Tony Mantor: Why Not Me ? - Selena Lanelle: A Mother's Tale of Resilience and Empowerment in Raising Three Children with Autism

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

Send us a text Imagine facing the challenges of parenting not one, but three young children with autism, each with their own unique set of needs and behaviors. Selena Lanelle, a brave mother and author, joins me to share her deeply moving story that stretches from the heartache of early autism signs in her twins to the complexities of navigating a world that often misunderstands non-verbal communication. With raw honesty, Selena recounts her family's journey through domestic violence, the reflection on autistic traits within her own marriage, and the eventual empowerment they found on the other side of adversity. In our conversation, Selena doesn't just recount her trials; she also offers hope and guidance through her books, "Autism Avengers" and "Unveiling Shadows." These works provide a beacon of light for parents in similar situations, reinforcing the message that they are not alone. We also address the delicate task of balancing a social life amidst the unpredictability of public outings and delve into strategies for fostering independence. Selena's story is more than just an account of her life—it's a testament to resilience, a source of support, and an invitation to join a community that understands the unique triumphs and challenges of raising children on the autism spectrum. https://tonymantor.com https://Facebook.com/tonymantor https://instagram.com/tonymantor https://twitter.com/tonymantor https://youtube.com/tonymantormusic intro/outro music bed written by T. Wild Why Not Me the World music published by Mantor Music (BMI) The content on Why Not Me: Embracing Autism amd Mental Health Worldwide, including discussions on mental health, autism, and related topics, is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not reflect those of the podcast, its hosts, or affiliates.Why Not Me is not a medical or mental health professional and does not endorse or verify the accuracy, efficacy, safety of any treatments, programs, or advice discussed.Listeners should consult qualified healthcare professionals, such as licensed therapists, psychologists, or physicians, before making decisions about mental health or autism- related care.Reliance on this podcast's contents is at the listener's own risk. Why Not Me is not liable for any outcomes, financial or otherwise, resulting from actions taken based on the information provided. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Welcome to Why Not Me The World Podcast, hosted by Tony Mantor. Broadcasting from Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. Join us as our guests tell us their stories. Some will make your laugh, some will make you cry. Real life people who will inspire and show that you are not alone in this world. hopefully you gain more awareness, acceptance, and a better understanding for autism around the world. Hi, I'm Tony Mayator. Welcome to Why Not Me the World.

Joining us today is a mother of four, three, which are artistic. Selena Linnell has such a great story to tell us. Thanks for coming on. I'm excited about the opportunity. I pretty much want to express my whole, my life actually revolves around autism. Okay, so I understand you have three children that are autistic, one that's neurotypical. What's the ages of the autistic children that you have? Five-year-old Giovanni and Sebastian, their twins, identical twins, and then Benjamin, who is three.

Okay, so you have a daughter that's not autistic, and then you have twins that you find are. What led you to believe that they might be autistic? Well, before I had the kids, I had dated and married their father after three years. We got married. And some of my friends had pointed out saying, I think your husband has autism. Okay. And I was unfamiliar with autism. Okay.

They actually pulled up on the computer and said, look, and I started reading about it. And I said, oh, my goodness, he is autistic. Okay. So it made sense what a lot of things that he would do. He was very brilliant and just into music. He was a music producer. He was going to school for his master's for music. Okay.

Would always have headphones on, very sensitive to light. We had blackout curtains and noises. Would irritate him sometimes. Okay. It was a lot of things. So I started getting more educated and learning about him by just witnessing him. So in the midst of it, I ended up working for an agency that provided services for kids with autism. Oh, okay.

Nice. But by accident, actually, I thought I was going for an administrative assistant job. And I ended up, I ended up in the insurance authorization department trying to get authorizations for services for the kids. Okay. And that started off because I didn't know what I was doing. The doctor who was the owner, he wanted to fire me. And my boss took a chance and she stepped me down and she actually trained me and taught me more

about the process and how to go from getting a diagnosis. and how to get them of their assessment so we can provide treatment for their services. So I learned all the steps by working in this department. Oh, okay. In the midst of it, they promoted me to the school department because they wanted to open up a school section where they can provide services in the schools. Okay. So I started hiring and training people to place them into the schools to assist students with

ADA services. Okay. Where the midst of it, I learned. Yeah. Then I had the twins. Okay. I was actually working the day I delivered them. Wow.

In heels, in high heels. I told my boss, I said, some just doesn't feel right today. I'm going to go to the doctor. Wow. And I went to the doctor and my blood pressure is over 300. That's scary. So what happened from there?

I called my husband. He drove me to the hospital. They immediately, an hour later, they're getting the twins out. And I was scared because this was actually two months early and I wasn't ready for them. I can understand that. I wasn't prepared at all. I mean, well, he was. Okay. He was more, but my emotions weren't. Right. I had already named the twins. I knew they were both boys. I named each one in my stomach already. And so when I saw each one coming out, twin baby A, I knew Giovanni, he cried. Twin Baby B, Sebastian came out. He didn't cry. I pass out. Wow.

The doctor comes to me and tells me all these things that transpired after I passed out. Okay. Apparently my twins had this rare syndrome where it's called twin and twin transfusion syndrome. Okay. Where they were in the same sack and Giovanni was draining the blood from Sebastian. He was born. He wasn't breathing. He wasn't responsive or anything. So they had to revise him and then give him a blood transfusion because he had lost a lot of blood from Giovanni. Wow. That's very scary. The funny, ironic part about it was Sebastian still somehow weighed more than Giovanni. He was throwing green blood. Wow, that's crazy. So I asked the doctor after he told me the kids are all right and I said, oh, okay, so they're identical.

So that could have been a traumatic incident that maybe could have triggered autism. I don't know. So how old are they now? They are five now. So what led you to get them diagnosed for autism? After I went through a whole traumatic experience of domestic violence with their father that resulted in his imprisonment, I had got them tested for autism because I noticed that they had different behaviors that were not keeping up with their milestones.

Like I mentioned before, I have an older daughter. Right. So when I noticed they weren't doing the same things and we're doing weird behaviors, I knew after all this went down that I needed to get them diagnosed and tested. So would you find out once the test came back? I was right there, severe level three, autistic. And oh, through the midst of this all, I'm going through them who witnessed, you know, the gruesome thing I went through from the body. Wow. And so that kind of traumatized them.

and when you traumatize kids with autism, it's a different thing because they get set on certain behaviors. So they witnessed violent behaviors from their father and they started to act the same way towards other kids. So what happened from there? I was unable to put them in a center with other kids and everyone told me that it was best that I did home therapy with them. Sure. They were going through attacking other people.

Okay. If you were just in the area or if you had your cell phone or something laying there, they would throw it at you or grab your hair. It was just really bad, yeah. Sounds like you went through a very difficult time. How are they doing now? Oh, they're now. They're good because I have full custody of my kids and 10-year no contact for their father.

So I take care of them by myself and I try to keep atmosphere and environments calm and positive for them. and they are happy little things and joyful. Now you've got another child, and I think you said it's a boy, and I think you said that he's three. Is that correct? Yes. What led you to think that he might be autistic to where you had to get him diagnosed?

Well, I started noticing different behaviors than what the twins were experienced, and I was currently at the time getting therapy in home for the twins. Okay. Even the therapist starts to mention that they noticed that I should get him tested because of what he would do. Now, on his way, he's brilliant. At one and a half, he realized one of his toys consisted of this magnet inside that controlled the base of the lamp that was metal and would turn off and on. So he disconnected that magnet from out of his toy and crawled over and was going on an awesome lamp.

And I said, how did you know what to do? At one and a half. Two, he painted Rising Phoenix. Wow. And everyone thought that I did that. And he's constantly, his mind is like he's creating things constantly. I have to put multiple things in front of them and say, okay, invent something with this and a CETRA. That's just really good.

So tell me about your five-year-olds now. You've worked with them, counseled them, taught them. How are they working out with their meltdowns? Are they still having that issue? Giovanni, because their father had actually suffocated him. Oh, wow. He had issues with people getting too close to him. Okay.

So he doesn't like to, like, really eat in front of people. Okay. So he'll go into another room and eat his food and then come back, you know. I have to calm him down because he's a tornado. Okay. When he gets upset. He doesn't like people yelling or getting mad. upset. So as soon as someone raised their voice or gets mad or something, he flips out like a

tornado and starts attacking everybody. Oh, wow. Yeah. How do the three get along? Do they do well together considering their differences? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Their boys, they wrestle with each other. Okay. I now notice they get more eye contact. They're happier. Good. I left them, I left them explore what they're good at. Right. You know, like I noticed my daughter had brought them a guitar a couple weeks ago. And without even me showing the how to kids play the guitar, Sebastian grabs it. He's looking at the, at the, um, at the guitar and just playing with the strings, listening at each sound, playing at each different string, listen to the sounds and looking at it. And then he starts trying to play it as if he knew how to play it already. And I said, wow,

okay. Wow, that's great. Giovanni, even last week, I took him as a friend of mine, had a cool party. Okay. You know, I take my kids everywhere. I don't matter. It doesn't matter. Just because they have autism, just because I'm a single mom with three kids. I don't care. I still travel with them everywhere with them. Sure. Sure. And so I took him to a pool party last week and brought them all in the pool. And Sebastian, he kinds of sits on the side and enjoys us watching people and just smiles and laughs. But Giovanni, he just jumps right in the pool and just started swimming. Wow, that's great. And I never showed him. He just was watching the other kids and was like, oh, okay, I got this. And then he just started taking off.

Wow. And I was amazed like, wow, I'd never show him. Okay. Now, how old is your daughter? She's 23. 23. Almost, well, almost 23 in a couple months, yeah. Okay, she's 23.

So is there a good connection between her and her brothers? Try to because of the distance. It's hard. Like she comes to visit California in the summers. Okay. So, but they, we do community like video chat and things like that. So it's funny because my daughter's is from my first husband. She's actually, her father is Mexican.

My kids, the boys, their father is white, but somehow they all look alike. Oh, okay. All right. So what about foods and textures and that type of thing? Do they have any issues with that? Oh, wow. Okay. Sebastian, he doesn't eat anything except specifically Gerber multi-grained oatmeal.

Okay. He will not move from anything from that. I recently got him to try like yogurt that doesn't have anything like, you know, just smooth yogurt. Right. And he loves vanilla ice cream from McDonald's. But that's the only thing I can get them to eat. Right. Okay.

And so luckily the multi-grain has all the nutrients of needs. So he's perfectly healthy. The doctors have said so. Well, that's good. That's good. Now, what about the other two? Do they have any texture issues or food issues? So the other ones are different to Giovanni.

He eats some things. However, he likes chicken. If it's cold chicken, if it's cut into cubes, if it's cut in the cubes, he will not eat it because it's a different shape. Okay. If it's pasta, it has to be spaghetti noodles, long noodles. If there are little tiny macaroni noodles, he won't eat it. Okay.

It's just he has a visual kind of thing. If it looks different to him, he won't eat it. Sure. And then Benjamin, he eats anything. Well, that's good. That's good. Yeah. All right, so you still homeschool him?

Yes, yes. Do you foresee a situation in the future where you might put them into school where they can interact with others, or do you think that probably won't happen? I'm looking more into homeschooling, but I do want to get them on programs. Because I'm noticing their skills vary. I notice they all love, like, sports. Like, they love running and things like that. So I wanted to put them into extracurriculars,

like maybe have them learn gymnastics or something or, you know, things like that. Right. And as well as, you know, like I said, I'm in the homeschool them, too. But I always, all the time I pick them to various parks, let them meet different kids, interact, you know, socially. and that has really been helping. That's really good to hear. Now, they've had meltdowns in the past

and you've corrected them and helped them. Do they have any problems interacting with the kids at the playgrounds of the parks? No, actually, they're happy. They love being out in nature. They run around. The worst thing I have to say is actually I have more problems with the parents.

Unfortunately, it's like some parents, I guess they're not as educated in autism. Okay. And so that's kind of weird. So like, for instance, this one particular instance, this little girl comes up to Sebastian showing her, her bubbles. And she's blowing him like like this. And she's trying to show him how to blow. And I go, honey, he doesn't want to blow and stuff.

And then I go over to the mom. And I was like, yeah, my son, he has autism. He doesn't know how to blow yet. And as soon as I said that, it was like, she grabs her daughter. She's like, okay, honey, we're going to go. And I was like, wow. Wow. that's pretty sad because that's the biggest thing that I see is people that have never been around anyone that's autistic.

They don't know how to act. They don't know how to react. They don't know what to say because they don't understand what autism is. Yeah, exactly. And the fear in their eyes is just overwhelming sometimes. Well, that's real sad because I've been talking with so many different people that are autistic. And you've got such a wide variety of people. And the old saying is you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

Yeah, exactly. Like I have three different personalities with my kids. You know, one is the highest functioning. And he's sort of the three-year-old, he sort of bullies the twins because he comprehends things a little bit more than the twins do. Okay. When I repeat stuff, he gets mad that the twins don't respond to me the first time and he'll go and he'll push them. Okay. And so he tends to bully because his brain is always knowing he's looting, you know?

Right. So what's your approach when he starts getting aggressive, a little bit more aggressive, that you want to tone that down? What's your approach and get him to settle down so that he doesn't bully anymore? Sometimes I'll yell at him, but sometimes I have to see, I'll tell him, oh, honey, I got this, okay? I don't need your help. Okay. You know, because he's actually responding because I'm repeating my mind. and he doesn't like me to repeat myself to them.

And I have to tell them, I have to remind him. I said, honey, your brothers, you know, I have to repeat myself sometimes, honey. I got this, okay? Right. He's like a little man. He tries to do everything independently. And he's the five-year-old, right? No, the three-year-old.

He's the three-year-old. Oh, he's the three-year-old. Okay, sorry. Yeah. All right. All right. So the three-year-old is the one that can tend to get a little bit more on the, on the aggressive side? Yes, yes.

How about the five-year-olds? Are they pretty passive? or how do they act? Well, Sebastian's pretty passive. He's like a teddy bear. Okay. He's just laughing. He'll laugh for hours and he's so cute.

And so he's sort of passive when he starts to do stuff. Right. Giovanni, he's the oldest. I mean, oldest by a minute. Okay. But he still has that power trip about it. So when Benjamin tries to do that, he'll immediately attack back. Okay.

Because remember, Giovanni was the one now suffocated and he doesn't like people attacking at him. Right, right. Yeah, so now they're attacking each other and I have to calm them both down. And Giovanni have to calm him more down because when he gets, like I said, when he gets excited and upset, he's a tornado. He hits everybody that's in a room. It's like, so what I do with him is I just put his hands next and sides of him and I said, calm down, honey. It's okay. It will be okay, just, you know.

With Benjamin, I redirect by making him happy and tickling her or something. Well, the main thing is that whatever you're doing, it works. So many parents that have autistic children, they have the struggles within their family of creating a good environment. How is your social life because that can affect your friends and family and all that? So having three autistic children, how has that affected you or has it affected you? Not at all. Everyone knows if you invite me somewhere, they're coming along with me. Okay.

All right. And that hasn't stopped my social life hasn't stopped my business because I also run Hollywood events as well. Okay. My friend had a film premiere. They know I'm bringing the kids. Okay. You know, I'll have dinner with them on the rooftop in Beverly Hills with the kids. Okay.

I just, what I did was to make it easier for me, I bought a wagon. Okay. And I would carry them around the wagon. And I remember I was on a rooftop of Beverly Hills restaurant one time. going through the tables with the wagon and a girl stopped me from what looked like Rihanna and she said, oh my God, girl, that is so smart.

And so that's why I would tell people when I go to a restaurant, table for four, three high chairs please, you know, and the wagon folds up under the table. Everyone's nice and comfortable. Has it affected where you can take them or where you can go at all? Not at all.

That's good. That's good. Not at all. I let people know. I'm coming in the door. I just need a table for sure. Three high chairs today. Everyone doesn't freak out.

Sometimes people freak out. They see me coming three kids in a wagon like, oh my God, these kids are going to be bad. No. My kids are calm, well-behaved. Right. If anything, I get stopped very often saying how well-behaved my kids are, and they're amazed.

Oh, that's great. Mm-hmm. So even though each one's had their different little issues, when they go out in public, they don't seem to have that. No, they love traveling. I mean, when we had the twins, we've been on the airplanes with them. I mean, they love just looking around and listening to music and things like that.

Right. So what are your plans for them in the future? Do you see any issues that they're going to have to deal with? Or are there any concerns you might have for them moving forward? They're all still nonverbal. Oh, okay. We tried to do a sign language thing. They really refused to do it.

Okay. I mean, it was more of like they knew what they were learning, but they just didn't want to do it. And they would just be like, I would tell you, Ronnie, just do them more already so she can stop saying it, you know? And then they'll go to sign language for more. You know, it's like they know what to do. They just refuse to do it. So I've been told that some that are nonverbal use pictures to communicate.

Is that something that you use? Does that help you? Or how do you handle that? Actually, there's no problem. Like, if I say something, they don't know exactly what I'm saying. It's just they're not able to communicate it back. Oh, okay. So I'll say, go get that toy over there or go get,

that and they'll do it. Right. They can pretty much stay the twins, because Benjamin, you can dress himself now and everything. Okay. The twins have been now moving up and putting on their shirts and their pants by themselves and things like that. So it's moving along. They're starting to babble to, I gave them phonics training in the mornings.

I put them like through hour of practicing sounds. Sure. These videos I found were music, it sounds, and Giovanni said he's a music person, so anything with music he's tuned into. Do you see them becoming verbal in the future? What's your thoughts about that? I think so because they've moved along. They've come a long way because before they weren't even say anything. And they always retreats.

You ask them to do things and they didn't give eye contact and things like that. And now they get eye contact, they smile, they laugh, they repeat. They're starting to repeat sounds after me. Benjamin does sounds and Lublin's after me. He's going to be an actor. Okay. All right. Well, that's good.

So now, what about you? Do you still work within the autistic community or have you gotten away from that? I moved away. Well, when I resigned from the position because of what was going on, I had to resign. I was actually afraid that their father was going to come to my job and do something. But I ended up using their services for my kids in home. Okay. I was actually able to witness it on the other side as a parent.

So when you first started working in your job and you was helping parents that had autistic children, did you ever think in your mind that you would flip it around and you'd be going back to the same place with autistic children yourself? No, I didn't. No, I did not. I get that a lot from a lot of people that had worked in a charity that they just never saw that coming. So when you got the diagnosis that your kids were autistic, what went through your mind? So like I said, I had found out after what happened. So at that point, I had resigned already. So when I found out, they were actually autistic, even though I had suspected that.

I moved forward with the services. Now, part of it was I had to as well because when I had had their father arrested for trying to kill me in front of the kids, they tried to take the kids away from me saying did I fail to protect them from their father. Wow. So they turned it around on me. And so I had to show them, you know, as well as getting my life together with everything. And they didn't really care where my income was coming and anything. At this point, they said, well, if you can't handle the kids, we could take them.

So I already knew what to do. I got them diagnosed for the autism. I got them services. I got a place. A friend of mine helped to get a townhouse. Okay. So I was able to have the therapist. They each had our own therapist coming to the house.

It was luckily big enough for all these people in the house every day. Good, good. And so they were able to get the care. And for a year and a half, they had therapy. Okay. So it actually helped and work out. Do they still have therapy, or is this something now that you're providing? I'm providing because we had reached to a point where I noticed we were plateauing.

Okay. I noticed the kids were starting to not really respond to the therapist, and they were getting, I think, frustrated from having too many people in the house all the time. Okay. And so they were getting to a point where they would lead their piss politely to the door and trying to tell them, go, you know? All right. So what kind of advice would you give to a new set of parents that are just finding out that they have autistic children for the very first time? What would you tell them?

For one, you got to make sure they have a definite diagnosis and then look around for agencies that provide services to help them through the treatment. Because what they do is if you find an agency, they'll do what you call is a functional behavior assessment. And they'll see, you know, what the behaviors are in certain areas for the kid. And that way they can draft up a treatment plan for them and provide them with certain amount of hours of services. So now that's for the in-home therapy. Also, there's some centers that have services they provide it in the center for people who don't want to do it at home. And then also for the schools too as well. So that's another thing too.

But you got to make sure you go through the steps. Diagnosis, assessment, and then you'll start services. That's great information. I also think I remember you telling me that you wrote a couple of books. Tell me a little bit about that. Yeah. Yeah, it's called Autism Avengers, a super parent kick-ass guide to bossing domestic chaos in the autism superhero squad.

What it is, it's like an ultimate. guide for raising autistic kids who witnessed domestic violence or suffered child abuse. And it's like a good parenting guide. That's awesome. Now, where can they find it? You can find an Amazon, on Amazon, yes, as well as my other book I wrote, I wrote as far as the diary of the details of the account of what happened and what my kids experienced and witnessed that I went through. So I wrote a diary and published that as well. It's called them Belling Shadows, a Journey from Darkness to Empowerment.

And the books are under Selena Linnell Lawrence, just to mention on Amazon. That's great. Now, how do people find you if they want to reach out to you? You can find me under, let's see, you can find me on Facebook under Selena Linnell. You can send me a message, messenger, or on Instagram at selina.

dot Linnell and that's spelled s e L-L-E-N-A-N-A-L-L-E-L-E. The books that I have are Selena Linnell Lawrence. That's what it's under. And also, thanks you, you can view me and the kids on YouTube as well. I created a YouTube channel called City Mom Chronicles, and that way you can see what our life of our travels that we've been going through after their father was incarcerated. I picked in a lot of traveling places, so I filmed it.

Well, this was a great conversation. I truly enjoyed talking to you. And once again, thanks for coming on. Okay. Thank you so much. It was great talking to you. It was my pleasure. Thanks again.

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to listen to our show today. We hope that you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you. If you know anyone that would like to tell us their story, send them to tonymentor.com, contact, then they can give us their information so one day they may be a guest on our show. One more thing we ask, tell everyone, everywhere about why not me, the world, the conversations we're having and the inspiration our guests give to everyone, everywhere. that you are not alone in this world.