Toni and Ryan - We Accidentally Booked A Couples Massage

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

Giggles at the spa - Monday mailbag - Recovered voicemail - love ya!!!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And that's when it really dawns on us that we have to both take our robe off. Yeah. And because I was uncomfortable, I said, don't look at my, you'll get a stiffy. Hi, I'm Danny and Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Hi, I'm Gillian from Palmerston in the Northern Church of Australia. Hi, I'm Jessica from Boston, Massachusetts. And I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast.

My name is Ryan. This is Dr. author bestselling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Happy Monday. Happy Monday. And some exciting news. Something is back. It used to be cool and it wasn't so cool.

Tony's been staunchly against it, but it's back. It is back. It is back. Charles, roll the tape. So what's your take? Hand drops over blow jobs. Hand jobs are better than blow jobs.

Hand jobs are better than blow jobs. 100% agree. Yes! Last time you saw a handjob in a movie. They took them out. Have they ever been there? problem is the porn industry wants you to believe that sucking is better than giving a handjob and it's simply not true and it's simply not true hand jobs are back hand jobs are back and what wasn't in

that clip was the line he said you can't make out with your partner and have them suck you off at the same time that is true and they said you can be smooching and jerkin but you can't be smooching and suckin dick but i'm kissing your dick Isn't that better? Isn't that the ultimate? I just think then isn't that just like, and I'm happy to... They have also said it's the summer of the hand drop.

The summer of the hand drop. Subway tag by the way, it's fantastic. I guess it is something that you could ease, like it's easier to do if you've got less like room or something. I don't know. I just, I'm like, oh, but that's just something you could do to yourself. That's just me jerking you off. Like you would.

rather jerk yourself off, you know? No, I don't think so. But doesn't it just feel the same as you jerking yourself off? Yeah, but it's like, I can rub my own leg, but if someone else massages my leg, it's not the same. That's a really good point. Like, you can't tickle yourself. Yeah.

Yeah. Quite literally. Yeah. Hang on. Yeah, and what a shame. Like, you can't tickle yourself. Yeah. It's the same when, like, you're at the hairdresser.

And they, like, do the, like, real, like. the pressure on your scalp, like the scalp massage. You can't really do that to yourself. The orgasmatron head thing. It's close, but you know, it's like the pressure. Oh, yes. Yeah. You can't do it to yourself.

I thought you were about to say, you know when you go to the hairdresser and they do your hair well and you can never do it as well. You said, oh, no, no, no. I was like true, but like kind of different. But like, they're trained in that. So it's like a little bit different. Yeah. Yeah.

You know how you can't like, yeah. Yeah. I think. if you would like a hand job, I'll give you one. Thank you. I just think that it feels nice to do something that like I can't do to my...

You can't, you know? Yep. It's like... It's a summer of the hand job. Yeah, and it feels like a summer affair. It does. Like, at the moment, it's fucking cold. Yeah.

It's fucking miserable. It's light in Melbourne right now from like 7.30 to 5 p.m. Like, it's pretty grim. Yeah. Well, last week we talked about... You're not getting a happy go lucky hand job. In the dark. In the fucking winter solstice.

Yeah. That's so true. Last week people. Suck my winter solstead. People were freaked out last week because when we were like, yeah, we have Christmas movies in summer. Yes. And the fact that they're talking about it's a hand job summer, but it's winter for us.

Yeah. Is getting sucked off a winter sport? 1,000%. Yeah. Because. There's your hot take. Yeah, that's a great hot take. Because I reckon.

It's cold. It feels nice to like snuggle up. You're close to each other. Put my cold dig in your warm mouth. Yeah. I'm like your little hot water bottle. And actually, you know what? Getting jerked off in the cold feels awful.

Yeah. Cold hands. Yeah, he's shriveled up. You don't want the shriveled up. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I think. Yeah.

think that that's the thing. It's that like hand jobs for summer, blow jobs for winter. I hardly know. Call that. That's the week of the show. Oh my God. Getting to the end of world's issues. Yeah.

Luckily, we're here to solve the big problems. Call in now if you've got something else. You like us to some. We're taking calls. Yeah. 13-1.66. You got something you want us to take care of? They can take live calls even though podcasts are not one.

Not live, yeah. But we don't want to make it too difficult for anyone. Don't break the fourth wall. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Fuck, sorry. That's going to just take me a second to... It's going to take me about six minutes.

To come? What? All your good works, I'm done now. Are we drunk? At a point in our friendship where me imagining you jerking me off just for the, like, to think of. about what we're talking about, is that weird or is that just like expected now? It's for work.

Thank you. Would you not complete a task at your job? Mm-hmm. Do you know? No, I don't. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah.

I just wanted to check. It's like how actors kiss on set sometimes. That's what I say to Bridget. It's exactly the same. There's a video of me humping you on a couch doing the round. There is. Yeah, I have heard that. And actually, that got edited out and he said, could we put that in back here?

Yeah. Yeah. Because I was there. Yeah, I've got the Slack message and we pay. So we don't lose messages past 90 days. Little internal chat that's reached on in. No, no, no, but we are continuing to pay. And it's the right choice for HR reasons.

To pay for Slack. Yes. We're also continuing to pay it for Otto that we don't use. Yeah, but that's because that was a clerical error on our end, not their end. I think they could give us the money back since we're not using their product. Was it like $15,000? No, no. But it was $4,000.

For nothing. So much money. Okay. For being two days late. Oh, eat my fucking odour. To a 30 day cancellation. Oh, and also it's basically one day late because of the time difference. I did try to play that time.

But also, we're not using your service. Just give us our money back. Like, what do you? Are you in the business of fucking people? They are. Well, fucking, it's the summer of the hand job. So get over it. Don't fuck me.

Jerk me. Oh, see, that's not good. Yeah, no. Jerk me doesn't rhyme. Don't spirk me. Just jerk me. Anyway, okay, sorry. Back to business, back to work, chat.

Don't scan me, hand me. Don't sling it in me, finger in me. That's a bit more of a reach around. Because it is the summer of the hand job. It's the summer of the hand chandel. Are we allowed to call this episode that Charles or is YouTube not going to like that? Can we call it the summer of the hand shandy?

Hand shandy, yeah. The H.J. Was it too close to Hungry Jack? H.J. Like, give me a BJ is different to HJ, isn't it? Slung us a hand j would you? Hand J. H.J.

Fuck. What would you? Do you know what I would probably call it most often because I'm still in year nine? A wristy? I like that. I would probably say, like, yeah, I was giving him a wristy. Yeah. I was giving him a wristy on the back.

of the two four one up to rolley stone i don't know why i've never said that phrase before i just need everyone to know that the word slinging goes before any just like sling me wristy oh then she slung me a hand job because you'd never say sling me a blow job but no because you're literally slinging it yeah sling something out of you yeah that's what it is yeah gotcha anyway hand jobs aside we got the giggles during the show last week during the you love to see it because of this sound effect and when you get the giggles, especially at the wrong time. Like, right.

Apologies to everyone involved. Yeah. And it happened to me again on the weekend. I went away with my best friend Tim. Sorry, second best friend Tim. I texted him the other day. Did you? And I said,

keep your fucking stinky mitts off. I did. I said, Hey, best friend, Steeler. Ryan here. That's very, he would have liked that. He would have liked that. I imagine.

And he said, can we be best friend sharers? And I said, no. Ever the peacemaker, Tim? Like, he's just like, oh, you know, could we share? Two boys fighting over me, ah, my dream situation. Anyway, so we went for a little weekend away. Tim had organized, like, all of these fun things for us to do, and one of them was a massage.

Really nice. Yeah, it was beautiful. And we rocked up at this stunning day spa. Nice. And you know, when you're, kind of like you go into the respective change rooms and then you hop in your robe and stuff then you sit in the little foyer room they give you a cup of tea and like the person comes over and he's like oh my god anyway so because tim had called up and said i am booking two massages they

gave us a couple's massage yeah yeah absolutely and so tim and i have been really good friends for 12 years i think like a really long time but we've never been in that intimate of a situation like We've been in some crazy situations together. But you're both nude in robes in a couple's fucking... Yeah, it's a lot. So we're sitting in this sort of thing and both of us like... And we get the giggles in the middle of this day spa. Are you getting massage or you still in the foyer?

We're still in the little foyer. There's other people waiting for their massage and all the other like rooms are around you and we're like, we need to fucking rain it in. Shut the fuck up. People are trying to relax and they're hearing. these giggling year-nine girls out there. Literally. And then one of us might have made the pun gay spa and that really set us off.

You know what? That is quite funny. It's very funny. So they go, oh, Tim, Tony, like, we'll take you through to the room. That's when we realise, like, for sure that it's a couple's massage. We're in the same room together that the two beds are set up right next to each other. Do you hold hands? We couldn't because we get in there.

They give us a cup of tea. And like, and they're like, oh, any areas of concern. Like, what can we? And it is honestly the most beautiful days where I've ever been in my life. And they go, we're just going to give you a minute to get undressed. And then we'll knock it. You know how they knock on the door? They go, you ready?

And that's when it really dawns on us that we have to both take our robe off. Yeah. Yeah. So we know that we're naked. Let's get those asses up, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Yes. And it really dawns up.

And we both just kind of go. Yeah, it got real, real quick. He got really fucking real. And we're kind of giggling. We're both obviously a little bit uncomfortable. Yeah. And I go, all right, like it's happening. This is fine.

And I take my robe off. Yep. And I kind of, I'm like not wearing a brow or anything, but I kind of like try and hold my boobs like this. Yep. And like kind of like, hop over to the little bed. Hop on the bed. And because I was uncomfortable,

I said, don't look at my tits, Tim, you'll get a stiffy. Both of them are. Lossed. And then all of us, like this beautiful day, so, hello, are you guys ready? And we're like, hopefully the beautiful couple is relaxed and not stiff. Are you guys ready?

They had to ask about three times we could not talk. both of us tears streaming down our faces. And they come in and they go. But like if they're massaging you and you're laughing, are you shaking on the bed? So they, you know how at the beginning sometimes they go, just take three calming deep breaths for me.

And they kind of like release a scent into the air. And I am coughing because I'm laughing so hard. The bed is shaking. I can hear Tim pissing. And they're like, is everything okay? Yeah, this is. Do you reckon they thought you were high?

I have, probably, probably. These two fucking people are just smoked a jazz cigarette downstairs. Because we like, we're just both like inconsolable. Yeah. And the fact as well that I had just used the word stiffy in 2026, pretty retro, pretty funny. Well, we've used to term risty and stiffy in the same episode today. So shout out to our 14 year old selves. And so we are just, and we cannot.

like calm down and finally like we kind of get into the rhythm we can't hear each other anymore so we start to like calm down but we just fully had the giggles and then as soon as they walked down do they acknowledge it um no they didn't say anything which was worse I think I think you gotta match the energy if you walk in and you're laughing they got to go oh hey guys good day happening in life they were just so perfect and because they're in the thing they're just like and three deep breaths and I'm like like like trying to and then as soon as they laugh Tim and I both like turn our heads look at each other and it's on for fucking all young and old again yeah we are pissing then we went back into that little foyer they're like would you like a little drink or

something and we're like we have to leave we need to leave like we are absolutely bothering every single person and i just thought how much funny it would have been like don't look at my tit you'll get a stiffy and then don't don't don't hi i'm julian from palmerston in the nolan territory of australia i'm danny and i'm diana and you're listening to tony right i'm A massive shout-out to a few of our champion typers over at our Patreon. Matthew Downey, good on you, Matthew. R.A. Elise, good on you. Thank you so much for being part of it.

Becky McKenzie. A couple of C-Ks in there, my God. L. Davis, good on your L. Noah Lupu. Thanks, Noah. Lindsay, Ruth, Hillary, Kligerman. Thanks, Hillary. And Sydney Wilkinson.

Absolutely love to see it. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Thank you. Last week on the internet, Tony Lodge was caught putting home rubbish in the work bin. And didn't we just have a giggle pretending we were on a car and affair and I was like one of those reporters chasing you down the street? Yeah. Whilst a crime was being committed, the comment section has taken a turn. Over the crime.

Yeah, because people were, where did you walk off to in that video? I ran up the stairs. And where was the camera? Oh, you zoomed right into my... It was like I was having another colonoscopy. Hot Ash from Perth in the comments. There's some damn fine junk in that trunk. Oh, thank you.

Normally, I drive around with the junk in my trunk for ages before I throw it out. So I appreciate that. Kim Ferguson, let me tell you, I bit jealous of Torbs after this video. Thank you so much. You didn't have to say that. You still did, so thank you. Rose, this video is half true crime, half fitness. influencer.

I did really run up the stairs. It was quite impressive. Because we normally have a rule in the office. Don't ask people questions when they get to the top of the stairs. Yep. You need to give them a minute? Give them a sec. Yeah.

Not me. I could have run back down again. And I didn't. So if you need a gas up, go check out that common section tone. Yeah. Okay. You're very popular over there. I've got some coincidence chat here from Alison.

Lions. I love it. Thank you to Ryan for talking about Little Disasters that TV show. I think it was on Prime or Paramount or something and now it's on Ivy but the one about the mystery. Yes. I actually, I should have watched that

on the weekend. I totally forgot about that. Alison Lyons. I was the costume designer for that show. What? That's so sick. Tapper in the wild. Yeah, we filmed it two years ago. I only missed one day on set. She missed one day on set. And that's because I took a day off to see you guys in London.

It was Alison who brought us the Colin the Caterpillar. Oh my God. Which we fucking destroyed later that night. It was delicious. But that's Alison. So she was the costume designer of the show that I was talking about took a day off to come and see us. That is the ultimate coincidence chat. That blew my fucking mind.

That's crazy. I remember meeting Alison as well now that you show me a photo Yeah Because I was like She does look familiar I remember this And then I saw the colon and I was like

She was our favourite That is so wild Yeah Is it an English show? Yeah Or it's set in London Oh I doesn't really say in London

Oh When you said rightly or wrongly When you said I've you I just assumed It was Australian Yeah Because I They normally are Like on if they're on ABC

I don't know why or who's done the sneaky deal. But it's almost like British shows will end up on Iview. And they, Australian stuff and English stuff. We pretend that we support the Queen and the King and you send us good TV after the first 12 months. Sure.

And that's the deal they made in the 1940s. Yeah. And so, yeah, we'll put it on Ivy. They go. Yeah, TV. That's never going to catch on in the 1940s. Yeah. What am I going to do?

Sign up to Britbox? What a fucking judge. Britbox is. Can't that go fuck itself. Brit box? Fucking shitbox. Fuck off. I was just thinking that as I was like,

what happened to Brit box? Shitbox. I don't know. A single person that has Britbox. Yeah, I don't, no, you don't need it. It is still a thing. Lina Judy,

that was an excellent show that I watched it on Netflix. The cleaner. Oh, you can watch BBC Live. No, just those three times. No, no, see, $14 a month. You get a seven-day free trial. I've got ABC Ivy for free and I can get the shit 12 months later.

Oh, do they have Oz box in Britain? I don't know. Or if they do, have they come up with it? It's probably called like Ozzy Eski or something and they fuck as Australian TV. A show out of the Eski which is sweet. Ombox is a vending machine company here in Melbourne.

Ozbox. Osbox. It sounds a bit like where you would get ice from at a servo. It does. Like you go in there and you go, come I get three bags of ice and they go, yeah, yeah, it's just out in the Ozbox. At all? Yeah. Don't you reckon.

And that sentence in which you used it is the perfect. Yeah, I'm basically urban dictionary. I also thought of, you know how up the street there's like a store that no one works out? No, I don't like that. It's a vending machine for ice creams. That feels like it could be Oz box. Oh, yeah, you don't even need to man the store. you just get an Ozbox.

Or like, where Osbox Limited? We supply vending machines. If that isn't a front, I've never seen it. Do you know what I mean? Well, that's why I said the test. We, I've said this off air. The test is if the ice creams are good. Because if the ice cream suck,

then it's clearly a drug front. But maybe. But it might still be. But maybe. The lasagna was pretty good. Do you know what I mean? It was. And that was, don't off us.

Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. And everyone on the north side, of Melbourne knows what you mean. Also, we were hot on the recommendations last week, because as I went through the mailbag, everyone who watched Widows Bay was like Tony, fucking great call.

I'm so glad because I wasn't sure whether to recommend it or not because I wasn't, I wasn't sure. Someone said I watched the first two didn't like it. Tony said, trust me, get to the fourth. So they finished the fourth and they were like, she was right. The fourth episode was really, really good. Yeah. Points for recommendations.

The other recommendation was voicemails for. Isabel. Everybody was gassing you up about that. Now, Sarah, message through, Hi, Sarah. This ends nice. So,

dun dun. Dun, uh, my big brother died a few months ago, said Sarah. And he was like a, a second dad because he was 18 years older, you know,

it was like that kind of relationship. Yeah. What older is your brother than new? Uh, 14 years, I think, 14 or 15 years. So is that very protective energy when you're little and stuff? Yeah.

Um, and her, uh, Sarah's dad also, passed away a few years ago so she's been having a bit of a rough pass. Sarah. But Sarah had a voicemail from her dad from her birthday a few years prior and I was like, oh hey, it's calling her today.

Happy birthday. Love you, sweetheart. Like, I'll give you a call later. Yeah. And she's still, and every year she would use that, like we'd go and listen to that old voice mail. That's so beautiful. Now, because Sarah is crafty, she's always looking for ways to save cash as we all are

in these times. And she didn't realize, but she, like, found a better phone deal. And when she changed providers, the voicemail went. Yeah. Isn't that? And you just, like, the last thing you'd think about. Yeah. No, you absolutely wouldn't.

So anyway, 24 months passed and the deal's up. And then her old providers got her like, oh, you know, three months free. And she goes, oh, well, so she signs up to the old one again. And it, the voicemails. back. Isn't that amazing? And she said, this is only happened in the last few days.

And her birthday is, is today Monday the 6th? Yeah. Happy birthday, Sarah. Happy birthday. And she's like, I'm going to read that voicemail. I'll listen to that voicemail again.

It's back. Also, no one tell Charles it's the 6th of the 7th. Charles, Sarah's dad is dead. And her fucking brother. You need to fucking calm down. I thought you were going to say that they let her download. it because there's a few people that I know who have like whose mums have died and they've

been able to download the voicemail message that's like hey in my case well you know um i called Tony yesterday and got the voicemail and boy was eye for a rude awakening and I was there when it happened you're welcome whoa yeah but that you could so it's like one part of like their voice whatever but that is a way better like that's so spooky amazing I love that. So not only for Sarah, does she get the voicemail back, but it's also the summer of... The hand job.

So what a huge win. You're in for a fucking treat. What a day. Sarah, unless you're on our end of the world where it's cold and it's not summer. Yeah, it's the winter of the suck. Yeah. It's not a suck off summer. Oh, I wish it was suck off summer.

Yeah. It rolls off the tongue. It really does. That's a shame. That's all right. get there. But thank you for that beautiful story, Sarah. And so she obviously watched voicemails for Isabelle and it was pretty close to home.

Yeah. So maybe not the time to recommend that. Well, I haven't watched it yet and I don't think I will. I think I will, but I don't think I will right now. I think that probably. Yeah. Fair. Yeah.

Fair. Now, I've got to you love to see it here. And Charles, get the sound effect ready. And Jess Somerville. Hi, Jess. I have an abscess in my asshole and tomorrow it's going to be drained Oh

You'll love to see it says Jess Instead of done done though it's bum bum Bum Bum Or where are you getting it drained from Bum bum That is great Yeah

What's an abscess Is it like I don't even know what that is But it's just Oh no that's not quite right But it's like full of yuck Like a boil? Yeah.

Like a big boil? Kind of. In your bum or like on your bum? I have an abscess in my asshole. Oh, so like actually inside. Fuck. That would really be painful. Because I think an abscess is...

An abscess in the bum is a painful localised pocket of pus and infected fluid. That forms neither anus or rectum. Throbbing pain. That's amazing. So thanks for DMing. me, Jess. Appreciate it. That's great.

Summerville, if you want to see photos before and after. We love to celebrate the big and little wins here at Tony Mnheim. I've really loved to see it here from Natalia Wilson. And it might be a sign for us to stop saying crazy things like Wankoff Winter and whatever fuck else you said because Natalia just rewatched our live stream from when we were decorating your birthday cakes. Yep. So a little bit ago, we went live in Patreon and we celebrated Ryan's birthday.

created some cakes. Yep. And Natalia... Some better than others. Some better than others. And Ryan's was the best. Natalia said, I've just caught up and re-watched the live stream of you and Ryan making birthday cakes. And our nearly three-year-old copied his very first naughty word.

So they were watching it. And their son was watching. My three-year-old was there as well. Charles, would you please be able to play... Jack, what did he say? Can you sit? It's what? What?

Candle sets. So you said, these candles are shit while we were trying to light them. And baby Jack. Play that again? Jack. Jack, what did he say? Candle six. It's what?

You said. Jack proudly copied it and said it with gusto and his dad and I about word ourselves. You can't. Whoa. Jack. React when they swear. Yeah, you can't, right. Oh, sorry.

because it encourages them but you just, every part of your being wants to explode because they're comedic timing those little kids are fucking they just dominate. But they just,

and when they say it in content, like the right usage or whatever. Yeah. Pissing. We told Mabel before the live stream like, hey, got to be quiet, sweetie. And then she got up and about and we're like, let's give her a microphone.

Yeah. And I go, hey, Mabel, say hi to everyone. She goes, hello everyone. Because we told her that she had to be quiet. I was like, no, you don't have to be quiet now. You can say hello. and she goes, okay, hello. It was very cute.

She didn't get it. But yeah, so Jack, thanks for listening. Sorry, Jack. But Natalia, thanks for being such a good sport about it. Sorry, Natalia, sorry, Jack. She was like, can I send you the... I was like, please send it to you. I need to hear this.

It's so fucking cute. That is amazing. Sorry, sorry. 18 plus. Get that on big jobs, don't you? You do. You do. Oh, tomorrow in Confessions.

Mm. Multiple, multiple people have sent through the same story because they said this happened on the pod and after hearing it, this happened. And many people have said it and it's all our fault. Did we tell the future? No. No.

Okay, sorry, I thought for a second, maybe we'd... Like, if you got one of these, you'd be like, huh. But then you get a few and you go, oh. Like, dare I say it, it's a trend. A trend? We've never been part of one of those. I know. How wonderful.

Yeah. And one of them has called themselves anonymously Pavlov's Tapper. Oh. All will be revealed. All right. Amazing. Tomorrow. And tomorrow night, I believe there is a live stream.

There's a Craftonoon live stream. Tomorrow night for Champion Tarpers inside a Patreon. If you want to check it out, all the details are already posted, but we'll be live tomorrow night. Fun, fun, fun, fun. All right, love you. See you then. Love you. Bye!