Toni and Ryan - Who gets custody of the dog?

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Things you can say to a pirate and Ryan's Radio Tales! Love ya xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hi, is that Tim? It is. Is this Tony? Yes! Oh, Ryan's there too, thank God. Oh, okay. I'll just go fuck myself.

You guys can approve the podcast yourselves. Timothy, it is lovely to chat to you, sir. Would you approve the podcast today? Well, I want to make sure I understand what I'm approving. Like, are there going to be crap recommendations? Are we going to be doing offensive voices? What are we thinking? Hang on, hang on.

No, this is blind approval. No, I think he's got a point. You need to know what you're signing up for when you give your approval. No, it's like a blind date. You don't know what you're going to get. It's a mixed bag. What I can tell you is that you will be approving pirate pickup lines. Well, then what's something you can say as a tarper and also in the bedroom?

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I like that. That's good. You're back in. We approve you approving that. Okay.

Hey, this is Tim from St. Paul, Minnesota, and I approve this podcast. So the reason it was so good is because, like, it's weird to have a gavel and I wouldn't judge them for having it, but then, like, I wouldn't judge you because, like, they're judged. Because that's who would have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

Fuck, that sent me. I've been thinking about it all day too. Oh, mate. Yeah, absolutely. But the milk. No, just kidding. What's the? The milk. Remember when we drank that milk and it cemented our friendship? No, just kidding. What's the?

The milk. Remember when we drank that milk and it cemented our friendship? Yeah. Yep. Cemented it like thick, strong, solid milk. Creamy milk should. Yep. Okay, that's okay though. We're on the show today.

Yeah, all right. That was good milk though. That was fucking great milk. Today on the show. Yep. And actually, let's just peer fucking great milk. Today on the show. Yeah. And actually, let's just peer back the curtain. We were going to peel back the curtain. You said peer.

You said peer back the curtain. Shame. Let's peer back the curtain. Let's peer back the curtain. We were going to do things you can say in outer space and also in the bedroom. People love the in the bedroom segment. But Tony messaged me and said, have a look at this. And it was just a photo of you with an eye patch. So today we'll be doing things you can say to a pirate and also

in the bedroom. But why? People want to know. Why were you eyepatched? Was it in fact what I thought it may have been? Okay, so Ryan, you messaged me back and said, oh, someone just in your eye, which is very funny, but no, that is not what happened. So I have spoken about the cat that lives a couple of houses down from us. John. And her owner, so the cat is actually called like Lila or something. I prefer John.

John is a better name. Yeah, it's a stronger name. Thank you. If I had a middle name, I'd call it John. Okay. With an H though. You wouldn't do it without an H. No.

Anyway, and I know her owner, the cat's owner. Yep. And she's lovely. We've caught up a couple of times. The other day she locked herself out, so she crawled through our back garden. Really? Yeah, we're good mates. You don't just crawl through anyone's back garden.

Exactly. I've always said that. You normally start in the front, but she went straight to the back. Anyway, and normally the cat only comes over in the afternoon or at night time. Okay. Because I start work at 7, so I woke up at 6.30, had some breakfast or whatever, but the cat was, like, in our house

and we had slept with the door open because it was like a really hot night and the cat was in the house. Just sleeping on the couch, having a good time. And just like just kind of about to walk in when I woke up and I was just like, John, like you need to get out because I'm so allergic. Otherwise, because I love the cat. She's lovely.

I've given her a couple of scratches. John's a her? John's a her. Anyway, I shooed the cat out and she was meowing a lot. So I was just like, you okay? I gave her a little scratch and then washed my hands, obviously not well enough, and then literally my eye was like the size of the fucking planet.

And I had to work because normally the only thing that cures it is like going to sleep. But anyway, so I had to wear an eye patch all day. So I put like heaps of eye drops in my eye and then had to wear a patch. And because I also wear glasses, I like had the patch under my glasses so I could still see. Did you have any like zoom chats with work or anything? Yeah, I did. And you had to wear the eye patch? No, I took it off before I went on the zoom. Did that look better or worse? It was pretty crusty, but it's, it's healed now. Like it looks fine, but it was a fucking hot mess yesterday. Yeah, okay. But do you stand by the decision to do Pirates?

Yes, absolutely, because then I went to Kmart and got all this cool stuff. So we're going to dress up for this, are we? What have we got here? Okay. So there's a shirt and pants. These are children's costumes, by the way. It's all they had at Kmart.

Did you know it was children's costumes? Yes. I'm going to try and put the shirt on. Okay. That's brave. Please don't fat shame me. Okay. No, it's all they had at Kmart. Did you know it was children's costume? Yes. I'm going to try and put the shirt on. Okay. That's brave. Okay. Please don't fat shame me. Okay.

No, not at all. It just doesn't even look like it would fit an actual child. It's so tiny. Is it going to fit? Okay. So Ryan's got his headphones off. He's going to try and put on this, like, tiny child's clothing. Okay.

It's over the head. That's clothing. Okay, it's over the head. That's good. Okay, over one of your hulking biceps. Well, I reckon just do it like that. Okay, it's over one arm. It's going over the other arm. Oh, it's like a crop. Oh, you look like a girl that works at Supra.

I feel like a scarecrow because my arms won't go down. I think that looks really good though. All right, I'm just going to put it on the iPad. I shouldn't do the whole segment like this, should I? Okay, you've nixed the shirt. Now it's on your head as a hat. All good. You look great.

Thank you. You look fantastic. All right. Things you can say. Is this to a pirate or as a pirate? No, it's things you can say, like, I guess it's just pirate theme. It's not one or the other. Unintention it's just pirate theme. I think I've... It's not one or the other.

Unintentionally just written pirate pick-up lines. Okay. Does that count? I guess so, as long as they work in context. But it's pirate theme. To a pirate, as a pirate, whatever. Things you can say as a pirate and also in the bedroom. Fuck, it's wet.

I hope you've got insurance. I've got pirate insurance. Yeah. The premiums are absolutely astounding. Sorry, can we just set up that we've both got, like, pirate patches and hook hands, so for anybody listening that can't see us, which is everyone. I just hooked my microphone in to bring it closer.

It was very funny. I feel like I need to start all of them with arrr. You can if you want. That's your choice. That's your artistic choice. Arr. Would you mind if I fired me cannon into your porthole? I don't think that's what I was supposed to say.

But can you do the one at the front? I hate it when you fire the porthole in the back. Not the poop deck. Will your whole crew be joining us? Just because I love seeing a lot of semen. Well, I'm glad you said that because you're going to see a lot. Keep those glasses on. Protect me eyes.

Arr, there she blows. Yeah, she fucking does. Oh, you can't see me winking? It's under my eye patch. We both winked under our patches. Yes. How long do these voyages normally take? Just because I really don't want to get scurvy.

Losing a lot of fluids. About 15 minutes. 14 to get my belt off and the rest is all just good times. Hey, flick your iPad, Trump, let's go. I'm looking for somewhere to bury me treasure. How about that booty? Now walk the plank or you'll have to wank. Why not both?

I mean, you can, yeah. I mean, what you do in your own time is up to you. Hey, Tony. Yeah? Want to get pegged? Yes. With your leg or? You can call it whatever you want.

Hey, Tony, my peg leg isn't the only leg made out of wood. Hey, Ryan, me peg leg isn't the only peg doing pegging. Excuse me, can you just say peg a few more times? Peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg. Urgh. Sorry, I'm really uncoordinated with the whole outfit. Urgh. Smells like fish in the galley again.

We've been at sea for quite some time. I see that bird on your shoulder. Do you want my pussy on your face? I just assume we're just putting animals on things now. Is that... I see the bird on... What's the problem? Oh, someone has sent one in.

This is from Captain Birdseye. Are you hungry, my honey? Aye, aye, Captain Birdseye. I'll sing you a song, a song of the sea. Birds and fish fingers. Wouldn't you like some fish fingers, you big old dog, Captain Birdseye? Or a fish peg, maybe, for Captain Birdseye. For people not in Australia, that is an iconic TV ad from back in the day. And they were literally like in a, like the set was like a proper bottom of a pirate ship.

It was fucking awesome. Can I stab you with me sword? Your meat sword. A pork sword. Do they have pork in the ocean? Probably not. Probably not. I think that's from pigs.

A pork sword. Do they have pork in the ocean? Probably not. Probably not. I think that's from pigs. Ah! Arr! A bit of a curve in your hook.

Go around the corner. Arr! Can I dock me ship in your port? You can, but it's very expensive. Docking fees are astronomical. Oh, I can't see one of your eyes. Can you show me your brown eye instead? That is Australian slang for butthole. That is Australian slang for butthole.

Have you tidied up down there? Am I going to have to scrape off a few barnacles? Hey, Ryan, got wood and leg? Walk on my plank. Oh. This is if the ship is sinking. Okay, great. Yep.

And this also works as a Titanic joke. Oh, okay. If we ever did things you can say Titanic. Well, I'll write it down. Write it down. We'll do it next week. Yeah. Oh, the ship isn't the only thing going down tonight. Okay. I would like for you to re-deliver that, but with the

panic of someone who is on a sinking ship. Like I want you to paint a word picture of that, what that's like. So you need to give me the panic. You need to give me the water that's like. So you need to give me the panic. You need to give me the water that's coming. Yeah, I need it. Okay. Oh, my God, what do we do? Do we go up to the thing or do we jump in the lifeboat?

That's not how a pirate would sound. Give me the line again. All right. Oh, my God, what are we going to do? We could head up to the starboard port or we could jump onto the boats and, oh, God, this ship is going down, but it is not the only thing going down tonight. That was very good.

Audio king. No, there's only one audio royalty in the building, and it is not I. That was great, though. Arr. Arr. Arr. Would you look at all those semen? Someone commented and said that their dad was a semen in the Navy.

Well, I mean, we all started as semen, but yep. Well, so on her birth certificate, it says the word seaman. And so every time she needs a birth certificate, she's like, seaman. That's very funny. Do you want to hear a fun fact? Sure. So I wondered why pirates have eye patches. It's because they don't have eyes.

No, it's not. The reason pirates wear eye patches is so that when they go down into the galley or, like, underneath the ship or it gets dark or whatever, you flick the patch to the other eye and it makes you see better in the dark because this eye is already accustomed to being in the dark. So you have, like, a light eye and a dark eye? Yeah. To go with your brown eye.

Is that what you're saying? That's very funny. And then when you don't want to get reamed from behind, you put the patch on your arsehole. And fuck in the eye instead. Oh, God. Are you hungry, Mahali? Aye, aye, captain.

Better sign. I'll sing you a song, a song of the sheep Birds and fish fingers How gross is fish fingers just saying it? I'll show you my C word We'll be back after the... Hey, this is Tim from St. Paul, Minnesota And you're listening to Tony and Ryan We've just had to put on our regular person attire.

We've had to de-pirate. Yeah, I just can't see when one... I know that most people can't see when one eye is covered, but my eyes are so crook that when I've got one covered, I actually just can't see anything and it really throws me. We were joking about the light eye and the dark eye, but now that I've taken the eye patch off, it feels like everything on the left that was covered is now so bright. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Because your pupils like- How do these pirates do it? Because your pupils like dilate differently to adjust to the light. That's what they do. Did you know that? They're clever. Yeah, they are.

Good on them. Yeah, good for them. Good for a few people that are champion tapas over at our Patreon. Dominic Fiorentino, Sam Andromedicis, and Brittany Stevens, and Jared McQuaig. I'm wondering why I'm thrown. I don't have my headphones on. Oh, that's why you feel strange.

Yeah. Big shout out to Jared McQuaid. He's doing such a great job in that Facebook group. And have you seen his TikToks? Yeah. Oh, my God, they're so funny. Do you know his TikTok? No, but I'll put it in the thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll put it in the thread because he posts like he dubs us and puts like towels to look like my hair and stuff. It's very funny. And it's very accurate. It is accurate. Yeah, I do look like I've just put a wig on or something. How are your headphones?

You all good? Yeah, sorry. Because you're going to want to hear this because this is some radio podcast gold. I don't know why I did that. That was really weird. Sorry, we can unpack that later. So my, would you call it my day job? Yeah, yeah.

Working. Wow, yeah. Kiss 101. job? Oh, yeah. Working. Oh, yeah. Kiss 101.1 in Melbourne, the radio station. Do you reckon that people would be gutted to hear you talk about radio as a day job? Because people think it's pretty, like, cool and, like, whatever. Oh, it is. It's great.

It's a great job. And it's not really a show. It's just, like, I play music, a lot of contests, win prizes. Yeah, it talks to lots of people. Yeah, it talks to lots of people. So at the moment we're doing this thing called the One Second Song. Yeah, what's that? So I play you, Tony, one second of a song,

and if you can guess what it is, you win $1,000. Oh, I'd be awful at that. Really? Yeah, I don't know any cool music. We could play right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, yep.

All right, here we go. All right, hi, I'm Kim from Perth. No, I don't know what that is. Really? That's Little Mix. No, don't tell me. You know Little Mix. What's that song?

Play the one second again. Well, now you know it. No, I don't think I would guess that. What about this one? When you drive and you love and you're regular. What is that song? Three, two, one. No, no, no, no.

One. Can I offer you the deal? You can win half the money if I play you two seconds, but you only win half. Oh, what's the total prize? $500. So I get $250. No, no, it's $1,000, sorry, and then you only get $500.

Oh, okay, yeah, play me another second. That's, I already knew that, so I don't know why I did that. Oh, you've got it wrong, too late. It is... I love that song! All right, so that's what I do every day. People call through and they guess and then we play some more music and then someone else guesses and it's pretty cruisy, pretty fun.

Yeah. Have a listen to this guy, Montel. So Montel has... Montel Jordan? No. Montel from St Albans. Okay, good. Good for you, Montel.

He wins and then just listen to how excited, and I mean $1,000 for... Oh, my God, huge. ...for doing, I'm guessing a song. song. I mean, it's the easiest money. Look at this. It's the easiest money you'll ever earn. I couldn't get it. I had two tries. Have a listen to what happens to him. You won $1,000. Well done.

No way. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. Sorry. I think I've just peed my tracksuits. Oh my gosh. I've actually just peed my pants. Oh my god. I knew it. I think I've just peed my tracksuits. Oh, my gosh. I've actually just peed my pants. I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, shit. You're fat. I knew it. I knew it. I swear. There we go. I knew it. So are you going to spend $1,000 on a new bedroom package

or are you going to spend it on new pants? Look, I've got plenty of trackies at home, so it's all right. He got so excited he peed himself in the car. I mean, we've all been there. Have we? Haven't we? Have we? Have we all been there?

That is so cool that he won the money, but also, like, fuck, that's so funny. Is the siren in the music bed or was he being pulled over? No, that was the radio station. Me going, oh, it's excited, I'll play a thing. Oh, okay. Because I thought he was being pulled over. I was like, holy shit. Could you imagine? It's like, oh, hang on. Let me juice this up. Tony Lodge. Yes. From Richmond, Victoria. Yeah. You have Oh, Ryan, I'm so nervous. Been arrested. Well done.

You're going to jail. Get off your phone while you're driving, you dickhead. Do I still win the $1,000? No, but we will cover your bail. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much, Kiss1011. You're right. Maybe we should take the siren out of that sound effect.

Yeah, like I actually thought he was being pulled over. I would talk to someone about that. I used to make those when I worked here. I would never put that siren in there. Wow. Who replaced you? Have a chat to them. Yeah, we'll talk to them.

Fuck. Is that the best feeling for you, though? When someone pisses themselves? Yeah, that's my goal every day. And if someone doesn't shit themselves during my shift, I haven't done a good job. You actually get, they dock your pay. They dock my pay. Well, it's more the other way around.

Here's base rate, which is pretty low, the low award. But if they shit themselves, we'll pump it up. You get the commish. But does it feel great? That person was obviously, that was going to make such a difference to them. I mean. It's pretty cool. It is cool.

But also, like, I'm just the facilitator. He wins the prize. He does it all. Oh, yeah. I just sit here and push the buttons. He's the one pissing himself and bringing the gold. You know what I'm saying? You should. He wins the prize. He does it all. Oh, yeah. I just sit here and push the buttons. He's the one pissing himself and bringing the gold. You know what I'm saying? You should have given him two grand.

So I don't have the audio of this, but let me set the scene. This lady called Renee calls through the other day. And so now you know how it works. Yeah. Renee calls and I play her the song and this is what I can hear. You're only here because you own the car. Yes. You weren't there during the course of the interview.

So Judge Judy's on in the background and she's like, I can't hear the song. I can't hear the song. And I was like, well... Dole, turn the fucking TV off. No. Jacoby always watches Judge Judy. I can't turn it off. But I can't hear the song. Can you play it a bit louder? And I was like,

Renee, you're going to have to go outside, mate. Or step away from the television. But Jacoby, my husband, he loves Judge Judy. I can't turn it off. He'll get furious. So you're just like, well, Doge, do you want to win the fucking money or not? Yeah, I was like, you've called me, mate.

If you can't hear because... Remember that? No. I mean, and you wouldn't want to turn that off. No, ma'am. Because you've got to know whether they had to split the dog custody or not. You know? So, and this is off air, so I'm like, oh, well, can you maybe jump outside?

Just for a minute. I mean, again, this is, it's for you. You're the one who's going to win. The phones are full. I can choose anyone. I can take someone else, yeah. And she goes, all right, I'll step outside, but it might be just as bad. And I was like, what do you mean?

Why, are you fucking watching Judge Judy out there as well? Because outside in the backyard we've got the bird cages. I can barely hear you over the birds. And if I go outside, the birds are here, but if I go back inside, it's what Judge Judy's back on. I can't quite hear. I don't understand how you expect me to play this game. What did you say in your complaint?

It's really painted a picture of the person that Renee is. It has. Yeah. She did not win. Oh, that's a shame. Did she end up turning Judge Judy off? No, she had a choice between the birds or Judge Judy and she went with the birds.

And so... Oh, is it a parakeet? No, it was Justin Bieber. Sorry, mate. And I just was like... Justin Birdbar. Well, it's like, you've called me, bud. And I couldn't stop laughing.

And she was real pissed at me because I couldn't turn it up any louder. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm playing it full ball. Yeah, and I can't turn your phone up. Yeah, I'm not in control of your stereo. Oh, my God. And that must just be so frustrating because you're just like, I want you to win.

Yeah, it's not my money. I want you to win. I can't do anything. Yeah. Fuck, that's funny. Well, you love to see that, I feel. Poor Renee and Jacoby trying to fucking, yeah, find out if they had to split custody of the dog.

But who's going to pay the dog? Jacoby will never know who's got the custody of the dog. What have you loved to see? I saw this meme yesterday and it fucking sent me. So it's a screenshot of a tweet. And you know when on Twitter you share a link and it's like a shortened version, so it's just like a jumble of letters? It was a story about

Elon Musk and Grimes just had another baby like a secret baby. No one knew it was coming. The tweet is from the New York Post and it says, Justin, Elon Musk and Grimes welcome secret baby. And there's like the jumble of letters for the link. And the link is underlined

and it's a screenshot and someone has posted, is that the name? I mean, it's not actually a joke because it's not that far off. Yeah, because the first baby was called like X Quantify 452 Square Root or fucking whatever. Well, the new one has a pretty interesting name. Well, you'd hope so. You don't want fucking XY Quantify Square Root fucking Ding Dong

and John or something. It does have a pretty, You don't want fucking XY Quantify, Square Root, fucking Ding Dong. And Jacoby. Or something. It does have a pretty, I don't want to say cook name, because, I mean, this is a child that's about, has been brought into this planet. And also will be rich as fuck, so don't anger them. But it's not that far off the jumbled link is what I'm saying. But it's so, I laughed about that. I was late to a meeting because I was laughing at that meme.

Torbs was like, aren't you supposed to be on a call? And I was like, fuck, and I jumped on the phone. Question. Question. If you rock up late to a meeting and go, sorry, I'm late, I was laughing at a meme, is that an acceptable reason to? I don't think so. Actually, at my work, they'd probably be like,

could you send that through? Like how funny it was. I work at a start-up, so they'd probably appreciate that. A little tech company, Tony. But, yeah, I'll actually share that into the fucking group because it fucking sent me. It's so funny. You know what I love to say this week?

Tell me. The Tony and Ryan podcast donated $1,042 to the Sikh Foundation via the chicken nugget challenge we did back in the day. Yes, yeah. So thank you to everyone from Patreon who contributed. Over $1,000 sent to them. With the floods in Queensland and New South Wales this week, within 34 hours of being asked, they cooked all these meals in Melbourne.

The Sikh volunteers. Yep. Drove up to the border of New South Wales and Queensland and were delivering meals for people who had just lost their homes to community workers who were out there helping other people and stuff and just all for free. And they said, here's our address. We've just parked on the side of the road.

Anyone needs a meal, come down. No questions asked. Happy to help and feed you. That's so lovely. Now, this is not a political podcast. They were there about four days before the government's SES help workers got there. Oh, I mean, is anyone fucking surprised? So basically, the people who were like literally on their roof because the water's up to the roof and then people,

oh, Steve down the road's got a boat and he's driving around saving people's lives. Yeah, I saw people on jet skis zooming around. And so someone said, why is it taking the government seven days to get there? And they go, oh, it's actually pretty hard to get there. And they go, well, Sikh got there within 34 hours. Fuck.

Good for them. Good for them. That's amazing. Incredible effort. And, you know, basically it was us because we sent them a bit of money. Whenever I see the Sikh doing good well, I basically think... Good well? Please don't yell at me. I'm trying to...

Sorry, it's beautiful. Yeah. I'm trying to give a compliment to a charity. Please don't quit. And I knew that I skipped about seven words there. I was just going to pretend that it all was above board. That's actually rude of me to call you out in that situation. I'm really sorry. They are doing good well. Whenever I see Zeke doing well,

I just think it's basically us who have done the work. Yeah, and I mean, I love to see that. I love to see that. I love to see me getting praised for doing not much. They've been supplying meows to people all over New Zealand. Come on! See you tomorrow.