Toni and Ryan - Toni's Colonoscopy Report

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

WARNING EXTREME POO CHATSignage typos - Confessions from daycare workers - Colonoscopy high achiever - love ya!!!!!Kids Swearing Compilationhttps://tarpliverecordings.com/Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I've had my colonoscopy. Very proud of myself. Everyone said, oh, the colonoscopy is not that bad, but the prep's part. The prep is the worst. It's painful. You're just shitting water. So there are pictures of my... You're there photos.

I'm from Harry back to Smyria. I'm Shannon from Bothal, Washington, USA. I'm Echo Polivka from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. And I approve this podcast. Welcome. to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Tony Lodge. My name is Ryan.

And Tony actually used to work in a dally at the coal supermarket. I did. You're welcome. Now, Tapa Kate has message with a question. Yeah, question, Kate. She said, I would like to know how good was Tony at customer service when she worked at the dally in Coles. Um, I think pretty, I'm pretty polite. And I don't like confrontation.

So I would never like, say like, well, that's not the thing. Oh, but when some people rub me the wrong way, I get a bit past ag, and especially then I would not know how to control my emotion. So I'd just be like, which one? You know, you get a bit short, but no, for the most part. Like I never had a complaint or anything.

Okay, like a formal one. No, I never had, like, no one ever, like, said the chick in the deli, blah, you know, and we would get that a lot. Really? Yeah. But I never had that. Just like, oh, well, she wasn't very polite or like, Oh, you know.

Oh, like someone would say something. Yeah, they, all the time. Really? All the time. Did they happen in your calls? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, people just would go to the front desk and be like, oh, well, someone in the deli was just not very polite to me. And they would like, like, I'm not exaggerating every day.

There'd be someone. There would be someone that had said something and they got up there and then the manager would come over and be like, hey, we just had someone say blah. And we'd be like, oh, who would be? Was it about, like, do they have an information or whatever? And it was like you're in trouble at school, like, you've been sent to the principal's office? Or they're kind of just like trying to get to the bottom of it? They would just try and get to the bottom of. And I think that they know that like the law of averages, because of the amount of people that did it, they would kind of be like, hey, like someone just said blah.

And it would be like, or they would come over and tell you what they'd said. And you'd be like, she actually swore at me. Yeah. Or this happened. like she's told you her side of, you know. So there was also a lot of that. But I think I was pretty good. The only thing that would really fuck me off is if I had to go to the big freezer.

So we had like in the deli, there's like, you know how there's the big case in the front. Then you'd have one cool room that was like where all the ham and the chicken and everything was. And then we had another one that was a freezer and it had like all of the fish and all. of the seafood stuff in it. Did you get like little jackets put on and the gloves? Yeah, like so if you went in there and you had to do... Can we borrow that stuff for Riga this weekend? Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Yeah, I stole some ski gear from the back of the Maddington Coles. We'll be the only people in Latvia with coal supermarket jackets. Oh my God, that would probably go really well. Yeah. And if you were doing stock take or whatever, you would need to... But like, so if someone said, oh, can I get blarfish, but can I have it frozen? Because I want to put it in my own freezer. you go, so you'd have to go, yeah, no worries, man.

And I'd be like, I can, but it's going to take me probably five to ten minutes. To go out. Because you have to go all the way up there. Put the outfit on. Put the outfit on and then go in there and find the fucking thing that you're looking for as well. Find this random old fish slopping around in the big freezer. So you'd be like, it's going to take me five or ten minutes. And often they'd be like, oh, don't worry about it.

And I'd be like, no, I'm happy to go. But like, you have to weigh. You should have to weigh. You should take that first, no. You have to weigh about it. You go, great. I'm not. Sometimes if people were nice, you'd be like, no, don't worry.

But then sometimes you'd go up there and you could have a little sit down. I was going to say five. When you said five, I was like, yeah, but then you're like, or 10, I was like, well, what's happening in those other five? Sorry, just, oh, I might do a quick wee while I'm. Oh, that's fair. You know? That is fair.

But yeah, so I would say customer service out of 10, seven and a half. Seven and a half. Well, we've found 10 out of 10 at a Tesco. Oh. And this was Kate that sent it through. Can we pop that up on the screen there? Oh. Do you want to read what that says?

Rimmed by passionate people. Now, there's a sticker covering the front of Rimed, but I don't even know what the original, is it trimmed? Trimmed? But you wouldn't say, I've been trimming the meat, even though you, like, you're... Technically, yeah. Grimmed? Trimmed? Trimmed? Primmed? Well, you wanted to be primed because passionate people?

Primmed by passionate people. But what does primmed me? But look, for $5, it looks like someone at Tesco. we'll rim you passionately. And it's actually the best way to have it because I find that when someone's not into it, you're like, no, don't worry. When you, yeah.

Getting rimmed. It's like, you want someone that's interested. Yeah. Mark also commented and said, ha, that joke's a bit tongue in cheek. I had never heard this phrase until I was at a dinner table with my whole family. I was probably in year 11,

year 10 or year 11 and have you ever heard the phrase tongue punch your fart box yeah but not in that yeah like I just wasn't expecting you to say that yeah I mean let's break it down bit by bit so tongue punch your fart box yeah and so why that's not even how you'd want to get rimmed I don't think

why like it's not about the tongue going in the anus when you're 15 or 16 years old does this come up at the family table Yeah, my sister had not long come out as gay. And bless her. She came out on Christmas Day. Isn't that so beautiful? That is a big day. She told my mum while my mum was making the punch in the laundry.

And they're in there to get. This is actually like, it's just so our family. Like, it's really so sweet. And Haley told Mom and she goes, and Mom goes, I know sweetheart. Like, this is, it's beautiful. I'm so glad that you are like feeling, but like, this is fine. Like, we love you. we support, you know, like very supportive mum.

So parent, poor parents float at the muddy gras kind of energy. Yeah. And then, Haley goes, I'm really nervous about telling everybody else. And my mom walks out of the laundry with this punch, but comically large crystal punch bowl. And goes, everyone, Haley bats for the other team. Isn't that? So sweet. Outing it.

Let her tell her story. No, well, I think that she was like, I don't really. I'm feeling nervous. Like it wasn't. She's like, I'm nervous. I've got a speech plan and your mom just goes, I don't really know how to tell everyone. And mom goes, oh, sweetheart.

Like, I'll do it. Oh, lovey, you know? This is a beautiful story. Yeah. It's just so my mom. I just love it. Is anyone else a little bit curious to where we get from here to the sentence, tongue punch to the fart box?

Oh my God. So fair. Sorry, got sidetracked with the other team. Anyway, so she had not long come. out as gay and I think that maybe she'd started seeing someone right and then I think probably my brother was like oh what do you even do you know like riling her up and then I think that she was like coming back and being like oh you know and then I think that maybe somebody else I don't think my sister said tongue punch fart box think somebody else at the table said that and then I think

that that we were all like what the fuck is that and then yeah and I was like yeah I was year 11 I think And this is new news for you? Oh yeah, I'd never heard anything like that. Little Catholic school girl. Isn't it just, I think it's also just the line-up of words. You get hit from multiple different angles. And yeah, it takes your second to unpack it. Yeah.

Yeah. But being rimmed by a passionate person at the test goes, I mean, tell me a better Saturday afternoon. Hopefully that's special still going when we're in London for our Hens Party show. I fucking hope so. So when we go to London for the Hens Party Live show at Troxy Theatre, I think it's well, no. We will be able to go and get rimmed by a passionate person for five pounds. That's good value. I know the pound is high.

What is there? It's like double. What are we looking at Charles AUD? Tent. Is it? Oh, is that double? Yeah. $1.87.

Oh. No, tell me what five pounds is, please. Because I can't do maths. I didn't pass my net. Five pounds is $9.37 Australia. $9.37. I mean, that's $1. good plus fees probably 10 bucks for a passionate rim I mean you can't buy the ingredients for that

you really can't um the other week we heard a story about a kid whose dad had a few bourbon and coax yep and couldn't drive him to daycare the next day yep uh the kid gets to school and said dad had too much coke last night he can't drive uh hilarity in the shoe yes obviously yeah and we've had so many stories about stuff that kids are saying at daycares. It's a wild time. But this one, this is from Tapa Kelly. Hi, Kelly. Her husband is a pilot.

Oh, wow. Right. Isn't it a pilot still just a really elite status job? It feels prestigious. Oh, wow, that is just. Do you know what pilot is similar to for me? Architect. Oh.

if it was like not a real job like I know that there are architects and I know that there are pilots but like when you're meeting them I don't I think I've met two architects in my life I don't think I've ever met a pilot I'll tell you about that hot guy at uni

and then he said he was an architect and the whole class just went oh yeah and I would believe it but I've never have you ever met a pilot yeah family friends are I think my godfather

godfather but like they're like mum and dad's best friends when they were like a pilot. Like a couple friends? Yeah. Are they still together? No.

Oh, good. No, no, no. Good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I think they're both godparents to each other's kids and stuff. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah.

That's a thing back then. Yeah. You don't really hear that these days. They were neighbors. That's convenient. They lived over the back fence and then they both moved to like a similar area. Living next door to someone you really like is because you can hop the fence and You know, like it's good.

Yeah. Yeah. We got along well with my childhood neighbors also. Tony looked at buying a house near my place. Yeah. It was brutally shut down by all the Australian major banks. Yes. Yeah, I'm not going to happen.

So anyway, they're explaining like, oh, dad's off to work. Oh, what's dad do? Oh, he flies the planes. He's in the sky. That's amazing. You know, every time a plane comes over, she goes, is that dad in the sky? You know, like how cute. Probably not.

Yeah, like probably one time. You're an idiot. Yeah. Um, so Callie goes to pick up three-year-old. And they're like, oh, hey, Kelly, like, how you doing? And she's like, good. Like, they're all like a bit concerned. Oh, fuck.

Why? Yeah, because the kid has got to daycare and said, oh, daddy's in the sky now. And they've all gone, oh, heaven. Yeah. Yeah. Where's dad gone? He's in the sky now. Oh, sweetie.

He's at the 7-Ele heaven. Do they have 7-Elevens in heaven? Oh, it's heaven, mate. Of course they do. You want a crispy chicken wrap and a fucking slopey in heaven? They got it. And you know what?

I beg it, it's free. Or do you get like heaven commissary like in jail? Yeah, I reckon you'd get like 10 bucks a day for snacks. Okay. And I just spend. Okay, question though. Is there base meals included, but the $10 can,

cover like something fun. It's snacks, yeah. Yeah. Like God and Gay Time, a slurpy like you suggested. Do you recommend? Because there'd be like a cafeteria. Yeah, they'd be trays. You know, and you line up.

And the food's yum. Yeah, you're in heaven. You know, like, oh, that's heaven. Yeah. Well, you have something nice. You know, oh, here. Yeah. Oh, current coordinates.

But, you know, like, I think that there's like that kind of energy. It's like boarding school. But you're all dead. of all the ways to explain it but it's like boarding school it's like Hogwarts you should go to our local church and say

and if we live meaningful lives we'll go to heaven which is pretty much just like boarding school except death and everyone goes oh fuck that's a bit shit actually doesn't sound great

I think it sounds nice manda I told my three year old that coffee has alcohol in it. Yeah. Because it just seemed easier to explain why she couldn't have coffee. Similar to the word spicy.

Yeah. Can I have some of that? Oh, it's been spicy, darling. It's got alcohol in it. And she goes, okay. Yep. So they get to daycare. Yeah.

And mummy drinks alcohol every morning before driving me to school. Says it helps her get going in the morning. That has to be like a. You'd have to call it. Yeah, you have to do. like a welfare check on that, right? Like that's like... Well, I think that's how Amanda found out about it.

Oh, and you would just be so embarrassed as well. Like, you would just be so embarrassed. And they go, can you come in for a meeting and you go, yeah, and they go, do you want us to pick you up? Yeah, could you, someone drop you off? You send your car around? Yeah. A little chat.

Fuck. That is, that is so scary, though. You would be so embarrassed. Like, how... And everything you would do to explain your way out of that is exactly what you would Say if you were drinking before. Like, no, I don't drink before work. I wouldn't drink before.

Do you know what? Like, all that. And they got, well, that's exactly what someone would say that's been drinking. Prove it. Yeah. Well, I think here's the thing with kids. You do something once and you. I just stick, say.

So Ness had a few friends around on the weekend. Yep, beautiful. That's fun. Festive. Any celebration or? Not too sure. But they were kind of like mixing drinks. and by the pool it sort of feels like.

And she's add a little bit of like vodka to her like Stanley Cup and mixed a bit of a bit of soda, bit of lemon, bit of lime. Oh, put a bubble little vodka in there, stir it around. Yeah. And because it'll stay cold then. Yeah. But then every time she pulls out the Stanley Cup to, you know, have water on the way to work, the kid's like, mommy's drinking, you know, like kind of like.

Oh. Yeah. And so they're at the park, like a busy park. And mom's got her Stanley cup with the water. And the five roll goes, is there vodka in your cup again, mom? And what are you going to say to that? No. That was just one time.

I don't do that all the time. I don't do that all the time. That's just on Saturdays, darling. Oh. Just mommy's special time. Yeah. No, not all the time. Mommy was just a bit stressed.

Yeah. Mum, you said him a big one. You're having a sticky again, Mum? Claudia said... I love that name, Claudia. The concept of mums and dads came up in class. She teaches a bunch of five-year-olds. One little boy, he's the son of a single mother.

Yeah, hot. My mum has lots of boyfriends and they're all motherfuckers. I was trying so hard not to laugh, but also technically he's right. Hot for her, though. Yeah. Get a girl. Yep. Come around.

They're all motherfuckers. It's crazy. Kids swearing. Obviously, you can't react and I know that. But when it's in the correct context and you go, fuck, I can't hold that against you, because that's,

that's right. But it is the innocence of it because I don't know what the word is or like what they're doing. So, fuck it kills me. The not being able to react is one of the true crimes against comedy. Oh, I completely agree.

Because kids are hilarious. Yes. Swear words are hilarious. Yes. Combine those two things. And when it just flows out of them, it's just amazing. All right. So if we're not laughing in the moment, because we're trying not to encourage it.

Yeah. Because you don't react and you just then, ooh, ha, ha, ha. Is there some sort of montage supercut we can do on the internet that's like, hey, the kid's not live in the room with us. Let's just sit back and watch 10 minutes of kids swearing their fucking heads off. Because doesn't that sound like a really great time? Does that exist? And if not, can it exist by this Friday? And because you know that it's... Sorry, I can't.

I'm going to Riga. Cancel the idea. Next one. Yep. Hi, I'm Echo Polifka from Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada. My name is Casey. I'm from Rueva, Tasmania. Hi, this is Shannon from Bothel, Washington, USA.

And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Before we read out the names of the champion tarpers, we did just find a montage of kids swearing. And I can confirm it is as funny. It's very funny. Can we put just a link to that in the... Yeah, everywhere so everyone else can just enjoy a little 30 second reel of kids calling their parents motherfuckers. And I'm pretty sure if I'm not mistaken, Charles, in the caption, it was like part 57 or something.

Like I think that there's like... Part 56, yeah. Part 56. So there's... I get it right, mate. It was 56. What do you think there's 57 different examples out there? I'm really sorry.

You haven't been the same since that diet was in your asshole? Sorry, we're about to talk about colon. Because I had that rimming by a passionate person and that's all different. How passionate was your gastrologist? How passionate were they? But first, yeah, I am going to say a big shout out to a few of our champion typas from our Patreon. If you want to check out our Patreon, all the information is below. But we have a lot of funning there.

Ryan Gassers people up in the... Don't say gas in the group chat. Sorry. Christy Lee, good on you, Christy. Thanks, Christy. Sophia Finnegan. Sandra Goodwater. Well, wouldn't want to be burned water, would it?

Lauren, good on you, Lauren. Got fingered on a plane by Ryan. The fingering pilot. That is the service you get. Ryanair? In Patreon. Oh. Sorry, it flies right in.

Julie, good on you, Julie. Caleb, thank you very much. Unstable Situation. Hope that it evens out soon. Bexter nice. I hope next week it's like, oh, and shout out to. Stable situation. Stabler.

Yeah. Bexter, Gray Sinator, love it. Oh, sorry. Is this the email addresses of my friends from New Ten? Yeah, their hot mail address. Hannah Crickman, good on you, Hannah. Rock Girl 69. So who was that last one?

Billabong lover. Yeah. Nadia. You're a fucking legend, Nadia. I love the name Nadia. I think it's a good one. Yeah. Unless you know a shit one, you know.

Oh. And doesn't that? Do you know a shit, Nadia? Yeah, but it's, but I have to try and not take that out on the name. You know what I mean? It is hard. I think that about like, you know how.

Ryan's. You know how teachers say, like I've seen people on TikTok. Like, it's so hard to name your child. Yeah, because you've had a shit. Because you've had a shit every name. Like, and or, yeah, for me, there's a few from school that I'm like, well, no. Obviously not. One of the biggest benefits of being in Patreon is that Tony personally replies to every single DM in there,

which is usually a joy of Tony's day. But not that it hasn't been helpful, but I feel like a lot of people have been inquiring about your asshole. True or fosh. No, it is a joy. Everyone's very lovely about it. So we've talked about on the show, if you knew here, but we've talked about recently that I had to go and get a colonoscopy because I shot blood last year.

Ryan then also found out he had to get a colonoscopy because he's been shitting through the I have a needle for like 15 years. Well, I'm doing my, I'm starting from the start and my gluten, I'm my dairy and my thought map. What is it? I'm doing my gut journey and we're starting from the start. We're testing everything. And I'm proud of you because it's hard, like to go,

you know what? I want to find out what is actually and try and build some, you know, stability back up in my thumb. Yeah. But so because I had this shitting from the asshole, I'd been to the doctor. They were like, look, we can't make you have a colonoscopy, but it probably is the right call. Barely bowel cancer is like going crazy.

Yeah, it's on the rise globally. Everybody is seeing it in young people. And so. Bit of blood, they're like, get checked. Well, they have, and this is like, this sounds really preachy, but all the doctors I saw were like a little bit of blood, you go, oh, it's just a little bit. Any amount you need to see someone. Like, it's really like you shouldn't fuck around with it. I'm proud of you for doing it because it is one of those things.

We all know we could easily. We don't want to. It's like the dent. You know, like fucking hell. I don't want to go. But you did it. I did. I did.

So I went and had my colonoscopy. And I mentioned, I think last week on the pod about the white diet, got a few messages. People would be like, no, it's not a white diet. It's clear fluids. It's actually both. You have to do the white diet and then you do the clear fluids. Like, that's how it works. I was on the white diet.

And the white diet is like low residue because it's like, um, you, it's, they say like, you can have yellow jelly, but you couldn't have red jelly because red the dye is like stain your bowel so it's harder for them to see. Jeez, you're really inflamed. No, I just had red jelly. I just eat nothing but red jelly. Is that fine? Um, so it's like you do the low residue and then you start the prep, which is where you like clean

everything out. Yeah. And everyone said, oh, the colonoscopy is not that bad. but the prep is the worst part. Now, we've heard this 100 times in the last few weeks. Now you've done it. Yeah. How does that sentence hold up?

The prep is pretty rough. I will agree. But like, it's just, it's painful. Like, because your tummy's cramping, but there's no food in there. And so, like, I- It's like just pooing blanks by the end of it sort of. Yeah. And it's, it's, this is gross.

You're just shitting water. Because all you can have is water. And like, so the day before it, I stopped. stopped eating at 11 a.m. I was here with you guys when I had my last meal. It was 10.55 and she was running. And I was like, well, I've got to put my white rice in the microwave. And then I couldn't eat again to after my colonoscopy, which was the following night.

So it was like 8pm before I could eat again. So it was just, it's just tough. Like that part's really rough. Can I share a vulnerable text message exchange between the two of us? Please. So I believe the first time you drink the prep, it's what, between. 30 minutes and three hours is when it's yeah and so I was like well I'm a high achiever it's gonna come out of me straight away yeah so I messaged Tony an hour and a half in like right in the middle of

the window yeah and I said hey mate like how is it how is you okay yep and Tony said I haven't felt anything at all yet who knew this was also something I would be bad at I didn't say that I was like sweetie like I'm not even good at medically shitting that's so embarrassing But I was like, I was given medication to shit. And it didn't even work. Between 30 minutes and three hours. Yeah, at 90 minutes, I gave up. You were like, I'm bad at it.

And I love that you think 30 minutes was like, I'm winning. It's like, well, no, at some stage during the window, it will begin. And you were like, well, I'm going to beat it. Because you just. I'm a high achiever. I'm going to be straight away. And then when you realized you weren't in bracket's high achiever, you're like, oh. Yeah.

And then I messaged around about half an hour later and I said, I take it all back. I love not being a high achievement. Yeah, yeah. Actually, the extra time not shitting myself was pretty nice. So the day before I went in, they call you and they ask you all these like admin questions or whatever. And they go, okay, do you, are you on any medication? I go, yeah, I take injections for my skin. Like I take like for my psoriasis.

I don't have cirrhosis anymore because I've been taking the thing. Looking good. And they go, oh, have you had a recent surgery? And I go, fuck, I actually have. And they go, have you recently been admitted to a hospital outside of Australia? And I go, fuck, I actually have. And so there's just all of these questions that they were ready to go, sweet, sweet, sweet. And I go, I do have some answers.

I've fallen down on the stairs in an accommodation in Los Angeles and snuck my foot in half. And so all these questions that normally are quick are taking a bit. Yeah. And I can sense that there is some impatient. coming at me from the other side of the phone because I'm taking a bit longer to do the admission. So I think there's impatience coming from your bounce. No, no, no.

And then... You're the time for a few questions? Not really. And then the girl goes like, oh, um, and one of the final questions, do you have a will? And I go, oh, yeah, I do actually.

And she goes, oh, okay. And I went... Oh, is that a problem? And I went, oh, what, sorry. And she goes, I didn't go, sorry. Oh, sorry. I went, oh, sorry, like, what's the?

And she goes, if you have a will, you have to print it out and bring it in. And I went, tell him I don't. I went, just forget about it. Like, just don't fucking worry. There's a lot to unpack you. First of all, did anyone else listening, did anyone else watching, as soon as Tony said, if there's a will, your brain, your brain just. There's a way. I know that's not what you're saying.

What you said is correct by my brain. He's just like, bah. No, no, no, no, well,

there wasn't a way. She goes, if there's will, there's actually not a way. Because if you bring it in, I'm going to kill you. So,

hang on. When you're going in for what is, uh, routine. Yeah, like common. Very common. Um,

just checking. It's not a, and you'll want to, you want to know that this guy's done 3,000 of these. And she had. My doctor had done a million. She does 25 a week. Yeah.

She's a pro. Great. Just a routine day for her. Yeah. What I don't want to hear is me talking about what if I die? Because I'm like, well, what the fuck is going on in there? What's the plane here? Am I going to die with a tube in my asshole?

But because you go under full anesthetic. You have to, like, you're handing over like your life. I've been under heaps of times and I've never been asked for a will. I just, yeah. This is crap. But it was really funny, though. Was it a real hospital? It's a real hospital.

Is this the reservoir shops like out of the back? Yeah, guy just goes, I'll finger your ass. I'll 500 bucks. I went, what a great deal. Yeah. Rimmed by a professional. Yeah, the back of that Suvaki place on Broadway. If you had to.

Yeah. You would go there. Anyway. They use the same stick that the themes on. I'm like a chishka. They rotate your around. They cover me in oil and rosemary. Who's rosemary?

Anyway, and so she goes, she has a wheel. And I went, yeah, I do. She goes, fuck you. And I went, don't worry about it. And did she not? No, I didn't. I didn't take it. Oh, and she just goes, okay.

I just ran the gauntlet on it. I was like, look, it's probably fine. I feel like that's a thing where she goes, now that I know you've got one. I have to. And the fact that you go, don't worry about. And she goes, okay. She just could not have given. She didn't care if I lived or died.

That was her whole thing that she just went. I'm working medical reception. Yeah. And I hate it. Like, she just couldn't have given less of a fucking. Yeah, far out. So after all of the warnings about prep, though, I was very, I know that we're joking about me being like, I thought I would do a good job at this.

But I had taken it so seriously that I was like, I just want to know that I've done everything I can to get like a really clear result or whatever. Anyway, so after I was under. Why have you got paid for it? Well, they give you this like discharge summary of like exactly what they find. everything that they see and whatever. And I just, I just wanted to give you,

yeah, so there are pictures of my asshole here. But that's not what I was, that's not what I was going to show you. But here, I've highlighted a little bit. I know I'm an adult and it's medical, but I just, when I woke up this morning, I didn't. That's the inside.

Like, I think it's fine. Okay. T1 is, um... Oh, yeah. Well, it's weird because now you're seeing what your penis has seen. It's like after you take a photo

on a film camera and you don't know how it's turned out yet and you go, God, can't wait till the Kmart 24 hour film comes back. It's a real canal. Like, it is ribbed for my pleasure on that time. Did you just like it's a real canal? Yeah.

No, you're the rear canal. Now, see, this one here, it's ripped. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no wonder it feels nice. It looks like if you spoke into it and got like, hello, hello, hello. It looks like loony tunes. When I do it, oh.

What? That one. That is the asshole. From the inside, though. It's like a, it's like a, um, selfie. Anyway. Sorry. Let me live.

Sorry. Nah, oh, it's yours. The floor is yours. You know, how. you're like, oh, I gave him the moon. It kind of looks like a bunch of moons, doesn't it? It does. And in that middle one...

This is the one where... In that middle one, you can see one of my polyps that they've taken for biopsy. I'll find out if that's cancer soon. Okay. Should we do a bit of a countdown? Like four days to go until we find out if she's got... No, like, you know, like show beers to kind of give it a razz up? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. A bit like Birxby November when I had my foot operation. Anticipation. Anticipation. TSL, you know, we've got to keep people in. So they give you... A few hairs on your rectum. No, there are. That's the inside.

It's... Show me. Tell me that doesn't look like... I mean, if anyone's... You've shaved erected and there's a little bit going back. Like, cute. Yeah, it's like baby hair. Yeah.

That's cute. That is cute, actually. Yeah. Anyway, so I do have a couple of polyps. I had to have some rubber band ligations on some angry hemorrhoids. Had to shit those out the next day. It looked like I'd fucking hit a possum with my car in the toilet. Honestly, I've never seen a spray of blood like that. And I was like, the reason I came here was because of the blood in my asshole.

You've made it worse. Now, I actually learned something medical in this is that everyone has hemorrhoids. It's just if you have like inflamed ones. Ryan learned that from me. I assume that. So we've all got a hemorrhoids. Yep. Don't clip that.

You all got them But yeah So you have them It's whether they're like aggravated or not Like tonsils was your example Was the example yeah I didn't know that And so I had it

And that what they do is they rubber ban them Cut off the blood supply And then you shitted them out And so I had to have like a proper Like pain blocker directly into my anus And then what actually did end up happening Was because after the surgery

Because you still have to have the prep So your tummy's still like a bit, like your shits are still a bit thin. But the pressure in the asshole from the like nerve blocker felt like I needed to poo like the whole time. Like because it was like pressure on there. So you feel like your turtleneck in the whole time. Anyway. And then I was in bed and I thought that I was fine. But because I couldn't feel it, I had shit.

And then I shit on the floor in the bar. through because I couldn't feel my asshole. In my house. I was on the bed and I'm getting on in a few weeks. I probably don't need to hear this shit. No, I don't think this will happen to you because I don't think you'll have to have the pain blocker thing that I had. So hang on.

You shat the bed. You literally shut the bed. I've shot that. So there's not poo in the bed because I rolled quick enough. But I'm sitting there with my body on the bed, but my ass on. off the bed and as I walked to the toilet the shit fell out of my ass like Hansel and Gretel leaving a fucking trail to get back to the witch's house and then I had literal plops of shit from my bed to the toilet and some on the bath mat tools had to put that in the Samsung washing

machine not sponsored but could be they don't want it Samsung don't want it yeah question I think it would be totally fair that even though we're all adults and you can put it in the Samsung and you can wash it and it's fine something about like if human shit's been on it just fuck it off

toss it out yeah just fuck it off so because my asshole was so sensitive I couldn't actually wipe the shit out of it so I had to get in the shower do we put it to warning on this episode this is fucking I wasn't actually going to tell this story I've got something else I was going to tell

but this is good no is it And then it was so, like, sore my asshole and so sensitive. And I couldn't really, it wasn't supposed to, like, sit on the toilet. It wasn't supposed to, like, you know, spend a lot of time in there. So what are you supposed to do? So then I got in the shower. And with the handheld thing, I, like, tried to, like, reach around and, like, wash myself like a handheld bidet.

But I couldn't really reach it. And I was still, like, really fuzzy and not very well from the anesthetic. So I just stood in the shower and pulled my cheeks apart and Torbs brinks me out. He loves me so much. I was rimmed by a passionate person. I can't get any lower in this chair. I know. I couldn't get any lower in my moral value.

So true. I know. God coast. I know. So you spread him. Yeah. And he just, yeah.

Even though I was like a low moment, it was also a bit, like it was nice. I felt very loved. Like, because I was like, well, what would I have done if we weren't that close. You know what I mean? I'm going to ask you something.

Yeah, please. Can we mention something off air about the pimples? The pimples. The you're like sometimes if I think I've got a pimple in a weird spot. Oh yeah, if I've got like an ingrown hair or something, Torbs will have a look at it. Yeah, yeah. This sounds like a weird sexy thing to say, and that's not how I mean it. Okay.

How much time does Torb spend inspecting your body? Um, not that much. Like six percent of his day. Nah, no, not. Like, I'm, this may be once a month, maybe. That feels higher. Like at the most that I would be like, oh, can you have a look at this thing? Just because I'm like, well, if I can't see it, if it's like on my butt or like, whatever.

Because that feels like a lot. No, but it doesn't. Like, I reckon I've had six stories of guys inspecting girls before and they're all from you. Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. Yeah. So, but I just. think like what am I going to do like if I can't see it I would just be like oh can you have a look at this or if he's like oh can you like see if this pimple on my bum like is it ready because

it's really sore or whatever have you ever you popped a bum pimple off him off his butt he doesn't let me pop anything yeah because he's like no it'll just like take care of itself I just want to know if it looks like infected or whatever who's got the patient he's very patient because when you when you like he's obviously very patient no like it's no like it's But like, when there's a juicy one that could be popped, who's not popping? He doesn't allow it. Anyway, what I was going to show you is that they give you the discharge documents. And I've just highlighted one line for you to read out.

And this is like, so the doctor's been in, she's said all good, everything's happened. And then this is what they give you on the way out. What was the last time you gave me some paperwork with some feedback? What was that from? the email that I wrote to the people ringing Libby's doorbell. Yeah, oh no, there was something else that was just like very self-congratulatory. Oh, it was probably about Birxby November. That like Dr. Taylor had been like, she is well on her way.

Yeah. Yeah. Read it out. The bow preparation was excellent. A Boston bow. Don't know what that means. Keep reading. Preparation score.

Boston bow preparation score Oh Boston bow preparation score Nine Charles Google what the scale is the Boston bowel preparation scale What's it out of? Out of nine

Nine out of nine So it turns out I am a motherfucking high achiever Yeah I shot on the floor Yeah I shot on the floor All good though because I'm a fucking nine out of nine Yeah you did destroy a rug But you are a nine out of nine Nine out of nine.

Yeah. You're probably going to die of cancer in the next three months, but you are a nine out of nine. No, I'm not going to die of cancer in the next three months. I just might find out I've got it. Oh. And that's okay. Then what happens? Well, then I'll deal with it.

And you've already got a will. I've already got a will. Not according to the hospital one. They did not want to hear about it. Have we updated the will since Charles has been the new dog sitter? Because I remember some other dog sitter was very high on the list. Yeah, well, Pippa. And some people in this room, not on the list at all.

No, no one here is on the list at all, actually. That's what I mean, is it time to update it? No, I think that I'm happy with where it's at. And you know what? I wouldn't worry because apparently the will means nothing because they don't even want to hear about it. So I don't think it really matters. But yeah, so pretty good from me.

So I've had my colonoscopy. Very proud of myself. You're going shortly. It's going to be wonderful. I'm not just having a look at my bow. Yeah, all look good. I can't learn anything worse than what I already. Like, today's been an education.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's not bad. It's for medical reasons. Oh, I didn't need to read that before I need one. What did you read? Oh, just like the depth they got. Oh, what is it?

I haven't read, I haven't seen that. I just saw that I did so well and I was like, that's me done. Then I stopped paying attention. Yeah. Hey, Danny, you've had a few colonel. Is you ever got on nine? I've never really seen my school. I have the same document thing there.

I should check it. I'll let you know. I bet you've never got them. No, probably not. I wonder how many people care as much. I just couldn't believe it. And you know, it was the first thing that they said to me when I came out of anesthetic, they wheeled me back into the recovery area or whatever.

And I was just like, oh, how are you feeling? I was like, yeah, are we all done? Like, well, and they go, yeah, like, it was a success. And they say, girl, you've got the cleanest ass I've ever seen. Your bowel preparation was some of the best I've ever seen. That's what Dr. Das said. I'm actually not even fucking you. And she and I was like, can you write that down?

And she goes, it's in the report. Because I was like, I want to remember this. And then I fell back to sleep. And then I woke up and I was like, sorry, I think I dream we were talking before. She's like, no, we were. You fell asleep while we were talking. I've just had a bit of a Google. And so they're saying a large majority of people normally get a seven or a six, six seven.

But there's not a lot out there who get a nine. That's wonderful news. I would take that to the grave, probably soon, pending the cancer diagnosis. What should I be aiming for? I think a seven is wonderful. I think I've got a 10 in me.

It doesn't go to 10. Not with that attitude. That's what losers would say. No, it doesn't go to 10. It says they went in 15 centimeters with no difficulty. Because of my wonderful preparation. Doesn't the word no difficulty?

It feels like a reed, doesn't it? No, I was a little bit. I played coy a little bit. I didn't give it up straight away. That's what it reads. Yeah, just gave it up. You've got the easiest asshole we've ever seen. Clean, but easy.

Couldn't touch both sides at once. Withdrawal time is funny. Cool. All right, well, I've had enough now. Okay. I've got any love to see it. Do you have the pictures of my bowel? I've got my over here.

You got those there for safekeeping. Google the bow scope. and then you click images, a lot of those pictures show up. Mine. Not yours, but just a lot of other people's. Yeah,

you've just seen a lot of anuses. My love to see it is from Lucas. Hi, Lucas. I find, okay. Wonder what Lucas scored on the Boston Bowscale. I'm actually not joking.

When you hear about Lucas and his life, you'll be like, well, if anyone got a 10, it was probably this guy. Okay. He just got that energy about. Yeah. Because some people just,

you know, Some people just do life right. Some people ooze excellence. You're looking at one. I don't think that was excellence. It was excrement. Ouse something. Some people just ooze escriman.

I finally landed a job which allows me to work from anywhere. Whoa. Fully remote. That's so sick. So now I'm looking for something on the Italian coast. Uh-huh. Taking any suggestions and recommendations from tarpers. Can I just say you are asking the wrong people?

Yeah, I was like, what? Just so far out of the Tarpers wheelhouse, all of us. Like, what do you mean? Where's your favorite Italian coastal town to live in? Yeah, where's your favorite restaurant on the Amalfi Coast? I got, what? They got a pizza hut there or something? Yeah.

Do they have a coles or I could get a hot chicken? Do they call a parmesan there or is it just? Do they say parme or parma? Let's go to Italy and make a meme about that. Oh, I would love to have a parmigana every day. Anyway, yep. Um, and he's off to Italy. That's wonderful.

His remote job, I don't know what the job is, but he's just like, oh, cool, I can work from home. No, I'm moving to the Italian coast.

Fuck yeah. I mean, you would if you could. Getting conola coscopized in Melbourne and he's off in the Italian coast. Yeah. Yeah, he would get a 10. You were absolutely right about that.

Wow done, Lucas. Um, I've pretty love to see it here from Natalie, who shared this on Patreon. Um, and she's, and it's very wholesome.

It's very. sweet and it gave me such a warm feeling in my tongue that I wanted to share. No, that's the prep. That's the prep that are shitting fucking lava. Natalie, I know, hey Tony, I know this is an odd and totally random question, but I wondered if you could do my 10-year-old daughter a favour. The 10-year-old daughter is called Haley. She recently found out that sea turtles are extinct and it broke her heart.

So her little daughter has been like, you know, probably watched totally wild or, Or, you know, do I still make that show? Holy shit. But, like, probably watching something on YouTube maybe and going on like, oh, I don't know if they're extinct or endangered. But it broke her heart. She really wants to raise some money for the Sea Turtle Conservancy. And I wondered if it was something that you could share on the podcast to help, you know, she wants to raise awareness. She said, why are kids so wholesome?

They are beautiful. Daddy in the sky. Question. Question. are they like extinct extinct? Are they like close to being extinct? I think very badly in danger. Okay, great.

Because if they're extinct instinct, and I was like, there's not a lot we can do. Yeah, but so if you go to conserve turtles.org, there is a bunch of information. And I actually just had a great time reading up and learning about sea turtles.

There are some turtles that they've like tagged to follow the migration patterns and stuff. And you can look at where they're at and stuff. And I think it's like $35 US dollars. You can sponsor a turtle. And I just, I thought it was really sweet. And no one, you know, like,

this is not me like begging for money for the turtles. Yeah. But like, Haley is really, really passionate about turtles. And we love the ocean. We love the sea life. I adopted some coral the other day.

You know how you can do that? No. Oh, I keep getting the ads on Instagram. Adopt coral.com, I think, or something. Can I? And I adopted some coral. I need to ask the question.

Please. And just like, we're all thinking the same thing. Oh my God, yeah, always. Turtles. Love them. Love them. You seem to have changed your tune. I said I loved them.

I just prefer a plastic straw. At no point did I hope they went extinct. You know, is that my fault? Sort of, yeah. The plastic straws. Let's not because she can't get them anymore. But, you know, I just thought how sweet that Haley's just decided that she loves turtles. Yeah.

And I just, you know. What does Haley get when she goes to Boost Juice? She gets a paper straw. Yeah. Good. And she would too. She's a really good girl. She is.

But then when I was on the website, it's actually really sweet. So it's like 35 US dollars or something. And you could, and from there's like tiers. So it's like 35, 65, 75, 75, all the way up to like 5,000. that you can adopt a turtle. Yep. And then you get updates of where it's at and whether it's mating and like, it's really sweet.

Super cute. And Natalie just said like, oh, Haley's, you know, she said, oh, what about the podcast? Maybe they could help. No, absolutely. What's the website one more time? Conserved turtles.org. And it's like, it's worldwide.

Yep. Love it. And even just clicking through and learning about them was pretty interesting. It was like I was writing a school report on a turtle. But that's what it felt like I was doing this research. But you watching turtles underwater would be your like happy place, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I love it. Beautiful animals, the ocean. Because didn't you go through a TikTok phase where it was all just like whales and dolphins? It's still now. Yeah. Yeah. A craft and DIY and underwater.

Deep sea diving. I get a lot. It's a shame you can't do this. I was just trying to pitch like you crafting underwater. Well, my hot glue gun is wireless. So, I mean, that's basically. basically the only thing holding us back. So it would be sweet.

Okay. And I did adopt the coral. Thanks for asking. Okay, great. Yeah, I get the ads for it all the time. Do they name him? It's just under my name. Oh, so it's not like this is Bob?

Yeah. You like, so it's like you. So if I met some coral and be like, who are you? And they'd be like, oh, I'm Tony. They go, hi, I'm Coral. That's funny. Thanks. All right.

We'll be back tomorrow. Who are you? Any other donations? You want to sling out this week? I'm available. You're available! I could donate you some lunch. I know you had Nandoes yesterday, but you could get something else today.

Well, I'm not having Nandoes. I don't like it. I think it's shit. I told you that. In privacy. Was the privacy that it's still in the bin? The bin holds things in privacy. The bin is a vault.

The bin never reveals your secrets. Yeah, no, that's fair. And thanks for not bringing up the Pachiona cans. Oh, I didn't even. Cancer. A couple of pashies. I've said too much. Oh, I love you.

I'll be back tomorrow. Yeah. We're here every day, did you know? It was a big day for everyone today. So I just thank you for sharing. Thank you so much. Yeah, anytime. Love you.

Bye. Bye.