Toni and Ryan - WHAT% OF YOUR BFFS BODY HAVE YOU SEEN? | MOST REPLAYED OF March

Episode Date: April 4, 2026

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Can we say at the same time what we reckon we've seen of each other? Three, two, one, 92. I've seen like the top of your butt and butt crack, but I haven't seen your whole butt. So you're saying that my whole butt is about 8% of my body? Yeah. Okay. I haven't seen you with your foreskin pulled back. So that's why it lost a couple of points.

My two-year-old daughter and I are sitting on a park bench, she says, Dad, I need to fart. Bless her. And I go, oh, okay. And she goes, do you need to fart? Always. She just ripped the big, like she does massive farts. Yeah.

Then dad had a crack and we both giggled because farts are funny. Totally. And then this like six year old comes over and sort of points like at my left, like, your pussy. I'm like, is he pointing at my butt? Like did I shit myself? He is the fuck police. Is he about to shame us?

This six year old points at our legs of this park bench and goes, Mom found you. His 40 year old mom was sitting under the park bench the whole. time because they were playing hide and seek and we just gone and sat there on top of her and both just let it rain and he goes spand and she goes oh you got me and i went oh oh we got you as well so i had to have like a proper like pain blocker directly into my anus and then what actually did end up happening was because after the surgery because you still have to have the prep so your tummy's still like a bit like your shits are still a bit thin but the pressure in the

asshole from the like nerve blocker felt like I needed to poo like the whole time like because it was like pressure on there so you feel like your turtleneck in the whole time anyway and then I was in bed and I thought that I was fine but because I couldn't feel it I had shit and then I shit on the floor in the bathroom because I couldn't feel my house off. In my house. I was on the bed and I'm getting on in a few weeks. I probably don't need to hear this shit. No, I don't think this will happen to you because you, I don't think you'll have to have

the pain blocker thing that I had. So, hang on. You shat the bed. You literally shut the bed. I've shot the bed. So there's not poo in the bed because I rolled quick enough, but I'm sitting there with my body on the bed. but my ass off the bed

and as I walked to the toilet the shit fell out of my ass like Hansel and Gretel leaving a fucking trail to get back to the witch's house and then I had literal plops of shit from my bed to the toilet

and some on the bath mat talks had to put that in the Samsung washing machine not sponsored but could be they don't want it Samsung don't want it Yeah. Question. Question.

I think it would be totally fair that even though we're all adults and you can put it in the Samsung and you can wash it and it's fine. Something about like, throw it out. If human shit's been on it. Yeah. Just fuck it off. Yeah. Just fuck it off. So because my asshole was so sensitive, I couldn't actually wipe the shit out of it.

So I had to get in the shower. Do we need to put it to warning on this episode? This is fucking. I wasn't actually going to tell this story. I've got something else I was going to tell. But this is good. Yeah, you keep waving this fucking thing. No, is it? And then it was so, like, sore my asshole and so sensitive.

And I couldn't really, it wasn't supposed to, like, sit on the toilet. It wasn't supposed to, like, you know, spend a lot of time in there. So what are you supposed to do? So then I got in the shower. And with the handheld thing, I, like, tried to, like, reach around and, like, wash myself like a handheld bidet. But I couldn't really reach it. And I was still, like, really fuzzy and not very well from the anesthetic.

So I just stood in the shower and pulled my cheeks. part and Torbs rinks me out. He loves me so much. I was rimmed by a passionate person. I can't get any lower in this chair. I know. I couldn't get any lower in my moral value. So true.

I know. God coast. I know. So you spread him. Yeah. And he just, yeah. It's like,

even though it was like a low moment, it was also a bit, like it was nice. It was, I felt very love. like because I was like well what would I have done if we weren't that close you know what I mean I'm going to ask you something yeah please because can we mention something off air about the pimples the pimples the pimples that you're like sometimes if I think I've got a pimple in a weird oh yeah if I've got like an ingrown hair or something towards will have a look at it yeah yeah

this sounds like a weird sexy thing to say and that's not how I mean it okay how much time does Torb spend inspecting your body? Um, not that much. Like six percent of his day? Nah, no, no. Like, I'm, this may be once a month, maybe.

That feels higher. At the most that I would be like, oh, can you have a look at this thing? Just because I'm like, well, if I can't see it, if it's like on my butt or like, whatever. Because that feels like a lot.

No, but it doesn't. Like, I reckon I've heard six stories of guys inspecting girls before and they're all from you. Yeah, we've been friends for a long time, though. So, but I just think, like, what am I going to do? Like, if I can't see it, I would just be like, oh, can you have a look at this? Or if he's like, oh, can you have, like, see if this pimple on my bum, like, is it ready?

Because it's really sore or whatever. Have you, have you popped a bum pimple off his butt? He doesn't let me pop anything. Yeah. Because he's like, no, it'll just like take care of itself. I just want to know if it looks, like, infected or whatever. Who's got the patience? He's very patient.

Because when you're. When you see. Like he's obviously very patient. No, like it's. But like who's got, when there's a juicy one that could be popped, who's not popping? He doesn't allow it. Anyway, what I was going to show you is that they give you the discharge documents. And I've just highlighted one line for you to read out.

And this is like, so the doctor's been in. She's said all good. Everything's happened. And then this is what they give you on the way out. What was the last time you gave me some paperwork with some feedback? What was that from? The email that I wrote to the people ringing Libby's doorbell. Yeah.

Oh, no, there was something else that was just like very self-congratulatory. Oh, it was probably about Birxby November. That, like, Dr. Taylor had been like, she is well on her way. Yeah. Yeah. Read it out. The bow preparation was excellent. A Boston bow.

Don't know what that means. Keep reading. Preparation score. No. Boston bow preparation score. Oh, Boston bow preparation score. Mm-hmm. Nine.

Charles, Google what the scale is, the Boston bowel preparation scale. What's it out of? Out of nine. Nine out of nine. Nine out of nine. So it turns out I am a motherfucking high achiever. Yeah, I shot on the floor. Yeah, I shot on the floor.

Yeah. All good, though, because I'm a fucking nine out of nine. Yeah, you did destroy a rug, but you are a nine out of nine. Nine out of nine. Yeah, you're probably going to die of cancer in the next three months, but you are a nine out of nine out of nine. I just might find out I've got it. Oh.

And that's okay. Then what happens? Well, then I'll deal with it. And you've already got a will. I've already got a will. Not according to the hospital one. They did not want to hear about it. Have we updated the will since Charles has been the new dog sitter?

Because I remember some other dog sitter. It was very high on the list. Yeah, well, people... And some people in this room, not on the list at all. No, no one here is on the list at all, actually. That's what I mean? Is it time to... Update it?

No, I think that I'm happy with where it's at. And you know what? I wouldn't worry because apparently the will means nothing because they don't even want to hear about it. Yeah, I don't think it really matters. But yeah, so pretty good from me. So I've had my colonoscopy. Very proud of myself.

You're going shortly. It's going to be wonderful. I'm not just having a look at my bow. Yeah, all look good. I can't learn anything worse than what I already. Like today's been an education. Yeah, but it's not bad for medical reasons. Oh, I didn't need to read that before I need one.

What did you read? Oh, just like the depth they got. Oh, what is it? I haven't read, I haven't seen that. I just saw that I did so well and I was like, that's me, done. Then I stopped paying attention. Yeah. Hey, Danny, you've had a few colonel.

Is you ever gotten a nine? I've never really seen my school. I have the same document thing there. I should check it. I'll let you know. I bet you've never got them. Probably not. I wonder how many people care as much.

I just couldn't believe it. And you know, it was the first thing that they said to me when I came out of anesthetic, they wheeled me back into the recovery area or whatever. And they were just like, oh, how are you feeling? I was like, yeah, are we all done? Like, and they go, yeah, like it was a success.

And they say, girl, you've got the cleanest ass I've ever seen. Your bowel preparation was some of the best I've ever seen. That's what Dr. Dassey. said, I'm actually not even fucking you. And she, and I was like, can you write that down? And she goes, it's in the report. Because I was like, I want to remember this. And then I fell back to sleep. And then I woke up and I was like, so I think I dream we were talking before. She's like, no, we were. You fell asleep while we were talking. I've just had a bit of a Google. And so they're saying a large majority of people normally get a seven or a six, six, seven,

but there's not a lot out there who get a nine. that's wonderful news I would take that to the grave probably soon pending the cancer diagnosis what should I be aiming for I think a seven is wonderful I think I've got a 10 in me

it doesn't go to 10 not with that attitude that's what losers would say no it doesn't go to 10 it says they went in 15 centimetres with no difficulty because of my wonderful preparation

doesn't the word no difficulty It feels like a read, doesn't it? No, I was a little bit. I played coy a little bit. I didn't give it up straight away. That's what it reads. Yeah, just gave it up.

You've got the easiest assort we've ever seen. Clean. Couldn't touch both sides at once. Withdrawal time is funny. Cool. All right. Well, I've had enough now. Okay.

I've got any love to see it. Do you have the pictures of my bowel? I've got one over here. for safekeeping. When you Google the bow scale and then you click images, a lot of those pictures show up. Mine. Not yours,

but just a lot of other people's. Yeah, you've just seen a lot of anus. My love to see it is from Lucas. Hi, Lucas. I find, okay. Wonder what Lucas scored on the Boston Bowerscale.

I'm actually not joking. When you hear about Lucas and his life, you'll be like, well, if anyone got a 10, it was probably this guy. Okay. He just got that energy about. Yeah. Because some people just, you know, some people just do life right.

Some people ooze excellence. You're looking at one. I don't think that was excellence. It was excrement. Ouse something. Some people just ooze escriman. Do you know what I found out that unc means uncle, not uncle. You just said the same word twice.

No, I thought it was uncle, as in like Uncle Ryan. Yeah. But it's uncool. Oh. Like that's so unc. I thought it was like, that's so uncle energy like ill cringe, but it's like uncle. Like you,

that's to be fair, they could, it's the same thing. Is it? Like uncle. Like an uncle is normally uncool. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Oh. But unc yeah, means uncool not. Give me your top three unk things at the moment. Personally, just like, oh,

I'm not really vibed with this. War, uh, unk. That's how the Gen Zs are talking about the state of the world right now. If we're doing a top three and that's third,

that's, um, Oh no, there's a guy from the shop. Oh, bad marcher. Oh, Unk. Is this for me or is this like how someone would talk on the internet? Who's to say? It's for you. What are you not liking?

Oh, I'm not liking that I just can't be the right temperature at the moment. It is the opposite of Unk. It's Auntie. I'm a flight attendant and I just watch Strangers become lovers in 80 minutes. A late 40s woman. Hot. Window seat alone. Hot.

The last person to board the flight is this old silver fox. And he takes the aisle seat right next to where. Hello. Just awkward small sport or small talk. Standard stuff. Sorry, I'm rattled because I know what's coming. Yeah.

And that's him. And it's me. He then leans over because the type of flight attendant's like, oh, can I get you guys a drink? Yeah, a bag of peanuts, a biscoff cookie. So instead of leaning to the flight attendant, putting his order in, the silver fox leans to the lady and goes, I'm getting a margarita. Do you want one?

Like, just laid it down. Isn't that the boldest, hottest movie you've ever heard? I would crane my jeans. So the tarpa's taking the order and they're just standing there like, how's she going to react? Like, he's just put it out there. Yeah. I know it's a short flight, but we've just started, you know,

And she sort of, you can see her thinking, like she's taking it, like the, the silence is killing me. Yeah. I'm like, it's like I didn't breathe. She turns to him and says, do you reckon they do a spicy one? The tapas says, we do. I did. I go and get two margaritas, spicy.

She goes, Where was the lot? Do they do cocktails on planes? I don't know the airline and I don't know which end of the plane they were at. Oh, it might be the... It feels like. Because I don't think you can... Like, normally they say, do you want an apple juice?

We've got no ice. You know what I mean? Like, it's... The other day on the plane that someone was like, could I get a cup of tea? And they're like, we don't do hot drinks. I was like... Okay. Yeah, great.

Sure. What are you offering then? Yeah. What is... What are you got on available? Sorry. My first day, obviously. What do you got?

but people. The two spicy mugs were gone before I could blink. They ordered another round. By the time... They must have been at the fancy end because you can't just... Yeah, can I get on and they go, fuck you, I'm doing the whole plane. I'll be back in seven hours. Yeah, they don't offer you another drink, like, down fucking near the toilet.

The first two are gone. She drops off the next round. And then her hand is on his leg. And they're chatting and having a great time. Laughing. A hand on the legs. nice move, eh? Because, especially after the laugh.

Yeah. Yeah. A hand on a let, though, that like gives me tingly piss. So then the tarpa is a few rows back. Yeah. And. Well, because he's working. Yeah.

He looks back and he sees them laughing and, you know, you can see like the top of the two heads poking above the seat or whatever. Yeah. And then he fixes up the next person doing it. Then he looks back and he only sees the man's head. Not hers. Now, I'm just going to read this sentence. No, you go.

You wouldn't want someone to suck your cock that had just had two spicy margaritas. Would you? No. Right in your hook and eye. Oh. Like, imagine, I've got chili flakes on my lips. Like, no, I've got my chili flake lips on your dick.

Like, that would be spicy willy. as someone who once applied deep heat and then went and took a piss it's a no for me and I'm feeling or is that what happened right or or is that the greatest blowjob of his life do you want to try it yes I'm just going to read this next sentence what Tony's hiding behind her iPad why are you hiding what's happened do you want a spicy mug No, I'm okay

What just happened? No, it's okay Charles, what just happened? I don't know. Go on. No, it's just laughing about the mother, or eat a penis. We ask people to share

and I'm going to need you to share what just went through your mind. So. No. We can't expect people to share their stories with us if we're not prepared to be honest and share our stories with them. This one is especially grim, though.

So, you know how I had to do? You know how recently we had a lot of colonoscopy chat? Because you and I are both having brolyoscopies. Well, in a lead-up to a colonoscopy, you have to do a white diet. I don't know where that's going, but that's already, yeah? And you've been partaking. Performed the physical act of love. which is a gob.

Yeah. And I swallowed because I'm a lady. You are a lady. And I... Tops is like, oh, that was unreal. And I was like, yeah, and it's all good because I'm on the white diet. Who is this silver fox getting gobbed on a commercial flight? And I want to know too.

They de-plained together. Is that like industry chat? What's de-plane? Like, de-robed? No, like they got off the plane together. Oh. Oh. Like when they landed, they left together.

He grabbed her... If you've got a connecting flight, are you replaining? What's the... I don't know, yeah, I de-plained. I don't like that term. You know, people like overly, like you got off the plane. It's like, you don't need a word for that. Just get off.

Yeah, you fucking... Well, he did. But yeah. They deplane together. And we're laughing, like, walking through the terminal. And also the Tapa and the other flight attendants, like, obviously there's a lot of winks and nods and like... Well, they would all be too.

I would be. You're saying this? Yeah. Yeah. They're really getting her. So they're like, so they're. So they're kind of like, oh, let's see what happens here. So they're kind of, you know, they're all going down to the baggage carousel.

Yeah. And then she kind of points to her bag and he just sort of goes, you wait, I'll grab your bag for you. That's a great move. You and Charles always do that for me. We do. Yeah. The white diet. He grabs her bag from the carousel, then hands them to his driver who carries them.

And then he escorts her and says, oh, just jump in the back of the black SUV. then they, he jumps in after her and they drive off. I would suck a rich guy off on a plane. If you then didn't have to wait for a no bar. Confession from a tarpa. Hi, Tapa. My husband has been bragging around the house to me. Oh.

That he made me squirt. Oh, cute. If only he knew the truth. When Tony met Ryan, she had a pimple on her vagina. I, says the Tapa, I've only twice got a pimple, a pimp near the vimp. A red mole next to me, red hole. One morning we both woke up early and it was just on.

You know those times when it's like, you're just like, it's just happening. Yeah. Don't you like those mornings? I do. I think it's nice. Yeah. And because often in the morning it's like you get up, you've got to get your shit together. Like you don't have like time in there.

I'm assuming it's a Saturday morning. I thought that too. Yeah. It's got Saturday morning energy. It does. Well, you don't have to be anywhere normally. I had no place to be except in that. Yeah.

My husband did his thing, giving me a quality five-star weinering. Nice. Relationship dick. Mid-performance, he unknowingly popped the pimple. I moaned louder than I ever had before, and the people exploded all over his stomach. Oh. He froze.

and then he looked up and he looked so proud of himself. So proud, I couldn't bear to tell him the truth. And you can't. You can't. You can't. You can't. That's, yeah. To this day, he still goes, I remember that time? And she goes, oh, baby.

That's what you say to me. Oh, baby. How would you say it? Okay, hey, man, Tony, remember that time? Hey, mate. Hey, mate, remember that time? I remember that time I fucking threw one in there. Fucking 10-4 big dog.

Yeah. I remember. No, hey, let's... Hey, I remember that time? Yeah. That's what I would say. Yeah. And that time was like to Tom's as well. Yeah.

To this day, he's... Have you ever squirted? Me? Yeah. What's your definition of squirt? Yeah. What's your definition? Yeah.

Is there a version of it for boys where like you don't fully come but you like half come before you do a big come? You mean like pre-come? But pre-come doesn't feel like it just calms out, but it's not, you know? Yeah. So what's the question? No, but is there a version for, or is it just one of the awesome things about being a woman like multiple orgasms? Just like, awesome.

Probably, yeah. I also just realized that we closed the window so the noise wouldn't come in. Now I'm thankful that we close them to our noise didn't go out to the streets of Riga. Yeah, the Casadella Pastor. I wouldn't have appreciated that. Oh, maybe they would have. Should we go there tonight? I am so horny for Cassad...

What's it actually called? We're staying above Casa Delatalla. Yeah, and I went to high school with a girl called Crystal Delaposta. And every time I see it, I call it Crystal Delaposta, but it's called Casadella Pasta. Well, hang on, we can literally look because we're on... yeah that's right Casa della pasta Yeah crystal della pasta

That's pretty close It's good yeah Let's have dinner there tonight Yeah and we're just all fucking have a big squirt Oh there's torbs Speaking of the big Speaking of the 10 4 big dog

I will never ever correct him Nah you really Let him have that I think The only reason that I would say That you should correct him as if he did it doing something that you don't like and you don't want him to keep try doing. Remember that time when I reached around

and fucking threw it in the thing. Well, and she got, well, fuck, you think I squirted, but I actually was like thinking about the casserole I'm making for dinner. Like... And that's what got her going.

Yeah, she's like, oh my... I actually have squirted ones as when someone put a delicious casserole in front of me and I just went, what's a casserole? Is it just anything in a baked dish? Um...

And like, I know that. you know what I mean? I think it is. Is it like is a lasagna basically a casserole? Oh fuck, they're not going to let me into Italy, I would miss.

There's just no way. You said that in eye shot of cassa delapasta. How fucking dare you. I wonder how crystal delaposta's going. Probably not squirting pimple juice on her husband's stomach. But who am I to say? Maybe she is. Maybe that she's the one that's in him.

Tapa did squirt. Just wasn't the squirt you... Well, he... He did make her... Yeah. Squirt. Yeah. That's what I mean.

Like, so... Have you popped a pimple of mine? You've got a nice looking one on the back of your head that I've been fucking high off. And I'm not a big pimple pop up, but it looks good. It's just here. I think it's just from when you got your... Oh, here?

Yeah. I think it's just like from when you got your haircut and they've done the clothes shape. You know how something you get a little ingrown? Yeah. No, I... It's not for me. Would you make me... squirt on this podcast.

No, no, no. And I think I would throw up. And so would Charles. Well, Charles is ready to go either way. Charles is throwing up every day since we've been in life. Legal little. That's a hard no. Shall I make myself squirt on the podcast?

Turn around. Show me. Fuck. It's like ready to go, I reckon. Go on. Oh, no, it's too gross. Is it going to hurt? Is it too gross?

I didn't even know I had it until you. Ah! Hang on. Show me. You haven't gotten it. It just looks red and angry. Maybe it's not ready. No,

it's not ready. It hurts now. Why did you do? Why did you do that? I was trying to make you squirt. You forced me to squirt. Sorry, I love you. Wanted you to squirt.

I'll get you some casta della crystal. Crystal de la Costa would never. Oh, it's hurting now. Yeah, it looks bad. Maybe I should squeeze it more. And pop it. Oh! It's bleeding.

Show me? Oh Is today titled Ryan Squirts on the show? We'll be back in a minute Hang on I got to get that Oh