Tony Mantor: Why Not Me ? - Ebony Allard: Harmonizing Life's Symphony - From Autism Revelation to Entrepreneurial Innovations

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Send us a text When Ebony Allard stepped into the luminous yet puzzling world of her autism, she unearthed an unexpected sanctuary amidst the rhythmic hum of Spain's foreign tongue. Our latest conversation with this mystic artist and self-actualization facilitator is nothing short of a revelation, as she shares the untold nuances of living with autism diagnosed in adulthood. Ebony's narrative is not just her own - it echoes the silent symphonies of many who navigate life feeling perennially out of sync, only to discover that their unique symphony has its own harmonious place in the world. Venture with us through the entangled pathways of Ebony's metastable nervous system, where humor became her shield and rebellion her salve during the tumultuous journey from adolescence to the vast stages of university life. Her candid reflection on the seismic shifts from small classrooms to the grand theatres of scenic art and theatre practice casts a spotlight on the coping mechanisms that so often go unseen. In this chapter of Ebony's life, the laughter and defiance that peppered her story reveal a profound self-awareness and resilience that speaks volumes to anyone wrestling with their mental health in the face of daunting social landscapes. But the richness of Ebony's tapestry doesn't stop at her personal triumphs; as the founder of Ebony Unlimited Limited, her entrepreneurial flair has ignited transformations that are nothing short of miraculous - from marketing professionals to men of the cloth. Our exchange dives into the kaleidoscope of her ventures and the delicate dance of neurodiverse relationships, all while dispensing wisdom that resonates deeply with those striving to carve out their unique imprint in business and life. Ebony's journey, marked by her laughter, learning, and limitless potential, is a testament to the fact that sometimes, the most profound insights come from embracing the very things that make us different. https://tonymantor.com https://Facebook.com/tonymantor https://instagram.com/tonymantor https://twitter.com/tonymantor https://youtube.com/tonymantormusic intro/outro music bed written by T. Wild Why Not Me the World music published by Mantor Music (BMI) The content on Why Not Me: Embracing Autism amd Mental Health Worldwide, including discussions on mental health, autism, and related topics, is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not reflect those of the podcast, its hosts, or affiliates.Why Not Me is not a medical or mental health professional and does not endorse or verify the accuracy, efficacy, safety of any treatments, programs, or advice discussed.Listeners should consult qualified healthcare professionals, such as licensed therapists, psychologists, or physicians, before making decisions about mental health or autism- related care.Reliance on this podcast's contents is at the listener's own risk. Why Not Me is not liable for any outcomes, financial or otherwise, resulting from actions taken based on the information provided. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. I'm very proud to have the Autism Society sponsoring this episode. The Autism Society of America is dedicated to creating connections, empowering everyone in the autism community with the resources needed to live fully. With 1 and 36 children diagnosed with autism, the Autism Society is dedicated to promoting acceptance and increasing accessibility through education, advocacy, support, and community programming. The Autism Society's vaccine Education Initiative has provided over 30,000 accessibility resources and trained over 5,000 healthcare providers to advance health equity through inclusive and accessible care. Together, we can work towards a world in which everyone is connected to the support they need,

when they need it. For more information, go to autismsociety.org forward slash VEI. That's autismsociety.org forward slash VEI. The connection is you. Welcome to Why Not Me the World Podcast, hosted by Tony Mantor. Broadcasting from Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. Join us as our guests tell us their stories. Some will make your laugh, some will make you cry. Real life people who will inspire and show that you are not alone in this world. Hopefully, you gain more awareness, acceptance, and a better understanding for autism around the world. Welcome to Why Not Me the World. Today's guest is Ebony Allard.

She's a mystic artist and self-actualization facilitator. She has such a great story to tell. Thanks for coming on. My pleasure. Now, I understand that you're living in Spain, but I hear an English accent. So my accent is English, currently in Spain. That's what I thought. I saw you as from Spain, but I've spoken with enough people from England so that I knew that you had that accent for sure.

She's not Spanish. Yeah, no, I'm not Spanish. And actually, I'm really happy to talk about it as an autistic thing. Okay. Oh, how do we put this? On paper, I still live in England, and so I always say I split my time. But one of the main reasons for living here is post-diagnosis, I'm like, well, of course, basically, when I'm here, because I don't understand everything, all of the time. My nervous system gets abreast. And when I'm in the UK or when everyone's speaking English, it's sometimes so full on for me just to be out in public and like do life that I always wondered like, why do I like being abroad so much? And it's my favorite places to be is where I don't speak language and where I've kind of got that white noise of language and around me rather than

like being able to understand every single conversation about around me. And I have discovered that I'm not the only one. There are a law hall. kind of expats or like nomads who feel that way and who had never really put two and two together until I've named it and then they're like, yeah, I totally get them. Wow, I think this is truly interesting. Of all the people that I've spoken with,

this is the first time I've had this perspective and thought process. When I got my diagnosis, which I did privately, it's a long, complicated story and it wasn't easy, simple or fun. But when I finally spoke to somebody who had experienced diagnosing both women and dual diagnosis, ADHD and autism. He was Dutch and he lives in England. And when I explained that bit to him, he was like,

I really get that as a Dutch man living in England. I think I feel the same about it a little bit. And so it was really nice and affirming to have that experience. Yeah. So how long has it been since you've been diagnosed? Like literally a year and a half ago. Okay. So I guess my first question is,

why did you wait so long to get your diagnosis? Was there a reason for that? I had literally no idea, like genuinely, he had no idea. I had a book called Misfit to Maven. I have a program that's 10 years old this year called Misfit to Maven. So I always felt like a misfit, always felt like I didn't fit in. But I attributed that quite a lot to having a very unusual childhood, having unusual, I went to Steiner school, I lived in seven countries before I was seven, had parents who were hugely

ahead of their time. And it just never occurred to me. There was even a thing, and genuinely for my generation, ADHD and autism weren't a thing that happened to girls. You're just difficult or like, clever or something or creative or a bit bipolar or very hormonal. But it never, no one ever suggested it.

It was never an option. And they don't know what you don't know, right? Absolutely. So you're just going through life as a young kid. Don't know that you're autistic. It affects everyone differently, how they interact with people. So I guess my question is

you're going through life as a young kid, not knowing you're autistic, how did it affect you and how did it affect those around you? I am hugely lucky and really appreciative of my parents because they were really ahead of their time. They were very into yoga and healthy food and living and a lot of stuff that these days we would call kind of nervous system regulation. Okay.

Right. So there was a lot of, again, which are kind of buzzwords and things that people talk about now. Right. But didn't then, like in the 80s, those weren't things, right? And so if a child's having tantrum or a meltdown or like had system overload, which would happen quite a lot for me, it wasn't made a big deal of I wasn't, I was given space to process and to do the things that I needed to do.

And, you know, it's only looking back that we know these things. So I have, and I've talked about this on other shows, and I'm happy to talk about it, and I wouldn't have been when I was younger, because I was ashamed, it was really embarrassed. But I had a feather pillow. and that I went with everywhere. I was very social.

I would stay the night out of people's houses. I love to do that as long as I had this feather pillow. I used to call it a do-do. And as long as I had it, I could sleep anywhere. I could socialize with strangers. I could do unusual things. There would be some, like I remember having to make my, or making my dad drive me a four-hour round trip to go and pick it up,

and I would have, like, lost it. We didn't have this thing. And in my teens, I went, I moved to London. I went to university. And I don't know how I made it so that this was cool or accessible. But I had people like sewing cases for this thing that was like 20 years old and would leak fairness everywhere. And people would make covers for it for me and like ask to borrow it sometimes.

And I had this. And it was essentially a security blanket that was a real source of stimming and comfort for me and allowed me to interact, do normal things with people and feel secure. And when I was in my early 20s, I was very embarrassed about it and I decided it was time to grow up. And I threw it away in a public dustbin trash can so that I wouldn't go and get it out and so that I wouldn't have it again. And for a little while, I was bereft and I could work out why. And then I ended up buying an equivalent, right? Like I have these two pillows now that are on my bed and that it looked like growing up.

I've got pillows. and it travels with me everywhere on airplanes, you know, all over the place. And the other one is, it's great, but it's not the same. And a normal person would be able to fill them and they cannot tell the difference which one is which I can. And again, I feel so weird talking about it. But also, whenever I talk about it, other people are like, thank you for talking about this. It's so important.

Well, that's what this podcast is about. Yeah. The different things that people do, that might be something that other people have in common or something that, other people might think maybe I need to try that. Like, so for me, the dual diagnosis means that I can come across really, I can mask very well or come across very neurotypical and very intelligent and like I have my stuff together and I can manage a lot of things.

Right. And then I have day. And that is true, right? Like the part of me that likes routine and structure and enables me to do that. Right. Part of me that likes creativity and spontaneity and things to be different. Right. And so they work really beautifully together.

Right. And then every now and then I like hit a wall where I spend three days staring at a ceiling and cannot move, cannot think, cannot do anything and just have to kind of recalibrate and catch up. And for the longest time, no one saw those times. So they just thought I was this super machine. Right. A huge part of the last few years has been being a little bit more public about what those burnout or like just can't people or like whatever those days are that they exist. I have them and trying to normalize that a little bit more as well. Now, you mentioned ADHD.

Was you diagnosed that way as well? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I've had people that, and I think this is fascinating now, it just depends upon how it works with you. I've had people tell me that the ADHD will pull them in one direction and then their autism will pull them back in another direction and they're kind of conflicting on which direction to take.

How does that affect you? I often say, you know, when they're working together, I'm like a superhuman, right? And when they're working opposite each other, it's like having two toddlers running in opposite directions, and it feels like there's just this fight going on inside you. And it is like, if you imagine two toddlers tantruming.

Right. It's a lot, right? It's just a lot. Yeah. And what happens to me is because I'm trained in all this nervous system stuff, I like, now I can identify it. And I know what's happening. So I call this metastable because it is,

fight, flight, freeze, fawn, disassociate, all at the same time, right? And so what happens in my system is it's like it's completely overloaded and shut down at the same time. And it's such a like being able to have language for it, being able to understand and discern what's actually going on. Right. That's helped me so much in terms of my mental health because I no longer think I'm dying. I no longer think I'm going insane. I no longer think, what if I never get my brain back? right. Like in that, I just go, hey, stop. Like, I literally treat myself like I would, two toddlers.

And I'm like, calm down, have a breath. What do you need? Are you hungry? Do you need a sleep? Like, really nurture these two toddlers inside myself until, until both of them are more calm and one of them makes more sense to me than the other. Sure. Now, your formative years during your teens, especially for feelings. females, they tend to mask it and then because they're hitting their teens, their body's changing, they're going through all these mental changes plus physical changes. How did you handle all that? So the other thing that happened for me around that time is I went from a school that had five classes of 30 to a school that had 10 classes of 30 per year and eight years. So I basically went from like this small, comfortable thing where I knew everyone to this incredibly large

campus. One of my earliest memories of high school, I was short, wasn't as developed as everybody else yet, and I got swept up, you know, the bell would ring and I'd come out of this classroom and there were so many people heading in a direction that my feet would come off the floor and I would be like swept along the corridor and I would cope at school. You know, I was funny, I was comedic, I would get kicked out of class to chat it. Okay. But really, I got kicked out of class so that I could have some quieter. I often say I spent most of my school career. in the corridor. And it was, you know, for me, being seen as the naughty kid who would like speak back and was a bit like, didn't care, had a dual benefit for me. Number one, everyone thought

I was cool. Two, I got to be in the corridor where it was quieter and have like these calmer periods throughout my day because the intensity of that many people and the stimulation was just too much for me. And then the other thing that I remember is that I would come home from school and be a nightmare. And I say that, and I want to be careful with my words, because I now have friends who have teenage daughters who are having this same experience where they say, in front of everybody else, she's charming. And then in front of me, she's just overwhelmed, emotional. And so I would come home and slam all the doors, scream and shout. And I remember just like, it wasn't on purpose.

I would have to, like, get through all the doors to my bedroom. jump on my bed, put loud music, like metal music on as kind of white noise for me. Okay. And then just sob and sob and sob into my pillow, not because I was upset, but because I was overwhelmed. And there was so much emotion in me. The only way to move and come out was to, yeah, listen to very loud music and cry. And I also smoked cigarettes.

And I think, again, that was a chance for me to be alone and to breathe. And to like all of these things, I get it now. But at the time, I had no idea. You said that part of that made you the cool person. So did you have a lot of friends in school compared to others that would kind of shy away from people? Yes, I know, right? Like I'm laughing because, like, this idea that I thought I was cool. I don't know that I was cool in any way at all, right?

But I wanted to be. Like, I really wanted to be. But also, I found intimacy so difficult. And so, and I remember again, And there were these two girls that were best friends. And I remember them having to have an uncomfortable conversation with me where they were like, you aren't in this friendship group. Like we are best friends and like you are the third wheel.

And that hurt my feeling so much because I didn't realize that we couldn't all be friends, the same amount of friends. And what I noticed in high school was that there were groups or cliques, right? Like people got together. And it wasn't that I had no friends. In my mind, how true this is, I don't know. But in my mind, I was friends with all of them. Sure.

I just didn't identify with one, right? Like I would move from one to the other. I didn't have any place of home or safety, but I loved being able to dip in and out of these different groups. And again, I thought my aloofness made me cool. Okay. All right. You get through your school years and then you said you went to a university. Yeah.

How was that? Because universities and school are so different the way they approach things and the way the professors look at you to do things, how did that affect you? So interestingly, in the UK, I know that most people's university experience is not going to very many lectures and it's very social.

And again, you're given a lot of freedom. And you have, you know, I know people who had three or four opportunities that they had to go in each week. I chose a subject that was very practical and specialized. My degree is in scenic art and theatre. practice. And they accepted only four people in my specialism that year. I went to Central School of Speech and Drama, which is one of a very prestigious drama school in London. And we did the background or

all of the stagecraft for putting on shows. I spent my three years at university in a workshop environment where essentially I had a hyper focus that I adore with other people who also felt that way about this particular subject. And I was there five days a week, sometimes six, from 8.30 in the morning to 6.30 at night. And it was the first time for me that I felt like I had a family of people who got me, who were also like interested in this thing that we could talk about forever. And the likelihood is that I had found myself, our kin for the first time, right? Sure. So once you got your degree and you got all that behind you, then what did you move on to. So my degree was in

theatre, but I wanted to work in film and TV, because I felt like that was where I could marry two things. I could, potentially three things. I wanted money. Right. A socially acceptable career. Right.

And I wanted to be creative. And to me, that was a place where that could all happen. Okay. The reality is that that industry, there are a lot of people who are autistic and or a ADHD because it's an industry where you have to overwork massively. Right.

They count on your half the focus and codependence. So I did very well, very quickly, but I also ended up really experiencing massive burnout and eventually left that industry in that career. Okay. So when you left that, what did you find that was a better fit for you? Or did you find a better fit? I moved into, so I actually started one of the very very. first virtual assistant and personal assistant businesses back in 2008.

Okay. Well, very few other people were doing at that time. It was a third time. Okay. You said to people, so I will work here. And you will work there and they were like, what? You won't be in my bricks and mortar building? Like, it was really new to them.

And I would sell people on this idea that effectively I could do work for them while they were asleep. You know, we could use the time zones to our advantage. Right. That was, yeah, my first business that wasn't me freelancing. Like I moved from a freelancer, which I was in the film industry, to really starting my own business. Right.

I, within three years, I had 17 freelancers working for me. And we had clients in seven countries. And again, there's a pattern. I massively overworked and burnt myself out. So when you burnt yourself out, did you completely crash? Or did you just kind of hit that point where, I've got to slow it down and refocus and re-energize. I often say that the first one, so the film industry was a burnout.

Like, I was exhausted. Right. Second one was a breakdown because, and the way that I described, that is that my insides and my outsides didn't match. So what was happening is that I was maturing. I was doing a lot of personal development work. I was learning who I am, and I was starting to learn about my operating system

and what made me different. I had no language for them. But I understood that I was. and I understood in some way that I was masking and that I couldn't do that anymore. It was making me miserable to do that. Right. And I was using a lot of drugs. I was using a lot of cocaine because it was the only way I could show up as this person.

People need, I felt people needed me to be. Okay. So that second period, that kind of breakdown period, that was really a pivotal moment and led to what I do now, led to me coaching and working in a kind of a career in a way that, is much more sustainable, much more me. But it was a choice. I kind of realized that I could either end my life

or I could choose to really learn who I was and learn to love like who I found or changed until I did. And I really made that my mission. I actually moved to Bali for a short time, gave myself a sabbatical, really chose to invest in my own personal development and growth and figure out who I was. and change until I was able to love everything

or accept everything about myself. And that was 2011, 2012, and I have been doing what I do now pretty much since then. Okay, so now you said that you got into some drugs there for a while, and then you also brought up the ending of life. Was that a thought process of you thinking to end your life, or was that just you afterwards saying, you know, if I'd stayed on that path, my life would have ended?

There was intervention by other people in role. I really was going to do it. It was only in discussing that with other people that I was able to see that there were options. What I know is that when we have the three P's, when everything in your life feels permanent, pervasive and personal, the only option that feels like a viable option is the ending of life. And I was in that place. We're again, very fortunate to have enough.

People around me, community around me, wise people who were able to show me that it wasn't permanent or that it didn't have to be pervasive. And slowly, slowly I was able to move from a place where it felt like there were no options to now life where I see thousands of options every single day. Oh, that's good because I've talked with several different people and because suicide is the second leading cause of death among autistic people around the world. and we've discussed how they got there, how they got past that, and then what a struggle it is for them every day to keep moving forward

with those thoughts every now and then coming back. So now that you've gone through the first two stages, that third stage of working every day and having a difficult day so that it doesn't come back, does that ever enter your mind if you just completely push that out now so that you're completely free of those thoughts? I am completely free of those thoughts. Okay, good.

I cannot imagine ending it early. It's such an adventure. I feel so fortunate to be alive, and every experience is valid for the experience in itself. And these days, that's not to say I don't have down days, for sure. Of course. Just discuss, right? Like, I still have periods of burnout.

I still have periods of identity where I'm like, who even am I? Sure. I still get that. I very much get the kind of autistic thought loops where, like, I cannot make my way forward because I cannot break out of this thought loop. But these things, I have the capacity to see it for what it is. And I'm like, just drop it, right? Like, either you can sit here and, like, stay in this thought loop forever.

Or you can drop it and go do something else, right? Like, what are some ways that I can distract myself with this? Because today is not a day to make a decision on this. Like, this is not working. Do something else instead. And so I feel like I have really good tools. for a lot of the things that I felt so limiting before. Sure.

How long did you say that you've been doing this business that you're doing now? Where are we? So, like, 12, 13 years. So tell me the name of the business, how they can get a whole of you, and then how the business operates and what you do. So the name of the business is my name. So that's nice to needy.

I found that much easier than trying to be anything other than myself. Okay. Okay, all right. Ebony, this one is actually Ebony Unlimited Limited, which is, again, a really nice reminder of that I have these unlimited options. You can get hold of me by going to ebonyallardt.com anytime that you want. You ask me, what does it do? One of my hyperfocuses, big interests is where science and spirituality interact,

and I work quite a lot with human design. You ever had human design? Yeah. So in human design, I am a manifesting general. and again, this information helped me go, oh, I don't have to niche into one thing. It's totally okay for somebody like me to have multiple businesses or ideas or things happening at once. Now I make art and have an online art store that allows me to create. And when I'm in a place, I don't want a people. I just want to draw. I can draw and make things

and add them to my arts. When I'm in a place where I really want a people and I want to coach and facilitate and help, I get to do that and I do that in groups. When I want to have conversations like this, I have a podcast called Adalting with Ebony, and that has been different names, different guys, but ultimately been going for seven seasons now, seven years of the podcasting. And again, I love the conversations

and the relationships that brings into my world. And I write books, and I have just drawn and written an oracle card deck based on human signing of GPs. And so this kind of fusion, of having different options where I get to people and not people, and I get to talk and or write and draw, has changed my life, yeah.

Okay, so when you do have people come to you that need your help, what kind of a success story can you give me that they started here, and then after you taught with them or did what you do, they wound up to another point? So I just interviewed a guy who did the very first iteration of my group program. And that group program is 10 years old. I was celebrating 10 years of it this year. And he was in the very first round where it was a series of videos that I was making

like on the hoof for each week as they needed them and kind of badly made PDFs. But the principles are the same. It's still, you know, it's got the values. the production values have got up since then, but the call it that the premise and each exercise is still exactly the same. He was working for a marketing agency when he first came and worked with me.

He was absolutely miserable and did not see how his life could change because he had kids, he had a wife, he had responsibilities, there was no way it could change. Right. He had a small blog at the time, you know, 10 years ago,

a little music blog. And he used that as his testing ground for the tools that I gave him and shared with him. And before he finished the program, before he finished the course, and it was at that time called 80 Days to R. So within less than three months, he had been invited by his favorite band to come and document their farewell tour. And he traveled with them and wrote about the experience and created a book with them. and that was massive for him.

Like something, you know, just being invited, being asked to go and do this, changed his mindset about what was possible for him. Yeah. We then didn't speak for a little while. And then he got back in touch with me and I noticed that he got back in touch with me because at the time I was talking about what it means to be a priestess. And he got back in touch to say that he would be really interested to have a conversation with me about what a priestess is

because he was in the process of being ordained as a priest. Oh, wow. Okay. He is now a priest. And I call him the mystic priest. We had an episode because it's such a journey, right, from marketing through like this heavy metal music blog to becoming a priest. It's just such an incredible, incredible journey. And so he came on and we talked last week about what's changed for him. And he said, I feel at home in myself.

and feeling at home and myself are no longer searching outside of me for external things to make me happy has allowed me to become happier than I ever dreamed possible. And that for me is a beautiful success story, right? Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Now, some autistic people as well as ADHD have issues with having any intimacy, relationships with others. Have you conquered that yourself and have you helped others conquer that? That's a fantastic question.

Thank you for asking that question. I am 43 years old and I have always believed that it was not possible for me to have a long-term relationship. Okay. I believe that I could have really great intimacy and really great intimate relationships with people for a short period of time. Because ultimately at some point they would figure out who I really was and not like it. or I would get bored and leave, or I would no longer be able to hold up the facade of this perfect being

and crumble in some way and what they would find would be really unlovable when they would leave. And all of those three things are a culmination of the same thing, right? Sure. I can now say that I am in a relationship that makes me very, very happy with somebody who are a very, very long time actually.

And we're friends first, and we have a lot of space on each other. We create a relationship that works for us. That maybe doesn't look necessarily like other people's, but gives me... It doesn't have to. It doesn't have to. And it gives both of us what we need and want in terms of companionship, in terms of challenge,

in terms of fun and playfulness and growth and intimacy, you know, all of those things. And for me, the hardest part of that has been, being vulnerable and truly believing for myself that the most unpalatable, difficult parts of me are lovable and acceptable. And I had to do that for myself first in order for that person to also feel that way, right? Because even if they told me that they felt that way, until I felt it for myself, I didn't believe them.

Right, like people could tell me that. And I was like, you're lying. Right, right. So have you been able to help others cross that barrier? like you did? For sure, and I was actually much better at helping others cross that barrier way before I was able to do it for myself. And yeah, one of my favorite things to be able to do is help people

identify their needs, communicate their needs, receive, love, like all of those things. Yeah, it's one of my favorite things to be able to do because with the longest time, helping others to achieve it meant I didn't need to do it for myself. I could vicariously literally then. Sure, sure. Yeah.

The one thing that I like is I taught with an autistic guy, he did public speaking and he was married, had a couple of kids. And because the stigma of autism, he told me that he would have several people come up to him after he spoke. And they would make statements like, I didn't realize autistic people could have kids. These people don't understand. One of the better things that came out of the conversation with him is how he and his wife developed their relationship. It was a culture difference. He looked at it like you've moved from England to Spain and two different people.

in two different countries will have two different ways of doing things and they have to learn each other's culture and that's how they addressed their life and ultimately it worked out and they got married and had a couple of kids and then living a good life. I love that and I feel like it's so true and I remember as a younger person, I would hear people say things like men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? Right. And again, there was this idea that we were from different planets. Right. In fact, this person that I'm now in a relationship with, when we first met each other, we were so different

that the idea of landing in a place of really understanding each other without fighting, without conflict, right? It was like, listen, we like each other, but there's just no way on us. This is going to work. Right, right. Roll on like 13, 14 years.

And, you know, where we are now is like, we're so different. Right. That we make a fantastic team because we've got each other, right? Like, I've got these bits, you've got those bits. and the values are in line with each other.

That's great. The things that we really value, the things that we really care about are the same. Do we have sometimes conflicting beliefs about those things? Sure. And having an air of curiosity and also this, I don't know, softness of maturity allows us to have dialogue about it from a like, that's fascinating.

I would never think about it like that. rather than you're so wrong or you're so weird, right? Instead, there's this level of, wow. I love that because that curiosity and that fascination and one of the things I say in my coaching business over and over again and one of the hardest things for me to learn and embody, not just say, was you can be right or you can be happy. And nearly everyone says to me, I want both.

I'm like, that's nice, but you're going to have to choose. And I have chosen, finally, happiness over being right. And I know, like these days I do not have to be right all the time. And it is that one thing that allows me to be happy. That's great. All right. So now you're standing in front of 100 people or 1,000 people. You're giving a little conference.

Some of them are autistic. Some of them may be ADHD. Some of them might be neurotypical. What are you going to tell them? Each of us has a unique operating system. and when we understand that operating system, we can utilize it really well. And if we assume that everyone's operating system works the same,

it can be incredibly frustrating. So, for example, if I go up to a vending machine and I presume it works a certain way, I can just stand there bashing numbers and nothing comes out, or I can understand this particular operating system and then something beautiful will drop out for me, right? Like instantly. that is the case I think with all human beings, right?

Like we can spend a minute reading the manual or learning the manual, understanding how this being operates, and then interacting with it can become a really beautiful thing rather than a really frustrating thing. Most of us assume we know other people's operating manual and we do not. And rather than thinking it would be really frustrating to learn, it can be fascinating to learn someone else's operating system.

Yeah, okay. So now, is there anything that we haven't touched upon that is important to you that you would like to put out there? So the core of two programs or experiences that I run are the first one I call glow up, don't grow up. And what I see in a lot of neurodiverse individuals is that they are taking too much responsibility, the stuff that is not their responsibility, and not enough responsibility for their own fun and or pleasure. And so that idea of glow up rather than grow up is one that I would love to infect the world with, like check what you're being responsible for. The weight of the world is not yours to carry.

It is your responsibility to have fun and enjoy your life. So that's one. The second transformation that I take people on is become full of yourself. And I don't know whether I'm allowed to swear, but I'm going to do it anyway. But I say, become full of yourself because how should you be full of? And many, many years ago, I ran some Facebook ads and separate campaigns. And under both of these campaigns, people wrote, oh, my God, this woman is so full of herself. And my initial response was like, I think I'm not supposed to be.

So I should be offended, right? And secondly, who should I be full up? I don't understand. And so this other thing of like, please become full of yourself. You are fascinating. I want to see what you are full of, who you are. well full of. And when we meet people who are full of themselves, if it upsets us, it's only because we are not of ourselves. Instead, I would love to be a demonstration of being full of myself and

give you permission to be full of yourself. It's been fascinating. It's been a great conversation. I really appreciate you coming on. Thank you for having me and for hosting this. I think it's such important work. It really, really is. And you are great, not asking really good questions. So thank you. It's been my pleasure. Thanks again. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to listen to our show today. We hope that you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you. If you know anyone that would like to tell us their story, send them to tonymentor.com. Contact, then they can give us their information so one day they may be a guest on our show.

One more thing we ask, tell everyone everywhere. about why not me, the world, the conversations we're having and the inspiration our guests give to everyone, everywhere that you are not alone in this world.