Toni and Ryan - Wristy from an Ox

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

There's nothing I can say about the title. I'm sorry, I love you. Toni xoxoxoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Are you okay? Yeah. How are you doing today, mate? I'm actually great. I'm in a really good mood. Is there such thing as too good a mood? Not now. We're calling Shannon who is in Adelaide. Radelaide. They don't like that. Don't they? Remember the news story?

Hello, Shannon. So, Shannon, where are we at on Radelaide? Because I know that Tourism SA came out and said we're not allowed to say Radelaide. What's your take? Nah, they can't stop me. I think it's fun. I think it's fun.

It is fun. I think it's fun. We had a Rada Laid time in Rada Laid when we were there. I loved Adelaide. I would move to Adelaide 100%. I love places where the city's near the beach. Shoot me. How hard can it be? How hard can it be? Why isn't every fucking city's near the beach. Shoot me. How hard can it be?

How hard can it be? Why isn't every fucking city doing that? Yeah, I don't know. Great question. Stupid. Stupid. Rattalade, so good. Any other Rattalade stuff you need to get off your chest, Tony?

What was that nummies restaurant we went to? That Italian one that literally we met like 50 people and they were like, you've got to go to this restaurant. What one am I talking about? Shannon. Oh, God. It was an Italian place in the city, like on the strip, near the Crazy Horse.

It's one straight away from Rundle Mall. You turn off Rundle Mall down this cute little laneway with a bunch of restaurants. Luciano's? Something like that? I think you're just saying an Italian name. Yeah, but like, you know. What do you reckon, Shannon?

You're really calling me out for not living in the city. Oh, yeah, you're going to get cancelled 100%. Yeah, maybe they'll take away my SA residency. Should we do a three-way call with Shannon and Craig Bruce? No, that's okay. Will you, Shannon, approve today's episode? Don't bring Craig Bruce in on this. I would love to. Shannon, do

you know Craig Bruce? He's from Adelaide. Not personally, no. We'll hook you guys up after this, but sorry, do you approve today's episode? She already did. Oh, Craig would. Yeah, she already did. Oh, Craig would. She already did.

Hey, this is Shannon from Rudlaid and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today. Woo! Yesterday was the greatest day of my life. And I'm so proud of you. Thank you. However, the greatest day of my life comes with an asterisk, and that asterisk is Tony.

That it was the worst day of my life. Yeah. Well, it wasn't just the worst day of your life. It was the worst day of the life of the teenage girl sitting at the bus stop that Tony happened to pull up near. And the guy next to me that was smoking in his car. Yeah. Shit went wild yesterday on the streets of Preston,

and we will get to that soon. Yeah, out in the country. Let's do confessions. These are top confessions. If you've got any anonymous confessions that you would like to submit, tonyandryan.com.au. Very anonymous. We don't know where they've come from, but share anything that maybe you've done, you've seen, you've heard, you've witnessed. Witnessed. I love seeing small

time crimes, but like being seen by the night. Why are you looking at me? No, I'm trying to catch on with what you're saying. When people were seeing crimes from like across the street. That fucking gets me. Very good. There's actually quite a lot of good neighbor chat off the back of that because in our Facebook group, we pop up a thread every day. A lot of good neighbor chat came out of that.

Yeah. I think we might have to hit that again, yeah. Am I the most fucked employee ever? Oh, no. And I'm going to ask that question again at the end of it and you'll have a different answer. Oh. My boyfriend gave me a very cheeky grin whilst I was on the phone

doing a job interview. A job interview? The lady on the phone asked a few questions, but she was really just banging on about the company and the role and I was just sitting there for an hour kind of giving that, oh, yeah, yeah, sounds good. Okay, yep. So we phone or is it Zoom?

So it's just audio. Yep, just audio. An actual phone call. Yep. I'm trying hard to seem interested and I look over at my boyfriend and I give him the yada, yada hand signal. What's the yada, yada hand signal? Yeah.

I reckon like the quack, quack hand. And giving him a big eye roll. Loves a chat vibes. Yep. So my boyfriend with his cheeky grin walks over to me and takes my pants off. We had the hottest sex we've ever had. I had to keep muting the call to moan and then I'd occasionally unmute just to interject a,

oh, okay, yep, while my husband proceeded to fuck me even harder to see how composed I could stay. Huh. Huh. fucked me even harder to see how composed I could stay. My man got the job done and I got the job. Every day I see my boss, my lady bits tingle at the memory. It feels wrong, but it also felt so right. Now again, I will ask you, Tony Lodge, am I the most fucked employee ever? Technicality wasn't an employee at the time. Facts.

But she was the most fucked. Couldn't have been more fucked. Yes, could not have been more fucked. I mean, they're both home in the day. She really needed that job. Yeah. So did he. Yeah.

Yeah, true. But, you know, like. I can see you torn to your Natalie Imbruglia because, A, like, hot. Hot. But, B, Tony's like, like, this is like, a stickler for the rule seems to not quite right. But like I respect for like. Yeah, respect this person's going through the job

and being very thorough and not getting railed. And that doesn't. No. Yeah. But also I think I've told this story on the pod before that when I was for my first job in radio, I was on the phone with Simon Healy and he was interviewing me. But he called me like a little bit early and I just hopped

out of the shower and I was naked the whole time we were on the phone. And even that was a bit much for you. And that was like because I was like. Incidental, all good. And this is like a world like pre-Zoom, pre-FaceTime, pre, you know, like that wasn't a thing then. This was in like 2014 or something, 2015. Back in history.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long time ago. Oh, my God. Like almost 10 years ago. What the fuck? I'm an old person. You are. But so it was such a long time ago.

It wasn't the worry about like the camera being on. It was just that i was like it felt like i'm trying to be a professional yeah that i'm like yeah and my history with that is and i'm like got my time you overcame a problem by using solutions based focusing yeah yeah and how would you respond to feedback you know and i'm like looking at my ingrown hairs like i just don't think that it's like a safe environment for you to concentrate. Now for those playing along at home and can't see, I love that even though it's just on the phone.

Yeah. Not only is Tony holding the phone up. Holding the phone up. Were you covering? Yes, because I was like, yes. She's covering her boobs. And I think I had like a towel on or something. But I've told Simon about this.

Well, I think that maybe he listened to the podcast or someone in the office told him about what happened and he gave me a call and he said, you haven't got no bloody clothes on again. The old heel dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, here's another confession named the Houdini condom. When we finished, I couldn't find it. another confession named the Houdini condom.

When we finished, I couldn't find it. I think it got lost inside me. Oh. It was a new relationship. It was hot. It was often. It was awesome. One day, a few minutes after, we catch our breath and he says,

oh, do you know where that condom ended up? Do you know where it ended up? First of all, that's your job, bro. I was about to say the person with the penis that's wearing the condom surely should. You're in charge and be aware. How would you describe that hand gesture? Two fingers either side. Ensure that the condom,

the prophylactic has been acquired and you slide that out with the penis. That hand gesture? No, because it's just if there's nothing. If I was getting a hand job from an ox, that's what it would look like. Their little paws with their little moose knuckle. I'd give you a little hoof job if I was an ox. No, seriously, if I was an ox, I would give you a hoof job. I wish I was an ox. I wish we were oxes so I could be getting a hoof job right now.

Yeah. Do you think that we would both be oxes? No. Do oxes have like hairy outside of their penis? That's a great question. And does the hair go in? Ox calls through. Or does the hair go in? Ox calls through. Or does the hair pull back like a foreskin?

You know what? Let's actually not. Let's not. Let's not and say we didn't. Okay. But I believe that you would want. Stop doing that. What would you do?

Maybe a this. Yeah, this. Yeah. So you grab like this. And as you pull back. That is actually. So I'm imagining it as like this. Oh you grab like this and as you pull back. That is actually. So I'm imagining it as like this. Oh, yeah, I know what you're imagining.

And then you pull it back. That is. See how much of my responsibility it's not. I'm so glad this isn't a video show because everyone would just be curled up in a ball like wanting to die. It's not my responsibility. To make people not. To turn your fucking. To mute my laptop. I shall mute mine. oh, to turn your fucking. To mute my laptop.

I shall mute mine. Sorry, I've got a meeting coming up. I'm sorry, I've just got an email from an ox saying, fuck you. Defamation. Deformation. Classic. I looked all around the bed and couldn't find the condom, only to then have a light bulb moment.

It's inside me. Yeah. I didn't have a driver's license, so I sheepishly had to walk into the kitchen of the family home and tell my mum what had happened and ask if she could drive me down to see the local nurse who did an internal search. That is really sweet that you knew that you could tell your mum that, even though that's

like arguably pretty fucking embarrassing. And last, you kind of, oh, if there's any other way, fuck, I'm going to have to tell mum. I'm going to have to tell her. Ah, yeah. The judgy nurse. So mum was all good, but the nurse was nasty. The nurse was like, oh, okay.

Oh, fuck you, nurse. Yeah. I feel like nurses, niece, sorry, are supposed to be, you know, they're medical professionals. Not nephews, but my niece. Yeah. I like that you got your joke way after we did and you're the one who said it.

No, I knew what I was doing. I always know. Sometimes people think I don't know. I always know. I always think I don't know. I always know. I always, I'm in control. So the niece. I was so embarrassed in front of my mum. I was so embarrassed in front of the judgy nurse,

and I was even more embarrassed when the nurse found fucking nothing. It had gone right up like they couldn't get it? The nurse said, it's probably just on the floor beside the bed. What a nasty nurse. So I get home in tears, go to my room and there it is on the floor next to the bed. Oh. Just like the judgy nurse said it would be. All that for nothing though.

You didn't have to tell your mum, didn't have to go to the nasty nurse. Shame. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Yeah. Oh, I hope that the condom hadn't leaked out onto the floor. You never get that out of your carpet. You never get that out of your carpet. And I thought the wristie from an ox was going to be the worst visual of this story.

No. The ooze. And use the scientific name. The jizz. Hoof job. Hey, this is Shannon from Radelaide, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas.

Over at our Patreon, we've got three levels of Patreon. We've got our nine-year-old tapas, if you know, you know, exclusive tapas and champion tapas. A couple of those are Claire Granzian. Good on you, Claire. Good on you, Claire. Caitlin Willick, Henrik Falkenberg, Lee Luke, and Jessica. Thank you very much for being part of the Patreon. We absolutely love to see you, and we'll see you at our

Tarpathon livestream, not this Friday, next Friday, Saturday. I was doing so well. It's Friday, French time, which is where it counts. And that's actually how I always refer to the days of the week. I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I'm on French time. So when I've said to you like, oh, let's meet up on Friday, but I'm there on Thursday, I'm like, oh, French time. French time.

Yeah. Croissant, me too, snail. That is beautiful. Thank you. Where did you learn that? Have you been to Gay Paris? Yeah, I actually studied French in Paris. Did you?

You studied some French people probably. I don't know about the language. No, language is important. All you need to know is wee-wee. Like, yes. Oh, wee. Wee-wee on me. If you want.

Yeah. Not going to yuck you, yeah. Yesterday I rented a van and it was the greatest day of my life. Ryan's a new woman. Because manly, tough guy, man of the land, drive vans, and yesterday I was a tough manly man of the land and it was fucking sick. So I was two minutes away from home with the van.

Yes. So I called Bridget and I said, get Mabel, get Bron, come out the front. You've got to see this. Come out the front. And she did. Yeah. Well, so they're at the front door not knowing what to expect. They're just, oh, can you come out the front?

And they're like, yeah. And Bridget's probably like, oh, I'm right in the middle of like doing something. She was. Mabel's asleep. Yeah. She woke Mabel up from a nap. And then my wife, Bridget, my daughter, Mabel.

My daughter. It's not really the same. My dog, BJ. My dog. They're all standing at the front looking through the glass. Yeah. And then they see a van and they go, oh, well, that's obviously not Ryan because it's a van.

It can't be Ryan because it would obviously be a manly man of the land. Well, and they go, that's not Ryan because he drives a Volkswagen Golf. Yeah, he drives mum's car. Yeah. So I wind the window down, not electric, wind it down old school. It's dad. The smile on Mabel's face when she saw her dad in a van, she's like, finally, got a manly one.

Bronson, my manly man of the land dog, a working dog, nods. And my wife Bridget, one of the great eye rolls. She's like, we were busy inside. We were doing stuff. What I can't believe about this story is that the window was up and that you had to roll it down. Well, I wound it up so I could wind it back down. Oh, I see.

Yeah. Because when I saw you in the van. Well, I was about to say driving home was the second best part of the day. The first best part of the day was I being, did I cut you off? Yes. Yes. So I cut off an Audi. And let me just say a sleek new Audi and a rustic old beaten up van,

they look like they're from two different worlds. Yeah, it was worlds collide moment. We got the van because we had a few things to transport from home to work and work to home and stuff like that. And Ryan went and picked up the van, came back to the office. Very tough. Came back to the office and I was like, I'll follow you back to my house. You left like a few minutes before me. And then I locked up here and I jumped in the car. In your hot little sports car, caught up to the van.

Hot little sports car, yeah. I was also driving about 12 kilometres an hour because I had plants in the back that weren't tied down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And boy, do they slide. And I like, so I jump in the car and I'm starting to drive home and then there's like this awkward little intersection part on my way home where like it's

not clear that you have to merge but three lanes turn into two yeah and it's not very clear anyway this van cuts me off and i was like oh bro okay but i like stopped because i don't want to get in the car accident obviously i kind of slow down this cuts me off. And then there's all these plants in the back. I'm like, oh, they look like the plants that I ordered. Like, are they mine? It's surprising how long it took you to realize. And then, no, as soon as I saw the plants, I was like, oh, my God. The most thrilling thing that can happen is seeing someone

that you know on the road. And it was Ryan. thrilling thing that can happen is seeing someone that you know on the road and it was ryan but i didn't realize because this person had the window down had a bit of an elbow on the on the edge of the door bit of a fucking you know oh yeah i almost took up smoking i'm i'm always in this van this is my hometown even though on the side i had like Bunnings, hire me for the day. I actually think hire companies should take the words hire me off the van because I want people to think it's my van. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and then so because it was so exciting, I start waving,

Ryan hadn't seen me, and then maybe you waved when I didn't see you or something, and we end up pulling up at the lights. I'm behind you, and I kind of pulled like into the right of the lane and you were in the left so that we could kind of like see each other. Yeah. And well, Ryan yells out, obviously, show us your tits. I was encouraged by the story you told a few weeks ago.

Because only recently I told a story about how my boyfriend and I were in the car, in separate cars, and he yelled out to me, show us your tits. I did. Someone saw. It was like so funny and it was at night time so there wasn't that many people around. Ryan did it.

Three o'clock in the afternoon. About 3.30 in the afternoon. Everyone was. It looks like school had just knocked off. School had just knocked off. And Ryan goes, show me your tits. And I lifted my top up. Yep.

Bra, like I didn't pop a tit out. No. But it was bra. And we didn't realise until after that happened that there was a bus stop. Heaps of people there. Yeah. Is it true you yelled out out how big's your dick? I believe I said cock

Oh sorry Yes Sorry Yep And how would you describe the gasp of the girls at the bus stop? If you were to, as an audio queen Imagine just 10, 15 year old girls all going At the same time

They probably started filming for TikTok. You know what I mean? Like it was quite shocking. I actually yelled out to them and said, sorry about that. Did you know she can afford that Audi because of OnlyFans? And didn't they love that? I didn't hear you say that. So are you sure it wasn't OnlyFans?

You're in a van. But so I yelled out. I'd gotten my tits out and then I yelled out like, oh, how bitchy cock. And I didn't realise that in the left-hand lane right next to me, there was a man smoking. And because he was smoking, his window was down. And I yelled that out and he went, like, did a double take. I'm like, oh, not yours.

Not you, mate. Not you. I don't care about you and your Subaru Forester. You put it back in your pants. I'm not talking to you. I'm like, oh, not yours. Not you, mate. Not you. I don't care about you and your Subaru Forester. You put it back in your pants. I'm not talking to you. I'm not. I'm talking to this man. Yeah.

You're a Forester. It was a bit like, can you respect this private conversation we're having? Like, how dare you? Across Plenty Road? How dare you? This is a private conversation. Yeah. And then, anyway, the light ended up going green and we kind of took off again.

And then we got to the next lights and you do like other stuff. And so every single light, there's like five more traffic lights between my house and like. Do you know how hard it is to get both hands out of the one window and do one as a penis and one as a vagina? Because you're like as you're stopped and you're like trying to roll over. And you know how in old cars, the give in the seatbelts, it's like tight as fucking.

Oh, no. Because when you put your foot on the brake, it locks up. Does it? Yeah, because it thinks you're braking. So it's like, oh, I better hold him in. And so then I'm trying to twist against the force of the seatbelt just to do it. Sorry, technical chat.

I thought seatbelts only tightened up if you moved fast. When I do that manoeuvre, I'm going fast. Oh, yeah, you were trying to show me you're jerking off motion. I think I might have done one of these out the window. Yeah, so it was really, it was, as you can tell, was the best day of Ryan's life, maybe the worst day of my life. No, I think it was good for you. The ladies looked up to you.

They're in the bus stop like, see, kids, if you work hard at school, you could end up with an outing like that. I'm so sexually liberated. You could be blowing guys in vans, getting cash from OnlyFans or OnlyVans as it were. And I just love that for everybody involved. Having a guy driving plants to your house. Yeah, oh, yeah, very personalized service.

Yes, very personalized service. No, so, you know, I think all in all, we're up. Like it's a plus day. Yeah, net positive. Like it's a net positive. Thank you net positive. Like it's a net positive. Thank you very much, Finance Chat. Thank you. And a shout out to the lovely, we won't say the school.

No. No. But they know who they are. It was in Preston. They know who they are. And they were in Preston. They were. Hey, I've got a, you'll have to see it here.

Now, as a former, what did you call yourself when you were, like, working in theatre and stuff? I think the whole time I just called myself a sound guy, but I guess, like, theatre tech. Is it not just, like, techie? Yeah, like a tech or, yeah, I think all those words kind of make sense. What I'm sending you is techie goals, if it wants to fucking load. There we go.

So basically a guy is on stage and he has to go out and do like a sound check and check the microphone and do whatever. You know like a music festival is like 10, 15 minutes between bands and they're setting up? Yes. So explain to everyone what's going on here. So there is someone testing a microphone on the stage but everyone's like getting amongst it 10 000 people are copying him so when he like waves his right hand they wipe their right hand

when he says hi it's a huge game of simon says yeah and i thought as a former techie don't you love to see that? That's amazing. A techie stealing the show. I love the top comment. You should have given them all the middle finger just so that you've got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to say 10,000 people flipped you off at the same time. Yeah, that would be a sick photo. That would be a sick photo.

Fuck, I love at a concert or like a music festival or whatever and everyone's just like they're together like when things like that happen and you just go like oh how funny that we all just like caught on to the same joke how fun i've got you love to see here a friend of ours a big tarpa jared mcquaig um he's going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment just broken up with his boyfriend uh but we got a message from our mate john galloway also a tarpa who with permission has submitted this you love to see it so john's you love to see it yeah is that you love to see that every guy in alberta canada is lucky uh because the most eligible forklift driver

uh in the region if not the world is now single and ready to mingle let's get the tarpas around him and gas him up. It's shit going through like a breakup or going through any rough patch. And we have all been there. We have. So thanks for sharing that, John. I've actually got some. With permission.

When did John send that through? Oh, the other day I spoke to you. Because I've actually got some new news. New news? Yeah. So some more breaking got some new news. New news? Yeah. So some more breaking news on this front. Yes. I'm actually Jared McQuaig's rebound.

It's not going to be a full-time ongoing thing. Yep. But you know how sometimes you just need to like get back on that wagon? Yes. Remind yourself how to do it with a new – well, I am that guy. So you're going to Canada? Canada's been going in me. And it's been a great time.

Forklift. More like fucklift. And I can confirm, after being in a relationship for a while, Jared is in form, ready to go. And what an eligible dick for anyone in the area. Well, Alberta, you're welcome. Albona. Alberta, hardly Noah.

Tomorrow. Fuck, I'm just rattled because i'm thinking about jared mcquaid naked and i don't hate it oh my god uh what's on tomorrow's show oh fuck me right up oh god uh food in the cinema returns and you know some foods just look a bit sexual when you eat them like a banana yeah yeah. And just like. I purposely now break bits off the banana and eat them. I never like fist it into my mouth. Sorry, me doing that.

Yeah, sorry. There's no middle ground. You either break it off in bits or you just deep throat it. Or you've got to fucking shove it all in. Yeah, how many bites? Yeah. Bites. Sorry, everyone had to hear that.

That was too much. We'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you, bye.