Toni and Ryan - WARNING: An Appendage Heavy Show

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

A looootttttt of genital chat team, sorry! Love ya! xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. And we are calling Libby Payne. Ooh. That name sounds familiar. Is it because it's your sister? Or is there a Libby Payne? Libby Payne is part of the whole... Yeah, she comments a lot, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Not my sister, by the way. From Brighton in the UK. Brighton? Brighton. Brighton. Hey. Libby. Hello. Hi. Now how do you pronounce the town you're from in England? Brighton. Brighton.

Ryan keeps saying Brighton but in an Irish kind of accent which I don't know where that's from. Tell us something fun about Brighton, Libby. Well, it's right down the bottom of the UK and it's just like a beach city. I'm pretty sure it's where the film Angus Longs and Perfect Snogging was filmed, which is probably what I would say Brighton is best known for. Where did that knowledge come from? I have watched that movie about 9 billion and a half times.

Wow. The other half is on pause on Netflix at the moment. Libby, does that ring true for a local like yourself? I guess so. I mean, it's definitely not what Brighton's most known for, but it's known for that, yeah. Disagree? It's the only thing we know about it.

I agree to disagree. I do disagree. Libby, thanks so much for being a tarpon and a legend. Will you approve this podcast? Of course. Woo-hoo! Yes! Hey, it's Libby from Brighton, England, and I approve this podcast.

I feel really bad because I've just eaten that wrap and now I'm really aware that there was onion in it and I think my breath smells really bad. I'm so sorry. Welcome to the show and you've just heard where Tony's at today. Sorry. I just, you know when you bring your lunch to work and then you eat it for breakfast because you're so hungry? Yeah.

So I've done that. Yep. So the wrap that I had which was like. Is there onion in it? Yeah, red onion. I can't smell. I'm just joshing you, bro. But I feel like I'm very aware that I've just had onions.

I'm really sorry. I can't. They're all good. Yeah. But I can smell. Like, you know when you can feel it and smell it and you're like. Do other countries call it a hump day or is that an Australian thing? No, other countries do.

Other countries do? Okay. Oh, great. Welcome to hump day, guys. I think I'm all out of whack. I think I called a hump day or is that an Australian thing? No, other countries do. Other countries do? Okay. Oh, great. Welcome to hump day, guys. I think I'm all out of whack. I think I called yesterday hump day. Tony's losing it. Strap in.

Sorry. I'm getting out of the wormhole. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. Last week I was talking about how I taught my daughter Mabel how to cheers. Yes. And it was cute as fuck until it's like not cute as fuck because it's so annoying because she will not drink anything without cheersing. It's quite sweet.

It's still a little bit cute though. Does she cheers like, has she done a cheers with her little bottle to like BJ's bowl? No, not BJ's bowl, but I think she has cheers BJ's head and just like whacked him with the drink bottle. Here we go. Yeah, that's very sweet actually. She does love getting his bowl and like giving it back to him and stuff. She's very good with him.

Loves him. Yeah. He loves her as well. Yeah. He tolerates her very well. Oh. But more people who listen to the pod have sent through their cute but annoyings.

Cute but annoyings. Eliza says, my son adds or not at the end of every question. It was random and cute at first, but now it sounds mildly threatening. For example, can you get me some water or not? Are you going to pick me up or not? Do you know where my classroom is or not? See, I think that with the pause, are are you gonna get me some water or not yeah the chewed on this little kid but you can imagine like little kids saying like are you

gonna get me some water or not like a bit inquisitive that is but he's gotten that from somewhere do you know what i mean like where's he picked that up from i tell you one of the great they're little sponges the first little burn you'll ever do mean? Like where's he picked that up from? I'll tell you one of the great. They're little sponges. The first little burn you'll ever do in your life is dropping a knot. You know what I mean? Yeah, like a knot. Yeah. Give me one.

What do you got? Your suit is black, not. For it. What? What? My suit is black, paws not. My suit is black, paws not. My suit is black, paws not.

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Sean says. I love your outfit today. Nah. Like that? Is that what you mean? Yeah. Sean says. I love your outfit today. Nah. Like that? Is that what you mean? Yeah.

Sean says my nephew was taught the word help. Whenever he wants milk or to get down the stairs or whenever he feels like he can't do something, he'll just yell out help. Now he just kind of yells help all the time. It's just his default word. So was it cute at first? Sure.

But imagine the face of strangers when they see us picking him up from the park and we physically lift him up and the kid's going, help, help, help. It feels like we're abducting him and it's starting to freak me out. And you would feel like, and again, it's one of those situations where if you explain it, it looks way worse. Yeah. Be like, oh, no. He just learned that word.

It's just the only word he knows. They go, yeah, okay. Sure. That's exactly what you would say if you were bloody doing the wrong thing. So Mabel says da, and she thinks that means dog. Dog. So she sees dogs and goes da, da. And so when we're like walking, doing a lap of the block,

I'll always go, oh, shit, da means dog for her. And the old people are like, oh, I'm like, yeah. But, yeah, you're right. Help just means hello. Yeah. It means thanks. You're my family. And because it's the nephew, they go, oh, it's just this thing.

Oh, is that your kid? No. Oh. Oh, it's a family friend. Yeah. They go, oh, it's just this thing. Oh, is that your kid? No. Oh. Oh, it's a family friend. Yeah. This is my sister's son, you know, and you're trying to add it up in your head. Now, when you say they get it from something, I think India, that's her name, I think she's claiming that husband

slash dad might have said this in the car once. Okay. That's all stuck. My kid says, bloody red light. Every time we're stuck at a red light, he's two years old. Bloody red light. And so India kind of gets- That is adorable.

Gets home, looks at her husband and goes, oh, wonder where we got that one from. Bloody red light. Bloody red light. Grumpy little kid. That is so fucking cute. Amy said, I accidentally taught my... Amy says, I accidentally taught my daughter to fist bump

every time she burps. Nice one. So if she burps, even if she's on the other side of the room, she'll walk across. Ready to go. Yeah. That is so sweet. And because sometimes babies don't know when a burp's coming.

They're kind of just drinking, they're drinking, they're like, uh. They get a bit shocked or whatever. Nice. That's quite cute. They all are at first. Oh, of course. But then now they're kind of like, they hear a, uh. Walks across the room.

Dana, which I believe I pronounced yesterday as Dana. Dania, I think is what you said. My husband taught our two-year-old son what the word butthole and nuts mean, which was adorable when he couldn't say them properly. Oh, butthole. Yeah. But now he's showering and I'm trying to teach him how to wash himself. And I'll go, I'll just wash here.

And he goes, wash my butthole. And me cursing under my breath. Yes, mate. Just wash your butthole. They are washing the butthole, aren't they? Yeah. And wash my nuts. Through gritted teeth. Yeah, mate. Just wash your butthole. They are washing the butthole, aren't they? Yeah. And wash my nuts. Through gritted teeth?

Yeah, mate. And your nuts. And your nuts. Oh. Every time I bathe my son, which is every night, he asks if he has to wash his butthole and it just makes me hate my husband every single time for teaching him that word. Nuts, I think, is worse. Like, because it's more, butthole, I think, is, like, kind of innocent.

But nuts is, like. I think butthole's worse. Do you reckon? I'll put it in the context, like, you want me to wash my butthole? And you're like, just do it. Like, just don't need to say it. Nuts is sort of silly, like, silly. See, I think butthole's silly, but I think nuts is a bit, like, grown up.

Grown up. Yeah, like, butthole's silly, but I think nuts is a bit like grown up. Grown up. Yeah, like, oh, that's on the nuts. Like that just feels like a- Grown up? No, it just feels like something that I wouldn't have said until I was like- What would you call them? I actually don't know. Probably- Like use it in a sentence how you would with Torbs. I actually don't know. Probably.

Like use it in a sentence how you would with Torbs. Get my whip and cloak because I'm going to. No. No. Probably ballies. Ballies? Oh, sorry. Did that get you in the ballies?

Or like Tessa Tickle. Ballies is like when you called boys' underwears knickers. Ballies just makes it feel like. It's a bit too cutesy, maybe? Yeah, like they don't work. Oh, what? They do? Well.

But imagine if you lost your balls and then got like fake ones. You'd call the fake, oh, you little ballies. Yeah, you little ballies. But that's probably, what would you say? But imagine if you lost your balls and then got like fake ones. You'd call the fake. Oh, you little ballies. Yeah, you little ballies. But that's probably, what would you say? Probably balls or sack. No, I think you would say sack. 100% you would say sack.

It depends which part I was describing, but they're the two. But I feel like you would say sack. My little ballies in my sackie? Sorry, everyone's just thrown up listening to the podcast today. Touch me on the sack. Sorry, our producer Sophie just almost threw up. Threw up and got some cold water for herself. She liked that.

But imagine if you're like in the heat of the moment and he goes, oh, can you touch my ballies? Well. Yeah, well, not now, obviously. But okay, well, then what would you say? Can you touch my sack? Obviously not.

Oh, yeah, yeah, grab me on the sack. Like, you're not obviously. Is there any good way to say it? That's what I'm saying. Like, grab my nuts. Like that. It's too much. That's grown up.

I'm going to send you a sentence and you're going to read it out loud. Touch my bulbs. Touch me on the wagglers. But I also think that the word for penis, like, what do you say, Ryan? Like, if you were talking about your penis, you're not going to say penis. No, because penis sounds weird. It sounds professional. Like, it sounds like your penis is off to work.

Like, it sounds like. Yeah, like he's a Christian name. Hey, it's Libby from Brighton in the UK and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. All the information to have a look at our Patreon is in the show notes, which is a little description underneath the episode. Alvin Lee is one of our champion tapas.

Thanks, Alvin. Brandon Phillips, Matt Broman, Andrew Hall, and A Hoag. Sorry, what was that? Sorry, we were talking about cogs before, but now we're talking about a hoag. Big hoag. Big hoag. Big hoag. Sorry, what was that? Sorry, we were talking about cugs before, but now we're talking about a hoag. Big hoag. Big hoag. Big hoag. Oh.

Sorry, you want to go? I'll go if you want. Sure. What are you doing? What are we doing? I'm doing my thing. What are you doing? Apparently that as well.

Do you want to go? No, you go. You've got something good we can do that. I've used all my good ball gear today. I want you to think, Ryan, and everybody listening, think about a time when you have messaged the wrong person. Yeah. Like whether you've been having a bit of a whinge about a friend

and sent it to the friend you're whinging about instead of sending it to who you're whinging to. What about when your wife send it to the friend you're whinging about instead of sending it to who you're whinging to. What about when your wife's going to bushkinder and you message your co-host instead and say, how's your bushkinder? Yeah. And they say what? And I said, excuse me?

There's always the missing context, which really gets you into a flap in that. And again, then you have to go, oh. So the thing is, is that, oh, oh. Or if you've meant to send like a sexy, we've had this on the show before, people have shared that they meant to send a nude to their partner and it's gone to, you know, a family group chat or a church group or something like that. When I thought about talking to you about this today,

I was reminded of a little flirting tactic that I used to use back in the day. Ooh, should we take out a notepad and pen to jot down some details? I wouldn't. I don't think it's important that we remember it into the future. It's just important to sometimes look back and go, that wasn't a good idea. Okay.

But that if I was trying to flirt with boys and maybe we hadn't talked for a while, this is actually really embarrassing and I want to die thinking about it, that I'd maybe be like, oh, my God, yeah, that was so fun, X. And then like to the boy that I liked and then maybe be like, oh, my God, so sorry, like wrong, Ben. What the fuck is wrong with you? Because Ben goes, I know you, Tony.

You didn't do anything fun. No, but I'd be like, oh, my God, yeah, like so true. And they'd be like, oh, my God, so sorry, wrong Ben. So they'd know that there was none of them. And did any of them ever respond and go, who's this other Ben? By the way, what are you doing tonight? Can I take you out for a steak dinner? Never happened.

None of them said, will you touch me on the sack? But how did they respond usually? Were they just like, what? They would either just like not reply or be like, oh, all good. How many times do you think you tried it? Oh, I did it a lot. I did a lot. But is it zero from three or is it like zero from 20?

Maybe 10 or 15. Okay. So 10 or 15. I would say once you're none from five, surely you go, is this the strategy for me? I just thought it would like spark something. I used to do it with like talking to someone on MSN and you do the wrong window and you go, oh, my God, sorry, wrong window.

I meant to send that to Jess or whatever and it would be like, oh, my God, do my boobs look too big in this dress? And then you'd be like, oh, my God, sorry, sorry. I just sent that because that's what I'm wearing tomorrow night. Oh, someone's messaged you, Tony. Oh, God. Better check it. Thanks for last night.

Sorry, wrong chat. That kind of energy. And then you would hope that they'd be like, oh, why? What were you doing last night? Like, are you doing anything tonight? Or I thought it wasn't to like make them jealous. It was a bit to make them jealous but kind of like an excuse to text them. Be like, oh, my God, so sorry, wrong person.

They'd go, that's okay. And I'd be like, how are you anyway? Do you know what I mean? If you ever pull that shit on me. But I wouldn't because I know you want to fuck me. So it's like it wouldn't ever come up. But don't you need to remind me that I want to fuck you? I don't know.

You know, it's Christmas. We haven't seen each other because we're away over a break or something and you go, oh, I'll just send like a bullshit excuse to Ryan. Normally if I haven't spoken to you over Christmas, I message you on the 1st of January and I say I haven't spoken to you since last year. And that always works. That always gets a response. It does get a response. It's me saying, fuck off. Leave this in the past like last year. Yeah. It's funny. No, it's not. So the other day I'm on Instagram and I see this

Instagram story of someone who I think is quite good looking, right? And it's like a famous person. It's not like someone I know. Was it you? Yeah. Oh, she's handsome. Yeah. Send that to myself.

Save that for the wank bank for later. But this person who I follow, I think they're really good looking and I've actually shown this person to our producer, Sophie, before. Are you prepared to say who it is? No. Okay. Not going to say who it is. Okay.

The story that I see the other day while I'm on Instagram is what can only be described as a thirst trap. Like this video, it knows what it's doing. It knows what it's doing. Do you know what I mean? It's getting your bean hard. Is that the saying? That's not a saying.

Why are you reacting like that? Is that not a thing? Is that not what we're saying? Got my bean hard. Isn't that what people say? I thought that's what people said. No. Isn't that what people say? Who thought that's what people said. No. Isn't that what people say?

Who's that? I don't know. I don't work here. I just live around the corner. Did that get your bean heart? I don't know what to say. Did that get your bean heart? Do you mean flicking the bean?

Yeah. But no one's ever said that. That's what I meant. That gets my bean heart bean does that make you want to flick the bean you know what i think i was trying to say but then i thought hard because that's the thing and obviously that you know when people say like you know what grinds my gears you don't really guess my bean heart. No. You don't get my bean heart.

Actually, everyone, let us know in the episode thread what gets your bean heart. No. That's not what we're asking. Anyway, so I see this thirst trap and I go- Which is designed to- Get your bean heart. Is that the episode title today? Get your bean heart. Yeah.

After the first half of this episode, I feel like. What could go right? Yeah, like there's nothing from that I would use. So I see this thirst trap and I'm like, oh, I'll send that to Sophie. And I'm also messaging Torbs at the same time. Ah, yep. And so he's like actively looking at his phone. I send the first trap to Torbs and immediately I'm like, oh, oops.

Are you with Torbs at the time? No, no, no. He was at work. I'm going to show you this. This is the screenshot of Torbs and I's conversation. So you can see I sent a story. Do I read it verbatim? You can read it verbatim. And I'll say it. I'll do it as Tony. Okay. Oh my God. Sorry.

I meant to send that to Sophie. There is like a million. There's seriously that many laughs. Do you hear the nervous laughter coming through the screen? That was sent at 11.37am. On a Friday. Pretty early for a thirst trap. Yeah, my beam was hard. He didn't reply for over an hour.

And what he said was, what the fuck? That's what he said back. Then you said. Apologies. So even though like it's obviously very funny. Wow. And like, hell silly. I did think like it was a bit,

I wasn't expecting him to respond the way that he did. Like him being like, what the fuck? I was like, oh, it's just silly. Like why would you. Show me the picture. I won't out them. No, no, no. I actually don't have, because it was a story.

So I don't have it. I just need some context. I'll show you after this. So you do have it? Oh, not, I don't have that story, but I can show you the person who it is. Okay. Do I know them? Fucking hell.

I need context. I've shown you this person before. Anyway, I you after this so it's fine anyway who have you shown me before oh can you just shut up that would you know what would get my bean heart you're shutting up um no so i was like it's a bit random that you'd be like what what the fuck about it? Like, oh, it's all good. Like, it's just silly, whatever. Anyway, and he gets home from work and I ask him, I was like, oh, that was like a bit random how you responded. Like, were you upset that I was looking at this thing?

And he goes, nah. I was like, what the fuck? Are you sending that to your employee? Yeah, that is a great question. That is a great question. Great question. Great question. Tony, you're this person's boss.

You can't send them that shit. Hey, can you submit that file into the accounts department and check out the dick on this guy? Hey, Sophie, these will get you beat you need to get your fucking bean hard. I just didn't even think about it. He goes, no, I didn't give a fuck. What's that word, James, that Tony has to put in the text? With prejudice.

With prejudice. Without prejudice. With all the prejudices. Apparently that saves you in the court of law. Hot tip from us. With prejudice. Without prejudice. With all the prejudices. Apparently that saves you in the court of law. Hot tip from us. Business podcast. He goes, yeah, no, I was more worried about what he was saying. Are you sending that to Sophie?

So apologies, Sophie. Sophie. I'd hate to see what Ryan and James are sending each other. You actually would have it. I'd hate to see what Ryan and James are sending each other. You actually would have it. Actually, the last time I sent a video to James, do you want to know what it was?

Do you remember what it was? I think so. Go on, say the thing. Is it football? No. It was Miss Rachel. Oh, like the kids? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're both new dads. New dads. Oh, what are these boys sending each other sexy videos of girls? No. No. It's literally a video of a girl. Your daughter will love this. Oh, but it was even James and I were like, look how many views she's getting.

Like, it's incredible. So I think because when someone joins the company, let me just bring out the bylaws. Without prejudice. I've watched Suits. We say like, employee, if you have a problem with Tony, you can speak to Ryan. If you have a problem, Ryan, you can speak to Tony. If you've got a problem with both of them, like you have to speak to Fiona. Yeah.

That's how it works. Fiona's our friend. Yeah. Like a mutual bystander. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like an independent. Sophie. Fiona's our friend. Yeah. Like a mutual bystander. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like an independent. Sophie, how do you feel about receiving these messages? Well, I'm actually a newish mum, so yeah, I'm pretty into it.

What's a meaner mum got to do with this? I don't know, new dads are getting cute videos for their daughter. And new mums are getting dick pics. It wasn't a dick pic. Like it was a tasteful dick. No, he's a beautiful lad. Yeah. Just beautiful.

You're gatekeeping this person from everyone listening. No, I'm not. It's because I. You don't want to objectify them. Yes, and it sounds really bad. To quote, they knew what they were doing. Or you should see the comments on his videos. From other thirsty young mums just tagging each other.

Yeah, like, yeah. And I don't really want to perpetuate that. But, I mean, I was obviously doing the same thing. But, like. Hey, we're all human. Yeah. And anyway, and I was just like, oh, this is that guy I've seen before. Anyway.

And so it was just so funny. I was like, oh, Torb's like. Is it Peter Andre? What? Who's that? 1994? 1994? I was one, James.

No! It wasn't Peter Andre. Anyway. Mike Tyson? It was Mike Tyson. How'd you know? It was Mike Tyson. How did you know? It was Mike Tyson. I sent it to Sophie. I sent the Instagram story to Sophie.

Thick the bean to this. No, but it's flick, so it's not S. Fuck. Fuck my sack. S. Fuck. Fuck my sack. Anyway, do you have a, you'll have to say it. Not anymore. Oh, well, I've got one here from Emily. Emily shared this and I wanted to spotlight a fancy dog.

So Emily has been, for the last 10 years, training and competing with her little dog, Lexi, and Lexi hasn't won any competitions. But Emily has just started training her little boy dog, Hero, and he won his very first competition and he's gotten enough points to, like, move into the next league. Like, so you know how in the soccer, you're like Premier League, whatever, I'm guessing that it's like the highest stakes competitions.

And look at this dog, whatever. Yeah. I'm guessing that it's like the highest stakes competitions. And look at this dog hero. Isn't it the fanciest dog you have ever seen in your life? Is the word regal the one? Yeah. Yeah. He looks distinguished. Distinguished. Great word.

But he's also better hair than anyone I've ever seen. Without being aggressive, he doesn't look aggressive, but he does look like a dog I wouldn't want to fuck with. You know, it's that right balance. Oh, yeah. Because he's stern. Oh, yeah. You're respecting that dog's authority.

You know what I mean? That balance of like, not aggressive, but like, don't fuck with this guy. Definitely not aggressive, but just like, no nonsense. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And it's got its two little first ribbons and its little trophies at its feet. Isn't that so sweet?

I like the name hero, but sometimes I associate it with, like, when someone goes, oh, right, a hero. Yeah, being a bit of a hero. Yeah. No, but Emily, congratulations on being a successful little dog mum trainer. That's awesome. Well done. Tapa Louise, not to be confused with Tony Louise.

Yeah, I was going to say, what did I do? Louise says, after seeing this at my local supermarket, I will never call them bananas again. Oh, no. What does the supermarket sign say? Under the bananas display in the fruit and veg section, instead of saying bananas, it says yellow tree dicks. What the fuck?

What are these called? I don't know. They kind of just look like yellow tree. Yeah, just put that on the side. Yeah, whatever you write. Yeah, that's obviously. Or it's a little tree penises. The intern's first day.

They go, well, I've never seen that before. Yellow tree dick. I guess that'll work. That'll be fine. I don't know how it wouldn't be that. What else could it be? Yeah. Fuck that. Or they go, I, I've never seen that before. Yellow tree dick. I guess that'll work. That'll be fine. I don't know how it wouldn't be that. What else could it be? Yeah. Fuck that.

Or they go, I can't smell banana. B-A-N-A-N-A. Yes. I learned that from Gwen Stefani. That camera is about to run out of battery. So see you tomorrow. Bye.