at the moment because I've just

had COVID. Yeah, that's what I mean. And he was really nice about it and was like, oh, no, have a rest, have some water. And, like, in the middle of the gym, there's, like, you know those, like, box jump step things? There's, like, a whole row of those. And he was, like, sitting down on there. And I had, like, my water bottle and my towel sitting there. And, like, every time he's like, cool, have a rest, I'm, like, wiping sweat off myself.

Like, just I'm a hot mess. I'm, like, having a sip, wiping all this water off. So, like, I'm, you know, 10 minutes into a 45-minute session, my towel is drenched and I'm, like, disgusting. Anyway, and we're having kind of a rest and he was like, oh, yep, like, have some water, whatever. And the guy, we're, like like chatting about his other clients they're all like afl superstars the olympian i'm trying to act cool he's like so what do you do for work i'm like sit down

pretty much is what i my my job description where between sets i'm having some water maddie's sitting in front of me on the step and he's like looking the other way. And the owner of the dog picks up the ball and throws the ball for the dog. And there's like a little bit commotion. Everyone's kind of looking over. And I was staring right at it. He threw the ball into someone else's face. Someone who like wasn't part of the circuit, like who was just like in the gym. He kind of tossed the ball behind him. And it slams him in the face. Someone who wasn't part of the circuit, who was just in the gym,

he kind of tossed the ball behind him and it hits him in the face. I am mid-sip and it was so fucking funny that I spewed water all over Matty.

All over my new trainer, who I'm trying to impress, who's got all these Olympic fucking athlete fucking clients. How much are we talking here? Like a full mouthful? A mouthful of water. Did he see what happened with the dog? No.

Did he hear a commotion? So he kind of went to look behind him, but it had already happened. And as he went to look, I sprayed him with water and then I start to, like, you've never seen. So what do you do? What do you do then? Well, you've never seen more water in your life. It's like fucking waterfall on this guy, this poor guy,

and it's like all over his fancy active wear. Oh, of course. And immediately I'm like, I have to fix this. No, don't. No, no. He's a fucking grown man. It's only't. No, no. He's a fucking grown man. It's only water. Fuck. Fuck. So I picked up

my stinky gym towel. No, that's so much worse. And tried to like dab at the water. Pat him down? Yeah. My stinky towel and his fancy active wear. You're wiping your body juice on his fancy clothes.

But whilst trying to wipe my body juice off him because my fucking spit was all over him and I wanted to replace it with my sweat. Like, why is that better? It's not better. It's significantly worse. The water hasn't at least gone into you yet. Like, it's just, you know, like a food dabs us alive for sure. And he's, like, playing.

I was like, oh, my God. I was really embarrassed. I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And he played it cool. Like, he was just like, it's just show, but. And he's, like, playing. I was like, oh, my God. I was really embarrassed. I was like, oh, my God. I'm so sorry. And he played it cool. Like, he was just like, it's just water, bro. Like, don't worry about it. Why didn't you reciprocate his coolness by you being cool?

Because, okay, let me run you through the scenario. I spew water on someone and then dab at it, right? Yeah. That's not great. No. I spew water on someone and I stand there and go, that's fine. What's the alternative? Oh, but just knowing, like, he would have gone, it's fine.

And you would have been like, no, no, no, that's fine. I was just like, oh my. And I was trying not to laugh because this guy just got hit in the face with a ball. It was hilarious. It was so funny. So are the people pissing themselves? No. Okay.

Just me. And were you still sort of laughing or as soon as you spat, it just brought you right back? No. So as soon as I spat, I started laughing because I was embarrassed and I was trying to, like, redeem the situation. And I was just like, Maddie, I'm so sorry. And I'm, like, trying to dab my fucking saliva off his beautiful active wear.

And he was just like, oh, it's fine. It's just water. So just to go back a few steps. Yeah. Here's the line for me. Yeah. This one's on me few steps. Yeah. Here's the line for me. Yeah. This one's on me, literally. Yeah.

If I like you and you like me, maybe we'll see if this can work. So it's very much a first date. It's a trial. It's a probation. Am I going to get along with this person? Is it all good? Do you think at this stage you're like, he's not going to. He goes, hey, man, I do Olympians and non-spitters.

I think we just enjoy the day, shake hands and all the best. Are you thinking this is the end of the relationship? Well, I'm kind of like, all right, I've screwed up my first chance. You only get one shot at a first impression kind of thing. And I spat it on his clothes. And I've literally a mouthful of water all over him. Yeah. And I was like.

Where on his body? So I was standing and he was sitting down. So it was all over his chest and his shoulders. Say all over his chest again. All over his chest. Okay. But it wasn't like below the waist? No, no, no, no.

And so when I was dabbing him, it was kind of like his shoulders kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. He looks strong he's like and he's a great guy he's a really great guy he noticed that you were like dabbing but like kind of touching no no no i was like i very specifically was like dabbing softly like okay quickly not like like rubbing his person no no no um so i then like we kept going and I was like, I'm so sorry. He was like, bro, it's fine.

It's just water. It doesn't matter. And he was kind of laughing but probably more to try and like make me feel better. And then we went on with the rest of the session and then afterwards he texted me and he was like, how are you feeling? Like did you like it?

Do you want to move forward? And I was like, do you want to move forward? Like whatever. And then Georgie texts me and was like how did you go did you absolutely love him was he great and I went did he tell you about I thought she was gonna message you I heard I was like obviously the headline from him to her would have been me spewing all over him yeah oh oh yeah, she's the one that spits on everyone. Yeah, that's her. So how did it go?

It was really good and, yeah, we are going to work together. Work together. Is he giving you the recipe for this juice? I actually, yeah, so I just made this little smoothie as per his recommendation. Yeah, he's great though. Yeah. Matty Boland, he's a great guy. I fucking, I really, really like him and I'm so embarrassed that I spat on him.

Like of all the people I've spat on. Like it had to be the guy that I actually wanted to. How many people do you reckon you have spat on? He'd be top five. Okay. Yeah. Which I think is pretty good. Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, I'm almost 30. Yeah, that's one spit every six years. Quick maths, I like that. I just wanted him to think I was cool. And how'd that go for you? Well, when was the last time you spewed on someone? Couldn't think of a time in the last fortnight. Yeah.

You know? No, I have. Yeah. Far out. All right. Let's do what you love to see. What have I got here? Hopefully it's better than my one yesterday.

Oh! You know how they say, like, and they should say, don't Google, like, your medical symptoms. Oh, you know how they say, like, and they should say, don't Google, like, your medical symptoms. Oh, my God. He's like, nothing good can come from this. I literally think that doesn't matter what you type in, it says brain tumour. I think every...

I stand on a guy, what does this mean? Brain tumour. Every time I've ever typed something in, it's like, oh, well, it could be this, it could be this, it also could be a brain tumour. I'm like... My love to see it is dr google has actually nailed it to the point where i've you do have a brain tumor i sat no i didn't say brain tumor i sat back from the computer and went

that's it that's bang on yeah that so um when i've been playing basketball i've been getting a bit like tight in like the lower calves and the upper Achilles. Do you need a coach? Yeah, maybe I need a coach. And so I was just Googling to maybe find some stretches or some blah, blah, blah. What did you say? Your lower Achilles? Like high Achilles, lower calf.

Oh, okay. Do you have Achilles tendonitis? That's very serious. I reckon I do. And then let me read this sentence. I'm a doctor! Dr. Google! Dr. Google Lodge! Achilles tendonitis. I reckon I do. And then let me read this sentence. I'm a doctor! Doctor Google Lodge.

Achilles tendonitis. Sorry to fuck your punchline. I didn't know that that was what was coming. Don't worry, mate. There's plenty more where this came from. Okay. Because, no, but that's what I went through. Because you know how you Google stuff and you go, that doesn't seem right.

It's clearly not. Yeah. And I'm just looking for, for all I know, it's like, hey, if you just stretch out this for a little bit, it's going to make it a bit easier. Obviously, I'm not going to fix it. Or if you do it like a couple of minutes every day, it'll kind of like cumulative.

Or sometimes like, is this a nice or a heat? Oh, yeah. I'm so easily impressed. And so there's a bunch of different ways you can get Achilles tendonitis. Yeah, my mum had it. It's not what killed her, but that was the brain tumour. Who was it, though? She goes, I've got tight calves, and then goes, you've got a brain tumour.

She goes, it could be Achilles tendonitis, it could be a brain tumour, and yeah, two out of two. It can be caused for a lot of things, and one of them says, and let me just read from Dr Google, which I think was like Mayo Clinic or some weird website, can be common in middle-aged men who don't exercise as often as they used to. The Achilles and the calves can experience flare-ups during random exercise, such as a regular weekend basketball games.

And the reason I was Googling this is because I played a random basketball game on Sunday afternoon in East Brunswick and I was just like has Dr. Google just not fucking nailed me to the wall right there? Like I was like, well this must be it. And then I literally said, I'm shooketh. Right? And so it's like a lower calf but then it goes, for example

if you push this one spot in your foot you won't have felt pain there but as soon as you touch this one specific spot you'll feel it and that's what's like triggered the pain. And did you do it? Yeah. And I was like. One was fine.

One sent you through the roof? Yeah. I was like, Dr. Fucking, you've got the bad rap and probably deservedly so. Yeah. But on this one occasion. You've nailed it. And I love to see it. I love to see that.

I guess that you had Achilles tendonitis. The downside of this story is I have Achilles tendonitis. Yeah, well, it's really serious. Yeah. But, I mean, Dr. Coo, am I right? Yeah. Because you, yeah, it's like really, can be really bad. We've just got to be on, get on top of that. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're so young that it's

probably good. Thank you. You know, my mum realised she had it when she was 50. You know, like, so that's 20 extra years on top of you of, like, either not dealing with it at the right time, whatever. Yeah, 50. You know, like, so that's 20 extra years on top of you of like, either not dealing with it at the right time, whatever. Yeah, I just need to like stretch and do some stuff. So she couldn't wear flat shoes. Like she could not wear anything flat because it would like literally, what's the word?

Hurt? Yeah, that'll do. That'll do. I have. Like she couldn't, she couldn't walk in flat shoes. So your mum and I, we now wear heels exclusively. Yeah, she had to wear like sandals with a little heel, which is a quite mum thing to do anyway.

I've got a bit of a heel. Yeah, all of her sandals had like a little heel. Is that what that is? Yeah. Oh, okay. I don't know if that's why all people do it, but that was for her. And they said walking up hills and anything with an incline. Yeah.

So you want to like, yeah, go the opposite way. Okay, interesting. What's your love statement? Sorry. Also health related, Brittany Pond sent this through on Patreon and I fucking love to see it. She said, I have a love to see it for you. My boyfriend's old roommate has a service dog that they've trained

on their own. So you know how you can like adopt adopt seeing eye dogs and helper dogs and stuff and you kind of get them to a certain point and then they go off and train them. How do you bring them into the house and then let them go? I have no idea. It's the same with fostering dogs or children. I do not know how you could. Because you obviously can afford your connection

because you're caring for something that needs love. I just don't know how people do it. Would you, now Pippa has grown up, would you like, could you imagine if she was like ready for service now? Nah. And they'd have to take her away? No. You'd be a shell. I couldn't do it.

But I mean, is it different because do you go into it differently and you go, I can't fall in love? It's better to be loved and lost than never loved at all? Beautiful. Brittany says, she isn't completely trained as a service dog but has helped in numerous situations. They had a friend come over and the dog started getting really upset. Then the friend had a seizure. Was the friend like a seizure haver? No.

I think it was the first time that they'd ever had one because it can happen quite late in life. This happened on two occasions and notifying about seizures can't be taught. Like a dog has to intrinsically know what's coming. The dog has to learn it on

their own so it's amazing that she has done so much. She's only a year and a half old. Oh, my God. So she's predicted three seizures now. And that will actually, like, change something. Like, that dog will change someone's life. Isn't that when they can, like, lie down because they can sense you're about to, like, fall? Yeah.

So it's like if the dog starts getting stressed and they go, okay, like, get you on the floor, like, take your glasses off, like like make sure there's nothing around you or, you know, or if you were like walking across the street, make sure that you're in a safe spot, whatever. We don't deserve dogs. Honestly. But the fact that that can't be taught, but that dog is a year and a half old. I'm 29.

I can't do shit. Yeah. You're fucking useless. I am shocking. And this dog's one and a half. Apparently that dog can also drink water and swallow it without spitting it all over someone. Yeah, someone they were trying to impress.

Anyway, so, Brittany, thank you so much for sending that through. You do love to see that. I do love to see that. I'm honestly gobsmacked. That is so incredible. Fuck, how good are dogs? So good. Okay, on Monday...

Mm-hmm. ..we're talking about a vicious rumour. Oh, what? A vicious rumour has spread about me. I need to address it. About you? Yep. I saw it on the internet.

Telly mouth. Breaking news. I will, I'll like, if you haven't heard, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll break it down and explain. I don't want to wait until Monday for that. Well, you're busy filming I Still Call Australia Home tomorrow, mate. Oh, yeah, true. You've got a big weekend.

You've got a big weekend. But that's on Monday. Amazing. We'll chat to you then. Love you, bye.