Toni and Ryan - Unfiltered Advice

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

Advice ya never asked for - and a story from Ryan you CERTAINLY never asked for. Love ya! Toni xo [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. We're about to call the homeland. The homeland? New Zealand! Perth. Perth. And it is Charlotte and I think, who's the prince in Shrek? Prince Charming? No, the shit one. Lord Farquaad? I think it's a descendant. Look at her name here and tell me she's not a farquaad farquaad let's ask her close

i mean when that movie came out you just go there's the rest of my oh yeah i can't get a bob ever again you know he's got that little hair. Ask Charlotte if she's got a bob. Hello? Charlotte! Hi! How are you going? I'm good. How are you?

We're well. Ryan actually would like to lightly bully you if you're interested in that. Oh, okay. Did you get teased about a certain character in Shrek because of your last name? I did. And so we then were discussing that you probably couldn't ever have a brown Bob ever again. No, oh, my God, and I did when I was younger,

so I'm very glad that Shrek came out after the fact. Oh, I'm glad for you as well, Charlotte. That could have been fucking disastrous. You would have never lost your opportunity. No way. Well, that is very much gone. That's okay. Whoa! Charlotte, brag about it. Yeah, right, I tell her about it. Right, I think Well, that is very much gone. That's okay. Charlotte, brag about it.

Yeah, right. I tell her about it. I think you've got his. Boy, is my face red. Well, Charlotte Farquhar, will you approve this podcast? Absolutely. Get that bob on, girlfriend. She's not just bobbing for apples.

She doesn't have that virginity anymore, that's for sure. Oh, my God. Hi, it's Charlotte from Perth, and I approve this podcast. As well as listening to this episode, you can also watch it on the Spotify app. It is a video show and you can put it on your smart TV. Before anyone says anything, yes, Tony and I are couple dressing. Oh, you've got some stripes, though. I've got stripes on.

I think as well, like, a denim jacket. For everyone? Is it? Yeah. Yeah, it's communal. It's fine. I mean, it is a coincidence. Don't start me on coincidences. Isn't it? Did everyone enjoy the coincidence chat on Wednesday?

I hope so. Because I was crying for days. I loved it. I feel like my voice has only just recovered from laughing so hard. Parents, I have a question for you. Actually, I have a question for both parents and non-parents. Oh. Parents, with all your knowledge and hindsight,

what do you wish you could tell yourself two months before the birth of your first child? Because I reckon after parenting and raising a few kids, you'd think back to your younger self and go, oh, you're in for a wild ride. Here's something to keep in mind. Do you think that that's the case with everything? Like you kind of think, oh, if I had my time again,

and I went back, I probably wouldn't have done that thing. Or next time I do that, I'll make sure I prepare, you know. I think it's even things like, I don't know, you go to the beach and you go, next time I'll make sure that I take that little thing so that it makes it a bit easier, whatever. So for people who aren't parents, which is us and Tony, I want you to- Us and Tony.

Us and Tony. who aren't parents, which is us and Tony. Us and Tony. Us and Tony. Have a think about if you were two months out from having a child. Hang on. How much would you be shitting yourself? Yeah, I'd be nervous.

Sorry, I was just imagining having a baby in my tummy. What would you be thinking? Anything and everything? Why the fuck am I doing this is probably what I would be thinking. I'd be like – You'd be freaking the fuck out? I was pretty fucking convinced that I wasn't going to have a child. I'd be – I think it's just the looming – like the time ticking down would be really freaking me out.

I'd be really nervous about the birth. Yeah. I think that's pretty normal. Yeah, I think. From the birth giver's point of view. Yeah. Obviously a bit different from my side being like, yeah, that's going to suck, bro. But like, well, what are you thinking?

As a dad, because there's probably people that are listening that go, oh, well, you know, I have kids and I was the dad or the non-birther. What does that feel like? For me, it's just thinking about what Bridget needs. Yep. And also, and probably more important, what doesn't Bridget need right now? Sure. So there are a few things and I go, oh, yeah, you could help with that

or you could do that. But is that what you need to be doing when you're 33 weeks pregnant? You know what I mean? And I go, you know what? Let me take you off your hands. You know what? We can hire someone for that. You know what?

That can wait. Yeah. Yeah, that's not pressing. Yeah. How do we just minimise? Like, I just want you chilling out and staying calm and relaxed. And also enjoying it. Yeah.

Like, enjoy being pregnant and enjoy the last, you know, little bit of time while it's just the three of you, you, BJ and Bridget. Yep. Now, speaking of what you don't need. Yeah. Mothers. Oh, well, lucky for me. No, I mean like the start of a new sentence.

Oh, sorry. No, you definitely need mothers. Grandma is important. Oh, well, then I'm fucked. Mothers. Mothers. mothers mothers stop freaking out

pregnant women by telling them your traumatic as fuck birth story they're already freaking out already

Bridget's got two months to go she's freaking and everyone she met like oh good luck with the birth mine was fucked I bled through my asshole and died

for 27 hours and had to be revived and she's like there's and had to be revived. And she's like, there's one thing to be aware of the scenarios and knowing what could happen, but there's also a line where it's like, don't fucking tell me this. People also just have no tact when they do. No filter. Yeah.

It's almost as if like, because if you are having a child for the first time, right, which is the situation that Bridget finds herself in, and she talks to someone, they go, oh, my God, how far out are you? And then she goes, oh, I'm like two months away or whatever, and they go, oh, you know what I wish I'd done? That's totally different. But when someone goes, oh, God, well, it was so awful for me, that is not helpful.

Like I think there's a way of kind of phrasing it, but it's just that people go, oh, my God, well, here's what I did. No filter. And then you go, oh. Could you give me advice instead of like a horror story? Scaring the shit out of me. So Bridget. It's like the coincidence thing.

People love talking about themselves. Bridget got asked by someone, oh, how are you going? Yeah. She goes, oh, just kind of being polite. Yeah. So far so good. And this other person goes, oh, just wait. You know, like who's that helping?

That's really all. And it's, have you also copped a lot of like, oh, enjoy your sleep while you can? You know, I feel like that helping? That's really all. And have you also copped a lot of like, enjoy your sleep while you can? You know, I feel like that's like a classic before. Yeah. So deal who is in the building. You can be tired without having a baby. Yeah, I'm tired now. You know.

Get your sleep while you can. I'm not. I'm actually quite busy. Everyone's tired. I'm trying to cram in as much shit I can before the baby comes. I've never worked harder. Get your sleep while you can. Well, no.

That's already not happening, dude. So the other day, Bridget is getting a wax. Yep. And, you know, small talk with the, what do they call it, beautician? And it's always awful. Waxologist. I like that. Is it a beautician?

We're calling it a waxologist. A waxologist. I feel like the small talk, unless you've been going to someone for a long time, the chat is always awkward. And you know what's worse is when you've gone to someone maybe two or three times and they go, what was it you did for work? Like they're trying, but you know that I don't remember. Or they go, oh, what was your partner's name?

And stuff like that. And you just go, I know you couldn't give a fuck. And that's actually fine. And you see 100 people a day. I don't expect you to remember. Yeah. So Bridget is kind of doing this dance. And because she's 33 weeks.

She has a belly. She's clearly pregnant. Yes. And so obviously, how's it all going? How are you? Is the room ready? Yeah. What hospital are you going to?

Just those classic, easy kind of questions, yeah. So, and it was, yeah. So she's on the table getting a wax, you know, so it's already like, yeah, how are you feeling? Oh, yeah, I'm just so calm. You kind of try to breathe through the pain and, yeah. So the lady goes, which hospital? Bridget goes, Mercy.

She goes, oh, me too. Let me tell you what happened with me. And tells the most horrific story ever. And Bridget can't leave. She can't look away. You can't just go, oh, couldn't you mind? Just whatever. And then she's like, yeah, so I was really bad.

And fucked my back. Oh, I had to get 34 stitches to, you know, reconnect, buddy. All my bits. It was all fucked. And then looks down at where she's waxing and goes, yep, it's not going to look like that. Not anymore, sweetheart. Please don't point at my vagina.

I'm feeling very vulnerable. Enjoy that while I can. See, the filter, gone. Gone. I don't want to know that your vagina and arsehole was the same thing for a few hours then. Yeah. That's not important to me right now.

And I'm hoping it's not going to happen to me. It's actually just not my business. Feel free to not tell me. It is so far away from my business. Yeah. Fuck. Even though you're in my business at the moment. Your hands are on my business.

But. We have separate businesses. I just, oh, I think, yeah, people just love talking about themselves. So you're up there on the stirrups? Or how do you guys work when you get in the wax? You normally just, your knee, like they say put your heels to your bum is what they say. So your knees are like in the air.

Oh, so you're like in the fetal position. Yeah, but on your back, not on your side. Yeah, that's normally what they do. That's really. Yeah, because it has to be open. And then normally like they kind of go, oh, and can you like pop your hands like just above your vagina to like, you know. Yep.

So that you're kind of sitting in like a relaxed way, but they're like. When you say relaxed way, I'm sure that's the most awkward sort of. Oh, it is so awkward. Yep. It's really awkward. Yep. And so this girl is, oh, let me tell you what I think about this. About, because I'm looking at your vagina, not your face.

Yeah. Like that's what I'm like. Oh, yeah, that's not too. Wow. Good luck with that. I mean, mine used to be nice too. You know, like, yeah. Yeah.

Ooh. It's the filter and just not thinking about what you're saying. Do they think they're like helping? And I think it's probably a bit of camaraderie. I think it's like we have been or been in or you will be in the same situation I was. Let me like, because I guess it's like the realness of like, The sisters are in this together.

Yeah, like I think there is a bit of coincidence almost of like, oh, my God, well, I've had a baby. Let me tell you. But instead of it being like, oh, make God, well, I've had a baby. Let me tell you. But instead of it being like, oh, make sure you've got a long phone charger. I read that a lot. Make sure Bridget's got a long phone charger. Will do. Because you can't, like, lean over the bed.

Yep. I've read that in a lot of mummy blogs, I guess. We're thinking of leaving the phones at home. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I mean, I guess you would need it though maybe the next step because if you don't you have like tracking apps and stuff as in like tracking like how you're feeling no like tracking my baby how you're feeling and stuff is that a thing i don't i don't know

i i don't know i get um served a lot of um money checklists and stuff she's almost 30 better hit her up with the ivf ads yeah pretty much much. But I think it's a bit of camaraderie. Okay. So this is, you're saying like, oh, you know, maybe tell me the good thing. Well, just keep it light and bright. Yeah. Just say good luck.

I don't actually know you. You're just waxing me for 10 minutes. Yeah. Feel free to not. I can ask my friends, but like if I don't ask, don't just. You're a stranger. Donate, freely give advice about my vagina. Yeah, like unsolicited advice.

That's what I was trying to say. Donate. So this is kind of the opposite situation. But when, so my mum passed away like almost 10 years ago now and she was really sick and she had a brain tumour. Yeah. And she was really unwell for about 11 months. And we were going in and out of the hospital a lot.

So lots of people, when they do chemotherapy, you can kind of go in and be a day patient. So you kind of go in in the morning, do your chemo, and then you go home. But the chemo that she was doing was really intense and just – The thought of going in each day, like when you've got 0% energy. Well, because I think it kind of varies from person to person, depends on what drugs of chemo you're having and whatever.

And, yeah, I guess just affects everyone differently. But for mum, she actually had to be an inpatient. She couldn't do it daily. So she would kind of, the routine was that she would go in, she would do chemo for two days and then you couldn't visit her for two or three days because she would just be knocked out, throwing up, like couldn't eat, and her immunity would be at its lowest. So you couldn't go in and bring germs in.

And then she'd kind of come back around maybe a day later and then you could kind of go back and visit her and she was allowed to have her curtains open and stuff. So it was kind of she'd come back to and then when they signed her off, you'd get to take her home and then she'd have two days at home and then you'd take her back to the hospital. Yeah, so it was like non-stop. It was very, very intense and just awful.

But because we were going in and out so much, in the oncology ward at the Hollywood Hospital, we got to know all of the nurses pretty much. Of course. And, like, when my mum was, you know, quite, like, her last visit in hospital, I'll say, they, like, painted her nails. That's nice. And, like, went in there and, like, massaged her hands

and talked to her and stuff. Tried to make the last few moments. Just as comfortable as possible. Yeah, that is nice. And so we knew them all by name and we'd go in and we'd take them food and whatever. And this one day, this was probably maybe two months before my mum died, so she wasn't like in a coma or anything.

She was still kind of with her and she was still chatting, but she was just a bit like kooky. Yeah. And we had this nurse come in who like we'd never met before yeah and my mom she's very like as horrible as this sounds like very clearly like near the end yeah and we're all in there and whatever and this nurse comes in oh my god what's about to happen? What the fuck? This nurse comes in and she goes, oh, all your family's here. Isn't that lovely? And mum goes, yeah, this is my daughter, Tony, and whatever.

And I think one of my sisters might have been there. And this woman goes, oh, what is it that you're sick with? And like what kind of cancer do you have? And my mum goes, or one of us said, like, she has CNS lymphoma. She has a brain tumour. And she goes, I wouldn't worry because I had a brain tumour a few years ago and I'm fine. And my mum is, like, quite clearly about to die.

And, like, she's not well. Don't worry about it. Well, where are we right now? Yeah. And she is, like, she's looking poor. Like, she's very pale, very weak. We're all sitting around her, like, enjoying our last moments. Oh, my fucking God.

And this nurse goes, I actually made it through a brain surgery. And good on you. Hey. That's amazing. I wish actually made it through a brain tumor. And good on you. Hey. That's amazing. I wish that my mum was telling that story. Maybe not in such an abrupt way. Have you considered not working here in the hospital and being a waxer where Bridget lives?

Because maybe that's the attitude she wants. Or maybe like a motivational speaker. Yeah. Or maybe just shut the fuck up. Just the fact that she's like, you know what, I actually, I lived through a brain tumour. I think you'll be fine. And I was like, yeah, I think we're past that.

Like we were past the point of like being like maybe it's, we were kind of like, we know. If there was a skerrick of hope, we would take that skerrick. But the skerrick. You actually are probably three months too late for this like rousing speech. Fucking hell. And so did anyone respond? So we were all, and I was just like, and I think everyone was just speaking.

And my mum, again, was kind of in and out. Did she hear that? I actually don't even know. Oh, I was actually planning on dying tomorrow. But now that you've said that. You know what? That's the perk I needed. I'm okay.

I'm back, baby. It's dissolved out. It's gone. And I think I was just like trying to be – and I was like that's a – Was she trying to sell a weekend retreat? No, she's like I've got this magic bean. I have this potion. It's only $1,000 a bottle.

And I think that I was kind of like that's amazing. Like thank you so much. Like I'm actually trying to enjoy the last moments with my mother kind of thing. And she goes, honestly? Like and now I'm a nurse. Look at me. It changed my life. Changed my outlook. And, you know, now I'm a nurse. Look at me. It changed my life, changed my outlook.

And, you know, now I live every day as if it's my last. And I was like, this actually might be my fucking mum's last, so if you could fuck off. I am living today as if it's my last because I've got about 47 minutes left before I'm fucking out of here. So actually you think it might be today. Fuck, look at the time. I've got to get going.

I've got to go at the parking. The traffic on the way up there. I don't want to get caught in that shit. I don't want to get left at the pub. Oh, my God. What a stupid bitch. Hey, it's Charlotte from Perth, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

And all tapas of all levels. You might see your names scrolling across the bottom. Yep. It does take a while to get through them. So if you're watching, great. Crystal Bauder-Halmachick, thank you so much. Erin Brady, Megan S., Candice Graham, Jessica Mayer, and Amy Nizam. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. Absolutely love to see it. What about a few weeks ago now we heard some, like, travelling horror stories and travelling hookups and stuff. So many said I just had to share. And I think this is the fun thing about when people like catching up on the pod. You know, sometimes we can dip back in. Yeah.

And I'm pretty sure the story we heard about the young girl whose ponytail got cut off. Yes. She was traveling in Hawaii, I think, or something. And, yeah, hooked up with a beautiful, you know, holiday fling and woke up in the morning to no ponytail anymore. That was a bit interesting. Well, I think, wasn't he jerking off? No, that was a different one.

That was in Italy. Right-o. Oh, mate, you've got to listen to this podcast. It's very good. That's what I've heard. Schmenny. Hi, Schmenni. I'm travelling through the south of France

and a guy messages me on a dating app asking for a hookup. Is what it is. That's pretty standard. I've never... I miss the dating apps. Yeah. I never did it, so I don't really understand it. It kind of terrifies me, but I respect it.

Especially when you're travelling. There's none of this like dating, courting. You're like, I'm flying out on Tuesday. Yeah, I'm literally here for the night. Is it on or is it not? Yeah. So it kind of terrifies me. The idea of going to someone's house that I don't know makes me quite scared.

And this is not like a shame thing. I just would be really scared about that, let alone in another country where you maybe don't have like, you know, emergency contact that's around the corner. Do you want to hear this story? I don't think so. I don't think you do either. Do you want me to duck out and you can just share it with the tapas?

I'd prefer that you stay. Okay, because otherwise it will just be the Anne Ryan podcast. This is not going to help your fear of banging strangers in foreign countries. But to be honest, it's not really on your radar anyway. True, yeah, because I'm staying in Australia for the time being. Yeah, and have a partner. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've got no game, so it wouldn't be a problem anyway. No riz. Okay. A guy messaged me and asked me to hook up. He says, could I go to his apartment? So later that day, I shaved my booty. Sorry, what country are we in? France. South of France.

I shaved my booty and made myself look nice and walked over to his place and then I texted him and said, oh, I'm out the front of the apartment building. Oh, yeah. He messaged me and says, yep, come up to whatever number it was. So I go up the stairs and just as I'm about to knock on the door, he

opens it straight away as if he'd been watching me the whole time. In the peephole? And so he's like, already, foreign country, hook up. See, no, red flag, red flag, red flag. Did the person at least look like their photo? You know how that's supposed to be a red flag as well, that it's like, oh, okay, sorry, I'm just going to let you go.

I'm going to stop asking questions. No, that's a great question because Schmanny answers your question and says he opens the door and he does not at all look anything like his profile picture. So it's not even as scary of like, oh, it's an old one. I've put on a bit of weight since then or lost a bit of weight since then because people are getting catfished by my LinkedIn photo, let me tell you. Really?

It's quite a good photo of me. It's a good pic of you. Yeah, and it's about 10 years old. Do you want to update that, mate? No. Okay. I'm hanging on. I'm hanging on to that jawline, I'll be honest.

Tony, is that you? Yeah. Yeah, it was. At some point in my life, yes, it was. Actually, that picture on Tony's LinkedIn. It's a hot photo. Producer Cam is looking at it right now. It's a hot photo. Yeah. Let's pop it up. Can's a it's a hot photo yeah let's pop it up can we put it on the screen yeah oh we can do that so oh as

in yeah yeah yeah we'll get franken to do that he opens the door and he does not look like his profile picture at all uh which is another red flag but since i'm already here and I already walked all this way and I already waxed my arse off. No. No. No, no, no. I go in. And his apartment is essentially a 10 foot by 10 foot room with a bathroom in the corner. So it's just like a, what do they call it? Studio.

It's just a room. It's just a room. It's just a room. I go in and he leads me to the bed, which is a single bed mattress with nothing on it. No sheets, no blankets, no pillows, just a totally bare mattress with a plastic covering on it. And it's weird as fuck and there's just an awkward feeling in the air. Go home.

Not just to your hotel. Fly back to where? Wherever you're from. Back to Montana. I mean, I don't know where she meant he's from. Hannah Montana. I'm actually beside my, I don't think I can listen to the end. Okay, yep.

He doesn't speak great English. I don't speak I can listen to the end. Okay, yep. He doesn't speak great English. I don't speak great French. Yep. Which is actually sometimes a concoction for a good hookup because you just, well, we can't sit here and chat for hours. Let's just fucking speak the international language of dirt. I was going to say, speak with our bodies. That's a better way of saying what I said.

Yeah. Let our bodies do the talking. We're trying to talk for like 20 minutes and he gets this text and he's like, oh. Zoo to law. I've got to go to work. Like he gets this text, he's like, oh, I've been called into work or whatever.

Well, thank fucking God. Here's the out you needed. I'm so happy because I wanted to get the fuck out of there, says the Tarpishmeni. Yes. So I get up to leave and he kind of hugs me from behind. We're both dressed and just sort of starts like humping my back. Please don't.

Por favor. So Schmenni is shook and he just freezes. Because what are you doing? Oh, yeah. He's like in disbelief. I can't believe this has happened to me. And that's a snake attack as well. So he's just like, oh.

And the guy's just like, like just dry humping from behind. Just sort of, you know, just rubbing himself on it. And Schmenni's just like. Oh, I actually want to throw up. That's awful. Yeah. So Schmenni is kind of like frozen in fear. Like doesn't know what to do.

After 30 seconds, which. 30 seconds. When being dry humped by a freaky French man is a fucking lifetime. Three seconds is probably a bit too much. He starts asking me to do stuff, which I'm in no mood for at this point. Doesn't he have to go to work? He lays down on his bed and asks... And as he lays down, the plastic cover crinkles like when you sit on the couch at your grandma's house.

Yeah. He lays down on his back, takes his pants off and says, can you jerk me off before you leave? Didn't even say please. Yeah, maybe I just added a bit of editorial there. And so, oh, fucking Schmenni. Schmenni, no, Schmenni, you didn't jerk say please. Yeah, maybe I just added a bit of editorial there. And so, oh, fucking Schmenni. Schmenni? No, Schmenni, you didn't jerk him off.

I'm like, sure, fine, whatever. Whatever gets me out of here sooner. What gets you out of there sooner is just walking out the door. Beeline for the door. And the room is one room. It's not as if you've got a rabbit warren. The toilet, the kitchen, and the bedroom are all the same thing, and the front door is attached.

I start jerking him off, but it's obviously dry. Do you think also that maybe Schmanny was like, if I just do this, he'll let me go? I think that's what he's saying. He's like, I'm going to jerk this bloke off. He fucking rocks off. I'll walk out the door. He's not going to fucking follow me home or something.

Yep. So I ask him if he's got any lube. Apparently lube in English doesn't translate to anything in home or something. Yep. So I ask him if he's got any lube. Apparently lube in English doesn't like translate to anything in French or whatever. And I didn't know the word for lube in French. He's like, have you been to the lube? Yeah, yeah, cool. But anyway, back to.

Yeah, back to. I don't want to talk about the Mona Lisa. I want to be Mona Lisa. Okay. Good gear from me, can I just say. Very good. We needed a bit of light in this dark time. Yes, yes.

So I just start screaming lubricant, but in a French accent. Lubricant. Lubricant. That went a bit the other way. Yes, anyway. He pushes me off him and grabs a big bottle of the cheapest, nastiest shower gel. I'm imagining Lynx.

I'm imagining Axe. No, you know what I'm imagining? What? The palm olive one, the blue one in that squeezy bottle. Yeah. And squeezes what feels like three litres of shower gel into my hand. And I'm like whatever again whatever gets this vlog off so i can fucking leave oh it would be sudsing up yeah so i start jerking him off with the gross sticky

shower gel and it starts like bubbling because you know when you're like the like yeah yeah the friction of the it's phone party 2.0 going on. It's all happening. Then he pissed on him. Yeah. Then- Then when he pissed on you, I'll find out. Yeah, sorry. My brain is so in this small apartment that I'm just-

Oh, sorry, yeah. Yep. Then he yells, I'm very close, pushes Schmenni off, runs to the bathroom, and he's like, oh, is he going to finish into the toilet or into the shower or something? But he just stands in the bathroom door, looks back out of him, and in capital letters Schmenni's written,

with unbroken eye contact, just jerks himself onto the floor while staring at Schm Svenny the whole time. Why? That is so sexually aggressive. Don't please do that to me. Take your shower gel and fuck off. You're about to be a dad. I remember that this is a video show.

Yep. The thing is. The eye contact's the weirdest part of this whole fucking story. And there's a lot to choose from. And it's a bit like, you know, when you see something and it's like fucked, but you can't look away and you're kind of like, what's also happening? Yeah, okay.

Wow, Schminney. At least you didn't get sex trafficked or something. Is this the end of the story or is there more? We survived to tell the tale, no. And so he said as soon as the semen hit the floor. I'm so sorry for that sound, everyone. What? No, semen doesn't make that sound when it hits the floor. Well, the French guy sounds dehydrated.

I'm a lady. Okay. It doesn't hit the floor. Is that right? I should call the floor the back of my throat. Sorry. That would be floor. I think this week has been the fucking... I'm done.

As soon as... Simeon hit the floor. I unbroke the eye contact and then just looked straight at the door, walked out, left, deleted the message, deleted the app, never looked back, never know what happened. Flew home to Montana. Yeah.

And now he's, yeah, herding sheep in Big Sky Country. Oh, my God. That is harrowing. Thank you. Yeah. God, the soapy cock. Just really, that's graphic, isn't it? Like, that's a real word picture. The soapy cock. Just really, that's graphic, isn't it? Like, that's a real word picture.

The soapy. Quack. Oh, that's not the right time. Absolutely. The soapy quack. Quack. Quack. Oh, I need to have a shower after hearing that.

That is just, that's not good. I've got to love to see it. You've got to fucking love. What have you got? Get us out of this filthy hole. I saw this online. Oh, God. Don't let that hit the pelvic floor.

Do you remember when I had COVID and I did that hazy fever dream shop at Woolworths and Torbs was like, how much was the shopping? And I was like, it was $250. And I just bought heaps of random stuff. Sort of, yeah. Do you remember that? And the best thing that I bought was I bought a whole cake.

Yes. Remember I bought that Freddo ice cream cake just to, like, try and make myself feel better? So this has gone a bit viral online because in our Facebook group, everybody shared that when they had COVID, they bought a cake too to try and make themselves feel better. Oh, that's right, yeah. I made like a little bit of a COVID tradition, exactly.

Such a coincidence. This has gone a bit crazy on, I was about to say TikTok, Twitter. Megan Bilby posted this. I sent my kids to the store to get some snacks for themselves. Great. My daughter got a birthday cake for a snack, and there's just a picture of just an entire birthday cake that obviously bloody Hannah's come home

and everyone else got a packet of twisties or something. She's gone, oh, they had that. They were bloody. Serving cake. Yeah, they were marked down because, you know, almost the end of the day, they can't sell it tomorrow. Oh, we'll get a whole cake. You know what?

I'd love to see that. Was she cake-shamed like I was that time I went to the cake shop? I hope not. And I don't, I mean, Megan posted on Twitter. So kind of. She has been cake-shamed by her mum, actually. That's awful. Let the kid eat cake.

Let them eat cake. Yeah. But I'd love to see that. You can buy a cake for yourself when you're an adult and you don't need a reason. Perfection. That's my love to see it. You can buy a cake for yourself when you're an adult and you don't need a reason. That's why you love to see it. Before Tony and I started this business and this podcast. It used to not

be a business. It definitely wasn't a business. But there was a time when I was sort of your boss, sort of. I helped you get a job and stuff. And I remember in the morning texting you and said, oh, can we catch up? I've got a quick something to chat to you about. Can I chat at three? So I was doing some radio stuff in the morning. And I remember in the morning texting you and said, oh, can we catch up? I've got a quick something to chat to you about. Can I chat at three?

Yeah. So I was doing some radio stuff in the morning. And I just shat all day. Like literally just poo coming out of my asshole the whole day. What's happening at three? What have I stuffed up? Have I done it wrong? I'd literally been there for like a, we'd been working together for like a day.

And I was like, how have I done something this bad already? Like, what have I done that requires a talking to? And I think the chat was, so how was your first day? Everything all good? So the thing is, is that that is a power play from you because you, like the person doing that. But I didn't know you then though. No, no, no, but it's not even.

I wouldn't do that to you now. No, but I don't even think you need to know someone. I think that being like, oh, like let's chat at three. I think you know that obviously that person goes, oh, there's a power dynamic here. Well, I think because I was on the radio in the morning, like I physically couldn't chat earlier. For me that was just like, oh, catch up at the start of the day,

like see you in the morning. It was my equivalent to see you tomorrow morning. But I was like, oh, I'm working. Chat to you at three? Yeah. But I thought that it was like we need to chat at three. Yeah. So because I didn't know

tony and because of yeah this weird dynamic yeah i sort of heard boss but working but also not yeah um is that the you'll have to say it because that's twisted this person has tweeted uh kevin just kevin hi kevin just got a calendar invite from my boss that says, quick chat, good thing. I love that. I have seen this and I praise that person. I'd love to get a job at that place if they're hiring. Sorry. Or you could just start doing that.

I've never been more grateful and impressed with anyone in my life. A revolutionary workplace. I think that it just shows that you are aware that that is a freaky like thing to get in your calendar. Yeah. So if I want to have a chat with Tony, not the chat, but it's always like, oh, let's think of some ideas for this thing. So I just give a bit of extra.

Yeah. But also then I'm prepared because I go, oh, cool, I'll come with that stuff that we need. It seems obvious, right? Yeah. But also if I needed to call you prepared because I go, oh, cool, I'll come with that stuff that we need. It seems obvious, right? Yeah. But also, if I needed to call you later, or sometimes if I call you and you don't answer, I'll message, and I do do this, I text and say, no emergency, call when you can. Yeah.

Like, it's just to be like, oh, don't say that and go, fuck, I've got to get back to you straight away. Because if you had a missed call from someone... I'd be like, oh, fuck. I would probably prioritize that. Because a call now is like a high priority. What's gone wrong? Yeah. What's happened?

What have I stuffed up? Yeah. Or even just like, yeah, what's wrong? Whenever my brother calls me, I'm always like, fuck, what's happened? Just because we talk on text all day, every day. So when I see a missed call, I'm like, oh, my God, what's happened? That's when my dad calls. I'm like, oh, my God, my Nana's died.

Oh. Every time he called for five years, I was like, oh, she's dying. Is she alive now? No. So one time it was true. One time it was that call. Oh. And then strangely he called me the next day and I was like, oh, my God, she's already

died. Oh, it already happened. And then I was like, thank God, because I can get grilled. Ryan's got to go to a funeral. I can get grilled. It's all good. Should we get grilled? Yeah, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. Should we get grilled? Yeah, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big day. Thank you everybody for listening. Hopefully that you liked today's episode. It was a heavy one. But we're back on Monday. And you love to see that. I personally love to see that.

What? Just staring into the camera giving unbroken eye contact. Don't do that. Alright, that's very freaky. Thank you so much for listening. Chat to you on Monday. Don't do that. All right. That's very freaky. Thank you so much for listening. Chat to you on Monday. Love you, bye. Splat.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We're taking your microphone away. Please.