Toni and Ryan - We Found The Ultimate Car

Episode Date: March 1, 2026

Medical comedy update - Limo hot take - Calling Ryan's Mum - love ya!!!!!https://www.instagram.com/pictureprint.studio?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The is the ultimate car. There is nothing a lot that can't do. Oh, except do a U-turn or fit in a car park. Yeah. Okay, so there's a few limitations. Hi, I'm Chris from St. Louis, Missouri and the US. Hi, I'm Kate from Thai of Australia. Hi, I'm Vanessa from Denver, Colorado.

And I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is best-selling Dr. Arthur, Tony Lodge. Hello. who is definitely awake and with us today. No, being bullied on the, in the workplace. My name is Brian. Coming up today, we've got some medical comedy.

We've got an answer for those who are considering shaving their buttholes before a colonoscopy. Oh. And also hot take Tony will be entering the villa later on today. But so. Also, very quickly, the kid rung the bell again. Just update. Everyone's asking. the punk-ass little bitch

he has run the doorbell again. Yep. That's okay. Okay. We persist. Yep. We have a plan. Great.

More on that later this week because we've got to get to the bullying. Well, you know how sometimes you just see a photo and the more you look at it, the funnier it gets. I totally agree.

So when Jesse was here, the golden ticket tarpa, he flew from Dubai to spend a week with us in Melbourne. Apparently this was like a photo that we took it in the airport and I it looks like Tony seen a ghost or she's just realized

it's not even a photo it's a screenshot from a video so I'm like mid sentence I think oh okay which is why my mouth looks like that it looks like like does this specific look yeah this specific look is when someone tells you you've got an IQ of 12

and you just go that does feel about right I go, it's actually 10. I look like I've just been like stung by eight wasps. And I'm like, oh, not again. Yeah. I like it. It's set the tone for today. I hope not.

For those of you who are new to the show, let me tell you about victims of medical comedy. Basically, you want to break the ice with the doctor. Yep. You do a bit of a joke about whatever you're talking about. And the doctor gives you nothing because they've heard it all before and they don't give a fuck about your joke. You are therefore a victim of medical comedy. Yeah.

And I think that we, the first time we talked about this was that like, yeah, like you said, you're trying to break the ice. And you just want like the bedside manner a little bit because you're feeling so nervous. And the doctor's like, they're busy. Yeah. They don't have time to maybe laugh. But you just really need some support in those moments. And being a victim is obviously that you aren't supported. Yeah.

Now, Cussie, I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Oh. Which I think makes it worse when you get nothing. Because I'm like, oh, sometimes you hear stories and you go, wow. Yeah. Well, you really do. Yeah. But this is so bang on.

Yep. So bang on. She was getting her wisdom teeth out. Yep. I started to feel the effects of the anesthesia. What do you, is that, do I say that right? And it's the, like, you know, they're knocking you out. I don't know.

I would say anesthetic, but I think they're the same thing. And she said, like, because you know how like, they put that first one in and you start to get, you go, whoa, okay, and then they kind of. Then they go, count back from 10, you go, too. And then you do that face. Yeah. So. The one that really freaks me out is like, um, I think years ago, it was like someone went in for

a, I pretty sure I remember watching this on like today, today, tonight, like a current affair kind of show. Yeah. And someone went in there for like their right knee to be replaced and they woke up and their left knee had been done. And then so people, they're like permanent marker and stuff. So when we get our colonoscopies, is there going to be a big arrow to the butthole? So I'd be like this one. I had to do my like admission because you've got to do it like a week before you go in or whatever.

And I was just doing that. And it's like, oh, is there, what are you being admitted for? And I was like, oh, colonoscopy. You like just right thing. Yeah. And then it's like, oh, is it on the left or the right side of the body? and I went, well, that's a great question. Sweetheart is right up the middle.

So I just put NA, not applicable. Not arseal. No, that's the worst thing you could have done. Middle asshole. So Cussie's going in to get her wisdom teeth out. She's starting to feel the effects of the anesthetic. Yeah. And she goes, oh.

And you have as all, you know, they're all the doctors are standing in. Yeah. They're like above you. Like, you're looking out like this. And she goes, oh, does anyone need anything while I'm out? that's very funny nothing and they all went and then she's like I've passed out in shame I hadn't even had that aesthetic yet yeah but she's just like nothing and then they're like three two and she's just like just give me that why that's so funny does anyone need anything while

I'm out and because I isn't fair to say most of the time that if I'm not going out to the cafe or something like oh does anyone want anything while I'm out yeah what yeah so it's just a different situation isn't it yeah well at home I anytime I leave that does anyone need anything do we need anything out may move how you doing bridge how we looking for milk you know all the stuff yeah and as someone who is that while I'm out I saw this and I was like well she's she's literally speaking my language yeah and getting daggers dougars donuts what's Donuts. Like zero.

Oh. Have you not heard that saying before? You know what? He's out getting donuts. Great. Everything's making sense because during COVID, because in Victoria, it was so bad. Sorry, this is normally a COVID-free zone. But during COVID, we were tracking cases really closely in Victoria because we were having so

many people. And when they said donut days, I never knew what that meant. So when they go out to donut day and you went, great. I just went, oh, okay. But then they would be like, there's zero case. I'd be like, oh, wonderful. Like, so I thought it was like two separate things. You wouldn't believe your chances, zero cases and donuts.

What a great, darling. This is a great outcome. Yeah, no, I've never thought. That's amazing. What a great day. I'm always learning here. That's just the wonderful thing about life, isn't it? We're always learning.

We are always learning. But I think is there room in our lives for when we, we don't know to unashamably ask. Unashamedly. Exhibit A. What did I just say? Yeah. You know what I mean?

When you're not sure. Yeah. No, I think there is room, but like, I think that also sometimes I just go, oh, I don't need to know. Like,

I'm at capacity. Yeah. Curiosity. Nyante. Yeah. Donuts. But also sometimes I am curious and I ask. I mean, people go,

oh, I wouldn't worry about it. And I go, oh, so then I just stopped asking. stuff because I go, someone's going to be like, don't worry about it. And then I'm going to go, oh, okay. As someone who's told you to not worry about a lot of things, I feel like I've cost you the joy of Donut Day. Yeah. And I'll never say don't worry about it.

That's not true. I'm going to stop myself right there. Yeah. Hey, thanks for being self-aware. Hey, don't worry about it. But I reckon that that is one of the reasons why then I just go, oh, someone will tell me not to worry about it, so I'll just leave it. Great call.

Slate a day. No, it's not a great call. Yeah. No. Let the world come to you, you know. So true. Yeah. Last week, because we are, we're both booked in for colonoscopies.

Tony's is sooner than mine. Unfortunately, we're not going in together. Yeah, that wasn't possible. Yeah. And they didn't like that we kept asking. No. They're a bit, yeah, why do you keep, is that your wife? No.

Who is that? Just a girl from work. Just to go. We just thought we do this together, you know. I love referring to you as a guy from work. That's very funny. Thank you. I sometimes refer to jobs as my housemate.

He doesn't, do they like that? He's like, bitch, I spent a lot of money for that thing on your ring, on your finger. The least you can do is not call me a roommate. Like, I've said it to the posty before. Like, you know when sometimes they ask me to sign, I go, it's for my housemate. Like, I'll sign for my housemate. And they go, okay. Tony, Lodge.

I just think he's so funny. And what I don't know how to say he's on the couch and you're at the door. I think he thinks it's funny. Oh, okay. And then he doesn't just go, oh, like, I hit that sometime still though. Yeah, like sometimes we fuck. It's not my boyfriend. He's just my roommate who I fuck sometimes.

Yeah, my ex-boyfriend, just technically is, I guess. I don't know where the fuck I read this, but someone, the part, they broke up, but the boyfriend and girlfriend broke up, but they had a banging one-bedroom apartment with a great view and neither of them wanted to really give it up. Because they're like, well, they're like, it'd be silly for us to move out. Like, it's such a great apartment. Yeah. Like, we've got a good deal.

Like, the rent's not too bad. considering the view of both like obviously this hasn't worked but like who gets the place and so they just went fuck it we're both staying she kept the bedroom and he slept on the couch um and that that's and they just became roommates but sleeping on the couch for like obviously if you need a place to stay or whatever yeah you know but you couldn't sleep on the couch all the time now i know where i read this from it was the perspective of this girl who starts dating a guy who lives with his ex and sleeps on the couch. So he's like, oh, come around, I'll, like, cook your dinner.

And she's like, oh, okay, that sounds real cute, you know, I'll have a wine and he's going to cook a bit. And Mel will be here. And he fixes her up and plate because, you know, you're not just going to, like, cook a meal in a one bedroom apartment and not offer your roommate one. I always cook for my house, mate. Yeah. And then she's there, like, you know, like, we had a little smooch and then, like, the ex

is there. She's like, well, I'm going to go to bed. Like, goes to the room. went just on the couch and then she's sort of waiting for the light let's go into his room and then it's like surprise you're already there the whole apartment's my room that's pretty cool yeah look i get to sleep the lounge a middle time yeah yeah i can watch tv before bed yeah she's onto a winner there i think yeah that's great um but one of the biggest things about us getting a colonoscopy was this discussion of should we be shaving our butt holes well yeah now there's obviously

the cosmetics of a shape the sorry the optics of a cleanly shaven butthole sure yeah for cosmetic reasons yeah and then we also discuss the like can they get through to do what they need to do yeah like how's it looking yeah um well i've never seen like never seen my own ass how i'm not that flex i'm pretty flex but i'm not that flexed i'm pretty flex but i'm not that flexed the old you know mirror squat kind of check out what's going you know Have you done that? No, I just read about it. Was it in the same story where the girl lived with the eggs?

Well, say I'm holding an iPad right now. Just put the camera on and just, you know, sort of. Like, safe space. I haven't done that. I haven't done it with the vagina either. So you know how we're in Jakarta? They have those poles with the mirror on it. So they check if there's a bomb underneath the car

when you rock up to the fancy hotel. You call one of those in your bathroom. It's on one of those antenna legs. Gender. Yes, I just sit there and... How's looking? I'm just like, I know what I look like from this angle. You know what I mean?

Have you seen? I think there was this thing. It's like, the back of my head is none of my business. Like, I style the front of my hair, but the back of my hair, it's none of my business. I just think that my asshole is just someone else's business. Jeremy said... Charles is. Yeah.

Someone else has to deal with that. Your roommate. Yeah. A housemate. Jeremy says, don't. Do not shave the butthole before a colonoscopy. It'll be red raw by the time you spent 24 hours shitting for the prep. Don't add shaving friction to the mix.

That is really good advice. What about waxing? Because where are we out on the waxing counter? Well, Jenny says don't wax either because often, you know how your skin might be a bit raw or a bit torn up for a little bit? Well, remember your chest? Yeah. You didn't react to wax.

very well. No, my body doesn't like that. Did you, now, be honest. Always them. Is Jenny, when I'm lying? Is Jenny a real person? Oh, everyone says, don't do it. And Jenny from research, says.

We said if we got to 760,000 YouTube subscribers would wax my butt hole. Yeah. If we got to it pre-colon, like, this isn't just a free-for-all waxing asshole deal. Yeah. It was pre-colonoscopy. I don't think we're going to make it. for a little influx. Yeah.

I think we're safe. But everyone's actually saying don't because they're like, because of the actual colonoscopy thing. No, that's really good advice. It might be read. I've also just heard that the prep is like rough. How rough could it be though? Someone who's always shitting.

Is it just going to be another day? So people keep messaging and being like, it's so bad. The stuff is so gross. You really have to be near a toilet. I just don't think it could be that bad. But then I'm reminded of that family guy episode where they go like, Oh, I wouldn't throw up if I had Ipacac like that,

and then they all throw up on each other. Who wants chowder? But if you've got a TV in your bedroom. Yep. If you angled that towards the onsuit, would you just settle in? Oh, you've got to be near the bathroom? Sure. There's one in my house.

There's multiple. Tony's got three toilets. Yeah, I do. So just sit. on one, turn the TV around, pop an episode of New Girl on. I would like that. You know? Like, how bad could it be?

Question also, are you shitting all that out and then you're not allowed to eat? Because I'm going to, then you'd be so hungry. You'd be, yeah, empty. Because you're fully empty and then you can't eat. Yeah, I don't think you're eating because you want to, you are, the point is to be empty. Yeah. Oh. And you get a little sandwich after and everyone says that will be the yummer sandwich you've ever had.

Danny, is. Is it that bad? And not necessarily the taste of the prep stuff, because I've heard that that's disgusting, but the actual situation. The prep stuff actually wasn't that bad taste-wise. It was like lemon lime for me. It was kind of nice.

I've got Pico Prep Orange. But it's pretty bad. Like your shitting water. And it feels like hot water is coming out your asshole. Isn't that nice sometimes? You know, like a little bidet. Yeah. A reverse bidet.

A bidet coming. coming from the inside. You feel empty, but it's like, it's the worst, like, few hours of your life when it's, like, coming. Like, it just won't stop. It's like, like a tap. Like, it's bad. It sounds like it's going to be a bit satisfying.

Yeah, same. I'm like, oh, you're starting from zero. Yeah. Started from the bottle now we're here. You know how they say it's good for your mobile phone to, like, let it run the battery to run out, then you fill it up from scratch? So surely it's good for my tummy to just, like, go to empty. Oh, you be sitting there for hours.

I do that every day. And then, you know, get that little sandwich and start her up again. Yeah. What's a good movie for shitting yourself? Besides Big Daddy by Adam Sama. I think that movie's a bit too sad for while you're feeling a bit vulnerable. Oh, okay. Because there's like sad bits in that film.

Yeah, but, you know, the highs and lines of drama. Yeah, you want to go through the way, ride the waves. Yeah. I reckon. Don't say ride the waves also. Oh, yeah, true. Sorry. I reckon the movie knocked up.

Great film. Yeah. Yeah, it is a bit funny. A bit heartfelt, a bit funny. A bit silly. Sitting on the toilet. Maybe I'll just take an iPad in and watch the movie. I think this is going to be a great day.

I don't know that you're supposed to sit on the toilet for the whole time. Isn't that bad for you to just like keep seeing on a toilet? What are you going to do? Sit on a toilet, sit on a seat. They're all the same fucking thing. So true. I've got my squatty potty ready. Yep.

So I'll be, I'll be equipped. Garth said it's not a good day, but it's preventing an even worse day and I'm so proud of you. Oh, Garth. He said, I always think about it as maintenance for the body, just like getting our car service from time to time. Yep. Except my mechanic really sees inside my ass off. Poo Kantic. Yeah.

And Sophia said, my gynecologist. has seen... Wrong one. Sorry. Wrong side. So I got to get a cold mask. I got to get a cold mask. We've got to get a cold mask.

Yeah. Yeah. My doctor. Yeah. Has seen more of me than my best friend has. Yeah. I think that's probably fair. But not as much as the guy from spring break in Florida has.

That guy doesn't know how lucky he got it. Yeah. How much percentage wise, how much of your body do you think I've seen? This is actually kind of a fun question. How much of my body do you're percentage wise? Oh, I've seen a fair bit of you. I've seen a fair bit of you as well. Yeah, I reckon you've seen. Can we say at the same time what we reckon we've seen of each other? Okay.

Do you reckon, have you got a number? Yep. Like a percentage? Yep. three two one ninety six oh interesting yeah

I haven't seen you with your foreskin pulled back so that's why that's why it lost a couple of points yeah but does that count as internal or external

because you haven't seen like my organs march oh so does that mean it's just the one skin's the biggest body on the organ fuck

fuck does the Is the internals count Charles, do you reckon? No, because then we would have seen barely none of it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you're 92.

I said 92 because I haven't seen inside your four skin and I haven't seen your ball sack act. Oh, yes, I have. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How many pull handstands does a guy need to do? Yeah. That's like, I was thinking, do you remember that episode where you were like I

haven't done any watching and you were wearing your budget stuggles and you pulled your pants down and your nut was hanging out? No. I can't forget. Never forget. Oh, yeah. You want me to fill of the footage? No, no, it's actually fine.

Thanks for offering, though, Charles. No, I do remember doing a hand-sent in the pool in Toronto. That's when I saw the other one. So that's where I got the 2% both nights. Yeah, that's nice. But then I haven't seen, I've seen like the top of your butt and butt crack, but I haven't seen your whole butt. So you're saying that my whole butt is about 8% of my body?

Yeah. Okay. I think that's probably about fair. Yeah. Charles, can you Google what percentage of the body's exterior is butt crack? Google it and then say hypothetically. It's saying Google's saying like 10%.

Oh. Okay. I can't believe Google gave you an answer. I can't believe we're not the first philosophers to ask this question. That's it. So about 10%. Yes, I was about right. I'm not saying 5%.

is but it's also like referencing reddit so like now that's if any website would know it's reddit from first hand experience it would be reddit and if anybody had ever had this conversation and documented it it would happen inside reddit yeah so yeah i'm staying with 96 i'm sticking with my 92 i'm sticking with 96 because i've seen a lot but you haven't seen my whole bar oh remember that time in the hotel we should stop going to hotel pools um when I won't, I'll leave some details out, but we were in the pool in Jakarta and you were doing some posing. Oh my God, above the cemetery. I was leaving that out.

Tony Mooned a bunch of Indonesian dead people. No, I didn't. No, that's not what happened. I just. She put her butt on the glass of a high rise and I was like, we were taking slutty pictures and then we realized that there was a cemetery underneath and that felt. Yeah. Well, look like park lands from the...

Because it was so high, oh. Yeah, and then I was like, I don't think that... Like, I think that's a cemetery. Yeah, then we're like, God, why aren't there more trays and stuff? Because it was all concrete. Yeah, so RIP. And I hope that you're having a beautiful afterlife. Well, they are now.

Imagine if I died, that's the view I'd want to go to heaven with, you know? So you've seen my whole butt from that. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. I'll pay that. All right. See you.

Thank you. Hi, I'm Chris from St. Louis, Missouri and the US. Hi, I'm Kate from Thai, is Jaya. Hi, I'm Vanessa from Denver, Colorado, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpas over at our Patreon. We post exclusive stuff over there every Saturday. So there's a few new things.

And also, you can go back and watch all the old tarpaathons and stuff like that. So if you're new to the pod, like maybe you've just started becoming a tarpa, but you want to see the old stuff that we've referenced, it's all in there. You can see from Saturday, Jesse, who was the Golden Ticket Tapper. He flew all the way from Dubai to come hanging out with us. A way to get from, like, new acquaintances to deep besties real quick is he opened his saved videos and we watched, like.

And it was a great dump. It was a great dump, but you do learn a lot of, like, that's opening up those folders. That's very vulnerable. Yeah. Seeing someone else's algorithm, you're like, oh, I'm allowed to watch this? I loved Jesse so much. We were texting all weekend. He's so great.

Did he appreciate that? Well, he kept replying. Okay. But there were replies like, oh, thanks, mate. Nah, that we were like fully chatting. Oh, now I feel left out. Good. I had telling to share with him and I was like, is that weird?

And then I didn't know that old lodge over here is bombing him up. No, I texted Charles like, as soon as we left the pub on Friday, I was like, oh, can you send me Jesse's number? And I'd send him a text. So you can gas him up. Yeah. And then he checks me again. yesterday because they were on their way leaving Melbourne.

Anyway, massive shout out though to a few of our champion Tappers. Bristol, Bristol, Lindsay Riddle. Thanks, Lindsay. Jordan Caesar. Oh, the best kind of salad. Stacey DeClerc. Emily, good on you, Emily.

Ashley Watts. Is she a clerk? Like, is that her job? I don't think so because it's like D-E-K-L-E-R-K. Like I think it's genuinely... It's like on Tony the podcast. I know I'm thinking about Jackie to Clerk. Yeah.

Yeah, everybody into clerk get tipsy. Ah, ass, ah, ass, ah. You could be a great. You know, and you eat lasagna. It's too hot. You're like, ah, ah,

you could be a great addition to a rap posse. You don't mean that. I do mean that. That's really nice. Like, because sometimes you just need like a little John who's just not going to give you. Okay. Yeah.

Who's not going to give you any full bars, but you just need some like energy and noise. boys in the right places. I can spit some bars, though, I feel. Yeah. I can wrap fast. All right. I want you to do the heavy breathing part of everybody in the club gets tipsy.

Yeah. And then I want you to do someone who's just had hot lasagna to the tune of everyone in the club get tipsy. And we'll see if there's a difference between the two. I've just had a hot slice of lasagna. Everybody. That sounded pretty good, I think. It was very good.

Emily, good on you, Emily. Ashley Watts, Ashley what? That's because I'm in a rat posse now. Elise, good on you, Elise, Ainsley Allen, Sarah Hemming, Jemps 868, Charlotte Haywood and Chelsea Rinaldi. My primary school principal was called Mr. Rinaldi, and he was such a babe. Really?

He was so sweet. He was like the most lovely man. Oh, isn't that nice? Sorry, Mr. Rinaldi. Very sad. Keith passed away. Yeah, really sad. But beautiful, beautiful man.

Really beautiful. Don't a, doesn't a good teacher just stick with you forever? Yep. My mom ran into one of my old teachers. Oh yeah? And, um. How'd that guy? Well, so I like got along well with some and like didn't get along well with some others.

That doesn't surprise me at all. Yeah. And, um, mum said to this teacher, oh, Mr Cabell said Ryan would never amount to anything to his face when he was in year 11. And then the teacher goes, he would say that. He's an asshole. sounds like he's not capable of anything oh yeah i'll fucking kill him yeah i'll hit him with my car when i was in year 11 he goes

what do you want to do like after school and i mentioned university and he went and now you've got a motherfucking MBA you went to three universities yeah but that that can go multiple it's like he had to go to three different places to finish that one it's like i went to three universities three degrees no I was expelled from two of them. There's got to be careful about the language there.

Yeah, sorry. You can not. He's so good at driving. He went to his driving test six times. I did mine like 10. And look at me now. Very capable. How many times did you pass on the first guy?

No, genuinely, I think I passed on my six or seventh go. Really? Because I just, it wasn't that I, well, everybody,

oh, it's not that I'm a bad driver. It wasn't that. It was that I was like too cool. Like they were like, you're driving too slowly and I was so nervous that I just kept making silly mistakes. So I was just a wreck. What's that, what's that thing like?

Anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. What is that thing? Like when you don't like test well. Yeah. When you go to the doctors, they call like white coat syndrome or whatever. Yeah.

But it's like I just, I just, and this was the same for me with my exams and stuff. I just get so nervous. Yeah. I'd fully psych myself out. And I would know it all. Yeah. But I just, I just kept fully panicking.

What is, that is a thing. Because Bridgett's a thing. Bridget's the opposite. No, she's like, she'll nail it. Terrible in real life,

but at the test. Oh no, she's like, I'll nail the test. And then it's like, two weeks that are like, oh, so what do you know about this topic?

She's like, couldn't tell you. I just. Oh, I did it and like, I'd be just like, I'm good at memorizing the things for the test.

And it's actually a terrible. And she's like, it's not like I'm proud of. It's just like that's not what education's for. Because I can memorize it but I don't know what it means. Yeah, I went to school for 13 years and my skill from 13 years of education is being good at tests versus knowing a lot of stuff about the world and different topics and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, nah, see, yeah, mine was that like the second I was under pressure of, yeah,

performing for a test or, and same with like performance exams like full music. I was going to say, what about like a performance exam a bit different, but you when you were singing and doing music, like going on stage, you get nervous. Oh, no, that's sweet. Yeah, so what's the difference? I don't know.

I think it's because I feel really confident about that stuff whereas getting tested for like knowledge, I would just second guess myself. But like with music or like even doing the podcast, because people are like, oh, God, my worst nightmare is like speaking in front of a crowd. I'm like, oh, that's sweet, but asked me to parallel park in front of a cafe. Fuck you.

Like, literally there's nothing worse. This isn't a read on my parking. or a brag on my parking. It's more the not liking the public speaking. I would rather reverse park in front of a busy cafe than speak in front of people any day of the week. Oh, no, I'm the fucking complete opposite. All right.

I can talk the leg off a fucking chair underwater. Like, I'm fine. Charles, pass me my fish tank. Charles, get the chair. All right. So how do we manage and work our life as a... Will you do the parking? I'll do the talking.

That's what I'm about. How do we really lean into that? Yeah. To like a stupid level. Yep. All right. Just before you reverse park in front of the busy cafe, I walk over and announce to everybody that you're about to do a really good parallel park.

Reverse parallel part. Why don't you do a speech about anything else? No, because you're really good at it. It's just me hyping you up. Yeah, but bringing the attention is the bit that I don't like about the public speaking. So you want me to cause the distraction. Well, more just let me do my park. you do some talking.

Oh, yeah, I could do that. Hey, guys, wouldn't you like me to teach you about what automata peer means? Everyone goes, fascinating. Let's chat Pythagoras. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'll just slip in. Yeah.

And you're doing your... And then when will you park? And then you're doing your 3x plus 4x equals 5B. A squared plus B squared equals C squared is Pythagoras. Thank God there's a mathematician here. See, because we're not doing a test. Yeah. If we were in a thing, I'd be like,

Oh, delighted by. You know, a mess. An absolute mess. We figured out out. This is a comparative advantage. But I also think that was a hot thing to say. Thank you. Where's Mr. Cowbell now?

But I reckon as well, like as you get older, you know your... You know your strengths. You figure out like where you go, oh no, I feel really comfortable and confident doing X. I feel blah. So what if you had a test now? I probably would, I would be nervous. Yeah. Like, even when, like, thinking about doing my marriage.

Oh. Celebrancy. I'm under pressure. No, but the celebrancy thing, I was just, like, so nervous about the whole time. That's why I just couldn't do it. I just got so stressed about trying to remember the staff doing the testing, doing all the assignments. I was just like, this is just not for me.

The reason I didn't think to say that is because since, you and Sophie both started your marriage celebrant course. Sophie got a lot further than me. No, she did. She got very far. There's a lot further and there's... Still not finishing it. Yeah.

And so I've just learned similar to going to the gym before what? You just don't ask. Don't ask. No, but I'm happy to talk about that because I didn't do it. Like I'm not really embarrassed. I didn't fucking do it and I'm glad I didn't. It was so stressful. The whole time I was just so stressed.

Do you have put a percentage on how far in you got? Like a percent. Yeah. Like I've seen much more of your body than I have of the inside of the celebrancy course. All right. I've got a hot take. Please. Thank you, Charles.

Now, last week we discussed cutting down the stick and there is a lot of people on YouTube saying I think I just a stick trim. We don't have a saw. Do we really not have a saw? Do we have a saw? We don't have a saw here. I've got a hot tape. Please.

I think my hot take is. I think that the limo is the ultimate car. You've been scorched. So I, it's like a conversation pit on wheels. There is nothing a limo can't do. So I'd only been in a limo. Oh, except do a U-turn. Except a U-turn.

Yeah. Or get down the street where the Olson is in a redmond. Yeah, or fit in a car park. Yeah. Or get through a Mackage drive-thru. Yeah. Okay. So there's a few limitations.

however, let me tell you the positives. We picked up TARPA, Jesse, in a limo. So our golden ticket, Tapa, we picked him up from the airport, and he didn't know what car we were getting. And then as it rounded the corner of the pickup area, we were all standing outside waiting for it. And he goes, a hammazine. And I was like, that's crazy that you know what that's called.

It was a stretch hammer. Which you think that you see them everywhere. You see the same one everywhere. because they all the, all the companies use the same ones. Oh, so it's the same two or three hamazines, which is a new word for us. Yes. That are cruising around everywhere. Yeah.

Because we were. So if you've been in a humazine at a hens do, going around the Yarra Valley wineries, we were in the same one. We were in the same one. Because we, there was a yellow, like a golden humazine. It was described as tarp gold. Yes, which we also thought like golden ticket tarpa. It felt like on brand.

And we were like, oh, can we get that? And the guy goes, oh, it's on the Gold Coast at the moment, so you can't. And then we found our yellow, the same one, but like at a different company. And they go, no, it's on the Gold Coast at the moment. And Charles goes, I reckon it's the same one. And it's just like this. How many gold humazines could there be in this country? Yeah.

And so they're all like the same. So big, big hammer, I don't want you to know that. But I'm blowing it right open. Anyway. So all the limo can. pennies. All those limo companies

are they just fronts and websites for... I believe so. So who owns the limos? And you think you're getting a good deal but it's the same people

just offering you $5 off because you Googled the other one first. It's like when you Google Dominoes and Pizza Hut fucking coupon comes up. That's sneaky. Isn't that good? Or when you add things to your cartman 24 hours later they go,

I think you miss something, he's 20% off. You go, oh, don't mind if I do. Well, if we want to get a sore from Bunnings delivered? Should we Google like the opposite? Mata 10. Can I pick this up from my to 10? And it goes,

oh, do you want to deliver it? From Bunnings? For Bunnings? With a $5 off? Yeah. Yes, I do. You wouldn't believe it, but I'd absolutely love that. Thank you. So incredibly much. I can get a saw on Uber Ubreut's for $4.90A. How quickly will it come? It is saying it's going to take like an hour. Should we keep going this episode? Until the saw comes.

No. No. I'm ready for dead. I don't know if I can do that today. But back to the hot take. Please. There's been a lot of car chat recently. Ryan talked about getting a new car.

We've talked about the GWM tank a lot, like the boxy one. Yep. There is a bit of contention actually around the GWM tank because there's a 300 and 500. What's a difference? Well, one is the cool boxy one and one's just like a big SUV, like Toyota Prado. We want the boxy one, which I believe is the 300. Okay. Is that right, Charles?

Yes. Yeah. Well, do you want neither because you want a limo? Well, actually, yeah, scrub that. Delete that, Charles. Because I think a limo might be the ultimate car. How nice was it sitting in the back and you could all chat? I've only been in a limo once other time in my life and it was on the way to my mum's funeral.

And that was great too. Because you could all chat. It was an honour to be in a limo with you when, someone hadn't died of cancer. My mom is still dead. So technically. You said that like it was new news and I was like, did I think she. No, but like, oh, when someone's not dead, she's still dead.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Do you know what I mean? For the, yeah. For those reasons. So she was still dead last week as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I keep reminding myself of it. It's really. I can't forget. Did you, when we were in there last week, were you like, oh. It's like, oh, pull one out. for my homie, Liz Lodge. Yeah.

Yeah. The downsides of the limo besides this beautiful conversation. Pull one out for my homie, Liz Lodge as really, I feel guilty about that one. There's not a lot of stuff that I've said. Put that in the meme this week.

There's not a lot of... Liz Lodge. Hasn't have her full name in it. Elizabeth Homie Lodge was her full name. There's not a lot that I go, oh, maybe she would like that. I don't know if she would like that. she'd be fine

here's a test for everyone this week or should I not to rub it in but should I call my mum now and say home me and just see how she responds she'd go what was that right that's exactly how she's going to respond

oh hello that's what she'll just be like if we call she'll just be mid conversation yeah she's already so as I was saying I'm like I just called

yeah she's like yeah so Mr Cowbell what was his name, Mr Cowbell. Hey, homie, what's up? I was just saying, hey, homie, what's up? What's up? Nothing.

I was just wondering, what did that, what did you say about Mr. Cabell? What did he say to me when I was younger? Oh, I think he said something like, you'll never amount to anything. And he was right? And was he right or was he wrong? I'm with Tony. You were so cross. Do you remember?

Yeah. And you would have been. That would have hurt your feelings. Yeah, that did hurt my feelings. Thanks, homie, Mandy. Just a girl from work. It's just a girl from work. Oh, okay.

No drama. I've got paint. I stupidly got up. I'm halfway cooking breakfast and then I decided to do some painting. I've got paint everywhere. Did you think about finishing breakfast before he started painting? No, I didn't. I'm a silly, dilly.

Oh, bless you, Mandy. See you later, homie. I'm on the pod. Never. You're a tree. We need to acknowledge that I've never heard Ryan's mom say that before. I just need to put that on the record that she's not always saying, you're a tricky, dicky.

That was. I'm crying. I don't know. That was so funny. I was cooking breakfast and I started painting. And you know what I love about that conversation? Predictions were correct. She was halfway through a conversation.

She did say, what? And she did go, oh. I'm with a girl from work, she goes, I don't care. Yeah. Oh, no, no, drama. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

No, it's Tony. There's drama, man. Yeah. There's always drama. So in conclusion, I agree. The limo is the ideal car. Yeah. Won't fit in your driveway, though.

Oh, no fucking way. What's the insurance like on a limo? It's like driving a boat. Like the steering. Do you need a different license? Like a long. A long, boy. I hired a minivan to take my friend drinking in the winery region once

and they were like, have you got heavy vehicle light or heavy something? Heavy rigid is like the HR one is like I think the top one. But I got to the thing, but I want that one and they go, no, you need a special license for that. Oh. Yeah. What's the most you can haul without a bigger license? I think I was hauling 12, 13, 14 people. What are you hauling?

But I wanted the 22. Oh. Yeah. 22 ton. I'm feeling 22. No, 22 passengers. In the break, Charles said that he had a hot tape. Do you have a hot tape?

Oh, it's like after the show. Oh. Oh, it's a secret hot tape. Oh. Do you want to wear the headband? You said you had a hot take. Yeah, like it's probably like after we'd finish recording. Is it travel related?

Sorry. Sorry, are all the tarpa's not good enough for you that you? You don't want to share your hot tape. I do it every week. Hey, don't bully him. It takes a lot to press record and put something out into the world. That was a double flipper because it was like you were... I'll take a double flipper.

Shame wore a bowl or double flip up. Hey, I got it. I love to see it here. I'll give this to you, Charles, so that you can wear it later when you do your hot take. I can't wait. This is from Alma Lynn. No related to her uncle flood. Yeah.

We went the same direction. That's fun. That's fun. Do we need the horse photo? Just for a second. This is... Is this... Mate.

A horse photo adjoice. You will... Okay. Strangely, love to see this. Oh. God, we named this segment, well. Alma Lynn said my mom... Alma Lynn.

As someone who popped a car playing paddle ball, pick a ball yesterday, not funny. Sorry. Yeah. Because that's pretty accurate. Yeah, I was dramatic. Oh, you've got to be. I think in this life, we've got to be more dramatic. I think we need to turn up the drama.

I think so. I'm sick of fucking, oh, me, yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. What are you doing? I'm doing more stuff. Starting now. Do you know what? Do you know what? What?

I'm saying more stuff. There's a hot take. I didn't even know that was possible. Yeah. I came in with a hot take this morning. What was it? I'll tell you after the show in Charles goes. Oh.

It's travel related, and you already know the answer. Do you remember? Yeah, I remember. Yeah. My hot take is it turns out if you're prepared to come home the long way, it can be a lot cheaper. Yeah. And by a long way, I'm spending three days in the Sri Lankan airport.

At what point is it? On the way back from Riga. Okay. Do I live in Sri Lanka? Here's a hot take. At what point is it no longer a layover and just a bit of a holiday? It's not a layover. It's a.

stay over. Like, at what point is it not? I actually thought that because I was like, if someone ever said to me, have you ever been to Sri Lanka before? I go, oh, I spent 26 hours in the airport. That's got to count for something. Yeah, like, but if you stayed there for three days, that's like, that's a holiday. Remember we're talking about how if you murdered that person in the Kuala Lumpur airport,

have you technically been to Malaysia? Like, oh, you're under arrest in Malaysia. Well, no, you're on. I didn't clear customs. Yeah, because this is how we were. kid in international waters. It was how we were trying to determine whether you could say that you've been there and the crime committing came up because it was like, well, no, then you've officially

been there. So, because I've got a 30-hour layover in the Sri Lanka airport. Hypothetically. Oh, mate, I found it's so much cheaper. I found if I land there, I can go, there's this beach like 25, 30 minutes away from the airport. And I can go down there, have a cocktail, maybe have a swim in the water. dry off, head back to the airport.

That counts as being in Sri Lanka. I think so. Yeah. Do you have your bags? Well, here's the thing. The climate in Sri Lanka and Riga is very different. Yeah, it's a bit hotter in Riga. Yeah, so Riga's about four degrees maximum.

Celsius. Yep. And... For our American friends. Sri Lanka is hot. So I'll be the guy in a duffel coat. Oh, about four degrees and then hot.

So, um, I'll be in a duffel coat. Jeans. And nothing else. Gloves. No, just double, duffel coat gloves. That's it. Um, I've started. And burks.

Because we're, because we're going and it's going to be so cold. We've got more information coming about Riga, by the way. But the, um, We, because it is going to be really fucking cold, I started like knitting a scarf. I really hope it's done by the time we go. I'll finish it in Sri Lanka. I'll finish on you in Sri Lanka. That we would have been there then.

If you fucked there, you've been there. That's what I, oh no, because then I've been like nowhere, because I've been everywhere with you. Our marriage is a dead bedroom. All right, what did Alma Lim say? Her mum's not overly adventurous in the. kitchen. Bedrick. Kitchen.

Kitchen. She's not overly adventurous in the kitchen. Oh, you're a tricky, dicky. But we've been in the same car driving around a bit together recently and we've been listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. That's beautiful. She's a very picky eater. She only ever has the same meals, but she's decided this week that she is expanding

her horizons and she's buying chicken salt. Huge. My granddad invented that. That's amazing. Well done. Alma Lynn and Mrs. Lynn. Sorry, I just go to stop thinking about... My mum's pretty adventurous in the bedroom. In the bedroom, she only eats one meal. Like, a whole one is it? Anyway.

Oh, Tony Lodge. Us. I've got a love to see it here from Jess Buddy. It's a bit of a... It starts a bit sad, but it comes good. It comes great, actually. Yeah. 2025 was by far the hardest year of my life. Sorry, I'm now laughing because you made a joke about being... It sounds like you hate Jess Batty.

No, I love Jess Batty. 2025 was by far the hardest year of my life. My life was falling apart all while my three closest people got married and all announced they were pregnant. I was newly single and heartbroken. Yeah, and that just, yeah. Like, you know when you just feel like everyone around you's just like fucking got it locked in, locked and they're just killing it? and you feel so far behind. Jess says after a really turbulent summer,

I plan to focus on myself. Like, yeah, I'm going to just work on myself, feel really good. And boom, in July, I found the love of my life unexpectedly and he's the best person ever. We enjoyed a few amazing months before he fell ill with something called FND

and spent six weeks in hospital and he's having to learn to walk again and live a normal life. Oh, fuck. So they met, fell in love, had an amazing few months, and then he fell real. really ill.

Shit. Isn't that just so, like what a shock that would be? And Jess says, silver lining, though. Oh, God.

We now live together and he has secured a blue badge for parking. So, Jess said, at the end of all this, we get a great fucking parking spot.

And you know what? I love to say that. Jess says, though, to be a bit more positive, I've truly reflected on what I want from life and working in IT is not it. So I've started making digital prints

and like a prints business to kind of start the fucking blog and do something that makes her really happy. It's called Picture Print Studio. We'll put the thing on the Instagram link. But she's created a code for TARPAs to get 20% off their first order. There you go.

It's TARP 20. I type that into every website anyway, just in case. Just in case. Yeah. After you do your hello tan and your welcome five and stuff. Type 20. Yep, type 20.

But so if you want to check it out and you want to go have a look at getting some prints made or whatever, Jess is your gal. What is the minimum discount for sharing a code in a you love to see it? I'm just thinking about my inbox. Yeah. Selfishly. Yeah. I reckon a five is very generous.

Is that the sore? It's not the sore. Oh, that's fucked my day, Charles. I thought it was the sore. The doorbell is. It was like a boost juice, maybe. Sorry, is it the sawbell? Is it the kid?

No, there's a package. Is it that little punk-ass bitch? It's not. There's a lady with a package. Sorry. Anyway, I love to see that, Jess. Thank you for showing that. That's really, really beautiful.

I'm glad that you fucking really turned your life around. I'm just banging on the fucking door. Can you fucking give it a spell? You just saw a real insight into Tony Lodge there. It's been turbulent today, which I quite like. I don't think we're done yet. Oh. Talk to me about the lengths you would go to for a special parking ticket,

such as a blue tag. Oh, I wouldn't go to any lengths because I'm really good at finding parking. I don't need it. The parking gods shine upon me. But one thing that I would never do, so maybe this is the greatest length I would go to, I would never live somewhere that didn't have a parking spot. Yeah, yep. That's what my greatest length is that I moved out of the city to live somewhere with a parking spot.

Tomorrow on the show, not only we have an update from that punk. Yeah. Who's been pressing doorbells at Tony's sister's house. We've got a confession from a Tapa who has described themselves as a very unlucky lesbian. And I think when you hear the day weeks that she had. Oh, one of the unluckiest. One of the unluckiest.

Okay. Great. Well, we've got a great day ahead tomorrow. Wonderful stuff. Also, oh no, I'll save that. Okay. Because I feel like, yeah. Yeah.

Do you know that what Charles told me before? Maybe that's why I'm bit off. He reckons the TV show, Hunter, he's scripted. And that's really thrown me off. I really didn't like that. Like, imagine. if I just went, oh Charles, what's your favorite thing? Do you know what I mean?

Like my favorite show and he's just going to fuck up the ass? What is Charles' favorite thing? Probably Brooklyn Nine-N-N-9. Something stupid. I love eating dairy-free yogurt and fucking watching Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-N. Well, first of all, what he did to you're literally doing to him right now. That's what I'm trying to do.

And second, well, I'm surprised you didn't mention Linus Tech Tips or behind the diary. He's wearing merch of another show. in our office. No, I think that's fine. We're cool her daddy merch all the time. True, true. All right, love you so much. Bye.