Toni and Ryan - Toni's Sexy Audiobook Audition

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

I've decided I want to read sexy audiobooks! Also we have a very exciting offer to our biggest fans in PERTH which you'll love, and you can find our mate Josh @wood_tattoo! Plus you can join our Patreon here - patreon.com/ToniandRyan and join our Facebook Group! Love u Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hi, is that Annika? Yeah. Hey, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hi, good, thanks. How are you? Good.

Did we organise this call? You seem shocked and surprised. Have I called at the right time? No, no, it's okay. I'm just out at a picnic at the moment. Oh, well, we're in lockdown. Must be nice, mate. It might be a lockdown picnic.

Well, no, it isn't. But, yeah, Brisbane is a bit lovelier up here. Oh, okay, mate. Okay, righto. Yeah, great. All right, Robert Wrighty. Thanks, honey. Sorry I'm busy living my free life.

I don't remember what it was like to have plans on the weekends. Do you know what I mean? Oh, man. I do feel for you guys. Actually, next year I do feel for you guys. Actually, next year I'm moving down to Melbourne, so I'm actually going to be joining you in the lockdown crew eventually. Okay, please don't say that we're still going to be in lockdown next year. Yeah, why would you say that?

Jinx it. No, no, no. You'll be out of it by then. I have faith. If we are locked down next year, it'll be on, like, Channel 7 News and they'll be like, well, everything was looking well until Annika from Brisbane jinxed us and hey all publicity is good publicity hopefully they mentioned the podcast yeah give a shout out exactly yeah so before we let you go back to

leaving your awesome delicious life that's free and has fun things in it would you approve this episode so we can get started yes Yes, I definitely approve it. Oh, what a legend. Thank you so much, Annika. Enjoy your picnic and I sure will chat soon. Yeah, sorry for interrupting your day, mate. Oh, no, that's okay. I hope you enjoy making the podcast too.

Love it, guys. Oh, my God, that is so kind. I don't think anyone's ever said that before. Enjoy making it. Yeah. Wow, Tony's in a bad mood today, so we'll try our best. Oh, fuck off. Okay.

Bye, Annika! Bye, love you guys. Love you, bye. Oh, should I have said it back? Hey, it's Annika from Brisbane and I approve this podcast. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My name is Ryan. Let me introduce you.

Sorry. Are you? Sorry. Have I woken you, mate? Sorry. I don't know what just happened. Hanging out with you is one of my favourite times of the week. Yeah, me too. And look at you, looking at your watch, yawning,

trying to get this over and done with. The yawn was really, really rude. I'm so sorry. I just literally just got over it. You know what? What is happening? Tony. I'm so sorry.

I just got overcome with a yawn. That never happens to me. What is going on? I'm so sorry. That's so incredibly rude. Yeah. Well, look, one of us would like to say just how proud I am and privileged I feel that you would spend your time right now,

whether you're going for a walk or you're on your way to work, whatever you're doing, listening to us. I really appreciate that and don't take it for granted. But I'd love to go back to bed. Yeah, well, and how. Tony, what's coming up? Okay, so as bored as I sound, there's somebody that's offered something that maybe our biggest fan will be interested in,

which is I'm not eligible because I was falling asleep. Yeah, you're not eligible to be a fan of the – are you in the group, Tony and Ryan? I'm actually the Tony. Oh, righto. Yeah, yeah, cool. So here's a question for the ladies who are listening. Ladies. Ladies.

Ladies. Let's just be honest here. Despite years and years and decades and centuries of education, how much does the common man actually know about the female body? I don't think it's much. Interesting. I don't think it's much. Interesting. I don't think it's much. Have you ever read those text posts on Twitter or an article on Reddit or whatever and it's

women's worst sex stories or something and it's like, oh, I had a guy who literally rubbed my leg for 10 minutes and was like, cool, you're all good. Did you? Yeah. Did you get there? Because I'm done. Not only did I not, you actually didn't get near the thing that could. Yeah, exactly right.

Exactly right. He just rubbed himself on my leg for 10 minutes, finished on it. Yeah, and that was done. Okay, so I've stumbled across something which is probably proof that men have a long way to go to knowing much about the female body. And these are supposed to be professionals. I've found some... Pawn stars.

Second-tier professionals. Here is some adult fiction, like saucy novels, written by men, that when females read it go, has this writer met a woman before? So, Tony, I thought considering you have done voiceover work, a former singer and performer, maybe getting you to read out the sentences in a beautiful, delicious voice. Okay, yep.

And maybe we'll both... Have some water. Have some water. Have some water. Maybe we'll see where some things start to go a bit like, maybe not making much sense. Have you ever listened to My Dad Wrote a Porno, the podcast? Yes. It's obviously an incredibly successful podcast.

Yep. But if you haven't heard it... Are they similar areas? Don't tell me I've ripped off a great podcast. No, no, no, no. So that whole podcast, if you haven't heard it. Are there similar areas? Don't tell me I've ripped off a great podcast. No, no, no, no. So that whole podcast, if you haven't heard it, is actually based on the main guy, his dad writes a porno. Geez, they've named that well.

Yeah, and they read out the porno and there are just some absolute and if we're talking about bangers versus clangers, it's a banger. It just occurred to me that this will be similar and now I feel like I'm stealing their idea. Oh, well, I mean, our dad didn't write this. We don't have the same dad. No. It's not our dad anyway.

Our dad wrote Cypriot Pornos. Cypriot. Cypriot Pornos. But there are bits where it's like pop me open like a Tupperware and things like that. Like it's so funny. So I'm excited to see how this holds up to Rocky's books

Alright well Have I given you one there? No That would help I've got a picture of the guy from the last episode With the high boots and the acrylic nails Oh he's from Brisbane he's delicious He's from Brisbane?

Okay the first one Actually quick question Uh huh question Do women's boobs What? Nah Do boobs Do women's boobs... What? No. Do boobs... Do boobs?

Do boobs. Do women's boobs twitch? Twitch? Hmm. Like when a muscly dude can like... Yeah. Nah. Okay.

Well, I can't. They're too heavy. There's too much in there. Well, read this first one here, please. Okay. So I'm not looking at the bottom yet? No, just that top one, yep. Okay.

November 5, 2012. Seiko Kuriyama awoke with a start, her heart thumping wildly. Almost as if her heart had taken over her entire body. Its pounding emanated outwards, causing her breasts to twitch with surging pulsations. Excuse me, go to a doctor, Seiko Kuriyama. Today, yet again, Seiko was unable to get up for several moments after awakening. Definitely not.

No? I don't think so. No. Maybe if you had very small breasts you'd get close. My boobs are too heavy to move by themselves. I've got to get a crane and hoik them out of bed. Did I sound sexy? Oh, no, I didn't.

I sounded too clinical. I reckon you could amp up the sexiness, but I feel, to be fair, I feel like the words provided to you didn't help with the sexiness because of the ludicrous sea of what they were. All right. Here's the next one. because of the ludicrous sea of what they were. All right.

Here's the next one. She had massive alluring breasts that moved in reverse rhythm when she walked. So you take a right footstep but your left boob moves. Oh, when I heard reverse rhythm, I was like clockwise or anticlockwise and they're doing the opposite of what's normal but then obviously I don't think there is a normal. And also whose boob is going up is. Well, you haven't seen the show.

Spinning around. Oh, like when you've got pasties or like nipple tassels or something. Who was that sexier, do you think? We're getting there, yeah. I reckon this next one will be the one for us. You're getting there. I didn't even tell me twice. Put a towel down.

I reckon this next one will be the one for us. You're getting there. I didn't even tell me twice. Put the towel down. If someone described your boobs as sweet, is that a weird? You have sweet boobs. I think if it was like a skateboard and he was like, oh, those boobs are sweet. Sweet boobs, man.

Yeah. Then that's pretty cool. And like a skateboarder. Really? Skateboarder for you? Oh, yeah. You're like a skater boy. Avril Lavigne's on the podcast today. Of course. And like a skateboarder. Really? Skateboarder for you? Oh, yeah. You're like a skater boy. Avril Lavigne's on the podcast today.

Of course. That's cute for you. Yeah, like skater boy, likes, you know, hardcore music, got like fleshies, like covered in tattoos, that kind of thing. Torbs could not be more different from what I just described. The exact opposite of the person I live with is the person I yearn for. No, mate, there's no yearning involved. Excuse me for putting words in your mouth.

Read this top one here. Put something else in my mouth. All right. Okay. And this is your chance to really sex it up for us. Okay, so here's my audition to become a smut audiobook reader. Yeah. She had small breasts, but they were very sweet.

I mean, there's all kinds of breasts when you think about it. Noisy breasts and quiet breasts and angry breasts and melancholy breasts. What the fuck? Did you see her? She's got angry breasts. Yeah, they're melancholy breasts. Let's get her to a doctor. And sincere breasts and superficial breasts and arrogant breasts and

shy breasts and probably lots of other kinds too. Her breasts were just very sweet, like Mary herself. How's that making you feel, boys? It's making us feel lots of things can we just go through maybe six to midnight um which of those breasts that the male author has listed can you actually picture as being a real thing that you would describe someone's breasts as i feel like all of these words just mean big or small. Like I feel like a male author is going to say, oh, arrogant breasts,

like they're too big, or shy, oh, she's shy and meek, she's got small breasts. Oh, I thought it was more the personality of them. I didn't put them to size. I'm more offended by this than that, I think. Okay. That someone would write like, oh, that's a melancholy breast because they're small.

You must be sad because your breast is small. As a woman. What breast do you think I have? From that list? Pass me the list back. Keeping in mind you flashed me when we were at that photo shoot What? So when we got our photos taken for the podcast cover

Because we were both really nervous We were trying to tell each other jokes to get each other laughing and smiling Because we were both really nervous about the camera And then you were like, I know what will get him smiling And then you flashed Brow was on Was it? My brow was on.

Are you wearing a brow right now? No. No, I'm not. Why not? Because... You're not wearing some sort of underwear, right? sort of underwear, right? I'm not because this morning I was planning on meeting Ryan at 12.

I get a message from you at 10 saying, hey, I'm actually, like, good to go if you want to get going. And I was like, oh, my God, of course. So I jump in the shower quickly. I slipped my dress on so I could do my hair and like pop a bit of makeup on so I didn't have to put my dress over the top. And then I was like, fuck, I'm running so late. So I ran out the door basically, popped my mask on, jumped in the car, drove over to work.

While I was driving to work, I realised something didn't feel quite right and I forgot to put on underwear this morning. Which, the top or the bottom? Both. And what are you wearing on top? Just again. Quite a flowy, summery dress. And we went to get food on Swan Street.

Yeah, busy, busy street. Busy road in Richmond, Melbourne. How would you describe the weather? Windy. Yep. Pretty windy. Wouldn't disagree. Yep.

And that wasn't just from Tony. That was such an old man joke to say. So, yep, it happens to the best of us. Sure. I forgot to put my underwear on. Barometric pressure, high. Is it true that you changed your lunch order? So when walking across Swan Street to go get a banh mi,

we thought, oh, love a little crispy pork veer roll. Yep. We got that. The guy in front of us ordered a Vietnamese iced coffee and I thought, oh, I'm going to get a Vietnamese iced coffee. And then you said, Tony, is that the best? Go on. Is that the best idea?

Because you haven't worn any underwear. I mean, a strong, potent Vietnamese coffee and you don't have any underwear, there's no protection between you and the outside world. Who knows what's going to happen in the next half an hour. The condensed milk. To answer your question, I'll describe your breasts as embarrassed. between you and the outside world. Who knows what's going to happen in the next half an hour. The condensed milk. Whoa. To answer your question, I'll describe your breasts as embarrassed.

Hey, it's Annika from Brisbane, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. We're not going to bang on about this all the time, but I just wanted to give you another reminder that as of this week, the Tony and Ryan podcast has a Patreon. Lots of people asked for it, which it's not really common in Australia, so we felt a bit awkward and a bit strange because it's people paying money to support the podcast. We want to do longer form videos, maybe some more episodes. And we need support and help because we are having so much fun doing this, as you can probably tell.

And to have people support us would be great. If you can't or that's not your thing, the podcast is always going to be free. You can always listen. There will be no pressure or judgment because, like I said, it's actually not that common in Australia. So we totally get it. But the lowest tier is $4 Australian a month, which allows you to be a podcast approver. It allows you to choose the movies and TV shows that we review.

And there's different tiers that go up to us doing a personalised video for you, you getting shout-outs, right up into the top tier where Tony will actually learn how to be a marriage celebrant, which you actually want to do. That's like not totally a joke. No, I do want to become a marriage celebrant. She will administer your wedding ceremony. I will.

I'll wear underwear as well. Really nice touch, especially on someone else's wedding day. Wedding day. Yeah. Outside, conditions, windy, someone else is getting married. It's just not appropriate. No. No.

But, again, there's no pressure. If you can do it and you'd like to, that would be amazing. If you can't do it, that's fine. Also, you can opt in and opt out and you can access the older content as well. There will be exclusive episodes, though. Yep. Two a month. Two a month, which you get to choose the topics.

So you say, I want to hear you guys talk about this. Have you guys had a story about that? There will be exclusive ones for the TARPers, T-A-R-P, which is Tony and Ryan Podcast. Someone thought of that in the group. We don't know who it was, but thank you. Thank you. You can have a free TARP subscription.

No, they can't. The one person who thought of TARP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reach out. Reach out, reach out. But patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan, or I'm sure there'll be a link in our group and in the link in bio and stuff on our thing.

So thank you so much for your support. We bloody love you. We can't believe the crazy month we've had. And also for the month of October, the amount of... I don't know if I want to keep promoting this part. Oh, I do because I want to eat heaps of chicken nuggets. Well, okay, no, but you go. All right, so all the way through October,

the amount of people that subscribe to our Patreon, on the 31st of October, we're going to lock it off. Well, you can keep joining. But on the 31st of October, no matter what number of paid subscribers we get, that is how many chicken nuggets we will eat on a live stream or a video. We haven't decided yet. Well, it depends how many nuggets I reckon.

It depends how many. If it's five, then probably. We'll do it in a reel. Yeah. 30 seconds is all we need. Bang, tick tock. Five people, five nuggets. 500 people, 500 nuggets.

Hey, kill us. Bring it on. 12,000 Patreons, 12,000 nuggets. We will wear underwear for that day. Yes, we will. We have to, legally. Because I'd hate to see, after consuming a few little nuggets, for a few little nuggets.

Okay, speaking of people getting around the podcast, Tony, you were quite excited with a message you got from someone who listened? So I got a message on Instagram from a friend of mine. New friend. New friend. E-friend or friend? E-friend. Oh, no, friend. Okay. Real friend. He messaged me on Instagram. Here we go. I'm going to read you the message because it's very exciting. Hey, Tony. Love the podcast. Thank you, mate.

I'm a tattoo artist in perth i love listening to you guys whilst tattooing now that caught me off guard that i don't know how i feel about that because we talked about this yes so a few episodes ago we talked about some feedback we got from someone who was getting their first tattoo and listening to us while they were getting tattooed. And a few people in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group said, hey, is this the best, love you guys, but is this the best podcast to listen to while you're getting tattooed because you'll be laughing and moving around, that's going to really piss off your tattoo artist.

Or wreck your tattoo. Yeah, exactly. But me, in my self-centred world, I read the thing and it said, first tattoo, Tony and Ryan. I thought that she was getting a Tony and Ryan tattoo because I'm an arsehole. That was not the case. Who do you think you are?

Exactly. You've got a house with two smart TVs. You've got two bathrooms. You've moved into a new place with a big courtyard. And, oh, people are going to get a tattoo of me on their person. Well, and I was completely wrong, right? It was a cool other different tattoo that had nothing to do with us. Yep.

However, may I return to the text message? Just listen to the episode where you thought someone had tattooed you on them. I'd love to do some free Tony and Ryan tattoos for fans to make that a reality. Whoa. Keep up the good work and keen to listen to tomorrow's episode. Now, this guy is a legit tattoo artist in Perth.

Yep, so you can follow him, wood underscore tattoo. He's got like a Jara Vegemite kind of profile picture. He's a legit tattoo artist in Perth. A lot of people listen from Perth. We've both spent a lot of, you grew up in Perth. I lived in Perth for years. We both know Perth well. We've mentioned Perth stories.

People are messaging back going, I've also been to that place in Perth. There will be people right now. That are listening. In Perth. In Perth. Who could have just got themselves a free tattoo. What's in it for you? Nothing.

Well, a tattoo, I guess. Well, yeah. I mean, he's going to do a great job. Yep. Would you... You've got tattoos. I do. Would you ever get a tattoo of a person that's not you or your child or your partner?

If it was for a gag, I'd do anything for a gag and you know that. What about for a joke? Would you get a If I thought of something funny Oh my god There's this TV show in the UK Just tattoo of us Yes

Where I pick a tattoo for you And you pick a tattoo for me Yes Yes I would 100% do that But there would be a size limit And probably a location limit Just because I've got enough shit tattoos Okay let's pin this

Because we have a tattoo idea already and that is someone in Perth. Yep. And, again, I have no assumptions or expectations that someone is going to take him up on the offer because if you are, I mean, check your life choices. Yeah, I mean, get a life. But so Josh is willing to do this

and we are thinking let's not take the piss out of Josh you know he's a real professional who does professional work exactly and actually his stuff is is really gorgeous this is his Instagram so he's got a few like colored like new school things like a few daggers it's actually really the style that I really like most of my tattoos are this style that he does um except for the one shit one that I fucking hate. If there's any tattoo removal places listening, I would love to fucking hit you up. Which one? I've got one on my arm that I absolutely hate.

Show me. And it is why I always wear a jacket. Really? Yep. Can you show me? Yep. Go show me now. It's this one.

What is it? And that is it. Can you show me? I just showed you. What is it of? I hate it. What is it of? Well, it. What is it of? Well, it's lyrics to a song.

And you don't like that song anymore? No, it's not really about what it is. It's just the way that it looks and where it is. Do you want it removed or? I don't want to cover up. Okay. No. Well, it just would have to be massive.

It would because there's a lot of lyrics. It's a big. What is that, Stairway to Heaven? That's a be massive. It would because there's a lot of lyrics. It's a big. What is that, Stairway to Heaven? That's a massive song. It goes for fucking nine minutes. Anyway, so, yeah, if there's any tattoo removal places that are interesting, hit me up. Anyway, so Josh, our friend, wood underscore tattoo on Instagram.

You can go and check out his stuff because he's a friend of the show now. Should we do a separate specific post in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group? That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, I think we have to. And I think maybe should we decide, so this is live brainstorm. Okay. Should we decide what it is or should they get to decide what it is? I thought it was going to be of.

Oh, yeah, but what is it? It's not going to be our fucking faces. Isn't it? No way. Oh, my God. No, it's going to be going to be our fucking faces. Isn't it? No way. Oh, my God. No, it's going to be like a Tony and Ryan tattoo. Of Tony and Ryan? No, that's ridiculous.

We do not expect anybody to get our faces tattooed. I thought that's what this was. Absolutely not. No, but a cute idea that I maybe thought of was maybe if someone had, like, a bread and a butter. Oh, that's cute. I thought that would be quite cute. Yeah, that is cute.

And like at the bottom it could say tarpa. Jeez, you're really adding to it now. Well, I thought that would be quite cute. Just like less than a palm size. I should hope so. Or just like maybe literally just like T-A-R-P, just tarp somewhere. Yep. Just like tiny little word like tarpa.

So you can be like, yeah, I love this podcast, tarpa. What if someone got, and I would love this for the person and for you. Yes. I think because of your glasses and your fun like top knot that you would have a great like outline silhouette. Oh, like line drawing. Yeah. Yeah.

And you've got big hair and the headphones. Well, the headphones are removable. No, but like as the podcast, it's how we look at the podcast. But I just think a nice cute line drawing of Tony Lodge would be really special for someone. I don't think that I want anybody to get my face tattooed on them. Every time they're feeling down, they would see your beautiful smiling face and they go, hey, this world ain't all bad

because Tony Lodge is in it. Mate, you're married. Sorry for being a supportive friend. On your bike, mate. Okay. Anyway. There's the offer. I mean, there's a couple of ideas, obviously.

You're allowed to come up with some things. What if this is actually genuinely a live brainstorm? We haven't discussed this. What if we put up a post in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group? Maybe people can put in a few ideas. Maybe we could whittle it down to a couple of people. Yep. And maybe those people could, like, battle it out either on the group.

Yep. We could get them on the pod. We could maybe ask Josh if he's like, I'm not fucking tattooing your face on somebody. Yep. Then that's fine. They're eliminated. Okay.

But I feel like next week. We will have an answer. We'll have an answer. And I think we only make Josh commit to one person. Yeah. Like he's a professional. He's a professional. Yeah.

And we don't have any money to send him because the Patreon's not up and running yet. Hasn't started yet. Once that gets started, I mean, give me the tattoo pen. Maybe we make that another tier. Would that be above getting married? Yeah, a tattoo's more permanent than a marriage. You can get a divorce. Oh, well, I'm hoping to get this one.

Maybe that's the idea. Okay, well, we've got some work to do on our end about tiers. Yeah. And you've got some work to do on your end. You are not. No. Tony is so happy with her joke. Okay, fine.

Anyway, ta-tarp. Tarp tour. Close. There's something there. I'm going to love to see when someone gets a tattoo based on something to do with this podcast. I really hope that no one wants to do it. Same.

I feel guilty now. I feel horrible. Please no one respond. And our mate Josh has said that he would do this, which you love to see it. I do love to see. He's offering his time and his services, but I feel really bad for the person that's on the receiving end of this.

You know something I love to see? Tell me. I love to see people try me. I love to see people try new things, start a new business, maybe switching career, doing a uni course, really upskilling and trying new things. Yeah. This girl in the US has

a bit of a side hustle. Uh-huh. Someone you know? No. I just saw this on TikTok and a guy is basically walking around a university campus doing little videos which are all really fun. And he's like, hey, tell me the craziest thing that's ever happened to you. And she goes, oh, well, let me tell you about this little side hustle. And this is what I love to see.

Have a listen to what she's doing for a bit of extra cash over the summer. Over the summer, I met up with like a sugar daddy. So his plan was to pay me 10K for peeing on his face. And I peed on his face. I pay me 10K for peeing on his face. And I peed on his face. I got the 10K. And then I came home and I like blocked him. Haven't talked to him since. Two months later, I walk into class.

First day of school. First class. He's my professor. I'm guessing he didn't love to see that. You love to pee it. Did she pee on his face? Holy moly, 10K. I'd piss on someone for a dollar.

Is that an extra layer for the Patreon? Absolutely not. I can't believe... I love hearing these sugar daddy stories. These women are such queens. They're going out and just living their best life. Should we do a sugar daddy stories. These women are such queens. They're going out and just like living their best life. Should we do a sugar daddy special? No, because it makes me too upset.

I'm not hot enough to make money off old men. The only sugar daddy special will be me getting paid to be a sugar baby. Oh, well, I feel like my love to see it's not as exciting because I was just going to say your love to see that it's getting warmer. to see it's not as exciting because I was just going to say you love to see that it's getting warmer because here here in Australia it's the weather's getting nicer and in Melbourne especially it's like really gray and dreary normally and the sun's starting to come out like I'm wearing a dress today probably shouldn't have but I am um And I just thought that was my love to see it. Did anyone's face get peed on in your story?

No. No one made any money. For every one person that joins the Patreon, we will eat one nugget. What did you think I was going to say? I thought you were going to say about me peeing on someone. I was like, no, we're not doing that. No, thank you.

Patreon. That's not a real thing. That's not what we're doing. Join our Patreon or our Patreon and we'll chat to you next week. Thanks for listening. Love you. Bye.