Toni and Ryan - Toni The Medical Miracle

Episode Date: January 29, 2023

Ryan wants to be a good person, and I CAN'T SMEEELLLLLLL. Love ya!!! Toni xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. My name is Ryan, the vice captain of the ship over here. Our captain, our muscles, our author, our Lord Saviour, Tony Lodge is here as well. Wow, why did you gas me out? Thank you. We are calling Leo. Good morning, Leo speaking. How may I help you? Good morning, Leo speaking. It's Tony and Ryan speaking. Hi, how are you guys? We're good.

How are you, Leo? Not bad, not bad. Will you approve the podcast? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Hey, this is Leo from Melbourne. I approve this podcast. Coming up on today's show. Yes.

Tony Lodge, medical miracle. That is less impressive than that. No, it is quite impressive. There's the seven wonders of the world. I think you could be the eighth. I actually really appreciate that. Thank you. A natural wonder, do you think?

Oh, well. Is there a medical one? Is there? I don't know. What's more natural than human biology? Isn't biology plants? It's like anything, isn't it? Like the human body is like biology.

Atoms. Molecules. Who the fuck knows? All that shit. Yeah, all that shit's coming out. It's plants though, isn't that biology? Yeah. Well, everything's biology.

Everything is, right. And plant is a thing. Right. When you say everything, that includes plants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know everything, does that include plants? But like, because at school, and I obviously never did it, but it was like human bio and bio was like a separate thing, right?

I don't know. I was not allowed and never stepped foot in the science box. No, I never did it. What's the most you do? Singing. Yeah, I did music and fucking humanities and like English lit and shit like that. Yeah, okay.

Because they also did not let me into the science building. So that's Yeah, okay. Because they also did not let me into the science building. So that's coming up soon. But first, is there something you do in your life that you're ashamed to admit? Oh, fuck, what a horrible question to ask. We all try to be good people. It's fucking Monday morning and you're asking people this shit. We all try to do the right things, but sometimes you're in a situation

where you kind of just don't want to do the right thing. You just want to do what you want to do. Yeah. I have something to admit. Is this going to get us cancelled with a K? No, I don't know actually, but I reckon that you listening to this podcast, that you, Tony Lodge, are going to hear what I do and go, nah, me too, or I'm fucking with you.

I doubt it. I fucking doubt it. Okay, let me put it this way. I'm a way better person than you. Well, obviously. I wrote a book. And that's how we measure. I wrote a book. Who's a good person. Have you ever met a shit person that's how we measure i wrote a book who's a good person

have you ever met a shit person that's written a book that's what i thought um can you promise not to judge me though can you at least go i know i'll never promise that all right okay if that, I reckon that even if this is something that you have never done, there would have been a time where you're like, I wish I had the balls like Ryan has and I wish I'd done that because I did the right thing and I regret it. You know that I get peer pressure. I know.

Yeah. And you're like, if someone sees me do this. Yeah, see that. Okay, here's what I'm saying. And you don't even have to say it out loud. You'll hear and you'll go, I wish I did that. All right. I want to be a good person.

But I just can't with paper straws. There, I said it. Turtles. Love them. However. Love them. Turtles, twatus, porpoise, dolphin, whatever. This isn't making it better, but yes.

But last week, right, I was at the pub. Yeah. And normally a paper straw is like very annoying at the best of times. They just, I've literally got one sitting right fucking in front of me. Yeah. And normally a paper straw is, like, very annoying at the best of times. They just, I've literally got one sitting right fucking in front of me. But we ordered a jug of sangria and they gave us, like, glasses that were, like, obviously full of ice, had a straw in them. And, like, to keep refilling from a jug, the straw was fucked by, you know, halfway through the first drink and then you keep going down.

I hear you cry from the bright blue yonder. Why not just fuck the straw off? And let me pour it. It's nice. I'll tell you what's aggressive. At Boost Juice in Vic Gardens, there's a big food court. There's thousands of fucking people around. It's packed.

And they say out loud, name for the order, Ryan, Ryan, did you want a plastic straw or a paper one? That's dog. Don't fucking ask me that out loud. Fuck you. Yeah. It's like when you get fucking asked to make a donation at the checkout. Oh, that's different.

I can tell them to get fucked anytime. No, because they go, would you like to help the starving kids? And you go, well, I'm going to look like a fucking right Carla Condu as I know. First of all, those guys are off commissions. You're not giving money to the African kids. You're giving money to those backpackers who want to get a real job. And then I walk past and they go, oh, so you hate kids in Africa? The World Vision people in the middle or whatever or UNICEF?

They're assholes. Well, it's so awkward because then you feel like the biggest asshole, but normally you're either in a rush or you go, I actually don't want to do that. Oh, are you too busy for poverty? And then you feel like you have to justify it. Like, oh, I donate elsewhere. Like, fucking, you know, you just feel like the biggest flog. But the paper straw, what a way to shame someone in public.

So, of course, when they say it out loud, you go, I'll get the paper straw. I'd love the paper straw, please. So I get the paper straw and it kind of like dissolves after. Because a boost juice is something you'll like sip on for a while, right? Yeah, you're not just chugging it back. So it starts getting soggy and then like it doesn't really work. And then you're like, do I get a fucking spoon?

Like how do I finish this? And then because it's got the boost juice has like the lid with the crisscross. Yeah. So like you can't like because with a boost juice you need to like put the straw up and down to like mix it up or get to the bottom or whatever. And it like rips on the thing. Yeah. And so is it just this might be just me. Yeah.

But when you're like sucking on something, if you don't get the juice, does it feel like unsatisfying? Yeah. I know the double entendre that's happening here, but like, yes. I've tried to like suck it at the top. Sometimes I'll go like all the way down, but I just fucking can't get it. Because you can't take the lid off and like drink a boost juice because like the cups are so big that it, like, comes out the side. Yeah, and then you know how you were saying you have to do the thingamajig?

Like, shook it up and down. So one time, because I'm having trouble sucking the thing, I'm fucking going at it with my hand and then it fucking goes all over my face. And there's nothing worse because it takes forever to get it out of your hair. And your eyebrows. Say when you're at the food court. Actually, more anywhere. Forget the food court.

When you're sucking on a soggy one, you just feel embarrassed. Like, am I doing this wrong? And it makes that noise. What's the noise? Because nothing's coming up. Nothing's coming out. Nothing's coming at all. If I'm sucking on something and I don't get the juice in my mouth,

it ends up being a pain in the ass. And if it's soft and you're not getting anywhere, you've just got to do it yourself. Sometimes I have to carry one in my handbag so that I know I've got a backup. And you don't want it up your back, let me tell you. Yeah, I've heard that before. So am I a bad person for saying this?

Oh, I mean, yes, because fucking, oh, well, if you don't like a cardboard straw, use a stainless steel one or a bamboo one or whatever. Like I tried to do the bring your own straw thing. No. But I did it once. I forgot to wash it. It was in my bag and then it stunk.

Don't fucking stink if you don't wash it. Yeah, because you just don't. I never empty my bag when I get home. Yeah. Don't empty your bag. The other day though, you know when you go to bubble tea? Yeah. And they give you the fat plastic straw.

I don't even describe it as girthy. It is because to get your jelly balls through, get your balls through. Get a nut in there. I thought like, you know what, cardboard straw's not that bad, but kind of used to it now. It's been a couple of years. I had a plastic straw the other day. I thought about keeping that in my bag.

It was fucking heaven, wasn't it? Because it was so good. Yeah. And it lasted the whole time. Yep. I got to like chew on it a little bit. And like it was just so good. You can't chew on a cardboard straw.

There's no satisfaction. Did the bubble tea straw stay firm until you were satisfied? It did. And even Torbs had a go on. He loved it. Hey, this is Leo from Melbourne. You're listening to Tony and Ryan. Welcome back.

A huge shout-out to a few of our champions. I was just off sucking a sock one. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas that hopefully joined us on Saturday for our fun Don't You Want to Fuck Me party. Yep. Grant Thompson, thank you very much. Evan Collins, Celine Sarvich, and Melissa Jenkins. You love to see it. Thank you very much for being

part of the Patreon. If you're listening on Spotify, which theoretically you must be, hit the follow button on the Tony and Ryan page. You'll see us. It makes it easier for you to find us and it really helps us on the back end as well. Makes us look really good to Spotify as well. They're like, fuck, you've got so many followers. Hit the follow button.

Cheers. Now, something happened a few months ago and we have, oh, Tony, is it fair we've only just sort of become aware of it even though it's happened for a while? It's really new and I didn't really, this doesn't really have a conclusion either, I feel. Let's watch this space. Yeah, it's kind of still happening. Is this about you being a medical wonder of the world?

Yes, it is. And maybe not actually because I think this has probably affected more people than just me. But we'll give it a go. Hopefully other people can relate but also can't so that I feel more special. But also please give medical advice because I think if there is one thing the internet's great for, it's for unqualified people to tell you what they reckon.

Yeah, I mean we do that quite a lot. Yeah. Yeah. However, last year, I don't know if you remember, like people listening would remember, but I got really sick around like September last year. You came in sounding like this a few times. And I couldn't laugh for like a month because my fucking throat

was so fucked from coughing. I was like, is my hilarious comedy not quite landing like it used to? Yeah, you know. Or was Tony just unable to breathe? And it was like, oh. Turned out it was both. Is this not working anymore? Yep.

You know, but it was actually just because I was medically unable to laugh. Yeah. But it was about, yeah, September last year, around the same time we got PIPA and Bridget, your wife, was like very early pregnant. Like it was early stages. You hadn't announced anything yet. And obviously, like everybody, I got a cold and was like,

it's obviously COVID. And I was really fucking sick because Bridget was very early pregnant. I was like, I'll keep testing to make sure because obviously I didn't want you to get it. I definitely didn't want her to get it. And so did you have it? And so I was testing. Every day that I was going to see you, I tested and it was negative.

And I was like, oh, well, that's good. How many tests do you reckon you did? Probably four. And so you're just like, oh, it must just be a cold. Well, I just thought it was a really bad cold. Yeah. And, like, no one around me got sick or anything. So Torbs was fine?

Torbs was totally fine. Pippa was fine. You were fine. Your wife was fine. Like, you know, no one around me caught COVID. So I was like, obviously, yep, don't have it. And I didn't really think much of it, but I was fucking crook. Yep.

And then about a month later in October, Torbs and I went to New Zealand. Yep. And we were in the airport. We were wandering around and my best mate, Jag, who we were going to visit, him and his wife, he asked me to pick up him some cologne from the airport like duty free. Duty free, yeah. Cologne and whiskey and gin.

Yeah, like those kinds of things. And so I had booze and I was buying him some stuff and, you know, it was like. My car and the cigarettes. Yeah, you know, got some ciggies, of things. And so I had booze and I was buying him some cigarettes. And, you know, it was like. On a carton of cigarettes. Yeah, you know, I got some ciggies, of course, for the good throat, obviously, that I had at the time. Clear you up. And as we were walking through to find his cologne,

we walked past a stand of perfume that I'd seen online that I really wanted to smell. Yeah. And I sprayed it on like a tester card. Yeah. And like, you know how you spray it and then you kind of shake it a little bit. Yeah. And then you put it to your schnoz.

I did that and I put it up to my nose and I was like, oh, fuck. Like I mustn't have sprayed it on the thing. Maybe like it was spraying the other way or something. I sprayed it again and like shook it. I put it up to my nose. I couldn't smell anything. And at that time, Torbs walked over and goes, fuck, did you spray that like a thousand times?

And I was like, well, I can't smell anything. I thought it must be empty. And he looked at me. We're in the fucking airport. He looked at me and I looked at him and I was like, oh, my God, I've had COVID. You've lost your sense of smell. It's gone.

Because I couldn't fucking smell. And I was like, oh my god, like, what do I do? And I was like, before we, and you didn't have to do it anymore, I don't think, but we COVID tested before we travelled. Yep. And so I was like, I'm still fucking negative. Yeah. Because I'm such an anxious traveller. I was like,

I'm not going to get on a fucking plane if I've got it. And so it was negative. So every single time I COVID tested with like a home test, it was negative. And how long is this flight after that original cold? About a month. So the thing with smell right and Exhibit A,

you don't notice that it's not, like if you couldn't hear, instantly you'd be like, what's wrong? Something's wrong. But that was the weird thing is that I hadn't even noticed that I hadn't been able to smell. And then we were like talking about it in the airport. I was like, do I have COVID now? And Torbjorn was like, nope, we've just done a test.

You're fine. And I was like, I must have, when I had that cold, that must have been because I was fucked. I was so sick. Much like the first time I had COVID, I was really sick as well. But it wasn't the same kind of sick. So you know how there's long COVID, which is, I guess, where we're pondering here.

Is there like long cold? which is, I guess, where we're pondering here. Is there, like, long cold? You know what I mean? Because if you don't have COVID but you seem to have these, like, lasting symptoms of whatever it was that you had. You wouldn't lose your smell with a cold, though. Wouldn't you? No. Like, you get a blocked nose but you don't lose the ability to smell.

So when did the smell come back? So it hasn't. What? When was this? October. So this was October last come back? So it hasn't. What? I still. When was this? So this was October last year. Last year. You're allowed to make last year jokes. Because it was about four months ago. I haven't smelled since last year. But actually, so since September, I haven't been able to smell fucking anything. And I didn't notice because I just like didn't think about it. But then as I was like going back in my mind, I was like, well, yeah,

I haven't like smelt dinner cooking. I haven't like smelt any of Torbjörn's farts and like often they're pretty fucking lethal. You're also living with a dog for the first time ever? Well. Because dogs are smelly. Well, I just didn't think anything of it. Because when you walk into your place, you can tell right away

a dog lives here. In a bad way? Well, there's just that like. Dog smell. Yeah. Yeah you can tell right away a dog lives here. In a bad way? Well, there's just that like... Dog smell. Yeah. Like, oh, a dog lives here. But you don't have that. This is the thing, right? So the other day I was cutting up Pippa's dog... So she eats

like this salmon dog log thing, right? Must be nice. And it's... I hope it is because it's fucking expensive. Yeah, that's what I'm nice. And it's, I hope it is because it's fucking extensive. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And I cut into it and I got this fucking rank meat smell in my nose. And I was like, oh, my God, that's disgusting. Then I was like, oh, I can smell.

It's back. I showed it to Torbs and I was like, is this fucking off? Because I haven't smelled anything for months. This is the first thing I've smelled. He goes, nah, like that's just what it always smells like and it's not that bad. But then since then I can't smell again. So I'm starting to get like wafts of things.

But I was like. Just enough to remind you of what you used to have. Well, yeah, but it's like hypersensitive. So I thought it smelled really, really bad because i hadn't ever smelled it and we've had people for yeah four or five months now and then i got a waft of like yeah pippa's blanket and i was like oh that smells like puppy like doggy and then i got this all brand new anxiety of does our house smell like dog which you've just told me it does. Oh, no, just like hypothetically. Because it is actually right, like the definition of ignorance is bliss.

Yeah. Because I just had no fucking idea and I just hadn't even thought about it. But now I'm so self-conscious because I actually can't smell if things smell. Okay, so let's think about this ignorance is bliss thing. Yes. With smell in particular. Okay. So let's think about this ignorance is bliss thing. Yes. With smell in particular. Yep. Dog poo. Is that a good smell or a bad smell?

Bad smell. Torbs is farts. Good or bad? Bad. Pippers weird salmon mix. Good or bad? Bad. The waft I got was bad.

Random wafts you get on the streets of Richmond. Good or bad? Normally bad. Maybe this is a good thing, man. Maybe this is like the greatest gift. All of the fuck smells that you would smell in your day-to-day life, you can just avoid. Imagine if someone said, here's a magic wand and there's all these things

you don't like and I can just wave it and you won't experience it anymore. But then, so yes, right? On the one hand, that sounds great. A medical miracle. But like I don't know if I smell. I don't know if my hair smells. Like I don't know if my clothes smell. Here's my next question.

Do you know what I mean? Has it, even though it was a slow start, is it fair to say it's ended up being a pretty hot summer? Yes. Let's have some stanky days. Yeah. a pretty hot summer. Yes.

Let's have some stanky days. Yeah. How do you know, like normally, when it's like time for a shower? Well, I mean, I shower like regularly. But I get, you know, sometimes if you kind of do this, like puff your shirt up a bit and you go, whew, yeah, maybe. Yeah. Like, for instance, when I got home from Hot Fine Garbage, we were standing in the sun for a few hours.

It wasn't as bad, I guess, because I had jumped in the ocean. Yeah. But I think the reason I jumped in the ocean is I may have got a bit of a whiff of myself and probably went, oh. Bit of a pong. I might just go and jump in the ocean. Did I smell? No.

No, but did I smell? No. No, genuinely, did I smell? Because I literally don't know. Were you sweating? Yes. Were you extremely sunburnt at the end of the day? Yeah, but it's all fine now, which is good.

Do you think it's fair to assume if you stood in the sun for three hours on your feet the whole time that you would sweat a little bit? Yeah, I was definitely sweating, but did I smell? If the person next to you was sweating bullets little bit? Yeah, I was definitely sweating, but did I smell? If the person next to you was sweating bullets enough that he jumped in the ocean fully dressed. Can you answer my question? Did I smell? I don't know if you smelled, but I just know that I smelled.

Because that's the thing, like you can tell yourself when you get to that point, right? But I can't do that. Like it's like. But do you just accept that you can't smell it so it doesn't matter? But so, right. Remember when I was telling you about on Christmas when Pippa weed in my car? Yeah.

Torbs took Pippa upstairs, right? Yeah. And I was like, I'll get the mat out of the car and clean up the weed and whatever. He took her upstairs. I grabbed the mat out of the car, sniffed it and went, oh, at least it doesn't smell. Not even fucking thinking about it. I got in the lift.

Yeah. And then on another floor, so the door's shut. Yeah. I went up. On another floor the doors opened. A guy walked into the lift and went, phew. And I went, whatever. And then I went up and got out.

So he's got a big stank of piss. Of dog wee. Dog who only eats salmon wee. Was Pippa with you? No. He just thought I smell like piss. But I was like, this is fine. It doesn't smell.

I'll take it in the lift. But it did smell a lot like wee. Like piss. And so, you know. He thinks you pissed yourself in the noughty. Yeah. Little does he know that's not the worst thing you've done that guy. You got away with that pretty well.

I did. But so now, yeah, I can't smell anything. So I have no sense of whether I smell or my clothes or whatever. So I'm going to need you to be more honest and you're not even telling me whether I smell on Saturday and I need to know. Can you please stop looking me in the eye? Okay, I've got two.

What did I just say? I've got two questions for the Tarpers. Put this in the episode thread, the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. We can all discuss this. I have two questions. Okay. One. Yeah.

Is this a good thing? I'll discuss this. I have two questions. Okay. One. Yeah. Is this a good thing? I mean, there's items on both the pros and cons side of the ledger.

But maybe the pros outweigh the cons. Maybe being a medical miracle that you are, the eighth wonder of the world. Yeah. They'll be writing books about you. I know you've written your own book, but people will be writing books about you. Yeah. This is great news.

The second thing I want people to consider is I just need you And they'll be writing books about you. I know you've written your own book, but people will be writing books about you. This is great news. The second thing I want people to consider is I just need you to diagnose Toni in the comments of the internet. Because what else is the internet for? I know that everyone's going to be like, maybe you should go to the doctor. I don't need the doctor. No, we've got commenters. Yeah, I don't need the doctor. I need people to tell me. Tell me what is wrong with Toni in the comments and she will act accordingly on your medical advice.

Did I smell after the event? Um, I'm not going to be offended, but we, like you said, we were out in the sun and I genuinely have no idea whether I did or not. You're not going to believe me because of, you know, no, just say years of anxiety. Um, and the answer is like, I don't know. But yeah. Because I was too busy noticing my own stank to worry about someone else's. But I can't notice my own now. Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know what you're saying. So it's like when I forget about it, it really is blissful. But then when I remember, I'm like, oh, is it bad, guys? Would you like me to tell you if it's bad? Yes. I feel like that's maybe a really good, like, middle point, that if you go, whew, I know you can't smell, but you do. Yeah, but, like, would you rather just not know?

But then I don't want you to go home and say to Bridget, oh, Tony really smelt today or something. I don't know. Is that what you would do? No. No? No, and we'll actually find out on Wednesday's episode why that's not happened.

It doesn't happen. Foreshadowing. Because on Wednesday we've got what happens when Torbs goes home with Tony versus what happens when Ryan goes home with Bridget. Not smelling Pippa and Torbs' farts, though, I think is pretty great. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. All right, let us know.

Let us know if you think this is a good thing. Quickie love to see it here. This is done in the rounds online, but these kids asked if they could write, must have been over Christmas, I'm guessing, winter in the Northern Hemisphere. They wanted to write, let it snow on the windows. Have you seen this one? Yes, I have, yeah. And because of the shape of the house,

they had to kind of wrap it from around the side. So the L-E of let it snow. You can't really see the L-E because it's on the side of the house. And then the way the windows are divided, it just says tits now. Yep. A very sweet idea. Not good execution.

Well, isn't it though? But what is tits now? Like, tits now. You know, like. People are walking past. Oh, quick flash. Right now. Oh, I was going to do it in five minutes, but I'll do it now.

I mean, have you seen the opening scene of Colin from Accounts? Yes, I have. Yeah. Tits now. Tits now. Yeah. Well, beautiful Christmas miracle, I guess. That was a Christmas miracle.

And I think, and maybe this was something I'll have to learn as a parent, is that. Well, you got your Birkenstocks now. This is the pinnacle of ignorance. They don't know what they've done. The kids have just written letters to know. Oh, no, surely as soon as the mum and dad saw it or whatever, they went out there and went, oh, maybe we'll change it. Quick photo for the internet first.

Quick photo for the internet first. Yeah. But they're just kids. They don't know what they've done. And don't you love to see that? My love to see it is this page on Facebook called Food in Places It Shouldn't Be. I already love it.

It's pretty fucking fantastic. I was going through it and this fucking made me shit. It's got like 10,500 likes. Yep. And it's like a book donation, like letterbox. Yep. You know how it's like just got the slot so you can pop a book through. And grab one out?

No, you don't grab it out. Just kind of like you pop it in and obviously it's like donations for like a charity bin or something because someone has opened up the box. I'm guessing the person who works at the receiving of the books and there's just a big pile of books and a box of crackers. And then a used envelope with a note note furiously scrawled on it that says, so sorry, dropped in crackers instead of a book lol. These are safe to eat.

So it's just this box of crackers and this random makeshift note that someone's going, fuck, I put that in instead of the Harry Potter book I was going to donate. I can imagine someone standing in front of the donation box. They're looking at the crackers. They're holding the book. It was one or the other, and I have not chosen the right thing. Because now my lunch is gone.

I've already read this. Now I'm hungry, and I've got a book I've already read. Fuck, I love that. And we'll put that page. What's the page? Food in places it shouldn't be. We'll pop it in there. Like an Instagram account?

It's a Facebook page. Yeah. Fuck, that's good. Fucking roll on the time. That might have to be my new one because I am getting over we're pretending like it's 2012. Yeah, this is it. I've been in that group for 18 months and I'm kind of like, I get it.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's only so much stuff that happened in 2012. Yeah, probably six things. Yeah, and, you know, people talking about the same thing. There's this young up and coming called Justin Bieber. I wonder if he'll make it. I might be able to. He does.

Yeah. I'm from the future and he does. All right, we will chat to you tomorrow. Have a good one. Love you, bye.