Toni and Ryan - Unethical Five Star Reviews

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

Substack - Forced 5 star reviews - Tonella and Ryano Seasoned 2 - Ep 2 thanks to KFC’s New WICKED menu - love ya!!!!!Video for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The masseuse asked if I was pregnant, then stomach shamed me, then felt me up, then coerced me into giving her a five-star review. This was all in one massage from a lady whose hands were so weak. I had to ask her if the pressure was okay. Hi, I'm Felicia from Iowa and the United States. Hi, I'm Christy from the Piney Valley in Australia. Hi, I'm Sarah from Victoria, D.C. Canada. And I have this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan.

This is Dr. Author bestselling Dr. Author Tony Lodge. How's the voice? How's the pipes? We're pushing on. We're fighting the good fight. We're doing it. We're the millennials. We do not call insic.

We do not call Insig. Even though I did on Monday. Coming up, episode two of Tonella and Riano seasoned two, thanks to KFC, hashtag sponsored hashtag ag. But first, Tony Lodge. I've been, I'm actually a pretty good person.

I don't know if you guys knew that. I've actually been scrolling substack heaps. It's like my new favorite, like, algorithm. Yep. Because, and I've said this to Ryan privately, and I hope that people appreciate this and can relate. It feels a bit like Tumblr. Because back in the day when you would scroll on Tumblr,

it was like some, like long form writing, some short form, some photos, but like videos weren't really a thing. But it was just like aesthetic and like... Does it feel like a meaningful scroll? It does. I feel better about myself after I've scrolled on subscribe. We scroll TikTok in an hour and you're just like, I want to die. at Substack, you're like, I'm inspired to cook.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to cook something and I'm going to paint that wall and I'm going to do my washing and I feel like you want to be a good goal. But it's all over now. Oh. Because I was just scrolling on Substack online, right? Yeah. And I was like, you know what? I think I've just got to get that app.

Like, I think, you know, I think I'm at the point now where I can probably get that. Yeah. Like, we're at, we're there. And I download the app and it's like, oh, finish, like, complete your profile. And I was like, oh, I'm really. not like I'm not posting I'm literally I'm just reading and liking like I'm not yeah like yeah so like do what are you interested in you've got a feeling or you're yeah and it gets to the end and it goes cool we just need to confirm your age and I was like oh random okay they sell drinks at this bar

and they go yeah like what is they yeah because I asked I asked when it's spread so much in the like can I subscribe to sowers weekly and get a cosmo that's funny um craft corner and a dirty martini, thank you. Oh, that sounds clavily. Anyway, it's like, oh, we need to confirm your age.

And I thought it was just going to be one of the, you know, when you go to like the Grey Goose website, and it's like, tell us what year you were born and we can confer.

Like, it doesn't confirm anything. But it doesn't confirm anything. They go, oh, they go, oh, you can upload a government ID. And I went, well, I'm on the couch.

I'm not getting up. Or you can just take a photo. And I was like, oh, well, if I take a photo, like, it's probably not. going to work. What do you mean? What do you mean?

So some just judges you. Well, so yeah, like how do they decide? He just looks at you and go, oh, that bitch is old. Yeah, like, but how do they decide? And you know when some of those ones where you hold it up and it scans your face for like 30 seconds? You go like hold your face still or whatever? I shit you not. I go, sure, let's try the photo one.

I hit it. I put my phone to about here and he goes, yeah, all good. you're in grandma fuck you suck you sumpstack get absolutely ribbed fuck you're off of well how did they

how do they I assume that I'm over 18 it's so quickly get like there's just got to be a little bit of social fucking lubricant there you know where they go

oh maybe oh yep I think it's okay this is the rule which appears that you haven't learned. That substack haven't learned. Whatever you think someone's age is, you take off six. Yep.

So Tony, how old do you think I am? 15. Charles isn't even born yet. I would say, I'm going to shut the fuck up. No, I'm Slate. You're not under 18. Nah. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm literally not. I'm just not. I'm just not. Even if you gave me a generous younger age. Yeah. Like I'm, I look 30 and that's fine.

Yeah. For a 33 year old. I'm 35 year old. I'm 32. I saw this girl who looked, she was a kid in a movie. Yeah. She looked 45.

Oh. Yeah. What movie was it? What was it? Or maybe it was like one of the videos we reacted to in a thing the other day. Just all melds together, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

But I couldn't believe. I just thought that they were. a bit too quick with it. Like, just pretend. Oh, let me think of it. Just give me a second. Like, I didn't even get it to a good angle. Like, maybe if you gave me a good angle, you know, but you're just like, yep, you're in

girl. Like, see you at the nursing home. You know, like, it was too fast. So are you off substack? No, mom. I love it. It's such a nice scroll. I implore anybody.

I start stacking. Is substack really just Patreon? Yeah. But bad. Shut the fuck up. It's a good platform. That's what I'll say. It's a good platform.

Place to be. Hey, um, a few weeks ago, Tony, you mentioned that she was bullied into a five-star review. Hustled. Hustled in my own home. A carpet cleaner was like, if you give me a five-star review, I'll do this. And Tony was like, no. What the thing I'm paying for? You do the thing.

And then I'll decide if I have a review. Yeah, it was a really nasty story. It was weird. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you. And then they got Torbs on the way out as well. Yeah. My poor husband.

We're married. Stacey sent a message through it. Everyone's like, dude, we've had the same. It's fucked. Everyone's on your side. Thank God. So these are like in camaraderie. Oh, yeah.

Amazing. Hey, Stace. I stayed at a hotel on a hens weekend and they said that'd give us a free drink if we gave the place a five-star hotel. Nope. A five-star review. Give us a five-star hot gel. Oh, for a free drink, sure.

Sure. Pass me the lease. The place was absolute trash, but try telling a group of girls to say no to free bubbly at a hen's weekend. But see, I think that that is semi-reasonable, but I do think that as a review reader, it fucks it for people that actually need the information. She said that was a two-star at most wasteland, and it got a lot of five-star reviews that day. And so I like whilst I don't blame Stacey for taking the free drink as someone like I said who does read the reviews. Yeah.

Because I was like, well, I booked this carpet cleaner and steam cleaner based on the fact that the reviews were good. So I don't think I included it on my list here. But when I was going through the comments, someone said they went to this restaurant in Japan because I got all these great reviews. Oh, amazing. And they went there and it kind of like sucked. And then after the main, they were like, oh, we'll give you a free dessert. if you give it a five-star review. And then she goes, oh, that'd be great.

And then she goes, oh, that's why all those reviews were great. And the place wasn't that good. That's not the point. And, yeah, and this is, like, I think asking for our review is different. But, like, you can't bribe people to give you a fiver. Amy Mills. Hi, if that fucked you off, you're not going to.

Oh, yeah. And I'm, I'm on my high horse. This old grandma's bloody onto it. A hairdresser intimidated me to. giving her a five-star review before she'd even ruined my hair. Mid-job, she tells me these horror stories about people who leave bad reviews and it's bad for her business and blah and blah. And she said, if I give you five stars right now,

she'll have me looking like Selena Gomez when I leave the salon. I mean, that should have been a red flag for everyone. You give me five stars. Selina Gomez is stunning, but what a random reference. Charles is upset. Oh, I thought you were upside down over that and I was like, you're all right. You give me a five-star review. I'll have you leave it.

in here looking like Selena Gomez. What a random thing to say. Also, turning on the wood, oh, it's so powerful for my business with the bad, well, like, you know, why are they- Given good haircuts? Well, yeah, like, why the bad reviews come and, you know? I was terrified. She was pressuring me so hard mid-appointment. I tried to say I'd do it afterwards if I was happy with the result.

That's very strong. She was not pleased when I said that and she made my hair look worse on purpose. I did not leave looking like Selena Gomez. What? What? I know. That's what I, I've got a bit of a theory. Because you know how she just said like, oh, I'll, I'll give you a good review if it's good at the end.

Like, that's fair. I've got a bit of a theory about like, if you tell someone that you're using a voucher, I reckon that they throw all caution to the wind and they don't care anymore. Oh, because you didn't pay so you just get what you get. Yeah, like is, like if I go to a hairdresser and I go, oh, like, yeah, I've got a fucking group on or my sister bought me a voucher or whatever, do they just go, well, I've already got the mind. Who cares? I don't.

Even if it's not consciously, I reckon subconsciously, I reckon you're on to something. They'd be wary, I reckon, like, that they would just be like, oh, well, who cares? Why don't we test this? How? You go to your hairdresser. Yeah, Brichel. And you pay Brickle. Yeah.

I'll go to a barba with a voucher. Yeah. And then we'll compare hairdos. Yeah. It sounds like a very controlled expense. I like it. Imagine getting a voucher to the bar that we went to that day, Charles. The one where we did your Travis Kelsey haircut?

Yeah. They were good. No, they hate... No, the fringe. I wasn't there for that. I wasn't there for that. Yeah, yeah. They didn't like that.

They didn't like us in there at all. No, that's fair. Jane Allen. Hi, Jane Allen. God save some names for the rest of us, Joan. The masseuse asked if I was pregnant, then stomach shamed me, then felt me up. up, then coerced me into giving her a five-star review.

This was all in one massage from a lady whose hands were so weak. I had to ask her if the pressure was okay. What a wall of information I've just received from Jane Allen. You mean, I was the pressure again. How's that for you, darling? Are you going to survive? I'd snap you fucking wrist off. How's that feeling for you?

Fucking how. Hang on. So said, oh, Jay Allen, you're obviously pregnant. And then Jane Allen has gone, well, I'm not. And they've gone, oh, wouldn't have thought so. Yeah. And then filter up. Yeah.

And then coerced her into the review. And then mid-mousearchs, like, you're going to give me a five-star review though, right? And you're laying there naked face down. What are you supposed to say? Very vulnerable. Like you're definitely going to be like, well, I'm going to say yes, that you don't get my car keys out of my jeans that are in the chair just over there. All in one massage from a lady whose hands were so weak.

I had to ask her if the pressure was okay. That's comedy from Jane. well done jane that's very funny horrible experience though obviously harrowing now when we talked about this on the show a few weeks ago do you remember what we said at the end oh we forced people to give us a five-star review

and I said you can't do that but we said review our podcast on Apple as if we were a couch cleaning service that's very funny you wouldn't fucking believe it and we didn't really go and look no I forgot it all about it until I logged on this morning

Charles does spring up the first one. Five stars. Love the pod. Also carpet was spotless. Yep. That was from Frankie. Nice Frankie. Thanks Frankie.

The next one is from Chanta 92. Best couch cleaning service in Melbourne. If I could rate these two higher, I would. My couch has never been cleaner. Hopefully now it'll stay cleaner before these two make me piss myself again. Good on you, Chanta. All right. Next one is from.

on Brittany, which is a great name. Couch is spotless. This is all on Apple reviews. You can go and check out our podcast on Apple. Exceptional cleaning. Appreciate the attention to detail and extra work cleaning the rug. That is so fucking funny. Carpet and rug are perfect.

Says Needs 81. Five stars with a... Carpet has never looked cleaner. Bonus the rug is like brand new. So people... I love the tarp is so much. people, if they ever look up Tony and Ryan on Apple and they go, oh, should I listen to this podcast? I thought, what are the reviews say?

And all these say, how clean the carpet is. Does the carpet match the drapes? Not they're both filthy. Now, what I will say is no more carpet cleaning reviews. No. But you may now review our podcast as if it was a car wash. Car spotless Enjoyed very much

Hi, I'm Felicia from Iowa in the United States Hi, I'm Christy from the Piney Valley in Australia Hi, I'm Sarah from Victoria, B,C, Canada And you're listening to training to train and ride A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpett Nah, not ready, sorry, that was too fast day No, I love it, I love it

It was that too fast? No, I love it All right, here we go, a massive Shout out to you have checked. I didn't even warm you up before I fucked up. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, sorry. Good on your Steph P.

One of our champion type is over at our Patreon. Billy Wissnicki. Thank you, Billy. Courtney Bailey. Oh, top me off my bailies. Thank you. Courtney. That'll give me a stiff P.

Roxy L, good on your Roxy. Sarah M. Natasha Sergi, Bethany Isherwood. And Isha Wood? His top's feeling alright after his, um, Nisha Sergi? Natasha Sergi. He is actually, thanks for asking.

Thank you for asking. Sam WT, good on you, Sam. And Molly A. Good on you. Molly A. Oh, yeah, that's from Molly A. You know what I'd give five stars to every time? KFC's new wicked menu, limited time.

Hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored. Hashtag, yum. Let's do episode two of season two of Tonella and Riano. Last time on Tonella and Riano, season two. Thanks to C.'s new limited time wicked menu, recipes were stolen and honeymoons cut short. Our long-held secret is about to be revealed that will change the course of Tonella's life forever. We flash back to 1960s Kentucky. A young Mama Lavala is flirting with a man who looks eerily similar to Rich Baby Charles.

The role of Colonel Sanders will be played by Charles. Oh, Colonel, I love your Kentucky fried chicken. She takes a bite of chicken seductively and looks at the colonel. I believe that Colonel Sanders would have an accent. Oh, yeah, he would too. I believe that Colonel Sanders would be quite a southern... A Kentucky man. A southern American accent.

Or a mama lover here in Kentucky. Oh my God. Mama Lavella. Here in Kentucky, we just call it fried chicken. The two kiss and other things that I cannot say. Touching me with your spouses and herbs. Oh, yeah. That Kentucky fried chicken.

Oh, if I must say it is a finger lick in the glute. A week later, Mama Lavella sneaks into the kitchen. Colonel's kitchen. Recipe, I cannot live without something to remember him by. I want to be able to taste his chicken again, and again, forever. Mama La Valla finds the recipe, puts it in her Italian purse, and leaves Kentucky in the middle of the night. Here in Italia, we just call it a purse.

Back in the present day, Mama Lavella confesses everything to Tanalla and Riano. Her whole reputation and her famous secret. recipe is based on a lie. Tanla and Rihano walk to the cliff top to debrief. They look out to the ocean, trying to process the news. I cannot even believe my mama lied to me. What else has she lied about? Next the time you know we'll find out that the girls from West Porto-Darple

actually allowed to be in the ice... Omets. That's a deep cut. I know. Tonela, I think... Don't say. I think your real father is the Colonel. You were born nine months after she went to Kentucky,

and our son, Rich Baby Charles, is Colonel's grandson. They look identical. I think I need some time to be alone. Riano, can I meet you back at the Lavella Villa? Lovela Villa. Riano heads north back to the villa. But from the south, Riano's evil... twin brother Johnny walks toward the cliff top and sees Tonella.

Evil twin Johnny isn't wearing his hat and thus Tonella doesn't know it's the evil twin. Rihano, I thought you just left to the north. How'd you get back here? You're a tricky dicky. My mother, a secret recipe was actually stolen from KFC. Evil twin Johnny slowly puts his hat back on. The recipe isn't hers? Who told her you that Johnny? Johnny takes his hat off. Oh my God, Rihano, thank God, Johnny wasn't just here. He knows a mama's secret.

Evil twin Johnny puts the hat back on. Oh, Johnny, you're back. Where are... Tonala, I won't tell anyone about your mama's secrets. Please, I don't tell anybody at the conference of chicken cookers with a guy tomorrow. The conference of chicken cookers With a K, why is it spelled with a K? It's a Kardashian thing And the funny acronym that we can't decide

Because this series is hashtag sponsored Hashtag ad Your secret is safe with me Before you speak at the conference of chicken Cookers, cookers spelt with a K Oh Oh K-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-h

Oh Not Remember to eat something from KFC's limited time wicked menu hashtag sponsored hashtag ad oh i will evil twin johnny has that evil look in his eye he knows the new kFC wicked menu makes he reveal deep truths hashtag ad hashtag sponsored hashtag try the wicked burger boneless and sauce and store now it's very good johnny scurries off classic riano forgot his keys and realized he left them with tinella so he returns to the cliff top he sees evil twin johnny running off and tinella looks scared and confused

Tonalla, are you okay? Riano, you're evil twin Johnny knows Mama's secret as well. Well, remember, tomorrow when you're at the conference of chicken cookers cookers spelt with a K, you're speaking to everyone about Mama's chicken. Has your accent gone, Rihano?

It is a back. Thank you for reminding me, Tonenio, Frera. You don't even know my name, we are married. I don't, have you decided to change your last name, Tonella, DeVela? Or I believe you don't know it yet. Is that true?

I'm not sure. I know this is a sure. As long as you can keep it a secret, then you won't ruin your mother's reputation in front of the whole town. Tonella looks terrified, and you can hear the fear in her voice. As much as I want to be on the conference of chicken cookers with a K are not very good at the keep a secret. I am not very good at the lying.

Remember, we are going to take over Mama's Restaurant in the future If you want us to have a prosperous future together If you want to maintain your Mama legacy If Baby Rich Charles wants to keep flying business And attend private schools You must not reveal the truth At the conference of chicken cookers with the K Okay, okay

Now, let us try some new juicy boneless From KFC's Limited Time Wicked Menu Hashtag ad Hats that is sponsored. Tonella and Riano eat some juicy boneless, still not realizing that the new KFC limited time wicked menu makes a reveal deep truths. What?

The wicked boneless is delicious. Also, I'm not actually quite six foot tall. This wicked bono, I took a big bite. This wicked boneless is delicious. Sometimes the mons are fake. What a fake? How tall are you? Next time on Tonella and Nellon.

Rihano will evil twin Johnny give Tonella his wicked source before she goes on stage? Will Tonella reveal the family's deep truths on stage? Will the family legacy be ruined? Will Rich Baby Charles have to go to an Italian public school? They're actually just called public schools here. Find out next time in the finale of Tonella and Riano, season two, thanks to KFC's limited time wicked menu. Try in stores now.

Ooh, chicken's so good I can taste it from Italy. Absolutely delicious. Those Italian herbs and spices. They weren't joking about the wicked having a kick, though. It's yummy. It's good. It's really good. And the boneless is really juicy.

Like, the actual chicken's so juicy. It's so good. Not that it's an ad, but it is an ad. But it's yum. But it is. For my love to see it. Sorry. So I've got chicken mouse.

Yeah, same. Do you think Tonella is going to reveal the secret to the whole town of the conference of chicken cookers spoke with the cave? Excellent liar. Okay. But the truth syrup, the truth wings. Oh. The chicken makes you reveal deep truths.

I mean, I'm not a good liar anyway. She is not a good lie anyway. And with the truth revealing chicken, I don't know that she can handle that. Yeah. I can't believe that Rihanna's not really six foot. That's what's really thrown me. I can't believe some of your moans are fake.

Who said that? My moans. Tonella, maybe. Not mine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the truth, yeah, you never know.

You never know. Sorry, I don't know if it's the combination of hot chicken and cough syrup, but I am high as a kite right now. I'm just feeling really, like, warm in my tummy. Like, you know, because it's a really cold day. And so I'm like, oh, I feel like settled in now. I got a couple you love to see it's here. And I say a couple.

No, because I've got some, two, start the fucking blogs. Oh. First is Kelsey, no, Keely Brown. Hi, Keely. I completed my baby. be an infant sleep consulting certification. Oh, wow. That's amazing.

Which might I add is the only thing in history that I've started and actually finished. Slay. Which in itself, and girl. And we, it coming from us. We really mean this. Yeah. I get it. The only thing I've started and finished is dinner.

Like, it's really fun. House of ZBS. What's that? Is the Instagram? Oh, Slate. She's in Darwin. And I think... Oh, cool.

Charles's gone to Darwin soon. You catch up. It's Zen, something with a bee and sleep. Baby? Yeah, probably. Like the bee might start for baby. Yeah, if you had to guess. Zend baby support.

Great. I mean, of all of the letters that you couldn't figure out, B probably would have been the easiest one, yeah. Yeah, that is on me. That is on me. KFC, what does a C stand for? What do you reckon? Maybe chicken.

I thought that would be a K. Kardashian. And also Nikki Elizabeth. She started the fucking blog. After years of making cakes for my own kids, family and friends, I finally beat the self-doubt and negative chatter. It started my own Instagram and I'm selling cakes. It's cakes of the forgotten realm is her Instagram page and they're really fun.

I'm just looking at the cakes now. That's amazing. Yep. And so she's just started because everyone was like, my God, these are amazing. Just started. Oh my God.

Well, she's been making them for friends and family. Yeah, but that's crazy. So, good on you. I love people when people start the fucking blog. So, sorry, I'm so drunk right now. No, that's okay. Chicken, chicken drunk. I've got a great you love to see it.

That'll bring you back for the end of the episode. So me up. This is from Mel, and this is so fucking funny. Mel says, I'm a primary school teacher and a Kinty student, so age six, came up to my colleague and was like, looking really worried and said, I think another student is about to dobb on me. And was very exaggerated, really expressive voice, really expressive face. And just like, she's lying.

Like, she's going to come over here and say that I said the sh word. But I didn't. I never ever said the sh word. I said, I said, But I would never say the shit word. But I didn't say the sh word. And I didn't say the sh, and g-h doesn't even have a sh in it.

Yeah. What a fucking bitch. Mel said that she fucking lost it. Like all the teachers were like, how do you respond to that? That this little boy just got, I said, I said, not shit.

I would never say that. Mel was like, don't you just love to see it or rather hear it? So do they have to, the teachers have to do that thing where they pretend like, like it's not funny? Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Because you have to be like, well, you know, it's not nice to tattel, but we have to like say the right thing and it's not really inappropriate word, you know. Hey, sweetie, we don't call people g-hs at school. We wait till we get home. No, that's definitely not the advice. Oh, okay, okay.

Thank you very much for hanging out with us today. Tomorrow, normal or nah? And the finale of Tonela Nariano. Will Tonella keep the truth and hold her family secret? Or will she ruin everything for everyone? No, poor Mama Lavella. Find out tomorrow. I'm going to eat some more chicken.

Yeah, me too. Love me, bye!