Too Scary; Didn't Watch - DEATH BECOMES HER

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. I really don't enjoy cooking. I so rarely do it, in fact, that I put it in my wedding vows to Joel that I would cook dinner one time a year. So you can imagine that on the occasions that I find myself having to prepare dinner, it's a whole ordeal. But that is why I'm so thrilled to have discovered Factor. Factor has chef made gourmet meals that make eating well easy. They are dietitian approved and ready to heat and eat in two minutes so you can fuel

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be beat. So eat smart with Factor. Get started at factormeals.com slash factor podcast and use code factor podcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's factor podcast at factor meals dot com slash factor podcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy and you're listening to Too Scary Didn't Watch. Hi everyone, welcome to Too Scary Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Sammie and I love watching scary movies and so I watch them so that you don't have to. And we have a freaking Henley episode today.

Buckle up, buckle up. It's a fun one. I am so excited. And if you dear listener are so excited that you wanna just get right to it, there are timestamps in the show notes because first I wanna ask you guys, did anything scary happen to you this week?

I started a new job. I just told you all about it. Yay! Off pod, sorry. But I started a new job, which is like really exciting and scary. Yeah. Diving into the unknown.

So far so good. I'm excited about it. But I do, I like, I've started enough jobs in my life that I can know that I will hit a point sooner than later where everything makes sense. But I really hate the part where you're like, I don't know how this goes. Yeah, I'm not, I don't know what I'm doing yet.

Just like looking at spreadsheets and being fed documents, I mean like, hmm, yes, this will make sense someday, but it doesn't yet. Onboarding. That is exactly what someone needed to tell me like right before I started my first job. Same. Because I remember starting my first job,

I mean, I had had internships and stuff before, but like starting my first job at Random House and I remember walking internships and stuff before, me, like it's like cogs in a machine and you're like, well, I don't know, I've never looked at this machine. And so it's not just like, it's, you know, I don't know how the business works. I don't know our like protocols. I don't know our little tiny,

like how we even communicate things. It was just like, it's everything. But I similarly, yes, I've been there before and been like, and then I know I can remember that eventually I knew how to do my job and I could be like good at my job. I felt the same way when I moved into my college dorm my freshman year where I was like we'll all be lost in this building The whole time I live here like there's simply no way I could ever figure out the layout of this building So I know that I will get it eventually and they're being you know

They also know that I am new but it's that part is is tricky but exciting and and You know It's that part is tricky, but exciting and, you know, freaking stay tuned. How are the lunch times? That's always what I'm most nervous for, starting a new job. I'm like, do we all sit together?

Do it, does everybody leave? I haven't figured this out yet. So this is a really good question because I- Because this is what I get the most- Yeah, this is, and what time do we do it? Yeah, this is big. So I was only there in person one day. I started on Wednesday and they took me to lunch.

So that I just went when they told me easy, easy. Then Thursday would have been the day for me to figure it out. But we worked from home on Thursday because it was so rainy and you know, what a great sign. That's a great sign. Such a good sign. So I worked from home and then on Friday we always work from home. Another great sign. So I don't, I don't know yet we always work from home, another great sign. So I don't know yet. I'll have to figure that out.

That one is scary. But some good indications on day one is that also in the morning, all of us were like, should we go get coffee? And we just walked down the street to a coffee shop, all got coffee, came back. And we worked from 10 to six and around 4.30, one of my coworkers was like, I'm gonna go get ice cream. Does anybody else want ice cream?

And she just walked down the street, got a cup of ice cream and came back with it. And I was like, okay, so this all feels really good. So feels really wonderful. I don't know what will happen when it is time for all of us to eat lunch. But it seems like you're in good hands. I think I'm in good hands. Yeah. A mid afternoon, I got to go get a cup of ice cream

one hour before we go home. Feels like everything else can't be bad, you know? Yeah. Oh yeah. That's really good. So we'll see. I remember freelancing at a trailer company once, which had like a hundred employees and I was only there short term.

And so it's also like, I'm not necessarily trying to... Right, I'm not here to make friends. Make sure I'm not here to make friends. But there was a big lunch table upstairs where it seemed like everybody that was available ate lunch together and it like, nothing stressed me out more. I'm like, well, I'm supposed to just go sit at this huge table with like 40 people, I don't know.

Really stressful. Yeah, I don't. Who do I sit next to 40 people, I don't know. Really stressful, yeah, I don't. Who do I sit next to? Yeah, I don't know. I don't like this at all. So I ended up just going out to lunch by myself every day. Yeah, I mean, there's always that option. I am not an office lunch person. I am like trying to be by myself for lunch.

Every single moment I can be by myself. I think it's nice to give yourself that little, that time. And this is also the first time in a while I've worked at a place, I think this is the first time fucking ever I've worked at a place where like, there are places I could walk to for lunch. Like I actually could do that, you know?

So I could go take myself away for lunch and like actually have a place I could eat lunch and come back. Yeah. So I might just have to start doing that until I figure out what the lunch situation is. Because I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to talk to somebody, make myself vulnerable.

So we're just going to keep you posted. Yeah, keep us posted. The dynamics of a lunch room are very interesting to me. Yeah, I just realized I'm putting the pieces together right now, but everywhere I've ever worked has had a cafeteria. Everywhere's always had a cafeteria. And so there's always been the dynamic of like, oh, who do you sit with in the cafeteria?

You know what I mean? I haven't had to do that since I was literally in, like I guess college, there's a cafeteria, college. Yep, college. High school, crazy. And like at my first job, I remember I would, you know, I had my William worked there, and then I had another good friend who worked there. So I would eat lunch with them sometimes. But then in the other places I worked, it was like, oh God, don't make me, don't make me do this. Don't make me do this.

Don't make me do this. Let me hide and eat lunch by myself. Yeah. How are you making a meal time unpleasant? Don't make me do this. How did you do it? Okay, well, Emily, I'm so excited for you. I think this is the right thing.

It's all good. Yeah. I'm so happy. It's the one bright spot in 2025. Oh no. Emily Strong. And did anything scary happen to you? We did it.

So many things. Okay, so one thing I didn't tell you. So all right, first of all, you guys all know we got norovirus last week. Everyone knows all about that. I was just telling Sammy and Emily about how Silas then on Friday, so two days ago, got hit with, it was like he was hit by a truck, truly. Out of the blue, we were at the library, he gets a fever, such a bad fever.

And he was so sick, so sick all Friday night, Saturday morning, made a full recovery by Saturday afternoon. I don't know what that was, but then obviously Tim got really sick on Saturday and is sick today too. But what I wanted to say is that because I was awake, the other thing I was doing on Friday night when Silas was in the throes of a feverish sleep that I was monitoring, because I was worried about him,

I was texting my dad. So. So. Was he also up at like 2.30 in the morning? Oh yeah. Yes. So this is, it's funny because I feel like people have like speculated about what my dad is like.

And so here I'm going to reveal some more information about him, which is not the best, but everyone just keep an open mind. That's what I'm trying to do. My dad is like an avid Trump supporter. He like fully, fully, fully, fully, fully believes in Trump. Like with his full heart, like he really thinks that Trump's going to save us. He's going to save us all. And what exactly? Well, he you would be surprised, he has a lot of theories. A long list.

He's got a long list. From the immigrants. Yeah, well, mostly from Putin and China. There's a lot of foreign policy talk happening through our text messages. Good, good, good. But I've discovered, the main thing I want to say is that I have struggled with talking to my dad

about this for years now, I mean, 10 years. And I had given up, then I had tried again, I'd given up, I tried again. Now I have a new strategy, which is actually working, not working in the sense that I think I'm changing his mind, working in the sense that it's not like immediately frustrating and conversation-ending, we text. We text each other.

And it's actually really useful because then I have a clear transcript of exactly what he has said that I can refer to and base my arguments around. And when we're talking, when we're in a verbal conversation, he is going all over the place. He is saying things. He is zigging, he is zagging, he is saying things I have,

he is saying words, he is saying names I have never heard of in my entire life. And he's also a complete night owl. Like he stays up all night and sleeps all day. Like his circadian rhythm is totally fucked. Again, I also just want to repeat that when we were in Connecticut last week, we had breakfast with your parents every day at a normal time,

breakfast time, and it seemed like breakfast, not dinner, or whatever it might have been, and had just the loveliest time, the loveliest conversations. He is- Not about Trump or foreign policy. No, he is such a delightful person in small doses and in the right context.

He is very friendly. How we all would love to be described. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. He's also, he has a really good sense of humor. He really makes me laugh. Like he's very, he's like a very funny person. And so is Trump. Exactly.

Did you guys see, I showed Emily, I think last night, what the White House tweeted for Valentine's Day, the official White House account. Wait, yes. Wait, roses are red, violets are blue. If you come here illegally, come here illegally and I'll deport you. Yes. Yeah. That was the official White House account

fucking tweeted like a Valentine's Day style card that said that. And look, obviously he's not funny because it's horrifying and destructive and really too bad to even think about. But that's also why sometimes you just got, I at least got to laugh. I just got to laugh sometimes.

It's the only way to fight the pain. Yeah, it's cause it's just like shocking. It's just like, look at what he's doing, which is the other point. It's like why we laugh when somebody falls cause it's just like, oh, I didn't expect, I thought you'd keep standing upright and then he fell. Whoa.

And it's almost involuntary. It's that same kind of thing. Yeah. Okay, but so we're texting so we're texting with your dad. Great. Yeah, I'm texting with my dad and I didn't make like so much headway, but I did get a lot more information from him.

And I feel like we're coming to some kind of an understanding. And I think the main thing for me is just knowing like what Trump could possibly do that would make my dad change his mind about him. And I still don't fully have a grasp on that. But we're getting closer to the answer, I think. And anyway, all this is to say like, I think that if you're someone who has someone in your family that you have a political disagreement with, you know. Texting is an option. It's an option.

It's an option. I really, I'm very impressed and very proud, Hen, because it really is not easy. And I know there have been times when you've just really wanted to throw in the towel. Yep. But it is nice to not lose a relationship and also to gain understanding. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's not, I just, yeah, I don't want to, I don't want to like not have a relationship

with him because of this, basically. Yeah. So I'm trying to figure out how to have a relationship with him while also knowing that he thinks that it would be probably great for Trump to just take over the entire world. I mean, he would never say that out loud, but maybe that's what he thinks. Would he text it? Oh, God, maybe. I don't know, you guys.

Anyway, that was my scary thing. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Big week for Henley. Yep. Yep. Big week for Henley. My week was pretty scare free. I did eat a shrimp that had his head on it. That was pretty gross and scary. A shrimp. I ate a shrimp. I was scared and I did it and it was actually the best shrimp I've ever had. So that was a little scary. Wait, did you eat the head? So you eat the head?

No, no. I don't like seeing when the head's attached. I don't like seeing exactly what it looks like when it's alive, but I gotta say it tasted really good. But something I am gonna do some more research on that just popped in my mind. Maybe I'll talk about this more next week, but you guys know how seven of the planets are aligning.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Wait, I don't know about that. So February 28th, seven planets will be in perfect alignment. And my mom was telling me about it. What does that mean? And saying that all the astrologers are freaking out. Whoa, what? Wait, tell me everything,

because that does sound like a big deal. Wait, I'm going to the observatory on the 28th, like fully coincidentally. Shut up. Well, because my friend works there. It's going to be packed. It's going to be fucking packed. It's going to be really packed. It might be.

Has this happened recently or does it happen? There's one thing that has never happened before. And again, I'll do some more research for next week. Because I actually didn't look anything up. Somebody listening has also done research. So just fill in the gaps for us here. But I just yeah, the way my mom described it was that there's one thing that has never happened before. And so everyone's like, we don't know what this means, like what this will do, but everyone is in agreement, I suppose that whatever is happening

with the planets and stars will be so intense that the way they described it was the person you are now, you will not be that person in August. In August? What? Yeah. Why in August? It's happening in two weeks.

Because of the way that I didn't know. It takes time? Yeah. Yeah, didn't know. It takes time. Yeah, yeah, it takes time. It takes time to become a whole new person. But what if you're like, what if you like, sort of like what you have going on right now? Yeah, what if you don't wanna change?

I'm always like, wait, I'm good, hold on. I don't know. I think that you can just politely decline. Well, and also change. That's how it works, right? You know, growth and change are relative. You know, you could be, I am not the person I was last year

or the year before that or the year before that. And yet I also am. But this is not something I knew to be alarmed about. I don't know that we need to be alarmed about it. No, you've sat at the alarms. But I just used to pay attention to celestial events and- Seems like a big one. Haven't really in a while and I'm just going to dive back in for this one.

And any astrologers, astronomers, or just people who know or are interested in this, let us know. Do we need to be? I'm trying to get some information just with a quick Google search. And I'm reading this article that says, there's going to be a massive, you've probably heard there's going to be a massive

energy shift that will help you realign with your soul's purpose. So you're realigning with your soul's purpose. Well, that sounds great. Then it says, these predictions are untrue according to the experts at NASA. Oh. So they can absolutely go fuck themselves, those experts.

I just watched Armageddon for the first time, which the whole point of that movie seems to be that NASA's a bunch of fucking nerds who don't know anything, and we instead need to listen to all the oil drillers. Yeah, oil drillers. I need like a real blue collar man's opinion on this in order to really know what's up.

That's funny. I was just thinking about Armageddon because Bruce Willis is in this film, you guys. And I want to talk about Bruce Willis. I really want to talk about him. I can't wait. Yeah. Wow. All right. Well, we'll talk about this again next time. We've got time. We've got time. We've got a little bit of time. Let's keep in touch about our souls realignment. Let's keep in touch. Our alignment to our greater purpose. Yes. And in the meantime, Henley, what movie are we talking about today?

Ooh, I'm so excited. I have a new favorite movie, you guys. See, this movie, I told you, reminds me of you and I didn't realize you hadn't seen it. I've never seen it. I have never seen this movie, you guys. See, this movie, I told you, reminds me of you, and I didn't realize you hadn't seen it. I've never seen it. I have never seen this movie before. We're doing Death Becomes Her, which is very similar to The Witches of Eastwick. I'm just going to come out and say The Witches of Eastwick, I might love it a little bit

more. That's really special to you. Yeah, that's okay. I've seen it about a gazillion times, but Death Becomes Her wolf. It is excellent. It is excellent. Have both of you guys seen it? I have never seen it.

I watched both back to back on a flight once. Nice. Wait, The Witches of Eastwick and Death Becomes Her? Yes. That's why I associate them both with you because, yeah, because I obviously, Witches of Eastwick, I associate with you and then it just kind of snuck in there as living in the same place. It latched on.

Same universe. But I had a fucking great time with both of them, both excellent top tier films. So it's PG-13. This is not a very scary, I mean, it's not a scary movie. It's a comedy, but it's also a dark comedy and it's surrealist and it has horror elements to it. A little gory. They're definitely some gore-ish.

Gore and... It's a little gore-ish. It's a little gore-ish. That's a word right. It's boarish and gore-ish. Boarish and gore-ish. And I want some more-ish. It came out in 1992 and was filmed in 1991.

So also, like, the visual of the film is so... That beautiful intersection of 80s and 90s. I mean, it's really living in both worlds. So just on that alone, amazing. So it's a 6.7 on IMDb, a 7.5 on Metacritic, and a 58% on Rotten Tomatoes. Budget was 55 million, box office 149 million. It was directed by Robert Zemeckis, who's my favorite director, I guess, because he also did What Lies Beneath, so he can do No Wrong.

Yeah. Except for that one, which Tom Hanks animated. Oh, the Polar Express. Wasn't that him? That was unfortunately him. Because he did some wrong. Yeah, he did some wrong. That was a dark spot. It is just straight up wrong.

Yeah. A dark spot. But other than that, a perfect track record. Completely. And he did Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Oh, that movie used to scare me. I want to watch that one again. Emily, we should do that one.

That's a fun one. We should because it really scared me when I was a kid. Okay, so it was written by Martin Donovan and David Kep. And they said they were inspired by The Evil Dead, by the way, when they wrote the script. It's starring Meryl Streep, Bruce Willis, Goldie Hawn, and Isabella Rossellini. I mean, does it get better than that? It doesn't. Does it get better than that?

Also music by my boy, Alan Silvestri, who I talked about in the Practical Magic. My boy. He's my full boy. He is my full boy. My full boy. Well, he's my full boy. He's my full baby boy.

He's- What did you talk about him in? Practical Magic. So he's the composer for every movie you've ever heard of. Most recently, the Polar Express. I know he worked with Robert Zemeckis on most of his films. He's just the owner of that music. It hits your ears and you immediately are transported to your childhood. The strings, the like kind of sentimental

orchestra stuff that is so reminiscent of the 90s. And I just love him so much. Um, okay. Trivia. I just pulled up Bruce Willis' IMDB to see where in his filmography this landed. My god, the man was in so many mega hits for so long. It's really wild to see. It's very sad where he's at right now. I also heard he was pretty tough to work with, but what a star and what a history. I know. A true movie star.

I guess, okay, let's, should we talk about Bruce Willis now then? I have like a whole section about Bruce Willis. I guess we should talk about Bruce Willis. I would love to talk about Bruce Willis right now. I would really love it. So for anyone who needs an update on Bruce Willis, in 2022, his family announced he was retiring from acting because he'd been diagnosed with aphasia, which is a form of dementia that younger people usually get, and it controls language and comprehension.

So, it's so sad. So sad. But also, another crazy thing about Bruce Willis is at the end of his career, he was working with this production company called Emmett Furla Oasis, where he was basically just churning out these low budget independent thrillers where he would make it says, Willis would often earn $2 million for two days of work, with an average of 15 minutes screen time per film. And this production company produced 20 films with him starring Bruce Willis. Most of them were direct to video.

Most of them were widely panned. And those working on the films later said, Willis appeared confused. He didn't understand why he was there. He had to be fed lines through an earpiece. I mean, it's just like really, really sad. That is devastating. I had, it's just like really, really sad. That is devastating. I had heard about this because people were,

there was a lot of public reaction of like, why does Bruce Willis keep making these horrible, horrible movies? And then when the announcement came, I think there was a moment of like, Was he like being taken advantage of? Right, like yeah. He might have been being taken advantage of,

I don't know, or maybe he, the other reading that I'm just totally making up is that he kind of like saw the writing on the wall and was trying to just like make as much money as possible. Yeah, like low stakes. Yeah. Yeah. Cause at the time of his retirement,

so clearly at the time of his family being like he needs to like just be at home, he had completed 11 films that were waiting for release at that point. So, yeah. I gotta say, I love his family. Yeah, great family. They just seem so supportive of each other

and the video of them all around the TV watching as Demi Moore's won whatever award she won. And just like, they seem like a really, really sweet family. So I'm very glad that he has such a seemingly wonderful support system. And there's another weird connection, Demi Moore, you know, winning for the substance. This movie is like the original substance.

It does have substance elements for sure. That's very the substance. The theme is very, yeah. It's essentially exactly the same theme. What's wild is also they weren't married for that long. I was looking up to be Moore's sort of history of her name because we watched Ghost and I'll talk about it another time. You guys, Ghost is the wildest fucking movie I've ever seen.

But yeah, they were only married for like three years. She had a much longer marriage to Ashton Kutcher. Oh, I didn't know that. But obviously they had children together. Oh, they had like three kids together though. That's why it seems like they must have been married for a long time. Yeah.

I know that's the other sad thing is Bruce Willis currently has a 10 year old and a 12 year old. Because he had kids when he was 60 years old, which is something that men like to do. That is something that men like to do. Yeah. Okay, and then I just thought that we should all just say

what our favorite Bruce Willis film is, if we have. Oh, I love this. Oh my gosh. I'm going to do a random one. Okay. A movie that's like very dear to my heart that I actually haven't seen in a long time, but similar to Witches of Eastwick, I feel like I've seen this movie so many times

for some reason, which is Hostage, the home invasion thriller. I don't think I've ever seen it. No, I've never seen it. No. I fucking loved it when I was a teenager or whenever it came out, I just used to watch it all the time.

I wanna see it. Is it like a, is it scary or is it just like a thriller? It's a little scary. There's some upsetting stuff in it, but yeah, it's a thriller. It's not a horror movie, but it also has Ben Foster. That was the first thing I saw Ben Foster in. He's like a bad guy. His name's Mars. And I just love it.

I love it. And obviously it's not the best Bruce Willis movie ever. I mean, I don't know that it's just special to me. It's special to me. I don't think that's the question. Not the question. The question is, what matters to you? And I think that, okay, so I'm gonna say two films.

You're allowed. One is The Sixth Sense, because I fucking love The Sixth Sense. Yeah, and he is so good. Incredible movie. It is an incredible, and he's incredible in it. And there could be no one else in that role except for Bruce Willis.

He's the perfect person. Now that's also a really good example of a movie where the main character is a ghost. And again, another time I'll talk about the movie Ghost. Which I'm not shitting on, Ghost is singular. That's all it's just singular. It's an example of a script. You're like, people read this and they were like, let's make this one.

Well, no, then it won an Oscar. The script won an Oscar. Crazy, but the other one I just wanted to mention is the fifth element. And I haven't seen that in forever, but the fifth element. You know, I've never seen the fifth element. Oh, you would love the fifth element, Emily. Yeah, there's like a, I got into action movies

in like the Tom Cruise era, obviously. So there is a whole world of like 90s action movies that I'm actually not as familiar with. Like I just saw Armageddon for the first time. Oh, you're gonna love those. Did you like Armageddon? What'd you think of Armageddon? I did, I loved it.

But it is so funny because I'm, you know, they feel so different than action movies that Tom is doing now. And John Wick, right now we're in a time of action movies that are really visceral and the whole point is to be practical and you can feel the realness of the stunts. And it's the complete opposite in the 90s,

but in a way that I'm like very on board with. Also it was, you know, Michael Bay does his own, he does his own vibe. But I'll say this is kind of maybe a little obvious that aside from the Sixth Sense, I fucking love Die Hard. I love, I love Die Hard. It's so good. I like Die Hard too as well, but I got to watch, I watch Die Hard every Christmas. I really do. I love, I love Die Hard. It's so good. I like Die Hard too as well.

But I got to watch, I watched Die Hard every Christmas. I really do. I love it. There we go. It's so good. It's really, really good. Okay, I'm really glad we did that. I'm really glad we did that.

Me too. I can't believe none of us said, look, who's talking. I know I was gonna, I have that written down too. Pulp fiction. I forgot he's in Lucky Number Seven, which I don't really remember anything about that movie other than I think I liked it at the time. It's got Josh Hartnett and Lucy Liu. I might rewatch that.

He's in so many things, man. He's in a lot of stuff. He's in a lot. Yeah. Okay, so can I tell you more about... More trivia with this movie. Please. All right. So the movie got mixed reviews and it was critically panned in some cases when it came

out. But since then, it's acquired a significant cult following, especially in the LGBT and drag communities. Tom Campbell, who's an executive producer of RuPaul's Drag Race, reflected on the appeal of the movie to gay audiences by saying, in the movie, they're fighting for beauty, they're against the system, they're villains, but we understand their complexity and we root for the undead divas because they're trying to win a game that's rigged against them. And to borrow a quote from Ginger Rogers,

they sort of have to do it backwards and in high heels. So that's just like, What a good fucking quote. Mm-hmm, yeah. And then also this film won the Oscar for best visual effects. It defeated Batman Returns and Alien to win the Oscar. I know. And the digital advancements pioneered on Death Becomes Her would be incorporated into industrial light and magic.

That's like the VFX company, their next project, Jurassic Park. So the stuff they learned on this movie directly affected Jurassic Park. Wow. Trailblazers. Speaking of, during filming, director Robert Zemeckis would say,

hold on to your butts. And that found its way in the... When we were doing screen filming, director Robert Zemeckis would say, hold on to your butts. And screenwriter David Kep wrote this as the catchphrase for Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park. So lots of crossover there. Wow. That's kind of the main thing. Someday maybe we should do Jurassic Park.

It's not really that scary, but it was a little scary. It's a little scary. It was a little scary. It's a little scary. It's a scary moment. It's a little scary. I don't want a dino running after me. No thanks. No thanks. Also, I just want to flag current Meryl Streep trivia,

which is that it is believed that she is dating Martin Short. And I'm head over heels. Me too. Mm hmm. Yes. And I'm head over heels. Me too. Yeah, me too. I just saw a little little snippet on my Instagram, a little video of them at the SNL fucking concert thing. But they just looked so delighted by each other, like the way they like laugh in each other's presence.

Two people I don't know. It really just seems like so wonderful. I'll send it, I'll try to find this clip and I'll send it to you. Cause it really is just like, man, what a joy. What an absolute joy. I keep seeing these paparazzi shots, these like true pap shots of the two of them

in like black escalades, leaving or like arriving to restaurants. And it's like, it might as well be like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan in there. I'm like, what are you guys up to? They are having the time of their goddamn life. Like, cackling. It looks like they're having so much fucking fun.

They're having fun. They're out on the town. They are enjoying life. God, it makes me happy. Me too. Me too. She's my idol. Yeah, she's perfect.

And I got a lot of love for Martin Short also. Me too. Me too. She's my idol. Yeah, she's perfect. And I got a lot of love from Martin Short also. Me too. All right, are you guys ready for this recap? I'm so ready. Okay, let's do it, Hen. My son Silas is such a picky eater. One of the biggest challenges I have as a mom is just making sure he's actually eating the foods

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I just... I bet that exists. I bet that exists. It feels nice. It just feels nostalgic and nice. I wrote here, a time when I believed in America. That's what it makes me feel like. I feel like the one that comes to mind for me, which is probably obvious, is the Warner

Brothers logo in The Matrix when they make it green and Matrix-y. Ooh, cool. I love when a logo is, yeah, like modified for the movie. Part of the movie experience. Yeah. So we hear, we start with some excellent jazzy music by the brilliant composer, Alan Saval-Strave.

The one and only. The one and only. The one and only boy. The one and only baby boy. Full boy. Henley's full boy. There is a hilariously fake New York Times City skyline that we're panning across. We see the year, it's 1978.

We pan down to a glittering theater marquee declaring Madeleine Ashton is starring in Songbird. All the lights are glowing. It looks very fancy, very fabulous. Unfortunately, people are leaving the theater talking about how absolutely shitty the show is. People are walking out grumbling saying it's awful. What a waste of money.

I was so bored. Terrible performance. Oh, no. Cut to Meryl Streep, aka Madeline Ashton. I will try, I don't know, you guys. In my notes, I think I really go back and forth. We are going to be going right between Meryl and Madeline. Meryl, Madeline.

Oh, that's just fine. That's easy. I'm going to do it with all of them. It's really hard to keep not their celebrity names out of my mouth. Keep their celebrity names out of your mouth, please. I can't do it. I can't do it.

I can't do it. So Meryl is on stage. She is in the midst of some kind of Marilyn Monroe-esque song and dance number. She's sporting platinum blonde curls. She has wildly massive fake eyelashes, bright turquoise eyeshadow that perfectly matches her sparkling turquoise gown and shoes. And she is showboating down the stairs. She's got a feather boa.

She's surrounded by a bunch of dancers dressed as bellboys. The song that she's singing is called, I see me. And the lyrics give us a little hint into what the rest of the movie will address. She's singing, what do I see? That's the question I'm most afraid of. One that asked me what I'm really made of. What do I see? Much more than a reflection, a romance with sheer perfection. I see me, I see me!" That's the whole song. And she's giving it her all.

And to me, honestly, her all is amazing. Like, there's nothing, to me, that seems like that bad about the show, but people conspicuously hate it. We panned the audience, everyone's getting up to leave, people are fully asleep, snoring, no one's paying attention. But we pan over to one couple in the back and we see Bruce Willis, who is staring wrapped at Meryl. He's got a little mustache and those glasses

that everyone wore in the early 90s. And he is loving every second of this performance. Can't take his eyes off of her. Next to him, Goldie Hawn. Very mousy looking Goldie Hawn. She can't take... Impossible. I know. No, they did a really good job making her look. Does she have bangs? She's got... Yeah, she has bangs. She's got, yeah, she has she has bangs. She has really intense bangs, really like frizzy brown hair, like a black turtleneck.

Wow, that's how they do it. Maybe glasses. I'm thinking just like she's all that. I don't think she has glasses on. No, she's just wearing a very kind of like boring outfit and her hair is not, she's just not, she's hiding her light. You know, she's hiding her light. She's hiding her light. And she's staring at Bruce Willis, mouth agape, clearly disgusted by this reaction. Meryl ends her song and Bruce whispers,

she's sensational. And he jumps to give a standing ovation while Goldie Hawn looks on with her mouth open, kind of just like in shock, like, fuck. Um, so we're seeing the dynamic here. Goldie Hawn, her name is Helen Sharp, and Bruce Willis is her fiance, Dr. Ernest Menville. So we cut to Meryl.

She's in her dressing room. She's staring at herself in her mirror. She's wearing a white bathrobe with fur trim, a red corset lingerie, and she's touching up her makeup in the mirror. She's checking her face for facelift scars. She's surrounded by massive bouquets of flowers, and she's bossing her assistant around Rose, who tells her that her visitors are there. And Meryl is like, how does she look?

And Rose says, smart, I guess, kind of classy. And Meryl does not like that answer. So then she positions herself seductively in her chair as Rose opens the door and her visitors are, as you guessed, Helen Sharp and Dr. Ernest Menville. I guess her and Goldie Han were friends a long, long time ago. That's just what we assume based on how she reacts. Cause at first it's just Goldie in the doorway. And when Meryl sees her, she immediately changes her body language

and covers herself up with her robe and like jumps up and just like, oh, it's so good to see you. And they hug. You can tell there's like tension,, it's so good to see you. And they hug. You can tell there's like tension, but they're pretending like there isn't. And then Bruce Willis starts in with a bottle of champagne. And Meryl's eyes light up. And he can't stop staring at her

and telling her how magnificent she was in the show. Helen introduces them. She says, this is Dr. Ernest Melville, my fiance. And Meryl is like, the very famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Ernest Melville. And you better believe she's heard of this man. She's read everything there is to know about him. She loves him and he loves her.

And Goldie Hawn is looking between the two of them like, fuck, fuck, fuck my life, fuck my fucking life. And Meryl, you know, looks lovingly at him. I'll never be hot. This movie goes in directions that I was not expecting. So, you know, she says, tell me, doctor, do you think I'm starting to need you? And he's completely in love with her. And she asks, have you two set a date?

And Helen says, yes, right, as Ernest says no. Uh-huh. Cut to Ernest doing some surgery, just some casual surgery. And he sees through the window of the operating room, Meryl has shown up, Madeline has shown up, she's holding more champagne, she's holding flowers, she's like, let's go hang out.

And he's like in the middle of surgery and he's like, okay. I'll just wrap this up. Let me wrap this up. So then it cuts to Helen at home reacting to hearing that they had dinner. Ernest is telling her it's not a big deal, not to worry. But she's just sitting on the couch with a piece like a napkin or something in between her hands. She's just twisting it aggressively with a wild look in her eyes.

She's not even looking at Bruce Willis, she's just looking into the distance going, she's taken men from me before, she'll do it again. And he's saying, honey, you know how silly you're sounding, I have absolutely no interest in Madeline Ashton. Cut two, you can guess what the next scene is. Wedding bells, who's getting married? Marilyn Bruce.

Madeline! Yep. They are happily running out the church, newlyweds, while Goldie Hawn looks on, ringing some napkin again in her hands until her hands start to bleed. Cut two seven years later. So now it's 1985. Hell yeah.

And we're back in Goldie's apartment. This time, however, it is filled with cats. There are cats everywhere. Cats coming out of the cupboards, cats. So everything's coming up goldy. This is exactly where she wants to be. The dream life. She's achieved everything.

Yes. She is, she's in... Cats coming out of cupboards? She's in a fat suit too, like a really, really terrible fat suit. And her hair is a rat's nest on top of her head. We really did love to do that in the 90s. I have some comments about this.

It's when you watch old movies and the way that we cavalierly talk about weight and the way that we discussed being fat as like morally wrong or like a sign of psychosis or laziness or- Like clearly look how poorly she's doing as a person because she used to be thin. Thinner than she is now, oh God.

Exactly. Right. Exactly. She's wearing bunny slippers. She's eating ice cream with her fingers. With her fingers? Oh yeah. That's just ineffectual. It's getting all over her face. It's disgusting in a way that it doesn't need to be. She flips on the TV.

Just moments ago, I mentioned getting ice cream as an act of self-empowerment and really, really, you know. The fingers really does, it really changes the tone. It changes the tone. Yeah, it changes the tone. Also, it's just so cold. Your fingers would instantly melt it. Yeah.

It reminded me of like moments when I had- Does she not have spoons? I think it doesn't seem like it when she opened her cabinets, there were only cats inside. Only cats. Yeah, yeah. I guess you can't eat it with a cat. One or the other. She's gotten rid of everything she owns except cats and ice cream and this TV where she's watching, you guessed it, Meryl Streep on screen. She's watching a scene over and over and over again of her being murdered

and she's pausing in the moment when the life goes out of her eyes and she's smiling and while she's doing this her landlord is banging on her door telling her that he has her final eviction notice. They're going to break down the door if she doesn't come immediately. He says the cops are here, then it's like, NYPD, open up. She's just laughing and watching this movie over and over again while they literally burst in and drag her out of the apartment. So now we cut to, and she's in a group therapy session in a psychiatric hospital.

In this moment, and then also in the previous scene, there are gratuitous shots of her fake butt. She's in a fat suit and nonetheless, the camera is really lingering on her like huge fake butt in a really unnecessary way. Like it's like, we get it, we get it. So she's in a group therapy session, the therapist tentatively asks,

is there anything, Madeline, that you would like to talk about today? And Goldie Hawn, who is, I mean, giving a physical performance up for a lifetime. Her name's not Madeline, what's her name? No, yeah, not Madeline. Oh, sorry, sorry, Helen, Helen. I'm so sorry, yes.

It's okay, I mean, I'm just thinking of her as Goldie Hawn. I know, it's hard. Goldie Hawn, she is, I mean, she's just thinking of her as Goldie Hawn, but... I know, it's hard. Goldie Hawn, she is... I mean, she's like splayed out in this chair. She's twisting her little napkin. She's a great comedic actress. She's funny, man. Oh, she's so good. She's so fucking good. And she says yes, and all the patients look at her like,

oh, no, and the therapist kind of looks at her like, oh, no, and she goes, I want to talk about Madeleine Ashton. And the patients burst into screams, covering their ears. They run, they try to run out of the room. They clearly, this is the only thing she talks about and it's driving everyone else up the wall. So the therapist at a breaking point

drags her into her office and gives her a very serious smack down talking to that's deeply unprofessional and would never happen in real life. The first thing she says is, Helen, you've been here six months and you're not even one pound lighter. Is that the point of a psychiatric hospital? No. Yeah, I'm very excited for the turn this movie is certainly going to take.

I can't wait for it, I can't wait for it, because so far the messaging is pretty tough. It's really tough, it's really tough, no. If you lose your man to another woman who is capable of quote unquote stealing your man, you will fall into such a horrifying state of despair and psychosis that you'll be eating ice cream with your bare hands.

Yeah, it's written by men, so let's just keep that in mind. Sure, sure. I know we're gonna get somewhere fun. I know it. Yeah, we will. Pfft, kind of. Um, okay, and so then the therapist is saying, you have to erase her from your mind. You have to completely eliminate her from your brain.

And at that, Goldie Hawn stops. She looks at her and she says, what did you say? She says, you have to completely eliminate. And she goes, ah, you're right. You're absolutely right. Zoom in on Goldie Hawn's face looking thrilled and excited for the first time in seven years, I guess.

Now, we cut to Beverly Hills, and it's another seven years later. So we got another time jump. We're up to 1992 now. A messenger service van is driving up to a gate in front of a beautiful, huge mansion and says she has a message for Madeleine and Ernest Menville. Then we see the original assistant, Rose, walking up a huge, steep, never-ending flight of marble steps carrying a very heavy breakfast tray. She's absolutely panting, bringing it upstairs to Meryl Streep who is unrecognizable in bed.

Her head is covered in bandages. This is clearly a daily occurrence. Rose comes in, she opens the curtains. Meryl snorts awake. Rose says, oh, madam, you look younger every day. Clearly it's the line she's supposed to say every morning. And on her breakfast tray is the message, the little envelope that was delivered. And she's like, what is this? And she says, it's your tickets to Helen's book party tonight.

And Meryl snorts when she sees that the title of Goldie Hawn's book is forever young. And then she asked Rose where Ernest slept last night because the bed is all made on his side. Clearly he has not been there. And Rose just points upstairs and Merrill says, again. And then we cut to Rose bringing Ernest his morning breakfast tray, which is just a Bloody Mary and some aspirin. And he looks awful. He has very gray, pale skin. He's passed out, fully dressed on the floor next to his bed of choice, which is a massive leather chair. And his beeper is going off while Rose shakes him awake and hands him the Bloody Mary. And he takes a sip. Bloody Mary. Yeah.

That does sound good. him awake and hands him the Bloody Mary and he takes a sip. Bloody Mary. Yeah. That does sound good. I know. Me too. I want one right now. He gags and he looks at Rose and he says, more vodka. He's an alcoholic. Then he asks, is it up yet?

And she says, yes, it's in the bath. So they're talking about Meryl referring to her as it. Oh my God. Which is like really distressing, I think even when it's done in a funny way where she's just like clearly a villain and evil to them, but even them referring to her as it, I found like too far, I stepped too far.

Yeah, that is tough. I don't like them being in on that together either. There's something tough about that. So he is not just an alcoholic, he's also going insane. It seems like he's literally throwing knives at the wall. He just starts throwing knives at the wall. But his beeper, it was going off for a reason. He needs to go to work.

So he is no longer a plastic surgeon. Now, Bruce Willis has become a mortician for the stars. And there is an emergency with a very famous movie star who died in a hot tub. And he's very swollen, he's very bloated. He was making love to his new wife, an 18-year-old from Cuba. And he has a look of...

He has a look of... His assistant is telling him, he has a look of pure happiness on his face that is completely inappropriate for the circumstances. And we pan over, we see the cadaver, which is just an actor in silver face paint sitting very still with a weird smile on his face. Which is a really weird choice for, he's just clearly just a live person covered in spray paint.

So while Bruce Willis gets to work, Meryl is also getting to work doing her main job, which is everything she can to stay young. So she's visiting a spa. This is not a normal spa. She's still wrapped up in bandages or was that like a sleeping thing? Keep it all tight while you sleep.

I guess it's like a sleeping thing. I don't know. She doesn't need the bandages for any clear reason cause she looks great. It wasn't like she like was recovering from a procedure. This is just her vibe. I think this is just her nightly routine of maybe wrapping her face up in bandages.

I don't know. And sleeping fully sitting up. Hey look, I'm not knocking a look into it. Maybe it works. People do stuff like sleeping with things on their decolletage to keep it from not creasing. We should look into that and mouth tape. My god, mouth tape really scares me. I kind of want to try it.

I think I would die. I mean, you might. If like someone pinched your nose in the middle of the night while you're sleeping, then you would die for sure. I think you'd wake yourself up before you would just straight up die. Yeah, you would. I don't think you'd just give up.

Just skip straight to death. You say, ah, yeah, well, it makes my nose. What am I supposed to do? Sip my mouth? That seems to be so difficult. You guys know how I feel about Skims. You know how I love their t-shirts. You know how I love their pajamas.

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New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Okay, so this is not a normal spa. This is the kind of spa where a police officer has to accompany you down the elevator and from room to room. Everything is like kept behind, lock and key. She goes into this elevator that brings her downstairs,

again, accompanied by a police officer. This is what I imagine the substance spa would look like, or would feel like. We've got violet walls, we've got plush carpet. It's also, again, that perfect intersection of 80s and 90s aesthetic, like Meryl Streep's room, which is supposed to be such a, you know, fancy like top of the line, beautiful room. Everything is like that shiny material. What is it like? Shemeese? What is the name of that? Like chenille?

Taffeta? I don't know. I meant to look this up. Charmouse? It's a type of fabric that all of her bedding, her curtains, everything is just like thick and shiny and the color of like frosted pink and frosted purple. I think it's taffeta. Yeah. So that's same with the spa.

The spa looks the same way. We got a peek inside one of these treatment rooms and it is a man strapped to some kind of massive rocking ball, like spread eagle on this ball, getting some kind of blood transfusion, like there's just blood all over the place. So Meryl has come there to request another plasma separation, but her very French, very hot, I don't know, doctor? I don't know what her title is, aesthetician? She is saying, it's too dangerous. I can't do the French accent.

It's also, as we've soon discovered, a fake French accent. So she's telling, in a very thick, fake French accent, she's telling her, we cannot do another one. It's also, as we've soon discovered, a fake French accent. So she's telling in a very thick, fake French accent, she's telling her, we cannot do another one. It's too dangerous. It's very traumatic on the body. She just had one three weeks ago. But Merrill is giving it her all. She has Helen's book party that night. She needs to look her best.

She will do that at all costs. She'll pay anything. It's fun to see her go through all the different stages of like, how a narcissist tries to manipulate someone. Like first, she's angry, then she's sad and crying, then she's bartering, then she's manipulative. Like she goes, she very effectively goes through like each stage of what you would do to try to convince someone of something. And the second, she says that she'll pay anything, then all of a sudden, quite literally out of nowhere,

her like doctor, aesthetician, French woman, her boss shows up just out of nowhere. He just appears. He's just all of a sudden sitting on the couch and he says to the French doctor, like, you can leave. At this point, she completely drops her French accent and starts apologizing profusely in her American accent, being like, I don't know what I did wrong

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do and he says get out of here. I'll handle it from here So this doctor has one eye that is wandering all around One of his eyes is just going in circles all around looking everywhere And then the other eye is blinking blink blinkink blink, blink blink, blink blink. He is not normal looking. This is not how anyone would ever look. And he... He...

He... He... He... I love Emily recaps so much. He, this is not how anyone would ever look. This is the first time we've seen someone look not how they're supposed to look. So it's important to note that it's happening right now.

Right, in this building. In this building. His eyes are doing things no eyes have ever done. And he turns off the security camera. And he's basically like, I have something for you. I have someone you'd like to meet, someone you're really going to get along with. There's a doctor who you're really going to hit it off with. And he gives her a little business card with the address of Liesl von Ruhmann. And it all

sounds very ominous. This guy is not looking like a guy you should listen to, but you think like, okay, she's pretty desperate. I bet she, you know, listens. But then he gives her the card and he leaves, and she takes it and she goes, weirdo, and rips it up and puts it in her back. It's like, okay, all right. So, she's not quite there yet. Then we cut to Ernest and Madeline driving to Helen's book party. Bruce Willis, he's pale. He's shaking quite there yet. Then we cut to Ernest and Madeline driving to Helen's book party.

Bruce Willis, he's pale, he's shaking like a leaf. He has this sheen of sweat on him at all times. They really make him so unattractive. In the second, in the bulk of this film, he's like this. He's also breathing really loudly. And Meryl Streep is like, could you just not breathe? They hate each other so much.

They pull up in the car and this place is lit for a book party, holy shit. It is like an Oscar after party. It's packed, it's catered, everyone's in like black tie. Like Irish Wish. It's just like Irish Wish. There's nothing fancier than a book party in a movie. There's no step and repeat though,

which is the one thing it's missing. My God, you guys, it's almost St. Patrick's Day. Oh my God, it's almost time for Irish Wish. It's almost time for Irish Wish again. Thank God, it's the only thing keeping us going. Didn't we promise we were gonna rent out a theater and do an Irish Wish? I love that.

Irish Wish we could. I think we promised that it'll be the only thing we ever recap in any live show we ever do. It's just Irish wish over and over and over. We're gonna fill seats. Well, that one obviously we can keep. That's a good way to get people through the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you know, Meryl Streep is like, what'd she do, hire extras? They're both shocked, walking around this party, like what the fuck is going on? Finally, they see Goldie Hawn from across the room. She has a big reveal and wow, what a transformation. She has, she's looking very different than she looked seven years ago. She's got bright red hair. She's got red lipstick. She's got a killer red dress, red stiletto heels, and she's looking

great. She's looking very beautiful. And also the way that this reveal happens is fun because first, you know, we see her and clearly Meryl and Bruce are shocked. Then Meryl starts walking across the room to go talk to her. And as she walks across the room, time slows down and everything goes into slow motion as Meryl like slowly drinks her in from afar and like notices literally everything about her like staring at her hands,

at her butt, at her boobs, at her shoulders, at her hair, at her face, like everything. And then she's like right about to be where she could say hi to her and she loses her nerve and tries to dip and turn around and not talk to her. And, but obviously Goldie Hawn has seen her at this point. So she's like, Mads, oh my God, how are you? So then she has to turn back around and be like, hi, so you look amazing. So they embrace and Bruce is standing on the other side

of the room and he kind of like waves to her and she waves at him. And then Marilyn Goldie have a little heart to heart where Goldie Hawn, you know, God, she's waited for this moment for 14 years now, I guess. And she has tears in her eyes and she takes Meryl Streep by the shoulders. And she's like, I just want you to know, I never blamed you for what happened.

I never blamed you. And she's selling it so hard. It is so convincing. Like Meryl Streep is looking like, what the fuck? Like, oh my God, okay, wow. And Goldie Hawn is going, I always blamed Bruce. I always blamed him. Bruce Willis, the actor.

Bruce Willis, I always, I. Bruce Willis, the actor. Bruce Willis. I always, I hated Bruce Willis. So, Meryl is kind of reeling from this conversation. She goes to get another drink. She's overhearing people talk about Goldie Hawn and, you know, fawning over how beautiful she is. And one woman is saying, how old do you think she is? And Meryl Streep says, 50.

And the other women are like, oh, no! And I guess, I couldn't tell, I think they are supposed to be 50 at this point in the film, even though Meryl Streep was like 43 when she filmed this role and they for sure look like, they essentially look like they're 25 years old, but whatever. Looking up. It was 92.

So then she spots Goldie Hawn grabbing Bruce Willis and stealing him away for a moment. And she sees from a distance them having a heart to heart as well. And we cut to that and Goldie Hawn is holding Bruce Willis by the shoulders, looking deep into his eyes, her eyes, you know, quivering with tears, and she's going, I just want you to know I never blamed you for what happened. I never blamed you. I always blamed her. I always blamed her.

And Bruce Willis is so pathetic in this. He's just like, oh, what? Okay. Goldie Hawn was almost 50. Really? She looks... When they shot this. She was in her late 40s. She literally looks 25 years old. I mean, yeah, she's fucking Goldie Hawn. Unbelievable.

So, after this very surprising book party, Meryl is feeling pretty dejected. Like, she's not feeling good. So, what does she do when she doesn't feel good? I think she goes over to her 20-something boyfriend's house. So she has a little side piece, little 20-something year old guy. She goes and knocks on his door,

but alas, he's with another woman. It's clear there's someone else in the apartment. He tries to hide it at first. And then she starts to get upset. And she starts to get a little teary about it. And that actually makes him mad. And he's like, I'm sick of this, Madeline. I'm sick of it.

He says, my friends think we look ridiculous together. You need to go find someone your own age. It's so mean. So mean. Wow. Right at that moment, thunder claps, downpour happens. She gets soaked by rain. She gets into her car and starts wildly driving through the streets of Los Angeles.

She catches her reflection in the mirror. She is soaked. She is looking the worst we've ever seen her look. And the second she sees her reflection, she slams on her breaks, screams at the top of her lungs, empties out her purse, digs through. God, I love Meryl. Finds the card, pieces it back together,

and she heads right on over to that doctor's house. She says, Meryl, all you had to do is dry off, girl. You were just wet. I knew just wet. You're just wet. You're just wet. If you're ever having a to do was dry off. Girl, you were just wet. I knew just wet. You're just wet. You're just wet. If you're ever having a moment, just dry off. Just dry off.

And then things could look different when you're dry. Oh. Things could look different when you're dry. She doesn't feel that way. She's ready to visit this doctor. She doesn't care if it's gonna make her eyes go all over the place. She pulls up and it's quite literally a castle.

She pulls up to a full blown castle that I guess is in Los Angeles somewhere. I meant to look up like if this building exists at all anywhere, I think most of it is clearly fake. But anyway, so she pulls up a young, swole male assistant. Moby lives in a castle. What?

He does, Moby does live in a castle or did, I think Moby sold that. Wait, and Moby might've sold that house, but that castle. Moby might've sold his castle. Moby might've sold his castle. In Los Angeles? Moby might've moved. Moby might've moved from his castle to another place.

You know, Moby got his start at Christ Church, Greenwich. Whoa, isn't Moby might have moved. Moby might have moved from his castle to another place. You know, Moby got his start at Christ Church, Greenwich. Whoa, isn't Moby bad? Moby, I think, is bad. Yeah, yeah, the Natalie Portman stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But Moby did live in a castle. Moby did live in a castle, but wait, you guys, he literally got his start here at this church.

So there's a space, I know, this is not computing, this doesn't make any sense. Playing music at the church? Yes, there is a space that I know this is not computing, this doesn't make any sense. Playing music at the church? Yes, there is a space that I don't think we went to actually when you were here, that's like a lofted space that was a club, quote unquote. Moby's club? Club for like teens, like people who were under 21,

it was basically a non-alcoholic, like no alcohol was served, but it was a dance club in the early 90s, late 80s. When did Moby get his start? I don't know. And that's where he would play his music. Moby would play his music. Wow.

I don't think he likes people to know that he's got his start in Greenwich, Connecticut. That's not as cool as living in a castle, but nonetheless. My friend delivered pizzas to his castle once and he didn't tip. What's up? So he's also bad in that way. That's fucked up. Yeah, I think he's pretty bad dude.

That castle is up in the hills where I used to like go on hikes and stuff when I lived in Franklin Village. So that's how I knew about the castle. I walked past the castle and I was like, this castle is crazy. And then somebody said, that's where Mubi lives. And that's how I learned. Did you like that story? Yeah, this castle is crazy. And then somebody said, that's where Moby lives. And that's how I learned. Did you like that story? Yeah, no, I did.

I actually did that provided context that told me where it is. Tell me how you, told me your feelings. God, you guys, I have a really cool story about how I discovered- Tell it again, tell it again. Tell it again. Wait, are you gonna show it out to dinner?

Emily, tell that story about that time. Emily, tell us the story, tell us the story again. Tell us again. Tell us again, tell us Emily, tell us a story. Tell us a story again. Tell us again. Tell us again, tell us again. Tell us a story. At your funeral, one story Emily always told that we loved. She was such a good storyteller. I remember.

I'll never forget the first time she told us about how she found out about Moby's castle. Next time you can't make it to a podcast, Sammy and I are just recapping the story in case people missed it. That's all our live shows is just us recapping how you found out about Moby's Castle. Followed by Irish Whish.

Oh, God. Okay, anyway, so yeah, so then we got a Swole male assistant, he's wearing a full wrestling outfit. He's like, he's jacked. He's not wearing a shirt. He's wearing... He's shredded. He's wearing purple and black, vertical striped spandex tights and wrestling boots and like a wrestling belt. He ushers her inside already.

The vibes are weird. That's not really what you want to see. It's also thundering and lightning, pouring down rain. He ushers her into this. Rare for Los Angeles. There's a lot of rain in this movie. It's raining nonstop. One thing to get rain, but we so rarely get thunder and lightning.

Oh, never, never. Which is the thing I really miss. I know, it's the best. The lightning is bad for fires, but I just miss it. It's a very calming feeling. But it's not calming right now when she's entering a spooky, spooky castle with a absolutely cavernous ornate interior, marble floors, two Doberman dogs with spiky collars, standing guard, barking.

The swole assistant brings her into another room where there is another swole man in a similar wrestling outfit. Two swole men. Two swole men. The other one seated on a- A seated swole man. A seated swole man. A seated swole man.

On a couch and in this... A small sofa. On a small sofa. And then in this weird way, the smaller first swole man seats her next to the bigger swole man. And there's a lot of places to sit, but for some reason she's just sitting.

Wait, wait, wait. The smaller swole man and the... Okay, a striped tight swole man sits the lady and a small sofa next to a smaller swole man. Shh. That is what happens. At first you're like, is this a doctor? What's happening?

This was confusing. But no, you see an arm on an armrest and a huge velvet chair seated by the fire. And Isabella Rossellini shoots her head around and she's like, I'm so happy you came. And she stands up. And Isabella Rossellini, you guys, holy fucking shit. Like Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful women. Isabella Rossellini is like terrifyingly beautiful. She looks perfect. She looks literally perfect. All that she's wearing is a bunch of necklaces that cover her boobs, that's it. And like a sarong, barely even a sarong. And she has a dagger stuck in her sarong too.

This is the vibe. Wow. Wow. So the vibe you'd pay any price for, obviously. Meryl Streep is shocked. She is, she's like, she's come to the right place. This is the place for me. And immediately Isabella Rossellini is so comfortable.

You know, it's giving like Drew Barrymore on her talk show, like she gets onto the couch with her, the other, the assistants, which we'll later learn their names are literally Tom, Dick and Harry. They have left for the moment. And she's like grabbing Meryl Streep's hand saying, I'm so happy you're here. I've always thought you had one of the most beautiful, stunning faces ever in the world. And she tells her, I know why you're here.

I know why you're here. She says, you're scared as hell of yourself. You're scared of watching your beautiful body rot. I'm the one who knows your secret. I'm the one who understands you. And Meryl Streep is kind of like, well, what's going on? Like, this is a lot, okay?

Like, thank you, but what am I doing here? And Isabella Rossellini, she stands up. She goes over to a very ornate looking box and she touches it and the box dramatically opens, revealing a very ornate Fabergé egg. And then you better believe she touches that Fabergé egg and it also opens revealing like this is another so 90s and I want to know I don't even know what movies this exists in but it's so familiar. It's a crystal, like chalice, like shot glass

that's filled with a CGI pink smoky thing. Like it's like this kind of shit they could only pull off in the nineties. Like it's so stupid and fake looking, but they like, they make it. So you're, it's Meryl Streep. So you're like, okay, whatever. This is fine.

This is fine with me. I believe it. Meryl says, what is that? And Isabella Rossellini says, a touch of magic in this world obsessed with science. And she takes the dagger out of her sarong and she pricks Meryl Streep's finger and she puts a drop of the potion inside.

And Meryl watches in amazement as the age spots on her hand just disappear. So we have a side by side. One hand still has age spots. One just, they all go away. And it made me realize, I was like, oh yeah, I forgot I'm going to get age spots on my hands. That's just a thing that happens. Yeah. I feel like hands really, really age. I know, it becomes a thing that older people notice. Do you know what I mean?

Older people care about and like. Because they really go through a lot, your hands, you know? Well, I remember my grandmother, Nani, always wore driving gloves. Anytime she was driving, she always wore driving gloves. And I think that that's, I was always like, why would you care about that? And it's because she didn't want age spots on her hands.

I think it's pretty common. It's also just a really fun vibe. It's a cool look. Oh yeah, that too, that too. Okay, so Meryl sees this, she's in, she's convinced, she says, how much? Isabella writes a number on a piece of paper, shows it to her. Meryl scoffs and gets up to leave.

She's like, oh, never mind. I guess I better be going. But Isabella demands she stays. She says, how old do you think I am? And Meryl Streep is like, um, 38? And Isabella Rossellini looks pissed, like pissed as hell that she said 38. She says, I'm 71. And Meryl Streep is like, what?

OK, I'm back in. I'm back in. Prove it. I know, I know. She doesn't ask nearly as many questions as she should ask. So she chugs that potion down as fast as can be. And right afterwards, Isabella Rossellini goes, and now a warning. And Meryl Streep goes,

and Meryl Streep goes, now a warning? Now? Well, nobody told you to just go ahead and chug it, Meryl. I mean. She doesn't need a lot of convincing. Isabella says, this is your body. You're going to be with it for a very long time. Take excellent care of it. It's very convincing. Isabella says, this is your body. You're going to be with it for a very long time.

Take excellent care of it. Take excellent care of your body. And as she's saying that, she's pinning a little gold pin onto her lapel. And Meryl Streep is like, okay, whatever, bitch, I'm out. And she starts walking out of the castle. She catches her reflection in a mirror and she looks at herself and she doesn't really look any different and she looks disappointed. And then we get it all.

We got a big old transformation. They had to do I read in the trivia that they had to use like a pneumatic pulley system to make Meryl Streep's boobs do this. But our boobs basically go from like flat, like perc up to like full cleavage. And I think that her makeup artist was like behind her for the shot, like pushing her boobs up basically, using this lever system. So we see her boobs like get perked up,

her butt perks up, her face just looks like it's like face tuned all of a sudden. And she's squealing in delight, so happy. And she says, I'm a girl. Which just, I don't know, like freaks me out. I like, that just so freaks me out. I like, don't like it whatsoever.

So meanwhile, Goldie Hawn has gone over to seduce Bruce Willis. Beforehand, we see her in her lunatic style lair. It's covered in pictures of Madeline with her eyes crossed out. The words never again are written in what looks like blood over her mirror. She's practicing how to say,

"'Please, I need to speak to Madeline immediately.'" She practices it in the mirror a few times. How many cats? I was gonna say, not a cat in sight. No cats. Wow, insane. She doesn't have time to take care of even a cat. She's so focused on this one mission of hers.

She's driven. So she goes over to their house and Bruce opens the door and she says, please, I need to speak to Madeline immediately. And he says, oh, she's not here. And she goes, oh, thank God, and pushes her way in. And then we cue the seduction scene. The way that she seduces him, she just gets really close to his face and she goes,

I'm sexual now. That's right. I say words like sexual, sexy, sex. And it works. Bruce Willis is like, uh-huh, okay. Hell yeah. Okay. I like sexual, sexy, sex.

I'm hearing those words and it's doing something to me. So she seduces him and she convinces him like, Madeline is the worst thing that's ever happened to him. She can't be trusted. She's evil. She's ruined our lives. And he says, I know I need to get a divorce. I need to get a divorce. And she says, a divorce in California?

She's going to take you for everything you have. And so he's like, you're right. You're right. Because I guess all of their money now is from him because he's such a successful mortician to the stars. And she hasn't made money in years. And so she's like, our only option, our only option is to kill her. And he's like, what? We can't do that. And she's like, yes, we can. Of course we can. And she says, this is how we'll do it.

And she outlines the entire plan. And it's really made me laugh. It involves drugging. Okay, it's so complicated. This plan is so complicated. Basically, it involves poisoning her drink while she's at a dinner party, getting her into the car, filling the car with hundreds of handles of liquor. That was the part that really made me laugh the most is that she's passed out. They put a handle of liquor in her hand. They literally fill the car as though she's drunk a hundred handles of liquor. Like it's like, okay, yeah. And then they bring the car up to a cliff and they push it off a cliff.

And then they wildly make out in, you know, her, her version of the plan. And Bruce Willis is kind of like, what? Okay, like, okay, sure. And then we get to Meryl coming home. She's ready to take her hot new bod out on the town. Goldie is gone by then. And Bruce comes out and confronts her and is like, where have you been?

And they start fighting. And somehow, in this fight, she stumbles up to these marble stairs, they're on the second floor, and she starts to fall down, but her heels catch her. So it's like her heels are stuck in the stair and keeping her from falling somehow. And so she's like hanging by a thread on these stairs.

And he's about to save her, but she's still yelling at him. And so he just pokes her in the chest and she falls down like a rag doll down these stairs. I mean, her limbs are flying all over the place. This is a long staircase. She has a long way to go. Tumbles right on down those stairs, Bruce Willis staring in shock. Thump, she lands. It's full, it follows style.

Her legs, her arms, her head, nothing is pointing in the right direction. Everything is going the wrong way. Bruce Willis looks, he's in shock, he's terrified. He walks down the stairs, he walks past her body. He lifts her wrist up and drops it. She's definitely dead, he thinks. And then he walks over to the phone, calls Goldie Hawn. He's like, I did it. I did it. I killed her. I killed her. I can't believe I didn't think I would be able to

do it, but I did it. I just killed her. And Goldie Hawn is like, what are you talking about? What about our plan? I told you the plan three times. We have to do the plan. He's like, I know, but I killed her. I did it. I killed her. She's out of our life. And Goldie Hawn is like, well, have you called the police? And he says, no. She says, okay, well, don't you think it's going to look suspicious that you called me before you called the police? And he's like, oh, right, I hadn't thought of that. So while they're having this conversation, in the background, we see Meryl slowly untangling herself.

Her arms going back to where it's supposed to be, her legs going back to where it's supposed to be. She's like kind of crinkly getting up and she starts like kind of walking like a weird little scarecrow over to Bruce Willis. And as she comes more into focus, we realize that her head is completely turned around. So it's her butt.

I don't even know how she, so she's supposed to be walking like backwards, I guess. I don't really understand how it's her butt. I don't even know how she... So she's supposed to be walking like backwards, I guess. I don't really understand how it's going. But her head is completely turned around and she says to him, Ernest, you pushed me down the stairs. And he screams, hangs up the phone, falls backwards, like tries to get away as fast as he can. This is the moment where I need to tell you guys about the fireplace. falls backwards, like tries to get away as fast as he can.

This is a moment where I need to tell you guys about the fireplace. There is a fireplace that doesn't really come into play at all. I thought someone was going in that fireplace at some point in this movie, no one ever does. It is fucking huge. It is the biggest fireplace I've ever seen.

It is too big for a normal house and the fire is roaring at all times. Anytime you're seeing this fireplace, this is multiple times throughout this movie, there is a fire roaring in the background. It has to be consuming so many trees per day. It's so unnecessary, but like kind of a cool vibe. Anyway, so she's screaming at him,

pushing her down the stairs, and not seeming to notice that her body's all fucked up. And he says, "'Madeleine, look at yourself.' And she looks down and she touches herself. And she goes, "'Ernest, my ass.' And he's like,

"'Oh.' And she goes, "'Fix it. Fix it right now.' He goes, "'How?' And she goes, "'I don't know, just fix it.' And he's like, ah, and she goes, fix it, fix it right now. He goes, how? And she goes, I don't know, just fix it. And he's like, ah, and she's like, fine, I'll do it myself. And so she just like takes her head and like scritches it all the way back around.

Scritches it? Yeah, scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch, scritch. And she's kind of back to normal, but then she says, honey, I think I need a doctor. So they go to the emergency room because like what else are you gonna do? Sidney Pollack is the doctor. Do you guys, randomly?

Sidney Pollack just has this tiny role in this movie for some reason. I don't know, it's great to see him. Bruce Willis is going, she's on death's door. She's on death's door. And Sid's, and Cindy Pollock is like, okay, I'll be the one to tell you that because she looks fine. She's wearing like a big coat. He takes her wrist and he examines it and then he goes, does that hurt? And Raelle Streep is bored. And she's like, no. And then he does something else. He goes, does that hurt? And she goes,

no. And he's like looking startled. And then he opens up her coat a little bit and sees her neck and is visibly shocked. Bruce Willis is in the background drinking heavily from his flask. And when the doctor sees her neck, he turns around and grabs the flask and takes a big drink out of it. And Bruce is like, maybe it's shock. Check her for shock. And so he turns back around and there had been a thermometer in her mouth. He takes it out and he looks at it and he's like, ah. And then he takes her pulse and is like, ah. He's not getting the results he was looking for. And he drinks from the flask and he says,

your wrist is fractured in three places. You've broken several vertebrae. Your body temperature is below 80 and your heart has stopped beating. And Meryl looks bored and confused and she goes, well, what the hell does that mean? And Sydney Pollock is like, I don't know. I think I'm gonna get a second opinion.

And he sprints out of there. Is her neck all like twisted? It's like as if it's been like. They just have some weird like makeup on it that makes it look kind of bumpy in a way that's confusing. Like, I don't know what's supposed to be happening. Cause like. I'm picturing it like run like a towel that you like twist.

That's how it was when her neck was first all twisted around, but then she unspun herself. So it's not like that anymore, but the rules around what your body can and cannot do with this potion are a little confusing. Like, sure, sure, sure. I thought that when she was all tangled up in a knot after falling down the stairs, I really thought she was gonna just stay like that. Um, but she can kind of, um...

Heal. Like night bear before Christmas herself and like rearrange her limbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Bruce is in hysterics. He says, you're in violation of every natural law that I know. You're still sitting there. You're talking to me, but you're dead. And at this, Meryl faints, because I guess she hadn't really thought about the prospect of a breakdown.

I don't know. So at this Bruce runs out of the room. He's looking for another doctor. He's looking for their doctor. He's like, she needs help. Someone help her. She needs help. No one's helping. Then he realizes why. It's because all the doctors are taking care of Sydney Pollock, who has had some kind of heart attack and is like dying. And they're all like doing the chest shocking stuff. And he's flatlining because he can't believe what he just saw.

So shocked. It would be really shocking. It would be very surprising. You would think that something was wrong with your brain. Right. And he gets back into the room and Meryl's gone. No more Meryl. There's just a nurse and he's like,

where's my wife? Where's my wife? And she's trying to calm him down and say, take this moment to grieve. It's okay. It's okay to grieve. And he's like, no, no, but where'd she go? Where did she go? And the nurse is like, she's dead, sir.

They took her to the morgue. And he goes, the morgue, she'll be furious. And then he runs downstairs and he's walking in the hallway to the morgue. And here we have three nuns who are literally floating down the hallway. They are not walking. They're just floating. And that's like a fun little spooky visual. And I just in this moment, I really love Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis is giving it his all in this performance. He looks like a piece of shit. He looks so bad. He has his hair is like all in this performance. He looks like a piece of shit. He looks so bad. He has... His hair is like all over the place. He has this like gross, long mustache. His skin is gray and shiny. He's desperate.

Should we write him an email and tell him that he doesn't need to have that mustache? Oh, yeah, because he has no structural defects on his face. I'm sure, yes, now is the time for us to do that. So he runs into the morgue, all those little refrigeration cabinets, he opens them up, he finds the one that she's in because he can hear her screaming. He pulls her out. And she's in you know, the little black bag unzips her. And she's

like, Oh, screaming. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know where I was.'" And then she realizes she's in a morgue and she gets so mad. And Bruce Willis is like, "'You're a sign, you're an omen, you're a burning bush. This is a miracle. We are being told that we belong together.'" So this is what Bruce Willis has taken from this.

He thinks that they belong together, they're meant for each other. Thunder crashes again. Goldie and I like that. Well, no, Merrill doesn't like it either. Merrill does not look convinced. Meanwhile, Goldie is staking out their house. She's wondering what the hell is going on. She's in an all black leather outfit with a black beret, little black shoes, black leggings, black gloves, the whole thing. Love her commitment to monochrome.

It is so fun with her red hair and her red lipstick. It's great. I just want to look at like stills from this movie forever. So she sees Ernest drive up with what looks like Meryl's dead body in the car. She watches him through the gate. She's using binoculars. He's hauling her body back into the house. She climbs the fence.

And then Bruce comes out and gets back into his car and almost runs her over before speeding off again. So she follows him in her car. We see that Bruce will drive straight to his office. He loads a ton of formaldehyde and other supplies into the back of his car. And then we cut back to his house, where there is quite the setup.

So, Meryl is lounging, she's reading a magazine, her hair is up in a towel, and Bruce Willis is like a man on a mission, an artist with a vision. He's an artist with a vision now. He's covered in paint, He has a little apron on. He is so hyper focused on getting everything right. He's spray painting her body. So this is a spray can tan is what he's giving her full spray can tan because the thing about dying is that

you're gray. Your body no longer looks the right color. So we got to fix that. So he's spray painting her body, then he's painting her face. She's bored, she's asking how long this is going to take. He is so committed. He says, the highlights of your eyes are completely unbalanced.

Do you want people to stare? And then he goes downstairs to get more paint. And who's there in the foyer? Goldie, she's looking pissed. She's saying, Where's Madeline? What have you done with her body? Are you doing something weird with her up there? What are you doing? Because you know, she's dead. She's dead. To Goldie Han. Yeah, she's saying we need to bury her. And Bruce Willis is going she just needs she just needs a minute. We'll just let's just let her rest for a minute. Let's just let her rest for a moment. Let's let her body rest for a moment. And Goldie Hawn is like, what the fuck? Are you talking about? No, we need to go bury her.

Then she starts to tirade about how much she hates her. She says she was a home wrecker. She was a man eater and she was a bad actress. And at this we see Meryl Streep's hand. She's been listening at this. She claws the wall and scratches down the wall with her long nails. And Goldie's in the middle of her tirade and she's interrupted by Meryl on the stairs. Goldie says, she says, why don't you just go up and kiss her on the

and then Meryl says on the face. And Goldie turns and looks at her and she goes, and Meryl says, on the face, and Goldie turns and looks at her, and she goes, and Meryl Streep is like, yes, I'm real, I'm back, I'm alive. You thought you could kill me, you can't. And Goldie just goes, it's alive. So again, using the term, using the, yeah. And Meryl wastes no time, she grabs one of Ernest's shotguns, she goes right up to Goldie Hawn, and she just shoots her right through the stomach.

Big old shotgun blast, big old hole right through the tummy. And Goldie shoots back into the fountain. And Bruce Willis is immediately like, what the fuck? What are you thinking? No, no, no, no, we're all going to jail. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Meryl meanwhile is in a state of calm. She's happily looking at Goldie's body floating face down in the fountain. She says, these are the moments that make life worth living. And Bruce Welles is like, the neighbors, the neighbors will have heard the gunshots. And

Meryl Streep goes, neighbors, neighbors Ernest, in 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor? And she's like, we're gonna bury her in Death Valley, you and I. And he's going, no, no, no. And she goes, otherwise you're going to prison. Do you know what they do to softballed,

overweight Republicans in prison? And I was like- He's a Republican, that's interesting. I know, also a reminder soft-balled, overweight Republicans in prison? And I was like... He's a Republican, that's interesting. I know, also a reminder of a different time, right? And he says, I'll get the shovels. So they start, they get a tarp, they got the shovels, they're starting to, you know, get prepared to have Goldie Hawn's body buried in Death Valley. And while they're bickering, Goldie wakes up

and she rises out of that fountain, full hole through her stomach. The only way to be hot in this movie is that potion, baby. That potion, that potion. There was no hope for her otherwise. Oh my God, a woman like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She was donezo bunzo, baby.

She stares at them fighting. And then she goes, that was totally uncalled for. And Bruce and Meryl are shocked. They look at her, shaking in fear. And then Goldie looks down. She says, I have a hole in my stomach. And then Meryl goes from scared to figuring it out right away.

She like touches the pin on her lapel, which is the pin that Isabella Rossellini gave her earlier. And she sees now that Goldie Hawn is wearing the same one on her shirt. And she goes, you, you also took the potion. And Goldie Hawn is like, how do you know about that? What are you talking about that? What are you talking about? And she goes, I knew it. I knew there was something. I knew it. You took the potion too. And she goes, when did you take it? When did you take it? And she goes, October 19th, 1985, way before you. And then they just start fighting. And Meryl Streep is like, beauty, book my ass. I can see right through you. Cue like a lot of body puns. Fun puns.

Then Goldie hits Meryl right on the head with a shovel, and Meryl's whole skull twists around yet again, and Meryl goes, damn, I just fixed this. She turns it back around. Then Goldie throws her a shovel and says, un-guard, bitch. And then they start doing a sword fight with these shovels. Incredible. And Bruce is like, I'll be upstairs. And he just walks upstairs while they continue to fight in the firelight of this massive fireplace.

And while they're fighting, also another piece of trivia, Meryl Streep accidentally hit Goldie Hawn for real with a shovel during this, and Goldie Hawn has a scar on her face from this fight. Oh no. Which really sucks. They should not have been using real heavy shovels. They must have been using prop shovels, but I guess like...

Meryl just went for it. She always is just giving her all. Wow. So then in the middle of this fight, they finally have the heart to heart that they really just needed to have so long ago, so long ago. So they're fighting each other, but then Meryl's like, this is pointless. This is stupid. We can't even feel pain. Like, what's the point of us even doing this? And Goldie Hawn is like, pain. You don't even know pain. Pain is like Bob

O'Russell and Ernest and she lifts off all the men that I guess Meryl Streep had stolen from her. She goes, those were pain. You stole everyone from me. You stole everyone from me and just to hurt me, just to hurt me. It was never about them. It was always about me. And Meryl Streep was like, well, you thought I was cheap. And Goldie Hawn is like, what are you talking about? She goes, well, you never invited me over to your house. And Colian is like, what, what do you mean? She's like, you didn't want me there because you thought I was trash. Admit it, admit it. And Goldie Hawn is like, well,

we just thought you wouldn't be comfortable over at my house. I mean, I just didn't think you would be used to those kinds of surroundings. And Meryl Streep is like, you fucking bitch. Like you thought I was trash. Like, fuck you. And also Meryl Streep is having this whole conversation while holding her head up physically because her neck is all fucked up so she has to hold her head up and if she drops it

her head like flops over to the side. And so she's like holding her head up and they both look at each other and they sit down at the couch and Goldie Hawn says, I thought you were cheap. And Meryl Streep goes, I hurt you on purpose and I'm really sorry. And Goldie Hawn says, I'm really sorry too. And they're best friends now. So all to go. That's very nice. They're best friends now. They're giggling, they're laughing.

They're having the time of their life. They come up to apologize to Bruce. He's packing up his bags. He says, I'm leaving. I can't stay here anymore. I gotta get out of here. And they say, no, no, we need your help. We need your help, we need you to stay.

They're completely different people at this point. Their personalities have done a pure 180. The planetary alignment must have happened in between. Maybe, that's a good explanation. Get ready, everybody. And he says, fine, I'll help you on one condition that when I'm done, I go. You don't ever think about me again.

You don't call me. You don't try to reach me. I'm gone. Goldie, which I hadn't really noticed before, but her skin is now fully doing the thing that Meryl Streep's had done where it's gray. And also her eyes are so blue. They're very, really huge blue eyes

with this very gray skin. And she clearly needs some help from him to make her look more human. So he keeps his promise. He helps her out. They cut to Marilyn Goldie checking themselves out in the mirror. They're both looking absolutely gorgeous

with their fresh spray can tans. And they're saying, say what you will about Ernest. He's an absolute genius. And then while chatting and laughing, Goldie gets a little ding in her tan and it reveals the gray skin underneath. And they're like, he can't leave. We need him. We need him. What if we will he come back for touch-ups? Do you think I know we can't, we have to respect his wishes't leave. We need him. We need him. Will he come back for touch-ups, do you think? They're like, I know. We have to respect his wishes to leave. Then Goldie Hawn goes, I know. We'll drug him. So they go up to see Ernest, who's about to depart, and they say, we thought you might like some breakfast. And it's a huge glass of scotch with some ice in it on a tray. And he takes the scotch and he seems like he's gonna drink it

but then he starts this whole rambling monologue thing about like how I promised myself I was gonna like live up to myself. I've been disappointing myself so much. Well, you know what? I think I'm living up to everything. I said till death do us part and now I'm partying. You're dead, I'm partying.

I've done my part." And then he's like leaving and he's holding the scotch. And then last minute, he like sloshes it into a plant and he says, you know what? I drink too much too. And so he like starts, he starts walking out. And so they, of course, take the big phos' that are nearby and just knock him over the head, passes out. He wakes up at Isabella Rossellini's. Oh, boy.

And he's in her spooky house. And Isabella Rossellini is totally naked, climbing out of a steaming indoor pool. She is, yeah, she's naked except for her... No, she's just naked. And then her male servants are dressed up in tuxedos without shirts. So full tuxedo, no shirt situation. And...

Swirl boys in suits. Yeah, swirl boys in suits. Shirtless suits. Shirtless swirl boys in suits. And she says... Swirl boys in suits saying shirts. She says... Steaming swimming pool.

She says, I'm sorry, I had to change her outfit. I'm throwing a party upstairs. I do one every spring for my clients. And then her assistants kind of put on her dress for her, which is just a big robe with like a huge iguana-like collar and her boobs and everything are still basically out. And she says, I want to give you a present, the gift of life and youth forever.

And he's confused and not sure what's going on. And she does the same thing she did with Merrill. She stops his hand. He says, what are you doing? And she says, I'm loving you. I'm loving you. And then she brings out the potion, puts it in the cut and it's the same thing,

immediately heals the age spots on his hands. She gives him a whole speech, you know, urging him to take the potion. She says, this is the completion of your life's work. You have given other people youth and wasted your own. You're Don Quixote tilting at nature's windmill. Drink and you'll be able to work and live forever." And he's really close to drinking and about to drink it. And then he goes, then what? And she goes, what do you mean? He goes, it sounds good, but what am I going to do?

Like, what if I get bored? Who am I going to hang out with? And she goes, but you'll never grow old. And he goes, yeah, I'll never grow old. I'll have to watch everyone around me die. This isn't a dream. This is a nightmare. You guys have to be stopped.

And then he gets up and starts to run away. Men get it. Men get it. No, no. Also another thing I'll just flag here, which is like her motivations make no sense. Like she is, she's going to great lengths to convince people to take this potion.

Well, presumably she's charging a hefty fee. That's true, that's true. She's making a shit ton of money from it, but it seems like she has plenty of money. She doesn't necessarily need more money and she's- Well. Yeah, that's true. She's gonna be alive forever.

Yeah, and also once you have that much money, you get the mental illness of thinking you need more money. Exactly. Which they need to have a name for that. Is that our name for it yet? The psychosis of having too much money? Because it exists, clearly. Yeah.

It's just called being a billionaire at this point. There needs to be like a term for it. It's obviously a mental illness. Anyway, so she has that mental illness of needing more money and he won't give it to her. So she gets so mad and she releases her Dobermans after him and Tom, Dick and Harry and he runs away but he goes up into the party. It's packed with black tie attendees. There's a full string orchestra.

The weird doctor from the beginning is giving a toast. He's telling people, you know, just as a reminder for those who staged their own death, please stop popping up in public. We don't need there to be headlines about this. I won't name names, but you know who you are. Wink, wink. And then there's a pans over to Elvis who's standing somewhere in the background. Then Marilyn Goldie, they spot Bruce and the audience running away. They say Heath still looks awful. He must not have taken the potion, but he can't get out of the house because it's been sealed.

So he runs into the elevator, which takes him upstairs. Dobermans chase after him. He escapes, barely escapes them, goes up to the roof. Here we have this dramatic, massive castle structure, turrets, balconies, et cetera. It's thunder, it's lightning. This is just like this final set piece that's so like does not need to be there, but whatever. This is a very dramatic final set piece.

He spots, I guess, a storm drain and thinks that if he can climb over it to it, maybe he can climb down. So he starts climbing over the roof. Just then Goldie and Meryl burst through the door, surprising him, and he loses his grip and he falls down the roof and his suspenders on his tux get stuck on the storm drain and swings him out into a very precipitous drop. He's just hanging by his suspenders, rain coming down. Marilyn Goldie are gripping each other and Goldie says,

do you still have the potion? Do you still have it? And he like feels in his pockets and yes, he does still have the potion? Do you still have it? And he like feels in his pockets. And yes, he does still have it. He takes it out and they're like, drink it, drink it. Otherwise you'll die, you'll die. You have to drink it. And he's like thinking about it.

He's, you know, and then Meryl Streep goes, drink it, you have to. And he looks at her and he's like, no. And he puts the top back on and he says, I'm sorry, dears, you're on your own. And he falls. And he falls, and he falls, and he falls. Very long fall.

And then he crashes through glass and he lands in the indoor swimming pool that Isabella Rossellini was just swimming in. Again, you would for sure die. This is nonetheless, even if you didini was just swimming in, again, you would for sure die. This is nonetheless, even if you did land in a swimming pool, hitting water from this height is like hitting like a concrete wall.

I mean, it's, yeah. But he's fine, not in this world. He also did hit a pane of glass first. That too, which like isn't in the pool whatsoever. No glass to be seen, but he's fine, he's just a little rumpled. His tie's a little askew. And he's wet. And he's wet.

So obviously disgusting. So he looks like shit. He looks like piece of shit. He goes out to the valet section, he takes someone's car and just darts off, just gone. And Isabella Rossellini is saying to them, it would be better for you if you could find him. And so they go looking for him.

Again, the whole like stakes and motivation around this potion are, I know that the point of the movie, but really a weird gaping hole. Just loose. Be really super loose. Well, it's also like, who's doing Elvis's makeup? Just go back into the party and be like, who's your guy? I think the thing is, is that they're not dead.

Like they stayed alive technically. Do you know what I mean? Oh, sure, sure, sure. But this must be a problem with this potion. I mean, this must be a thing that happened. Certainly somebody has died. Of course, they must have. Okay, so we're not going to worry about that too much.

So they go back to the house. Bruce Willis is already gone. They were too late. They missed him. They're hugging each other. They're clutching each other. And they're just saying, I guess, who would have guessed? It's you and me, I guess. It's you and me together, together forever. They're laughing. They're looking looking slightly unwell. And then cut to 37 years later. We are at a church, it's a funeral for Dr. Ernest Menville. A priest is giving the eulogy. He's saying Dr. Ernest Menville always thought that life began

at 50. Because you know because it was at 50 that he met his dear wife Claire and had two sons and four daughters, and then began to spread the message of hope to all of his adopted children around the world. He'll be remembered through the Menville Marriage Center, the Menville Center for Women and of course the Menville AA Clinic. And you know, the church is packed and way in the back are two little characters in full black and black veils over their faces. And they're giggling hysterically, laughing hysterically. And then Goldie Hong kind of like does a little sob and Merrill goes, you're not crying, are you? And then something rips off of Goldie Hawn's

face and she goes, Oh, my eye, my eye. She goes, do you have number nine acrylic? And Merrill Streep goes, No, I don't have it. Do you have it? She goes, No, you had it. You dropped it. She goes, How did you drop a spray paint can? How did you drop it? So they start bickering at each other and they get up and they start leaving because they're going to go look for their makeup that they're missing. And right as they're about to leave though, the priest says like, you know, and Dr. Menville, he discovered the secret to eternal life, which is I don't, I can't remember what he says, something. And then he says, and the secret to eternal youth, having children and grandchildren.

And then Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep look at him, and they both turn and look at each other and they go, blah, blah, blah. They walk out of the church continuing to bicker. And then they're fighting Goldie Hawn at the top of stairs. The church has the same moment Meryl Streep did earlier where her heels get stuck in the stairs in that funny way. And Meryl Streep goes to poke her, but before she can do it, Goldie Hawn grabs her hand and drags her down with her. They fall down these steps, all their body parts completely break apart.

Arms, legs, nothing is attached anymore. There's no blood. There's just body parts littered everywhere. And then their heads roll together, and Goldie Hawn says, "'Do you remember where you parked the car? And that's the end of the movie. Oh, boy. It is very silly.

And I can see why it didn't do well in the box office because it's too, it's like a little too... I don't know if like stringent is the right word. It's like not, the tone isn't quite consistent. Like it's like, it's like kind of upsetting at points in a way that make it hard to see it as a comedy, you know? Which is I know the point of a black comedy, but like it kind of needs to lean in one direction

or the other. It's doing too much of both tone. If you're looking for a movie that is doing too much of multiple tones, might I suggest you check out the movie Ghost? Oh yeah, yes. I think the 90s were unsure.

Oh, definitely. Of, you know, life was too good. Life was too good. We had it too good. So they had it too good. Didn't have to pick Elaine. I can't wait to rewatch Ghost. I would love to see this though.

I would really love to see this movie. It's so fun. It's just so silly. Yeah, just like completely over the top ridiculous. And I mean, in the hands- I love how great actors do that. I was gonna say in the hands of just like some of the best there is.

Yeah, that's fun. These three just fucking absolutely knocking it out of the park. Yeah, they're the best. Oh, I wanna watch more Goldie Hawn movies. It made me really wanna just watch everything she's ever been in. Yeah. She're the best. Oh, I want to watch more Goldie Hawn movies. It made me really want to just watch everything she's ever been in. Yeah, she's really wonderful. And then, yeah, also, like, ahead of its time in some way,

trying to make the point that, like, society puts an impossible task on women, trying to force them to be young forever, or else they lose their worth and the pitfalls of believing that and how that is. And I feel like, yeah. I wonder if it is intentionally doing the thing of a man can start his life at 50 and have kids.

And I don't know if it knows that it's saying that. I don't think that that was intentional. I think that they didn't realize they were making that point. Yeah, okay, cool. A man can be like, actually I'm young and I'm gonna start now, and a woman's like,

well, I literally physically can't do those things that you get to start doing now. Although I will say, even if a man has a kid at 50, you're gonna be tired as fuck taking care of those toddlers. It's like... Yeah, no, no, yeah, for sure. You are not... But it doesn't matter to them because probably

they have a gazillion other people taking care of the kids. They don't actually have to take care of them, so who cares? Well, and it's also like not... Or like making the point that youth and beauty are not what are valued as much in men. It's like, look at the man's achievements and the mark he's left on the world. And yeah, were the women hot enough?

Exactly, that's the main question. That's the main question. How fucking sad is that? How much ice cream did they eat and what utensils did they use when they did it? Really fascinating. I actually now that yeah, I would like to read people's thoughts on this movie and unpacking it because it is yeah, an absolute cult classic. It's a Broadway show now, right?

It's a Broadway show. Yes. Oh, yes. I saw that. It has had like a very lasting appeal in a way that. It's got that Sabrina Carpenter video. Yes, I know. That's right, Sammy really wanted us to watch the Sabrina Carpenter. I did watch the Sabrina Carpenter video,

so I was a little bit. Taste, right, is the name of the song? Yes, taste. If you wanna watch it, inspired by this movie. I think the thing that was most interesting about, or had the most potential to be interesting in the film, is their reconciliation. And that was so brief and quick

that if that had just been played out a little bit more, it would have made, it would have given a little more depth to the film. Also, I thought that... I thought there was a chance with Death Becomes Her being the title, that the point was that Meryl Streep dying depth to the film. The person who gets the most character development is Bruce Willis in his death off screen through this monologue or through this eulogy, which kind of is fun, but also kind of sucks. Yeah, I definitely don't love him being the only person

who's like, oh, but what if there's something more than being hot forever? Right, right. And yeah, the benefit of like, the only male character being allowed the option to be ugly the whole time. And like, it doesn't matter and he's able to achieve so much.

I think all of that is intentional. I mean, I think that that's part of the point. And it's like, yeah, same as a substance. It's like, this is not a movie about character development. It's like, they're caricatures and it's like, this is not a movie about character development. It's like their caricatures and it's like a, because it's like, this is what it is. Not morality tale, but like a warning. It's just like a fable satire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to, yeah. I want to explore this more. I want to watch it and then I want to read

what people have to say about it. And I want to like hear what, what Meryl and Goldie have to say about it. I know. Because that seems fascinating. I bet it was so fun. I bet they had a fucking blast. Yeah, minus the shovel to the head. Right, that part was probably... One thing Meryl also said is that this was a movie,

the first movie she'd done with so much CGI, and she promised that she would never work on a film with CGI because she hated it so much having to deal with it. And that made me want to revisit her filmography to be like, Oh, yeah, she like really avoided films that would have CGI in them. Yeah. I mean, I can't really think of one maybe into the woods, which is probably cool. It's cool.

Because like, so many actors, that's not the case. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it was fun. I was happy to watch it. And it's also, yeah, like Emily should watch it just for the sets and the outfits and stuff. It's just, it's just very visually over the top as well.

Fun. That was great. Yeah. Yeah. So. Great job, Hen. Thanks for that. That was a really good time.

A bright spot in my otherwise very dark, dark reality. Yeah. I love you guys so much. Love you so much. We love you listeners. Let us know in the comments about the planets aligning. We'll talk more about that next week. Something that I gotta be thinking about.

Something to be thinking about. And we love you forever. I don't know, voices. That French accent? Oh yeah. Fake French accent. A fake French accent. Bonjour. For all of us here. Oui.

That was not right. From all of us here at Too Scary Didn't Watch. That was good. Got a little German there in the end. That was really good. That was really nice. Au revoir. Au revoir.

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