Toni and Ryan - UnAustalian Behaviour

Episode Date: July 30, 2023

Things that AREN'T illegal but feeeeel like they might be. Love u! Toni xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. And we are going back to God's country. Perth. Perth, Western Australia. And this is Mitch, who works like at a, like after school care and stuff like that, takes care of children. I got kicked out of after school care when I was... Yeah, because you probably weren't wearing any... Hello, Mitch, I'm speaking.

Mitch, it's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? Hey, I'm good. Oh, hi, Mitch. Mitch, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hey, I'm good. How are you? Good. I was just saying I got kicked out of after-school care when I was in primary school. Yeah, probably because you were never wearing any shoes. Oh, no. What are you doing?

No, I think I was a bit chatty. Oh. Yeah. Do they not like- Mitch, do you not like kids that are chatty at after-school care? I don't think we'd have a job if we didn't because they're all chatty. That's what I said. That's a great point. Yeah, kids, I love to chat. And they didn't if we didn't because they're all chatting. That's what I said. That's what I said.

Kids, I love to chat. And they didn't like that I chatted about that. Oh. Anyway, enough about me. Mitch, do you approve today's episode? It would be an absolute honour. Thank you. Thanks, Mitch.

Hey, it's Mitch from Perth and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up, you're about to find out what being un-Australian means. We talk a lot about when things like Australian things, Australian food, Australian sayings. But actually, just quickly off the top, Toni, if someone goes, oh, that's un-Australian. Like what could have just happened, do you mean? Pulling the lid off a pie and filling it with tomato sauce

and eating the filling and then eating the pastry. That's fucking disgusting. Yeah. That's un-Australian. Yeah, I do that. And someone has said that to me about it. So that's like my trauma re-emerging as content. Well, a traumatic, in inverted commas, story has happened

in the local suburbs. Oh, yep. A current affair has gone out to do a hit job and one of the eyewitnesses has gone, ah, it's un-Australian. Oh, my God. Was it like, okay, an elect, a sparky was supposed to finish off a job and didn't and then fucking did a run on an old woman and then everyone goes, oh, that's not the Aussie way, mate.

No, but good air is and a great way to paint the picture of what a current affair is. Yeah. So we'll get to that come because of all the current affair stories I've seen, you know how we were talking about clickbait last Monday? Yep. So I saw this story and I've gone, they've outdone themselves here. They've really got low on stories and gone,

is there something in this? Not really, but we'll just ham it up, I guess. Or they've played it three times. They go, yeah, run that story again. I can tell you. You know that they do that. I can tell you, right. Yeah, they definitely do that.

I can tell you this is certainly not one of them because there's no way they're running this a second time because they're, yeah. They're reaching? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's coming up soon. So I want to talk about, speaking of being done by a current affair,

I want to talk about things that, like, feel naughty or feel illegal but aren't. Okay. You've been a little lawbreaker, have you? That was, you said that in a really hot way. What movie is that from? Magic Mike? Matt McConaughey? Ew.

I don't know. He owns the strip club, doesn't he? I feel like that's a McConaughey? Ew. I don't know. He owns the strip club, doesn't he? I feel like that's a McConaughey line. Or maybe Dallas Buyers Club. I haven't seen that. No. Remember when all those people got arrested for downloading Dallas Buyers Club? Do you remember that?

Yeah, that was a real moment in time. Yeah, but that was like the movie that it was like if they found out you had a copy, they're like, right at your house. Oh, that's right. The SWAT team came and shit. The helicopter comes over the head. Yeah, like you're watching your pirated copy and like all of a sudden like, yeah, the power gets cut off, like your phone stops working.

Is that what you've done? No, I did not download Dallas Bias Club. So the other day last week. Is it better or worse? Worse. Oh. The other day last week, well, I've said that twice, I was getting up early to go to the gym and in Melbourne at the moment,

it is fucking freezing cold in the morning. Yep. It also doesn't get light until like 7.30. It's so dark. Like it is so pitch black in the morning. In the UK, it's dark all day in winter. The sun comes up at like 11 and goes down at 2 in the Arvo. Really?

Yeah. It's like exaggeration. But it's like. That would be really hard. You know that like seasonal effectiveness disorder, like the sad thing? Yeah, same. I'm like, I really get that. And so when it's really dark and dreary and there's just something

really awful about waking up when the sun hasn't gotten up yet. So some people who work 9 to 5 in London will go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. And the only daylight happens when they're in the office. Yeah. And, like, when it's dreary and cold outside, it's not like you're going for a walk on your lunch break. Like, you're staying in and you're staying warm, whatever.

Yeah, so it's real dark and cold and crap in Melbourne. And it just feels icky. Like you wake up and you just like feel like it's not time to be up yet. So struggling with motivation, number one, is like really tough. My alarm goes off. I know that I have to be at the gym in like half an hour or whatever. And I get up and all my clothes are laid out. But because it's so dark, normally you can kind of like move around your house with the light that's coming in from the sun coming up it's so dark it's like pitch black

in the house and i didn't want to turn any lights on like big lights because i knew that it would like stream down into our room and i didn't want to wake up torbs i didn't want to wake up Pippa. And so I got my phone and I turned on my torch, like the torch on my phone. And as soon as I did it, I felt like a felon. Like I'm walking around with my- Jimmy Fallon? I turned the torch on and I've been adopted by Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon.

And so I've got like the torch on my phone and I'm like moving it around and like trying to find my clothes and putting my shoes on, filling up my water bottle. And I felt like I was burglarising my own home. Well, if someone was like on the other side of your huge courtyard and saw that like across the way, they'd be like, is that place getting rolled? Getting broken into.

I can see torchlights flying around in the dark. Yeah. Are they still in a VCR? Exactly. Yeah. Are they still on her VCR? Exactly. Yeah. And so I'm like mousing around in my house. Your house? Yeah, my own home.

Yeah. All my own stuff. My own family is asleep in the house. Like everything is mine. But for some reason I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. No, it's the torch. The torch just makes everything feel sinister. The torch is for two things.

One is for making it feel sinister at night. Yeah. And the second is for- Plucking out an ingrown hair when you've got to get like a good light on it. Yeah. Okay, that's the third reason. Third thing. The second thing is for boomers to accidentally switch it on during the day

and then someone else to be like, Oh, right-o, boomer. I do that all the time. Yeah, same. It's so embarrassing. And you know who the most embarrassing person for that to happen in front of is? Your fucking wife.

My wife, Bridget. Yeah. I know. I do it all the time. The torch hasn't even on yet and she goes, okay, boomer. And I go, fuck, she's got me again. Yeah, she's red hot on that. She fucking gets it instantly.

Yeah, every time I do it, even if I smell the button. You smell the button for the torch, she goes, that smells like your other thing. Nah, she's right. And that's why I'm triggered by it because my wife, she's red hot. The first time she ever did it to me, it happened so fast that I started crying. Yeah.

I just, I was, it was like the fucking building was on fire. Things were crashing down around me. I just had no idea, but i got rolled by your wife in that moment because we have said how she's notoriously unfunny yeah and the fact that she just burned you to the ground yeah it's shocking like it really gets you by surprise um but as it turns out that i'm not actually the only person maybe on the tony and ian podcast who is uh being adopted by jimmy felon as we discovered cops get called at your place, mate. Bridget too hot on the company.

Burn you down. So sometimes during the night, BJ will need to go and do a wee. So he'll kind of just like loiter near my side of the bed, which is kind of him saying, hey, can you just let us out for a sec? Here we go.

And so we'll... Have you thought about getting a doggy door? We don't have a door in our house that's not glass. You can get them in glass. But they look shit. Do you reckon? Yeah. And the slide.

Yeah, there's no obvious spot for it. That back laundry door you've got because it's kind of out of sight. But it's all glass and not sliding, so it doesn't quite. Oh, okay. But it's like pretty rare, like once or twice a week. Oh, wouldn't it be good? So we go out the back and then he like jumps the fence in the middle of the night.

What? Yeah, because he's like. Like he must have heard a rabbit or something. Yeah, just went off and had a sniff and just wandered off and I was like, fuck, he's next door. So I'm in my underwear. Oh my, and it's what, 2, 3 a.m. or something? Pitch black, yep.

Oh my, so it, 3 a.m. or something? Pitch black, yep. Oh, my. So it's 7 a.m. So I've got a T-shirt on and just like jocks. Your knickers, yeah. No, don't say knickers. Oh, your pant. Yeah. Sorry.

I'm really sorry for that. And then I've got these like old Nikes by the door. So I'm just in my underwear and runners. And runners. And then I put the light you probably look like you're running away from the hospital and then i put the torch on my light and i jumped the light on my phone the light on my phone and then you hear bridget from the i was like first of all you're asleep second of, it's nighttime. And so I climbed the fence in my underwear.

Is this your back fence? No, the side one. Oh, okay. And so it's like a little wire fence. So it's like the back fence. Wouldn't have thought so. Well, kind of. Privacy.

And Mabel can't have a sibling if you're going through the back fence. And so I'm also climbing over a wire fence without like strong denim on. Oh, it's dicey. It's dicey. I've ripped my jeans going over a fence to steal lemons for tequila before. Yeah. And so I've got my little torch on and I'm like, if the neighbours see, they're going to see some guy in his underwear

with a torch who's like stealing because they've got a dog and a couple of chickens, I think, next door. Oh, and the chickens, alert chickens. They'll let you know straight away. Oh, but like if you've got chickens out the back and then there's like some guy with a torch because BJ likes looking at the chickens. So I'm up like next to the coop and so he's like.

Stealing the eggs. He's like, is someone stealing the chickens? Egg faith. Yeah. Sorry. And so I'm like, if anyone. It's just the worst crime. If anyone saw me right now, it's.

How do you explain that? Well, not only. Yeah. How do you. It's hard to. It's like, well, if you're not stealing, what are you doing? Yeah. There's no alternative.

No. Oh, no. My dog needed to piss and then jumped the fence at 2am and then I took my pants off. Yeah, and luckily I had my runners on because if I had my Birks on, I wouldn't have been able to, you know, commandeer this area. Yeah, and I was like, I feel like I'm doing nothing wrong. I know the neighbours. You know, we've got a really nice, like, neighbourly,

friendly thing going on. Yeah. Nothing wrong. Yeah. And I felt like a criminal. Yeah. I mean, yours is, your story probably is actually a bit worse than mine. Because you genuinely were on someone else's property and like, you know.

It's all free for all out there. We share. I know. And you know them. It's not as if you were doing the wrong thing. Like, you were just getting your dog back. Like it's, you know, all about board. They brought around a book for Mabel and some hot muffins on Sunday morning.

And a lasagna. So you threw that out. Yeah, I threw it back in their face. I've got a fucking enough lasagnas, but I will take the muffins. Yeah, the muffins sound good. Thank you. That is not great, though, the situation that you can't yourself. The book was called That's Not My Donkey for those playing along at home.

Oh, well, I've got a copy of that for Mabel in my bag. I'll take it back and get her something else. Okay, that's not my giraffe. Yep. Is she into those at the moment? Yeah, because they're touch. Oh, great. I'll get that on the way home.

I wrote down a couple other things that feel illegal or feel real naughty but aren't. One was ordering a dirty drink. Like, you know how if I get a hot drink, I always say, like, oh, can I get a dirty chai? Yeah. And you feel like, can I get a naughty, disgusting, dirty little bitch chai? Yeah, for the dirty little girl that I am.

Yeah. Can I get a whore's chai? That's what it feels like when you ask for it. It's just the name. Yeah, it's just like when you ask for a dirty martini, like can I get a fucking disgusting martini, please? I always felt that about, you know how James Bond famously has like shaken nuts to it?

Yeah. I feel like if you order that, the barman would tell you to go fuck yourself. Yeah, they would think you were poser drinking. Like they would think that you were like, I heard that on James Bond. I'm like if you order that, the barman would tell you to go fuck yourself. Yeah. They would think you were poser drinking. Like they would think that you were like, I heard that on James Bond. I'm going to ask for that. I'm just going to get you a beer. Can I get a dirty martini shake and not stir?

You'll actually get it how you fucking get it. I've asked. You'll get it how I serve it. Yeah. It's like I've ordered a dirty martini a lot of times. And sometimes when you go somewhere, they don't give it to you dirty because they think that you're being a fuckhead. Can you say give it to me dirty again?

Can I get a dirty martini? Oh, no, normally if I was – okay, let me cosplay this. What does dirty mean in the bar? So dirty for a martini is the olive brine. Oh, okay. So if you have a dirty martini, it's got the olive brine in it, so it gives it like a different flavour. But if you ask for a martini like with a twist,ini it's got the olive brine in it so it gives it like a different flavor yeah but if you ask for a martini like with a twist then that's citrus yep and it will have like lemon

peel in it or being like lemon i'm all about orange peel at the moment yeah so like it would be some kind of citrus um but yeah like and so if so normally if i was out and i was ordering a martini i would say can i have a gin martini? Dirty. Yeah. That's what I would order. But some places, when you order that, they don't give that to you because they think you're being a fuckhead and they just give you like a vodka martini and it's not the same. Yeah. Because they just think that you're being a fuckhead.

But it's delicious. I don't know. And it is pure booze. It really is. Which is like not good for me. I didn't realize that about cocktails or someone who would would have, like, a bourbon and Coke, I assumed cocktails had, like... A mixer.

But no. No. They're just like, oh, it's straight booze with an olive. Yeah. Torbz's favourite drink is a Manhattan, and that is also just, like, rocket fuel. Yeah. And because with a martini, though, you have to drink it while it's cold

because as it gets warm it, like, isn't as good. So you have to drink it quickly. But also, as someone who, like, can't as good. So you have to drink it quickly. But also as someone who like can't drink. You're done for the night. That's like if that was split over six drinks with a bit of soda water, that would do me perfectly. But it's actually having that all in one and then I get the anxiety of drinking it cold.

Over six drinks. You know what I mean? Well, that's the annoying thing when they don't serve it with ice because you don't serve that with ice. But when you have another one with ice, you can sip on it for ages. Yeah. Because it kind of like regenerates itself.'m sorry if this is like on your list already but i do this thing and it makes some people feel awkward i don't feel awkward but i

feel like it's illegal what is it like buying condoms or lube or something oh yeah so i don't get like the awkwardness it's more like for me it feels like I'm committing a crime. For me it feels like I'm putting a sign on my head that says I'm fucking tonight and that's so embarrassing to me. Like I just can't do it. But I expect like the person at the supermarket to be like, are you allowed to have? Why do you need these?

Yeah. Does your wife know? Or something like they're going to question what you're doing and they don't give a fuck. No, they don't. But I feel like the cops are going to come in and go, oh, so what's the plan, bro? You got permission slip? I totally agree.

Producer Cam said a really good one. He said, when you leave a supermarket or a shop without buying something, you feel like you walk out, you're like, oh, nothing for me today. And like you're overacting. You know, your giant bulging pockets full of condoms that you haven't paid for. Can I tell you a vulnerable story? Please.

So back in the, and still sometimes, but as you know, sometimes I need to go to the bathroom and sometimes it'll just like. It hits you. It hits you. Yeah. So I was in the supermarket um with uh you know half a basket full of stuff yep and it was just like oh i'm on here it's it's fucking it's about to happen and it was one of those centers but there was a toilet just out in the you know at

the front of the supermarket in the center um so i put i just left the basket on the ground. Yeah. But because it was like happening, I had to do, it would have looked like I was like a walker in the Olympics. You know how they do that funny walk? Fast walk with the tight bum. But of course, if you've stolen something, you're going to like. Walk quickly. But you're not going to run because that's obvious.

Yeah. But you're going to walk sternly. Yeah. And so. With purpose. With obvious. Yeah. But you're going to walk sternly. Yeah. With purpose. With purpose. Yeah. And so after perusing the aisles, suddenly this guy who's wearing a black hoodie just starts walking quickly straight through and goes, I just ate my coffee over.

Walks straight through and goes, oh, nothing for me, and just like walks off at speed. And the security's like, well, he's obviously just taken something and is about to do a run for it. So the security guy comes over and just goes, oh, excuse me, mate. They stopped you? Yeah. Oh, my God, I would throw up and die. Well, I did out of my butt. The only crime committed was you shitting in a supermarket.

I just went, so I just really need to go. And he just went, oh, okay. Like he didn't even get a chance to kind of go, excuse me, can I? Or I don't even know. He just sort of walked over. Maybe he was just walking that direction. But then 10 minutes later. He just looked at me, I need a shirt.

And then I just walked back in. I was going to say 10 minutes later, you look a bit more relaxed. You walk back in. You pick the half a basket that you've left on the floor back up and you go, hmm, might check out the olives actually. I was actually pleasantly surprised that I was sort of nervous that they might have started like unstacking my basket and putting the stuff back.

I get so nervous about that. Yeah. When I was a kid, my mum never let me go to the bathroom by myself. Like if we were in a public place, like she would always be like, no, I'll take you like just to make sure that you're okay. Were you going to drown or something? No, like I think she was just like, oh, I'll just come make sure that you're fine. Yeah, stranger danger. Yeah. And we were out for dinner and it was just the two of us we were at fast

steadies and carousel shoulder not there anymore r.i.p um and we both had dinner sitting there and a drink sitting there and i said mom i really need to go do a wee and she was like she was like okay let's go and i was like no no if you come like they might take our food away she's like they won't. Like our plates are full. It's fine. She took me to the toilet and we came back. All our food was gone.

And I cried because my eggs Benedict, Ed's Benedict it was called, the eggs, fast eddies. That's quite clever. That had been taken away and I was so gutted. And then they gave us free apple pie to say sorry. No, it's Benedict though. I was going to say, keep your apple pie, mate. Bring the Ed's Benedict back out here.

They didn't just, like, replace the meal. Is Ed out of Holland days? Fucking chop, chop. I paid for that shit. Yeah, I know. And then I think they gave us our dinner for free and stuff. The apple pie is like an insult. Yeah.

It's almost like, oh, consolation pie. Give me the Ed's Benedict. Did you say dinner? Yeah. You're having Ed's Benedict for dinner. Their whole shtick was a 24-hour breakfast. And they closed down. Yeah. That's a real shameding for dinner. Their whole shtick was a 24-hour breakfast. And they closed down. Yeah.

That's a real shame. It's actually really sad. A huge loss for the Perth community, I would say. They're still reeling. Yeah. And the Kop the Lot burger, that was also on the menu. That was very, very good. Yeah.

Anyway, enough commiserating about Fast Eddies. I would love to hear if anybody else has something that feels dirty or illegal or a bit naughty but it isn't and every time you do it you go another one doing a u-turn you feel like you're breaking the law like but you actually are allowed to do it i mean i mean sometimes there are places where you can't yeah you know you can't turn can't turn right out of Vic Gardens? Out of Vic Gardens, yeah. And, like, obviously you always do. If there's no traffic. If it's clear.

If it's safe, yeah. Yeah, you can't turn right there and I would never. Hey, it's Mitch from Perth and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion champions from the Patreon. Alexandra Dewar, thank you so much, Alexandra. Love to see that. Ali Smith. Hey, Smith. Thanks, Big Al.

AS24. What's that? One of the great movie studios in the world Oh yeah of course they do Everything Anywhere Everything All At Once In the place all the time Zach W love that thank you Emily Strickland

Brodie Dombrow And Heather Barcroft Thanks Barcroft Oh yeah I'd love to go for a Barcroft Like when you go to many bars On like one outing Cool What's that called? A Barcrawl But her last name is Barcroft Like when you go to many bars on like one outing. Cool.

What's that called? A bar crawl. Oh, yeah. But her last name is Barcroft. One of the craziest nights I've had in my life. Yeah. And I actually went there twice, three or four years apart. Was this the fine party when you pissed on someone again? No, that was in Melbourne.

This company called the Hong Kong Bar Crawl. And so it's just like on a week. Where is it? It's in Cambodia. And so you rock up to this bar at 8 o'clock on a Wednesday and then- I am. I am, on the way to work. In Cambodia.

Yeah. And you pay them like $10 and they take you to five different places and the first drink at each place is free. Oh, that's- for me, that would put me right down. Yeah, but because everyone- $10? $10. Yeah, and, that's, for me, that would put me right down. Yeah, but because everyone. Ten bucks. Yeah, and so that's like five drinks. You know that a cocktail in Australia is like never less than $20?

Yeah, it's fucked, isn't it? Isn't that insane? And so everyone had a sticker and it's like, what's your name, what country you're from, and what should I never ask you about? That is like a bit of a lull. Oh, hot. So it's always like, oh, don't ask about the time.

Never ask what colour underwear I'm wearing because I'm not wearing any. You could write that if you wanted. Things that feel naughty that aren't. Not wearing underwear. That does feel illegal. Yeah, it does. Yeah, don't you feel like that's illegal?

Sorry. Remember on that Simpsons episode where he grabs the candy from the babysitter's butt and like that shonky TV tabloid does like a hit job on him? Yeah. Yeah, rock bottom. And it's like the clock's moving and it's just like really dodgy. If Australia had a show like that, is it fair to say

it would be a current affair? A hundred percent. Yeah. Now, Tony, we mentioned it earlier, but for people outside of Australia, can you bring us up to speed with like, what's a current affair all about? So it's not news. Well, they would argue it is. No, no, no.

But it's not like a news program. It's like a current affair. It's like social injustices, I guess, is what they would consider it. So yeah, like a dodgy plumber that's, like, left old people in the lurch or, like, oh, this school says that they won't let anyone in with a mullet, you know, like that kind of thing. Yeah.

You know, just real, like, social news. And I feel like... Things that are affecting the community. Yeah, the suburbs. And that's, like, how they pretend that they're like on your side. Yeah. They're like, no, we're giving the little guy a voice. We're sticking up for the battler.

You know, like, yeah, the everyday Aussie battler, they get on here and they are given a platform to talk about their injustices. Is it fair to say with The Current Affair and other maybe sensationalist media, they're the birthplace of really good slash cooked eyewitnesses. Oh, yeah. He came bounding over.

But even those stories when it's like they clearly didn't see what happened and the camera rocks up and they go, here's my five minutes of fame. So what happened? I seen him. So he fucking turned left and he was crazy. He's got like no bearing on the actual story. Do you remember the chick chick boom girl? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So she just said, I saw a camera and went over. And the cameraman's like, so what happened? He goes, yeah, so this fat little bloke went over to that skinny bloke and punched him. And then the other guy pulled out a gun and was like, so what happened? He goes, yeah, so this fat little bloke went over to that skinny bloke and punched him and then the other guy pulled out a gun and was like, chick, chick, boom. I totally forgot that that was something that happened.

And it ran on the news for ages and then a week later she was like, yeah, no, I didn't see it. I just saw a camera and ran over and just thought it was hilarious. And, you know, someone made a rap song out of it and it was like a classic five minutes of fame thing. I know that this isn't the same because it was like a classic five minutes of fame. So. You know, I know that this isn't the same because it was Dr. Phil, but you know the Cash Me Outside girl, like Danielle Bregoli?

She is like a multi-millionaire now. Each month? Yeah. Like she is like huge on OnlyFans. She's got like. She did Perth. She did the show. She's like, yeah, Gucci flip flops, fucking catching one in the socks.

That's one of her songs. Was that a song, was it? Yeah. Yeah. Jeez, that was a dad Was that a song, was it? Yeah. Jeez, that was a dad thing to say, wasn't it? Oh, music these days. Oh, God, you bloody wouldn't know your ass from your elbow with your music. Even though A Current Affair is different for Dr. Phil, it's very similar areas. Similar areas, yeah.

Like, not a real doctor, not real news kind of vibe. Is he not a real doctor? Nah. Really? Nah, that is not a doctor. He is a drifter just saying shit. Like you buy into the hype. Are you going to say grifter?

What's that mean? That's like people say Trump's a grifter because he always gets away with it and always scheming and always has an angle. But less, not scheming, but I think just like he went, let's make a show called Doctor Film. People went, all right. Cool. There was an eyewitness on A Current Affair the other night.

Beautiful. And they said, it's just un-Australian. And what a sound bite. You just know that whoever was recording that went. Yeah. It's like every day a producer of A Current Affair wakes up and goes, fuck, today someone could call something un-Australian and I'll be fucking on here.

And they can use that audio for everything. They do. It's the same guy every time. Oh, the local lawn bowls club is raising their beer prices. That's un-Australian. Having to pay to park at the beach in Bondi. Oh, that's un-Australian. So imagine this.

And I think we're giving a good area of the big, bold voiceover. Oh, yeah. Probably the dramatic music as well. The sign that your local service station is ripping you off. That's kind of that vibe. Are you ready for the headline? Yes. And this has got me so jazzed up.

When I watched this, I was like, oh, they are out of ideas. Oh, okay. Well, maybe they let the intern do this one, produce this one. I'll read the headline and we'll go with it and I'll tell you what happened and then I'll tell you what actually happened. Oh, okay. Because I've done a little investigating myself over here. Oh, okay, crazy.

At a car in a John. That's my new show. We'll work on the title. Working title. No title, no title, no new show. The Dandenong Council is banning deep fries at the local football.

People watching footy can no longer eat hot chips at the game. And it cuts to some old bag at the local footy with one tooth and guess what she reckons? That's un-Australian. I kid you not. I genuinely saw this story this morning on Sunrise. I turned the TV on for Pippa and they were doing this story

and they're interviewing the bloke from the Dandenong fucking football club. And hasn't he been on every station this week? Oh, mate, he is ready for media. Like, he could take Shervo's job now. Is that right? Oh, yeah, mate. He's been flying through. Well. he could take Chervo's job now. Is that right? Oh, yeah, mate. He's been flying through. Well.

Not good. Not good. Not good. I tell you what's crazy, that someone at Channel 7 saw this on Channel 9 and went, we need to get on this. Breaking news. Bibbidi-bibbidi-bib. Can I tell you what happened?

Oh, because I saw that and I was like, surely that's not what's happened. So, they got rid of the deep fryer because they bought a fucking sick air fryer. And they go, well, that's not much of a story. What if we instead say, instead of- Sorry, I'm going to stop you right there. Not only is it not much of a story, it's not a story. Thank you. Local football club replaces broken-

Upgrades canteen equipment. Yeah. Like. So, okay, this is what I see. They go, this guy, he's out there on a Sunday going, fuck, I've got to go to work tomorrow and I've got nothing. And he goes, get out and make some chips. And she goes, yeah.

Yeah, the air fryer's about done. He goes. Excuse me? The what? Excuse me, what did you say? Did you say air fryer? What happened to the deep fryer? Oh, it's getting a bit old. We're going to get a new one. And we thought we'd get an air fryer instead about done. He goes. Excuse me? The what? Excuse me? What did you say? Did you say air fryer? What happened to the deep fryer? Oh, it's getting a bit old.

We're going to get a new one. And we thought we'd get an air fryer instead because it's faster and more efficient and probably healthier and tastes exactly the same. Yeah. And the guy goes, so you're saying they banned the deep fryer? Well, that's un-Australian. That's un-Australian. We've got to share this.

Do you have anyone who can't talk? Yeah, Shirley over there. Great. Shirley, let me get my phone out. Pop her on the TV. What do you think it is? I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with schmunner schmaling.

And she's standing there enjoying her air fryer chips as they go, they've banned those, and she goes, you're fucking joking me. And they go, well, we can't use that. Could you say something else? And she goes, well, that's not Australian. I think you always know you're onto a good story when the journalist before the quote has to tell the person what happened. What's happened.

Because if he goes, hey, mate, did you know they upgraded the equipment? And they go, okay. You go, hey, did you know they banned the deep fryer? No, not only banned the deep fryer, but banned the chips. You can't enjoy chips now. So I will say on Sunrise their thing was, well, you don't want to go to the footy and enjoy a salad sandwich. Where have you gotten that from?

No one anywhere has mentioned a salad sandwich. Like where have you gotten that from? Me not eating a chip doesn't mean that I'm eating a salad sandwich instead. Yeah, and someone who has used any alternative than to eat a salad sandwich for 36 years. You'd know. You'd know. You'd know. So you used to be able to get hot chips, hot dogs, or dim sims.

Sure. You now can get hot dogs, hot chips, dim sims. Wow. From a different machine. So it sounds like all the same stuff. And you know what it doesn't sound like? Not a salad sandwich to be seen. But I'm like, so where have you gotten that from?

Isn't that just, I just. It's a current affair. It's an affair that's current, happening in the community now. Keeping the little guy down. You won't believe what the council have done now, you know? Okay, second of all, I told you after not sleeping for a very long time in the live stream that my dream job was to be the voiceover guy of

one of those cop shows on 7 May. I forgot about that, yeah. I think if you team me up with that job I'll try and get you a voiceover job at a current affair. I could do it, eh? Yeah, you're real good. Yeah, thanks. I was waiting for that. You were fishing and you've caught one. Oh.

Did you hear that? You could also be the And I see you're fishing and you've caught one. Oh. Boop. Did you hear that? You could also be the sound effects girl of Finding Nemo. Do that again. I think that job might have already been. I don't. That was incredible. This is Tony flicking her face. It is quite impressive.

That sounded amazing. That did sound amazing. Yeah, okay. Thanks, everyone. Voice-over artists banned from using words. Forced to do things dropping into water. And eat a salad sandwich. Hey, Tony, what's your love to see it?

My love to see it is similar to me taking up a new career in voice acting and sound effects Kate Clare shared this in our Facebook group I'm making a huge leap I've always dreamed of travelling the world

and never had the guts to do it I feel that I think it's like a really daunting thing do you reckon her iPhone lock screen is a picture of

nature definitely as of two days ago I quit my job. I'm packing up, selling all my shit, and I'm fucking going for it. See ya! I'm travelling the world for a year with my best friend and my dog. Holy shit, and dog?

Yep, and couldn't be more excited. Also a little bit terrified. We land in Spain August 2nd, and we'll kick it all off from there. And if I'm not mistaken, August 2nd, is this Wednesday? Oh, my God. So fucking good on you. That is sick. That is insanity.

Congratulations. Starting in Spain as well. Oh, yeah. Have a nice sangria and fucking kick off your journey. Yeah, you won't get hot chips over there, though. Oh, yeah. Air fryers only, I've heard. Bam.

Mark has sent through a warning. Yeah, you won't get hot chips over there though. Oh yeah, air fryers only I've heard. Bam. Mark has sent through a warning. Hi Mark. He said, my love to see it has areas of coincidence chat. Oh, nah. Okay, I'll take it. But he's putting his hand up and saying like it is what it is and I acknowledge that. Okay. Mark's wife and Mark have not

only the same birth date but it was actually the same year. They were it was actually the same year. They were born on the exact same day. That's interesting. And we are planning, says Mark, on doing an ultimate driving day and going from place to place to get the birthday freebies. Oh, yeah. Like you go to Booster's, you get a free one, half price off at Nando's or whatever. But because it's both our birthdays on the same day, it's like a fun thing we can do

together. That's very sweet, actually. By the end of today, we'll be fucking buzzing after having five free coffees, a big-ass boost juice, and a whole bunch of donuts from a whole bunch of different places around town. You love to say that. You love to say that.

You have to use the system to your advantage. I agree. And you absolutely are doing that. Mark, fucking, you love to say that. You love to say that. Good job. Get around it. Well done.

Thank you so much for listening today. No, we fucking really crossed a lot of areas. Tomorrow in Confessions. These are top confessions. Hang on. No, I've done a lot of voiceover in this episode, but I've got to give one more. Please.

Tomorrow, it's the revenge edition of Confessions. People getting back at their partner. And spoiler alert, they might not be together anymore. Well, they're definitely not because of the revenge. But that's tomorrow on the show. And that's on Australian. And that's the Tony and Ryan podcast for today. Love you, bye.