Toni and Ryan - You won't believe it's not law!

Episode Date: March 13, 2022

Wheels and doors, Australian 'laws' and the FUNNIEST JOKE EVER. Love ya! T xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Tony, who's J-Lo's favourite sister? A-Lo. Is this A-Lo? This is... Alyssa Lopez, oh my God. It's Tony and Ryan, oh my God. Would you approve today's podcast?

Of course. Yay! Hey, this is A-Lo Chicago, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan John, vice captain of the ship, Tony Lodge, who is fresh hair today. Oh, thank you. It is clean. I washed it.

That's literally the only thing that's different. We start today's show with something we've both been roped into. And I say roped into by the internet. And it's like, oh, if your friend jumped off a cliff, would you do as well? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. If it was on Instagram live.

Yeah, I probably would. Think of the clicks. So this has gone crazy over the last week. People are talking about it in our Facebook group as well, so it seemed only right to kind of give it a little bit of airtime. Do you think that in the world there are more wheels or more doors? Do we know why people have started even questioning this? I don't.

Or is asking that question not the right question to ask in this debate? Is it the, like, chicken or the egg thing? Like, did the debate come for it? I think that it, and this is unfounded, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that, like, a TikTok went viral of someone just being like, bro, which one do you think there are more of? And it's just gone wild. Have you taken a side?

It changes because I saw instantly, I was like, doors. Because fridge door, cupboard door, like all of that shit, car doors. And then I'm like, but wheels. No. There's wheels on the chair that I'm sitting on right now, wheels on a car, wheels on like a door frame. Anyone who thinks there's more wheels than doors on this planet can wheel themselves the fuck out of my life because they are dumb and they are

wrong. Okay. Can I give you a fact though? Please. And this kind of is what put it into perspective for me to choose wheels in the end. Okay. Lego is the largest manufacturer of wheels in the world. Yeah. So all those tiny little Lego wheels, that's what makes me think that it must be wheels. Do they count though? Yeah, because it's a wheel. What's a wheel?

Anything that's just not square? Anything that's got a round edge? No, a pizza's not a wheel. Do pizza wheels count? Yes. But like, there's a wheel. Do pizza wheels count? Yes. But, like, there's a video. So I saw this on the news. On the news?

On the news. Fucking hell. Half the fucking, some of the planet's fucking at war. Some of it's flooded. Some of it's on fire. And we're talking about fucking wheels and doors. Well, I saw this online and was like, that's a fun, dumb online thing. But as soon as it hits TV news, I'm like, let's write it in.

Yeah, let's calm down. I've got something that might be newsworthy, though. Oh, okay. So there was a list on Reddit and it was called The Unofficial Rules of Australia. Oh, I love those listicle things. And people were contributing and I thought, if anyone knows Australia, it's Tony Felicia Lodge.

Oh, fucking fair dinkum. So I'm going to present you these potential laws and you will decide whether A, yes, correct. Did you get me a gavel? Can I tell you the funniest joke I've ever said? Okay. Ever. I've never said a funnier joke than this.

And it was an unintentional joke. Okay. On my Instagram stories, because I thought a gavel would be a great idea. This is so good. You better fucking appreciate this. Okay. Because I thought I'd get a gavel. So I put on my Instagram stories,

does anyone have a gavel I can borrow? I promise I won't judge you. Did you remove me from being able to say that? Why are you not laughing at the best joke ever told? Oh, was that the joke? Say it again. Say it again. It just works on so many levels. It's like Tenet, which we're all going to watch this week.

Yeah. What was that joke that I made to you the other day? I'm sure it was awful. Oh, the hashtag. What was it? Ta partner. Yes. It was great.

It was great. Okay, no context. Anyway, yep. Does anyone have a gavel I can borrow? Yeah. Which I thought that might be a strange thing that people might have. Random, quirky. Yeah. So I promise I can borrow? Yeah. Which I thought that might be a strange thing that people might have. Random, quirky. Yeah.

So I promise I won't judge you. Like a judge in a courtroom. Thank you. He uses a gavel. Thank you. And I don't care how insincere your response is, I'm fucking taking that as a win. There was a...

No one had one, by the way. A post in the Facebook group this week that said, isn't it so funny that every single episode Tony says to Ryan, that's the funniest thing you've ever said? That is the funniest thing you've ever said. Someone commented on that comment saying, and I hate how condescending it is. Well, it is.

Actually, normally when I say it, I mean it. Anyway, do I have a gavel? And did you remove me from that story? Because I don't think I saw that. I wanted to surprise you with a gavel. Oh, but you didn't. Yeah, don't judge me. Okay, well, I've got a tissue box.

I said don't judge me. Oh! Sorry, that one got away from me. I just can't help it, I'm just that funny. Okay. I was going to use the tissue box. Okay, great. Yeah, that works.

That's okay. My Frank Graham water bottle would be too loud. Okay, sorry. What are the rules of the game? I'm going to give you the proposed law. Okay. And you say, yeah, put it into stone or don't. Put it into stone or don't.

Stone or nah. When you're stuck in fully cooked traffic and someone lets you in, you must thank them by raising two or more fingers and if you truly respect them, a full hand. Yep. Put it in. That's rule. That's law.

Definitely. If someone can't even be fucked to take their hand off the wheel and just raise a single finger, don't even fucking bother. I'm... Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. You put it into law. You don't even respect your own rules.

Oh, no, no, no, I totally do. But if someone, if I let somebody in and they don't wave, I like, because you know how when you look in your rearview mirror, like you can fully see the person. I'll go... Two hands in the air. Two hands in the air. Oh, sorry.

I would describe that hand gesture you've done to people who can't see as a fucking whatever. Whatever. Or do we say C words? I can beep it. I'll beep it. So I'll do that or I'll be like, oh, yeah, all good, like a passive aggressive wave.

And then sometimes they do it because obviously they've seen me go. Yeah. But if you have to ask for it with the passive aggressiveness, don't even bother. But then I'm allowed to be angry for the rest of the day. Are we putting that into law? No. Okay.

But it's just you're allowed to. Take it or leave it. This might be hurtful, this one, for someone who has been told, yeah, right-o, mate, and you thought it was a compliment. So say I said, we should go to the beach later and you went, yeah, righto, mate. Oh, no, that doesn't work. Yeah, because that's me saying, yeah, good idea.

We're clearly not going to do that. Yeah. So when someone says something to you and they're clearly wrong or just a dickhead or you don't enjoy it, you say, yeah, righto, followed by any of these non-threatening titles, mate, champ, chief, turbo, tiger or Buddy. So when you go, oh, should we go to the beach? And today in Melbourne it's windy and it's a bit gross.

Yeah, Rido champion. Yeah. That means you're a fucking idiot. I would obviously never go there. Can I do one gavel? Because I appreciate the passive-aggressive nature of it. Oh, actually, no. Put it in. Yeah, put it in because I do that. Yeah, actually, no. Put it in.

Yeah, put it in because I do that. Yeah, okay, mate. You do do that. Yeah, I do that a lot. Yeah. It was the right-o, the right-o. But how condescending though is it when someone calls you, like, sport or something?

Champion is a favourite of mine or a champ. Mine's Buddy. Thanks, Buddy. I just find that like just such a jerk thing to say. What about Bud? I sometimes say Bud. Bud doesn't really bother me. Thanks, Bud.

Yeah, cheers, Bud. Yeah. One that was on the list that I hadn't heard for a while, Turbo, which sounds like the guy at the local footy club who thinks he's a sick Rick and he is not. Everyone's like, oh, Turbo. Yeah, he kind of, yeah, like heaps of energy, always pounding V or like Red Bull or whatever. I might start working Turbo into my vocab.

Oh, cheers, Turbo. Whenever Torbs is being a fuckhead, my partner Torbs, I'll say sport because he fucking hates it. I'll be like, oh, okay, sport. And he'll be like. You rile him up, do you? Yeah. He hates that. Yeah, he does hate that.

Don't wink at me. Sorry. Especially when you're like, yeah. Next one. You must clack the tongs twice before using. I'm not going to put that one into law because it already is. Because when was the last time that you went to turn sausages on a barbecue or whatever and you didn't go first?

When was the, when, when? Never, because I'm not a psychopath. Because it's the law. Thank you. Because the police will come round. Do other countries have tongs? Surely. How do other countries cook sausages?

Do they have sausages? Can I tell you something that may be controversial? What was that face I was just doing? I don't know, but I wouldn't put that on a photo. Sorry, that's the funniest thing you've ever said. Don't say that to me. That was really funny. And then I said I won't judge you.

The gavel. Oh, bloody hell, you've got me again. Yep. How's he do it? How's he do it? Fucking write yourself. Righto, Tovo. At our household.

In our household. At our household. Just say at your house. And this is not my choice. This is the choice of my partner, Bridget, who I love dearly and I need nothing more in this world than the presence of her to make me happy. It's beautiful. She cooks sausages in the oven. But don't they go, like,

weird on the outside? They shrink. And they go, like, hard. Why does she... She's not from this country. Do you know that you could solve that by offering to cook? Please don't yell at me. Why don't you just say, hey, doll,

why don't you pop them on the frying pan or something? On the barbecue out the back? Got a Weber in the courtyard there? You've got a Weber, but you use the oven? I know. What the fucking hell? Everything's out of order at our house at the moment. We're about to move.

Oh, yeah. We've got an open house today, fingers crossed. Okay. What time? 3.30 to 4. Oh, God, we'd better get our skates crossed. Okay. What time? 3.30 to 4. Oh, God, we better get our skates on. Yeah. Next unofficial Australian rule that may be put into law.

Understand that when someone says, how's it going, they're actually not inviting you to a conversation to discuss how they're going. Put it into law. Oh, actually. So how are you going? Oh, well, actually, I bet. No, I was just being polite.

No, actually, can I rescind my gavel? Yep. You've seen Tenet, so. Yeah. You understand how that works? We're watching Tenet on Thursday, so if you haven't seen it, please watch it. Tony will explain how it works.

Spoiler alert, because it's only like two years old. Every other movie we've ever watched is like 70 years old. This one's brand new. Anyway, when I ask someone how they are, I want them to tell me. So I don't want to put that one into law. Really? Yeah. So like, you know how, and it actually makes me feel bad because if someone goes like,

oh, how are you? I'm like, oh, I just have to say that I'm good because that's polite. Isn't it funny when sometimes you're really sick and someone goes, how are you? And you go, good, thanks. And then you go, oh, actually I'm not. I'm actually not. But it's just such a throwaway, hey, I'm good.

It's almost like saying hi. I think that's what the law is trying to say here, the proposed law. Oh, okay, so saying like, how's it going? Like when you go to the drive-through and you go, yeah, how's it going? Can I get a bloody whatever? Yeah. We've been in the drive-through before though. What do I do every time?

Tony, oh, this. Nothing makes me cringe harder. Than listening to me order something. Tony is so aggressively polite and so fearful of the person in the drive-through judging her. Hey, mate, how's your day? How's your family? Show me a photo of your dog.

How are you going? Oh, do I need a straw? You decide. It's fine. I won't yell at you either way. Just don't hate me, please. And I'm like, just tell them what you want and smile and give them the money.

They'll give you the food and get the fuck out of here. But I always say, hi, how are you? And then I pause because I actually want them to respond. They don't care. But I think it's nice. To waste their time. No. To waste the time of the person behind us in the drive-thru.

And because I know that every single person that's talked to them has gone like, yeah, how are you going? Can I get a large double quarter pound of meal? Can I get six nuggets? Fucking whatever. I want them to have a chance to be like, yeah, good. Even if it's still just the polite, yeah, good. I want them to be able to respond.

I get what you're saying. Thank you. Because as someone who's worked in like a hospital and I worked at a hotel, the general public can be jerks, but I think you can be nice and polite without wasting their time. No, I'm actually going to put a boundary in there and say that I like asking it because I like it when people ask me. Even if I do the knee-jerk reaction of like, yeah, good,

could I just get your help with something or can I do something for you or whatever? But if I was talking to a friend and I said, how are you, I would think that, I would hope. Is your friend working at the drive-through? Are they a friend? No, no, no. So like say if I called you and I went, how are you, mate?

And then you went, yeah, good. I'd be like, oh, that's weird. What if I was just good? But like I would. Hey, Tony. Yeah. How are you? Yeah, like, I would. Hey, Tony. Yeah? How are you? Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, this is A-Lo from Chicago, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, things you can say... Is it as a pirate or to a pirate? I hope it's to a pirate because that's what I did. Tomorrow on the show... I need 10 minutes. Tomorrow on the show, things you can say to a pirate and also in the bedroom.

And this comes off the back of Tony needing an eye patch the other day, which may or may not have been jizz related. We will discuss that on tomorrow's show and people in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group, you may have seen the brouhaha that was Tony and I's text exchange. That's tomorrow on the show. But first, a quick

thank you to a few of our champion tarpers, Rowdy Hilmer, Jamie Davis, Tom Terrific and Hannah Cook. Tom Terrific. Yep. Are you joking? I'm guessing it is a fake name because in Patreon, as we've discussed, you can do a fake name.

I'm guessing that Tom's last name isn't Terrific, but if it is, how Terrific is that? It would be Terrific. Also, the way we learned that you can put names that aren't your real name is when the poop tower joined and we went, surely that's not... That was comedy comedy. That one was a bit

of a red flag. I think we were like, hang on. Also, Big Matty K. We're guessing that on Big Matty K's passport it doesn't say Big Matty K. But that's unfounded. We don't know. Imagine if it was and he's listening going, those rude pricks making fun of my name.

My mum called me Big Matty. Dad wanted to call me K. They joined them together. I'm Big Matty K. That's just his first name, by the way. He sends us a photo and it's like him holding the newspaper and his passport. He's like, this is my real name.

Tony, I need to thank you for, A, just being a part of my life. You've made my life so much better. Is that true? It is. That's nice. Every time we hang out, even if we're like planning a show or talking beers or whatever, we still are. Talking beers?

Well, that would mean we had a business, which is not true. Yeah, we just have a podcast. Is it true, though, that at some stage every time we hang out, there is a big laugh about something? Oh. We're having a good time. 100%. We're having a good time.

I think so. Something else that you've brought to my life is technological change. So before I met you, I'd never had these new Fandangle AirPods. They are good, aren't they? They're great. They're so handy. So thank you very much. Because you don't have to hold your phone all the time.

No. Yeah. Or when you're at to hold your phone all the time. No. Yeah. Or when you're at the gym, there's no cord. Yeah. So you're not getting stuck and you don't have to hold your phone because you've only got X amount of slack. The amount of times. I mean, not that that's going to happen that much for you,

but it's still good to know, isn't it? Because I'm not at the gym that often. Is that what you're saying? Well, mate, we know that that's true. We went to the gym together this week, actually. We did. That's coming. One thing I also wanted to thank you was letting me know

that there on your phone is power saving mode. So now when I go to- Not relatable for me. I've never used it but- Because you taught me about power saving mode, thanks to you, Tony, I can now go to bed with only like 15% battery and not only do I know that's going to get me through the night, I can probably go to work the next day and% battery and not only do I know that's going to get me through the night, I can probably go to work the next day and my phone's not going to run out.

So thank you for helping me. I'm so glad. Thank you. That's awesome. That's a boundary that I'm putting in to say I can't control what you do, I can only control what I do. Well, you can control what I do. You've told me about PowerSaver, Mo.

You're making me not charge my phone more. And that's great. Is it told me about PowerSaver. You're making me not charge my phone more. And that's great. Is it? Yeah. And I hope that when you need to get a fucking Uber bike home or a Lime scooter or order an Uber or whatever that you've still got

charge in your phone. I really hope that you do. Because you are choosing to do that and I love that for you. Great job. Thanks, Turbo. Yeah, good on you, sport. Last week, Tony got on a very high horse about a redundancy plan, which sounded awfully like a contingency plan.

And the more questions I asked, the more it sounded like a contingency plan. But you were adamant that it was a redundancy plan. Thank you to the Tarpers, the Tony and Ryan Facebook frequenters, for saying Tony's an idiot. She's describing a contingency plan, which is something, if something goes wrong, it doesn't matter. Like a backup. Because we've got a plan B. Yeah.

A contingency plan. Uh-huh. Are you going to sit here and say that you're still saying it's a redundancy plan? So I, there's all these comments, as you just said, saying that I was fucking wrong. And if I was wrong, all good because remember when I said, remember when I said vehemently and it's actually vehemently?

That's very funny. Anyway, so I was like, fuck, that's really weird. I've always said redundancy plan. So I asked my partner, Torbs, I was like, does redundancy plan mean the same thing as contingency plan? He was like, oh, well, at uni, we always said, do we have a redundancy? Like, do we have a backup? And then I Googled. So what I Googled is redundancy plan backup. And it comes up. What does redundancy mean to your business? Redundancy is an engineering term.

Well, you are a sound engineer. Thank you. So I wouldn't know this well, but you do because you're an engineer. Thank you. That means the duplication of critical components or functions of a system with the intention of increasing reliability of the system, usually in the form of a backup or failsafe or to improve actual system performance.

Delete the word backup and Google it again because you can't just add words usually in the form of a backup or fail safe or to improve actual system performance. Delete the word backup and Google it again because you can't just add words and say, oh, I found it. No, but that's the... This is my contingency plan for finding out the answer. So when you do that, it comes up with like the fair work ombudsman for redundancy. Because that's what redundancy is. No, but the context of what I was using it in is important.

So you were using it in an engineering context. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. I keep forgetting you're an engineer. Exactly, mate. See, that's your fault. It is. And I apologise.

I've been proven wrong. But the problem is that. Waves the flag. It's finally happened. The whole time I was at uni, we always called it a redundancy plan. What uni did you go to? I went to WAPA, an arts university. An arts school.

An arts school teaching engineering. I've heard it all now. I've heard it all. God, this is a real episode for first, isn't it, champ? Pipe down, bud. Last week, Tony and I ran what we described as a marathon. Others have corrected us by saying that 2.2 kilometres is in fact not a marathon.

Yeah, I kept calling it a 10K. Again, not factually accurate. Yeah, I told everyone at work that I was going to run a 10K. We ran 4.4 between us. Yes. If you run a half marathon with a friend, have you run a marathon together? But isn't a marathon like 40Ks?

42.6 or something? Yeah, so even that is 20. A half marathon is 20, so we would have still had to run 10 each. And fuck that. Okay, so suddenly the full marathon has become a half shared as a quarter. No, you just said is that half, if you do a half marathon with a friend, so that's like 20Ks, so we would have still had to do 10 each and we only did two. No, no, I meant you do a half marathon with a friend, so that's like 20Ks, so we would still have to do 10 each and we only did two.

No, no, I meant you'd do a half each. Oh, no. So then that would even. I wasn't on board for the 10. I'm definitely not on board for the 20. How can we make us doing 2Ks sound like a marathon? Well, the two of us did it together. Yeah, divided by 16.

Or carry the four to the power of N. And my cousin twice removed. Yeah, that makes sense. Got it. Thank you to everyone who said well done. We said we would run 2 metres for every one person that signed up to Patreon. There was a bit of a delay because of Tony's ta-tas. But they're on the mend, as are our legs

from doing the marathon. Yeah, we both had shin splints from only 2k's. Congratulations to Tony on not wasting a single step, someone put in the comments. I love how when she completed the 2.2, she didn't even bother to take a step off the treadmill. She just fell off the back of it.

Yep. I wasn't willing to take an extra step. I didn't need to. No, not required. Because I had done my job. I had met the minimum requirement of the day. It actually, but, I mean, I've seen this thing. I can't remember who posted it.

I think it might have been Millie Graham. She's like a famous TikToker. Yeah. And she was like, oh, when you're on a walk with a friend and you start telling a story at like the hardest part of a walk and so the friend's like, so how's work going? And you're about to go up a walk and you're like, what am I supposed to do?

And that is a perfect example of times when you can say it's good and then just move on. All right. I did sleep well, though. Same. Exercise. We talked about this on the bonus set for Patreon. Oh, don't get away for free, mate.

You want to hear it? You can fucking pay for it. Well, spoiler alert, we exercise and it helps you sleep better. There, I've said it. Okay. Save your money, guys. That's the kind of gear you're missing. All right, things we love to see to wrap up the episode.

Okay, I've got a bit of a lame one. But last night, and I kind of mentioned this to you before, but last night I was working on my laptop, like doing prep for the show and doing a few other things. I've got lots on at the moment. Everyone does. You sound very busy. I'm so busy, mate.

Busy is not a personality. Like, you can't define yourself by your busyness. Don't tell it to me, mate. Oh, mate, I'm telling myself. Tell it to the mirror. Anyway, I was working away on my laptop. Torbs was playing a brand new video game that's just come out. He's also very busy.

He's very busy. He's very busy. He isn't busy. And we had a gin and, like, the lamp was on and we were, like, just sitting there together and it was just lovely. Lovely. And we just, like, didn't need to talk to, like, we were just enjoying each other's company but, like, doing our own thing.

So my study is really, I'm getting towards the exams. Yeah, you are fucking flat out, yeah. And so Bridget and I find it comforting that even if she's doing her own thing and I'm doing my own thing, but if we're doing our own thing in the same room together, it feels kind of nice. Yeah, and you know when you're busy, you kind of feel like you're missing out

on time with the other person. And at the moment, because we're kind of both got our own thing on, but yeah, just sitting together, it was kind of like, oh, I'm not missing out on, like, Torb's time, but I'm still getting to, like, get shit done, but we're enjoying each other's company and, like, I'd look up and watch him play the game for a bit and he would die

and I'd be like, oh, shame, and then, like, do you know what I mean? It was just really nice. Can someone, if this relates to you, it seems like a really small, lame thing, but I reckon with people having worked from home for the last two years, just knowing that your partner's in the next room, oh, you want to come and grab some lunch, it's really nice. Yeah. I'm with you.

Yeah, and I think you love to see it because I think most people would just get fucked off with their partner, but I just love Torb so much. People keep asking, oh, you and Bridget, you're working from home, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, you must be fighting. It's like, no, I actually love my wife. We get along really well. We're best mates. Obviously, the dog is better mates. Jeez, you must be fighting. It's like, no, I actually love my wife. We get along really well.

We're best mates. Obviously, the dog is better, mate. Yeah, but that's okay. He's there as well. Working through it. We all fell asleep on the couch together, all three of us last night. So sweet. I've got to love to see it.

Yep. You know how, speaking of things that aren't a personality, being into oils. Or like doTERRA and shit. Is not a personality. Okay, fucking also red flag MLM. Yep. So I saw this meme last night and I was like, oh, talk to me.

Yeah. I'm all about this. Oh, my God. It says, I too like to dabble in essential oils. And it's a picture of fries being dropped into a deep fryer. And I was like, hey, maybe I'm an oil guy after all. Yeah, I've been just thinking about the wrong oils. Do I want lavender?

Fuck no. But I want my chips fried in it. Yeah. Love that. Lavender? No. Garlic in a herb? Thank you.

How's a bit of like when you go to a fancy restaurant and they do like truffle shavings and like parmesan on top of like a polenta chip or something. Oh, fuck. Talk to me, dog. All right, we'll chat to you tomorrow when the pirates are in. Essential oils are a meow, em, meowm, em, mel, meowm. And then I said, I won't judge you.

He said it again. Oh, God. Meow, meow, meow.