Tony Mantor: Why Not Me ? - Jana Fuchs: Weaving Strength and Positivity through the Family Tapestry of Autism and ADHD

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Send us a text Navigating the intricate maze of raising children with autism and ADHD is a quest that resonates deeply with many, including myself. When Jana Fuchs, an expert clinical psychotherapist and coach, joined us, she brought not only her professional expertise but also her personal narrative of fostering a positive dynamic within her family. Our conversation traversed the rewarding complexities of sibling relationships affected by neurodiversity, the intersection of ADHD and autism, and the essential strategies to empower both children and parents facing social challenges. With Jana's guidance, we ventured into the nuanced world of educational advocacy, where crafting a supportive environment for neurodivergent children becomes paramount. Sensory sensitivities, adaptability, and the importance of open communication, especially in the wake of bullying, were part of our candid dialogue. We also illuminated the process of securing an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) and the necessity of a responsive school atmosphere, which can dramatically alter a child's academic and social experiences, especially as they approach the transformative teenage years. The episode culminates with a celebration of the victories that often go unseen, as we recounted moving stories of mothers and children who've made remarkable strides on the autism spectrum. Jana shared an inspiring anecdote of a mother's patient and creative journey with her level three autism-diagnosed son, shattering misconceptions and opening doors to understanding the spectrum's nuances. We closed with a reminder of the powerful impact a supportive community can have, with Jenna extending the warmth of her coaching through a free discovery call, advocating for a world where no mother feels isolated in her journey with neurodiversity. https://tonymantor.com https://Facebook.com/tonymantor https://instagram.com/tonymantor https://twitter.com/tonymantor https://youtube.com/tonymantormusic intro/outro music bed written by T. Wild Why Not Me the World music published by Mantor Music (BMI) The content on Why Not Me: Embracing Autism amd Mental Health Worldwide, including discussions on mental health, autism, and related topics, is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not reflect those of the podcast, its hosts, or affiliates.Why Not Me is not a medical or mental health professional and does not endorse or verify the accuracy, efficacy, safety of any treatments, programs, or advice discussed.Listeners should consult qualified healthcare professionals, such as licensed therapists, psychologists, or physicians, before making decisions about mental health or autism- related care.Reliance on this podcast's contents is at the listener's own risk. Why Not Me is not liable for any outcomes, financial or otherwise, resulting from actions taken based on the information provided. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. I'm very proud to have the Autism Society sponsoring this episode. The Autism Society of America is dedicated to creating connections, empowering everyone in the autism community with the resources needed to live fully. With 1 and 36 children diagnosed with autism, the Autism Society is dedicated to promoting acceptance and increasing accessibility through education, advocacy, support, and community programming. The Autism Society's vaccine education, initiative has provided over 30,000 accessibility resources and trained over 5,000 healthcare providers to advance health equity through inclusive and accessible care. Together, we can work towards a world in which everyone is connected to the support they need when they need it.

For more information, go to autismsociety.org forward slash VEI. That's autismsociety.org forward slash VEI. The connection is you. Welcome to Why Not Me The World Podcast, hosted by Tony Mantor. Broadcasting from Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. Join us as our guests tell us their stories. Some will make your laugh, some will make you cry. Real life people who will inspire and show that you are not alone in this world. hopefully you gain more awareness, acceptance, and a better understanding for autism around the world.

Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. Welcome to Why Not Me the World. Today's guest is Jenna Fuchs. She's a clinical psychotherapist and she's also a coach for mothers raising neurodivergent children. The information she has is purely outstanding. So thanks for coming on. Yeah, thank you for having me. It's my absolute pleasure.

Absolutely. It's great to have you here. My first question is, do you have autism in your family? And is that what led you to become a coach? So I have two kids, one of whom my oldest is autistic with severe ADHD. And he's also gifted. So one of these, you know, kind of typical what we used to call Asperger's really, really bright. And then I have a younger, quote, neuro-tanket.

typical daughter. So what led you to believe that your son might be autistic? Well, it's a great question. So when my son was first evaluated by a neuropsychologist at age six and a half, I, because I have a background in clinical psychology, I said to my husband from the time my son was three years old, I said, please just like revoke my license. If we finally take him to be evaluated, because you have to at least be six and a half here in Illinois to get the neuropsych eval for ADHD. I said, if he is not ADHD, take my license away because this kid like checks every box. Sure enough, he got that diagnosis. Nothing came up at that time that would have warranted any further assessment for autism, though we did observe, you know, just that he was just kind of like a corky kid.

He had some friends. He liked to mix it up. But a lot of times he also just preferred to play on his own. When other kids started doing group projects, he always kind of just preferred to do it on his own. And he took a longer time to move out of the parallel play phase where, you know, like each kid's kind of doing their own thing. By age six, they kind of start to play in groups more. But he still just kind of preferred to do his own thing. Again, no one really thought anything of it. Okay. In his own way, though, when he decided he wanted to engage socially, was pretty outgoing, really articulate. Okay. But as the years went by, I started to kind of notice an increasing gap in what we would consider, you know, quote, typical social behavior, especially as we got closer to like age 10. And that's when I thought to myself, you know what, worth the while to get him re-evaluating. And I was right.

Okay, you get that diagnosis. He's autistic and ADHD as well. I've talked with several people that tell me the ADHD will pull one way, the autism will pull him the other way, and they have to figure out how to work. How does he deal with that? Yeah. So actually, it's so funny because right before I was talking to you, I was on a call with someone else talking about the very same kind of question. So in my son's case, I actually think the ADHD works for him to his advantage. Well, obviously it has some areas that it needs support with that can frustrate him. But the ADHD part gives him this extra added requirement for increased need for stimulation.

And so as he's gotten older, it's kind of helped with his social skills because it's made him one of the more outgoing autistic people. that I know that I've met. And he just does it in his own way. He just socializes in his own way. But he's so outgoing because he kind of needs that stimulation. So he's more of an extrovert than an introvert. He's an extrovert. He's a total extrovert.

Does he have any issues with eye contact or anything like that? Because I know some people do. Yeah. So also a great question. At times, yes, but most of the time not. Okay. So this is another reason why, like, if you are, to draw, you know, a then diagram of ADHD and autism.

There's such a huge overlap in the middle. And so many of the quote unquote, you know, features can present kind of the same. Like on the surface, it's really, it can be really tricky to differentiate. And I now have spoken to so many parents who their kids were first diagnosed as ADHD and then as their kids got older, it kind of became increasingly evident for various reasons that this can't all just be explained by ADHD. Okay, so now you have a younger daughter. Yes.

What's the age difference between them? Yeah, two years, 10 months. Okay, you have a neurotypical daughter. Yep. An autistic ADHD son. So how do they get along? Oh, you know, ask me on any given day. I'll give you a different answer.

Okay. Overall, I will say, overall, they have a sweet and loving relationship. It's changed over the years at different ages. So he is, I will say, he is an incredible big brother. He is by leaps and bounds, my more empathic child. He's really generous. He's really patient. My younger one, the neurotypical one, she kind of,

she's one of these really strong personality type. She's going to be a girl boss. You know, she already kind of. is he's really patient with her. So thank God, that kind of works. She gets to have the space that she wants and the attention she wants and he kind of graciously gives that to her. Okay. At times, it does make us feel protective of him. Sure. So yeah, balancing, right? It's not just one of them who has needs. Just because one is neurodivergent and one is neurotypical doesn't mean that they both don't have needs that need to be attuned to in their own unique ways.

Yeah, and the reason why I asked that is because I interviewed a lady that had three autistic brothers. So she wrote a book about it. Yeah. At times, she would feel like she was the odd person out because her brothers got most of the attention. And even though that she knew her parents cared for her and all that, she had to fight for that attention. And it created some problems, but not a lot of problems. They worked it all out and they're still close. Yeah.

Sometimes that dynamic can create underlying issues. Totally. And I will say as a parent, it's always a balancing act of making sure that you're not missing certain things that a child, one child needs. Right. And so, yeah, it's really interesting. I was starting, I was going to say a few minutes ago, that when my son was about from ages like four through, I would even say like eight, his level of need was much higher.

Okay. Like his nervous system would become, you know, really dysregulated, understandably, right? Right, right. Or we fully understood the specific supports he needed because we didn't yet know he was autistic. And also just age. I think he's matured a lot just as he's gotten older, right? He's now 11. He's kind of like mellowed like a fine wine.

Okay. Now my daughter's at the age where she has a lot of, She's got a lot of drama. She's got a lot of like once and needs. And he's just kind of like chill. So I think part of it is also just like age dependent. Yeah. I'm really glad that you brought that up.

That was my next question was about his age. Yeah. So he's 11 years old. He's growing up. His hormones are starting to kick in. He's almost a teen. Sometimes that creates a lot of dynamic. How is that affecting him or is it affecting him at all?

Great question. So, man, I'm scared to jinx myself. Knock on wood. He is doing fabulously. And I don't want to say anything that's going to embarrass him. But I'll just say that as he moves into his almost teen years, I can't believe it. I get, like, excited. Like, he's excited to be hitting adolescence and feeling a little more manly.

And, yeah, we'll see as he, you know, fully officially becomes a middle schooler. Right. But yeah, so far, I think he's kind of loving this phase. I think he has a confidence now and a calm about him that he didn't used to. That's awesome. Now, some autistic people have issues with textures of clothes or food. Does he have anything along that line at all that affects him? You know, he's really fortunate.

He doesn't have too many of those. The one thing, he's occasionally sensitive to certain smells, and occasionally sensitive to noise. So, like, for example, my daughter really wanted to see, of course, she's an eight-year-old girl. She really wanted to see the Taylor Swift movie, concert movie. We didn't spend the money to take her to one of the big concerts, but we did take her to the movie with the whole family.

Sure. My son normally sits through movies pretty well if it's something that interests him. But I think between the fact that it didn't interest him and it was loud music, right? That music, kind of music feels grading on him. Unless it's like his video. game music. That's his preferred music of choice. Sure. So he did have to put on headphones and eventually

just like, he was like, I can't take this. I just, even with the headphones, I got to leave. Yeah. So one of us took him out. And then, you know, sometimes in restaurants, if there's a very strong smell, I remember we were at one last summer and the hummus had a very strong garlicky smell. And he was like, I got to get out of here. Sure. And so we do what we have to do. We'll take him out. Any bullying or any other issues in school as far as that goes? Oh, that is, of course, parents, you know, confirm this year. Yeah.

I will say there have been a few incidents that seem to have, thank God, not traumatized him, but that did bother him and that we did talk about. And, you know, I stress to him because in both cases, he didn't tell us until like months after. Right. We really kind of stress to him how important it is. to tell us right after, like as soon as it happens so that we can help him first and foremost to just kind of like have a safe place to talk about it, to process it. But also if there's some sort of

way that we need to intervene to let teachers know or let staff know what's going on so they can be on the lookout for it. Luckily right now he goes to a school where I know that he is not alone and being the only child who is neurodivergent in his classroom. And he's got an amazing team of teachers. He goes to a public school. And because he's really intellectually bright, he tested into, you know, it's like an advanced curriculum. So he's in fifth grade, but everything they learn is in sixth grade.

Right. And then he's got the support of his special ed teacher to kind of help him with the attention on task part and to kind of also just help. sometimes when there's some social cues that he might be missing, things like that. Well, I'm glad you brought that up about the school system because that was going to be another question that I had because sometimes parents forget they have to be advocates for their kids, not go and attack the school system. And then once they become more advocates and they start talking to the teachers and

letting them understand, sometimes things change, sometimes they don't. But hopefully in most cases they do. and it's always good that if you've got a school system that you can talk to and build a relationship with so that they understand the needs of your child. Yeah, 100%. And I'll be really clear. We didn't just like fall into this ideal little situation. It took some real work, you know, to your point to have us kind of learn about what options were available to him, what the steps were, because there's a lot of steps.

Right. as you probably know by now of getting an IEP or you know individualized educational plan in place. And so we did end up making the investment to work with an educational advocate, which was one of the best decisions we made because parents don't know what they don't know. Right. I'm a psychotherapist. I know features or quote symptoms to look for. I know how to process feelings. I don't know about educational. law, that's not my field, right? And I don't know what services exist at school. So having someone in our corner who has observed our child at school, who can then help us to be the advocates we want to

be has made such a huge difference. And thank God, he's, he just, he has an amazing, amazing team of teachers. He really does. That's just so good to hear. It really appears that you've adjusted well, he's adjusted well and you've got things kind of under control. For the moment, we'll see how teenage years go. Absolutely correct. That's when things really start to kick in for sure. Yep. So how was it at first?

You said that because you have the background that you have, you knew that something just wasn't quite right. So when you finally did get that autism diagnosis, how did you handle that? and how did you and your husband put together a plan that you could develop to get you where you are today? Tony, such a great question. Oh, it was like hard for me not to get emotional as you were even just asking that. And this is part of the reason why I do the work that I do as a coach to help parents kind of especially during that time

where you're trying to navigate the diagnosis and then after the fact kind of metabolizing it and coming up the plan. It's a really emotional time. It is. So there was for sure, and this isn't something, I'm going to go there, because this isn't something that is openly spoken about as often as it should be. It is totally normal for parents to experience a sense of grief. Right. Grief of the way that they thought their easy, peasy, straightforward, neurotypical child's life was going to look, right? The one that when the, you know, mother was pregnant and they had this whole kind of life envisioned, right, where you could go anywhere and do anything and it would just kind of be natural and easy. You know, you have to give yourself space to grieve. Exactly.

That things are going to look different. And we in this part of the world don't do grief very well. We don't acknowledge grief. We don't acknowledge grief when someone dies, right? We give someone like, a month or two to kind of just like lick their wounds, if that, and then we expect that life go back to normal. So I think I kind of moved through that part. I think because I had a hunch deep down for several years before he officially got the autism diagnosis, I think that I had started that process, you know, several years in advance that by the time we finally got the diagnosis for me, it kind of actually felt like validation. Right.

Whereas I think for my husband, it was more about breathing and accepting. Right. And so that added a whole other layer. Sure. Because we were in different spots of our processing. I was going into action mode again because I think I had already gone through the grief and, you know, coming up with, okay, what are we going to do at school? what are we going to do about social skills groups?

And how can we just help them to feel, you know, happy and as adjusted as he can possibly feel and successful as he can feel? And so that's kind of the mode that I went into. And then my husband joined me, I would say not that far behind. Well, that's really good to hear because, as you know, there's a high divorce rate among parents that have autistic children. Yeah, yep. And of course, one of the biggest issues is the parents just aren't on the same page on how to raise their child.

Yeah. The mother is usually trying to address it on a daily basis and figure things out. The father, not all of them, just don't get it. And they have a tough time rationalizing and putting everything together because sometimes they just don't realize that their child isn't being bad. They're just having a lot of difficulties. Yeah. Then you add that all together and it really makes things overwhelming for a lot of parents. You obviously know a thing or two about this.

Yes. I mean, you've spoken to enough people now. Yeah, 100%. And, you know, first and foremost, you obviously have to consider what the marriage looked like before this information came to be, right? Right. If you didn't have the kind of foundation to begin with where you can openly communicate and express needs, including when you're displeased with the other or when you have a need, right?

Right. For more help or more collaboration or more partnership, whatever it is, then it's going to be harder. Sure. Right. And part of this, I think, is also there's a lot of gender stereotypes. you know, that are like alive and well, right? Like women are kind of typically raised and reared to kind of be the ones to, even though modern day we've come a long way, you know,

to kind of be like at the forefront of being the children's like caretaker and making all the appointments and signing them up for the after school stuff, right? And fathers were typically raised by fathers who, you know, we're taught that being a good dad is providing discipline and structure. And it's like, if you're not listening to me, then you're being oppositional. And so we need to punish. Right. And it's just, it's a learning process.

It really is. It is. Yeah. Now, you say that you do a lot of therapy and communication with other parents. Have you got a foundation you set up or what do you have as a business that helps others? Yeah, yeah. So I have a psychotherapy practice where I see, you know, know, therapy clients. But then I also, this work, specifically, the work that I do tends to be a

high focus with the mothers for the very reasons I was just saying because they don't typically ask for what they need. Right. So it also doesn't give the fathers or their partners the opportunity to rise to the occasion. If you're not communicating and asking for what you need, how can your partner, you know, help? So part of this is building confidence. So to answer your question, my coaching business is Jana Fuke's coaching and working with mothers who are busy and or overwhelmed when raising a child with autism and or ADHD. Okay. How do they get in contact with you? Yeah. So they can just go right to www.janafukscoaching.com and Jana is J-A-A-A-F-A-F-E-N-A. Fuchs as in Frank, U-C-H-S as in Sam. Okay. With everything that you've done with what you've done with what

you've done personally. Can you say that you've worked with someone that maybe when they first came in, you looked at it and you said, this will never work. This is a disaster. Then all of a sudden, it became a success story. Yeah. I mean, one person, it's just, this is top of mind because I'm, I'm working with her right now. And I was just speaking with someone else about, about her success. So her son is level three, autism, right? So kind of more, you know, kind of prominent symptoms and or features. Her concern was especially now as he's going into his teen years, that there was this sense of kind of panic that she hasn't done enough

to set him up for success with becoming as independent as he is possibly able to be come. So things like, you know, maybe you and I take for granted, like being able to brush our teeth, right? Unassisted. For her, you know, he's almost 13 years old. And for her kind of like counting, she's always had to stand there and count the number of seconds so that he knew to keep brushing the whole time. And she had been meaning now for like two or three years to just try to get him to brush his teeth on on his own, but just felt stuck with like how to do it. And, And when there's the time crunch of having to get the kids to school by a certain time. And she just kind of got herself in this habit of it's just easier if I just stand there and do it.

That's how he's used to doing it, right? But it's not helping towards that long-term goal. And it's not building confidence in him that he can do it on his own. So we decided how about getting a timer and we kind of scaffold so that he knows you're right there, right? You can stand right next to him or you can stand even just behind him. and he has the timer with the same number of seconds. And he can, right? He can watch it.

He can hear when it goes off. And don't you know, that has been going so swimmingly well. And the confidence, right? And so now the next thing is getting him to sit at the table to eat a meal with the family instead of right on his own in a separate room or she also has to sometimes kind of just sit with him one on one or even like help him to feed himself. So that's kind of the next thing in work and we're scaffolding, kind of building that. Right. But I want to be clear who I am not is I am not a parent child coach.

So these are ideas that really kind of came from her where we brainstormed together how she wants to hold herself accountable in the goals that she has for herself as a mother. That's really the work that I do. Okay. There's one thing that you just brought up. I think you are the perfect person for this. Most people, even a lot of people that I talk with now, they don't get into the levels. They just simply say low functioning or high functioning because that's what they use.

Now, can you explain to everybody that's listening the levels and what they mean? Yeah, the levels really just speak to the level of support. Okay. Right? That a person might need. You know, my son, for example, he needs a little bit of support. Of course, it's all relative. What does a little bit of support mean, right?

Well, my son, like to use the example I just gave, my son can brush his teeth, right? He zoned out a lot, but he absolutely can do it. He can take a shower. He needs like a couple prompts, a couple little reminders, but mostly, you know, there are even some nights he just does it on his own. And it just, you know, he might take an X for 10 minutes longer than we do, but okay, right? And so that's like he's level one. But then as you work towards level two, level three, right? it just means that it requires a higher level of support.

If we take level three, for example, you might have a child who isn't verbal or able to communicate well. You know, sometimes they can communicate with a device and that's super helpful. But the levels really just speak to the level of support. Yeah, because I noticed the one common thread is that very few people use the levels.

Yeah, right. And this is just another example. to your point, like things change all the time, right? Like if, and so this current day kind of verbiage that we use, it's just a way that it feels more respectful than saying higher functioning, lower functioning. And a lot of people have the misconception like alongside of that, that just because someone is nonverbal must mean that they're not intelligent.

And that's just not true. This is why also people who are nonverbal to get frustrated even more because they have a rich emotional life. They have things they need to say and get out. But imagine how you would feel if you were misunderstood or if you couldn't get it out. Absolutely. And that's why it's called the spectrum.

Right. I've had the beauty over the last year of meeting so many different people at so many different levels. And they're all succeeding in their own ways. I've got one that is a great artist. I've got others that just do great things. Yep.

So it just shows that if you get someone out there, you find out what they need, what they don't need, people that can help them, and then just keep working that way. And what that allows is it allows the person to get out there, build their business or build what they want to do, and show that they can really function in society and do exactly what they want to do in life. 100%.

100%. And you think about all of the talents, right? Like the ways that people can compensate to express themselves in ways. in ways that, you know, as a, like, as a neurotypical, I mean, I'm actually neurodivergent, but I would say somewhere in between the two. I have ADHD, right? But the ways that people come up with to compensate and express themselves are unbelievable. I mean, the things that my son can do, I could never do in a thousand years, right?

I mean, he can, like, thanks to his autism and also, like, his ability to, like, hyper-focused, he can sit and do a Lego set. Okay. That's over 10,000 pieces. He's 11. This is for ages 18 and up. Unassisted. Wow.

He just worked on it for like three months. It's like seven feet long on our on our counter down here in the basement. I mean, I just, I would never have the patience for that. Right. A lot of the people that I speak with, they say that their autistic child is very focused, very literal, very, very responsible in what they do. And because of that, it led to another conversation with another person that he says, you can walk into any pharmaceutical lab, throw a pebble and hit someone, and they're probably autistic.

I believe it. I believe it, you know. And when you think about the jobs that are held by a large number of autistic people, right? It's physicians, countants, researchers, right? Like some of the best brains on the planet. Yeah. musicians, comedians, actors, yes. So you're standing in front of 100 people right now. Some are aware of what autism is. Some are not aware of what autism is. What would you be telling them?

Oh, such a good question. It is a neuro processing difference. It is a brain difference. And sometimes it is obvious to the eye, right, to anyone kind of looking if you know what kind of like typical symptoms to look for. And sometimes you will have no idea. So don't make assumptions. It can present that someone isn't necessarily interested in what you have to say,

but they're only interested in talking about their own interests. Right. But you might be just talking to someone who's autistic. It's not that they don't care about you. It's just that they tend to kind of focus on the things that interest them. Right. Yeah, and then just, you know, they can be more sensitive to sensory experiences. Right.

I would say that that kind of like sums it up. Right, right. Well, is there anything that we've missed that you would kind of like to tell people that might help them? Yeah. I will say when I hear myself talking about this, as we were trying to navigate the diagnosis of autism and we had all these question marks. It was an anxiety provoking time because, you know, we had to wait six months to get into the testing psychologist and then you have to wait like another six weeks to get the results back. You're just waiting and waiting and not knowing what the answer is going to look like

and not knowing then how to set up supports until you have the answers. And so that was a really anxiety provoking time. And what I want to tell people who are in that situation is this is not like you're forever, this level of what are we going to do, the not knowing, right? Once you have the information, then you can begin to kind of get back to some sense of living again in whatever way that looks like for your family. And, you know, normalcy kind of like will kick in again. Your child or the person who you love, who is maybe autistic, nothing about them has changed. just because they get this label. Like they're still the same person, right?

And you still care about them and you still love, like, none of that has changed. The only thing that's changed is the information. And now what you can do is use that information to guide you to best support that person and even more importantly so that person can advocate for themselves. Right. That's great. Yeah, that's, that's well said information. Yeah, thank you.

I really appreciate you coming on. I think this has been a great conversation. Oh, my pleasure. You're such a great host. You ask such great questions. Appreciate that. And the last thing that I'll say is, you know, the power of like-minded community can make or break how you feel in this entire experience as you're navigating, you know, in the beginning, like some of the unknowns, which is why I do the work that I do as a coach. I really kind of focus on my group coaching because bringing moms together who are maybe at different points in their journeys, but who really kind of understand like you're someone who gets it. Will I try? The power of a supportive community is everything. So again, if people are looking for that or feeling like alone in their journey, feel free to reach out. Again, it's www.

Janifuixcoaching.com and it's a free discovery call to see if it would be a good fit. That's awesome. Again, I really appreciate you coming on. It's been a great conversation. Thanks again. From my heart to yours, you're amazing. And it's been such a pleasure to talk to you. I think it's so cool. Your whole story is so cool. Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to listen to our show today. We hope that you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you. If you know anyone

that would like to tell us their story, send them to tonymentor.com, contact, then they can give us their information so one day they may be a guest on our show. One more thing we ask, tell everyone, everywhere, about why not me, the world,

the conversations we're having and the inspiration our guests give to everyone, everywhere, that you are not alone in this world.