Toni and Ryan - Ya Best Friend's Mum

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

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ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Would you answer a call for a reality TV show if you weren't allowed to ask what the show was about? If you want to be on the show, stop asking that question and get on with the auditions. And I said, well, obviously I can't do that. It might be selling you my kidney. I don't know what it is. But in return, they promised you the adventure of a lifetime I didn't want something horrible to happen to me I didn't want to die that's basically what I was thinking I didn't want to die split-screen thrill seekers is a new six-part series from love and radio Vispoochie and CBC listen now

Acast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. Hello. And we are calling Iko who is in Cleveland, Ohio.

Iko in Ohio. Oh, hi, Iko. Oh, keep that in. Somebody came hi. Oh, hi. Oh, kick that in. So when I came up with a high two. Oh, hello. I go. It's Tony and Ryan. Oh, my God. Oh, how are you going? I go where we found you. What are you doing?

So I just got out of teaching my pole class and I ran away to my car because it tends to be kind of loud and noisy in there. Oh my God, pole dancing or Polish dancing. Very different. Very different. I was asked that. No, it's not Polish. Polish is not one of the languages I speak.

It is pole dancing as in the vertical chrome pole that attaches to the ceiling and the floor. And then you spin around on it. I go, does that mean you have those like crazy weird bruises? Cause I see that people always have the bruises that do them. Is that like a myth or is that a real thing? I have so many bruises. When I've gone to my doctors, I have had to process and say, I'm safe at home.

I can even show you the videos of how I got these bruises. And did they watch the video? Yeah. They're usually like, oh no, but thank you for telling me. Yeah. Well, as a hobby enthusiast, it will not surprise you to hear that I have done one class of pole dancing.

Oh, how'd you go? And I loved it, cause I love dancing. I find it so fun and it feels so sexy while you're doing it. But literally the insides of both my thighs were like tires. Yeah. That like just black and blue. Like, yeah, like brutal. And it took weeks to come down.

So I go fucking full respect. Yeah, well, that is hot. And cool. And if, if you're ever in Cleveland, you both can come and take classes. I'm actually about to go in and teach a beginner class. So if you guys ever seen my Cleveland, how long will it take us to get there? Uh, I don't think we'll get there. Probably.

I'd say, uh, but I don't know if you heard that Tony's actually already done it. So don't worry about your beginners class, mate. We'll be at the pros. I'll be at the pros class. I'll be teaching you. Yeah. All good. But uh, Iko, will you approve today's episode?

Absolutely. I would. Hi, this is Iko from Cleveland and I approve this podcast. It's Tuesday, which means it's Confessions Day. These are top confessions. Tonyandryan.com.au, annoyingly anonymous. We can't reply because it's anonymous. No follow-ups.

Go to our website. Don't miss just saying, I've got a great story. Do you want to hear it? Because we can't tell you yes. We can't say yes, but my answer is yes. So just send it. Yeah. I'm 99% sure my best friend's mum gave me a blowjob.

Oh, hang on. I'm going to need a piece of paper. My best friend's mom. So Mandy. Don't use my family name. Gave me a blowjob. Don't use my family name in this story. Well, no.

So my best friend, Ryan. No. His mom, Mandy. Yeah. Mandy gave me a blow job. That's what you're saying. Yeah. But I just think we could use any other name. Well, we can't do it the other way. Cause my mom's dead.

So you can't say my best friend, Tony's mom, Liz gave me a blow job because she's dead. Well, you want ash on your cock. Is that what you're saying? You sick fuck. You sick fuck. You sick fuck. That's my mom. That's my mom.

That's too far. That's too far. It is too far. That's disgusting. That is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm 99% sure my best friend's mom gave me a blow job. Yep. When I was 19, we had a big night

and ended up crashing in a mate's place. I was lying on his couch and when I closed my eyes, the room started spinning, you know, that gross feeling. And you've had way too many drinks. When you got to put a foot on the floor. Yeah. Have you ever done that? Yeah.

Hold on. I'm still to remind yourself. It was making me feel sick. So I'm like, I'll just go to the kitchen, get a glass of water and just like, maybe spend 10 minutes standing up and just like, maybe, yeah, bit of air. Yep. And his mom was there. She was getting a glass of water for herself or a cup of tea or something.

And we get chatting and I'm hammered. So I'm just like, yeah, chatty. Yeah. We started chatting and laughing and getting closer. And then suddenly we're making out and then suddenly she's sucking my, my mates, my mate's mom is really hot and I've had a crush on her for ages. And this was like, all my dreams were coming true. No wonder you couldn't tell if it was true or not.

You're like, am I like, oh. As soon as I finished and because my mate's mom's a fucking demon, it was pretty quick. But when I, when I finished, um, she looked up and put one finger in front of her mouth, did the kind of like signal and then got off and went back to her room. That is a hot story. I feel. I go back to the couch, fall asleep. And when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, did that happen?

Like did, did that happen? Did I dream that? Surely that didn't actually happen, but you can kind of like, you can, you can tell. Okay. So I was about to say, you know, when you need to do a wee, it feels different to after you've done a wee, is that when you need to do a cum, do you feel like afterwards you're like, Oh, I don't have one in the tank. Like, can you, can you tell that you've done a car?

Okay. That's not it at all. So what's the, how do you tell? Ah, that's, um, I'm just going to need a moment to process that. Do you know what I mean though? So if you'd had sex last night, would you be able to tell? No, but like, I want to take all this back. No, but the same thing you're thinking of, like the male equivalent.

Yeah. Okay. Um, I would be able to tell in a different way though, probably. What? What? No, I don't want to. Anyway, how would you, how are you saying that they would know? Uh, sticky.

No, just almost, almost like, fuck. Like you've ejaculated. You know what that- It's not about the jizzing. It's more just about the, the penis feels the penis fit, the skin and the muscle and the like, like you can, something's happened there. Okay. So anyway, this is what the guy says. Myself, my mate and my mate's mum are in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast the next morning and I'm still a bit. And she starts sucking me off again.

And she goes, I'm still a bit unsure. I'm, I'm hung over. I'm confused. I'm like, kind of like, that was pretty good. Like turned on a bit, you know, like there's a lot going on. And it's, you know, the, um, Oh, he doesn't know the friend doesn't know. And yeah. When my mate was looking the other way, his mom looks at me, does a little

eyebrow raise and the shoes shone again. Like my heart stopped beating. I never told my mate. I never told any of my other mates and his mom and I've never said a word about it or gestured or winked or anything since, but in the morning she read the shush. And hence I'm 99% sure my best friend's mum gave me a blowjob. That is such a wild story.

Do we just need a moment? I'm actually more bothered by us trying to explain how you would know that. That's worse than any of the story was. How would you know? I've guess it's the, it's the like feeling, isn't it? Like, don't say sticky. No, that's what I'm going to say. Sore. No. Oh, strange. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Isn't it like, don't say sticky.

No, that's what I'm saying. So, no, oh, stretched. Nah, because that's not really like what it's not that helps describe it. Yeah. Like worked. But actually that's, that's, that's what I mean. You know when you get like the doms after you go to the gym, like the delayed onset muscle tightness or whatever it's called?

No, I've never worked out hard. No. Oh, that's funny. You know when you get delayed onset fucking something cause you lifted too hard? Actually no, actually no, because nuggets aren't that heavy. Oh, sugar's so nice. Actually, I'm so fucking, yeah. Do you have another confession?

Yeah. Or is that all we can handle today? Have we worked this podcast enough? I accidentally orgasmed during a massage at a posh day spa. Accidentally? When my massage started, it was absolute bliss. The music, the aromatherapy, the hot stones. I had only ever had remedial massage or physio,

or like, I've never had like a relaxing. And the lights are on and they're talking to you about your job. Yeah, very clinical. And like, whether you've got a partner or whatever, whereas that one, it's quiet. It's like, the smells are unbelievable. Yeah. So the first sensation just completely shocked me.

I tried to engage my clinician in conversation to distract myself. She's like, I'm going to make small talk and just distract myself because I'm like too into this, but she only responded politely as the massage continued, the pressure and pleasure got stronger and stronger. After being turned over for the skincare treatment and scalp massage, I unexpectedly came right there on the table and in one breath it was like I exhaled my entire body. I felt that. And in one breath, it was like I exhaled my entire body. I felt that. When it ended, she says, I couldn't even look at her.

And she wasn't sure if like she knew. I reckon, do you reckon that they would? Well, they're doing stuff and they're, They're busy. And I awkwardly bought a really expensive moisturizer as like a silent apology and rushed out. I know happy ending massages are a thing and often joked about, but an unexpected orgasm in a posh Melbourne day spa. I didn't even know that was possible.

In Melbourne. Yep. Maybe it's that place you took your shit tower to. I love that place. And that was not my confession. I did not write that. Hi, this is Ieko from Cleveland and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Acast powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Would you answer a call for a reality TV show if you weren't allowed to ask what the show was about? If you want to be on the show, stop asking that question and get on with the auditions. And I said, well obviously I can't do that. It might be selling you my kidney. I don't know what it is. But in return they promised you the adventure of a lifetime. I didn't want something horrible to happen to me. I didn't want to die. That's basically what I was thinking. I didn't want to die.

Split Screen Thrillseekers is a new six-part series from Love and Radio, Vespucci and CBC. Listen now. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. We absolutely love to see it. Thank you very much for being part of it. Jake Fields, Nicole Anderson, good on you Nicole, Tracy Newen, Candice Villa-Lobos and

Sarah Alivato. Thank you very much. That sounds like a spell, I like that. Alivato. Alivato. Thank you very much and thanks to everyone who's in the Patreon for getting around us. We really appreciate it. Yeah, all tears. Everyone's us. We really appreciate it. Yeah. All tears.

Everyone's welcome. And we absolutely love it. The content's so bad. You'll be crying all day. All tears. T-I-E-R-S. Oh, sorry, my mistake. Is what I meant, like every level.

I don't know. Palindromes. Palindrome is the same backwards and forwards. Yep. So it's not. Tears. Same tears backwards. Reads? Reads?

Greets? Greets? So I'm actually, as you know, a woman of the people. Yep. And the other day we had to go into the city for like a little meeting. And I caught the train. Whoa. Whoa. And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to catch the train in. Tony Lodge on public transport. I actually, what happened? No, don't be like that. Someone stole your car. No, don't be like that. If someone stole your car, let's go check the warehouse down the end of the thing. If someone had stolen my car, everyone would know about it.

That would not be a surprise. That is true. Don't be like that though. Because the other week when I went to the Royal show, I caught the train. had some on my car, everyone would know about it. Yeah, that would not be a surprise. That is true. Don't be like that though, because the other week when I went to the Royal Show, I caught the train there and back. Was it busy full of show kids? It actually wasn't too bad, but we went like, it was probably 1130 and the show opens like at 10, so maybe we missed the rush.

Yeah. Um, but it was- Look at you go! Yeah. Can I have my key? at 10, so maybe we missed the rush. Yeah. But it was- Look at you go. Yeah. Do you have a mickey? I have one, like already had one, because like that's how you do the thing. But like, I think though that it's not that crazy that I've caught the train because I'm just a normal person and that's fine.

But I jumped on the train and Sophie was coming into this like to the city with us and, um, and she messaged that she was going to get the train or something. And then I was walking to the station. I actually missed it. And, um, this is the least Tony story I've ever heard in my life. And you want to know why I missed it? Because it was such a beautiful day outside that I was standing in my street, taking pictures of the sun and the train went by. Like I was just enjoying the outdoors so much. That I don't, I've never known something to be so beautiful and so fucking stupid at the same time because it is, it is not like they're both.

How amazing. I am beautiful and I am stupid. A sunny springtime gal enjoying the beautiful sunshine in Melbourne. Yeah. Uh, the trees are popping, the jacarandas are blooming. Yep. Um, are they something that blooms? Uh, yeah.

But also jacarandas are not really a thing here. I think in Perth, but yes. Did you for a moment feel like, yes, I am Zoe Deschanel. I really did feel like a summery spring girl. Yeah, great. I was wearing like a silk skirt and stuff. Like, you know, everything was really like... That green one?

Yeah, the green one. Yeah. Color of the summer. Color of the summer I've heard. But it's like just everything's really coming together. And did you care? You missed the train? I just went, huh, guess I'll get the next one.

Yeah, I was like, cool. The next one's in 13 minutes. Like, I'll just enjoy more fresh air. Yeah. Take more photos of the sun. And so I jump on the next train and I sit down and I've been on the train for a bit and I'm just like, fuck around on my phone or whatever. And like someone like grabbed me on the train.

What? Um, someone who like this, so I was sitting, so it's like two seats and then an aisle and then two seats. So I went from across the aisle, grabbed me on the leg and I was like, what the fuck? And it was Sophie. And it'd be that we were sitting opposite each other, like facing each other. For how long? For like five stops.

Facing each other? But both of us were just like on our phones and looking out the windows. So Sophie's what, your two stops for prior? But both of us, both of us were just like on our phones and like looking out the windows. So Sophie didn't realise either? Nah. So Sophie's what, your two stops for prior. I'm texting you both by the way. We were all talking.

So Sophie gets on the train, sits down, starts texting, two stops later, Tony jumps on, sits down right in front of Sophie. Like happens to be the right carriage, happens to be the exact same seat, like everything. What the fuck? And we just didn't notice. And then someone grabs me and I was like, Whoa, like I fully like was like, can you get the fuck off me? Yeah, which is fair. Yeah.

Thank you. And then Sophie's like, Oh my God. And I was like, Oh, Tony goes, um, have you just passed Preston station? And I was like, I texted her cause I was like, Oh, did you end up on this train or are you on the one that I missed? And I look up cause I'm like, Oh, she must be on the, and I look. And it was me. It's all Tony Lodge on the train.

Anyway. And then, so I thought, hang on, hang on, hang on. Yeah. So the only way that you discovered that you were on the same train is you texted each other from what sounds like about 45 meters, 45 centimeters apart. Yeah. Lucky you texted you might have never known. Well, yeah, but it was a bit, and I was a bit like, Oh, how fun.

And cause I, there was a part of me that was like, Oh, I was kind of looking forward to like the commute. I have my headphones in and whatever. Oh, now you've got to deal with old mate Sophie. No, no, no. And then, and Sophie had said the same to me. She's like, I'm quite excited about like a quiet commute. We don't have to go in together.

I'll meet you in there all good. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And so- You just both ruined each other's day. Well, yeah. And then anyway, so we're chatting, we're the annoying assholes on the train line having a chat.

Yeah. And then what I didn't expect was for my little beautiful heart to be broken, because then we get to the Flinders street station. Yeah. And you know how you have to pull your Mikey out to like tag off? Yeah. I pull out my Mikey and Sophie start pissing herself laughing. And I was like, I was like, what?

And she goes, Oh my God. It's the one from 1984. No, I pull out my Mikey and she laughed at me because I've got my name and phone number written on the back in Sharpie. I've got $8.40 credit on this thing. I'm not going to let this slide to no stranger. Where will someone return it to if this slide it to no stranger. Where will someone return it to me if I lose it?

What a loser. I know there's a spot on there for your name, but I've never seen anyone write it off. That is true. That is fair. When was the last time someone checked the back of your credit card for a signature? Oh, that only, I don't think there's a spot for it on there anymore. Um, Tony, if I come around your side of the table here in Tarp Tower and I look at the tag on your t-shirt, No, there's no name on the inside of my t-shirt.

T.L. T.L. Is going to have your initials on it. So when you leave your cardigan, someone's going to go, oh, is this T.L.? You're on my cardigan. Oh, and it says like room 14, like when you're a kid. So hang on as someone who is, and this isn't me having to go like privacy,

lot of stuff about us online. Yeah. And you're carrying around a thing with your phone number and full name. I just think it's a lot more likely that it will come back to me because well, if someone turns that- It's a piece of plastic.

No, but I've got auto top up on there. So if people just keep like digging it, it's just going to keep refilling. How much could someone, so someone's been traveling on Tony watches tab for years. Maybe. Well, that happened because I haven't got my own car. And when you get a notification, I would not lose it. Like, you know, like I would just not, that is actually so true. You would never use it. And also I reckon after a while, after every week you get a notification going, oh, Mikey top up $50. You go, oh, that happens every week.

That's strange. Cause I catch the train twice a year. Twice a year to the Royal show. And then on a sunny day, so I can take some photos of the scenery. Oh my God. And so you got laughed at, I presume. Oh yeah, I got laughed at.

Laughed the house down. Not in a bully way. Sophie's just like, I've never seen that before. And I was like, oh, Oh, so, so if you had to choose what was crazier, the fact that you had to text Tony to find out she was sitting next to you or the fact that she had her name on the mic. Like if you had to choose one of them. Definitely the name on the mic. Really? That's wild.

That is surprising. That is wild. That is surprising. Wild. I just, I just was, you know, when you can't, you get on and you just like head down and I wasn't interested in talking 21. So I wasn't sitting there like this. I was just like- Well, it's interesting, especially because you are the main character in every scene you're in. Yeah. So I had my headphones in, I was looking out the window.

But isn't it funny? Like every main character should. But isn't it funny how as the main character you go, well, what am I wearing? Cause people are going to look at me and that someone 40 centimeters away who knows you didn't even care to look. Oh no. I shouldn't have said that. Oh my God.

No, that's an amazing social experiment that I didn't know I was a part of. What being in the world? No, no, no, but like, experiment that I didn't know I was a part of. What, being in the world? No, no, no, but like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Yeah. Like I sat right down in front of you and you didn't even look up. That's actually a great test. And what you imagine watching a movie and not paying any interest in the main character. No, being on a train is so different. Everyone's in their own little world. Everyone thinks they're the main character on a train and you can tell cause everyone's doing the same thing. And were you saying you're all wrong?

Cause it's actually me. Yes. I let everyone know. I said, look at this mic My name is on the back. Here it is. And I had my IMDB code. I got a love to see it here. Which two you love to see. My first one is Tony on public transport. I catch the train. I walked to the station and everything. Very impressive.

Katie. Hi, Katie. Katie's a tapar. Katie Perry. No. Katie got married to her best friend at the end of August. Oh, congratulations. He's in the Navy and was sent back to work

four days after we got married. Oh, that is so tough. Yeah, and he's like been at sea out on the ship, you know. So you can't, I don't even think that you can like contact them when they're out on the ship, can you? I don't know, but it's pretty like, it's pretty tough. Wasn't expecting him home until December, but he turned up on the weekend. What a beautiful surprise from my beautiful husband, says Katie. Don't you love to see that?

I think I've said this before, maybe one of the first ever episodes, but a genre in my algorithm is always returning soldiers, servicemen and women coming home, surprising their family or the dog runs out or they like, oh, or like, um, the woman sometimes is like holding the sign being like, oh, he hasn't met his daughter yet. And they've got the kids that was born while the, it's, it kills me. Obviously in the moment where the guy was away for 18 months and there's a newborn and he goes, Oh, here's your son.

And he's like doing the maths. Like carry the one. Oh my God. That's a lie. Don't you ruin that? No, but Katie's man is back from sea. And then he's done some seaman, I reckon. Sorry. They just got married. Seaman joke. Do you know what I mean?

Insert seaman joke for the Navy. And you know what? They just got married, so hose him down. Let it go. Let it fly. Okay. What do you love to see? That's a really beautiful, you love to see it. And I kind of wish that I wasn't going second. Okay. On an episode thread recently, Kayla Anastasia commented, uh, big type up, uh, shared a story about having

to go to the ER for a cyst on her bum, which is actually not funny. And I don't love to say that at all. For the word bum's pretty funny though. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Um, but Kayla kind of shares like a long story about the cyst and about, um, the terrible medical comedy, uh comedy that she dealt with. And my love to see it is actually my response to her two paragraph story,

which was a comment that said pop off cyst. And I wrote that like I typed it out on my phone and I hit enter and I laughed so hard that my ears started ringing. Like at my own gear that probably no one's going to see. No, we saw it. It was hilarious. Um, and I just, I love to see that.

It is so funny. But did you put your phone down and go, well, I can't beat that today. I'm retiring for the evening. Yeah, pretty much. I hit intro and I'm literally just like bashing my own glory for a bit. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Yeah. I love it. It just killed me. I was so proud of that. Yeah. I was going to I said to Tony, do you need some help writing that joke?

And she said, no, I don't need any assistance. Pop off word play sis. Well, you didn't need assistance. Did you? Well, no. So yeah, it's great. All good. Oh, good. That's shocking. All good. All good.

That's shocking, isn't it? And then Tony said, pop off, sis. Fuck, she's good. Fuck, she's good. She is good. Nah, I'll pay assistance. I will pay assistance. You do it, Sophie. Hang on a minute. Alright, I've got to go. See you later.

Love you, bye. Akast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Feeling disconnected in this noisy, over-scheduled world? Well, you're not alone. That's exactly why we're here. I'm Dr. Jodie Carrington, and on my podcast, Unlonely, we're tackling the loneliness epidemic, the most pressing issue of our generation. In each episode, I sit down with the most incredible experts who share vital insights and critical strategies to help reconnect us all. You see, in the history of the world, we've never been this disconnected. So let's get Unlonely together.

Subscribe to Unlonely wherever you get your podcasts, and we can't wait to meet you over there. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Acast.com