Toni and Ryan - Victims of Medical Comedy

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Embarrassing sexy time injuries, and our recap of Twilight, including a VERY embarrassing story from my teenage years. Love you! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Monica. Is this the one and only? Yeah, it is. It's Tony. Yeah, it's Ryan. No, she didn't mean you. She did not mean you.

Oh, I see. Fine, fine. If you just want to approve Tony's podcast, that would be great. I feel like I've heard this before. Like a few times Tony gets on and everyone goes, Tony, fantastic. And then Ryan is a little bit disappointed. So I definitely will approve Tony and Ryan's podcast. Oh, thank you.

Monica, don't fucking suck up. I was fishing for that and I got it. Hi, this is Monica from Minneapolis and I approve this podcast. Welcome. Happy Thursday. Welcome. Happy Thursday. I'm just a little bit flapped.

Yeah. Because up until now, I've been a person that hasn't seen Twilight. And welcome to the rest of your life. And now this is who I am now. I can't believe you've never seen it because your wife, Bridget, really likes it. She froths it. And when I said, oh, we have to watch Twilight, she was rubbing her hands together. Yeah, well, I told Torbs that we, he was like, oh, what's the movie for this week? And I was like, oh, it's Twilight.

He was like, great. And I was like, I already watched it. I watched it while I was working before. Like I was doing my prep for the show and watched it like at the same time and he was like, oh, no. Oh, that sucks. I missed it. That really sucks.

Sorry. Later on, though, we'll get stuck into why we had to watch Twilight and I know we've been very welcome to the Patreons. You know, we're helping, hoping people join the Patreons so we can do more episodes. Fuck you guys. I just, you can't keep turning on the Patreons. Wow. Don't tell me what to do.

Don't make me turn on you. Mate, because the other day we asked for their help and, and you're, you turned on them that very episode last Friday. Yeah that very episode. Last Friday. Yeah, I know. I apologise. I sent a message to Smosh Smudges and I apologise. And I got messages of people being like, oh, I'm just trying to support you guys and then Ryan says he's off me.

What do you want from me? Poor Mason. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yep. He said that he didn't like that you were in Wicked in Canberra and then you fucking went on this massive tirade and he messaged me and was like, Tony, like, I think I need therapy now.

I need help. He's been cyber bullied. Audio bullied by you through a podcast. Well, when you find out why I had to watch Twilight, I reckon most people will agree that the patrons are assholes. First, though, on a beautiful Thursday episode, aren't we all just geared up, ready to go? Yes, always.

Sexy time injuries. Oh, this turns my tummy. I just, oh. I thought you were about to say this turns me on. Oh, my God, no way. I hate being in pain. And the last time that you want to be in pain for me, not to kink shame, the last time that I want to be in pain is while I'm trying to, like,

be relaxed and have fun and, like, hang out with my boyfriend. And I just, like. It's a very PG way of explaining it, and I appreciate that. My mum listens to this podcast. Hi, Mandy. Yeah, you wouldn't know what that's like. Mine doesn't. Yes, I don't have to worry.

And actually, having said that, if mum's listening, just skip forward. My mum? No, she can't. She's dead. No, my mum. Oh, your mum. Because, I don't know. I forget that people have mums.

What is this concept? That is so 2013. The year she died. Pretty funny. Yeah, that got phased out when fucker cheers and brie and cranberry sauce and turkey for lunch. It got phased out. All right, Michaela Beveridge.

Hi, Michaela. She says, while I was giving a guy a head, I threw up in my mouth. Not once, not twice, but three times. I felt really awkward and didn't know what to do, so I just kept going because I didn't know, because he didn't like say anything and I didn't say anything. So we both kind of just pretended that it hadn't happened. Did she like a full throw up though?

Or just like. It says like proper. So she had three lots of vomit in her mouth and a penis. That is disgusting. I don't know if the vomit stayed in the mouth or just ended up, you know, around the area. Oh, yum. Yeah.

And she's like, I was too embarrassed to like, you know, if someone like does a small little fart and you're like, oh. I won't say anything. I won't say anything. And they're like, oh, it doesn't seem like they heard. So we'll just push on it. It's like it all. It just, it is what it is.

But it's way worse if you say like, oh, sorry, I did a little fart. Like, who cares? Yeah, who cares? Just move on. I'm pumping your body. Like, it's really fine. Yeah, it's fine. So I think they were both in that like, hey,

let's like not make a big deal out of this. But I think by the third time. And surely you'd just be like, hey, can you give me one sec? Like if that was me, I'd just be like, oh, sorry, can you just give me a minute? Yeah, or just go, you've just spewed on my dick. Yeah, and wouldn't you, if that was happening, wouldn't you just be like, oh, we can stop.

You don't miss someone throwing up. Well, you don't miss it three times. Especially like, because you know when you throw up, your body kind of like convulses? Yeah. Like is the guy the biggest idiot in throw up your body kind of like convulses? Yeah. Like what is the guy the biggest idiot in the world and thought he was having a great time? Whoa.

Yeah. Oh, Michaela. Yeah, baby, me too. Like what did he think was happening? He never mentioned a word of it to me, but he also never spoke to me again. Oh. I think about it every day, says Michaela Beveridge. I would too.

And says, and because she put this in the Facebook group, I just needed to tell someone. Oh, well, I'm glad that. Are you glad? Do we have to be that? Hey, Michaela, hey. No, you're welcome. Put your faith in me, mate.

That's all right. If you need to tell someone, you just let me know because this is a judgment-free space. It is. If I won't judge Tony on the turtleneck she's wearing, I'm not going to judge you for that. You said you liked this turtleneck. You and Michaela, judge-free zone.

You said it's possible to look good and look like a fuckhead at the same time. Context. You said, do I look like a fuckwit or do I look good? And I said both. Yeah, por que no las dos? Lucy Callow. Hi, Lucy. I got a blood nose whilst riding my boyfriend.

Oh. It was dark. You know, it was at night. The lights were off. Oh, no. She didn't know she had a blood nose. He didn't have a blood nose. Sorry, he didn blood nose. He didn't have a blood nose. Sorry, he didn't know.

She didn't have a blood nose. He didn't know she had a blood nose. But it started dripping from her face onto him because she was on top. Yeah. And then he, thinking that she's, like, loving it sick, goes, hey, babe, are you are you like drooling? Are you drooling? Well, because he's just found a few drops.

Boys are so stupid. She's loving this. She's drooling. Oh, yeah, this bitch is drooling for me. Like, what the fuck? And she's like, what? And then kind of like touches her face because she's like, am I drooling from my mouth?

And as she touches her mouth, she's realised that the nose. And there just would have been blood everywhere. Yeah. That poor thing. Yeah. It's more just having to wash your sheets and stuff and like there just literally being blood everywhere. It would have looked like a fucking...

Crime scene. Yes. Dexter has been through here. Oh, well, he is notoriously very clean. That's the whole thing about Dexter. Dexter was here and we'll be hiring him to finish off the cleaning job. Oh, that's awful. Now, this lady's name is Rianne, which is also my name in Malaysia.

Oh, hi, Rianne. Or should I have said her name for this? Actually, this. Shmeanne. Rianne is one of the comedic geniuses of our lifetime. And I don't want to pump it up and, like, set a high bar, but this is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Mate, you can't start a story saying that.

It fucks it every time. I know. I'm sorry, Ariane, because this is fucking golden. I've already ruined it for you. Okay. I strained my hip, in adverted commas, and needed to go see a physio. You can, you know, given the topic, make your own assessments about... How it might have happened.

Yeah, and, like, the hip flexor, like right in there. What's up? It's like, how do you explain that area? Like just next to your. Your groin? Yeah, it's sort of like the high groin where it meets it. So it's like a real tricky one when it gets sore. Sorry, I didn't know what a birdie was the other day.

Oh, fuck, yeah. And I don't know sport things, you know that. I had to go to the osteo for sleeping on my couch, okay? Like, I think you understand the audience here. A body part isn't a sport thing. It's on your body. Sounds like a sport, mate. Do you use your body for sport?

Oh, man, you got a point. So the physio had to adjust my pubis bone. Oh, I bet he did. Imagine if you used that line at home. Hey, babe, would you like your pubis bone adjusted? You want to adjust my pubis, babe? Okay, so Rhian has started calling the physio the dude. The dude had this kind of hammer and chisel kind of vibe,

so he could, like, knock it back into place and stuff. You know how, like, they had a bit of pressure? Those rubber, like, mallet things that they... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And sort of it must be like a... Well, not a chisel with a sharp edge, but obviously like a dull thing so he can get in there and, like, knock things back into place.

Wow. She's done a good job. A real good job. Holy moly. She must be so much pay. Yeah. So I'm laying on the table and he was sort of positioning

with a right angle the chisel bit towards my pubis bones. He was like, you know, and he was just about getting ready to hammer it. And Rhiann says, be careful not to miss. You wouldn't want to lose your tool. To the doctor. So the doctor was looking about where he was about to hit, and she said she pulled the hammer back ready to hit,

and then she said that, and he just stopped in his motion, didn't look at her, just stared at the thing and went. And then just proceeded to hammer and didn't mention the joke, reference the joke or anything. As a fellow victim of medical comedy gone wrong. I'm a victim of medical comedy. That's the name of this episode. Victims of medical comedy.

A victim of medical comedy gone wrong. I'm fucking with you, Rhiann. You're just trying to make it better. They go, fuck you, bitch. Start hammering away at your pubis. They're not interested in you at all. Because I totally forgot when you tried to lighten the mood at the doctor. I've done it so many times.

And they don't want to have a bar of it. They're not fucking interested. And so, Rhiann, not only the embarrassing, quote, unquote, nature of the injury, that you had to explain what had happened, and they know. They'd see it all the time. Yeah. But, oh, like, oh.

She'll lose you to all. That's great gear. I hope he's got insurance. I hope she does. All right, finally, Heidi Bouchard. Hi, Heidi. Hi, D. Come on, mate.

After the comedy Rhianne just gave, that is a big step down. Okay. Heidi was shaving around some pretty sensitive areas. We're all adults. We don't need to giggle about that. We can, though. And we'll. I got a wee bit too close with the razor.

Oh, she shaved her clitoris off. No, but she cut the lip. It is her description. She cut the lip. It bled and swelled up really bad. And because when you cut something and, like, bacteria, you know, the cut can get infected and whatever. To the point where she's like, I think I need to go to the doctor. Also, the skin is just so thin.

Like, it's a very delicate area. Yeah. Oh. So because it, like, cut, she's like. How embarrassing. I know. She has to go to the doctor for A because she's like, I just want to make sure that it's like not infected because like you said,

it's such a sensitive area. And she also needed to get a bit of pain with it because I had to imagine just the pain of cutting. Oh, cut on the flap. Yeah. And the reason she was, I mean, not that you need a reason, but the reason she was, like, taking care of business because it was, like, a special night.

So she was like, yep, just getting ready. Speaking of fucking up a special night, so, no, then you've got to go to the hospital. So, like, you're trying to plan for this thing and then you're like. There was no special night. Yeah. Not anymore. Oh, and you couldn't get any action after because you'd be in so much pain.

Heidi has confirmed it was not a special night. Oh, sorry, Heidi. What I will say, though, is this is not a Rhiann comedy gear joke. This is real life what happened next. Oh, okay. But it sounds like a fucking written punchline. But this is what happened. Okay. Oh, my God. When. But this is what happened. Okay.

Oh, my God. When I saw this message, I lost it. Like, I was actually laughing for about ten minutes. I just couldn't stop. So she gets to the doctor and, you know, that's. Is she at the hospital, though? Or did she go to a GP? I think it's a GP. Most GPs have, like, an emergency, like, if there's something you can go into the special, the treatment room, is that what it's called? Oh, I think it's a GP. Most GPs have like an emergency, like if there's something,

you can go into the special, the treatment room, is that what it's called? Oh, I've never done that before. Yeah, there's a treatment room. That's what happened when I had glass in my foot when I was a fucking idiot. So I just went to the local doctor. They'll be like, oh, we'll send you to the treatment room. Right.

Okay, sorry, I'm with you, I'm with you. So we get to the treatment room. Oh, my God. She gets to the treatment room and goes, and could you imagine how embarrassed you are? Because, I mean, it's just. Totally, yeah. And you've got to show them your fanny.

Yeah. I mean, everyone's seen a fanny, but, like, fucking hell, awful. Also, would you, like, finish the job? Or is it, like, half? You know what I'm. Oh, the haircut. Yeah. You mean.

Do you finish the hair? Like, if you cut yourself badly, you're probably not going to finish the haircut, right? But then you're like, well, someone's going to see it, so you quickly whip around. I mean, oh. Do you finish the hair? Like, if you cut yourself badly, you're probably not going to finish the haircut, right? But then you're like, well, someone's going to see it, so you quickly whip around. She gets in there and she says, doctor, who's a guy, of course it is, just to make it even fucking worse for Heidi, I've cut my lip and now I've got a fat lip.

And he looks at her face and goes, it looks fine. It looks fine, babe. It would have been worse at her face and goes, it looks fine. It looks fine, babe. It would have been worse if he went, yeah, that looks awful. Hi, this is Monica from Minneapolis, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A big thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. If you'd like to check it out, the link is in the show notes. It always is and I don't think I've ever said that.

I always try and remember what the internet address is and then I say tonyandryan.com slash Patreon and that isn't the address, patreon.com slash tonyandryan.com slash Patreon and that isn't the address. Patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. I looked at the show notes the other day for the first time ever and I was like, oh, Tony does this every episode. Good on you, man. Yeah, they've got like all, like it's hyperlinked to like. Yeah, and there's a few zingers in there as well. Yeah.

I'm all about it. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I appreciate that. You've done that every day. Yeah, every day for 10 months or whatever. Thank you. Actually, appreciate that. I appreciate that. You've done that every day. Yeah, every day for 10 months or whatever.

Thank you. Actually, no, not 10 months. When did we start this podcast? September? August? Yeah. Quick maths. You're about to hear maths in real time here, guys.

Wait for it. Hang on. I'll just get a cup of tea. September. I've got my peppermint tea. August. No. August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, 5, 6, 7, 8 months.

So a big shout out to our champion tapas. Laura Ireland, Kate Smiley, Jan Henry, Michael Guyer and Chandler Grant. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Welcome aboard. Obviously, I can't do maths, so that's okay. But we have heard from our champion tapas, all of our tapas at our Patreon a lot this week because, as you know, last Friday we said we want to get to five episodes. But bigger news than that, if you're a Patreon,

you can vote on the movies we watch and you can have power over how shit Ryan's week finishes off. And don't at me for getting angry and turning on the Patreonions because what's the topic this week? The topic was movies about historical moments. What a beautiful area. And what was the reason I wanted to do this topic is because I watched Hidden Figures last week, which is about maybe that was my love

to see it as well. You were telling me about it separately, I think. So it's a movie about these African-American women who were a part of NASA back in the day at a time where black people can't work at NASA. At a time, like they had separate, like the coloured bathrooms and like just real gross shit. That's so, ugh.

And being a woman in science was like, hey, ladies, can you just get us a cup of tea? Like the men are working. But imagine being that smart. Like you just heard me struggle to get the order of the months correct. I mean you couldn't imagine being that smart. This is very unrelatable content. Yeah, this is not relatable.

But like imagine being a brain of a generation and being told to make tea. Like that's just so fucked. So these women, one of them ran this huge computer system that actually allows for this mathematics to happen so they can project where it's going to fucked. So these women, one of them ran this huge computer system that actually allows for this mathematics to happen so they can project where it's going to go. Holy shit. One lady like by hand is writing the algorithm to figure out how they're actually going to land back on Earth

for the first time when they go into outer, like change the course of the world. And I was like, what a beautiful moment in history. Want to share it with everyone. The story behind it is actually like when it finished, you know when you're on the couch and you're all revved up? Yeah. Yeah, like look at these fucking, yes.

Yes. So that's what I wanted out of this topic. So what were the other movies before you get to the one we chose? The other options were Saving Private Ryan. What's that about? I haven't seen that. Is that got Goldie Hawn in it? Is that that movie?

Don't fucking stroke your hair and look like a dumb bitch at me, mate. Is that the movie with Goldie Hawn in it? Is that that movie? Don't fucking stroke your hair and look like a dumb bitch at me, mate. Is that the movie with Goldie Hawn in it? Saving Private Ryan? It's Matt Damon. He is Private Ryan. It's a war movie. You're thinking of Sleepless in Seattle. She's in a movie called Private Benjamin.

Hang on, I'm just going to get the... Can you Google Saving Private Ryan? No, I'm going to... Private Benjamin is the movie I thought it was and that is not the same movie. That's not the same. Saving Private Ryan is Tom Hanks. It's Vin Diesel.

It's Matt Damon, Edward Burns. Bryan Cranston's in it as well. Oh, Breaking Bad. It's an incredible movie about war based on a real story. So what's the historical moment? Just that it's war. There were four children in a family, four brothers. Three of them were killed in the war and the government was like,

we can't let this fourth one die. were killed in the war and the government was like, we can't let this fourth one die. Like his mother, you know, the family, like we can't let every single child die so we are going to go save Private Ryan and bring him back home because we can't let this family lose all of their children. And that's a true story? Yeah.

Oh, my God. But, I mean, you know, put a Meg Ryan movie on. No, Goldie Hawn. They're not the same. Are they not the same person? No. Well, that's why I thought Sleepless in Seattle. Oh, no, no, no, that's Meg Ryan.

Yeah, they're the same person. No, Goldie Hawn is Kate Hudson's mum. Oh, well, Kate Hudson and Meg Ryan are pretty much the same person. So you can see how they're all kind of the same person. Next week we'll do Goldie Hawn, Meg Ryan and the Kate Hudson movies. Yes! Yeah. What's another option for this week?

The Big Short, which is obviously about. The GFC. Yeah. That's a really fantastic movie if you haven't watched it. I obviously, like the rest of the world, watched that after the GameStop short squeeze thing like two years ago. Short squeeze, is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, that's what it's called.

Is that what it's called? Yeah. Well, then don't fucking laugh at me, you fucking asshole. I'm laughing at the beauty of cinema. I know about finance. So is your finance team. What else is on the list? I, Tonya.

That was one of my suggestions. Incredible movie. Such a good movie. What's her name? Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie is fantastic in Incredible movie. Such a good movie. What's her name? Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie is fantastic in that movie. But what movie was selected? Twilight.

Fuck. When I saw that on the list, I was flapped. But what pissed me off more is. It won. It won. It won. 340 votes, followed semi closely by Hidden Figures, which you

wanted to watch, at 312. Can we find out who voted, just so I can choose my... I don't think so. Direct my anger at specific people? All I know is that I voted for Twilight. We're not supposed to vote! I can't see the numbers if I don't vote! Oh, okay, righto.

934 votes total and 340 of them were for Twilight and not one of these comments, 64 comments, not one of them is not can we please just pick Twilight for Tony? She deserves this win. No, some of the comments are like, fuck Ryan, I can't

wait to hear him have to watch Twilight. Someone said, Jenny Hug said, yes, Twilight, Tony's influence is powerful. But then some people missing the obvious joke, Jimmy said, how is Twilight a historical moment? These movies can get fucked. I'm with him.

And then there's lots of comments that say, do it for Tony. Doing it for Tony. And Katie said, shout out Katie Kamann, why is Twilight even on this list? It's a joke. It was a joke. Was it? It was just a joke. Very funny.

I didn't think. You're just as funny as Rhianne with the losing the tool in the pubis button. Yeah, well, check out my fat lip. Sorry, Heidi. Okay. So now you know why I'm fucking a bit, you know, it's hot and cold, hit and miss with my love for the Patreonians.

I, Twilight is good. Like it's shit, but it's good. All right, I'm going to have to get fucking worked up again because something happened in Twilight. Oh, what? Oh, do they fucking play volleyball again? What is the first scene where we meet Anna Kendrick? Oh, they do play volleyball again. What is the first scene where we meet Anna Kendrick? Oh, they do play volleyball in there.

Last week I came in here hot and I was like, fuck Top Gun because there's a shit volleyball scene in it and that's not how you play volleyball. I did not even think of that. So then I roll up and go, fine, I'll finally watch Twilight. You know, at least I want to get some shit volleyball scene. And then she rocks up to the new school in Folktown, whatever the fuck it's called.

Forks. In Forks. She rocks up to Forks. Folktown. And then it's gym class. And they're like, oh, it's Anna Kendrick. Oh, it's the hot boy who's got to be a love interest but turns out not to be any part of the movie.

They don't set him up as a love interest, like, at all. Well, she, like, he asks to be the date to the. Yeah, he's interested in her, but he's not a love interest. But when they meet, they, like, look at each other and they're like... I look at a lot of people. Do they all think I'm interested in them? Probably, yeah, because you are a thirsty... I take that back.

I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said that. Mate, just because you're fucked off, don't direct that anger at me. At least I'm not going to have to put up with a shit volleyball scene. And then Anna Kendrick walks in and I'm like, oh, I love Anna Kendrick. I didn't know she was in this. She's better than this, but good for her.

This launched her career. This is like the first thing that she was in. Yeah, yeah, sure, mate. Launched her career. She's done a lot of unbelievable stuff, but it was Twilight. But this was like the first thing that she was in. Yeah, mate, she'll be a fun. Oh, you are being so fucking patronising and I hate it.

Patronising? Yeah, I was trying not to say Patreon. A shit volleyball scene that didn't make sense. She was out of position. You wouldn't just spike the ball in that court. But when you're in high school. And spiked into a boy's face who was playing basketball. How are those things happening at the same time in the same gym?

Yeah, that doesn't compute. Yeah, hidden figures. I'm quite good at science and I'm not getting that. Now, as someone who's never seen it and doesn't know anything about it, I reckon there was about 45 minutes in where I was like, are we going to spend the whole movie seeing, because like he's obviously a vampire. It couldn't be more obvious.

Is the whole movie going to be about her trying to figure that out? Because there's scenes where she's like, oh, he like doesn't come out during the sun and he like eats people's blood and he's got superheroes. If only I knew like what he was. And I was like, bitch, have you not read the books? Well, she doesn't know though yet. But I just felt like her not knowing took a long time. It's like a beautiful

story about her finding out and he's never opened up to anybody before. It's pretty special. And Robert Pattinson, was this before or after you and Robert Pattinson were like DMing each other when this movie came out? It was after the movie came out. Now people might not know that you and Robert Pattinson are like old friends. Yep, they might not know that. Robert Pattinson might not even know.

Why wouldn't he know? I don't know if I've talked about this before but. You've definitely told me and it's hilarious. After Twilight came out, I was obsessed. I'd read all the books, the movie had come out, I was obsessed. I'd read all the books. The movie had come out. I was obsessed with Robert Pattinson, obsessed with Muse as well because Supermassive Black Hole plays in the movie

and it's fucking epic. If there's one thing I will stand for, it is the epic, grungy, emo pop rock soundtrack of that movie. When Paramore comes on at the end, oh, fuck me up. I love that song. Paramore is fantastic. So good. The soundtrack is amazing.

So it's blowing up pop culture-wise. The movie's hot. The love that song. Paramore is fantastic. So good. All of it fantastic. The soundtrack is amazing. So it's blowing up pop culture wise. The movie's hot. The song's hot. And then what happens to you, Tony Lodge, young teenage girl in Perth? I became friends with Robert Pattinson on MSN. One of the great sentences you'll

hear on this podcast. What was his username? Oh, fucking who knows. Was it rpats.twilight69 at hotmail.com? No, it wasn't. And because of the time difference when we wanted to talk, because he was on set and stuff as well, so with the time differences I would literally like stay up all night and talk to Robert Pattinson online.

And then my mum would like come and wake me up at like 7 o'clock to go to school or whatever because I have to catch the bus and I wouldn't have slept all night. Like she'd come in to wake me up and I would have like just fallen asleep because I'd been chatting to Robert Pattinson. But I had to work on his schedule. Of course, he's a busy guy. Yeah.

So when did it occur to you that maybe out of all the things Robert Pattinson was doing, maybe he just didn't start MSN chatting with a girl from Perth? From Perth. Yeah. So I did get catfished. It turned out that it was this horrible, horrible girl called Rita from America. Really? Yeah.

So you found the villain? Yeah. I figured it out. I figured it out. Well, he was also from... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so stupid.

I was fucking 15. I was in love with a fucking movie star. Yeah, it's cute. It's a beautiful story. It isn't. I was in love with a fucking movie star. Yeah, it's cute. It's a beautiful story.

It isn't. If she can accept a vampire into her life, then you can accept a movie star from the other side of the world. I mean, we all believe in love, right? I did. I used to. Anyway, as we can all probably see, it's quite an obvious ending to this story.

It wasn't Robert Pattinson. It was this girl called Rita from America. Unfortunately, everything that he told me was in our future has not turned out. Still holding our hope. Torbs is on the back burner. He's good to go. It's fine, Rita slash Rob. I've got a plan B.

But I literally talked to Robert Pattinson on MSN for probably two months. Two months? Yep. Not like a couple of nights. And then I look back and think, what a fucking idiot because, you know, my mum said things like, make sure you don't send him your address. Good call, mum.

Yeah. She's smart. Yep. Don't send your nudes back. Yeah, probably don't send him any pictures or, yep. Yeah, so I was brokenhearted. Yeah, how did you find out? It was one of those things, like I knew the whole,

like I didn't know the whole time, but it's like you know, but you don't want to know. So you like ignore the signs of like. Is it like the people who get scammed by the Nigerian prince? They're in too deep to kind of want to admit that maybe it's not real and they're like, oh, but I'm believing this is so beautiful and I don't want to believe that it's not true and Robert Pattinson and me are going to get married.

But it absolutely wasn't like he asked for my credit card information or anything. Like, it was nothing like that. Oh, I just mean they're too good to be true, but I want to believe it so badly. But I was so young and I loved Twilight and I just, yeah, I wanted to believe that he was going to fly to Rolling Stone in the hills of Perth and, you know, come and marry me.

Like that's just what I. Were there plans for him to travel out? Oh, well, yeah, we did talk about it. Okay. And then he talked like maybe you could come out and be on set for New Moon, the second movie. That never happened. We have people listening to this podcast from all around the world.

I'm so, like this is so fucking embarrassing. But one thing I don't. It was over ten years ago. Can I just say, like it was a long time ago. What I don't know, though, is the age of tarpers. I feel like a lot of tarpers are a similar age. Because I was just about to say, if anyone is 15 years old and listening right now, but I don't know if we'd have

any 15-year-olds listening. Oh, I do get messages from some people that are like, oh, I'm going through year 12, it's really hard, thanks for... Oh, well, here's my question. Yeah. If you're 15, 16, 17 or younger... Yep. Because you said, oh, I i was only 15 i want to know

the internet was a different place then can you message us or put in the episode thread or send me a dm on instagram hi i'm 15 and i probably wouldn't believe that r pats was going to move to rolly stone perth and marry me don't't shame 15-year-olds by saying us 15-year-olds were dumb. I've met some smart kids, mate. Okay. And I've met you and you're smart too. There's a missing link in this story. I was a woman in love.

I just, I thought that, anyway. Great movie, three out of five stars. Well, the... Anyway. Great movie. Three out of five stars. Three out of five is harsh. Three out of five, that's fine. You've got to watch the last book.

Oh, actually, hang on a second. Two questions. Oh, yeah, please, question. When does Taylor Lautner get hot? Because it's not in the first one. And my second question is, what the fuck is that wig? Yeah, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig. Whoa.

As soon as he rocked up that first scene, I was like, whoa, are we supposed to believe that's real, bro? Because it is moving. End of the, like, kind of middle of the second movie. Because he's a bloody good-looking rooster. Yeah. I just feel like that didn't come across in the first movie. It doesn't really come across at all.

My love to See It is actually Twilight related. It's a white post meme thing by Susie Fone. If I wrote Twilight, there'd be a kid in Edward's class who zones the fuck out and daydreams about a story they want to write and Edward would just tune in to watch a TV

show when he's bored in class. He gets genuinely invested and eventually he's like, I know exactly how they can fix the plot holes in this story that's bothering them but I can't tell them without first telling them I'm a mind reader. And there's a reply that says, genuinely more compelling than literally everything

else that happened in Twilight. It was very slow moving. I reckon five dot points would have got me there. Mate, it's very good. And the last book, so like the fourth movie. I've seen it now. The fourth movie. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it is horny as fuck. I was going to say, there's a little bit of haunt.

Oh yeah, when they kiss. Oh my... Oh, but just him describing how he's like, if I started, I couldn't be able to stop. And she's just like, oh my god. You're my own personal brand of heroin. If a boy said that to me, and I mean, I fell in love with a fucking woman on the internet who I thought was Robert Pattinson, so I'm not the best judge of character.

But there were horny vibes. You're saying it gets hornier? It gets so fucking horny. So after they get married, that's pretty wild. Jeez, you know it's an America movie for kids, but they don't fucking till they've got married. Yeah, well, she really wants to. As you can tell from the movie, she's fucking barter. Yeah, he's like, no, not until after we, you're a vampire,

because I could kill you. Oh. Yeah, because he's so strong. Imagine, like, I can't fuck you because I might kill you. Tony has just. We have to get Franco to turn that into a gif. Fell into a heap when you said that. Holy shit.

Okay, what's all your love to say? Do you need a tap, mate? I might love to see it. It's nothing. What a letdown this is. Oh, sorry, mate. There was a sign on the front of this takeaway Mexican store and I saw a photo of it.

It was doing the rounds online. It said, sorry, we are closed due to short staff. And then someone's put a sign on their sign that said, well, then hire some taller staff because I need tacos. And I was like, good. They've seen the sign and they're going, I'm not fucking having that. I'm going to write my own sign and put it on theirs.

Or you just know it was like a drunk group of bros that were like, oh, I should have hired some taller people. Well, if they were bros being idiots, Who cares? Bro me up because I'm all about it.

Thank you so much for listening today. It's been a huge week. If you want to check out our Facebook group, you can, Tony and Ryan Podcast. Patreon, all the info is in the show notes.

I've literally never referred to them, but I've been writing them for eight months, so you might as well go and have a look. Appreciate it. Next week, don't know what we've got on, haven't written it down yet. Could be anything. Hey, you guys just have a great weekend. The weekend is open. Just like...

What? Oh, Heidi's lips. Meow. Love you, bye.