Toni and Ryan - Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzup

Episode Date: May 12, 2024

I mean... what more can we say.. Brotherrrrr? Love ya! xxxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. We are calling Hannah, who is in Toronto. And I'll never say Toronto again in my life. But you do say it a lot. Not to argue. Ever. I feel very attid. Sorry.

Do I have anything in my teeth? It's not good in there. Hello. Hannah! How you doing? No, it's not good? Hello? Hannah! How are you doing? No, it's not good in there. Hi! How are you guys?

Sorry, Hannah. We were just talking about all the green bits of Tony's smoothie that are stuck in her teeth at the moment, and she decided after we called you to ask me about it. What were you going to ask, Hannah? I wanted to know what's in your smoothies because I want to make some. Oh, my God. Tony's cooking channel.

Is this a prop? Have you prepared this? No, I didn't. She's about to ask for a first date kiss. No, there's coffee, banana, oats, chia, and spinach. Oh, and a little bit of oat milk. That sounds good. Okay.

I'm also currently going through a phase where I'm putting hemp seeds in a lot of stuff. Yeah, that's good though. That fills you up. I'm also currently going through a phase where I'm putting hemp seeds in a lot of stuff. Yeah, that's good though. Because Maeve's loves it as well. That fills you up. Hannah, are you a wannabe smoothie queen as well? Yeah, what are you smoothing, Han? I'm really not smoothing anything, just the coffee.

That's it. Old school. No, that's old school. That's the original smoothie. If it's a smoothie of some sort, it's a milkshake. Oh, yum. I could go a fucking vanilla thick shake. That's my favorite.

A thickie? Yeah. All right, well, Hannah. Let's have a great day. Did you want to approve the podcast? Yes, I would love to. Excellent. A couple of smoothie queens.

Hi, it's Hannah from Toronto, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. and I approve this podcast. Alright, welcome to the show. Hello, happy Monday. Happy Monday. Big update. I still sound sexy as fuck. You actually do sound like I think that the couple of days rest was very required. In front of

me I have a bottle of like Hydralite, a hot coffee, an iced coffee and a hot tea. Yeah. And everyone here is saying don't drink milk because it turns into mucus. Well it just makes it all work. It makes your

Which is exactly what I don't want but the milk is just so fucking yum. But also when you don't feel well, you just want like comfort food. I just want a hot coffee and some frothy milk. Yeah, comfort food. Let me live. Things that like warm your tummy up. And so I totally get it. But you just got to chase the milky stuff with the hot tea.

I think that's literally fine. Okay. We'll push through. Yeah. Now, I know for the last month it feels like we've talked about the barber every second day. Does it? Well, because there was torbs in the hair and then there was a few other things.

Yeah, the slivers. I went to the barber on the weekend and my voice like was real bad. Like I could barely talk. And it was the first thing in the morning. So I got there and I was like. Oh, and you hadn't like even warmed up yet. Yeah. So did we ever talk about like small talk or do we prefer just to be quiet?

We've talked about this, haven't we? We have talked about this because remember I clicked silent appointment. Yes. And then they didn't do it. Yeah. So I thought because I'm like a bit of an introvert and because I'm not feeling well I'm like I just want to sit there just you do your job I'll just sit there like no pressure yeah all good and you talk all day yeah do you know what I mean there's music in the store and

there's other people it's not like it's like really awkwardly quiet and then when they use the hair dryer and you're like yes I'm watching this thing on Netflix you know and it's awful so because I had no voice I was, surely this is like a pretty good excuse to like we're not going to do small talk. So I get in there and go, hey, mate, sorry to be rude, but I'm like I barely have any voice, can't really chat much today. And he says, all good, brother. And I went, okay.

I said, yeah, just same but short, you know, just the trim, bit of beard, bit of hair. Did you feel like you had to do the classic, like, oh, it's not, it's not COVID. I've just, you know, like, nice one. Thank you. Because you feel a bit like, oh, like, oh, I'm not like sick, sick, still. It's just the voice that's coming back.

To be honest, he didn't really give a fuck. Yeah, okay. You know what? Moved straight on. Yeah. He just goes, no worries, brother. Nice. How did that make you feel as an only child?

Did you feel really included? Is that nice for you? Well, I liked the brother at first, but foreshadowing. Oh. So I go, yeah, I can't really talk much, bro. Just bit of here, chimp there, all good. And he goes, yeah, yeah, cool. So then I sit in the chair.

So you live around here, brother? Oh. Yeah, yeah. Altham went to Altham High, like local area. What about you? And he goes, I'm from Epping, brother. Oh. My hood, though, over my side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, your voice sounds really bad. And I was like, yeah, I don't have much of a voice. Can't really talk much today. Oh, I've though, over my side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like he's like, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, your voice sounds really bad. And I was like, yeah, like I don't have much voice, can't really talk much today. Oh, I've really got to rest. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you do for work, brother?

Oh. Oh, yeah, I've got a little, you know, digital production thing that I work for. And then he goes, oh, okay, that's good stuff, brother. Oh. Yep. Did you feel like you needed to do a reciprocal brother? Like was there any point where you're like,

is he just waiting for me to say it back? I think he was negging me for a brother, yeah. Yeah, like he's just like, come on, mate, like you can do it. Yeah, and then he said, like, so you got a girl? You got kids? And I kind of went to answer, but he hadn't said the brother yet. And so I was like, and then, okay, I'll be the barber. And this is like our comedy, but I don't think he was doing comedy.

So you answer as me, but leave the leave the pause okay you got a wife and kids oh yeah like all just does me too and it was so fucking awkward so i end up talking the whole time and so that's why you sound so good to that yeah Yeah, but then so you know how you were saying with their hair dryer, like it's really hard. Yes. So when they do like your beard and your mustache, you can't talk because I'll chop your fucking lip off.

Yeah. So he's asking me questions. It's like at the dentist. You know, the dentist goes, oh, so how about them hawks? And you go. So it's the same. He's asking me all these questions and he's brothering me up and then he's fucking.

While he's got the knife on your face. Yeah, fuck. So he cuts my hair. All good. Thanks, bro. Touch on the paint. Brother. And then I go, fuck, righto.

I'll get a coffee for me and Bridge and I'll head back home. Yeah. There's a bakery across the street from the barber. Is this the Miner's Gold one? No, no, this is in Eltham. This is Old Europa. Oh. And they do the best coffee and the best croissants.

You've had croissants from there. I have actually, yeah. Yeah. Miner's Gold's pretty good though as well, to be fair. Anyway, so I walk across. There's no, and no one comes in after me because, you know, there's no wait list at the bar. It's just like walk-ins. Yeah. And there's no one comes in after me because, you know, there's no wait list at the bar. It's just like walk-ins.

Yeah. And there's no one after me. So I'm across the street getting a coffee and fucking old mate. The barber. This is harrowing. He goes, oh, there's no customers. Maybe I'll go across the street and get a coffee. So after having like the most awkward conversation,

I go to line the thing and then he lines up behind me. Does he brother the guy at the coffee shop as well? Or was it just you? No, but there's a few people in the line. And then I'm standing next to him and we've done every, what suburb do you live in? Do you have kids? Like we've exhausted all of them.

All the small talks, John. If we just both look forward and just put our heads down. Just be cool. You know when you're kind of like, it's fine. I'm not going to be awkward if you're not awkward. Just fucking. Much on for the weekend, brother. Oh, he didn't.

In the coffee shop. To me. Leave me alone. He's still small talking me across the street. He's texting you right now. You're like, brr. Brother. Fuck.

I think he did brother the coffee person. He would have. He sounds like he's doing it to everyone. Yeah, I was going to say that the guy behind the counter, so the guy that does the coffee is like this real old Italian guy, so you know it fucking hits right. But the guy who's just taking the orders, he's a 15-year-old. It's their nephew.

It's always like a family affair. And I was going to make a joke about him sounding like a squeaky young 15-year-old, but I currently sound like a squeaky young 15-year-old. But he did drop that. He did drop that. Dropped a brother on there. G'day, mate. Long black, brother.

A long black. That's a cool coffee order though, isn't it? It is. Oh, he's really redeeming himself. Do you remember that a few weeks ago when I said I'm going to be a long black guy A long black. That's a cool coffee order though, isn't it? It is. Oh, he's really redeeming himself. Do you remember that week, a few weeks ago when I said I'm going to be a long black guy? I do. Yeah. Now you're sitting there with your six creamy coffees and your brother.

Yes, brother. Hey, it's Hannah from Toronto and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. a massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas ryan's on his 15th drink for the day so thank you very much i have to chase the hot the milk with the hot water you said it's a very specific order like back in the day when you used to have like five TV remotes. Yeah. And if you turned the third one on first, something would blow up. Well, that's what they told you. I don't know if that's actually true.

Oh, you can't put the audio on before the VCR switches over to TV mode. Yeah, like and that was a big thing. Sorry, Grandpa. If someone came over, you couldn't let them turn the TV on. Like you'd have to do it yourself. Anyway, Samantha Knutson. Thank you, Samantha. Marianne Noble.

Smarty pants. Stephanie Rocha. Inez Mueller. And sending lots of love to Jazz from her friends at HQ. Shout out, Jazz. Shout out, Jazz. Shout out. Brother.

Shout out. Well, saying brother has just reminded me that one day, for some reason, Tony Lodge decided to just start saying Waza. Waza. I did. I think I did it on an approval. I think we were calling someone for an approval and I just said,

Waza, or maybe you called me. Yeah. Like during the day. And I was like, Waza. And it's like you were a teenage boy for 24 hours. Yeah. I loved it. I still say it sometimes. Yeah, but just for some reason for this whole day, you just teenage boy for 24 hours. Yeah. I loved it. I still say it sometimes.

Yeah, but just for some reason for this whole day you just wouldn't stop saying it. Yeah. And I didn't hate it. It's so funny. And because when you do the tongue as well, it's good. It really catches you off guard. It does.

You have to be real. Like you have to know you're saying it before you say it. You've got to commit. Like it can't just fall out of your mouth. You have to like be ready with it. You can't go, oh, what's up? Like you have to be like, what's up? And that is the history of what's up.

And that's what it's like working with Tony Lodge. What is it like working day to day? It's like that. It's fucking great. Fairly unexpected. You never really know what's coming. Get home from the day at work and Bridget goes, oh, what kind of day at work was it?

And I was like, it was a wasp. And you go, wasp. It was a wasp kind of day. Guys, time for Mild Revenge. Oh, our favourite. Shout out to James McDonald who was the original Mild Revenger. We love James. Who was fired from a job or just like not renewed

and so he left his coffee cups on the sink instead of pushing them on the dishwasher in the company office. Yeah. Hail up them apples. Yeah. And they still can't believe it. Yeah. There's been that many memos sent out about that.

Yeah. Please put your cups in the dishwasher. Don't leave them on the side. Imagine if there's like a, you know, in the news, oh, Australian company announces liquidation. There's like cause. Liquidation? Ah!

What's up? What's up? What's up? Fuck. Liquidation. Ah, wassup. Wassup, brother. Fuck. Imagine people. When he followed you into the coffee shop, you should have been like, wassup. Like I feel like saying wassup like that is such a power move because people are so caught off guard.

So it would just take the power back? Yeah. So you're like, I've got to win. He's like, brothering me into a corner and I'm going to wazz out myself back out. Yes. It's a power move. I'm going to try that today. Yeah.

I'm going to go back down to that barber and just put my head in the door, drop a wazz up and fuck off. If that happened, people would talk about that for years. Would I be an urban legend? If you walked into a place and went, wazz up, and then walked out, people would be talking about that forever. I could be as famous as the guy that threw the chips into the train and got the pigeons to go in.

Yeah, except yours would have actually happened. What? What's up? Imagine you know you get on the train. It's a packed carriage, right? And you get on and you go, what's up? And then get off the train. Get off for the next day.

Do you reckon that would be an urban legend? That would be pretty crazy. Is an urban legend? Am I saying the right thing? I think so. Like a thing that people remember for years? Yeah, it's like a social story that's like happened in the community. I'm like, oh, that's a guy from Fox Breakfast.

They go, does he have a desk at Channel 7? Anyway, mild revenge. I saw that guy yesterday. Tim Watson. No, the guy. The guy from the cafe. Thank you, mother. Oh, I like that laugh.

That's a good Ryan laugh. I'm so sorry, everyone. If this is your first few episodes, I don't always sound like a piece of shit and we don't always just talk about being 13-year boys saying what's up that is not true joe says my partner and i split the chores around the house nice i do the laundry which includes folding and putting away the clothes whenever we have a disagreement i flip his socks inside out before i roll them into a ball when he unravels the socks to put them on that jerk will have to turn them back the right way before he puts them on i think that is good mild revenge because there isn't really any losers

well joe's partner no but joe also has to flip them flipping them the wrong way is just as frustrating as flipping them the right way two wrongs don't make a right. Yeah. Do you reckon the partner even knows? But isn't that the whole thing with mild revenge that they don't really know but they have to remedy it somehow but they don't really know that they've had to? Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Because you go, oh, I'll just turn this inside out. But it would be a real conspiracy chat if they went, Joe's done this.

Like that would be so fucked up imagine if you went to your therapist and you went i think my partner's turning all my socks inside out they'd go okay do you need a little vacation is your partner in the room right yeah like is everything okay at home fuck yeah that is such a yeah but that's the ultimate that's the ultimate gaslight though, isn't it? That's the 3 a.m. wake up. Yeah. Socks. What's something really subtle that someone could do and like not acknowledge but just do it like enough to like wig the other person out? I think that's probably a pretty good one. What about this?

Okay, hang on. You be the therapist and I'll be the patient. Okay. How can I help you? How are you feeling today? Yeah, good. Everything's going really normal except sometimes this random person just walks into my business and says, what's up?

And then fucks off. What's up? The therapist says it. Because with the what's up, that's the kind of thing. And then left. And then people are like, did that really? Like, it sounds like a made up thing. Okay.

Is the was up in the room? Yeah. My imaginary friend just like, well, I'm like imagining it like no one else acknowledges it. I'm like, did anyone see that guy just walk in and do a was up? Yeah. And then he's just like, what? Do you know what would really get me and would make me feel like. Sorry, this is just so stupid.

It is really stupid. I'll give me feel like. Sorry, this is just so stupid. It is really stupid. I'll give you a second. No, you go. Do you know what would really get me and would make me feel like I was part of like a Truman Show kind of vibe? Yeah. Is if every single time I picked up like the milk, it just like didn't have anything in it or only had that little bit

in the bottom where it goes like when you flick it. Yeah. And you go, is that empty again? So you go get a new one, put it goes like when you flick it yeah and you go is that empty again so you go get a new one put it on the bench and then it's just empty and then and then the next day when you go to make a coffee again you go fucking heck like where's all the milk going that would really that would start send me around and then the therapist goes what's milk and you know from cows and they're like what what's a cow? It's this huge, massive thing that just produces milk. And they're like, yeah, right.

And then I go, yeah, it's from ligma. And the therapist goes, what's ligma? And I go, ligma balls. What's that? And I'm in control the whole time. What has happened today? What has happened? I was going to say, let's get back on the straight and narrow,

but we have a comment here from Stanley Tucky, so I don't think it's going to go well for us. Oh, I love Stanley Tucky. I doubt it's from the Stanley Tucky. It might be a Stanley Tucky. In my college share house, we had our own cabinet in the kitchen. So each person, like that's your cabinet, you keep your stuff and blah, blah, blah. Your ramen, et cetera.

Yep. There's no et cetera. It's just ramen. Oh, yeah, true. Sorry. Instant coffee you keep your stuff and blah, blah, blah. Your ramen, et cetera. Yep. There's no et cetera. It's just ramen. Oh, yeah. True. Sorry. Instant coffee maybe? Oh, yeah.

Or a Kona. Yeah. International roast. Ugh. This one guy, my dad used to have international roast. Your dad would. He would 100%. Yeah.

A rod for the international roast. But this one guy always left his cabinet door open. Asking for trouble, isn't it? Not a huge deal, but one of the other guys one day in the middle of the night went to get a drink of water and just like bang, walked straight into it with his head into the cabinet door. Oh, I thought you were about to say that he was getting his stuff

stolen all the time, not that it was going to be a physical injury. I'd say. This guy walked into it and it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Like it's not a huge deal, but after a while you're just like, mate, can you just shut your fucking door? Like how fucking hard is it to, yeah. From that point on, every time the roommate left the cabinet door open,

we would close it but like stack up his stuff behind the door. I don't know if you did that in high school with the people that you lean their textbooks on the back of the locker. No, I didn't. So when they open the door. I wasn't cool. So when you open the door, it falls out. Yeah.

And the guy was maybe he was, you know, being wazzed up as well, but he didn't realize like someone was doing it. They heard him once go, why does that keep happening? He like just, it never clicked that like someone was doing it, they heard him once go, why does that keep happening? He like just, it never clicked that like someone was doing it. And they said it was sort of like, and it didn't stop him from closing, like leaving the door open, but it was like Pavlov's dog that he, like the repetition, he just got good at catching the stuff. And to the point where one day they didn't do it and he opened the door

and went, like ready to catch. Oh, no, but that's the long con, isn't it? It's the one where he goes, oh, why did I do that? Yeah, like, what are you doing, bro? And he goes, what? Yeah, and they go, what's up? We then said, oh, we've been doing that for a month to try and teach you to close the door.

And he went, oh. Oh, see, it's not fun doing that to people that don't care. Like, if you don't buy it back, then you go, oh, well, what was that for? No, he was like, oh, sorry, I'll just try and close it and then just didn't. And then he said we should have just removed the cabinet door. Taken the door off. Finally, Kedrian says, I love my mum, but she's annoying the shit out of me.

Must be nice. She loves Christmas and putting up the tree with all the ornaments on display you know it's really proud time uh-huh um but she was really fucking me off says cadrian so i got a few adult ornaments and started like placing them on the tree so like they don't really stand out until you look up really close yeah and mum was a type of lady that like have the girls from book club around and have the ladies from down the road for a cup of tea. Yeah, right. Ornaments include Santa getting sucked off.

Why do they make that? And Mrs. Claw's getting railed from behind amongst others, just hanging on the tree. Oh, my God. And I didn't say anything. And the lady's like, oh, that's a lovely tree, Janine. Oh. Oh.

I don't know what it is about the term Santa getting sucked off, but that is just so funny to me. It's like a sacrilege, don't you think? But the thought of Santa and Mrs. Claus, they don't do that. No, they don't have any children. You can have sex and not have children. Can you? I do it all the time. Wow.

You are living in the UK. Alright, what do you love to see, Tony? I've got a love to see here from Hayley Hershey, who sent it through on Patreon and says this has a very dull men's club vibe. Oh, excellent. Of you love to see it. My favourite town.

But as a public transport user, I know Tony and Ryan will appreciate this. The escalator at my train station has been under repair for months. We've only got one escalator to bring you to the platform and there's stairs or an elevator for you to like exit the station. So it's like escalator up but then you need stairs down or lift down. For the past few months, all the commuters are overcrowding the stairs and you had to like walk up the stairs every morning.

It fucking sucks. And Hayley very politely says, it's been an inconvenience. This morning I arrived at the train station and the escalator was fixed. It was totally replaced. It's a shiny brand new marvel of engineering, Hayley says. A marvel of engineering. That's what Tony's been doing on the weekends.

Yes, it is. Yeah, I've been fixing the escalator at the metro station in Washington, D.C. My commute, though, is an hour. So this sweet little surprise has made my day. You love to see that. It is the little things, eh? I agree. I think it's little things like going, oh, thank God that's working.

A new station, though. You feel like a new person. Oh, yeah. You get, like, real, like, rom-com main character energy when you're walking through, like, a new clean place. Yeah, a new train station. But, yeah, so a brand new escalator. Get out of it.

It's the same shit old station but brand new escalator. Thanks for sending that through. Yeah. I saw that and went, yes. Yes. Yes. Thanks, Hayley. Now, Esty Anderson.

Hi, Esty. Who we see regularly popping up in the comments, listens to the podcast. Now, I don't recommend this, but I also am in the position to tell you what to do with your life. Esty listens in the morning. Great. In the car with her six-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter.

Oh. Now. But I hope they just weren't listening to the Christmas ornaments part. Which part of that was bad? Well, like probably Santa getting sucked off. You know, or like Mrs. Claus getting railed from behind. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What part of that was bad? Oh, no, what if the kids heard the wazzah? My son has started saying tunnel brothers. He says it to his eight-year-old sister.

They don't know exactly what it means, but they know it's naughty. And they know they're not supposed to say it. They don't know what it means, but they know they're not supposed to say it. And then they say it and they giggle. That's very sweet. Yesterday, my eight-year-old daughter said, Mom, I actually now know what Tunnel Brothers means. What?

Yeah. And the mom went, oh, okay. And for those playing along at home, Tony, do you want to bring us up to date? No. So Tunnel Brothers is the term that was coined if two guys had fucked the same hole. Two penises had fucked the same hole. Did they fuck the same hole? That sounds so much worse.

Well, because it's not necessarily a vagina or a bum or like. It's just if two guys are hooked up with the same person, it's their tunnel brothers. Yeah. Anyway, so the daughter goes, I now know what it is. And so Esty obviously goes, oh, okay, what do you think it is? And she says, it's nostrils. They're two little tunnels on your face and they're really close,

like brothers. You're right. That is what it is. Oh, blast. Don't tell your brother. And then she said, as long as she doesn't start saying, I need to blow my tunnel brothers, I think we'll be okay. Yeah. The amount of stuff that's come out of my tunnel brothers over the weekend.

That's disgusting. In fact, I need to go blow some brothers right now. Okay, well. As you can tell. That'll do, I reckon. Thank you very much for listening. We're back tomorrow. Eight-year-old tarp.

Eight-year-old tarpers.year-old tapas family meeting yeah um board meeting yeah are we a family show um we are a family and we are a show but i don't think that means that we're family appropriate but like you said people are going to do whatever they i don't tell you how to live your life yeah i don't think that that means that we're family appropriate. But like you said, people are going to do whatever they. I don't tell you how to live your life. Yeah. I don't tell you how to parent your kids. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But also I think that you can't then message us and go, oh, well, my kids were in the car and heard this.

I go, well, every episode's pretty fucked. Yeah, what were you expecting? Yeah. It was really squeaky clean every episode. And then we talked about Santa getting sucked off. I'd go, you know what? I'll cop that actually. But when it's similar themes each day, do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know what you're saying. Question. Question. And people already know the answer to this. And people already know the answer to this. Is today's episode going to be called Was Up or is it going to be called Santa Getting Sucked Off? Let's discuss this over a frat boy. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Confessions tomorrow. Yep. And I think you know one of the confessors tomorrow. Oh. We're not going to name names, but I reckon you'll hear the story and you'll go, I know

who that is. Oh, okay. All right. All right all right well we'll find out tomorrow all right love you guys love you bye