Toni and Ryan - Toni's Travel Show

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

US DATES HERE WE COOOOOME!!!! Love ya xxxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to order Toni's book here!Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. Hello. We are calling Abby, who is in... I've got to get my names right for these. It's not God's... Downton Abbey. Yep. She's in Downton Abbey. Ooh! Which is surprisingly located in Adelaide. Adbelide.

Hello? Abby! Oh my God, Tony and Ryan. Hi, Abby, how are you? I'm well, how are you guys? We're well. Have you ever referred to Adelaide as Abbeylaid before? No, but I like that.

Great. I'm going to use that one. I would talk to the mayor about that and ask them to change all the sign-ups. That's what I would do. Oh, why not? Give you some credit for that, too. Yeah, and instead of Farmer's Union, it should be Abby's Union, obviously. Obviously.

And instead of a pie floater, it should be an Abby float. Oh, no. No, don't say that. Don't change that one. No, don't change the float. Oh, that doesn't sound too good. No. No, it does not.

Abby, do you approve most of what was just said and also this podcast? Fuck yeah, of course I approve. Great. Hi, this is Abby from Adelaide, South Australia, and I 100% fucking approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, big announcement. Big announcement. Big announcement.

And we don't like to throw around the term big announcement. No. We are actively not fans of people, you know, the old, like, announcing something tomorrow, what do you think it is? We're not doing that. We're not doing that. Yeah. Although this is an exciting announcement, but I don't know,

are you ready for an exciting announcement because Tony's come in this morning and gone oh I'm in a funny mood and I go what's wrong you're not in a fight with the post and she goes I'm in a fight with the post office and so

two different post offices two different career services and you just said you're feeling a bit vulnerable are we okay to yeah I feel like I need to push through the vulnerability right now and do my job like most people do.

You know, you wake up, you have a shit night's sleep, you've got to go to work. It is what it is. That's what I'm doing. I'm working. Up to the plate. What do you say? Do you know what I mean?

You've got to do it. This is sounding like a toxic work environment right now. I'm in a bad mood, but you've just got to get over it, Tony. You fucking little bitch. My profit margins don't care about your feelings. Podcasting doesn't take a day off, mate. Yeah. I wish it did.

Is that okay to say? Yeah, I mean, we are four days back from you having a week off sick leave. Oh, well, it wasn't a holiday. You were on holiday. I wasn't on holiday. No, I just say, like, you know when people come back from you having a week off sick leave. Oh, well, it wasn't a holiday. You were on holiday. I wasn't on holiday. No, I just say like, you know when people come back from a holiday going, oh, I'm back from a holiday. I just need a holiday to recover.

And you go, shut the fuck up, Cheryl. See, I love that because I always say that as well. And you come back and you go, oh, it's like we never left. And you go, yeah, except for all the food that you ate and drank and like money you spent. Aside from all of that being completely different. So announcement coming up. Yeah, announcement coming up.

But before that, maybe this is the perfect thing for us to go into while I'm in this vulnerable mood, actually. Welcome to Cinema X, things people do in cinemas that annoy everyone else. And it's basically this list is never ending. It really is. There basically isn't something that someone could do in a cinema that wouldn't make me fucking red with rage.

Okay, so I'm glad you brought this up straight off the bat because I've literally written here, Tony, is this triggering or is it somewhat comforting to know you're not alone in hating most of the human race? The thing is, is that most people can't all hate it because otherwise why are people still doing it? Like if 100 out of 100 people say, I hate it when people do that, then who's the percentage of fucking idiots that keep doing it?

Language warning on today. We've come in hot. Well, I'm on the record of saying about the cinema thing, do you remember when you fucked up my Christmas present last year and you were meant to book me a cinema to watch Harry Potter with my boyfriend and no one else? Yep. And instead you booked a whole cinema with like a-

In Brisbane. In Brisbane for 100 tapas to come watch Harry Potter. Yeah. And that was like lovely, but I did immediately flag my concern about being very fussy about the cinema because you said to me tony this is a great gift for you you hate going to the cinema because you hate it when people are noisy you can watch a movie by yourself that is how i like this is how it was pitched to me at christmas because oh sorry well i don't know if you got me because it was secret santa um but also i. Well, I don't know if you got me because it was Secret Santa.

It was Secret Santa. Also, I don't think the term pitched is like, oh, I had to pitch you a present for you to get something for free. But it was sold to me as like this really thoughtful idea because it was like, Tony, I know that's something you hate. Let me fix that problem for you. Yep. And did I fix it?

Well. Probably a lot worse. So we were in the cinema. There was a lot of people and I did give a little speech and I said, look, so glad you're all here. Enjoy my Christmas present. However, if anyone makes a fucking noise, I will hit the roof and be really mad. And then do you remember those people at the back?

They were talking and then I was like doing a joke and I was like, shut up. And then they left and it was a bit awkward. It was very awkward. So someone came up to me afterwards and said, oh, Ryan, you know how you kind of joke about like zero to 100 Tony, how she'll be like friendly and whatever and then like she'll be driving and then just fucking go off the rails. She goes, I thought that was like a bit of fun.

No, it's not fun. I'll tell you right now, it's not fun. And she goes, I've seen it. I've seen Tony in a blink of an eye go, thank you so much. If anyone fucking talks, I'll cut their fucking head off. The thing is, though, that I can go back as well, which I think is the impressive thing. 100 to 0 Tony.

I can do that as well. So I think get your girl that can do both is the thing. You know, I'm actually a very good person because I can do both ways. I swing both ways. Let's edit that out of context and put some memes and shit on it. We'll have a very good person because I can do both ways. I swing both ways. Let's edit that out of context and put some memes and shit on it. We'll have a really good time. Jamie. Oh.

Not your brother. Not my brother. Jamie's cinema ick. People who clap during the movie. Oh. Jamie says, you know it's not live theatre, right? The actors and director can't hear you. It's pre-recorded.

You're like, yeah, you tell him. But isn't it weird? Because this is not really, people don't do this in Australia as much as what I've heard they do in America. Didn't you live through one? Was it you that came? Yeah, at the premiere of Avatar, the biggest movie in fucking human existence.

And there was some chick behind me when Michelle Rodriguez was on screen going, yeah, girl, go, girl, yeah, you do it. Oh, you think you're going to get it? I don't think so. Get it, babe. I don't think so. It happens here, mate.

I guess it, like, I just, isn't it weird, though, that when you're watching sport at home, you would clap? Yeah, and I will yell at an umpire from a game that's an hour on delayed broadcast. Yeah, because you're watching on KO because you don't have a TV antenna. Yeah, my internet's really slow. So I'm like, umpire, and he's like, mate, that happened three hours ago. It's buffering, and they've already given out the premiership.

Like, it's already happened. It doesn't matter. Jamie says, I reckon these are the same people that clap when the plane lands. Oh, I've actually never seen that happen in real life. And I hope I never do. I hope that I die on the plane before everyone starts clapping. I landed in Hong Kong and it's like notoriously like wind.

It's like one of those really windy and it's like near the ocean. So it's like you got to come over the hill and then down. It's like flying into Queenstown or Wellington. I've heard, yeah. Like, yeah, in New Zealand. And it was genuinely, like, windy as fuck. And there wasn't an applause for the captain. And I was like, I would normally be against this, but.

I'd allow it in this situation. You've actually done a fucking cracking job there, mate. Well done. Oh. See, but then, oh, see, that's two things that I've already said. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. It is bad. I'm back on the train because I went and watched Oppenheimer the other week.

Yeah. I paid. $55 million to see it at IMAX. I think it was $80 per ticket. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, mate. It was IMAX though, right?

It was IMAX and it was, what is it called, Cam? 70 Millimeter. So it's original film. So it's like a big thing and the fucking screen is fucking bigger than my cock. Like it's massive. It's bigger than your courtyard. It's huge. Like Architectural Digest would come and look at this cinema.

They didn't look at my courtyard but they will look at this cinema. And so not only is it like quite an experience because it's like a newer film but it's really expensive. It's not just going to the cinema, which is also expensive, but it's like, you know, 30 bucks. This is $80 a ticket or something. So there's two of you. That's what, $160, throw in some popcorn, an Uber. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So everybody in the room, though, is in the same. Yeah, we've all spent a lot of money. Yeah. And so I'm like, okay, every single person in this theatre has spent all that money, made this decision to wait because it took ages to get tickets as well. So the movie came out fucking a month or six weeks before it

and we waited to watch it at this thing. I took torbs. It was like a cute little date night. It was lovely. Anyway, we're sitting in the cinema and I'm like, at least I know that no one's going to make a fucking sound because everyone's gonna be a freak like me everyone wants to hear and watch and concentrate there's not gonna be anyone like talking and giggling it's not gonna be anyone whatever and then this fuckhead sits down next to me by himself he's watching by himself

which is fine he puts down his like phone and keys on the floor and i go great no jiggling keys like literally he's doing everything that i could have wanted no touching the phone it's on the floor no phones on the floor it's all good exactly i'm like he's not gonna start fucking scrolling on tinder he's not gonna start jiggling those keys he doesn't have a fucking noisy jumper on or anything. Is he the one that gave you COVID? I actually think so. Because this sat next to me for how long is that fucking film? Three hours?

And I was thinking about it. Every three to five seconds, that guy coughed. For three hours? Yeah. And I was thinking about it. Every three to five seconds, that guy coughed. For three hours? Three hours. And Tony, as a mathematician, you will know that that equals? Heaps. Shitloads. A metric fuckton of coughing, basically. Anyway, and this guy.

And I've got a bottle of water and I'm looking at Torbs and I'm like, surely I can offer this guy a drink. Need a drink, mate? Like, am I, is that a shit thing to do to go, hey, babe, do you need a sip, hey? Okay, let's do what you just did three times. The first time you offer him a drink, it's going to be like a really lovely, genuine one. The middle one will just be like, it is what it is.

And the third one will be, I'm offering you a water, but I'm actually just calling you a ****. Okay. First one, here we go. The first one will just be like, it is what it is. And the third one will be, I'm offering you a water, but I'm actually just calling you a ****. Okay. First one. Here we go. The first one. Hey, mate, do you want some water? I haven't opened this.

Do you want a little bit of water? Because, sorry, it's so dry in here, eh? I love that. Would be the first one. And I love that final line of like, I'm with you. I'm with you, mate. I get it. It's so dry in here.

I can't believe I haven't opened this yet because, oh, my God. Yeah. The second one would be, did you want that water? Did you want that water? No. Okay. Yep. Cool. Okay.

Okay. I'd take the water. I would take it if I were you. And then I'd take the thing off and then just squirt a little over his fucking face. And I even said to Torbs, I'm like, I've got some strepsils in my bag. Like, is that really passag to be like, did you? You know how with strepsils, you like push them out. Yeah, that would be so.

And then the person on the side, you're like, this bitch has got fucking strepsils. Who's having a strepsil? And then they go, she's probably the one that's coughing. Yeah. But yeah, anyway, so this guy, literally three hours, every three to five seconds he coughed. I'm not even kidding. And so it wasn't even just like the sound.

It was also the, like the shoulders. So I feel him moving every, and I'm just like trying to like go into torbs as much as possible. Like trying to crawl over. Like, you know, when you're on the plane and you're like trying to stay away into torbs as much as possible. Like trying to crawl over. Like, you know, when you're on the plane and you're like trying to stay away from the person next to you. Anyway, he coughed the whole fucking way through and I could not fucking believe it.

So I still haven't seen Oppenheimer. Yeah. Is it? You should go. But similar to you, I'm like, I don't like, I want to see it right. And I'm with Mabel. I'm like, I got to do it properly and I'm with Mabel. I'm like, no, I've got to do it properly.

Totally. So I'm still figuring that out. But I'm guessing at some stage it gets, like, quiet and tense and there's a few, like, full-on moments. Yeah. And does the cough just really take you out of it? Yeah. It just reminds you, oh, I'm actually just sitting in a cinema in 2023.

Yeah. I'm not there with you in fucking 1940, whatever happened. Actually, though, yeah, and you kind of like, if you are like me and you can't get over stuff, it also just like I ruined the experience for myself because I got angry that this guy was like fucking carrying on like a pork chop. Do you know what I mean? Like it probably wasn't that bad, but it went on through the whole,

like I'm actually, I'm a big exaggerator. Are you? But this guy genuinely, like hand on my heart, he coughed the whole way through the movie. And I could feel Torbz like looking at me like to make sure that I didn't fucking pop off. Yeah, so Torbz couldn't care less about the coughing, but he was like, Tony fucking.

He was like, I really don't want Torbz. Yeah. Tony's going to go off the fucking handle. Yeah. And there was a few people before and after the movie that stopped me and said, hey. Yeah. And I was like, luckily I didn't lose it.

Imagine that. It would have looked so bad. Or a Daily Mail. Yeah. Girl with podcast flips out in cinema. Causes a bigger ruckus than the atomic bomb. Guy coughing dead. Kristen says,

why do people in movies think that opening a bag of chips slowly means it's going to be quieter? It's just as loud, but it takes five times as long, you fucking dickhead. Just rip that shit and shut the fuck up. Do it once. Rip the band-aid off. Do it once, do it right.

Or wait until, like, there's a really noisy scene. The bomb goes off. Yeah, that's when you should, you know, like, choose your moment. Yeah, literally, like, that's when you fart. That's when you sneeze. That's when you do everything you need to do. It's the same. Have you ever been sitting next to someone with like a big handbag

and they do the slow zip instead of just like zipping it open? Just take it out, love. It's all good. You do the slow handbag and it's like pulling teeth. It's just as loud but takes five times as long. It's 100% where if you did it in one split second, it'd be over. You probably wouldn't even notice. Yeah, fuck.

Rachel says, my cinema ick is when the emergency exit sign is sort of the same direction as the cinema. It's catching my eye the entire time. I don't know which screen to look at. Am I looking at this screen or am I looking at this screen? That's how I feel about subtitles. I can't pick where to look. I get confused. But then, you know, when you see the exit sign out of one eye

and you feel like you're doing it, you feel like one eye is looking dead ahead but the other one's like, oh, there's that exit. Like, just in case I need to get out of here real quick, in case I kill the guy next to me who's doing the slow zip, the slow chip and the cough. I just know exactly where I can get out of it. Maddie Mitchell, who's Tassie Tarpa.

Oh, Tassie Tarpa. Maddie says, this one time me and my partner went to the movies and this guy in front of us has a large box of popcorn and every two minutes he would, like like turn his head to the side, lift his arm right up and just like really just like drop it into his own mouth. Like he was the Roman Empire prince being, you know, fed grapes or something. And he was just sitting there by himself like and one bit at a time every couple of minutes. That is so painful. Yeah.

Oh, no, you've got to do the subtle shove. You dig and shove. Dig and shove to the front. That's what you've got to do. Maddie said he had this real main character energy, like it was everyone. Yeah, and she says, the stars are on the screen, mate. Not sitting in the cheap seats eating shit popcorn.

Little did she know it was actually Ewan McGregor. He was watching Trainspotting 2 in the cinema and doing this. Some of my best work. Doesn't get any better. Hi, it's Abby from Adelaide and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapions from the Patreon. A few of our champion tapas, that is. Tapa, Tony and Ryan Podcast-er. Joey Henry.

Love you, Joey. Thank you. Thanks, Big J. Charlotte Priest Kari Tova Hannah Whitman And Brianna Olive Do you know what?

I like an olive I don't think I ever really liked them But now I think it's because I'm a grown up I'm almost 30 You're almost 30 But I like a green olive Or like a Sicilian olive

You know the like Yeah the thicker Round ones Oh they're like the round ones. Oh, they're fucking nulling. You get them in like that lemon zesty. What do you think is a food that's not when you turn 18, but it's like you have to be 30 to appreciate? I would put maybe oysters in that category. Oh, yeah, because you're not really an oyster guy.

No, I love an oyster. Oh, sorry, because you're not really an oyster guy. No, I love an oyster. Oh, sorry, you're over 30. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I've been an oyster guy for all my life since 30. Yeah, since 30. Well, they say life begins at 30, don't they?

Not losers. They didn't have fun in their 20s. Yes, I'm really excited about oysters and olives. It's brand new to me. You know, I reckon another one is some people with mushrooms. You don't really appreciate a mushroom until you get a bit older. And now I'm like, yes, I'll have the mushroom pizza, the fungi. Thank you.

Or what about, what's that weird kind of expensive mushroom-esque thing that gets sprinkled on top of it? Oh, my God. Yeah, not a mushroom at all. But yes, I know what you mean. Then how did you know what I meant? Do you know what I think I want to get? Hang on. Yeah, that is fair. How did you know what I meant? Do you know what I think I want to get? Hang on.

How did you know what I meant? Yeah, that is fair. How did you know what I meant? It's because I speak Ryan. Like, I know what's in your brain before you do. Can everyone let me know in the episode thread if they knew exactly what I was talking about, even though apparently I was completely wrong. Actually, no.

You know what? I would take that back because I would say, like, earthy. They're both earthy. Yeah. So that's fair. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had like proper like truffle, even though I'm from WA, which is like the truffle town.

What's the town that's like Mangermup? Yelling Up as well. Yeah. And they have the pigs that go and dig them out. It's the Mangermup Yelling Up. It's like really good places to forage for mushrooms and truffles and stuff like that. It's like really rich ground. Yeah yeah fucking put me on fucking postcards that was can we send

this to channel nine and get them to fucking put me on skip postcard national geographic you know what actually we could do we could just film that and put it on youtube and people would be like oh my god tony's travel show like literally you don't need a tv station imagine that well you don't have to make that's your job. Yeah. Because you talk and we put it on the internet. Yeah. What you've just described is this thing we should do.

We already do. We actually do it every day. But I mean, we could do it for travelling. Oh! Well. Oh! We have an announcement. We have an announcement.

We have an announcement. Professional broadcaster. I don't know if anybody heard that. That was amazing. Can we talk about this after? Because I really need to discuss that. What we need to talk about is can you please get in a fight with the post office? I know that you do most days anyway.

But can you get in a fight with the post office every day? Because you're fucking up and about today. I'm on fire today, yeah. I've had a shit morning. Yeah. And the podcast's on and I'm changing my tune. I've saved all my good shit for now. We're heading to America. It's on. It's on. It's on. Should'm changing my tune. I've saved all my good shit for now. We're heading to America.

It's on. It's on. It's on. Should I just rattle through these dates? Yeah, fuck yeah. Dallas, Texas. Should I rattle through these dates? Oh, there's a lot of them.

There's a lot of them. There's a lot of them. Let me get through this quickly. We are touring America. Dallas, Texas. Atlanta, Georgia. Nashville, Tennessee. Louisville, Kentucky. Indianapolis, Indiana, Chicago, Illinois,

Toronto and Ontario, Canada, New York, New York. We will be in Vegas getting fucked up. Probably not a meet and greet there though. And we will be in Los Angeles, California meeting hot girls. I've never been to the USA. I am so fucking excited. You literally cannot wipe the smile off my face right now. I am so pumped.

Tony Lodge will finally be going to Hollywood. Hollywood. Yep. We will be going with a Texas tarpa to get a tarp tattoo. Say that 10 times fast. Texas tarpa with a tarp tattoo. Texas tarpa with a tarp tattoo. That was really good.

Texas tarpa with a tarp tattoo. Well, here's another one. We'll be going trick or treating. We'll be going trick or treating with a Texas tarpa. Okay. Trick or treating with a Texas tarpa and a tarpa tattoo. That was really good. Texas tarpa with a tarpa tattoo. Well, here's another one. We'll be going trick-or-treating. We'll be going trick-or-treating with a Texas tarpa. Okay. Trick-or-treating with a Texas tarpa and a tarpa tattoo. Oh, my God. That was amazing.

That was amazing. Oh, fuck the post office. Yeah, fuck the post office. Honestly. The trick-or-treating is happening in Chicago, though. It does look quite rough. Chicago. We're going to be attending a tarpa wedding as well.

All the dates we will put on socials and in the group, but it's between October 26 and November 12 are those dates there. We are still recording the podcast every day. And what I will say, though, is that Atlanta, Nashville, Louisville, and Indianapolis, I don't know if this has ever been done before. This might be a record. We are doing four meet and greets in four states in 24 hours. It's a big one.

So Saturday the 28th. We've got to push through some people. You know what I mean? Be quick. Saturday the 28th of October, we're in Atlanta. So then we do the meet and greet at night. Then we hit the road through the night to Tennessee. Tennessee in the morning, Kentucky in the afternoon,

Indiana that night, Chicago the next day. That's wild. We're going to eat so much shit food. I can't fucking wait. Like literally, I just am so excited about the food. I can't wait to meet a million tarpers. I can't wait to be a real tourist

because I love sightseeing. Ryan literally the other day was like, oh yeah, don't really like take or leave sightseeing. And I was like, you're a fool. Well, I was organising when we were going to meet the Tarpers and when we were going to, like, record the podcast. And Tony's like, so when do we, like, see the things?

Yeah, so, like, when will I be able to go to the Empire State Building and, like, meet, you know, my special someone? Ryan was like, Torbs will be at home. Yep. So you can't go meeting other boys at the Empire State Building. Yep, yep. Torbs is meeting you in, I believe, just a little off-air chat. On the way home, Tony's making a seven-day layover in Hawaii.

I am, yep. So Torbs is going to actually, well, off-air chat once again. He was supposed to be meeting us in LA. You accidentally bought a fucking house. We accidentally bought a house. And the holiday had already been paid for. And we were like, fuck, what are we going to do? So we can move in while we're in the US.

Hang on. Sorry. Sorry. Let me stop you right there. Tony just said we can move in. Cop this to see who's wearing the pants in the fucking lodge household. Tony's going overseas. And Torbs is going to do all the moving.

So when Tony gets home from her Hawaii trip on the way back, he's just going to go, oh oh someone's moved the house for me I wouldn't have put the socks in that drawer but who am I to say literally I'm not going to be able to criticize anything I'm going to be like oh Fork's in the bathroom you know what I like that I would have put the mugs near the kettle yeah but that's okay um so Torbs is no longer meeting us in LA. He's going to meet me in Hawaii. We're going to have a little holiday off the back and then, yeah, he really is doing God's work.

He's going to do all the moving for us. I can confirm at the meet and greet in Los Angeles, there will be one Mabel Betty Dunn. Yes. My daughter will be there. Very exciting. I can't believe that Mabes is going to have been like this super duper international traveler and she's going to like not even be one. Well, she got to New Zealand the other week and you didn't.

Yeah. She's done more travel this year than you. Yeah. Or that's probably not true, actually. Well, she made the great trip from, oh, I'm not going to finish that sentence. From the canal. Birth canal. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, we got it, mate. Yeah. Anyway, we got it, mate. Yeah. Anyway, we are so fucking excited. Do we have time while we're in LA to go to Disneyland? We've got some. So LA is our last stop and then we've got to record some podcasts when we're there. But we will have.

Work. We will physically be there for like a week. And you've got a couple of days off. Yeah. Because my friend, Jax, who I used to work with, he's like massive into Disney and he lives in LA now. Oh, he does too. So I might hit him up and be like,

do you want to take me to the secret like Disneyland spots? Because we've had a few tarpa confessions from Disneyland. Yeah, but that's the Florida one. Oh, is it? Thank God, because heaven forbid you wind up in a gay orgy in a staff bathroom. Yeah, in the secret tunnels. Yeah, don't say secret tunnels.

Don't say secret tunnels. So I'm really fucking excited. I can't believe how many people we're going to get to meet. Yeah, it's going to be sick. It's going to be sick. And the reason we're coming and the reason we're able to literally do this show every day as our job is because people from all around the world have been supporting us, and in particular in North america like i it's great i don't know why if it's the fucking tiktok algorithm or whatever

it is but without the people in north america we wouldn't be able to do this so the least we can do is fly over and say thank you very fucking much give me a hug tony may bust out a high five think about all the everything they've done for you i don't know if that's worth it um i don't want to bring you down because i know you're in a good mood but i've got something to talk about oh no are we not going what did you well you're like i'm going but you're staying on you have to move out you might actually change your mind after i ask this very simple question what what did you ask me before we came into the studio oh don't i asked about our visas because it's actually not that far until we go when do we you've actually skipped a step okay so i asked about what visas we need yeah yeah and see what happens when you

go for work right yeah is your uS. company sponsors you for a visa. But of course, we're self-employed by Tony and Ryan HQ. We do have a business. We do have a business. But we don't have an American business. So usually, say if we worked for Spotify or Microsoft or like a big multi, whatever, the U.S. office kind of signs off and goes, yeah, we'll sponsor your visa. So what we're going to have to do is just tick we're on holidays.

Now. Can I? I mean, we shouldn't be talking about this on the podcast. No, we should. And this is why. I've thought this through. Just bear with me for a second. Okay.

You know, I trust you with my life. I do. I just want you to remember how heavy that burden should weigh on you. What I've got planned for you is beyond your wildest dreams. That's weird. There is no better fuckhead on border security than the person clearly going to a country for work pretending they're on holidays. So if...

I'm going to be on border security. There you go. You're welcome. You're welcome. Worth it. Worth it. 100% worth it. My favourite person on border security is this is the guy.

He's always from fucking Eastern Europe. Yep. And he's always a farmer. Yeah. And they go, oh, so what are you doing in Oklahoma? And he goes, not farming. Yeah. And the person goes, oh, okay.

Because you've got work boots. And in your emails it says, get a stand. Looking forward to you starting work. Work on tomorrow. Yeah. On the farm. Hope you've got your boots. My favorite ones are the ones where they go, you don't have a return ticket,

you don't have any money in your bank account, which is me. Yeah, you're right. Return ticket, proof that you're working, shoes to work in. No money. No money. And they go, nah, just my...

And a receipt for paying rent at a house that you like. Yeah, a little ticket. And then they're like, nah, it's my cousin's fourth birthday, so we're over for six months just to celebrate. Just to celebrate that one, yeah. No, I don't have a partner here who's going to be supporting me. Very single. No family, just hanging out.

No kids here, nothing. Just hanging out. Not working, though. Yeah, definitely not working. Not working. So because we don't have – this is the thing. So should we pretend to be married? Like should we walk up to the thing like, oh, I wish we were working,

but I've got to go on holiday with this one, you know. Do you know, like something fun, like we could come up with a fun story or something. And I put like a pillow up my jumper and I go, yeah, we're expecting a baby. You know what I mean? Like a really big facade, like a big story. I hear what you're saying, but here's the thing.

If you're on a work visa or you're on a travel visa, and we'll just be like, you know, travellers, being pregnant or married has no impact on that. No, I'm saying this is just fun. This is for us. Are you like, oh, are you sure you're not working? Yep, I'm pregnant. Are you sure you're not working?

This is my husband. I'm sleeping with this guy. I mean, not alive. What? Oh, sorry. That was just a joke, but it came across as like I was being like that. Don't out us like that. Yeah, sorry.

Another part of the joke. Yeah, that was just for us. I just think it's fun to come up with. But you know how the one rule in the airport is never call someone back? Oh, don't fucking, yeah. Literally the one rule is if you're with a group one rule in the airport is never call someone back? Oh, don't fucking, yeah. Like literally the one rule is if like you're with a group of people in the airport or you're there with one other person and you're going through immigration, the one cardinal rule is that if the other person's gone through, you never call them back, ever.

You let them go. Ever. They've gotten through. Like let them go. Like if they want to kind of idly stand around. When we went to Jakarta, it was quite serious COVID times still. And G20 was on. G20 was on.

So the international security was high as fuck. And literally, it would have looked dodgy as fuck because we flew to Jakarta on Monday and we flew home on Tuesday night. We were there for half a day. It took us longer to travel there than we were there for. And perfect drug mule chat yeah like go in there get the cash drive it to your body put this condom in your arsehole and fucking get back on the plane um and because spotify put us up they put us up in like a really nice hotel so it looked as if we were going there spending two nights in a five-star hotel and then coming home and we were like it's also known as

season two of underbelly for those of you who've seen the magazine. Literally. So Ryan and I get off the plane. We look like fucking homeless people because that's what we look like. And then I get through immigration fine because obviously I'd printed off all of the fucking forms that I needed. Ryan's standing behind me. He goes, oh, he's got all these problems. He goes, I'm travelling with her. Tony, you come back.

And I go, no, mate. You're not allowed to do that. Anyway, and then so I go back there and he goes, oh, well, your form looks wrong as well. And then we're both stuck in fucking immigration instead of this guy just letting me fucking go through. I was like, if she's got the same paperwork I've got, if she's good, then I should be good to go.

I was like, Tony, what did you tell your guy? I showed him my boobs. I flushed him and went, let me in. So we won't be doing any of that. We'll have to really get our stories straight before we go through. But let it be known, we're doing meet and greets. Yeah, we're not making any money. We're not selling tickets.

We're not doing anything. We're not doing fucking shows. We're not working. We're just a couple of bros, maybe or maybe not pregnant, maybe or maybe not doing it, just fucking having a holiday. We're going to be there for a month. So I think we're doing the- No return ticket.

The part of us together is like three weeks. Three weeks, yep. And then, yeah, a week off the back, you're going to be hanging around seeing your birth family. Yep, Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know what Cam's doing, some gay sexcapade. Maybe he's going to the Florida fucking Disneyland.

Excuse me. Cam is going on the Grindr tour of the United States. And everyone. United Gays of America. What should they put in the episode thread today that just sort of said, like, just like that eyeballs emoji. Is it just that like, hit me up? You know what I mean?

But like, what's the subtle verse? Like, is there a meme or a gif that just sort of says like, here if you need. Oh. Because Cam will not be paying for a hotel in that final week. Yeah. Well, we've told him we won't pay for it. We won't pay for it and Cam also won't be paying for it.

So Cam's really got to figure that out. He's batching it across the USA. No, we are very, very excited. We'll travel for a day. Yeah. We'll travel for a day. We'll suck dick for a place to sleep. Yeah, if you don't mind dropping me off at the train station. Run off into the park.

We're at the meet and greet. We're like, where's Cam? Where's Cam going? Did you see his bum behind a tree? He's just sorting out his accommodation. Because I went, well, I'm not staying with Cam. And Brian went, well, I'm not staying with Cam. Well, we can't cover it because it's not a work trip.

It's definitely not a work trip. Yeah, definitely not staying with Cam. And Brian went, well, I'm not staying with Cam. Well, we can't cover it because it's not a work trip. It's definitely not a work trip. Yeah, definitely not a work trip. And so when we get to meet you and say hi, please don't imply we're there for work. No. So I would love for you to come up and say, oh, my God. What are the odds? What a coincidence.

There's going to be so much coincidence, Chad. But to repeat, Dallas, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia, Nashville, Tennessee, Louisville, Kentucky, Indianapolis, Indiana, Chicago, Illinois, Toronto in Canada, New York, New York, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, California. Yeah. It's going to be fucking huge. I can't wait to meet everybody. Massive. Massive.

Massive. Fucking massive. All of the dates. We're going to do like a Facebook event for everything so that people can see where it's going to be and keep up with any updates if we're, you know, running late or don't get through the border. Let's do that now. So by the time people hear this, they'll be ready.

Yeah. So there's all the information is going to be in our Facebook. You can't miss it. But don't message us asking like, oh, what was that date again? It's all literally, you can't miss it. Very exciting. You got any of it to say? I do.

Go on. And this is one that's going to tickle everybody and really polish off this perfect Monday that we've already had. Please. Caitlin Sims posted this. Thank you. In our Facebook group. My you'll love to see it is the potato. So many ways to eat it.

So many toppings you can have. So versatile. So delicious. Big fan. X. Simple is best. You know what? I'm changing my love to see it because I'm on the simple train.

Yep. And this is real similar. You know what my love to see it is? What? Grapefruits. Oh. Oh. What?

Oh, that's really fucked the episode. That's fucked the episode. So. What? What? Oh, that's really fucked the episode. That's fucked the episode. So. What? What is that? No, not that. Not grape. Not.

Not grapefruiting. Not grapefruiting. Episode's back on. We're back. We're back. Do you know some people eat those? Luckily I was here. Luckily I was here. Luckily I was here.

My God, we'd have really fucking gone down. Phrasing. Sorry. So down the road, this lady must have like a bunch of grapefruit trees because they have a box out the front that's like, oh, we've got heaps of grapefruit. It's like free to, you know, all good. Just like a little box out the front.

Go and take it if you want it. Well, because she's probably like, otherwise I just, it goes rotten in my backyard. Well, there's only so many, except for that lady, there's only so many grapefruits you can take care of. Sometimes the grapefruits are taking care of us. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I hear what you're saying. So a grapefruit.

So you grabbed three, had one for breakfast, but they're all gone. So then I made Bridget and I a paloma. Oh, nice. Yeah, you've changed your fucking shoe. Yeah, I like a paloma me. Yeah, and so a paloma and then a slice of grapefruit just on the side there. You know what you should do? Get a heap of the grapefruits, dry them really slowly in the oven,

and then you've got like dry grapefruits as like cocktail garnishes all year round. Yep. Oh, see, you fucking poo-pooed my... Could you grab me some and I'll do it? There's a whole box. Yeah, absolutely. Just get the box. You can't steal the box.

Oh, come on. I mean, I'll take my own box and just like... Just fucking load it back in. Just swap them. Oh my God. So potato, grapefruit. I mean, this morning you could have a grapefruit and a hash brown for breakfast. That sounds pretty elite, actually.

That's a pretty effective combination. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. All right, tomorrow on the show. I don't think we can top today's episode. I think we take tomorrow off. Well, no, because we're here every day. But tomorrow is Confessions. Cam, do you know the one that's called

You Can't Spell Legendary Without Leg? See you tomorrow. You Can't Spell Legendary Without Leg. Okay. All right. See you tomorrow. Love you, bye.