Too Scary; Didn't Watch - THE WITCHES

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

Come to hear how disrespectfully witches are portrayed, stay to discover if Henley ever finds understanding with Mr. Bean!Movie & Guest Intro @ 23:25Trivia @ 35:10Recap starts @ 41:00All Hellchella video episodes will be available on our Patreon!Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content!Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy.Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy. And you're listening to Too Scary Didn't Watch. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Too Scary Didn't Watch, the horror movie recap podcast for those too scared to watch for themselves. I'm Emily and I am too scared to watch scary movies. I'm Henley and I'm also too scared to watch scary movies. And I'm Sammy and I love watching scary movies.

So I watch them so that you don't have to. Sometimes. Sometimes. Not all the time. Not during necessary, not during two thirds of Held Chella three, triples is best. Correct.

Because this summer series, each of the three of us is recapping three different films that, that we may or may not be on the same topic. And we got a freaking handling movie today. Oh my God. These episodes are also available on our Patreon as video. episodes and we do have merch coming soon. We promise. We promise. We're closer than we've ever been.

I'm really excited. I'm going to wear it every day in my life, actually. I think it's so cool. I'm really excited about it. Yeah. I love it. If you want to jump straight to our episode, there are timestamps in the show notes. But first, Emily and Henley, will you tell me if anything scary happened to you this week? Something scary did happen to me yesterday. Tell us. Oh, I have a feeling. Oh. You already know, Sammy. No, she doesn't. No. I mean, I don't think.

Oh, but you just sensed. If she knows, she intuited. She intuited. And when you find out what it is, it's going to be really funny if she did intuit it. Which is that. No, it's, so yesterday morning, morning like any other, getting ready for the day. Joel and I were going to go out and run some errands. We're getting ready to run.

I interpreted that as you guys were about to go out for a run. And I was really. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Confused. No, me too. I was like, finish the sentence. Finish the sentence quickly, Emily.

What are you talking about? Literally never. The day that I'm like, Joel and I left in the morning to go for a run, call the police. We'll do a wellness check. We've been body snatched. It's not us. No, we're going to run some airs. We're going to go to the store.

First, we're going to go get some coffee. So it's like, it's early. We're getting ready to go. We're in our separate bathrooms because we have separate bathrooms now. It's fucking awesome. And we're getting ready for the day. I had used the bathroom. not long ago, but I was no longer using the bathroom.

I was in my room. Joel used the bathroom. Everything's normal. Flesh the toilet. Everything's normal. I'm in my bedroom. He's coming out to like go for us to leave and go get coffee and we start hearing this sound. Like a crazy gruggling like from the bones of the house sound.

And I'm in my room, which is like the far corner of the house. So I'm sort of like hearing it, but I'm like, is that outside? Like what's happening? But then it gets louder and then it starts to sound like a geyser. And I'm like, Joel, what is that? And he comes from his coroner. I'm like, I don't know. And water is geysering out of every toilet.

No. Of which we now have three. Oh, no. So from every toilet, water is from like deep in the pipes shooting out. Thankfully, you guys both took huge shit. Yeah. And they met in the middle and clogged. Can you fucking imagine?

Truly, like, I... In my head, that's exactly what happened. You can't convince me otherwise. Did we do something horrible? But no, I can report with honesty. Everything was normal. But thankfully, my toilet seat and Joel's toilet seat were both down, but the guest bathroom,

the toilet seat was up. So I didn't actually see this happen. But Joel went in to see water, like, shooting, like... Oh my God. out into the bathroom. Yes, full yellowstone. Shut the toilet. There's water everywhere.

He goes outside to be like, I guess I'm going to turn the water off until this stops. He goes out front to turn the water valve. He turns the water valve. Another guy from the front yard, geysering onto my car. Wait, from where? Just somewhere in the front yard?

I don't know. But then it all stops. Which is like not on, not his doing. It just like all stops. back inside we're like what the fuck just just happened it stinks

thankfully it's not like sewage but it is just like pipe water like it's like yeah it's like stinky yeah and mind you today we're having people over so we were like going to run errands to like prepare our home to have people over and thankfully it was before I cleaned the whole house

but shocking nonetheless did you have a plumber Joel texts our landlord we're like doing some quick research and it's like it's not it's not anything we did it's not a big shit it's just like something like probably trapped event or something and it's like air had gotten stuck and then it just like fucking shot through and so we we text our landlord and we're like hey so this just happened and he was like uh yeah that happened once

before did they do any work on the sewers in like the area recently like are they doing work on the sewers and joles like i think i did see a maintenance car there and he was like yeah that happened once when we lived there and there was a guy doing maintenance outside so I went on and asked and he was like ah yeah that can happen sometime and that's like that's all the information we've gotten is like yeah that can happen sometimes you know and he was like just try

flushing the toilets again and see if it happens like what interesting and everything was fine and everything's fine everything's been fine for you know 28 hours so fingers crossed I mean we again like brace yourself Sammy tonight might get crazy yeah there is a house Swarming party tonight. Imagine all three toilets are being used by your guests and the guys are

most shoots up and you guys fly up into the ceiling. Could happen. It could happen. It would be memorable. People would remember that night forever. It was just really surprising. It was just really surprising. And really what was so surprising to me is like I heard it and I saw the aftermath. But whatever Joel saw really rocked him all day. He was so thrown. by that having happened, like in the moment he was like, it was like a possession. Like I think he like genuinely scared. It does seem like a horror movie or yeah, like a haunted house. The sound was really crazy. It was just really, it's just like not a thing you expect to happen. This house was built in the 60s. We're like on a hill. I don't know. I just feel like there's like some weird stuff that could make that have happened.

But it really, it really shook him in a way that was unexpected. Oh. So I guess like this is, I don't know. Time will tell. Maybe. Maybe. the house is in fact possessed, but I hope not. Thoughts and prayers. You would have felt it by now. I think I would have felt it by now. And the thing is like, that's kind of a funny haunting. Yeah.

I didn't love it. But like if that's as bad as it gets, like, that's kind of funny. That's a prankster. You know, so we'll see. Anyway, anything's scary happy to you guys this week? Oh. I'm going to fall asleep. Yes.

Yes. something scary did happen to me, which is, do you guys remember how we were going to buy a new car? Uh-huh. I tell you about that. So we were going to do it through Carvana.com. Okay. I'm familiar. I did a commercial once for Carvana in my acting days.

They flew me to Chile. Wait, what? To shoot in a parking lot. Wait, what? I forgot about that story. And it was shot by a guy who shot some episodes of Game of Thrones. Holy shit. And you were like, I've made it.

Well, no, it was non-union. I made like $400 bucks. But I went to Chile, which was pretty cool, 40 hours. Anyway, continue, Carvana. So huge. We really need to do a deep dive into that experience, Emily. But, yeah, so just because it's the easiest, you can do it all online. They give you like a quote for your car and then you can trade it in and...

Sponsor right, Carvana. Yeah, this is Brunsbrat Carvana. I'm sure that's where this is going to lead. Only positive. Only positives coming out from the rest of the story. So we, Tim and I had, like, chosen a car. We were like literally in the process of purchasing the car. We're like, we're doing it.

Everything's happening. All good. Then you get to a part where you have to confirm the odometer reading on your car. Your current car. Because you're trading it in. Because yeah, exactly. You're trading it in. So they want to like make sure you're not lying about the number of miles that are on it.

So we immediately run into an issue because auto check on Experian tracks your mileage. So I guess every time you go in for like a state. emissions test or something, they like write down your mileage and then they put it into a system that then like is available to anyone who looks up the VIN number of your car. So our car has 69,000 miles on it. Nice. I know. I know. But for the auto check on Experian, it says 93,000 miles. And it's because while playing in the car, Silas and May turned our entire system to kilometers. And we've never known how to change it back. And so, well, no, that's not true.

It recently was changed back. They changed it back. But since the last- 93,000 kilometers on it. So it has 93,000, yeah, but they recorded it as miles. So that's like... So this is a huge discrepancy.

Yeah, that's annoying. But like, we're like, okay, I'm sure there's a way for us to fix this. Tim calls, for sure. Tim calls Experian. And the person is like, because also we like take pictures. of the odometer. We're like, this is just, this is what happened. You can always trust a photo.

Yeah, we trust us. We live in an age of everything you see being real. So, so the guy on the other end, though, is like, he's like, man, you know, I wish I could help you out. And like normally, I feel like maybe I'd be able to. But when you changed your title in 2023, so when we like moved to Connecticut and had to get new license plates, it listed here that your mileage is 140,000 miles. Oh, no. I was like, what the actual fuck is going on? I also, you also just loved you here. Someone like, man, I wish I could help you out.

I wish I could. He's like, it's 140,000 miles here. And we're like, where is that number coming from? Because when we bought the car in 2021, there were 31,000 miles on it. Then it sat in New York City for two years. They definitely just added a one. They added a one. Oh, my God.

They for sure added a one. So, long story short. We couldn't fucking sell our car. We still have our, I'm so sick of this car. It's actually Emily. Could you bring it to like a place in person? They could just like look at it and be like, yep. So no.

We have to go through this multi-week long process with the DMV where basically we have to like go to the DMV. Oh, because they have provide all of our like original paperwork or the original title, the new title, all the like state admission test. We have to like gather all of this paperwork. Then we have to go and then I guess at the DMV they like check it and approve it. But this, like, you know, this is a scam. People run this scam all the time.

And so they're trying to avoid people. But it's just so frustrating because we're not scammers. Yeah. We're not scamming anyone. You're scammies. We're being scammed by accident. And Emily, I'm feeling the way how you guys felt like when you're moving out of your apartment though or it's like, just get me the fuck out of this apartment.

Like it's like, I never want to get in that car again. You just like throw this car like off a fucking bridge. Like I need to be done with this car. I was willing to. to sell it saying it had 93,000 miles on it. I was like, let's just like, let's just fucking get rid of this thing. But now it's, no, now we still have it. It's so disgusting. Every time Silas gets in the car, he goes, it stinks in here. And it does stink in there because there are like two children who have just left their snacks and they're like treats and like various juice boxes

and like wet bathing suits. It's just so fucking gross. Well, Silas, let's consider this a lesson. Why do you think it stinks in here. Hmm? Who stunk it up? Also, to be fair, it's mostly May from throwing out from getting car sickness too. There's that part too. Well, Silas had a fair share of car sick. Yeah, excuse me.

I know, I know. How quickly we forget. In recent years, it has mostly been May because she refuses to take the Dramamine. Silas will eat it. She can tell she sniffs it out a mile away. We put it in like a popsicle and she's like, why are you giving me this popsicle? I fucking know what you're doing and she won't eat it. Anyway, so we still have our car. I'm so sorry. It's making me sad.

It's going to take a long time to fix. It's so infuriating that kind of stuff because it's just like, I, like, just trust me. Why? And they're like, no. And it's like up there. This is just like annoying for annoying to say. Just write something in the computer.

Just do something. Like, please. Fix it on your end. You should be able to. Yeah. It's a tedious. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's very annoying.

I know. So no Toyota Rav 4 for me yet quite. Dang it to Rav 4. Me, my reliable Toyota Rav 4. She's a mom of two. Give her her Rav 4. I just want it. I want it so bad.

Oh. Sammy. Well, Henley, mine is something that you've spoken about before. I got a lymphatic drainage facial, though. Oh, see, that's what I wanted. and then the lady was like too much too much. It was crazy. Well, tell me about it.

Tell me about it. I won't be doing it again. Whoa, wait. Tell me why. I have one booked. Did you put her hands like in your mouth? Yeah, the hands go in the mouth, which I did the non in your non hands in your mouth version. Yeah.

That might be okay. The hands in the mouth was definitely the worst part. Yeah, I don't want that. You know, mixed feelings. Mixed feelings to report. It was like interesting. The woman was lovely. The place was lovely.

But I just, you just don't get face massages very often. I like had not experienced a face massage of this magnitude ever in my life. Did it hurt? And yes, but they're always, like with all massages, they're like, it should never hurt. But I'm like, yeah, but it always does. And I feel like if it doesn't. hurt a little bit, you're not like doing it right. Like that's just you like lightly pressing on my you're not actually accomplishing anything. But I guess lymphatic is supposed to just be light pressing.

That's true. It's all drainage. It's supposed to just drain, drain, drain all the toxins in your face. It's like also like what toxins. I know. It's a big game. It's like it feels like I'm being well limbs. I'm being hoaxed. I know that lymph nodes are real and that and you can build up stuff. But I am aware that I'm being lied to while participating in the lie. I'm like, yeah, but it's going to make me like really skinny. And you're like, I'm going to pay you hundreds of dollars to lie to me and I'm going to believe the lie. I'm going to feel light as a feather afterwards for as long as my brain allows. I do think it feels better afterwards, but the during, during.

How long was it? It was 80 minutes. A face only? No, I got, I had belly as well. a belly add on the belly it does feel strange because it people don't touch your belly yeah unless it goes wrong yeah there were parts in the belly part that were also a little disconcerting where it's like I don't think you're supposed to be stop in there that deep stop touching it um but yeah wow hands in the mouth you have to you have to like keep your teeth

clothes. They do like, like, centa bites from, from, yeah, I'm like picturing like, she like creatures from beetles. Does she put something in your mouth or does she, does her hands are doing that? Use hands, gloves, but hands. Yeah. And, uh, is like really massaging your, like, cheeks. And really going to town. And my mouth hurt so bad after in the way that like, when you get a massage, you can like really be in pain. Soar sometimes. Yeah. Soar. Like, I feel. Like, I feel. felt like my facial muscles were just so sore. And they actually do feel like better today. Because you do have a lot of jaw tension. I have TMJ. And so I was like, get in there and help me with my TMJ. And that's like what it's advertised as. It's like a TMJ. Good for TMJ. So, and I will say I think it did help with the TMJ.

Like usually in the mornings my jaw, because I like clench my jaw at night. And so the mornings my jaw is really stiff and sore and it hasn't been since I got it. But that said, I was very uncomfortable the whole time. And it's really expensive. So I don't think I'll be doing it again. But what an interesting experience it was, just someone absolutely going to town in your mouth. And you're like, this is, you're like, I paid for this and this is supposed to be relaxing. I am really crazy recently I had like a massive breakout and I went and I got a facial and so she had to do like so many extractions normally I'm like down with extractions because I'm like yeah get it out of my face but it was so much and all in the same area that I had every now and again maybe we'll get little like tufts of fur that she can't really quite reach on her on her hindquarters because she's old and has arthritis and all really like lock in and want to like and I do have like the gentle brush that's supposed to, but she just, she's not having it usually.

Yep. And I, but I'm like, I like, I try to just hold her and I like do it and I do little tuffs. And she's at it, she always hits a point where she's like, fucking get off me. And like, that's how I felt at a certain point during the facial where I was like, you have to stop. You just start swatting her. Yeah.

It is really crazy to be like, I paid for this. I chose this. I'm an adult. But I, but still like stop. You have to stop. And you can't even tell them to stop if they're inside your mouth. And you wouldn't. I mean, I can't even imagine, but like, you probably wanted to. It's like, again, we've talked about this before, but the thing in our brains that just prevents us from announcing when we're uncomfortable, she many, many times was like, let me know if pressure's ever too hard. Let me know if anything hurts. It's not supposed to hurt. I'm just quietly bearing it.

Accepting my face. Out, out, out. Out. Well, it's also like, how are you supposed to communicate that? You know, like someone tell me how. You also don't want her to like suddenly basically stop doing it. That's right. That's what I'm, I want to get my money's worth. Right. You want your money's worth.

Like, you make it hurt. And then I'm also like, what am I going to make it weird? Right. I'm going to make it weird. It's like to be an awkward tension in the room. That we're both going to be uncomfortable.

Like I don't want to. I'm sure not. I once in a massage made like a face because it was like when I was on my back and and it did like whatever she did like really hurt. And I involuntarily went like, And she went, how was the pressure? I went, it's good. It's good.

Like, she, like, fully knew I had just experienced, like, a pain that made me involuntarily react. And I was like, you're so good. Everything's great. Like, that would have been my chance. No, no. And it's anything. It's hard, you guys. It is hard.

But did it make you feel, like, absolutely 10 pounds lighter? No. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. People swear by it. And I did have it done once. and I was like, whoa, the body, not face. And I'm like, I'll try it again.

Do they do like more body than just belly normally? Yeah, yeah, they did the whole body. In fact, the part that was actually really fun. And again, I'm like, am I being lied to? I think this woman actually believes it, which like, good, you should. That's what you do. That's your job. You should believe in it.

But she did one leg and then she had been lifted up. And then she was like, lift up the other leg. And I was like, whoa, yeah, the other leg feels heavier. Oh, my God. Kind of like when you put pressure on your arm and then you like lift it up, like kind of kind of felt like that. Yeah, I mean, I buy, I buy lymphatic drainage as like a concept. I don't know that I buy it for hundreds and hundreds of dollars for the aesthetic aspect of it. Correct. Yeah, it's very, it is very medically useful, I believe, for people whose lymph nodes do not drain properly

or who don't, if you like had some removed for, you know, any, any number of reasons, medical of reasons like, you know, lymphatic massage is like a real thing. But it is interesting. It's like, feels very much a fad that it's become like an aesthetic thing that we all like need to do aesthetically. I bought a lymphatic drainage body brush when Henley was talking about that. And I can do that because that's now free after price of brush. After price of pressure. I love doing it at home. After price of brush. Sammy, you gave me the little face ones. And I love them. I use them all the time. It does. My facelist does like some little, she'll do like some little presses. And it's like, that feels really nice. That's just like an enjoyable little moment. Yeah. I will say they're definitely

doing something because for anyone who missed the episode where I talked about my experience getting a lymphatic massage, I then had, I guess, three glasses of wine that night and was the most hungover I've been since like college. Too many toxins. Toxin overload. It fucked. It fucked me up. Like in a crazy way. That was important to keep in mind. I did my old co-worker, former co-worker, got a lymphatic trainer to touch with the first time before her wedding. And afterwards was like, I was shitting my pants all day. Yeah. I was like so scared to be in my white dress shitting my pants. And I just always think about that.

Yep. And you know, at your own risk. Right before your wedding that you haven't done before. Yeah, it's tough to do something, which is why presumably you did it now, Sammy. Yes. We're given ourselves. We're testing things out. And great.

I can now. Now I'm saving money because I don't have to do it again. Now what I really did was save money back in your pocket. And more money to do something else, more money for makeup. Exactly. I have to spend that money elsewhere. You have that credit for future. That is how my brain works.

Yep. That's how my brain works. Okay, should we talk about this movie, you guys? Yes, Emily, what are we doing today? Okay, I am doing the recap today, everyone. So my secret obsession is scrolling on the real real.com. I spend so much time doing this, you guys. It's kind of embarrassing.

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the movie The Witches. It came out in 1990, directed by Nicholas Rogue, written by Alan Scott, based off the children's novel by Roald Dahl, starring Angelica Houston, My Zetterling, Jason Fisher, Rowan Atkinson and Bill Patterson. He has been in so many fucking things. He's like the definition of that guy. He was the dad in flea bag. That's the only thing that I, but he has 164 credits and it's like, damn, that's a lot. Yeah, he's been a shit ton of stuff. Jim Henson was an executive producer. It was the last film he worked on before he died. The budget was 11 million. Box office was 15 million. So it was technically a box office failure, but it lives on as a cult classic. Um, 6.8 on IMDB, 7.5.8 on IMDB. 7.000.

been pointed on Metacritic and 94% on Rotten Tomatoes. Wow. Incredible. And you can rent or purchase it online. Have you guys seen this movie? What's your familiarity with this movie? I actually have not. What? I have not. You're probably too scared. I was too scared for sure. It's really scary for kids. Yeah, it does come up a lot. I feel like when we ask people, if anything I scared them as kids, because it is theoretically a kid's movie and there is some pretty disturbing stuff in it. But I haven't seen it in a long time. So I don't really remember other than like kind of

the main thing that happens. Broadstrokes. Did you guys read the book or were you guys fans of Roaldol growing up? I read a few of his books. I can't remember if I read this one. Not this one. Another thing I will say is it something that really freaky-old. me out as a kid was James and the Giant Peach.

My movie scared me. So I think World Doll is scary for me in my mind. Very scary. I have the strongest memories of BFG. I feel like I read that one multiple times. Yes. I can picture like every single cover of his books. Did I read them?

Not sure. Is Matilda also him? Yep. Yeah. And Matilda also fucking scared me. So. Trunch Bull was fucking scary. scary. Is that the one where they have the like Iron Maiden? Yes. They put a child in Iron Maiden. Yes. And swing a girl around by her pigtails. And then release her. Just let her fly off into nothing. And also all of the children are always like their parents are dead and they're being neglected by the people who are supposed to be taking care of them. Or they're being like actively killed by a chocolate factory man.

Right. Right. So. Actively killed by a chocolate factory man. You know the one. Human tested on. So, okay, so Roll Doll, we should just get this. Let's just get this out of the way first before we go get into this film. First of all, I just want to say that Roll Doll, he was like a cornerstone of my childhood. I think I read every single Roaldol book growing up and was obsessed with them. They were really scary.

And I was like kind of shocked to go back and read like, I started reading the BFG with Silas. I read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to him. Really scary. I mean, that's the scariest one. The Charlie and Chocolate Factory, weirdly, I think, might be the least scary just because there's... Well, of the adaptations for me, it was actually the scariest. And you know, I've already talked about this in the package.

Guess which part is the actual scariest for me? When she turns into a blueberry? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The body stuff is not okay. The body stuff, the body horror. The body horror.

I just remember being like, she's going to be like that forever. Yeah. I'm like, I was like I'd rather be dead. Like, then live my life out as a blueberry. And is one of these the one that is Henley's scariest thing where someone gets trapped in a painting or is that not related to Roaldol? That's this. That's this.

Sorry. Sorry. We'll get there. We got there. No, no, no. I'm just saying, well, doll's fucking scary. That is really scary to me. That fucked me up as a kid reading that.

If I had seen it or read it, I'd, would also have been fucked up. Well, I don't know. I guess I was very brave as a child because I didn't bat an eye reading these books. But then I was rereading the BFG or starting to. And then I had to stop because Silas was scared. And I was like, this is too scary. Literally it's such to the real giants in it. Most of them are mean. Exactly. Most of them are mean. Most of them want to like eat children and kill them and trap them and hurt them. And there just happens to be one friendly giant. Yeah. So that's really. what the story's about. But like it starts with a girl. She's in like an orphanage already. She doesn't

have a family and she's awake at night, scared. And then suddenly this huge creature just like shows up at her window and kidnaps her. And that's how the whole, that's how the book starts. And so Roaldall did not shy away from there being like serious villains, serious consequences for children, did not show me away from the fact that like adults like hate children sometimes and like we want to hurt them. Right. Yeah. Sorry. I just learned that Fantastic Mr. Fox is also Roaldol. Yeah. Fantastic Mr. Fox. And Fantastic Mr. Fox is not scary at all, I don't think.

Yeah. I watch that with Silas. So so here's here's the unfortunate thing about Roll Doll, which I've discovered now as an adult and like looking into it more for this recap. He was a known misogynist, known anti-Semitic. He said racist things. He said fatphobic things. He was like an unpleasant, cruel man from what I can gather. There is a podcast. It's also six foot six.

Wow. Holy shit. Too tall. He was a spy. He was an inventor. He was, he wore a lot of hats. Literally your figure. Those are probably

He's British He's worth so many hats And yeah There's a there's a podcast That I'm kind of curious about That came out this year That's like a deep dive into him And also brings on people to discuss

Like his legacy And also dive further into this Really tricky question of separating The art from the artist And I was just feeling sad today as I was putting my notes together for this and reflecting on like jK rallying and harry potter and now like rolled doll and all of these books it just feels like over and over again these like huge things from my childhood are just now looking back on them tarnished because of

who their authors were and like how terrible their character ended up being and i want to listen this podcast i also want this is just such an interesting topic that i want to dive into more because obviously I think that we should acknowledge it and we should contextualize it and talk about it. But there's like a stream of thought too. There's like a there's like a subsection of people who also argue that we should just like disregard all these books and like not talk about them and not read them or not have them be present in our lives at all. And sometimes that argument just feels almost as dangerous as just reading them without context or reading them without like. like, you know, editing them in certain ways. I don't know. I think that's something I want to think about more.

But I don't, I don't know. It's also, yeah, I think especially things that were meaningful in one's childhood. It's like, I believe both can be true that it, that the experience of, of like, being moved by, impacted by that art as a child, that experience can hold value. you still while acknowledging the greater understanding now of the faults of the person that like that's okay to not lose the good parts the magic like the things that were true to you and in your childhood and in your life i think too like we're not why am i even still talking i was about to say some fucking shit about jacobiling which is like a not a thing i want to talk about but it's different too when the person is still living and profiting and doing harm with those profits

is to me slightly different than like again don't listen to me and scream at me if you want but like you're reading BFG to your son like a book you already own that meant something to you that you're like reading to your child in his childhood to me is different than like buying Harry Potter merchandise that goes into J.K. Rowling's pocket to then, like, be given to anti-trans organizations. A thousand percent. Yes. Yes. There is a difference there. No. And, you know, they're just really, they're really unique, like, textured worlds that are

sad to leave behind. I mean, he was, like, a very interesting, unique writer. And so enduring, like, the witches, they just made another fucking remake of the which is, Mel Tilda is now a Broadway musical. Like, it's like, these stories have continued well, well beyond. And so there is something to... Yeah. The power of those stories in and of themselves. Yeah.

And I mean, this movie is... I watched it as a kid. I can't believe I wasn't scared of it as a kid. Well, but you were scared of the painting part. That part scared me more in the book. But it is in the film in the very beginning. This is neither here nor there, do you just want to say that I know Roll Doll's granddaughter, and it adds to my, like, confusion

about everything. You know her? What do you mean you know her? I don't. I mean, I wouldn't, like, say that we're friends, but we lived in San Francisco at the same time and we're in each other's orbits. And what did she say? Did she speak openly about her grandfather all the time in front of you? You know, we didn't really, we didn't really get in. Look, a lot of our grandfathers were shitty people. Not all of them had massive cultural impacts, but a lot of our. our grandfathers did bad things. Some of our grandfathers did have massive behind the scenes impact on things and we're bad people.

Just saying, you know, we are not our grandfathers. No, of course not. I was mostly just thinking about it because you mentioned the podcast series and now I'm like, I kind of want to listen to that. I wonder if any of the family was a part of that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't look into it.

I don't, I never had any of those conversations with her. I don't know her relationship with that legacy. Right. But I'm curious now. Yeah. I didn't know this about Roald doll until just now, Henley. So it's good that we're talking about it. I had like kind of here and there, you know, seen things and been like, okay, this is on my radar.

But I hadn't really looked into it until this movie. And it was unfortunately. Unfortunately, nothing is like. like surprising. Oh, exactly. I was like, okay, just like everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Feels a little sad. But, okay, moving on. We'll just go some of this as I get through the recap as well, but let's do some trivia. We're going to watch the trailer after. Okay. Okay. So during the shoot, Rowan Atkinson. Ackinson is. Mr. Bean? Yeah, do I know who Rowan Ackinson is? Because I personally didn't know his name. I was like, oh, it's Mr. Bean. That's a name. It is. It is a name.

not an expected name. That's a name I know it. But once you know it, you know it. Once you know it, you know it. Yeah, Mr. Bean and a standout scene in love actually. Oh, of course. He had not actually debuted the character of Mr. Bean yet. That would happen later this year in 1990.

But he's playing Mr. Bean in this film. Like he is Mr. Bean in this film. Right. He's basically always playing Mr. I mean, my God, if you can be Mr. Bean, you have to always be Mr. Bean. Bean. Mr. Bean, we have we. ever talked about Mr. Bean. I feel like I don't really know any. His name is Mr. Bean. What's the, you guys, honestly, what is the deal with Mr. Bean? What is the deal with Mr. Bean? What is the deal with Mr. Bean?

Like what? He's just kind of weird. And we're ever getting like context on why Mr. You're right. Like why. Why is he this way? Why doesn't they talk? What's he about? Why do people love him so much? I might have to revisit some Mr. Bean. Henley, do you not love Mr. Bean? Do you not for Mr. Bean to be the funniest thing you've ever seen? No, unfortunately not. Really? You don't think Mr. Bean is funny.

No, not at all. No. Never did. No. Now, to be fair, I haven't, I have not watched Mr. Bean in probably 25 plus years. But I remember a dying, it fucking hit for me. I feel like I probably just didn't see it at the right time in my life. Like God, I'm actually, I will be pulling up a Mr. Bean like best hits compilation video

watching it later. And I bet you, I bet you it's going to work for me. A childish, naive and delightfully eccentric buffoon who solves everyday tasks through bizarre and unusually complex schemes. That's Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean, greatest moment. I think that he just freaked me out, you guys. Is that really? Yeah, he's a little scary. I like, no, I don't know.

No. He's not for you. Nah. Well, okay, so, but listen to how Mr. Bean this is. During the shoot, Rowan Atkinson left the bathtops running in his room while he took a nap. Someone knocked. They could tell that there was like water running. He told them to go away.

He was sleeping. And it flooded the entire hotel. And the flood ended up writing off much of the production team's electrical equipment on the floor below. I don't know. That's what it says. So there's like a full, he flooded the hotel during production. That's a bummer. That's very Mr.

Bean thing to do. Isn't it? I don't know, you guys. I just like, she hates Mr. Bean. What's his deal? It feels like the vibes are off. Interesting.

So at the time, Angelica Houston was dating Jack Nicholson who frequently phoned the hotel and sent huge bouquets, much to the excitement of the staff. Much to the excitement. Mm-hmm. The elaborate makeup effects for Houston's Grand High Witch took six hours to apply and another six to remove. So this is something that is considered anti-Semitic are the makeup effects. There's like a lot of traditional anti-Semitic tropes in the witches. In the witch portrayal?

Got it. I mean, yeah. So the prosthetics included a full face mask hump, mechanized claws, and a withered collarbone. A withered collarbone. I know. It sounds awful. Then there was a green vapor used extensively throughout the film, and it obscured the contacts in Houston's eyes because she also had to wear purple contacts. Oh, wow.

And she had to have her contacts regularly flushed out by an expert. Oh, yeah. Expert on staff flushing out those purple eyes. You can't just have anyone flushing out your eyes. Yeah, that has to be an expert. Angelica Houston's astonishing look in this film, help director Barry Sondon, Feld convinced Paramount Pictures to let him cast her as Mortisha and Adam's family. Seems crazy that they would need to be convinced.

I was going to say, why would they need to be convinced? Here's my argument. She's Angelica Houston. Just look at her. They didn't want to cast her. They agreed, but only if the actor who played Gomez was at least the same height, which is also another thing. Too tall?

Yeah, she's just too tall. She's six. She's six. She's six feet, I think. That's tall. And this movie definitely has some fucked up scenes in it for a child's movie. But there were even more originally

that the director Nicholas Rogue had to cut after seeing his young son's reaction to the original edit. So it's really unfortunate to be the... Fun test audience. Really unfortunate to be the child of a horror movie director. Let's see if this traumatizes my young son. And it did.

But he saved... multiple children from a worst fate, I suppose. Wow, and that's parenting. Those are the main things. Great. The best thing about recapping movies from this time period is that they just shot on location. I cannot wait.

It is currently gray skies in Los Angeles for the first time in what feels like 20 years. It's a cozy, spooky day. And I get to hear Henley describe a roll doll movie. to me. Oh my God. I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited. We start. We're getting, you know, our plinky orchestra strings. Yes. You know I fucking love it. We are in a kids movie. It's like adventurous orchestra

music. We're POV clearly supposed to be on a witch's broom flying over snow cap mountains as the credits roll in neon green. It's, the credits are like five minutes. And by the end, I was, I was like actually not. because you're rolling around on the hills this whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We cut to a small seaside village in Norway. It's like late fall. They're adorable little houses with thatched roofs.

People are biking on cobblestones. We're hearing the voice of Helga. This is our grandmother character. And she's speaking to her grandson, Luke. And she's saying, Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches. Now listen carefully, Luke, listen. Real witches dress in ordinary clothes

and look very much like ordinary women. Like a woman living across the street, she could be a witch. They live in ordinary houses and they work into ordinary jobs. And it's so funny because it's like, oh, right, also sewing distrust of all women everywhere. Like that's immediately very first thing.

Any woman? The thing about witches, you never fucking know when you're looking at one. The thing about witches is it's all women. And they look like regular women. They trick you by acting like regular women. We pan into their house. They are sitting at this cozy little kitchen table.

There are candles lit everywhere. Cats wandering around. They're making candles, the most adorable little hobby I could think of for this moment. Luke is probably like eight or nine. Let's say eight. Let's say eight. He looks like Prince Harry. He has like this like choppy haircut, missing teeth.

big gold rim glasses. He's like fidgeting with them all the time. Imagining present day Prince Harry as choppy hair missing teeth. Just like a Prince Harry looks today in Santa Barbara with Megan Markle. And his grandma's just like dropping some real unfortunate news right now.

She's laying shit out for him. I guess she's decided it's time for him to know the truth. She's also very like cozy and comforting and sweet as a grandmother. You feel very like she's very sweet. But then the words that she's saying, you're like, hold on. She says,

every country in the world has witches, and there is a leader, a high witch of each country. And the ruler of all the witches is the most evil woman in creation. The grand high witch herself. She says, witches spend all their time plotting to kill children. They love to stalk a wretched child

like a hunter stalks a bird in the forest. these are the kinds of things that she's saying. Any tips on how to... Oh, we're going to get there. Protect ourselves? Okay, great. Don't be wretched. He says, did they haunt you?

She doesn't reply. All she does is slam her hand on the table. There's a loud orchestral string. She's missing a pinky. And he looks at her and says, you said it was an accident. His little voice is such a little kid. You said it was an accident.

It's like caricature little kid. And she's like a terrible. accident. And then she says, you know, when I was younger, I searched everywhere for the Grand High Witch, but I could never find her. And then she tells this long story about her childhood best friend, Erica, who went missing when they were children, were seeing this all like they're, you know, playing it all out for us. Erica was kidnapped by which, snatched from an alleyway. She looked like she was about eight. And for weeks, they searched everywhere for her, but witches don't murder children with knives or guns. Those are for people

who get caught. Witches never get caught. She says that she was there at Erica's house when Erica's father came home, several weeks after she'd been missing. And she said she saw it in his face. It was like he'd seen a ghost when he stared at the painting in their living room, their new painting that they just brought home. And he walks slowly towards it, hand outstretched. And there, in the background of this painting, his little Erica, reaching out, looking like she's screaming.

Jesus Christ. Is she moving or frozen? She's frozen. No one ever sees her move, but she would change her location in the painting. And she aged in the painting too. Oh, so she is still living her life in that painting. Oh, bad, really bad.

She says five or six years ago, the old woman that Erica had become bent over and frail began to disappear until one morning she was just gone. Well, hopefully the sweet release of death came for her. That's what, that's exactly what Luke says. And the grandmother is like, we'll never know because who knows what happens, one of which does that to you. So she doesn't even let Luke have that. He's like, did she die?

Like she's dead? She's like, who knows? I don't know. Who knows? that in the book when I read that I was like that's fucked that's really scary yep that's bad um yeah that's fun so she says Helga tells luke she says the only way to defeat a witch is to know everything about them oh if erika had known some of this maybe she would have been spared from what we see in the flashback she definitely would not have been spared she was snatched from an alleyway in the dark

by this ordinary woman I mean Here's some things to look for. Real witches are bald and they wear wigs that itch and cause horrible scalp rash. Real witches look hideous underneath their face masks. All of them are wearing face masks. Real witches have no toes. Their feet have square ends. Revolting stumps.

Yeah, revolting stumps where their toes should be so they can never wear pointy or pretty shoes, only plain sensible shoes. This is another thing where it's like ugly women are witches. like that kind of stereotype of like anyone who doesn't fit into like dowdy ugly shoes not wearing like pointy fancy heels right exactly it's no sexy woman would be a witch for actually besides angelica houston the sexiest woman alive um okay and too tall and then real witches are only detectable by the faint purple in their eyes by now helga is putting luke to bed it is bedtime We're still talking witches. His parents come in.

I think they're coming home from a date. It's 9 p.m. No, they're leaving. They're going out at 9 p.m. They say good night to Luke. Then we watch the parents get in the car and drive away. And you're just like... They're dead.

Like immediately. You're just like, you don't see parents get in a car and drive away unless they're dying. Yeah, to safely arrive at their destination. Absolutely not. You watch them drive the normal speed limit. We follow their cars. They stop at every red light. And then they park at the restaurant and then we leave them.

Yeah. And we just feel comforted to know that. No. Back in the bedroom, Luke wants one more story from grandma. He's like, Grandma, one more story. She says, okay. But after this bedtime. Luke, these aren't stories.

Yeah, they're not stories and this is not a story either. She says, okay. Witches are very cruel. Please, Grandma, more. Whiches are very cruel. They have a highly devoutes. A witch could smell you from across the street. You know, we're in a kid's movie.

He's never actually scared. He just goes, not me. I just had a shower. And she says, oh, yes, the cleaner you are, the more witch can smell you. He's like, I don't believe you. And she says, only shower once a month, Luke, once a month. Oh, hell, yeah. I'm safe.

Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. She says you smell like dog droppings to a witch right now, fresh dope droppings. And that's a good thing. He's like, no way, grandma. And she goes, no point in arguing. It's just the facts of life.

If you ever see a woman in the street holding her nose as she passes you, she's probably a witch. Okay, bedtime. And she turns out the light, leaves several candles burning and closes the door. And, all right. Must be where Britney Spears got it from. I know. She was watching the witches. Right on cue, you know what's going to happen.

Little Luke walks into his parents' bedroom. Oh, no. doesn't look like anyone slept there that night. He's going, mom, dad, police pull up to the house. Next, we see Helga and Luke crying on the couch together. It's sad, but we don't stay sad for long.

We're not moving right past. No. You wouldn't. You definitely wouldn't. The grandmother is cool as Helga. They don't say sad for long because they're moving back to England where Helga conveniently has a beautiful, gorgeous mansion right next to Luke's school.

Thank God. We also get that context because occasionally Helga just pops in for a voiceover to do con like just to set the scene. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, who are you talking to? Why are you talking all of a sudden? But, you know, that's how we know. They're in England now. They're hanging out outside the house.

Luke is playing in a tree house when they're in the countryside. They're in the middle of nowhere. A lady out of the blue walks down this country road. She's wearing like a full velvet suit, velvet hat, tights, heels. gloves, whole nine yards. She walks past. She holds her nose and she's literally like, pee, you, like something stinks. And you're like, okay, we've been trained for this. We know what this is. Killer! She catches sight of Luke up there in the treehouse. She gags visibly. Then yells, little boy, come down here. I have something for you. Little stinky boy. Luke looks down. She

takes our sunglasses off, he sees the faint purple tinge in her eyes. He starts shouting for his grandmother just as she takes a huge snake out of her purse and is like, little boy, look what I have for you. I have this snake. Does that make you want to come here? And he's just going, grandma, grandma. And she's going, what's your name? And she goes, is it Luke? He's screaming for his grandmother. She's going, Your grandma, I can't hear you. But I have a big bar of chocolate just for you.

Okay, well, we should have started with the chocolate, not the snake. I know. I don't know what she was thinking. But I guess little boys supposedly love snakes. They love snakes. They love all of them. And just then, Helga appears the witch is pissed to see another adult. Her plans are foiled.

She puts her gloves back on, sunglasses back on. She stumps back down that country road. She starts chuckling malevolently. You're just like, where'd you come from? Where are you going? I don't know. Luke is not worried. He's amped.

He's like, Grandma, did you see that? That was a witch. She wanted me to come down. She knew my name. She hypnotized a snake. She wanted to give me a snake. Like, that was fucking rat, right? And the grandma's like, I saw her and I believe you.

This is one thing that's fantastic about this film. the grandmother so on the same page as Luke the entire time. There's no gaslighting here. She put him on the page. She did put him on the page. She did put him there. But she's not worried about anything. She's a little like,

they're everywhere. You know? Yeah, that's a witch. What are you going to do? Later on, it's Luke's birthday. Helga gets him a couple of little tiny, cute little white mice. He names them William and Mary.

Out of nowhere, after giving him this present, she becomes dizzy, she faints. They call a doctor. She comes straight to the house. The doctor tells her she has a mild case of diabetes, and it's nothing that a little medicine and a jaunt to the seaside won't fix. Meanwhile, Helga is literally smoking a cigar in the scene.

She's smoking a cigar, full cigar, while the doctor's there. She's like lounging on the sofa, smoking a full cigar. Yeah, I know what'll get your head right, Helga. Well, it's just what it is, it's just a spot of diabetes. nothing that a jaunt to the seaside can fix. A jaunt to the seaside can cure diabetes apparently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know that about diabetes. We do love that. But doctors orders, we get to go to a new location. This is an extremely dramatic hotel. I looked it up. It still exists. It's called the Headland Hotel. It's in Cornwall. And it is, it's like this massive British mansion surrounded by nothing else.

perched on a cliff like a top rolling seas. Oh my God. It's absolutely stunning. It's so dramatic, the most dramatic location. And Rowan Atkinson fluttered it? Yeah. Flooded this hotel? He did.

Oh my God. It looks incredible. Maybe we can make a pit stop there on our Irish Wish tour. Oh, I would love that. I would love that. So they roll up to this hotel. they have brought the mice. They bring the mice with them. Sure.

They're living creatures. I'm just going to leave them behind. Yeah, no, they just got them. They have red eyes? I don't think so. Cool. Oh, maybe they did. I don't know. So they check in. They're like going up the stairs right as we get our first look at the one, the only Angelica Houston. she stumps into that lobby right behind them. She's like burst through the doors so dramatic.

She's wearing a hat, the size and shape of an eggplant. Her like eye shadow matches her hat, matches her like cape. Wow. Everything about her is just you can't help but stare. You know, you're like, this is the, this is a real beautiful woman. Is it also the color of eggplant? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Wow. And just the size and shape. Just the size and shape. Great. Just a size and shape, but it's orange. Everyone else in the lobby agrees she's a fantastic, wonderful, beautiful woman. It's a bunch of women who are... We all agree here that this is a fantastic wonderful beautiful woman.

We're obsessed with her. All I want is to enter a gorgeous hotel in a big hat and have everyone agree that I'm a gorgeous, fabulous, wonderful one. This is peak womanhood. Peak womanhood right here. everyone floods towards her. They're squealing in delight. They're introducing themselves. Just because she's magnificent or is she some sort of celebrity?

Well, they're saying things like, you look marvelous. I've always wanted to meet you. Like, you're so stunning. And then she replies with things like, I wish I could say the same for you, Nicola. She has a German accent that's not really German. It's like... Just kind of vaguely... It's like her just doing a German accent.

but it's like not. She didn't get like a voice coach. No, we had no dial-in-coach. It was just like a choice that was made. I understand why we can't be doing that. But part of me is fond of the just like, I'm just speaking. Yeah.

I'm just speaking. The year is 1990 and I can speak in whatever sounds. I'm doing my own thing. I'm doing something that sounds. Because I just thought it would kind of be fun. Different. And I'm going with it. It changes.

Yeah, changes. now and then. So she's being a massive bitch to these women. They fucking love it. They're eating it up. Oh, because they're all witches. This is a witch hotel. We see a sign.

We see a sign for the fifth national convention for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. The chairwoman Eva Ernst. Her human name is Eva Ernst, but she is the Grand High Witch, the most evil witch. in all the land. Perfect disguise. Perfect disguise. This is when we see Mr. Bean. This is he's the hotel owner.

He introduces himself. He's just Mr. Bean. He's Mr. Bean being Mr. Bean, like awkward, bumbling. That's his character. She, while she's checking in, absentmindedly points out of painting and oil painting where a child is in it. It looks like they're screaming. She just taps on it and smiles and like, is like, get a load of this. So this is something I guess I love to.

doing all the time. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty, pretty effective. It works. Luke goes exploring in the hotel. He meets another kid in the dining room. Here we get our fat phobia coming through because this is Bruno Jenkins. We're supposed to hate this kid. He's nibbling raisins off of tea cakes.

And I will say, like, is the fat phobia rolled dolls fault? Is it 1990s fault? A little bit of both. Yeah. Everyone was fine with fat phobia basically until like five years ago, I feel like. And now we're back. And now we're back. We had a couple of years of reprie.

We had a quick respite. Yeah. Yeah, we're back. He's nibbling raisins off of tea cakes and then placing them back for public consumption. This is Luke's foil. He's the kid who sucks. This is represented mostly by his... We're just hoping a witch gobbles those kid.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mostly his love of eating that depicts this. he also says things like how much pocket money do you get? My dad's rich but he's very tight. We've got three cars. Like he says shit like that.

Triples is best. Triples of the baricuda, I hope. Luke immediately is like, I don't know about this guy. So as soon as Bruno starts reprimanding server for using margarine instead of butter on the sandwiches, he kind of skirts away.

And as he's heading back to the room, there's a cleaning lady who's running out of it screaming. I want to flag that this actress is giving the performance of a lifetime. She's giving Final Girl energy. But we're a third of the way through the movie. She's going so hard in the scene. She barrels straight into Mr. Bean's arms. She's weeping violently. She's literally gripping his shirt, grabbing him, pulling him, shaking him.

and she can barely get the words out but she says, I went in to turn down the bed and they were there, white and disgusting. Uh-oh. She's discovered Luke's mice, William and Mary.

Oh, calm down, lady. She sobbing so hard, it sounds like she's gonna throw up. It's like not necessarily. I don't know. Why? I don't know. This is just,

this is another choice being made. But Mr. Bean hearing this, storms into Luke's room. He's saying, I cannot permit mice in my hotel. Well, they should, Probably be in some sort of cage, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, not under the cover. We're really hearing his point of view. However, we're not supposed to take it. The grandmother immediately chimes in. She doesn't even hesitate. She says, how dare you tell my grandson that when your hotel is filled with rats? She's just straight up line. It's unbelievable.

She says, I saw one just this morning running along the corridor straight to the kitchen. She says, if matters don't approve, then I'll have to report. you to the authorities. And then Luke, taking the hint, chimes in and he says, the raising cakes are nibbled around the edges. I can show you. Very convenient. The grandmother continues threatening him. If you're not careful, the health people order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever. He's being Mr. Bean. You know, he's going, you, you cannot be serious, madame. I don't know. I guess that's Mr. Bean's thing is just like being like shocked. Yeah, no words though. No words. Oh, he doesn't actually use words. He doesn't speak. Oh. So he's been a little different from Mr. Bean.

He is using words. That kind of vibe. The more I hear about Mr. Bean. You know, like that kind of. The more I'm like. Sort of situation. Not sure about it. And. And. You see very on the fence. I think I'm not even. I'm trying to get on the fence. No, I know. You're fully off the fence. I'm so off the fence I'm trying to put a toe on me. I kind of do. And as she says, she's like, I've never been more serious in my life. Let my grandchild keep his perfectly hygienic

mice. I don't know. And he's like, fine. They have to stay in the cage. They don't bring them anywhere else in the hotel. They're like, okay. He leaves immediately. Luke is like, I can't train William and Mary if they stay in the cage. And she lights up a cigar, winks at him and goes, of course you can

train your mice. She says, but you must not get caught. And he's like, okay, grandma. And then they go downstairs for tea time. They go back to the dining room where everyone is now having tea because everyone is so British. Everyone is literally wearing ascots like stiff wool suits. They're complaining about the queue to get to the tea trolley. It's England, you guys.

It's England. They're always doing stuff like that. They're always talking about the cue to get to the tea trolley. They're being so British. in England. They're getting on the tube. They're asking, where's the loo? The tube.

They are tube. They want chips and crisps and biscuits. And they're talking about the new PM, the Prime Minister. They're saying, what time is it? 1,600. They're being British to sell. God save the queen, that kind of stuff. They're talking about the queen nonstop.

No one can stop talking about the queen. Angelica Houston is in. this room. We see Helga. Look at her. Angelou Houston looks at Helga. Helga, so funny. She's just like, I know that woman from somewhere. Where do I know her from? She looks so familiar. The kidnapping of my best friend. It's so funny. She literally doesn't, she doesn't know. Did we see that it was Angelica Houston in the flashback? No, it was not Angelica Houston who did the kidnapping. Oh, is the Indelica Houston one who chopped up her pinky finger? We never fully get that backstory. I think it's implied.

lied. Okay. But... Yeah, you would remember, I would think. Yeah. I seared into your brain. Could be magic, though. She could have done some magic. True, or, you know, repressed trauma.

So while she's making a heavy eye contact with this mysterious woman from across the room, she takes a bite of her tea sandwich, Helga, and spits it out and goes, oh, fish paste. And then she quickly takes a sip from her tea. And she goes, oh, no, sugar.

And then Luke goes, Grandma, sugar will kill you. because she has diabetes, remember? She tried to eat a cake. It's like, it doesn't make any sense. Angelica smirking across the room, you're like, can we put two and two together?

Helga cannot. She's going, something is going on. Something is going on. Meanwhile, we're getting shots of the hotel staff placing mice traps everywhere. Mr. Bean, like, looking for the mice. I guess that is a downside of being, like your hotel's infested with vermin.

They're going to try to get the vermin. Yeah. They got to do something about that. So after tea, Helga's like, what's the first thing you want to do, Luke? And Luke is like, take William and Mary to go explore this place. So he then takes his mice loose, loose in his pockets, brings him around the hotel. This one's on you. A thousand percent.

He finds himself in this grand ballroom. It's filled with red velvet chairs, marble columns. There are massive crystal chandeliers everywhere. There's a stage at the front. He kind of goes behind this little partition next to the stage and begins mice training. He's training them to tightrope walk. So he has an actual little tiny tight rope situation that he sets up. He's using like crackers as little treats to get them to learn how to

a type of walk. He is like so invested in the mice, you guys. We also, there's a whole thing of all of his plans for building like a mouse village, a mouse hotel. Right. He's like. And this child does not not really process the death of his parents? Well, he's putting all of his love into William and Mary now.

Yeah. Now he's full just like mice guy. When he first said, can I go play with William and Mary? I hadn't realized quite that he meant the mice. And then I was pretty devastated to realize it didn't mean. human children he met the mice. Yeah. Unless he didn't name the mommy and daddy.

Oh, God. Maybe mommy and daddy were willing. They might have been married. No. That's so dark. That might be true. So before he can, we can see too much of the type of walking. Mr. Bean burst.

Are they doing any actual tightrope walking? Yeah, they are. They're on the tightrope. Oh, my God. He is incredibly gifted. Thank God he has mice to train. He takes it seriously and he's good at it. He's talented. He shows promise.

Mr. Bean bursts through the doors, followed by the Grand High Witch herself and all of the witches. The witches, this is actually the thing that annoys me the most about the witches is their energy. Their energy is so fucking annoying. They burst into this room like small children squealing and delight. They race. They run. They run to their seats, pushing each other out of the way, laughing, cackling. Like their energy is so obnoxious. They're not. normal. Not at all. They're not being ordinary. No, for people who are not supposed to get con.

The way you'll recognize a witch is they're insane when they enter a room and cackle and push each other and giggle and scream. Yes. Yes. Also. And they have big club feet. They run into the room on their big club feet. How else can they get in there? You know, probably momentum is not great. Yeah, what do they do? Once they get started, they just got to keep going until they're sitting down.

Right. They have to keep going. Otherwise they'll fall all the way over. That's the other way you can tell it's a witch. Also, in this movie, a lot of the extras playing the witches are actually men dressed in drag. So that's another... There's something to that. Yeah, that's like a little like queerphobic stuff going on there. Positive.

I definitely didn't notice that like upon the first watch, but upon the second watch, it's very obvious. Sure. We see one elderly lady violently scratching at her scalp. She's starting to rip that wig off, but Mr. Bean... hasn't left the room yet. And so we see the witch from earlier at the treehouse witch. She leans over and she's like, no, not yet. She like forces the wig back on her head. Mr. Bean, meanwhile, is being ushered out of the room by-inched scalp really freaks me out. I know. It made me want to itch my own scalp. There's a witch who conveniently works at this hotel.

She's ushering him out being like, oh, I'll lock up. Don't worry. We're good. If we've got everything from here. She like slams the door, locks it. Luke is well hidden. at this point, but I mean, he's at the front of the room and just behind a partition. So he spots some purple eyes in the audience. He's like,

fuck, I gotta get out of here. But Mr. Bean, you know, the door's locked. There's nothing he can do. As soon as Mr. Bean is gone, the crowd goes apeshit for Angelica. Apeshit, ape shit, even more than they were before. She takes the stage.

She's wearing like floor length purple cape that then she throws back when she gets onto the stage. It's revealed it was her dress the whole time. Wow. That was like wrapped up around her somehow. She is wearing long silk black gloves and like dripping in costume jewelry. And the way that she just like starts the presentation is she just stands on the stage. She throws like one of her arms up in the air. The other she just holds on her hip and she just stands while everyone cheers for her and that lasts for a while. Now we get into the part where I have to like talk about Angelica Houston talking and unfortunately she's doing an accent that makes no sense and then me trying to do her accent is really not

going to make any sense but I'm going to do my best. What's his name? From Anaconda. It's literally Anaconda. It's what is his name? John Boyd. John Voight. I was going to say nothing like Angelina Jolie.

I just remembered John. I was like, his name's definitely John. You're right. John Voight. She goes, you may remove your shoes. And the crowd breathes aside for relief. We got a bunch of close-ups of some gnarly stocking feet being taken brutally out of their shoes. And then she says, you may remove your wigs.

and as she says that, she starts taking her wig off, but then she also gets a little ahead of herself and she starts taking her face mask off too. She peels both and what we reveal. Also remember Jim Henson, executive producer, lots of creature work in this film. We're getting some pretty gnarly forehead stuff going on. But before she goes further, she stops and says,

the doors locked and bolted. and they confirm doors are locked and bolted your grandness. She says, good, help me. And she turns to her assistant who's always like at her feet. She's a nervous blonde woman. She's in a silk floral suit. She's wearing hot pink gloves. And she takes her wig off while the assistant pulls her face mask off.

And underneath, I mean, if we can only get what you would describe as like a ogre witch demon concoction. I don't know. It almost to me looks like a baby bird. Yeah, it's a little bit like a beak. This is the six hours of makeup that she's really underneath all of this makeup, which fucking sucks. I mean, it does look like that would be horrible. It looks very heavy.

Her face suddenly is like twice its size and it's modeled, shiny skin twisted into this permanent scowel. It's like melted Play-Doh or like an alien from Star Trek in full glam. It's like purple eye shadow and red lipstick, a bold lip. Oh, that's fun. So are they doing makeup twice in the logic of this film? I think the mask comes pre-maked up. Yeah, I guess she makes up her witch face every morning too, or it's permanent makeup. Well, you would want to.

I don't know. Okay. You do up your face, then you put your face mask on. Yeah. Okay, cool, I guess only if you know you have a big meeting. Maybe not every day. Maybe this isn't the look for every day. I would love to see her everyday look, though.

Yeah, but it's like, you know, I'm going to be showing my real face to all my biggest Yeah, I'm going to be on stage doing a power pose. So I got to look good. Yep. She's got a butt chin sticking straight out long. I love a butt chin. I do too. She doesn't have any hair anymore. However, she does have a ton of gross little baby hairs, like curly little baby hairs kind of

sticking out everywhere. I'm like a baby bird. Yeah. Brown rotting teeth. Oh my. The thing that makes her the Grand High Witch is that she also gets this look on her declatage. How often do you use that word declatage? I would say I think about it a lot.

I don't say it much. I was going to say more than you think. More than you think. In my head, this is my declatage. Like, if I'm ever thinking about this part of my body, it's my declatage. I will abbreviate in even my mind to decolent. Oh. Oh, okay fancy.

Wow, I've never done that once. I do the full word. I have been, I'm both fighting it, but I'm also like, why am I fighting it? I'm really intrigued at the idea of like those patches that you can put on to cover your whole decalitage while you sleep to keep the skin flat and firm. Oh, whoa, I don't even know about those. So there's like big old patches? Well, because if you're side sleepers. I'm a side sleeper and it.

crinkles. And then it takes so long for it to resume its natural buoyant texture because I'm an aging woman and I'm losing collagen, even though I take it every morning. And so I am like, will I, part of me is like, who cares? You know? Yeah. Let the body age. And part of me is like, but I do think about it all the time. Yeah. I mean, we're all, we're all sick with a sickness. I have a sickness. A sickness that can only be fixed by spending excessive amounts of money on products. A corporation can fix me. Yep.

Or a lymphatic massage. Exactly. Yeah. So all that's to say is I think about my declatage and the word declatage quite a bit. Oh, man. I think I should be thinking about it more because I know. Probably not. I know our, yeah, yeah, this is a thing for us to consider.

Like I'm feeling it right now. And right now the skin texture feels like good and normal. But when I wake up, it's crinkly. It's crinkly. See, I rarely wear tank tops. I'm shocked to be wearing a tank top right now. I'm always wearing a t-shirt. I can never see it.

So, out of sight of mind. And your decalitage looks absolutely gorgeous right now. It's stunning. It's just from the distance. My declittage also gets quite sun burnt and sun damaged. I'm very wary of the skin on my declattech for many reasons. And sun is. I'm bringing all my skincare, big one of them.

You're bringing it all down. I'm bringing it all down. Oh, yeah. There must be sunscreen down there. But I don't have, my, my face skincare stuff is all very expensive now. And I'm like, you don't want to put it all down there. That's basically a second face worth of skin. Yeah.

That's a whole, and then you two hands, three faces. I know. I'll go and move through my stuff. It's the pink tax. Triples is best. Triples is best. Triples is best. My God.

This is a rare case when triples is not ideal. Triples can be tough. This is actually, I'm really glad we're having this conversation because this conversation, this conversation is exactly what people are worried about with movies like this, where it is depicting crones, old, shriveled crones as being evil. Worthless to society, evil. Yeah, not just worthless, actively evil, actively bad. The worst thing that people could ever happen. Yeah, like to be avoided at all costs and like, you know, any kind of something that is...

Thanks, Roald Dahl. Yeah. He's responsible for our sickness. Hollywood was like... Love it. So, yes, I personally, I am raising Silas, my son, to view witches as a beautiful gift to society, not to be feared, but has been weaponized by men to make people fearful of women for no reason. So that's just what I'm doing in my life. And very fearful of women aging. Women having power also. Women having power. Women having

wrinkles. Women not having children. Eeks. Childless women. Because in the book, in the book, there's a lot of discussion. It's not in the movie, but in the book, there's a lot of discussion about how, like, they don't have their own kids. So it's always. Childless cat ladies. Yeah, childless cat ladies. Not contributing to society just actively. wearing away at if they'd only had children everything good in this world. Yep. So she is

definitely exhibiting leadership abilities though. I will say her leadership style is very authoritarian. Okay. So all the other witches are taking off their wigs and we're getting shots of their bumpy scalps

and big old demon hands and stuff. Luke meanwhile, he's right there. He's watching all this happen and he's just wide-eyed behind the partition going, wow, whoa, as you would. Yeah. And Angelica Houston starts her, you know, performance. And she says, witches of England, you're a disgrace. Immediately, witches start sobbing.

This is the thing about them. They are... You're an emotional bunch. They are so emotional. They're on one on the other end, one end of the other on. There's one thing you can't trust is an emotional limit. I know. They can't decide.

She says, miserable, witch is good for nothing, worms everywhere I see. I see the repulsive sight of thousands of little children. One child a week is no good to me. I demand maximum results. Here are my orders. Every child in England shall be rubbed out, destroyed. Every child eliminated. Luke gasps.

The witch from earlier, the treehouse witch, she... It's also classic, not long-term thinking. Right, exactly. Right, we need children, actually. I mean, I guess people always have more, but... This is another criticism of the film and the book, which is there's literally no reason given to why they hate children or what they want actually, like, what their goal is, or...

There's none of that ever given. But we don't need it. So the witch from earlier, she is in the audience. She is gone from devastating, sobbing, and now she is delighted. Right back to delighted. She pulls up her skirt. She has a little garter belt where she has a notebook hidden inside of it, which I thought was like very specific for no reason.

She takes it out. She starts writing notes. Right as she does that, another witch turns to another one, like her seatmate and says, we can't possibly wipe out all of them when she says this. Silence false. Everyone stops speaking. You could hear a pin drop. Angelica Houston turns and says,

Who spoke? Who dares argue with me? The witch who question her starts shaking. Start going, no, no. Angelica Houston says, A stupid witch who answers back must burn until her bones are black. Oh my God.

Women should never question what's been told to them. Her assistant is loving this. She's on stage being like, he he he, he, he. Everyone is like, oh, it's going to happen. And then she's a foolish witch without a brain must sizzle into fiery flames. The witch is looking really nervous now. The rest of the audience licking their lips, they love to watch people suffer, even if it's a fellow witch. A witch who dares to say I'm wrong will not be with us very long.

They did not think about these rhymes too hard. Purple lasers shoot from her eyes. straight from her eyes into the witch she goes up in flames nothing's left for so not a girl's girl's girl not a girl's girl this is not a girl's girl is this anne hathway in the remake i haven't seen the remake and i know nothing about the remake except that no one watched it fine not worth it yeah i yeah didn't hear great things but i'm curious to hear to see anne's take on this yeah also like the 20 20 take on it too like what was the modern version of this film i don't know whether Maybe it was exactly the same, but I don't know.

So as soon as she destroys the switch, she's right back to the meeting. She says, so now this is my plan. And now she's like casual witch. She's leaning on the desk. Now that that bitch is out of here. Back to the plan. Each of you are going to go back to your homes, resign from your jobs, all of you, each of you. You're going to buy sweet shops.

24-7 child hunting. Candy stores. the most respectable sweet shops in England. Snake stores. Not snake stores, candy stores. The witches are delighted at this idea, loving this. Then she just opens a briefcase,

filled with cash, starts throwing it, throwing it at the audience. They run to the front of the stage, start picking it up, stuffing it into their shirts, laughing, cackling. You get a candy shop.

You get a candy shop. You get a candy shop. Another witch dares to speak out. She says, poisoned candy. will wipe them out like weasels. Bitch. This one was complimentary.

This one was complimentary. Nonetheless. Nonetheless. Shut your trap. She says, who spoke? And then someone is like, she did. The assistant in the background is like literally licking her lips. She's like, hey, punish her.

But then the woman thinks for a second. And she goes, it's brilliant. Your idea is so brilliant. This is another reason. This like pisses me off so much. They're just depicted as being idiots. Like, they're depicted as being, like, the stupidest people, which on the one hand is fine because it's a kid's movie and they're villains and it's fine for the villains to be idiots.

But it's another thing for, like, a bunch of women to be depicted as idiots. So that really makes me angry. Angelica Houston's like, you're misunderstanding me. She says, poison, I would never, I would never, I would never use poison. She says, you don't mind getting caught. Exposed. You don't want to get exposed. And occasionally she's screaming.

screams some of these words. The woman is now shaking, whimpering in her chair. She says, you're a blithering bug bumper. Bug bumper. That's very rolled all to me. And then she starts going on another tirade, but she gets interrupted because she starts gagging and almost throws up. And that distracts her.

Smell like dog shit in there? Smells like a nasty, clean little boy. But she can't be really be distracted yet because she's about to unveil the big thing. she says everything you sell will be treated with my magic formula her assistant opens a case

inside her a bunch of tiny little blue bottles say formula 86 on them she says formula 86 my greatest triumph formula 86 she's like screaming it

in this bottle 500 doses with a delay that stops it from working for two hours one dose delays two hours more than five doses

works instantly The child starts to shrink. The child starts to, here she's absentmindedly playing with some wigs with her big demon paws. She said, the child starts to grow fur, grow a tail. Meanwhile, the audience is loving this. They're eating it up there on the edge of their seats like, tell us, tell us. She's genius. And then she screams.

She goes, oh, this happens in a span of 25 seconds. The energy in this scene is so like, blah. Then the audience is silent, wrapped. listening. She says, the child is no longer a child. The child is a mouse. The crowd goes wild. Leaping and joy clapping. Really feels like it should be a cat. Oh, no, they're a little tiny mice. She tells them, shut up, shut up, shut up, sit down. She goes at 4.30, I put a dose on a bar of chocolate and gave it to her a pulsive smelly boy. In two minutes, he's going to come in here. To collect his reward, they all start cackling.

In five minutes time, you will see my magic formula work in action. Quickly, everyone, put your wigs, gloves, back on, shoes, back on. Everyone obeys, puts their wigs back on. Everyone back to humans. No more creature work. Really shocking to see Angelica Houston back as normal. I was so used to her by now with her, like, big little prosthetic face. I was like, you're the most stunning woman I've ever seen in my life.

Now, oh, my God. Just in time, Bruno knocks on the door. He's ushered into the room by the witch who works at the hotel. And Angelica Houston panting, shaking with excitement. Bruno walks towards the stage. All the witches ostensatiously hold their nose groaning and they're visibly nauseated. Bruno doesn't notice. He's a stupid kid.

He points at Angelica and he shouts, That lady promised me six bars of hazel-not wheat chocolate. I've come to collect. That lie. She's probably. I like chocolate. Come to clip my chocolate. Angelica is thrilled.

She says, ladies, let me introduce you to Bruno. Come on up here, Bruno. He walks up on stage. He's not suspicious a little bit. He's grinning. Where's my chocolate? We get a close-up on Angelica. We see her very purple eyes staring into his eyes.

We see for a second, he's like, oh. She goes, yorn for a treat. We all are. They start wildly laughing. And Bruno's like, ha, ha, ha. And he's like, what's going on? And then the entire room starts a countdown.

Five, four, three, two, one. And then it does not hold back. Like this part is so, like, the reveal of the witches is scary enough. But Bruno's descent into mouse is unconscionable for a child to see. It is too real. It's like, takes a while. He starts groaning, crying, holding his stomach, leaning over, shaking. He looks in serious pain.

At one point he burps, which is, I suppose, like, comedic relief. Steam comes out his mouth. The Robert Durst trick. We're seeing, like, he gets ears. He starts squeaking. He's, like, shaking and clearly terrified. And he like spins around. We see like various transitions down into a mouse until finally all we see are Bruno's clothes.

And a little tiny brown mouse just run out of the clothes and escape into the corner. Oh my God. Is he going to get into a fucking mouse trap now? Is he about to fucking die by mouse trap? This is another movie he would. But luckily it's peachy. So no. Okay.

But that's like, it's, it's just, it's just really too, it's really, they don't hold, they don't hold back with the Bruno transition. Is this, is this, I'm sure you'll answer this in a moment, but is this the end of the, what we do with children? We're just turning them into mice or is there like, and then you stomp on them. No, then you stop on them. Okay. Then they want to, then they want to stop on them. Then you stomp on them. So they don't get a chance to stomp on Bruno because he escapes too quickly.

but that is the plan. They want to turn into mice and stop on them. The witches go wild. They love it. It's a massive success. Angelica's eating up the applause, the praise. She's telling them, come to my room tonight. I'm going to give you each a bottle.

My room's 208. Don't forget your nosebooks for dinner, ladies. And then she goes, the meeting's over. See you next year. Huge success. They're all about to leave when one witch stops. It says, I smell. She goes, wait, I smell.

I smell dog stroppings. Shock and off through the audience, ripples through the audience. As people realize, they too are smelling dogs droppings. They start sniffing. They start looking. Luke, behind the partition, is like, well, I'm fucked. He's just seen this whole thing happen. And he's like, oh, man.

So they're sniffing the ground. They're sniffing everywhere. They're looking for him. There's nowhere for him to go. They're going to find him. He's like right there. He's just behind this, like, little. little like wall, like a little like, you know, I mean, you can move around. Yeah, like a little room

divider. So he makes a run for it through the crowd of witches straight into them, straight in. Smart. He doesn't really have much of another choice. All of them are snatching at him. They're trying to get him. But they're idiots. So they can't. He gets on all fours. He's going between their legs. They're all trying to get him. They can't get him. He's escaping through all the witches, makes it to the top of a grand piano, has a dramatic slow motion jump off of the grand piano, very like an 1889 shot of a child doing that, burst through a door,

burst into another room, picks up a chair, throws through a window. Oh my God. Are his mice in his pockets all the while? Yeah. Okay. Jumps out of the window,

out onto the grounds. Okay. Still being pursued by hundreds of elderly British ladies in like suits and pearls screaming, kill him, get him. Okay. I'm like, these ladies don't care about getting caught. They are the most ostentatiously like murderous group of people I've ever seen in my life. Like, hi, we're obviously witches.

Something's wrong. He's now on the grounds. We're getting beautiful shots of this hotel. And we see a pram, a pram in England, a pram with a newborn baby in it, a new mom, conveniently, completely asleep right next to the pram. The pram perched atop a cliff. I mean, yeah, not to victim blame, but honey.

It's just like, okay. We see Angelica Houston kind of look and see it and walk up and smile and then push the pram down. Put down the cliff. Cackling and glee. I'm guessing we never see that young mom wake up because again that would be a different movie.

She does actually wake up. She does wake up and starts screaming and running towards the pram. Luke has a head start. So he runs after the stroller. He catches it, saves it. Not before we once you. Several witches loudly exclaimed with glee, literally going, ooh, a baby in a pram.

Oh, they're all laughing, like loving it. Wow, wow, wow. These bitches would be caught in two fucking seconds, especially they're women. like they're going to be persecuted whatever not in this movie um so luke saves the baby manages to hide from the witches we get a long kind of like emotional shot of him like wide shot in the wilderness alone like making his way back to the hotel i guess that's for us to process like all the trauma that just happened yeah he just walks it off he just walks it off he goes back into the hotel he's safe

for now. Goes back to his room. Meanwhile, his grandmother throughout all of this, she's been poisoned by Angelica Houston. She fainted. She's out. She's in the hotel room, out skis on the bed. He gets home, home back to those hotel room, storms in. It's like, Grandma, Grandma, wake up. She doesn't wake up. She doesn't wake up. She doesn't wake up. Angelica Houston walks into the room and is like, got him. Like, she snatches him. The grandmother still doesn't wake up. She brings him back to the ballroom with all the other witches.

They hold him down on a table, open his mouth, pour an entire bottle of this fucking formula into his mouth. Then we get another transformation just as traumatizing as Bruno, if not more, because it's our main character, Luke. He's woozy, can't stand up. like spinning around and eventually we get kind of a get out-esque shot of Angelica Houston's face like kind of like peering at him like from a distance and him like sinking down down down down down. It's like existentially terrifying for a child and she's just going bye bye bye so he spins and

spins again all we see is a pile of clothes smoking and then a tiny adorable animatronic mouse pops set out. This is a, we didn't get this with Bruno, but we will eventually. But for him, we get a full animatronic mouse. Really cute. Really fucking cute. The witches start stomping. They want to kill the mouse so bad.

They're all stomping. Hundred stomping. But he escapes. He goes into a vent. And now we're in the mouse version of this film. So we've, we've entered the mouse, mouse capades. Right. Now it's just mice from here on now. He's going, he's going, Bruno, Bruno.

And then he goes, I can't believe I can talk. I'm a mouse. I can't believe I can talk. It's a children's movie. He's delighted. This kid's endurance of spirit is really remarkable. That's what makes it a kid's movie is that he's never scared. He's never traumatized. His parents died like a week ago.

His parents can die. His grandmother might be dead. He can be turned into a mouse. He's fine. He's going, Bruno, Bruno. I can't believe I can't believe I can't talk. And then Bruno's eating in the corner. Oh, my fucking Bruno.

He's going, I'm down here. I found my hazin-nut chocolate Yeah, exactly Exactly And Luke is going You can talk too, this is weird And Bruton's like, what are you talking about? Of course I can talk

And then Luke's like, you're a mouse And Bruno's like, no, I'm not gonna' mouse And he's like, hey, you are, look at you, you're a mouse And he's like, oh, I guess I am a mouse Wow, but this chocolate's really good, do you want some? And then they're sharing their crumbs with each other Luke is going, Bruno, we've got to figure out what to do about these witches

And Bruno's like, oh, sure, those women. Yeah, they went by her. Now, they owed me chocolate. They didn't give me any. And so now Bruno and Luke, as animatronic mice are on an adventure together, they go back to the, back up to the grandmother's room. We got a long shot of them dodging feet in the hotel corridors, going under suitcases, tails, cotton elevators, that type of thing. Now we're back in the hotel room with the grandmother. She's awake and fine. I don't know what happened. She must have gotten some stuff. sea air. Yeah, I guess it's a seaside air. Would have been cool if she could have woken up like 10 minutes ago. And Luke can talk to his grandma. She can hear him. He's like, Grandma, it's me.

And he's like, she's like, Luke, what? He's like, don't worry. Don't worry. It's all that bad. I like being a mouse. They could have killed me. I'm just a mouse. They could have killed me, more. Grandma. But Grandma, listen to this. The Grand High Witch is here.

Hundreds of them are here. They have a plan to kill it. Every child in England. Grandmother is sad to hear this. She takes a lot of stride. We discover throughout this conversation, she's actually been sitting on Bruno, who like squeaks his way out from under her

and demands dry roasted peanuts, which is what Luke had promised him for coming to the hotel room. Again, only motivated by food. Yeah, they're very food motivated. She pours the dry peanuts all over the bed for them to like continue to brainstorm while they both like keep the restaurant. Yeah, baked food.

So it's a good one. Luke immediately is like, you've got to lower me down to the room. He's like, you've got to lower me down to the Grand High Witch's room. Luke, like, mastermind all of a sudden, like little genius mouse mastermind. How does he even know? He guess she said her room was 208. He figured out that's beneath their hotel room. So he has a whole plan.

Obviously, the grandma's like, that sounds dangerous. I don't want to do that. He's like, we don't have a choice. You have to lower me down in your knitting and I have to steal the formula. And she says, fine. In my little mouse hands, I have to steal enough formula for all the children of England. So she's like, fine. Okay, so she's been knitting a sock. She places him in it. She puts him as she goes out to the balcony, starts lowering him down. It's it's the night time. It's the middle of the night. It's the middle of a sudden. It's It's swinging wildly in the wind. She's going, she's going, be careful, be careful.

She's going, I will, I will. But immediately, okay, what do you guys think is going to happen? What do you think a witch would have in her room? Oh, yeah, yeah. That is why they turned into mice and not cats, because there are already are cats. Yeah, and they love cats. They love cats. They don't want to stomp cats.

Wait, where are his mice? That is never, is one unanswerable question. They reappear at the end of the movie. They never interact. as mice. They do have a brief interaction in the very beginning where he sees them and talks to them and they don't respond back.

Okay, so they're not speaking the same language. He's speaking English and they still speak mice. Yeah, and they're not connecting. And then we just don't see them again until the end of the movie. Okay. I scared how well I will. And then immediately by cat,

scrowling, his scene goes for him. Luke is eventually able to get away by like hiding in a plant. There's a long excited scene with the cat. Then... What kind of cat? A black cat, of course. Short hair, long hair?

It's getting bunk. It's like bunk. It's like bunk. Cudy. It's bunk. Eventually, he's able to explore the high witch's room. We get to see things like her extra skin mask, lots of potions, jars. He eventually is able to find the formula.

It's hidden inside some books. He steals a bottle, ties it to his tail. And he hides under the Grand Witches. bed because just then the grand witch returns with her assistant. They walk straight out to the balcony and see the grandmother who's still leaning over with her knitting. I look up and they're like, women are so stupid. They're like, what are you doing? And she, the grandmother is like, oh, I'm looking for my grandson and I drop my knitting down here. Have you seen my grandson? They also like know each other. Angelica Houston knows who she is. This.

It doesn't... She already poisoned her nothing ago. Yeah, she had a thousand percent already poisoned her. She says, If I see your grandson, I will.

And then she walks in the room and closes the door so you don't hear the end of that sentence. The end of the sentences, turn him into a mouse. Luke is able to escape eventually from this room

with a bottle of formula when other witches come into her room and distract her. And then he makes it back up to you. his grandmother's room by running underneath the carpet the entire way. There's just a lot of tension around will he get stomped on or not by various guests, not noticing a huge lump running

through the hotel carpet. Oh, they're idiots. Ever than idiot. Bruno hasn't left. The upstairs. He's still upstairs. He's still upstairs. And he is good, except he eat too many grapes and his tummy hurts. They clamber into Helga's handbag to go to dinner. They clamber. Brent, hell is like, hell goes hand back. She, is like, she's like, oh no, Bruno, we've got to tell your parents. And we've been seeing Bruno's parents.

Bruno's parents suck. The son sucks. Obviously, the parents suck. They all suck. But she's going to go try to break the news to them that their son is a mouse. We're close to the end, you guys. We're really close to the end. I mean, I can't make heads or tales of where this story is trying to take us.

So I couldn't have told you if we were still at the beginning, if this is the midpoint. I'm just like, I don't know what's, I don't know where we're, I don't know what our end goal is here. Good. Stay there. Stay in that place of confusion. I want you as confused as possible. Stay there. Yeah.

So imagine for a second, you're sitting having an innocent dinner. Someone approaches you with a handbag, opens it up and says, this is your son? This is your son. I'm a mouse now. I'm so sorry. She tries to break it to them. She says, can we go somewhere private? They say no.

She says, I have somebody to tell you about your son. And they're like, where is Bruno anyway? And then she says, he's here, being in my handbag. She says, your son has suffered a mishap. He's been drastically altered. They're going, what? This woman's crazy. She's saying, I'm trying to tell you as gently as possible.

And then she, like, opens her handbag. And she's like, the witch. The witches did it. My grandson saw. My grandson saw the witches turned him into a mouse. Okay. Well, you started off kind of on the right track there. And then this was maybe not the greatest next couple sentences you could have. Yeah. No. And to be fair, I don't know what the best sentences are. You need more preparation. But not the witch is my grandson saw. The witch is my grandson saw. He's here. He's here. And then open up and it's just a mouse. So that wouldn't work. And so they scream. They're saying. She's crazy. Get the manager. Bruno jumps on the table.

He's eating an olive. And his parents try to kill him. Yeah, they try to kill him. It's pretty traumatizing. Shuffles Bruno back into her bag. She sighs. She rolls her eyes and she walks back to her table and she says, I tried Bruno. Sorry, I did everything I could.

Hey, Bruno, why don't you speak? Why don't you say something? Meanwhile, this is just like some side stuff that's happening. And cleaning up the high witch's room, we see the maid from earlier, the one that was and final girl energy. She finds the formula. She thinks it smells good. She pats some of it on herself.

Like a perfume. She's giggling. She's having the time of her life. She's going to get like mouse neck? Yes. Angelica Houston walks into dinner. She is followed by her assistant per usual. For no reason at all, she just turns and screams at her assistant.

Go back to your room. You're a staff. You do not eat. Go back to your room. The assistant is furious. and whispers, I quit. She had been such a avid follower. I feel like, I don't know what she's doing here.

Then Grandma and Luke end up in the kitchen. Grandma is nervous, but Luke is confident that their plan is going to work. They burst into the kitchen. She acts like she's losing her mind in the chaos with the chef and everyone being like, Lady, get out of here. Luke jumps into a sack of potatoes. Oh, God. Thus, we get like a full rat tattooy, you know, moment of him, like, being in various kitchen stations, various danger happening.

He's got the formula tied to his tail. Eventually, long story short, he manages to dump the whole thing into a soup. I love how many times this week I'd be just like, and eventually a long story short. Honestly, though. Yeah, I mean, how much can you describe a little mouse jumping around the kitchen until the thing happens? We've all. We know it's going to happen. We've all seen Ratattoo.

We know what this looks like. One thing led to another. One thing led to another. It's in the soup. And, oh, this is a twist. The person making the soup happens to be a witch. Oh, my God. They're everywhere.

They are everywhere. But you know, you love to see a woman in the kitchen. We do love to see a woman in the kitchen, except if she's a witch. And then who the fuck cares, apparently. See how insidious this movie is. So we're also seeing, like, fun little side things, like the chef. pulling a piece of chicken out of the trash, wiping on his pants and putting it on a plate for people to eat.

And then he drops in soup, the witch who's making the soup takes a nice, long sip. Big old taste of the soup. There's a sea plot between the final girl made and Mr. Bean having some kind of sexual relationship. And I haven't mentioned it because, like, I just am now. And that's life, you know. I mentioned before because I'm mentioning it now. They have a dalliance, dallions.

In like a dark corner somewhere they are about to make out. But then... They need to have some real quick stuff. But she gets mouse neck. Oh. And now what does that mean? It means that he goes in for a kiss on the neck. Mr. Bean style.

Shocked. Walks away. She touches her neck, goes to look in the mirror. Full mouse fur. Fur. Oh, it's just fur. It's just fur. I was expressing it was going to get like really small. Just the tiniest little neck.

Oh, just like shrink? Like shrink and furry, you know? Yeah. They didn't think through that part. So Luke, dumped in the soup, the soup is contaminated. He's trying to escape the kitchen, trying to avoid all the disasters. A butcher knife takes off the end of his tail at a certain point. He then crawls up.

Into the chef's. Yeah, bleeds. Oh, my God. The danger is real. He crawls up the chef's pants. There's an extended scene, like a long scene of the chef having a full blown panic attack at the mouse crawling up his body. He screams. He cries.

He gets on the floor of the kitchen. The entire kitchen staff is taking his clothes off, ripping his clothes off for a long time until he's eventually naked. And you see everything. And you see everything. And eventually when they get all its close off, they realize there's no mouse. And so now they think he's just lost his mind because in the chaos, Luke was able to escape. Right, right, right. Either he's lost his mind or he's committing workplace harassment. Yeah, or both. Luke escapes to a red dusting pan. Now, this is when, like, the mechanics of this plan start to come into focus, which is, the details, really just the timing. It's so impressive. Intricate.

So he escapes to a red dusting pan. Mr. Bean grabs this exact red dusting pan because moments before the grandmother's table, she accidentally spilled a glass. She spilled it and broke it. Mm-hmm. And she knew. She knew. She knew that when she did that, someone would go and get the red dusting pan that has

her grandson has a mouse in it. That's exactly what happens. Mr. Bean picks up the red dusting pan, brings it out to her table. He's delivered straight back to his grandmother. Does he make it out in time before broken glass is shoved in there with him? Yeah, he does. Of course he does.

Of course he does. He's Luke. He's Luke. There's another plot, you know, about Bruno's parents being the worst. The witches are the ones that are only the ones who are supposed to get this very special soup. No one else is supposed to get it. Mr. Bean has been very clear about that. No one else gets the soup just.

the women from this convention. However, Bruno's dad, he wants to be the exception. He says he does not want the normal soup. He wants whatever they're having. So he's demanding to have the same type. He gets poured the same soup. While that's happening, the witch that's a cook in the kitchen who took a sip of the soup,

she has fully transformed into a mouse, races out of the kitchen, out to the dining room to try to warn the other witch. witches don't drink the soup. It's going to turn you into a mouse. But Angelica Houston doesn't listen to anyone and she's an authoritarian type of leadership style. And that means that she immediately stomps on her, squishes her. Doesn't listen. Luke and Helga watch as the witches are served. There's bowls of soup. They greedily slurp it down. No one has loved soup as much as these witches besides maybe me. And they also spot Bruno's dad getting a

served a bowl of soup. Helga stomps over to the dad. She takes the soup and throws it on the floor. She like bats the fork out of his hand, like pours the soup all over everything. Obviously, he's like, this woman is crazy. What's going on? Does it get on him at all? Because he's going to get little like mouse body. No, I don't think it even gets on him. I think she's so careful about it. She's like, oh, this guy. She opens her purse again out, pops Bruno. This time he talks. He says, hi, dad is true. It's me, Bruno. I'm a mouse.

The mom screams and faints. Bruno's dad looks like he's going to have an aneurysm, but he's silent. Very upsetting. Finally listening. Bruno continues, he's like, don't worry, it's not all bad. No more school, no more homework. I'll live in the cupboard. And the grandmother is like, would you like to know who did this to Bruno?

And then right on cue, all the witches in the other room start turning into There's steam blasting out of their mouths. They're spinning around, ears popping out, squeaking, screaming. Helga points to Angelica Houston. She says, she did it. The Grand High Witch. And Angelica at this point is also pointing, and now they're just, it's like a pointing standoff. Helga's pointing at Angelica. Angelica's pointing at Helga. They're just pointing at each other. She's saying, I'll get you. Helga's saying, No, you won't. No? No. I don't think so. I don't think so. It's your turn now, bitch. And finally, Angelica Houston fully turns into a mouse and the grandma quickly traps her in a glass pitcher. You really get their wigs behind? Yeah, their wigs, their clothes, they're, you know, their pantyhose, you know, their normal elderly female accoutrement.

It's chaos in the kitchen. Mr. Bean is killing mice left and right. All those mousetrops are really coming in handy now. They're just killing all the witches. And the grandma at that point, she says, you have to kill this one, pointing to the one in the glass picture. She says, this is an especially infected one. And he stomps on her.

And she explodes into a sea of green. Ew. Wow. So she's dead. All the witches are dead. And the boys are still. mice. Yep. Oh. She hands Bruno back to his parents. I know that's another thing where I was like, is anyone going to keep her alive? Can you know about this? The antidote or how to do it. Right, right.

Maybe ask a couple questions. We're not going to do that. Um, Bruno's mom is sobbing. He's saying, don't cry, mom, you'll get used to me and you always wanted me to lose weight. Well, look at me now. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. It really doesn't age well. Cut to exterminating. is pulling up, guests fleeing the hotel. It was night time. Now it's morning. I think it's supposed to be continuous in the timeline, but they just couldn't continue to shoot at night. It's hard to figure out the schedule. Really tough. Yeah. Luke and Helga are back in their room. Like they've, they did it. They killed the witches. He's still a mouse. And everything is totally fine. They're packing up.

They're going home. It's basically no big deal. Luke is like, I just have one more quick thing I need to do, Grandma. One more quick thing. I'll be right back. And she's like, okay, Luke, what is it? He's like, surprise. All right. You go ahead.

Cut two. They're back in their house in England. Some time has passed. Luke, still a mouse. You know what? He's having the time of his life. He had great plans for William and Mary. William and Mary are back with him.

They can't communicate, but they can ride the massive root goldberg machine that he's created all over his grandmother's house. somehow from his tiny little mouse hands, or maybe his grandmother used the plans that he'd created when he was a human. Who knows? But he's doing things like, I don't know, flying like a plane. Flying like a battery operator plane. I don't know.

I'm like flying like a plane. Literally, though. That's one thing that he does. There's a lot of other things. Knock knock at the door. There's a delivery. What could it be? Two men wheel in a massive Louis Vuitton trunk, which is worth like 50K on its own.

And they're like, this is for you. Grandma's like, what is this? And Luke is like, he, he, he, open it, grandma, you'll see. And she, like, signs for it. The delivery people leave. Luke is like, open it, open it, grandma. It's really going to surprise you. So she opens it.

It's just a trunk filled with cash, like just cash. And he's like, I saw it in the Grand High Witch's room. This is going to be so helpful when we move to a. America. So this movie is promoting American imperialism. Like, what do you mean? And she goes, America, like she hadn't even thought of this. And Luke is like, yes, we've got to go to America to look for all the witches, all the American witches there. In addition to the cash, there's another thing. What is it? It's a book. She opens it up. She flips through it. The name and address of every witch in America kept. Oh my God.

It's a witch hunt. By the grand high witch herself. And she says, oh, look, what a day. What a day. Perhaps we could find one to turn you back into my grandson. And he says, yeah, how long do mice have to live, grandma? Oh, my God. And he goes, I hope we have some time to take on those American witches.

That's most important. He goes, I want to fly by first class. Or can we go by ship? We'll go by ship. And he's then like getting settled to go to sleep in this like Lego dream house that he built right next to his grandma's house. And he whispers, I really am happy to be a mouse, you know. The grandmother is staring off into space. Like, and she goes, I know my darling.

Okay. In the book. End of the movie. Well, it was supposed to end like this. This is what Roaldol wanted. This is how the book ends. He stays a mouse forever. Yes.

Yes. The book ends with him being a mouse and having nine years to live. Jesus fucking crap. That's how the book ends. In the movie, that wasn't tolerable for anyone. So we have a car. This poor director's child had to see that version. Yeah.

They, yeah. We have a car pull up who's driving it. The assistant, the scorned assistant from earlier. She steps out of the car. She points her finger straight at the house, cackling. At first you're like, what's going on? Neon green light blassue the house, straight into the dollhouse. Luke changes back into a little boy.

Wow, she's setting some things right. Yeah, he busts naked through the Lego dollhouse. And you see everything. You see everything. Do you see? She even gets. gives him his glasses back. They had been crunched earlier, scrunched by one of the witches. Scronched, probably. Scronched. And she recreates them. She returns them to him. So she's a good witch now. Oh, and I guess she returns William and Mary, too? Oh, I have that in my notes. Okay. Yeah. Then she, there's twinkling, happy music. She drives off in her convertible smiling. And Luke screams out the window as a boy, don't forget Bruno. She nods and waits. And

waves. We're thrilled and it's the end of the movie. Lights up a cigar. Diabetes and to the seaside. Wow. Yeah. Also, the grandma's totally fine and cured and doesn't have to worry about diabetes. So that's the movie. What did you guys think? Is that what you expected? We really don't make up like that anymore. Although maybe the 2020 version is exactly the same. I'd be curious. I mean, I don't actually want to watch the 2020 version. Maybe just the highlights. I kind of do. I'm kind of curious now. Yeah, Anne Hathaway. Wow.

I don't know. It's just nostalgic for me. Like, I can't believe I watched this shit as a child and wasn't more upset by it, but I wasn't. It's pretty wild. It's pretty crazy. I don't really know what I expected, but it certainly isn't what just happened. And I don't really know what to do with what just happened. I don't know what to do with it or where to put it

Because there's really no why or how like why or how There's no I've got nothing There's no I've got nothing There's no underpinning philosophy Except be afraid of women Uh huh All women

Because any of them could be bad And also don't shower And don't shower Don't shower and fear women Yeah men harmless Men are harmless. It's going to help you. Mr. Bean, at worst, a bumbling fool.

At worst. Really interesting. I know. I know. Huh. Hmm. I just sit in silence. Yeah.

You know, this one, this one, you know, I'm less familiar with this than I am, Matilda and Charlie Trague Factory and Fantastic Mr. Fox even. And I'm sort of like, I do not know what they. The takeaway is meant to be. I really don't know why this story is. It's. And that's okay. That's okay.

That's okay. That's okay. It's okay. Yeah. I appreciate having had a childhood where movies were like this, even though, obviously, the background messaging is bad. but there's something that I feel like feels formative to have movies in our youth that are like scary and weird. Yeah, I agree.

And you do not know what's going to happen next. And like, it could be bad. There's an argument to be made that actually we're in our political moment because we've been fed only like fairy tales. And the stories we've mostly listened to and heard growing up are like, people are good and the good guy always wins and like bad guy never wins the bad guy's like always defeated and there's something that I think could make you complacent about this and of course kind of that's what this movie is but overarching in the role doll universe keep the kids on their toes you know they're really kept on their toes you really don't know like who's going

to make it out okay and who's not and hey that's life it's it is kind of life so um Got to teach them young. I don't know. I think it's just like seeing Angelica Houston is always fun. And I enjoyed where they shot. I enjoyed all the locations where they were filming everything. And just like the nostalgia of that time. What a time.

It really is such a time. Yeah. Huh. I'm just so much more puzzled than I expected to be. What did you think was going to happen? I mean, a lot less mice stuff. I know. There's a lot of mice content. I definitely thought it was going to be more like witch stuff, like actual witch stuff.

Potions, cauldrons, spells. I wasn't expecting laser eyes and I wasn't expecting mice. That's, I think actually maybe like one thing that makes this movie kind of sacrilegious. is that it does not portray the nuances, the beauty, the layers. The community. The community of what it means to be a witch and to be in a coven. Yeah. It's really not accurately representing that.

All witches are women. Women are all witches. Women are witches. And all witches are good and all women are good. So I'm a little confused by the messaging wasn't that. I'm just a little confused. Yeah. Actually, just a little confused.

Be strange. But, you know, Retold perfectly. Retold perfectly. Retold perfectly. Not a detail, not a moment was spared. I really loved your slightly exasperated retelling.

And there's a long gone not seen with a cat. And then, you know, it's still going to be like a two-hour episode somehow. Yeah. I think it was perfectly done. Perfectly executed. It flew by for me. I could have gone into more detail.

I think the exact right amount of detail was given and I feel great. Could me too. I don't feel great. I feel really good. I feel amazing. Yeah. Thank you, Hen. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Henley. You're welcome. From all of us here to Security and Watch. No. I don't know how to do her. Why don't you guys try to do anything? Well, you're hazin-nut chocolate. Oh, yeah.

So, Ray or woman. but you can do. For more of us here, Too Scared and Watch. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. We did it. We made it.

Thank you all for listening to another episode of Too Scary Didn't Watch. If you enjoy the show, please remember to subscribe and rate us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, five stars only or we will haunt you. And if you simply can't get enough of us, we have good news for you. We have lots of bonus content available on our Patreon at Patreon.com. slash tSDW podcast. You'll get access to video trailer reactions, two bonus episodes a month, the power to vote for upcoming episodes, and more. And last but not least, you can follow us on social media at TSDW podcast.

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