Toni and Ryan - Weapons Of Maz Destruction

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge, and we are calling Dallas and we are calling Paloma. I'm not going to make a joke about her name being one of my newly favorite cocktails. Hello? Paloma! It's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? I'm good. How are y'all? We're good, thank you. Paloma, we were just talking about how a Paloma is Ryan's favourite drink and you work at Starbucks. Do they do Palomas at Starbucks? Yes, Paloma at Starbucks. And then I remember y'all had, what were they?

Palomitas, the drinks. Oh, we did Palomitas. Yeah, we did. They were fun. They were fun. Well, yeah, pour us a Paloma. Sounds great. Will you approve the podcast?

Oh, my God, 100%. Hey, it's Paloma from Dallas and I approve the podcast? Oh, my God, 100%. Hey, it's Paloma from Dallas, and I approve this podcast. All right, next Monday, we are back in the studio in Melbourne, back at home base. Thank fuck. I've got to get home. Tony, we've been on the road for a while. We've hugged a thousand strangers, got every disease possible,

and that's not including the people that Cam's met on certain fucking apps. Yeah. Tony, how, like, mood is good, but physically, how, where are we at? Physically bad. Yeah. Physically bad. Do you want to tell everyone what just happened? Oh, I've got...

So, strepsils are too big. And, like, I just wish that you could just... There was, like, when you bought a packet of strepsils, there was, like, three sizes, and it was like, oh, I want one that I can suck on for a while, or I just need a quick boost. Right. I just need a quick boost to soothe.

Why? What's happened, mate? Because I just half finished a cough drop. I just took it out so that it's not like rattling around in my mouth while I talk. I appreciate that. Which obviously is like foul. But wouldn't it be good if there was like different.

So what have you done? I took it out and I put it back on the paper so that I can finish it later. It's just sitting on- Oh, we're not all made of money, mate. Okay? I can't just be throwing out half-eaten cough drops. What am I, a fucking Queen of Sheba? Fuck.

I'm not bloody made of money. Sorry, did you just try to say Queen Latifah? No. No, Ryan. Who's Queen Latifah? No, the Queen of Sheba who's where's sheba she's like the richest person of all history it's like the it's like a turn of phrase but queen latifah queen of sheba where's sheba i fucking i'm right at the end of my okay let's not push it let's not

push it um but don't you think that's a good idea that strepsils could come in like a few different sizes it'd be like just a quickie a longy a shorty oh can i tell you something that's do not recommend at home don't try this at home children don't listen children don't listen um because i'm also on the road i have also not been feeling the best uh-huh so great thank you i was fishing for that and i got it i woke up up in the, like, last night, like, coughing a little bit. So, I went and got a strepsil. Nice. Put it in my mouth and went back to bed. Yeah.

And then woke up. Woke up with it in your hair. No, like, it was still in my mouth hours later. And isn't that, like, one of the great choking hazards of our time? Yeah. Yeah. So, I was like, oh, I'll just, like, suck on this and fall back asleep. But because I had, like, a nighttime cold and flu. Oh, straight and fall back asleep. But because I had like a night time cold and flu.

Oh, straight out. Good night nurse. I couldn't speak English last night. You used to talk to Queen Latifah. Yeah, I was dreaming about Queen Latifah. Queen Latina. So, I was like, I'll finish sucking on this and then I'll go to bed. I'll suck it.

And so, then I just fell straight asleep and woke up hours later and it was just like lobbed on the side of my mouth. I've woken up in the morning or like in the night with it stuck in my hair and like I've had to get in the shower and like get the- Yeah. Like loosen it up. Yeah. Yeah. Not recently.

Yeah. For those playing along at home. No, it wasn't recently. Tony gave the impression physically that it may have home No it wasn't recently Tony gave the impression Physically that it may have been It wasn't recently Not audibly It wasn't

Let's do some confessions I've done mine I once I once Spat out a Cough drop in front of my friends The fact I'm just looking at that Cough drop in the eye

Let me No that's fine Let me hide it from your beautiful eyes. Thank you. Oh, no. Oh, no. She's dropped it on her laptop. Is it stuck to the buttons?

Yeah. Which button is it? The fingerprint ID one. Oh. Oh, the strepsil's trying to log in. Hack, hack, hack. I get like 20 emails from Google. It's like, oh, my God.

Oh, you suddenly started using Twitter again and every tweet's just like, how good are strepsils? That's really funny. Thanks for sending me. Should we post that and tag strepsils? Yeah. With my dear. Who did we say that about last week that we didn't add for

that wasn't a real ad? Was it a hot sauce? Come on, Cam. This is your only job. I'll find it. Something to let us know. Control FC. You couldn't do that if you had an analogue diary.

Yeah. Was that today? No, it was yesterday. We just started today. Sorry. You've lost track of what? Yeah. Of time.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you for sending through your confessions. These are tough confessions. TonyandRyan.com.au. Anonymous says, I met a guy on Hinge and the sex was not good. Oh, great. But he was a really nice guy and he was kind and he was fun and he had a cute dog and no one is perfect, so maybe it's not the worst thing in the world. Until the incident.

Can we just stop for a second? Oh, we have to. Obviously, not being a good lay is not ideal. But do you think some people, maybe like Anonymous, after enough time on dating apps meeting like fuckheads and wankers and all sorts of people, that you go, oh. But he's really nice. He's really nice.

He treats me right. He's kind. Like, he's- I don't even think that needs to be, like, the last resort. I think everybody's, like, priorities are different. Yeah. I don't think that would be that much of a deal breaker, like- No.

For me, personally. Well, if I had the choice of, like, not the best at night, but, like, someone you would genuinely like to spend the day with. Yeah. Versus someone who was good for an hour at night and, like, you know. Yeah. I think it's also the same, like, when you're young, you, like, only want to hook up with hot people.

Yeah. And then as you get older, you go, oh, that actually doesn't really matter that much. I think after you've seen someone four times, it's just recognition. Yeah, you just know that that's that person. Yeah. Except when I see you, I'm like, oh, God, he's a 10. Yeah, but having a dud personality is forever.

You know what I'm saying? A bit like you as well, yeah. So, Anon was- Anon- Anon was all good until the incident. Oh. I was bent over the couch and he was behind me Oh, it doesn't sound too bad

Doing the hippity dippity When I was throwing it back I was throwing him back And he stopped and said I need more traction on the ground Because she was pushing it back and he was like Getting pushed away And especially if he had socks on

Wow, he didn't have the right grip So he walked into his room And then returned to the lounge, still completely naked, but now wearing bright blue Crocs with giblets. Which, is that a bit of you? Because you've been pro-Croc and pro-giblet in the past. I always find that really funny and charming, though. I don't- Charming? I don't think funny is what you're after in the heat of the moment.

No, but, like, if he walked out and he goes, I'm ready to go, that's pretty funny. Yeah, but that's- And I would go, oh, my God, like- But that's him leaning into it being shit. I thought- It seems like he thought, like- I've got an idea.

This is cool. Oh. He said it would give him enough grip on the floor so he wouldn't get pushed back. I don't think that Crocs are that grippy, I'll be honest I don't think, you know, even when in sports mode I ended the relationship right then and there He walked out with the Crocs and she's like, no, that will actually do me

I am done I don't know I'm willing to accept a dud route, but enough was enough Wait for it folks This line is one of the greats That bloke crock blocked himself And only has himself to blame Oh god I'm going to have the other half of this cough drop

Take the cough drop That is insane. Yeah. That is a great line. Take the other half of the cough drop, mate. We'll give you a moment. While Tony sucks on that cough drop, off mic. Only half. Do you think cause of death, coughing at a crock joke,

would be a dignified way? I'm putting it back down. It's good areas, I think. Okay. Because you did nearly die then. I saw you trying to laugh and your lungs were like, not today, sweetheart. It's just my throat is like red raw.

And, you know, I reckon yours would be as well if you just met fucking 9,000 people in the USA. You know what I mean yours would be as well if you just met fucking 9000 people in the USA you know what I mean like no judgement against me I'm calling that you're not judging me are you I've got to hear about the smoke penis don't listen to this confession if you have a weak stomach oh no what have a weak stomach. Oh, no. What about a weak throat?

Because I'm not real strong in the throat at the moment, which I didn't think I would ever say. No, that's not a line I thought I'd hear from your mouth. No. And you've said it all. Yeah. Not saying I'd hear from the throat goat. Wow.

Wow. Wow. For those listening, I'm laughing. There's nothing coming out. That's very funny. The throat goat. I'll take that. What's that mean? The greatest of all time.

Shocker, not Googling. You have it like when you combine it with throat goat. Could have given head, surely. Yeah, okay. Gob queen. That sounds so filthy. The, okay. Gob queen. That sounds so filthy. The knob slob queen. Gob queen?

Gob queen. I'll take that. Would you? Yeah. Wouldn't you? Anonymous says, when I was a horny teenager, I had my evening wank before bed, but one time after I finished, I smelt something burning. I love the first line. It's like, oh, I don't do that anymore.

Yeah, you do. I feel like a teenager, it's almost like, it'd be more frequent though. You'd have a routine. Yeah, I guess so. No? What's your routine? No, I'm just like, oh, when I was a horny teenager. Not these days, but like, oh, you know. Everybody masturbates. When I was a horny teenager, I had my evening wank and I smelt something burning.

Then bang! A loud pop and the power went out. What? When I turned the power back on, I noticed the power strip extension board had a huge burned black spot on it. And it turns out, and this is their words, my cummies had landed on the power board and the smell was the, you know that electronic burning smell?

Oh, yeah. That was like with his jizz and it short-circuited the whole house. Oh, fucking hell. Are you serious? Yeah. Okay, let's rank. So, it spurted out. Which is wherever it ended up, landed on the power board and started burning

because the jizz got into the- Into the thing. Oh, my God. Can we rank bad burning smells? Third worst? Like plastic melty burn? Yeah. I think second worst would probably be that electrical burn.

Yeah. Worst, burnt hair. Burnt hair is rough. Torbs once was soldering and burnt his fingernail. And that was fucking repulsive. That was real bad. Yeah. I mean, isn't fingernails and hair made of the same thing anyway?

So, it's probably much- Yeah. Really? Yeah. So, it would made of the same thing anyway? So it's probably much. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So it would have been this. Yeah. But like hard fingernail rather. Yeah.

But burnt hair is rough as. I'm more careful now. Good. But I still use that same power board. I call it my cummy strip. What the fuck? That's not good. It's short circuited the whole house and you're still using it. strip. What the fuck? That's not good.

It's short-circuited the whole house and you're still using it. Oh, but like, you know, it dries up. No, but that would be like damaged, wouldn't it? Well, there's four thingies in the board. It said it had a big like black burn mark on it. Alright, let's read the stories now. No, I'm just saying like that, spend

the $13 from Kmart and just grab another one. You can't afford $13 from Kmart when you're spending $1,000 a month on OnlyFans. That's true. And that's fine. Cost of living, bro. Yeah, because he lives. Because he lives. Wow.

I just, there's spray on that. That's pretty impressive, isn't it? I mean, the story as a whole is quite harrowing, but I think that one particular point, maybe it is quite impressive. I think that's quite impressive. We're thinking about a pretty good arch on this. We didn't know how he was doing it and which way he was facing. True. There's a lot of variables. True. I've used it on every single night as a teenager. That's what I mean. Yeah.

If you're a teenager, you're getting bored, you want to try it out. What's the weirdest thing you reckon you did? This guy that I was friends with. Yeah. He told me once that he like, you know, like a bed base when it's kind of like two mattresses. Yeah. I think we've all. Yeah.

I think we've all known someone who's done this one. And like fucked that. Yeah. I know someone who's done that. I haven't done that. Called Ryan John. Nah, I'd be too scared. Scared of what?

Well, yeah. I just don't think that would be good at all anyway. I remember him saying that and I was like, are you saying that my pussy is just like two mattresses? Is that what they call you? Two beds? Two beds lodge. Yeah, it is. How did you hear that? Okay, I think I'm going to regret this, but I'm going to say it anyway. In today's episode thread,

or if you want to use the anonymous confessions form episode thread now because i don't think if you don't want to put your name to it use the confessions thing and just say in the title maz story mass story i want to know like the weirdest place you did it or like this guy like like like was there a maz incident yeah and the episode is going to be called, when we do the stories, the episode is going to be called Weapons of Maz Destruction. And now I'm going to go and take some time off. Yeah. Well, we're not quite done yet, mate.

Up next, for the final time, a conclusionary tale. Yes. Oh, I like that. Things we've been frothin'. Frothin'. Fuck, there was a lot that. Things we've been frothin'. Frothin'. There's a lot of letters in that word. Trothin'. The things we've been frothin' in the US that we want to take back to Australia.

That's up next. Done. Hey, it's Palma from Dallas and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. That's Tapas Tony and Ryan podcast. Danielle Olive. Oh, don't mind if I do. Thank you. Justin Jacobs.

Thank you so much. Amy, Chris Colbo, Luna Granger, Ira Barron, and Daniel Shearer. Shearer, I hardly know her. On behalf of all Tafers, I'd like to thank Tony for coming in today. It can't have been easy. Thank you. Tomorrow will be our last one on the road. Monday, we'll be back in the studio in Melbourne.

There'll be something in between. Yeah. We don't know what the fuck that is. We'll be on a 27 million hour flight. All is well. Something will happen. But American things we'd like to take back to Australia. Can we do a quick refresh of what we liked last time? I think we liked half and half milk. Oh, yep. Diet Coke in a can.

Condiments as a default on the table. Yep, that's good. And what was my other one? Hotel markets. Oh, the hotel little stalls in the hotel lobbies. Yep. Great idea. Tony, what else would you like to take back to Australia?

Sometimes you do see this in Australia, but not very much. I love that in America, every single restaurant or diner or whatever has the fucking menu out the front. I do like that. Because you can actually look and then you don't have to sit down and do the awkward dance of like, there's nothing I want here. And then you're sitting and you're like, fuck, do we just get up and leave? Can we get up and leave?

Do we have to just like stay because we feel like we have to? We did that last night. We were walking down Abbott Kinney in Venice for those playing along at home. I was going to say Vegas, not Vegas. And we didn't really know where to go, but then you can just look at the menu in the window and it fucking how good's that? It's so good. And then you kind of go, oh no, I actually feel like blah. And you go, oh, we'll just go up the thing. It's just really, really good. That is great.

So, what happens in Australia? We don't have that. Not really. They have it some places, but, like, it's not the norm. Whereas here, it's, like, everywhere. Default. Yeah, I like that. I like that.

Speaking of when you're out and about. Yeah. Free pour drinks. Disagree. How good are they? Disagree. In Nanny State, Australia. Oh, my gosh.

When you order a scotch and coke, you get one standard drink to the mill of scotch and the rest is coke. Yes, for safety reasons. In the USA, the barman just decides, how many days do you want this guy out of action? And he just pours to that. And if you're lucky, you can barely see any cola. So, I think, what did we get?

It was some sort of drink. An old-fashioned. Oh, but it was something that usually would have had, like, and soda. Oh, right. Or something. And we looked at it and we're like, I don't think there's much soda in there. It's just all spirit. No, it's not for me.

And I think if someone had lit a match around Tony's mouth, the whole restaurant would have gone up because she was just breathing straight booze. I'm not a fan of the free pour. No? I think it's harder to know how much you've had. Because if you kind of go, oh, I've had two drinks, even like, I'd be right to drive. I've had one drink. And then you go, well, no, because it's actually five drinks. I fucking rate the responsible service of alcohol you rate nanny state australia don't fucking do that is the worst thing you've ever said you've never sounded like you own three properties more yeah that's an

awful thing to say yeah but no i i i fuck it yeah it's not for me. I think, like, I can imagine getting around it as, like, a young backpacker and being like, fuck, you get so much for your money. Yeah. But now, no. No. Not for me. Mate, you've aged 40 years on this trip, but you're a great 60-year-old lass. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

It's just I understand why people would like it, but it's just like so different to what we have at home. Yeah. All right. What else you got? On the drinks a little bit. Again, I think that they have this some places, but it's not like everywhere.

Ice machines in hotels. Yes. Honestly, a game changer i remember do you remember ryan that night that we were in a hotel um for your wife's birthday she was there as well yep and we called just just to oh it's rich's birthday i'll take tony out yeah that was unclear um and there was like eight of us in the room and we like were having dinner and everything. And we called down for ice. There was no ice machines. Like, yeah, we'll set something up.

And like fucking two hours later, we like called them again. And we're like, hey, do you have any ice? Like we're trying to make a cocktail. And then one guy rocks up with a tray with a cube on it. Yeah. Like a singular cube. I'm like, man, I'm trying to add some sparkling in here. We were like making espresso martinis.

Oh, that's right. And we were trying to like, anyway. Except when we were in Indianapolis, I was like, we like checked into our hotel really late. And like, there'd been like a big footy game or something that night. Yeah, the Colts had played the New Orleans Saints. And there was like heaps of out-of-towners staying in the same hotel as us, kind of like that all. Celebrated the win and they were coming back or whatever.

And I see this woman and she's kind of, like, walking around on my floor, kind of, like, looking. On your floor? Yeah. So, I was, like, about to go into my room for the first time. I'm sorry. It just sounded like it was, like, the Tony Lodge floor. Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, like, I'd gone up to- She was in my penthouse. No, no, no. I'd gone up to, like, the floor that I was staying on. Yeah. And she was, like, walking around. Yeah. And she had, like, drinks under her arm.

And looking a bit lost. And she was, like, looking around. And I was, like, oh, what the fuck? And then I was, like, oh, are you looking for ice? drinks under her arm and looking a bit lost and she was like looking around and i was like oh what the fuck and then i was like oh are you looking for ice and she was like excuse me and i was like oh like are you are you looking for ice and she was just like i beg your pardon and i was just like oh she's like no thank you no, thank you. And I was like, oh, my God, like bad drunk. Yes. And then I kind of get to my room and I was like, oh,

she thinks I was trying to sell her drugs. Yeah. Yep. Like you chase an ice dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she just looked so offended and I was like, oh,

because the ice machine's right there. Yeah, just around the corner. Yeah. But it didn't go down very well. Wow. But imagine if she had gone, yeah, and then you shook it to the ice machine. She would have been like, oh. She would have been like, oh, I know where that was.

I would have been like. Where's the good stuff, sweetheart? And then I would have been like, beg your pardon? Beg your pardon? How dare you? No, I like that, though. Yeah, an ice machine. Game changer.

And they often have like a filtered water tap in there as well. So good. It is so good, except, and shout out to our friends at the Marriott in Fort Worth, when you're in the room next to it and there's a big party going on and all night. Yeah. And then the ice machine as well. Now, this is like not quite a specific thing we can take to Australia, but more- A concept.

A concept. Let me tell you, Tony, and you, Cam, something that you haven't seen for the last month while we've been on the road. Oh. That we're used to seeing in Australia. So, is this for- A second slash third world country, Australia. Is this for Americans to bring back to Australia? Well, the concept. Okay.

This is what you haven't seen in a month. This video is not available in your region. Oh. So, Americans might not know this, but lots of YouTube stuff and news websites, the videos don't play in Australia for who knows what the fuck reason. Yeah. So, what I want to bring back to Australia is all videos working. Yeah. Is that too conceptual? I think that's just a VPN.

Oh. It's illegal. Oh, that's illegal. Tony, are you suggesting illegal stuff? Well, I actually have like all the streaming services at home because I'm so lazy and I like one thing from each of them. Yeah. And I've hated that none of them have worked here.

Oh, have you reversed VPN? No. I don't know how VPNs work. I was just suggesting it to sound cool. No one does. No, I don't really understand it. But. If I understood it, I would have been watching a lot more of the Cricket World Cup.

Yeah. But I haven't been. Yeah. And I've been refreshing the score page like a fucking loser through the night. That's not good. Yeah, it's sad. So, take back videos working. Yeah.

No, that's good. I like that. You like that? Yeah, I do. Tomorrow, our last day on the road. Yeah. Our final recommendations to America and what they can take from Australia. Yeah.

You're welcome. Are you going to go in hard? I always do. Yeah. Yeah. You'll be, by the time it goes to air, you'll be through customs. You'll be out of here. No repercussions. No, I'm home free. I've got to love to see it though. I saw this in a

community Facebook page and it just really made me laugh. It's a big Toyota Land Cruiser with its lights on. And someone posted and said, hey, someone on Smith Street's left their car lights on, like, and posted a photo of the car. Yep. And the top comment is this guy who's commented and said, all good, mate. That's mine. And thanks.

Only just stopped in for a Tinder dates for a quick one and, like, just left the car running out in front. And I fucking lost it. And this guy's just like, yeah, mate, all good. Like, yeah, it's... Just a quick one. Leave it on. Yeah.

So funny. I don't know if it's true or if he's just commented that to, like, take a piss. But also, if he's only in for a quick one, why is he on his phone? Or is he face down getting pegged, checking his updates? Maybe. I got a notification. He's just like, oh, car on Smith Street. That's not mine,

is it? I'll let the guy know that it's all good. You know what I mean? But yeah, I fucking lost it. I thought it was so funny. Would you be offended,

right? So Tony, you meet a guy, this is just so out of your area because you've been in a relationship for 10 years. Yep. You've met a guy on an app

and you go, oh, he seems like a nice guy and he comes around and goes, oh yeah, we'll just, we'll hang out for a bit. And then he gets up to your apartment and then you go, where are your keys? And he goes, they're in the ignition. I'd pass away, I think. Yeah.

I'd go, you know what? Go back in the car. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're better than that. I'd go, that's not my area. Yeah. Whereas, alternatively, Cam, what would you say? We can have fun in the car Oh yeah Yeah I'd go That's not my area Yeah Whereas alternatively Cam what would you say?

We can have fun in the car If you need Oh god I'll go Oh the car's running Can we get started then? Cam goes I actually live in Collingwood

There's not a lot of parking around here Yeah So um When you leave that space Can I have it? Yeah make sure Make sure you don't get a ticket Might love to see it

Tony Lodge is on the record As wanting to be the person Who starts a happy birthday. I like being the leader. The leader. I know you also like being the hip-hipper. They don't do that in the US. But it was someone's birthday in a busy restaurant over here.

We didn't know them that well. But something that I love to see was Tony Lodge taking it upon herself. I saw the cake come over. Yep. I knew my moment was coming. It's like a slow clap had started five years earlier and it was finally getting down to that moment. And Tony Lodge in a crowded restaurant raises from her seat and says, ha.

And I nailed it as well. Everyone joined in. They did. And then I got so excited about the hip hip. And I was like, oh my God, Ryan, I won the hip hip as well. And you were like, they don't do that here. Everyone was like. They did. And then I got so excited about the hip-hip. And I was like, oh, my God, Ryan, I won the hip-hip as well. And you were like, they don't do that here. And I was like. What are you?

Yeah, what? Why is that? Who's she hipping at? Who is she? Yeah, does anyone know her? Who knows? Does anyone know that girl? I'm very proud of that happy birthday, actually.

It was pretty good. It was a good one. It was pretty good. Tomorrow on the show, the final installment from our trip, which is things we would recommend to America. I believe we will be on the road by the time the episode actually gets uploaded. Hence, Tony's going to give it a real crack. Is your voice going to survive one more day?

I actually don't know. I've put the second half of that cough drop back in my mouth. You're welcome. We'll see you tomorrow. Fuckin' hell. Meow, goodbye, love you. Love you.