Too Scary; Didn't Watch - TUSK (Vault Release)

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

We'll be back next week with a new episode, but for now, here's Tusk!This episode was previously released on our Patreon in July 2023.Follow the show: @TSDWpodcast on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.Check out our Patreon for bonus episodes and additional content!Rate Too Scary; Didn’t Watch 5 Stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Emily, Henley, and Sammy.Advertise on Too Scary; Didn't Watch via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hi, everybody. This episode was originally recorded in July of 2023. And boy, is it a nasty one. We really hope you enjoy it. And we'll be back next week with a new episode. We love you very much. This is Emily, Henley, and Sammy. And you're listening to

Too Scary Didn't Watch. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Too Scary Didn't Watch bonus episode for the month of July. Second bonus episode for the month of July in the year 2020. Hello. Hello. No Henley with us today. No Henley with us.

I feel like we'll be entering probably a stretch of Henley-less episodes. I mean, she'll be here when she can. but she's got a lot going on folks she's moving she's pregnant she's got a kid it's frankly too much it's a lot of stuff but she's just she'll still be here absolutely whenever she can and it is there's a hole without her we will persevere um and we'll try our bus to make it just as freaking special as is possible without henley present we're going to do our freaking best And she's going to be really, really, really, really happy that she's not here right now. Yeah, I thought, why not, well, Emily and I texted last night that.

It's true. I participated in this. A perfect time to do a movie that Henley has said very many times that she never wants to do. And I think she means it. Like, we've done some of the ones that she's like, no, I'll never. do it. And this one, she's truly always like, no, I'm no, we're not doing it. I'm not doing it. And well, Henley ain't here today. Yeah. I kind of, I'm like, curious to see if she'll feel still a little bit of fomo. Oh, interesting. I thought you were going to say if she's going to feel a little bit

mad that we did it even though she's not here. Maybe both, maybe a little bit of both. Yeah. I think, I think she might. But I think her main feeling will be of relief. And that is because our movie today is Tusk. Oh, God. Oh, God. Came out in 2014, written and directed by Kevin Smith, starring Justin Long, Michael Park's Genesis Rodriguez, and Haley, Joel Osmond. At least for me, for now, friend of the pod.

We'll see after this. episode if we're still friends could be a friendship ender just really damages the friendships beyond repair Tusky streaming on HBO Max for those of you who want to watch it Why would you?

This was my first viewing of it and I knew this is actually one that I read the Wikipedia for beforehand. So I knew what I was getting into going into it. And I think it's because Henley had talked about how much she hated this movie because she read the Wikipedia for it. I was going to say she also did not see it.

But she did read the Wikipedia. And it's still that upset about us never covering it. And I should have I should have trusted that and not agreed to do this. But I have to know. Why? Why is it so bad? What's wrong with me? I hear that and I have to know why as opposed to just being like, okay, well, then, no thanks.

Yeah, you're going to really hate it as well, and you will know why soon enough. Great, great, great, great. Before we get into recapping it, I will tell you that it has a 46% on Rotten Tomatoes, a 55% on Metacritic, and a 5.3 on IMDB. Wow, didn't even make the 6 to 7 scale. No, on a 6 to 7 scale, that's pretty low. It's a really low on that. By that metric. Okay.

Okay. Do you see Edwin it came out, didn't you? And I didn't. What year it came out? 2013. Oh, 2014. Okay. And this is actually an 824 movie, which I didn't realize.

Oh. So, one of the early 824 movies. The budget was 3 million. It made 1.9 million. Oh, not enough. Not enough. And some trivia for us. The movie was shot in 15 days.

Oh, shit. It does feel like it feels like a pretty small production. It's mostly in one location. And a lot of it is just two people in a room talking to each other. The script is pretty good. Like, I feel like a lot of it is just like tension building of two people having a conversation. Which I like, it starts by saying that it's based on a true story. And I'm just saying that to remind.

us to talk about that more later because I can't get into what that means without spoiling things. Okay. And Emily doesn't know anything really about the plot of this movie. What I think it is, but now that you've said that I'm like, no way, is I always assumed it was a man turning into a walrus. Okay. Yep. That's all I have to say about what I think that movie is. That's all I got.

That is on track. On track. And I'll tell you more about the true story at the end. Okay. The other stuff I wrote, Dan, was just about Kevin Smith. This is not a trivia about this movie, this movie, but Clerks 3 came out last year. I just didn't know that at all. I just seems to me.

Clerk's three came out like in 2022. That's what it says. What? Isn't that weird? I don't know why that made me feel like a Mandela effect. Like, that's not correct. because you think it came out like five years ago or not at all or 10 years ago or never yeah huh very interesting that one's got me stumped i don't know what else to say yeah and i didn't realize

that kevin smith also directed a movie called red state i mean i've seen like you know clerks and um mall rats and dogma and i feel like those all have a pretty similar type of of vibe. Mm-hmm. And Red State is way different from those movies. And so I was just very surprised to learn that he had written and directed that. And it was just as I was like looking up this movie because one of the main actors in this in Tusk, Michael Parks is also the main actor in Red State.

Red State was, I don't really remember a lot of specifics, but I remember being very upset by Red State. Okay. Cool. And so I guess it makes sense that Kevin Smith directed both that movie in this movie. But that's kind of all the trivia that I have for now. Again, we'll get back into the true story at the end. Okay.

And I also don't think we should watch the trailer until the end. Oh, until the end. Okay. Well, maybe, or maybe we're not out of time. Maybe. So should we just get into this recap? Yeah, it's now or never. So it's now.

Rip the bandaid off. It's now. It's happening now. It's happening to me. It's happening. I'm in it. Trigger warnings. Oh, no.

I don't even know what really to say. Oh, no. But I will say one. There is a discussion of child abuse. And then just a lot of other bad stuff as well. Okay. So buckle up. Oh, a blanket trigger warning.

Trick a warning is bad. Just watch out, you know. We just sort of generally get, you know, be on the lookout. Mm-hmm. Just have your wits about you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

We start with a couple of podcasters. Two people recording a podcast. In 2014? Okay. Really, really on the. Yeah. They were ahead of the curve of it. This is Justin Long and Haley Joel Osmond have a podcast together.

Would listen. There, no, you wouldn't wait a second before you say. Well, I mean, yes, in real life. In real life? Those two actors, yes. Unless, of course, after this, Haley and I are no longer friends. Oh, right. So, you know, maybe not.

And Justin Long does have a podcast. Justin Long, what is his podcast called? It's like a play on Long. Life is Long or something like that? Just to plug his podcast that I've never listened to. I'm sure it's great. I'm sure it's great. I like him.

Really like him and Kate Bosworth. Me too. I am obsessed with that coupling. Really just thrilled for them both. Yeah, there was a time I spent a full hour on their Instagrams. Oh, yeah. This probably will do that later today. Anytime I think about it, I end up spending a lot of time there.

And I'm thinking about it now. So I probably will. That can be a palate cleanser. Yeah. Great. Okay. So in this universe, their names are Wallace and Teddy. Wallace is Justin Long. Teddy is Haley Joel Osmond. And their podcast is called the Nazi party. And it's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E like not-C party. And they've got kind of a Joe Rogan-y vibe. They're gross. Interesting. assholes.

They are laughing. It starts with them watching a video of a guy accidentally chopping his own leg off with a samurai sword. And they're laughing and laughing and laughing at this fucking idiot. And just having a grand old time. And I will say the video of him chopping his own leg off is one of the more stressful parts of the movie. Because just the second it starts, they're like, let's look at this video. Let's look at this video. And it's a guy that's starting to do kind of a sword, you know,

choreographed sword moves and you just know something bad is about to happen. Oh, God. And it does. And so they're laughing about this. And Teddy tells us that next week, Wallace is going to go to meet with this kid who's been nicknamed the Kill Bill kid. It's a kid. He's like probably 18. He looks like a very young man.

There's again, like making more fun of him. Like he's going to sit down with him. Wallace says something like, well, that's all he can do now is sit down because he's only got one leg. Just really hamming up that they're such assholes. And their sign off is, this is Teddy and this is Wallace reminding you to join the Nazi party, just like real gross stuff. So we hate them immediately. Then we see Wallace getting on a plane to go to Canada. So one of the border agents asks him what he's going to be doing in the country. And he says that, you know, he's doing a podcast where he interviews weird people and he describes it to his friend that is not going to travel with him. So it's, you know, kind of like too weird didn't see. Nazi Just

Oh Sure Okay Too weird Didn't watch Something like that Yeah So anyways

He He is Gets to Canada And makes his way To this guy's house That he's supposed To be interviewing And he arrives

And finds That the guy Is dead There is a Memorial Happel happening. His family is all crying with, you know, looking at a picture of him. And we find out that he has committed suicide. And so we see Wallace go to a nearby bar and he's calling Teddy and he's

like, fuck, the guy killed himself. Can you believe how selfish that is? Like, you know, he knew we were supposed to have this interview. Like, this totally fucks me up. This ticket was $500. This guy really fucked us, just completely unsympathetic to this, this guy being dead now. Wallace is saying how he wants to find somebody else to interview now so that the trip isn't a complete waste of time. So he's looking around seeing if he can spot anything interesting. And while he's in the bathroom, he sees a note written on the, like a bulletin board. You know, there's this little advertisement bulletin boards, things with like, he would call him for babysitting or whatever.

There's a note, handwritten note by a man named Howard Howe, who starts it in this very flowery language about how he's a, he's an old man, a retired sea man who has a lifetime of tales to tell and has a spare room and doesn't want to live his final days alone. so he's offering the room for free for someone who would be willing to do some small chores around the house and want to have conversations with him like someone that he could just basically spend time with before he dies. Wallace thinks bingo, got our guy, calls the number on the ad

and gets the information of where to go. He stops in a convenient, store. I think he's getting gas or something to go to this new location. And he turns to the convenience store clerks who are two young girls and kind of a fun call back to clerks. They're completely like not paying attention at all and not helpful. And the clerks are played by Kevin Smith's daughter and Lily Rose Depp. They, so Justin Long or Wallace is asking them basically, he's on the phone with Howard as he's also talking to them. And he asks if he can use a piece of paper or something to write down the address he's going to.

He makes fun of their accents because he asks where it is and they say it's about two hours away. And he's like, ooh, the girl says it's about two hours away. Like just cannot stop every fucking thing coming out of his mouth. So he gets the address, agrees to go. and now he gets in his car and drives to like the middle of nowhere. It's presumably two hours away from most major, the like major cities. And he goes into this big house and meets Howard. Howard is in a wheelchair by the fireplace.

And there's all these like big paintings and dark wood and a fireplace burning. And it's just like a he immediately starts. telling tales regaling him with, he just speaks in a way that's, you know, old people with rich lives, just want to tell you about the lives that they've lived. And he makes him some tea. This is nighttime now, so some nighttime tea.

Love it. Wallace is just the complete opposite vibe of this. man and is being loud and annoying and the man is kind of sizing him up, but still happy to have someone to talk to. And I think at some point, Howard asks him what he does and why he's, he's, oh, he's wondering why he responded to the ad when he made clear that he's not actually interested in the room. He was more interested in hearing the tales. And Wallace explains this because he has a podcast. And Howard says, you know, what's a podcast?

And Wallace is like, oh, you sound just like my mom. What's a podcast? What's a podcast? Ugh, she's the worst. He's just been so rude to this man. And just completely unaware of everything outside of him. He's very hateable, very hateable guy. Well, I bet he'll get his.

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Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Too Scary for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash too scary. We hear a story from Howard about his times working on vessels, on ships, and she was on a boat with Ernest Hemingway, and some famous Ernest Hemingway quote is actually a quote that he said to him, and it's something about do sober what you do drunk and you'll like never embarrass yourself again or something like that. I can't remember the quote now. Should have written it down. Oops. But anyways, he's saying like, oh yeah, Ernest Hemingway actually said that to me. We got drunk on this boat that we were on together. And Wallace seems like really interested

in this story, which I felt like didn't really match up with his character. But you know, whatever. Then Howard shows him. Howard shows him he has the bottle of whiskey or whatever that they shared together on a shelf in the house. It looks like he has this almost memorabilia collectibles everywhere, just things that he's accumulated from his life, traveling the world. And so Justin Long walks over to this. ski body's like, oh my God, this is so cool.

And as they're talking more and more, Justin Long is starting to look a little sleepy, kind of nodding off. But these stories are getting a little boring. You know, you can only listen to an old person and talk about the past for so long. True. That's true. So I'm kind of like... Maybe he's just...

Maybe he's just really bored. But he's not. But he's not. But he's still looking at. looking around at the little artifacts around the room and he sees something above the fireplace that looks like a wooden baseball bat and he's intrigued by it, asks, what's this? Howard says that's the so-and-so bone of a walrus and he's like, oh, like a walrus spine or something. And Howard says, no, more like a walrus dick.

and it's probably two-foot long bone. And Wallace is like, oh, my God, and starts, like, jerking it off and pretending that it's ejaculating in his face. And he's just like, oh, guess the walruses don't need any help in that area. And Howard is just watching this rolling his eyes and basically says, yeah, walruses are actually some of the smartest creatures that I've done. known and I was personally acquainted with walrus when I was in a shipwreck. I was stranded at sea and made it to shore with the help of like a walrus, a walrus, like, swam by him and pushed him to shore type of thing or maybe didn't push him to shore.

I mean, that'd be fucking awesome. Yeah. And so he's had a really positive. experience with the walrus. And he says he's stranded on this island or something for a while. And the walrus would keep him warm at night. He'd like snuggle into him. And basically just describing this experience with the walrus is one of the most meaningful things that has ever happened to him, this really beautiful connection with nature. And that after spending time there, it was really hard for him to come back to the regular world and how awful humans are in comparison to animals.

And he called this walrus Mr. Tusk. And he misses him to this day. He's never known such a fulfilling relationship. And as he's getting to this part of the story, we see Wallace now really nodding off. His vision is starting to get blurry. And he's starting to slur his speech. And he's trying to ask, like, what did you?

What did you do? What did you put? And he just collapses on the floor. And Howard says, there, there. You'll be all right, Mr. Tusk. Uh-huh. And we cut to black.

Here we go. And then we go to a flashback of Wallace's girlfriend going down on him, presumably a few days before or something. And his girlfriend is, so hot and so nice makes absolutely zero sense at all. They do, she does clarify or she does give us the information that she doesn't like who Wallace has become. They get in like a little bit of a fight after this.

And she's saying, you know, the guy that cut his own leg off, I think this is a little too far even for you guys. Like this is exploitative. And I miss the old Wallace. Like what happened to? the Wallace I fell in love with. So I guess we're getting a hint that he used to be a better person, but from what I see, there's none of that left.

So I don't know what this girl is still doing here. Her name is Allie. And she's trying to have this serious conversation with him. And he starts making fun of her accent. She has like a Spanish accent. And he's like, sorry, sorry. I can't pay attention to you. Your accent is so silly.

Presumably they've been together years and years. Just like a very crazy thing to just suddenly start making fun for accent. Yeah. Anyway, so we come back to the present and Wallace wakes up in a wheelchair with a little blanket over his lap. Oh, no. I think his clothes have been changed. He's in like a sweater. He looks pretty out of it, drugged, kind of maybe even.

paralyzed. We're not sure he's not moving, but his eyes open and he's kind of looking around and we see Howard on the other side of the room in his wheelchair polishing or sharpening what looks like a bone into just a pointy little daggery thing. Maybe a tusk. Wallace had come into Howard's house with this big Big gulp. And this is a meaningless detail that I just found funny is Howard just keeps refilling his big gulp for him just in all scenes. He has his big gulp. And so Howard comes up to him now with the big gulp and is like, oh, you must be coming out of the anesthesia. Like here, hydrate. And he starts drinking his big gulp. Made me laugh. Wallace is asking, what?

is what happened, what's going on. I don't remember what happened. And Howard says, yeah, it was really weird. We were talking. And all of a sudden, you just collapsed. And I couldn't figure out why. I didn't know what happened until I saw a spider crawl out of your pants, a brown recluse.

It bit you. Like, and they're really dangerous, really poisonous. And so the doctor came. came round and everything's going to be okay, but, you know, you're, you need to rest. And so you just have to stay here and rest for a while. Wallace is trying to ask more questions, but it's clear that he's still like pretty drugged. And there's like a part of him that's like, oh, like I got bit by spider.

Like he thinks it's kind of interesting. and then, but he's putting the pieces together and me like, wait, like, why am I not in a hospital? What can I have my phone? I need to call my family. And Howard says, the doctor stepped on your phone, unfortunately. It's the shattered. It's completely shattered. It's like, yeah, but, and you're not in a hospital because hospitals.

are like really filthy places and the doctor thought it would be best if you stayed here where you know there's nobody else that's sick so you can really you're not going to be risk being exposed to anything else it's clear that Wallace is not fully convinced yeah but also he's really confused and doesn't you know know what to do and then how to do and then how Howard reveals, and, you know, unfortunately, the doctor was forced to take drastic measures to save you from the brown recluse bite because they can be deadly. And Wallace peels off that blanket on his lap. And unfortunately, one of his legs is gone.

Yeah. And you, this is where I was like, oh, no, Emily's really. Yeah. Um, yeah. Okay. Not going to like this. Just, you know, just keep going. This to me, I mean, it looks like a pretty sloppy amputation. I'll just say that. It does necessarily look like a professional doctor came and did this. Okay.

Wallace or no, Howard goes out of the room and he's saying, you know, dinner's at six. And so they've cuts to dinner that evening. they're sitting on opposite ends of a long table, very formal. Howard is saying, you know, you're not touching your food. And Wallace says, I can't move my arms. And Howard's like, oh, yes, that's the morphine. It's the only thing keeping you from feeling like the excruciating pain you'd be feeling otherwise. Wallace is starting to look scared and is like crying a little bit.

And he says there was no spider was there. And he's like coming out of the anesthesia more. So he's getting more of his own like realization of what's happening. And he starts screaming and screaming, let me out of this chair, you fucking psycho. Oh, he's also like strapped to the wheelchair, which Howard tells him his first protection because he doesn't have full mobility. He doesn't want him to fall. So he's screaming now and screaming and screaming and Howard stands up. walks over to him.

He is not need that wheelchair. He just walks right over and hits Wallace and basically threatens him and says, like, stop fucking screaming or else. Oh, God. He goes and sits back down at his side of the table, says, okay, like, it's, maybe it's best that we just be honest with each other now. And I will tell you that I have been constructive. a very realistic walrus suit for the past few years.

And I believe that with a few minor modifications, it'll be a perfect fit for you. Oh, God. And Wallace is looking at him, just horrified, terrified, terrified, and starts screaming again. Howard just looks back at him and also screams, mocking his screams and makes kind of fun of the way he screams

and is moaning back at him. and we cut to an exterior shot just reminding us that they're in the middle of nowhere. No one's going to be hearing these screams. So doesn't matter. Scream all you want. And then we cut to Allie again, crying, talking to someone about how she is having a hard time

with Wallace. Their relationship hasn't been great lately, but she wants it to be better. But she knows that he's been cheating on her. and it just like breaks her heart. And we see that she's talking to someone, but we can't see who it is. And she's saying how he destroys me,

but you bring me back and you make me feel beautiful. And to be honest, I don't know how I could live without you. Hand comes in the frame that looks a little bit like Haley Chalasman's hand and strokes her face. And we go back in time now. So she just has bad taste. Yeah. That's Allie's problem.

Yes, Allie. We need to find some kinder men. This isn't, yeah, we need to find a larger pool in which to look. We go back in time now to the podcast episode that they were recording at the beginning, watching the Kill Bill kid, cut, like, see them finishing up that episode and find out that that day, Teddy is taking Allie to the. the Getty, presumably to purge. Teddy is kind of encouraging Wallace to go to the Getty with his own girlfriend.

He's like, well, I'm going with her because you, she says you won't. And Wallace is like, well, yeah, I'm going to go Canada. And like, I feel like there's a lot of hot girls in Canada. You don't, you never know. Like, I could hook up with someone really hot. And in the whole country of Canada, I think there's some hot girls. Yeah. We can see that Teddy is, seems like a little disgusted by Wallace and it's just like you are treating Allie really poorly and I don't know how you can do that. Like, Allie's actually really great. So Teddy's a little bit better than Wallace, I guess. Okay. But still part of the Nazi party podcast. Sure. We don't love that. Don't love that. And so then we cut back to. to Wallace waking up

from another episode, I think, of being drugged. He's now in the house. It's the middle of the night or late at night anyways. Howard, Howard isn't around. And the Wallace's phone is ringing. And so he's now regained movement

in his arms and he's able to wheel himself over to where his phone is, but he just misses the call. And it was Allie calling. And we see Ali plugging the phone in the charger and leaving the room and going to talk to Teddy and just being like, I've called him three times. Like, he's not responding. This isn't really like him.

And we can see that Teddy and Allie are worried about him. But then I think they hook up and they're distracted so that by the time Wallace calls back, they don't answer. They don't hear the phone. And so he calls or he leaves Allie a voicemail whispering, just being like, Ellie, I swear to God, so that he's so bad as happening, basically saying I'm in this general area and some psycho has abducted me, cut off my leg. I think he wants to turn me into a fucking walrus and like I need you to call the police. And then he hangs up and calls Teddy. It's like, Wallace, call the police your fucking self, you idiot.

Yeah, that's that's bad. Really crazy. And is able to leave Teddy a whole voicemail as well. But then we see Howard in the background of the image, like sneaking up behind him. He's hearing him leaving these voicemails. And he knocks him out with the way old penis bone. Wallace kind of comes to. And Howard is standing over him.

And he basically says, I don't think you understand your life as you knew it is over. It's time to embrace your new life because you're either going to be a walrus or you're not going to be anything at all. Oh, my God. Okay, nothing. I choose nothing. And Wallace passes out again. Next morning, we see Allie and Teddy checking. their voicemails and they now know something is wrong and they're going to try to find

Wallace cut back to Howard's house in an operating room type place and we see lots of drawings, anatomical drawings, much better than the human centipede drawings that are a combination of human and walrus anatomy. We also see pieces of flesh kind of hanging up like he's been collecting. We had heard him say earlier he's been working on this suit. So he does have big pieces of flesh from, I guess, other people that he's been saving for this operation. We don't see much of what he's working on, but he is actively. operating on

Wallace and we see him in his latex gloves and they're covered in blood and there's a shot where he

wipes his nose that I was really disgusted by so he's this is not a fucking sanitary operation and as he's doing

this he's telling a story of his childhood which So I guess Wallace is conscious for this. I mean, we're going to have to suspend some disbelief here because there's, you know, not, this isn't a realistic operation that is happening. But he is telling his story of his childhood and he says that he is a deplessis orphan, which is a real thing.

and it's very upsetting. It's basically, wait, who's de pluses? Deplessis was the, as you say, Premier or Premier? Premier. Premier of Quebec? I have Premier. That sounds so stupid. I always sound stupid.

There was just this time, this was in the 40s and 50s, where a certain population of Canadian, children that were orphans were wrongly certified as mentally ill and confined to psychiatric institutions and they were deliberately miscertified in order to acquire additional subsidies. It was like something to do with that that would give them more money. And so all these kids that were orphans were put into psychiatric facilities and treated for psychiatric conditions that they didn't have. Oh my God.

And he's telling this really upsetting story about the abuse he endured there, sexual abuse and physical abuse, and how that was how he learned that humans were, you know, irredeemable, horrible, awful people, and he didn't want to be a part of humanity. Really, really disturbing stuff. as he's doing a very disturbing operation procedure. And as he finishes this story, the camera pulls back to reveal Wallace with his arms

sewed to his sides. Basically, they've cut the skin along his arms and his sides and fused them together, almost like a flipper type thing. And we cut away now and see Allie and Teddy stressed calling the police. They're driving on their way to catch a plane to Canada in search of Wallace. And they're basically going to follow his tracks. They knew where he was roughly where he was going. So we see that they're coming.

But, you know, they're not. Things have already happened. They're not going to be fully in time. We know that. And we cut to what looks to be a marine animal enclosure that Howard has built in his home, like a seaworld indoor seaworld exhibit type thing. And the camera slowly reveals a patchwork walrus, a hybrid thing.

I don't even know how to describe this, but you see like bits of skin stitched together. It almost looks like Sally's dress in the nightmare before Christmas. You know that like the big stitches type of thing, like full patches and stitches of skin. And some of the little patches have ears on them or a nose. Like these are pieces of skin from all different parts of the body. and we're just slowly seeing it revealing it's in a walrus shape,

but it's clearly human skin all stitched together. Ew. It pans around to the front and we see the full walrus body that Wallace has been sewn into and like a part of, like it's part of his body. His fingers are the flippers, but he's basically sewn skin in between each finger, so that they're webbed.

And so, like, as much of it as can be Wallace is Wallace, but because walruses are big, there's also clearly other people's skin in there as well. It's really horrifying. And Wallace has two big tusks that match the thing we saw Howard carving earlier. So his tusks are made from the bones of his own leg. and they are in his face and as tusks and his tongue has been cut out so he is not able to speak and he's just going is it his like human face he I think his nose has been removed or reshaped to more closely match a walrus nose only his eyes are really

and his mouth is his mouth is pretty human and his eyes are pretty human but everything else is kind of as as best as he could matches a walrus face okay

and I will say it looks pretty fake I think there would have been a grosser way to do this but I mean it doesn't look not gross don't get me wrong sure sure sure sure okay it's upsetting

you wouldn't like to see it. Okay. I'm interested in that. But it also looks so unbelievable that I think I don't find it all that scary, especially the, I was like very throat. I thought that we would get a slower progression into becoming a walrus. Yeah, I'm sort of a walrus. Because realistically, you can't do this significant of a surgery all in one go. Especially a one person. One person who essentially looks like he's been somewhat skinned and the skin rearranged in ways. I don't know. It just seems like it all happened so fast.

It all happened so fast. Okay. But here we are. And he's like flopping around now on it when it would be really fresh surgery. He would need to heal for so long. So, yeah. Ew. And it doesn't really.

feel like that's the case. He doesn't seem like he's necessarily in pain. I mean, I guess he is nonstop, like, moaning and screaming. So maybe he is. But somehow I was holding on to that as like, that's not real. We see Allie and Teddy now going to the police station in Winnipeg, which is where he flew into.

And they're showing a photo of him and basically saying he came here. And now we can't get a hold. of him. And so this detective puts a missing person's report out and is saying that, you know, he'll help them. And and then he remembers that, oh, they describe the voicemail or play the voicemail about his missing leg. He's like, he cut my leg off. And this reminds this cop of something. And he's like, oh, I just spoke to another detective who I think you guys might want to talk to, who has been looking for a serial killer that cuts the legs off of his victims. And so...

Not a great thing to hear. No. And so they get this detective's number. Cut back to Wallace and Howard. And Howard says, you know, if you're going to be a walrus, You're going to have to learn to swim, knocks him in the water of this enclosure. It's like a little, you know, a tank and pushes him into the water. Wallace is screaming, moaning, flapping, trying to stay afloat, but can't and start sinking down into the water and sees at the bottom of this tank the kind of decaying corpse of another walrus person hybrid.

So we see that this has... Didn't the walrus well enough. Yeah, that this has been done before. It wouldn't want to be in that water. Cut back to Allie and Teddy meeting up with this new detective that they have been given the contact information for. This man has a really crazy wig on and crazy facial hair and the craziest accent. that I don't, I don't even know how to describe it. I really wish I could do it.

It's like French Canadian. He's supposed to be French Canadian. So it's French Canadian, but it's mixed with like Heath Ledger's Joker. And also Boston. And this guy, this actor's going so big. And I'm looking at it going, what the fuck? This is like Johnny Depp doing a bit. And I'm looking at it more and looking at it more.

And I'm like, that's Johnny Depp doing a bit. It is Johnny Depp. Wait, it is? It is. Yes. It's the actor Johnny Depp in this movie. That's right. And I was so hot off guard.

And he's, it's supposed to be funny. I mean, he's doing like a Johnny Depp character. Like, as his daughter was in it, they must be friends. Yeah, I think him and Kevin Smith must be friends. Huh. Okay. That was, I was not. expecting that. My name is a guy le pont and I'm doing it. It's not even that, though. Okay. What does he say?

He's like, and let me tell you that this is a... It's so crazy. I, from this point on, my jaw was on the floor just at this performance. I just couldn't believe it. It's so wild. It's such a huge swing. So anyways, Teddy and Allie are talking to this absolutely insane detective who They're at a burger place. He orders burgers and he's like smashing them with his hands. And he's telling the story of being on this serial killer's tracks. And he's saying that he's found some, I've found some of remains. And always the legs are amputated.

Oh, my God. And the tongues are ripped out and the holes in their skulls. It's like, I'm doing it really badly. But it's because it's indecipherable. There's no way to know. sure what this accent is yeah but he's telling them really horrifying details about the case and he's saying you know we got to find your friend fast if he is in fact with Howard how because uh his victims suffer horrible fates if they have this guy's name why haven't I think because I think Wallace said it on the voicemail oh but they they can't he's like not listed anywhere it's a fake name I think oh I see I see I see but it's the name he uses. So detective, what is his name?

Guy Lepoint. Lepoint. Le pont. Le point. Le point. It's familiar with the name. And they're horrified by hearing the description of how the bodies were found. And he says, it is a one of fuck of a bummer to look at.

I can tell you that. It's just so crazy. Oh, my God. And he says, the crazy thing is, I think I have actually met Howard Howe once upon a time. And we got a flashback and this kind of French music plays as if this flashback is going back like 90 years, but it's two years ago. It's like sepia toned. And he's saying that as he was searching for a previous victim, he ended up at this guy's house. and was asking him questions.

This guy was talking about the brown recluse spider, and we see it, you know, it's a flashback. So we see that it is Howard Howe. But Howard Howe is now doing another crazy accent, like a huge crazy accent. And so it's just Michael Parks and Johnny Depp have a pretty long scene of them just talking to each other in the absolute craziest accents I've ever heard.

The scene is insane. I think this is genuinely the craziest scene in cinema history. I feel like it's worth watching this scene. I just could not believe that the choices they made, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Wow. Okay.

Two actors going so huge. I just, yeah. Wow. It really wasn't expecting it. So, uh, it all, it almost feels like drunk history the way this scene is filmed. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just tonally, it is so different from some of the earlier film. And I will say tonally, this movie feels kind of all over the place and the direction in scenes is really weird in like Nodda feels like an unintentional way. Okay. So anyways, we cut back to Wallace and Howard. And Howard is like leaning next to him, making him into his little Mr. Tusk. He's calling him Mr. Tusk and he's singing and he's like, oh, like, it was so nice, like being together. And he's reminiscing on the good times with Mr. Tusk. And he starts singing an old sailor song.

Sea shanty. Yes. And Wallace is like crying. Now, but the way he is crying is the most walrus-y sounding noise he's made so far. So it kind of sounds like a walrus roaring while Howard is singing. And Howard, after the song is done, he goes, oh, Mr. Tusk, you must be so hungry. And he gets up, he grabs a raw mackerel and he throws it at Wallace's feet. and Wallace's flippers rather.

And Wallace is so hungry that he eats this raw mackerel. And it's really awkward because his body is not the right shape to lean down anymore. So it's really just this has to contort himself in this very upsetting way to be able to rip apart this raw mackerel. And Howard is just watching him in glee like so happy. He's got his little walrus back. Why doesn't he just get a woman? Yeah. That's a great point.

I guess I don't know how one would do that, but it seems easier than whatever it is that he is doing here. It does seem easier. And it would get him closer to the goal, you know? Yeah. Though it would perhaps be more dangerous transporting a walrus. Oh, I feel like, I feel like this is the right choice. so is a safe for choice. All right, fair enough.

So we now see Teddy and Allie and LaPoint on the move. They're looking for him. They're following in his tracks. They go to, I can't remember now how they find that he had stopped. They're basically interviewing people at places that he had been at. And someone says, oh, I think he like went to this convenience store. They go to the convenience store. and the clerks tell him, tell them that, you know, he wrote down the address on a pad of paper

and LePoint says, can you give me that a pad of paper? And he just was so wrong. This is not what he sounds like, but it is just as crazy as I sound. And he does the thing where he does a little pencil drawing over. It's like the indentation. The indentation, which reveals the address. so now they know where they're going. And Teddy says they do that in Big Lobowski.

And LaPointe says, that's actually where I learned it. Isn't that just so weird? Just to say this dialogue, it's so weird and crazy. Cut two back at the Howard's house. He's now in the water with Mr. Tusk holding his flippers, swimming with him as if it's like a child and they're doing swimming lessons. They're like twirling in circles. And he's talking very.

lovingly with Mr. Tusk being like, it's so nice to be with you again, Mr. Tusk. I missed you so much. And through this conversation, we learn that Howard actually killed the real Mr. Tusk because he was starving to death on the island. And he killed him and was starting to eat him and got rescued like 30 minutes later, his very own missed situation. And so he's just been riddled with guilt over. He's like, I didn't need to kill him. I got rescued and that was all for nothing. And Mr. Tusk died for nothing, but not anymore.

Like you're back now, but you need to prove that you're a walrus to me. We need to make you full, full walrus. Oh, God. We see the three other characters arriving on the property. They get guns. They know that they're, you know, going to be coming into a pretty bad situation. they don't totally know. They don't totally know.

And Howard has now dressed up as a walrus. He has a second walrus soup, but his looks more, you know, temporary. He says, okay, to go full walrus, you have to fight me. And he's got footage playing in this enclosure of walruses. And so it like feels like they're on an iceberg or something. I mean, it's, you know, doesn't actually, but that's what he's trying to make it feel like. And we're seeing, you know, the big walrus fights in the background, how they have the male, like, fighting for dominance type thing. And he's like, well, to go full walrus, you've got to kill me and prove to me. Like, you're the, you're a strong dominant walrus. And you see in Wallace's eyes that he, like, really wants to kill this man. But it doesn't know how. And Howard says that he. says, I can see your survival instincts have kicked in.

And it's like, time for us to fight. And he's like, but my survival instincts have kicked in as well. And he stands up in this walrus costume, ripping all the stitches of the skin and like, birthing out of it, like covered in, I don't know, the inside of the skin, the goo and like blood and nasty shit. And he has the whale penis bone and he raises it over his head. he's about to hit Wallace with it. When Wallace takes his tusk, one of his tusks sinks it into Howard's foot. Howard screams and drops the walrus dick.

And Wallace is able to crawl on top of him because he falls backwards and stabs him through the chest with the tusks. And as Howard is looking up at him and with his eyes wide with surprise and almost pride, like he's feeling happy that he's created a strong walrus. And he looks at him and says, it is accomplished. You are my Mr. Tusk. And Wallace stabs and stabs and stabs and stabs. And he's going like, oh, wow.

And he looks pretty similar to. to the Walruses in the background that have these huge violent fights. And at that moment, Teddy and Allie walk into this scene. I don't know how they recognize Wallace, but Ali immediately is like, Wallace. And she's screaming, like, obviously incredibly upset and horrified. Teddy can't even speak. He's just looking so shocked. And LaPointe walks in and almost shoots Wallace.

But Ali stops him and says, no, no, that's Wallace. Don't shoot. And we're all just looking at Wallace now like covered, tusks covered in blood looks like a full walrus human, bloody walrus human. Oh. My God. Over Howard's dead body.

Cut to black. Text comes up one year later. And we see Teddy and Allie arriving at an exotic animal sanctuary. They go through to the back and there's a very sad looking pool and little house area that almost looks like in a, you know, in a hamster cage, how they have this. domes that they can go and sleep in. It's like one of those and a small pool surrounded by a chain link fence and they're standing outside of it calling out to

Wallace saying Wallace, come out. He's not coming out. I'm like, oh, he's not coming out again. Teddy looks at Allie and says, give him the treat. She pulls the mackerel out of her bag and throws it into the enclosure. Wallace comes out, devours the mackerel immediately and looks up at them and Allie is crying and she's saying,

I love you Wallace, like I've always loved you. And I will always love you. Wallace is looking up at her kind of blank faced. We're not sure how much Wallace is still in here. And we get one last flashback to when they were fighting. And Ali says something like, I can't even remember the last time I saw you cry. Like, you're so out of touch with your emotions, basically. And he's saying, like, I don't cry anymore because I'm not a baby.

And she says how crying is a good thing. And it shows that you still, it's like what makes us human and shows that you still have a soul. And we cut back to Wallace's face as one tear slides down his little whiskers. and Tusk and that's the end of the movie Oh my God Yep

Okay Um Sure And there's an after credit scene of LaPoint just like burping And saying You just had to have that

Sicken de slider I just like had to tell you that You should have seen the writing on the wall. Okay. All right. So, so, sure. I won't be, I won't be thinking about this ever again. You know, and you know, I can imagine why reading about this on Wikipedia would somehow be worse than you describing it to me.

Yeah. Yeah. It'd be worse if I read it all on like two paragraphs, you know? and it's very bad, but it also felt really fast. It's fast and it is kind of funny. I mean, it's supposed to be like ridiculous and silly. And, um, yeah, I feel like reading the Wikipedia is probably worst and seeing it's probably second worst. Probably so, yeah.

No, I think seeing it is the worst. And then maybe Wikipedia's the second worst. Yeah. Okay, I guess you're right. I also think it was, I thought it was going to be more, um, I thought the torture was going to be more drawn out. Yeah. The physical torture, certainly the emotional and mental torture is quite prolonged.

Yeah. Um, but hey, how about that? How about that? How about tap out Tusk? How about Tusk? And yeah, the true story, quote unquote, true story. Oh my God, I fucking forgot about that. No, no, no, no.

It's not bad at all. I just, and I could have said it earlier, I guess. It's not bad at all? I would say it's not bad at all, which is that it was based on a prank Craigslist ad where someone basically wrote a Craigslist ad that sounded like the ad that he saw in the bathroom. that was like come come live with me for free except they said the only requirement is that you sometimes dress up as a walrus and act like a walrus for me got it and Kevin Smith on his podcast found that and thought it was so funny and on the podcast they like riffed on it and were

saying like we should make a movie out of this this is so funny and had his listeners either to tweet hashtag walrus yes or hashtag walrus no is being like should we make this movie like this is so crazy and hashtag walrus yes won and so they made it it was always going to win you pose that question you think more people are going to go no don't make the movie yeah i mean i'm sure it was yeah i'm sure walrus yes won by a lot but okay yeah all right that's it and should we is it weird to say it's not as bad as i thought it was no I mean, I didn't think it was bad at all. I mean, not at all.

That's not fair to say. But it's like it's closest to human centipede, which is a movie you know that I like. So. Well, and I think human centipede is way worse than Tusk. Yeah. Way worse than Tusk. So, all right. Yeah.

So we did it. But human centipede still reigns. Human centipede still rains. But we still got to watch this trailer. So, oh, God damn it. All right, fine. Always disover what you do drunk. I don't teach you to keep your mosh up.

Hemingway said that. Yes, he did. And he said it to me. I don't want you to go to Canada tomorrow. For the podcast. It's what I do. I travel around and I interview weird or interesting people. So look out, you crazy Canucks.

Wandering Wallace takes a raunchy road trip up to the Great White North. Hello. I'm an old man who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. And after eons of oceanic adventure, I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone why I have such stories to share. How far is bifrost from here? It's about two hours from here. It's about two hours away.

I hate American guys. Good evening. It's nice to meet you. Good, I interest you in some tea. So what happened after the boat sank? I was alone. And then something very swift and frightening moving by. me. A walrus saves your life? The walrus is far more evolved than any man. I've ever

know. Present company included. Thank you. You're welcome. Would you? There there. It'd be all right, Mr. Tuth. He hasn't called me in three days. I'm worried. Why are you doing this? Humanity? I don't understand.

Who in the hell would want to be human? This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something. Okay, that was upsetting. Yeah. It's upsetting. And it's, we got to say, we saw Barbie right before this. And just what an awful trajectory to go from Barbie to this. I'm just going to keep thinking about Barbie.

I'm just only going to remember today. All that happened today is I saw Barbie. That's all I'm going to. We just have to hold on to that. I'm going to erase this from my brain. Yeah, no, that trailer was grim. Yeah. Michael Parks is like very good at being really scary.

Yeah. It's like so dark and gross in there too. Like I had forgotten how it was just like a big old dark house. Yeah. And I don't know why it really threw me that he had a big mustache. Yeah, I should have mentioned that. Justin Long wasn't expecting the big mustache. You should have mentioned it.

I should have mentioned that. There is, in the trivia, it does say how, because he has a podcast called the Nazi podcast, and Hitler has a mustache with just here. And it says, and Wallace has a mustache with everything but the part that Hitler has. And I'm like, I'm not sure that that's. I don't think that's intentional. I think that's how facial hair grows.

I don't think that's a, mustache doesn't connect. I don't think that was necessarily grasping in straws. IMDB. But it was written in there. It's like it's a reference to not him.

But yeah, so. Well, I got to shake that one off. I got to shake that one off. We did talk to Haley Joel Osment today. Ran into him. at Barbie. We ran into him at Barbie and asked if he had anything to say for himself for being in this movie. And he said, he stands by it. So we won't be getting any apologies.

We're not, yeah, we asked for what, we asked for one. Didn't get it. So we're going to have to heal without that, unfortunately. Might I recommend to you all if you are in need of some healing, go see Barbie. Because it's incredible. Go see Barbie. It really ruled really, really great. Really, delightful and I cried a lot. Me too. Which you know I love to do. And I actively avoided and I was still really, really thrilled. Yeah.

But okay, we did it. We did Tusk. We did it. What a freaking day. What a huge day for us. And we will be deleting this from memory. I mean, I didn't, I didn't hate it so much. I had half a good time and half a bad time.

All right, 50-50. 50. Could be worse. Yep. Could be worse. Yep. Well, patrons, hope you had a 100% good time. And if not, we're sorry, but nobody else who made the movie is sorry.

So that you're just going to have to live with that. You're going to have to live with that. And we love you. And we love you. And I guess we don't usually end the bonus episodes with a voice, do we? But there just is such an accent in this. Yeah, go give it a whirl. Femol de vizier too scary

It's like too French It's like not that French Because there's also So many other Boston I think you said Boston It is a really nested to see I can't fucking do it

You're gonna We're gonna have to post a clip or something Because it's just Yeah I would love that I would love that It's so crazy So Fremol de vasia too scary Didn't watch

That's just 100% French I'm not doing it right But goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye. We did it. We made it. Thank you all for listening to another episode of Too Scary Didn't Watch.

If you enjoy the show, please remember to subscribe and rate us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Five stars only, or we will haunt you. And if you simply can't get enough of us, we have good news for you. We have lots of bonus content available on our Patreon at patreon.com slash TSDW podcast. You'll get access to video trailer reactions to bonus episodes. a month, the power to vote for upcoming episodes, and more. And last but not least, you can follow us on social media at TSDW podcast. We'll be back next week with a new episode.

We love you. That was a HeadGum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, That Was Us, now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show This Is Us. That's right.

We're going to go episode by episode. also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot.

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.