Toni and Ryan - TwinFessions

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

TWIN CHAT and a promise to end all promises. Love you!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. And we are calling, oh, they're in the medical field. Smart people. This is Caitlin, who's in Iowa. I was literally about to sing the ER theme and I don't know what it is. How were you about to sing it? I don't know. I was like, and then I was like, well, I don't know it. Got George Clooney on the brain. Who?

George Clooney, that was me. Yes, it's Caitlin. Caitlin, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Good. How are you guys? We're good, Caitlin. Caitlin, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Good. How are you guys? We're good, Caitlin. You don't know the ER theme song, do you? Don't make Caitlin do it.

The only theme song that just popped into my head was the Law and Order theme song. Is it? No. It's the one that's like... No, no, no. ER is... No, that's X-Files. Yeah, bad luck.

Because, Caitlin, we see that you work in the medical field and Tony went, oh, AR song. And I can't remember the song. Great story, though. Yeah. Caitlin, will you approve this podcast episode? Absolutely, I'll approve the podcast. Thank you.

I cannot confirm that the episode will be any better than that. Stay tuned to find out. This is Caitlin from Iowa, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Woo! We don't like to make empty promises here at Tony and Ryan HQ. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we do. Tony has made a bold claim in her past,

and it's come back to bite her on the booty. Ooh, say booty loud again. Booty. Ooh. You can fill my bin with your rubbish. You know what I'm saying? You can fill up my bin anytime. What was the thing you kept saying in the live stream? You've put a ghost in me attic.

I don't know why I couldn't stop laughing that for hours. I've said it since then a lot of times and get to laugh every time you can put a ghost in my attic or when someone's pissed you over you go oh that's really put a ghost in my attic like that's really yanked my chain yeah okay um but first these are top conf. Oh, my voice is not up to doing the high note. Top confessions. Go to tonyandryan.com.au, submit your confessions. They're anonymous confessions. Like so completely anonymous that we cannot follow up on anything.

Yeah, which is actually annoying at times. It's been annoying when people have gone, oh, message me if you want the photo. And we go, yeah, I don't know if you know what anonymous means. Yeah, but we said it on the podcast if you're talking about the dildo on the pizza. Anyway, today is the twins edition. Twins. What? Twins.

You know, on Austin Powers and he's like, twins. No. Okay, cool. Anyway. How good was Austin Powers? Still good. All three of them. They hold up. Do they was Austin Powers? Still good. All three of them. They hold up.

Do they? I'm nervous to ask. Every time I'm reversing out of somewhere real tight, I always think about doing the 80-point turn. This confession comes from Birthday Candler. What? No thanks. When you hear the line.

I'm tapping out for the day. I'm not doing that. It gets very bad. When I was 22, I was dating a guy who had an identical twin. And I think we already know where this is going. And I call bullshit. Yeah, there's been some off it. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I haven't heard this. This is virgin ears for me. I've never heard this. Like any rom-com, after the first scene you go, I know exactly what happens in this movie. And you've heard stories about, oh, I was dating a twin and accidentally fucked her sister, you know, whatever, and you just go, really?

Well, let's have a listen to Birthday Candler and see if you're calling bullshit on her story. Okay. When I was 22, I was dating a guy who had an identical twin. We went away one Christmas and the first night we had a large drinking session with my friends. My boyfriend called it a night. A bit later, his brother called it a night and I kept drinking and I was hammered and I was frisky and I stumbled down the hallway with nothing but the pork sword on my mind.

I crept into who I thought was my boyfriend's room. Yeah. Put my hand over his mouth and started blowing his birthday candle. Before jumping on top and having the best drunken disorderly sex of my life. the best drunk and disorderly sex of my life. Once we had finished, he turned the light on and looked at me. It was the brother. He thought it was someone else.

I thought it was my boyfriend. I scurried away. I just don't think that there's any way that you would not realise. Or not double check? Like, I mean, aside from the obvious questions of like, was this all good? Yeah, that's what I mean. You know, yeah. Like.

I think he thought it was like this other girl that they were hanging out with earlier. But if you get close to anyone you like know their smell and i just refuse to believe that you wouldn't immediately be like oh i know that that's what their smell is or like if you were dating someone you'd like as graphic as this is right like say you've just shaved your pubes yeah you know that your boyfriend has like just shaved your pubes. Yeah. You know that your boyfriend has, like, just shaved their pubes or whatever. So, like, that would also be another thing. You'd be like, oh, that's not what is going on down there.

And they're the same. That's, like, what? So, what, they go, are you shaving your pubes today? Yeah, same. Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But I guess, like, if it was just, like, a random other person, like, their body would be a slightly different shape, you know. Like if it was just like a random other person,

like their body would be a slightly different shape, you know. But like twins don't, like obviously the natural parts, like they look the same in the face if they're identical twins or whatever, but their bodies would feel different. Their skin would feel like, I just think you know intimately what someone's body feels like. And I just don't know. And also, when was the last time someone in the dark jumped on your cock and you didn't think like, oh, who's that?

Do you know what I mean? Like imagine someone. It's been weeks. During the live stream. Remember that time during the live stream that I licked your arsehole? Yeah. No, do you actually remember that? No, I don't.

Yeah, because it was Cam. But I thought it was you. No. your asshole? Yeah. No, do you actually remember that? No, I don't. Yeah, because it was Cam. But I thought it was you. I dated him for another two years before the guilt got to me and I broke up.

So she never said. Only myself, the brother, and now Tony and Ryan podcast listeners know the truth. Not only were they twins, not only were they brothers. You would hope that they were Yeah, they were twins They were now

Tunnel brothers Tunnel twins Twinnel brothers But like, that wouldn't As if you wouldn't just say something straight away When you're younger though, you're jumping in beds when you're younger Yeah Say there's ten of you down at the beach house

But I've jumped in a bed and not fucked the wrong person, as far as I know. But, like, I just also think, why would you break up? Like, why would you feel guilty if it was, like, a genuine, like, you wouldn't, the next morning you'd be like, I was so wasted last night, I fucked your brother by accident. Like, I just think that, like, if this really happened, okay, let's give this person the benefit of the doubt.

If this really happened, you would the next morning be like, oh, my God, like, I'm so embarrassed. I reckon if you're at, like, a party or on a dance floor or that happens and you, like, lent in for the kiss and then like just touch lips and went oh my god god they'd be like i'm so sorry but you don't like yeah so like we fucked five times then the morning three more times then we went on holidays for two weeks wrong brother like i think she'd gone too far yeah to say it's a mistake. Yeah, but like, but if genuinely it was a mistake and she, like, then you go, well, I'll be honest

and hope that you believe me. And he obviously wouldn't because she's a liar. Yeah, because this didn't happen. But like, I just don't, I think that there is no way that those stories are real. All right, let's, on the twins edition of Confessions, move on. The title of this one, oh, sorry, I mean the person who sent this in is Lying Mother.

My mother sent in a confession. Yeah. Yeah. Once I told my daughter that she couldn't be in the- I died in 2013. My daughter couldn't be in the National Children's Choir because of Perth. Because of Perth?

Where's the craziest place we could do a live stream? Should we go to Perth? Is it Perth? Lying Mother sends her confession. There are only four tins left of my daughter's baby formula and they're on sale, so I took them all. Yep. So like at the shopping centre?

Yep. I forgot they have a limit of two tins per purchase. Oh, yeah. And when I scanned all four, and then the lady comes over. Yeah, because they're really serious about that, aren't they? Because apparently it's like a shortage. Yep. The lady says two cans per purchase.

Yep. And my initial reaction without thinking was, I have twins. and my initial reaction without thinking was, I have twins. A blatant fucking lie. I have twins and they fucked each other because they didn't realise. The sweet lady went, oh, really? And then she put my additional two tins through another machine

so it wouldn't be muffled and then added the discount code and the thing and was really lovely about it and then got the docket back and paid through. It was so lovely. The worst part is this is my regular store. So you walk in there with only one baby. I now carry a picture of some random twins I found on Google in my purse in case she ever asked me about them.

Okay. Well, that's crazy. Have a look at her. Here's both of them. Yeah. It's just Photoshopped. She did a butterfly painting, folded it over, and it's the same baby. They're identical, but like not symmetrical.

Like what's the mirror image of the thing? I, oh, fuck. I mean, I'm the kind of person that would be anxious that someone would go, how are you twins? And I go, oh, you mean Lorelei and Penelope? Yeah, they're great. Yep. They were both born six minutes apart on the 18th of December 2025.

Like, I just would have every detail. Oh, you mean Laurel and Yarny? Yeah. And they're doing great. Which one was it again? Oh, who's to say? Yeah, I mean, they sound basically the same. Yeah, they've Laurel and Yarny? Yeah. Which one was it again? Oh, who's to say? Yeah, I mean, they sound basically the same. They've got this blue and white dress.

I do feel bad because obviously those limits are in place for a reason. But they're on site. Baby formula is expensive. How much is it? Sorry if I've thrown you under the bus Last week you knew what 5 million divided by 3.8 was And now you don't know how much baby formula is It can be like 30 bucks a tin

And how long would that last? Depends how often you're using it But if you've got twins, no Maybe a week or two Because that's fucking expensive Because sometimes for some people it's every meal. Sometimes they use formula like in between breast milk and stuff. So that's always a different thing.

But they usually expire after two weeks. You kind of have to use it. Oh, so if it's been opened. Once you crack the tin, yeah. And like, yeah, it can get really expensive. So when they go, it's like half price, you go, fuck yeah. Oh, I would just, yeah, that might be. Twins.

Yeah. Twins. Yeah. Twins. Yeah, look, thanks for trusting us with that, but we don't condone doing that. I do. But good call on the photo in the purse just in case. Just in case. Because when was the last time you said to someone, do you have a photo of them? And they opened their wallet instead of being like, yeah, it's the wallpaper on my phone.

Yeah. Well, I tell you what would be sus as fuck, though, to be fair. Someone goes, oh, you got kids. Can I see a photo? And you Well, I tell you what would be sus as fuck, though, to be fair. Someone goes, oh, you got kids. Can I see a photo? And you go, I don't have any. Well, put her in jail. Yeah. You're a fucking liar.

You obviously. You've lied. Put her in jail. Hey, this is Caitlin from Iowa, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Jamie Britton. Oh, well, I'm actually from France. Like Britain. Yeah, but she wouldn't say that in a British accent if she actually from France. Like Britain.

Yeah, but she wouldn't say that in a British accent if she was from France, would she? Rochelle, thank you so much. Wesley Pullen, oh, just pulling on your leg. Nicola Horton, oh, Horton, he's a who. Holly Barstool, oh, more like Barstool, have a fucking tinny. And Brittany as well. Oh, great.

Thanks, Brittany. You love to say that. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Do you think as a podcast we've fully embraced the we don't do empty offers here vibe? You know how I've talked about how a group of my friends really lent into that hard? Yes. Do you feel that we've lent into that?

Yeah. Like if someone says, someone says i'll do this it's like okay then we don't just want to say stuff willy-nilly no we don't just say stuff no no we don't otherwise we're just like people saying a bunch of stuff yeah yeah and what are we middle class white podcasters we don't just say a bunch of stuff so on our patreon bottom tier four bucks means you can vote on the polls, you can approve the podcast. $11, you get exclusive content.

$35, champion tarpers. You get all these live streams and other stuff. And we said, and for $1,000 a month, you can be the chief tarp officer and Tony will use that money to become a marriage celebrant. And we said it two years ago. So it had kind of like fallen out of my brain a bit i think you know i hadn't thought about it in a long time yeah because i thought what a great gag like how funny because patreon go oh we recommend four tears and we could only think of three and we

went oh no one will do that yeah no one will do that well first of all page did and they were going to the u.s later in the year she's getting married in penn did, and then we're going to the US later in the year. She's getting married in Pennsylvania. And then over the weekend in Brisbane, Chantel has proposed to Maddie. And I noticed a notification in Patreon that we have a new chief tarp officer. Let's just have a listen. So, um, I don't know how to say it Tony will be officiating our wedding are you fucking for real

yeah and they want to call you I'm gonna cry me too she's crying also imagine being like I'm going to cry. Me too. She's crying. She's also. Imagine being like, I'm going to cry when there's already streams of tears.

The thing about Paige's wedding in Pennsylvania is because I can't become a celebrant overseas. It was kind of like, yeah, we'll come over. We'll like be part of your wedding. There's some technicalities and stuff, yeah. But, you know, like I didn't really actually have to do anything. Yeah. But this is a bit different because it's on home turf. It's on home turf.

And I actually could, will, have to become a celebrity. You seem like you don't want to. No, I do. I'm so flattered. As someone. First, let me just say, like, I am genuinely flattered that not only someone would want me at their wedding, but to be part of it. To be fair, the hesitation isn't because Tony's a jerk.

The hesitation is because we have since learned it takes about 12 months of hard study to become a salesman. It's quite difficult to do. And I would just like to take this opportunity to tip my hat to all celebrants across the country because it's not an easy job. It's really involved. I found out my friends asked me to marry them. Then the three of us looked it up and they then leaned to me and said,

look, if this is something you want to do and are going to get your marriage celebrant license anyway, we'd love you to do it. But then they actually said, if you're not going to do any other weddings, we're actually not going to get your marriage celebrant license anyway, we'd love you to do it. But then it actually said, if you're not going to do any other weddings, we're actually not going to let you do this. Yeah. Because it is so involved.

It's a lot. It's like you need a fucking law degree. Like you're learning all the logistics of the registration, the certificate and the legal stuff. I thought it would be like a two hour afternoon. I'm actually, I'm not great with admin, as you know. And so my biggest fear that I've had realised in the last 10 minutes. This feels admin heavy.

No, is actually that I'm stressed that if I fuck something up, someone might not actually be married. Yeah, because it's up to you to then take the paperwork and file it. And like lodge it all. And like Tony Lodge it all. And sign everything. Can I be the name of your business? Yep.

And you know what I mean. Tony will lodge your papers. Asterisk maybe. Maybe. Maybe we can talk them out of this. Can you call them? Yeah. Okay.

So we're calling Maddie who was proposed to and she was the one who was being surprised by the fact that you're doing it. Okay. And they are in Queensland. God's country. Yeah. Beautiful. Hello?

Maddie, it's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? Oh my fucking God, I can't believe it's you guys. I'm so good. How are you guys? Good, congratulations. Oh my God, thank you so much. Sorry, I'm a little sick at the moment. My voice is a bit funny, but thank you so much. That's okay. Oh my god, thank you so much, sorry I'm a little sick at the moment, so my voice is a bit funny But thank you so much That's okay, oh my god

Tell us what happened, like how did she ask What, like, what, was it Were you expecting it, was it super romantic Um Yeah, look, it was a bit of everything I actually proposed to her about a month Beforehand Oh, story thunder

Yeah, so I kind of knew it would come eventually. I knew there was a ring and it would happen and then she planned like a surprise party the next day with like all our friends.

Oh my God. Lucky you said yes. Yeah. Yeah, she really went all out. Now, the issue that Tony finds herself in is... We all find... We're a team here. We're a team. Now, the issue that Tony finds herself in is...

We all find... We're a team here. We're a team. Yeah. Is that... And let me just say this straight up that we're going to do it. Oh, yay! But the thing is, we didn't expect anyone to do it.

No. And Tony has just done some Googling and is in for a big lot of study coming up, which is fair enough because that's what you've paid for. Of course. So just to confirm again, you do want Tony to do it? Yeah, no, absolutely. You've got plenty of time. We haven't picked a date.

We've barely planned our engagement party. It's not going to be for a few years at this stage. That's good. We can work with that. We can work with that. It's not like six months away or anything like that. At least I would say like got two years. Okay.

I think Tony. That's good areas. I think quietly Tony was hoping you were going to say, oh, we're getting married in two months. Oh, it's too soon. And then I go, oh, there's no way I could do it. No excuse there, mate. Thanks for the rant, Maddie.

Really appreciate that for the warm-up time. I know, obviously, a lot of planning, a lot of thoughts, a lot of ideas, but do you have an idea of where this wedding might be? You're not thinking about Richmond, are you? Look, that would be pretty convenient, and I love Melbourne, and so does my partner, so it generally wouldn't surprise me if we do end up in Melbourne. Right now, I'm wanting Queensland.

She's wanting Tassie. So we're trying to find like a kind of a middle ground. Okay. Should I buy a coat or a bikini? Because I need to know. Maybe just both just to be on the safe side. Okay. Trench coat with bikini underneath.

Perfect. I've never been to Tassie. So if that sways your decision at all, I mean, that would be quite nice for a holiday for us. Yeah, we'll stay in a cute little tiny house in the hills. But Queensland, we'd love a hot holiday. Yeah, no, both beautiful ideas. That'd be nice, yeah. Tony's got a lot of work to do.

I do. I've got a tuxedo to order. To water? Order. Oh, I thought you said water, like water a plant. Yeah, well, I need to grow it from the size I used to be into the dad boy that I am now. But, Maddie, we very much look forward to – well, Tony's nervous,

but I very much look forward to sitting in the back row. I don't want to get in the way of any friends and family and just watching what I'm sure will be a beautiful day. And thank you for including us in a very beautiful moment. I'm honoured. I really am very flattered. I must say, Maddie, it's very exciting. So see you guys at the wedding, I guess.

Fingers crossed you guys are still around in a couple of years. She's cancelling our pod. She's signing Tony up for work. She's giving me like the soft exit. You know when you give someone like a soft out for something? No, no. There's no, you're doing this. No, we're in.

We're 100% in. And yeah, we couldn't be more excited. Well, Maddie, thanks so much for your time. Congratulations again. And we will obviously be chatting soon. Yeah. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you guys soon.

Love you, Maddie. Bye. Goodbye. All right, Tony, what do you love to see? I have a humble yet bold recommendation for my love to see it today. A recommendation? Fuck. A ham and cheese toasted sandwich.

Hadn't had one in years, right? And then the other day we had a heap of ham in the fridge. We had a little bit of white bread and I thought, you know what? I'm going to do something real naughty here. And I enjoyed a ham and cheese toasted sandwich for lunch. On the pan? Or did you need a press? I have a panini press thing.

Panini press? Is that what it's called? Yeah, but it just has a lot of like fuck-a-cheer energy. It does have fuck-a-cheer energy, yeah. But yeah, like one of the flat presses. What have I been doing? What have you been doing? I don't know.

Did you butter the outside? Yeah, you've got to. And the inside? No, I don't do both. Just do butter on the outside. And then I did cheese, ham, cheese. Yeah, so the cheese acts as the lubricant of the butter. But you've got to do a double cheese so you get the real good pull.

Like you cut it and then you pull it and it goes like. lubricant of the butter. But you've got to do a double chase so you get the real good pull. Like when you cut it and then you pull it and it goes like... When I do think of you, I always have a good pull. Oh, I need the toilet. Sorry. Can we hurry up? Because I really need to go to the toilet. Have you just done a gym workout? What are you talking about? Ariel.

My love to see it is I've just started my first online business I am 18 years old and I'm going to use the money to help fund my university costs oh Ariel and today

it's going to be a whole new world for her is that the same movie well Ariel no it's Aladdin yeah that's what I mean oh fuck oh

Jasmine your own business. I don't know much about that. Abu, the monkey. A real stuff up by you there. What? Areal? Oh, no. I won't pay that.

No? No. No. I was proud of that. What's her name? You're being a real under the sea word at the moment. Ariel? Areal?

No. What's your favourite font? Helvetica? Nah, Ariel. Fuck you. That's significantly better than mine. It is good, isn? No? No. What's your favourite font? Helvetica? Nah, Ariel. Fuck you. That's significantly better than mine. It is good, isn't it? Yeah.

Ariel. Five. Sorry, her first day, five orders. Oh! Yeah. Don't know what it is. I asked. She hasn't replied to me.

Great. But the support has been unreal. You'll love to see it. Thanks for the advice to start the fucking blog. Oh, and that would be hard because she's got like eight sisters as well. So. How'd you get parents support? Okay.

It just occurs to me. I don't know enough about the story of Little Mermaid to like, cause like, oh, she's got, I was like, is that the, she's one of the seven dwarves? Sleepy, dopey and breathe underwater-y. Yeah. That's funny. Anyway, you'll love to see that Ariel.

Could you do an online business from under the water? Well, the internet is that big cable under the ocean. I thought that was a piss take when someone told me that. No, that's real. That's real. So there's a cable that goes from Perth to Singapore. Yeah. And it's like, not like, it's not like an iPhone charger.

It's pretty hefty. But yeah. Do you know what I thought? Have I ever talked about this on the pod? That I thought that the Eurostar train that goes from London to Paris, because it goes under the water, I thought you could see the fish. I thought it was like when you go on the conveyor belt. Like the tracks are on the bottom of the sand.

Yeah, but I thought it was like the conveyor belt when you go through an aquarium. Like, and they hit you. You're thinking of the magic school bus. And then I was so disappointed when I went on that train with mum and it's just concrete. Like, you can't see anything. Mum was like, well, what did you think you'd be able to see? Well, now you ask that, Mum.

You don't actually want to know the answer to my thought. Yeah, I just thought that it would be like a magical wonderland. Like the aquarium tunnel. Yeah, I thought it would be like a bright blue magical wonderland, all this stuff going on. But, yeah, it's just like dark in there. Yeah. Anyway. They should start. they should create that though that i think that would be when we go to the us do you want to go led screen on

the inside of the tunnel if they do that like a green screen they could just pretend like yeah and that would be like beautiful for kids and stuff and also for me when we go to america we're gonna do our lad Dolce work trip next year. Next year, hot Eurogirl summer. Yeah. Fuck, I've got to start shredding. I've got to shit even more at the gym. When we go to America later in the year,

were you planning on flying or do you want to catch the train? You can't catch a train to America. Yeah. Nah. How big is the Pacific? I don't know. Is that the ocean? Yeah. Oh? I don't know. Is that the ocean? Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. Where specifically in the Pacific are we going? I'm confused. Let's fly. Deal. Leave it to the professionals. Deal. All right, have a great day, everyone.

We'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.