Toni and Ryan - What is a radish?

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

Shockingly, 'what is a radish' is a real question that SOMEONE on this podcast asked... No points for who! Love ya! Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Not only, Tony, is this going to be an approval, but it's actually a test. Oh, okay. All right, here we go. We are calling Mark. Tom Hobart, this is Maurice speaking. How can I help you? Mark, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you?

Hey. Hi, guys. Now, which country are you in, Mark? Because I've got a specific question for you and Tony, Mark. Hey. Hi. Now, which country are you in, Mark? Because I've got a specific question for you and Tony. Germany. Germany. Deutschland. Mark kommt aus Deutschland.

You come from Germany. Ja, Mark kommt aus Deutschland. So Tony has been doing German on Duolingo. I'm on like a 20-day streak, Mark. I'm doing so, I'm doing super. I'm doing great. Yeah, it sounds incredible for a 20-day streak. Yeah.

Incredible. Danke. Now, Mark, I believe you said. I'm really proud of you. Oh, thank you. Wie geht's, Mark? Gut. Gut.

Oh. Ich auch. Wie geht's, Marc? Gut. Gut. Oh. Ich auch. Me too. Now, Marc, I believe you said if you know a little bit of German, there's something funny about your town. Now, I won't know this because I'm not 20-day streaking to Duolingo German, but what is that and will Tony understand? The actual fact is I was born in a town that translates to

Cockside Well that I'm familiar with But Mark will you approve the podcast? Here's the thing If you call somebody Who has been through this kind of struggle That all tarpots have been And he says no

He can go fuck himself of course i approve this podcast hi this is mark from germany and i approve this podcast welcome to the show. Just a reminder, January 21, Saturday morning, St Kilda Beach. Come on down. This hot, fun garbage of a podcast has its own hot, fun garbage truck. Truck will be performing a public service, taking off big bags of clothes that have been rolling around in your boots

since probably fucking 2019. Since 5 June. COVID was hard for everyone. Yeah, it was. Or we can get rid of that bit of shit clothing that your partner's got hanging up in the cupboard. Any clothes you want to get rid of, bring it down. Even if you just want to come and say hi, get a selfie.

You can come down and say hi. It's going to be a party. Say hi. Say hi. Go for a swim after. Would you swim at St Kilda Beach? Absolutely. We could do that.

I'll be there. I know. Should I wear my shorts or a budgie smuggler? I reckon do a budgie smuggler. Yeah. 2023 in. In. A hundred percent.

Yeah. I'll be smuggling budgies. Smuggle me. Okay. Okay. Sorry. Normal or nah? Let's start with Alex Irving, who's a tarpa.

Is actually Schmurving or is it? Oh, we, who's a tapper. Is it actually Schmallek Schmerving? Are we not using last names again? How private is it? It's not private, but I feel like Alex will get a fair bit of backlash and would probably prefer I didn't use their real name. All right. So we're not going to say Alex Irving. We're going to say Schmallek Schmerving. Microwaving bacon. Normal or nah? I've never heard of it until the wife introduced me to it. Now it's the only way we cook it. It's a big fucking nah from me. That's a huge nah.

There's never been a bigger nah. No. The other day I did bacon in the oven and that was still because I had to do a lot. And, you know, so I didn't have a big enough pan. Like, oh, I've just put it in the oven. But it's not the same. I want the sizzle.

I want the whole house to fucking reek of bacon. Yeah. I, it takes five seconds to do it in the pan. Yeah, it's not that hard. You know, like, if the choice was 40 minutes or 30 seconds, I would understand. But I feel like you don't save any time. Like, what's the aim of the game here?

To save time? Save a pan? Save like your love of a food. No, but what's the benefit of doing it in the microwave? Yeah, of destroying. Because it doesn't taste better. Fuck no. It's crazy.

And I'm absolutely not that person. That's like bacon is my life. I'm like partial to bacon, impartial, whatever the thing is. Like I like it and I'll eat it, but I'm not like. It's not your personality. Do you remember like in 2018 when liking bacon was like a big thing? Do you remember that? The internet took bacon on.

Did they? Yeah. I feel like bacon's always been on. What a weird thing to take on. Here's my hot take of the year. Food that's always been delicious is delicious again. Well, it always has been. But you know how it was like make the bacon roses bouquet for Valentine's Day and how it was like to make the bacon roses bouquet for

valentine's day and how it was like yeah bacon is your personality i had a bacon cocktail i've had yeah i ordered this was only a little while ago actually this very cool restaurant in brunswick and i ordered an old-fashioned and they were like do you want a standard old-fashioned or a house old-fashioned and i was like the way you want a standard old fashioned or a house old fashioned? And I was like, the way you've worded that makes it just sound like you're going to use like house bourbon or whatever. But it was, I was like house and they went, okay. But it was like a house specialty and it was like candied bacon on the top with like a

bacon smoke in the cocktail. And they came over and they did the like reveal thing. It was too much. Yeah, no, I'm with you. I've tried that as well. Bacon in the microwave. Fuck that right off. Schmallex then says, and now this makes no sense in the context

of what he's saying, but he's just going for the pun. It really rinds my gears. You're saying you like it. I know. Oh, luckily we kept him anonymous. Lucky we kept them anonymous because that's not good. Alex Irving. Shmally, shmally.

Jared McQuaig's entered the chat. Oh, I bet. Cleaning the shower completely naked, normal or nah. It's just easier to get in there. The water's running. You can clean up. But as I was squatting down the other day and scrubbing the floor with my bits hanging out the back and the shower glass door opened as my clean cheeks pushed up against it,

I realised I'd be exposing myself to anyone who walked past. Suddenly I began questioning my method. And I think my first reaction is the same as yours. Who's walking past? Thank you. When you're in the shower. You're not doing it in a public shower. You're not at the fucking pool.

You're cleaning your shower in a dog park. Yeah. Who's cleaning your shower in the office? And Jenny's from accounts has walked past. Oh, okay, sorry. You've got your shower in to clean today and you've got nude. You've got naked. Jared, who's walking past?

Who's walking past? However, though, on the is it normal or is it nah, normal. Yeah. Because otherwise you get bleach on your clothes or whatever, you know, often stains your clothes and stuff. A lot of the comments was it's obviously a dirty job so you're in the perfect place to, once you've cleaned the shower, wash yourself off.

Yeah. It seems pretty simple. I will say, though, that the first time you do it and you're kind of like, especially when you're like bending, yeah, it's like this does feel. You're kind of trying to protect your modesty whilst doing a job. But I mean if I walked into the bathroom and Torbs was cleaning the shower and he was like I wouldn't go, oh, what are you doing? I'd be like, oh.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'd be like, thanks for me not having to do that. It's my hair in the drain. What I will say, though, is if you've got a shower, like a smaller shower that's closed in and it's really hot and it's steamy and then you're spraying the chemicals, it's very easy to get real light. Gas yourself.

Yeah, get real lightheaded real quick because there's fumes, there's steam and suddenly you're spraying the chemicals, it's very easy to get real light. Gas yourself. Yeah, get real lightheaded real quick because there's fumes, there's steam and suddenly you're like. Yeah, so you've got to do it with the fan on, with the door open. It's safety first, then teamwork. But definitely normal for doing it naked. I can't imagine doing it with clothes. See, that's weirder. You know what I wouldn't do naked?

The toilet. Wouldn't do that naked. You sit on it with an open arsehole. No, I mean, like, clean it naked. Yeah, but, like, think about what's... No, I know. But you know when you're... But, I mean, if your face is open...

You know... I'm nervous. Yeah, no, go on. You know when... You know when you're at someone's house or out in public or whatever and you do a poo in the toilet and you go, cool, I'm going to need to do like a toilet brush with this one because obviously that would be incredibly rude to like not toilet brush. Yeah, if required.

If required. Have you ever thought to yourself like imagine though if it just did flick up, like and you're at someone's house or you're out in public or whatever, have you ever thought like. Did it flick up on you? Yeah. I've never thought that. Yeah, it always gives me the most anxiety.

Has it ever flicked up on you? It's never happened. Well, because the other brush is like. Yes, because you have to be very careful that you go side to side, not up and down or whichever one is the right one. Up and down. But I have thought about it before and gone, wouldn't that be harrowing? Yeah.

Hey, Ryan. Ryan. Yeah. You don't have a spare T-shirt and shorts I could borrow, do you? Where are you? I'm in the bathroom. Things have really gone south in here. Yeah.

David Gallagher. Hi, David. Actually, actually how bad is schmabish malaga oh no this is a classic okay this is a classic david gallagher normal or nah telling a story of how someone pissed you off and then you tell people what savage thing you said in response and then you follow it up with but obviously i didn't say that yeah because i didn't think of it till later normal very. Very normal. Very normal. I do that to you a lot, like where I'll go, oh, then this guy like walked in front of me at the shops

and I was like, bro, that's really rude. And you went, then what did he say? And I go, oh, no, I didn't say that. I was thinking that. Well, I think Dave is saying that he didn't think of a good comeback till later. Yeah. Whereas with you, I'm like, you're way too nice

to ever call someone out. You definitely didn't say, hey, could you not do that? And then I go, well, I was like, don't do that. And you go, did you? And I go, well, no, I didn't. So one of your big ins for 2023 was being honest. Telling people what we want, yes. And whilst you not starting beef in the street is a good thing,

where does that come into play with the honesty? Because you do come home and go, I've just fucking had a fight with a guy. And I'm like, what happened? You go, well, he looked at me and then I went home. Yeah. He said, what's wrong? And I said, no.

I said, oh, it's fine. I love you. Here's a tip. Here's some money. Yeah. Do you want to move in to my house? Do you need dinner? Do you want to cuddle my dog as a very kid?

Yeah. Can you give me like a scenario of like something happening? Okay. So because I love when we go to each other's house and we roll in with a story. Yeah. I love that. We do always do that.

Yeah. Because something's always just happened. Yeah. And so something weird has happened down the shops. Yeah. And you've in your mind played out what would be a fantastic response and their response to your response and all of this fictional stuff when, of course, you just looked at it and went, oh, it's a bit shit.

Yeah, okay. So say under the shops. Because I still want to hear it. I don't actually care if it's true. I just love when you come in and entertain me. Oh, you just love the story. Okay, well, for instance, say that I need milk. This person at the shops needs milk

there's one bottle of milk they pick it up and i go oh i actually need that i wouldn't do that no you don't buy a cow and milk it yeah or i'd find other milk you know that yeah buy an alternative milk yeah you know so in that situation i don't think i'd be honest because it's like oh i missed out i don't think there's any need to start a nuisance no however if i went to reach for it and this other person also went to reach for it and they went oh you take it i'd go thank you so much i really need it that's what you got to start doing yeah that's what i'm saying because if you took the last milk and you were there minutes beforehand and someone goes oh they're out of milk you'd be like take mine exactly sorry no but instead if

they went oh do you need that i went oh, oh, yeah, bro, actually, thank you. Yeah. Rather than being like, oh, no, it's okay. I'd be like, oh, you offered that to me? Thanks. I was at the beach for seven minutes. The dogs shat everywhere. My one saving grace today is we're going to go home and have a nice coffee.

Please don't take this one nice thing away from me. Exactly right. And I would just honestly say thank you. Cheers. See you later. Yeah. Have a great Christmas. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I respect that. That's in this year. Have a great Christmas. Thank you. I appreciate that. I respect that. That's in this year. Finally, Zara. Shmara. So Zara's just got one of those robot vacuums. Do you like those? Oh, I can't decide.

I've heard some horror stories, and you would have seen these like on TikTok and Twitter and stuff, of like the robot vacuum maybe like rolling through like dog poo and they kind of track the dog shit all through the house. Oh, of course. Because it just moves it around. And because Pippa is very good, she always goes outside except for when she shits in my car, which is great.

At least it's two places. Don't put the robot vacuum in the back of the car. Or on her outdoor potty. But I do like the idea of it. But, you, but I just imagine if it did fucking go through something. So I believe, well, the purpose obviously is you don't have to vacuum. Yeah, you just fucking ding it on. It's all good. And it saves you time.

And do you think it's the mental load as well? Just going, I know that's always done. That's Roger the robot's problem now. Exactly. I do love when they have fun names yeah zara normal or nah getting a robot vacuum in hope it'll save you time but you end up just following it around the house watching it go back and forth and occasionally yelling profanities at it it actually saves me no time at all as in having to follow it because it's not

doing the right job i think she's just following like, oh, my God, still doing it. It's a fucking robot. Still working. We're going to go. And she's just following it around the house. And then her partner's like, I mean, if you were just going to follow it around, you might as well have just kept the old fucking cleaner.

Yeah, we had a Dyson already. Why do you just keep doing that? Is this normal or nah? I'm going to say nah because I don't have one so I don't know but I've also heard a similar thing of like new parents that you're supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps. Right. That you go, the baby's asleep, let's take this time to, you know. But then you kind of sit there and go, isn't this baby so cute?

And then it wakes up and you go, fuck, we didn't sleep again. And you enjoy the baby being asleep so much that then you haven't done you know so that's cut my likening to that is like i definitely do waste time go i'm saving so much time and then go i didn't do anything with that yeah so i reckon because my mom got one because of course oh of course uh i think when mom loves like the audi special oh they did do the robo rock they got a robo and audi if i can get around it so mum saved 30 minutes a week of vacuuming because she lives alone yeah but what so that was the benefit yeah but the cost was she ended up talking about the vacuum for fucking 20 hours a week. That's a negative net loss of minus 19.5 hours. It saves me heaps of time.

What are you doing positively with the time you're saving? When you decided to save time, did you choose to spend it telling me how much time you're saving? Your mum loves you and she just wants to tell you about it. You know, Mandy, if you're listening, you call me and tell me about your robo vacuum. I'll listen. I'll listen to you talk about your robot vacuum. Ryan, you ungrateful little bitch.

Speaking of me being an ungrateful bitch and my mum being a legend, she has an update on the coffee machine. How'd she go? So for anybody that's been joining us, last year, Ryan's mum put a nine-year-old coffee machine. From Aldi. From Aldi on Facebook Marketplace. Never been cleaned.

Never been cleaned. It's been used fucking six times a day for eight years. Yeah, it's had a fucking good go. And she said, I'll throw in one pod for free. And she put it up there for $20. I think it was $30. It wasn't getting many bites, so she brought it down to $20. Yeah, and she wasn't going to drop it off either.

That was pick up. Yeah, pick up only. How did she go? And we rightfully rinsed her. Yeah, because that's hilarious. What else are you doing with your time? I said, you know, there's just – anyway, yep. And she'd listened to the episode.

So when I spoke to her next, she was like, I heard what you said about the coffee machine. Well, mum, you know, fucking jet yourself. Yeah. And she said, I heard what you said and I've got an update. And she goes, first of all, it wasn't about the money. I just thought it wasn't broken and that I didn't want to waste it. Yeah, but then why wouldn't you just put, like,

working, free to a good home? So because she was still continuing to get no bites at $20. Mum. She moved it on for free. Oh. Eventually, yeah. Did it go straight, as soon as she put up like free good working conditions, someone went great.

She, because she's involved, this is such an old lady, involved with like a little community group, so the arts and stuff. So I think she gave it to someone at the community centre. Who needed it. Yeah. Or their daughter just moved out of home or something. Something like that, yeah. And one of the ladies down there was like,

I'll take that off your hands. Yeah, we've done that. Well done. All right, great. I mean, it took a while. She was fucking like pry this out of my cold, dead, ristretto hands for a little bit, wasn't she? We're not cold, ristretto hands.

Yeah, it's hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. It's never worked better. And I think our issue was is how much time you spend. Like you're investing hours and hours for $20. Yeah. Just move it on.

Okay, it's been moved on. Yeah, okay. Coming up next, there's a scam that's been happening in Sue's markets. God, you're just both one and the same, aren't you, you and your mum? Listen to this. The free copy machine, the bloody the markets. I think Hamish Blake used to blow the lid

wide open. What was the saying? I don't know. There's a scandal that's happening right beneath our noses in groceries. And you're onto them. Groceries by grocers. And you're onto them. Yeah. And up next, prepare to be fucking shocked as I call this out. Hi, it's Mark from Germany and you're listening to Tone and Rhyme.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion tubbers who we'll hopefully see down at the beach on the 21st of Jan. Mariah Galea, thank you very much. Aishling Kelly, love ya, thank you very much. Nina Marita Harvey, love your neens. Yeah. Neens, I don't know. Nina, do you take neens, I guess?

Josh Wood. He takes Wood. Heather MacDonald. Oh, MacDonald, have the fun. And Nathan Evans. Bloody good on you. Thank you so much for being part of the Patreon. Hopefully we see you down at the beach.

Ryan will be in his budgie smugglers. Not the whole time. Just when I get in the water. Oh, okay. Because we've got matching outfits. I need to. Yes. Yeah.

Yep. Okay, cool, cool. Off-air chat. Live brainstorm. All right. Is there anything worse than when you feel like the cold sweat come over you and you just suddenly realise I'm way out of my depth, I'm in and over my head, I don't know what I'm doing?

Yeah. It's an awful feeling, right? Yeah. It happened to me yesterday when I went to go swimming at the public pool in my apartment building and I heard cool kids in the pool. Youths. Yeah. And you just had the cold sweat and you went back home? Yeah when I went to go swimming at the public pool in my apartment building. And I heard cool kids in the pool. Youths. And you just cold sweat and you went back home? Yeah, I went home.

I didn't go swimming. So the week before Christmas, Bridget was in hospital. Yes. Nothing bad. She's all good. It's all good. It was all precautionary. Daughter McDaughter face just being a bit restless.

Yeah, but she's healthy. She's good. Can't stress enough. It was precautionary just in case something happens. It didn't happen. It was fine. Thank you for holding me on the fort with the live stream, by the way. She's good. Can't stress enough. It was precautionary just in case something happens. It didn't happen. It was fine. Thank you for holding me on the fort with the live stream, by the way. You're welcome.

But because this was the lead up for Christmas and we had Bridget's family, my family, and a whole bunch of people coming for Christmas Day, I found myself on Christmas Eve that I had to go to do the food shopping. And let me just explain that I have to – I don't know what we're making, I don't know what ingredients are required in the thing that we're making and I don't know how whatever it is we're making is made, but I am rolling in on Christmas Eve to a market to get the stuff for that.

Okay. So can I just very quickly say something that during Bridget's time, while she wasn't very well, I was messaging, obviously you were calling me a couple of times a day, letting me know if everything was all right. In there for a week, yeah. Yeah, so she was kind of like, fuck, you were having to go home, wash clothes, take them back in and all that.

So I'm getting the car phone calls. Every time you're on your way back or to or from, you're going, cool. Doctor's update. Here's the update. And I also was messaging Brid was messaging bridge obviously to make sure that she was all good and when he was getting closer and closer to christmas i actually said to bridget is there anything that i can do to help prepare for christmas because i know how fucking useless you are and because i thought take that back and because I thought of all the things that she needs

to stress about right now, it is not you calling her and being like, do I get chicken gravy or beef gravy? You know, like I just thought how about I like pick this at the post. She said, I think it will be all good. There isn't much we need to get. So I'm going into this story knowing that your wife said there isn't much to get and thinking how could you have possibly fucked this up? There was a long list of stuff.

I doubt it. Yep. Okay. Continue with your story. Well, I've just got a couple of dot points here. Okay. And the first is the fucking exclusive scam that's been blown right open. Okay.

Yeah, blow me right open. Sorry, different segment. For years we've been told that something is two separate things and they're the same thing. Zucchinis and cucumbers. They're not the same. They're the same thing. Tell me what's different about them.

They're not the same. Tell me, explain. They're the fucking same thing. They're not the same. Tell me what's different about them. They're not the same. Tell me. They're the fucking same thing. They're not the same. What's different about them? Well, I mean, the taste is totally different. Explain it. Well, a cucumber is, like, fresh and watery and, like, snappy.

Same as a zucchini. Like, it crunches. Whereas a zucchini, a zucchini's not crunchy. Well, it's not. Yeah, it is. And you'd cook zucchini, You wouldn't cook cucumber. Well, that's just what they are. And that's why you think they're different because you treat one differently.

You wouldn't put zucchini in a gin. But if you cooked a cucumber, you would just say it's zucchini. Well, no, you wouldn't because people would go, what the fuck's that? They're obviously the same thing. They're not the same thing. So they're obviously the same thing. They don't even look the same. They're the fucking same thing. No, because zucchini look the same. They're the fucking same thing.

No, because zucchini's got the vine, like, little star thing on the top. See, you've been had by a big farmer, and I don't mean a PH farmer. I mean old-school F farmer. They're selling different things, different price levels. They're the same fucking thing. And when I get home... But they also, I have a question, they have a little sign that says, like, zucchini or cucumber.

Oh, they're playing the game. No, because there's, like, a Lebanese cucumber, a green cucumber. All I'm saying is if I was told to get cucumbers. Burt plus cucumber. And I came home with zucchinis, I'm not wrong. You're 100% wrong. You've just been played. You're 100% wrong.

You're 100% wrong. No, absolutely not. They're the same thing. Next one. You're 100%. wrong. You're 100% wrong. No, absolutely not. They're the same thing. Next one. You're 100. Do you acknowledge why? No, because you've been fucking brainwashed by them. You'll believe what you've been told. Did you use the zucchinis that you bought in place of the cucumbers

or did cucumbers have to be go and purchased separately? There were some items not included in salads that were intended to be included. But if they're exactly the same, then why weren't they just used in salads? Because other people in my family have been had. No one fucking is wise enough to this game than me. I think you know. No, I don't know anything. Except the truth.

Otherwise, you would have just popped them in the, this is very QAnon of you. Oh, no, the truth. Cucumber Anon. Nice. Next one. And this isn't a scandal. This is just fucking, just prepare to have your mind blown.

Pomegranates. Fuck me right up. Did you know that every pomegranate has the same amount of seeds? No, and let me explain why I didn't know that. Okay. So I've only seen pomegranates in two different forms. Yeah. One is like a pomegranate juice, which is delicious.

Sure. Well, it's not. Yeah, it's like the end product, I guess. I know orange is going to orange juice. Sure. It's like the end product, I guess. I know oranges go into orange juice. Thanks. It obviously looks different. Yeah. Because it's like a, you know sometimes you get a splash of pomegranate

in like a fancy cocktail? Yeah. Like it's this extra that's a bit like you wouldn't normally have it. Yeah. And then the only other time I've seen pomegranates is like in a salad. Yeah, like the seeds in a salad. Yeah, so you keep saying seeds. Yeah.

So that's all I've visibly ever seen of pomegranates. So I thought that what I now know to be seeds, I just thought you just have pomegranates. Like that's what they were. Oh, so it was like 50 little pomegranates, not pomegranates. Sure. Yeah. So you thought that you bought it like you would like caviar in a jar.

Okay. Is that what you're kind of featuring? Yeah. It's one thing to not really know, like when you're in a green grocer place, like where the stuff is. But when you don't even know what it looks like, it makes it way more harder to find. So you go, hey, where are the pomegranates?

He shows you this big thing and you go, no, no, no, no, no. I'm looking for pomegranates. So I'm assuming it would be like nuts. So you know how there's like a big bag of almonds and then you get like a scoop and pour them into a little bag? Yeah. Or like peas? Yeah.

Like if there's like a bag of peas, I'm like, oh, I guess I'll just get a bag of pomegranates or whatever. This is very sweet, by the way. I was off the cucumber story, but this is very adorable. I don't know where the pomegranates are. You're thinking you're going to get a jar or a tin of pomegranates. So I'm not looking for what I now know is a pomegranate which is

a big fruit that is full of pomegranates and guess what? They've all got the same amount of seeds. Thank you. So like I said when you don't know where they are it's hard but when you don't even know what they look like. Could you imagine looking for something you don't know what it looks like? Question. Yeah. Did Google come to your brain

at any point no you didn't think hey let me just check what a pomegranate is or okay this sounds really like if you were just looking around for ages wouldn't you then go fuck am i like yeah so here's the thing because that would be my first thing. If I couldn't find something I was looking for, I'd go, hang on. Have I given myself a bum steer here? So if I was questioning what pomegranates look like, I might have looked it up. But in my brain, I knew. I can't find them. In inverted commas.

And then I did it one stage. And again, so one bag, one hand I've got the bag of stuff and the other hand I've got my phone which is open to the checklist. And like when you've only got one hand with the phone, I'm trying to scroll, I'm like, I don't want to open another app because then I can't get back to the list. And at one stage I said to the guy, hey, mate, where's the pomegranates at? And he goes, yeah, yeah, like up that corner.

And you go, well, fucking dickhead, he's wrong. Yeah. Can't find them. Yeah, so then I ended up looking for something else and then I found something that happened to be next to the pomegranates and then I saw the sign and went, oh. So how good are the pomegranates? That is a very sweet story.

That is a very sweet, like I think, what a beautiful idiot, you know. That's like a lovely story. I've written here, did you know they come as a big singular fruit? Did you know they come as a big singular fruit did you know stop my hot facts hot facts um fuck my next point here just says what is a radish tell me what does a radish look like they're little red like it's like a little ping pong ball but it's got the little root on the bottom And then they've got the green sprouts at the top They're red but when you cut into them It's like white on the inside

So you've seen a sliced radish I've gone radish, I know these, they're white Again When you don't know what they look like It's very hard to It's just the fruits, there's no like aisle That says radish this way. Yeah.

They don't say that at Coles anyway. But that's what I mean. So there's, like, when you don't even know what the thing you're looking for looks like, it makes it real fucking hard. This is making me so grateful for Torbs. We just no radish this Christmas. You are just so. No radish this year.

How do you not know? No radish this year. Okay. Finally, now, unlike these other bullshit scams, I will actually put my hand up and say I'm possibly at fault for this one. Up until now, I feel fair game. Okay. But this is on me.

The other ones, they were. No, yeah, they're fucking having you on. The public school system. They're having you on. But this, I'll put my hand up and say, nah, I didn't perform well here. So don't fucking at me on this one. Okay. So Bridget in the notes.

See, this is the thing, right? Be mindful, she's in hospital. So you can't just keep ringing her because how rude would that be? She just had some dot points. Like a checklist, chopping list. Imagine if you were the asshole that went, hey, I know that you're in hospital right now, but what's a radish?

You know, you can't do that. You're left to your own devices. There's only so many times you can do that. Exactly. And I wasted it on something else. I'm like, I can't call again. Yeah, and then you called her again and you went, do you know what a pomegranate is?

It's a whole big fruit. I was like, cucumbers. Like, come on. Yeah. They're cheaper. I'll get those. She writes, get some hard cheese and some soft cheese. Yep.

Great. Oh, yep. So you know the cheese place at Prayer Market? Yeah. So you walk in. How many cheeses do you reckon are on display there? Oh, thousands. Actually thousands.

Yeah, it's like a proper cheese monger. Yeah. And they're beautiful. You walk in, it smells nice. They're really passionate about the cheese. Hey, how you doing, mate? Merry Christmas. Oh, Merry Christmas to you too.

Hope today's not too crazy. What can I do for you? Yep, one hard and one soft, thanks. Yeah, that's an okay question. Oh, that's an okay request, I think. Is it? Yeah. That's what I thought. And then she goes, okay request, I think. Is it? Yeah. That's what I thought.

And then she goes, yeah, cool, so what sort of hard do you want? No, I think that if you go, no, no, I think this is actually fine. Really? Because then I thought, oh, maybe I'm that annoying customer now. Well, I mean, but, like, if you went to a fish market and you said, like, oh, I need, like, a hard fish because I'm making a curry, like, what would you suggest? I can't get that vibe.

I'm like, look, there's a whole bunch of people coming around and some people might be into cheese more than others. Just give me a nice hard and a nice soft and, you know, people-pleased. What are people liking this year? Because then she would just go, cool, I'll give you a Daffanois for the soft cheese and I'll do this lovely smoky Edam for a hard cheese.

Thank you. No, I'm fucking, no. I reckon that's a fucking fully respectable request when you go somewhere that is a cheese genius. Cheeseness. Cheeseness. Cheese and cheese. And basically I was like, I'm open to requests.

But you're asking for advice. That's their job. Okay, good. Because I was kind of like, okay, well, what soft have you got? And she kind of just like takes a step back. What a bitch. Yeah, and then kind of glanced as if to say like, look how many fucking different –

No, I reckon that's okay. Yeah? Thank you. You're asking for her opinion. Yeah, and well, okay, so I, and I still do a little bit, felt a little bit bad because I'm like, oh, maybe I could have given a bit more info. And I don't want to blame the stress of the day,

but I just discovered pomegranates. Yeah. I've just exposed zucchinis. And then I got to the end of the list and I was like, oh, I just fucking want to get a hard cheese and a soft cheese and get the fuck out of here. But you would have said a hard and a soft cheese. You went, what do you like? And you went, look, yeah, there's you would have said a hard and a soft cheese. You went, what do you like?

And you went, look, yeah, there's a few bits. We're just doing a platter. Like, what do you recommend? That's fucking – it's not as if you went one hard, one soft. Figure it out, mate. Well, I said there's a lot of people coming around. So I think I used the word, what are some people places? Yeah, but that's a fucking full-on respectable question, I think.

If you went and said that to someone at Coles, I would probably be like, well, they probably don't know. Yeah. They're some 18-year-old at uni. They're just serving the cheese, man. They're packing the thing. But if you're working there, then you should have a go-to that you know everybody likes this, everybody likes this.

They're our biggest sellers. I'll fob those to you. I know cheese is obviously different to fruit but sometimes i've gone to the like because you know how bridget knows when fruit's in season yeah and i've never really thought about it so she'll often go in and because she's friends with them you know like customer friends and she'll walk in and go oh you know what's in season they go oh we've just got these great box of oranges they've come in real sweet this year. She goes, great, we'll have some. And it's like just that conversation you have.

Yeah. And, again, cheese is not like a seasonal growing on cheese. No, but it's still like if you're a cheesemonger. But, hey, what's going off this year? Oh, people are loving this one. Yeah, great. 100%. Okay, well, thank you for backing me up.

No, I actually think. Because I felt like a bit of, I left feeling. We started on the zucchini, which was a low. That was a low. I left feeling bad about it on the zucchini, which was a low. That was a low. I left feeling bad about it. I felt like an asshole. Do you remember when I said to you about like going into places and hating bothering the people that work there?

Yeah. It's their job. You know what? It is their job. She works at a cheese place. Yeah. It's not as if she works at a hot dog stand and you said, what's a good car to buy?

I have tried that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like you've gone to her place of work and you've asked for her specialty and said, hey. Is this the cheese place? Cool. What should I get Tony for Secret Santa?

You know, and she goes, who's Tony? Like what's that? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I think that's fucking fully fine. Okay, well, thank you for backing me up. I'm actually upset that someone would go, well, fucking point a stick at what cheese you want. And you go, well, no, I'm actually upset that someone would go, well, fucking point a stick at what cheese you want.

And you go, well, no, I'm actually asking you for. Yeah, no, I think that's fine. Even if she lied. Just make something up, man. Just fucking make it up. If she had have gone, we fucking can't even sell this thing. This guy's got no idea what he's talking about. Or she goes, this is $100.

I reckon I can rip this guy off. Yeah, he's good for it. His friend drives an Audi. And yeah, yeah, fucking have this stuff. And I go I can rip this guy off. Yeah, he's good for it. His friend drives an Audi. And she goes, yeah, yeah, if I can have this stuff. And I go, okay, great. Great. Give me 200 grams, slap it in a plastic bag, sweetheart. Cheers.

Great. Merry Christmas. You know, I'm on your side there. And that never happened. That does never happen. That's in for 2023. So we can all agree. Yeah.

I was within my rights at the cheese place. We can all agree. We can all. Yeah. I'm on your side. You are on my side and that was fucking good gear. So we can all agree that that cheese lady was a bit of a mole and zucchinis and cucumbers were the same thing.

She's not good at her job. When you left, did you say, hey, Merry Swissmas? I wish I knew what cheeses were so I could contribute to the joke. And a hot bring new year. Coming up with these jokes are hard. Because I only know hard and soft. Hard and soft. Yeah.

Soft ball that one in. You love to say it? You love to say it. What do you go for? All right. I've got an Instagram account that I found that I think is magical and beautiful and I absolutely love it. Please.

Okay. The handle, I'm just going to open it up here for you, Ryan, so that you can have a scroll. It's called Subway Hands and it's literally pictures. So someone goes onto the subway and takes pictures of people's hands of, like, whatever they're doing and then asks for permission after if, like, they can post it and stuff. I was just about to say.

Yeah, no. Is there consent here? Because it could be a bit creepy. No, so she does a business card and it says, you've been subway hands to, like, let me know if this is all good kind of thing. Okay. But it's people in just, just like their natural, you know,

like they're in transit. They're just either on their phone. Look at that girl's epic nails. Yeah, or like holding their, so there's a few reels. This one's a bit interesting. Yeah, yeah, that one's holding a knife. I think it's a plastic knife for Halloween. I should hope so.

But, you know, it's like people holding hands or people holding a book or watching the sport on their phone. And I just, I went through it and I was like, this is, it's a bit like Humans of New York vibes. It is. And I like the, so this one. But there's no context. Like you don't get a story. It's literally just the photo.

Well, I think that adds to the mystery. It does. Yeah. And so this one I've just randomly scrolled to on Subway Hands is a guy in his right hand. He's got a bunch of roses. Yeah. And in his left hand, he's got a big sign that paints it on. It says, will you marry me?

So, I mean, like what happened to him that day? How are they going? Yeah. I love the picture. Oh, the top comment says she said yes. She said yes. It's a miracle. Thanks for bringing this to my life.

Yeah. Yes, guys. Oh, my God. It's really, really nice. So I recommend you having a scroll. It's got like 400,000 followers and I just found it and I'm pretending it's like a discovery of mine. Oh, no, you've just found it today. But yeah.

That is a good find. I found it and I just thought it was like really beautiful. That is beautiful. Art. Yep. No context. Yep. Just nice to enjoy. That's great. You. Yep. No context. Yep. Just nice to enjoy.

That's great. You'll love to see it. But yeah, thank you. My love to see it is I went to Bunnings the other day, which is the big hardware store in Australia. And you know how they've got that person at the front who's like... The greeter. The greeter.

And they check your receipt and you go, what aisle's the bloody painting? Bunnings is so big, I always rock up. Yeah, point me in the right direction of this. Yeah. You know, on the website, if you put in what store you're going to, so say you type in Nailgun, it'll say, oh, at the Bunnings in Hawthorne, it's in aisle three, bay 12.

Really? It says it for every shop. Yep. Fuck, that's my love to see it. Yeah. Jeez, that would have saved me years of my life. Yeah. Anyway, so you're talking to the greeter and annoying them about where the thing is.

Yeah, I was after a pool noodle, which you enjoy. I did enjoy that pool noodle. Didn't you buy those from Kmart and Campbellfield though? Campbelltown? I went to Campbellfield. Campbelltown is in Sydney. Oh my God. On the 30th of December, I went to three different Bunnings and two different K-Marts.

To get pool noodles. Pool noodles. I got a little scoop from the pool. And I got all the bean bags for the bean bag thing. Yes. Because you have to buy the beans separately. The beans separate. Oh, my God.

And they're the expensive part. They actually are. Yeah. No, you don't love to see that. You don't love to see that. I've definitely bought a bean bag going, what a great deal. And then gone, oh, cool. Beans.

B-Y-O. Beans. Do you know what I mean? And then they're $200. Madness. So I go to the greeter, I'm asking him, and he is looking like he's had a massive night. He's like 19 years old, this bloke, and he's like, oh,

like helpful but just clearly struggling. Yeah. Yeah. And then as he goes, yeah, mate, just down there, he like looked at his phone and his eyes lit up a bit. And I was like, what's going on here? Maybe he's checked the time. That's a bit rude, though.

You did it while you were asking for help. Yeah. Fuck, you haven't had good luck, the cheese bitch nowadays. But his eyes lit up a bit. I'm like, oh, maybe it's almost his break or maybe it's the end of his shift and he can finally go home. Because he was clear. And it was a hot day. He was standing out there chatting to old Cam.

He just wants to buy a sausage sizzle and fuck off. Yeah. Well, he didn't want a sausage sizzle. I went in, got the pool net thing, the scooper, came back out. And he'd ordered from, whilst working, Uber Eats. And he'd been delivered KFC to him at the front desk. Was he still working? Yep.

What? So you know how they've got like a little, it's almost like a lectern? Yeah. So like underneath the lectern, he's just like got his, and the Uber Eats guy just walks into the bar and he's like, oh yeah, KFC. And he's like, yep, comes here or whatever it was. Deliveroo, you know, one of them.

Yeah, not Deliveroo, RIP. Out in 2022, Deliveroo. Deliveroo, you know, one of them. Yeah, not Deliveroo, RIP. RIP. Out in 2022, Deliveroo. Deliverooted, that's what they say. Thanks. And so he's got a zinger, a large shit. I fucking don't rate that. I think that's so rude.

Well, I reckon he must have been getting... Imagine if I was just sitting here and working. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine, inverted commas, working, inverted commas. And then fucking, you know Steve on his bike cycles in And fucking drops off at my Uber Eats

That'd be pretty I respected it And I love to see it I don't know about that You're doing a customer service job? Yeah, well When I fucking worked as a checkout We weren't even allowed fucking bottles of water

Really? No, they were like It just looks really unprofessional If you're standing there having a drink or whatever. No wonder every deli bitch is a bitch. Yeah. They're dehydrated. Yes.

Well, you're not allowed water bottles in the deli for health and safety reasons. You can't take anything in. Nothing comes in, nothing goes out. No, that's exactly right. But anyway, yeah, I don't know. You don't know about that? Okay. Well, I respected it for him.

I guess I respect the hustle. At least he didn't just call in sick. Maybe he tried to call in sick and they went, Bethany's also called in sick. You have to come in. And he went, fuck, well, here's my one. I'll do it. However. I'm having KFC.

Well, to be fair, when I rocked up and asked where something was, he was on it and he sent me to the right place. He was checking his phone. But he still answered the question. It wasn't like he went, oh, hang on a sec, mate. But he went, yeah, aisle 12 while he was checking his phone. I mean, all I needed to know was the aisle and he gave... That's true. That's fair enough.

Yeah, okay. I mean, put it this way. I'd rather the bitch at the cheese place was eating KFC and was still kind to me than the other way around. In fact, you know why she was in a bad mood? She hadn't had any KFC. No zingers. Yeah.

Wicked wings. That's what she needed. Yeah, but not today. So, all right, controversial. Controversial. Tomorrow we're back with the video show. Many our show. And we've got an audio queen.

Okay, and this is not a... The audio queen. It's just one story tomorrow. Yeah. A bit like if you were listening to The Best Of over Christmas, you would have heard me do the London story about the medical emergency. So tomorrow's story is from Tapa Brittany. Hi, Tapa Brittany.

Actually, I will definitely change her name tomorrow. Tapa Schmittney. She and her, I think, now ex-boyfriend. Actually, say no more. Say no more. An ex-boy and now ex, that's enough. But what I will say is when it time to do the hippity-dippity, there were other family members involved.

Involved. Big crossover. Very close-knit families. I don't think I'm going to come in to work tomorrow. Well, you have to. I need to avoid this. Audio Queen without the Audio Queen is... My KFC's just arrived.

Oh, sorry. See you tomorrow. Bye.