Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Coping with the Death of a Child: Toronto Mike'd Podcast Episode 1734

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

In this 1735th episode of Toronto Mike'd, Mike chats with Larry Klopot, who recently lost his only child. Throughout the grieving process, Larry journaled his feelings and has recorded his writings to help others coping with the death of a child. Toronto Mike'd is proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, Palma Pasta, Ridley Funeral Home, Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball, the Waterfront BIA, Nick Ainis and RecycleMyElectronics.ca. If you would like to support the show, we do have partner opportunities available. Please email Toronto Mike at [e-mail].

I'm in Toronto where you wanna get the city love Welcome to episode 1735 of Toronto Mic'd, proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, a fiercely independent craft brewery who believes in supporting communities, good times and brewing amazing beer. Order online for free local home delivery in the GTA. Palma Pasta, enjoy the taste of fresh homemade Italian pasta and entrees from Palma Pasta in Mississauga and Oakville. Toronto's Waterfront BIA. Check out what's happening on Toronto's waterfront this summer.

Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball. Get your butts to Christie Pitts this summer for the best baseball in the city outside the dome. RecycleMyElectronics.ca. Committing to our planet's future means properly recycling our electronics of the past. Building Toronto Skyline, a podcast and book from Nick Ainiis and Ridley Funeral Home, pillars of the community since 1921. Today, making his Toronto mic debut, it's Larry Clopot. Welcome Larry.

Thank you. Great being here, I think. Well we'll discuss that in an hour. You can let me know how it went. But I'm really glad you're here and it's always good to see you. Well, it's great seeing you. I've got to say at the outset, you've been such a remarkable support and friend over the last little while while I was recording the podcast and certainly in that period of time before I actually came in here and sort of kicking my ass to get it done. Well this is a great teaser Larry because we're going to walk through everything over the next hour here.

I'm thinking of the last time I saw you was at TMLX 19 at Great Lakes Brewery. You and Arlene were there. And you guys were also at TMLX 18 at Christie Pitts during a Toronto Maple Leafs game. So it was good to see you at those two events. We're fans. Well I'm honored that you know that you listen and that you come out to the events and get your palm pasta. And you know this episode it's a little different. We're gonna talk about that you listen and that you come out to the events and get your palma pasta and you know this episode it's a little different we're going to talk about Alex and Your podcast that you just alluded to

But maybe off the top we give a little background on how we know each other How does that sound set the table by how how does Larry know Mike? How does Mike know Larry? So let's introduce another character this story. And I want to hear more from you than from me, but Tyler Campbell, who's listening at home in MIMICO, he plays a role in this. But how did you learn I exist and how did we initially connect, Larry? Several months ago, I was, I had lunch with a former colleague, good friend, named Roger Campbell. Wait, Roger Campbell, the gentleman that we sang Happy Birthday to at CMLX 19 at Great

Lakes Brewery. That's right. Okay, with a name that sounds like he should be in Mad Men, right? Roger Campbell. We need Roger Campbell on this account. Anyway, so we were having lunch and I was talking about sort of what I've gone through in the previous almost a year at that point and talked about how I was writing almost every day about about my son, about our grief. My son passed away on May 2nd of 2024. And I said that I was thinking perhaps as a pipe dream that I might do a podcast.

And of course he went, wait a minute, my son is friends with Toronto Mike. And that just kicked it all off. We were within days there was a connection being made emails going back and forth and then you and I jumped on a zoom and had our first conversation I remember Tyler reaching out he said Mike would you chat with my dad's friend Larry and I said of course and we had a couple of zooms we got to know each. And we'll get into this in some great detail here. But you mentioned you lost

your your only child, you lost Alex, your son on May 2nd, 2024. Right. And then you journaled throughout this this process, this grieving process, you've been journaling. And off the top, I'm going to let the listenership know that you and I have recorded and published a six episode podcast series entitled, Why Am I Here and He Is Not? A Father's Journey to Make Sense of Loss, Love, and Hope. And all six episodes are available right now. And during this conversation, we'll get into, you know, what you recorded and why. And by no means do I think this is gonna be easy for you. I know how I feel, so I can't imagine how you feel,

but maybe you can tell us a little bit about your son, Alex. Sure, my son was 34. He was, I guess we were, he and I were close, but in sort of an odd way. We interacted almost every day. My son had lived his life

with some mental health issues. You know, I talk about it in the podcast that, you know, there were, there were demons within him sometimes that got the better of him. Uh, but the parts that I want to write about and talk about certainly, we need to address mental health issues, but the good part of him, you know, the incredibly generous part of him, the loving part of him, um, you know, the part that was always looking for love, uh love and found it often. And in fact, I guess the last grade love of his life is his daughter.

When he passed away, his daughter, Addie was 11 months old and his pride and joy and, and ours now, you know, she's being brought up by just a remarkable mother, you know, who's now a single mother, but we just love seeing them and Alex would be proud of her. Eleven months old, Addy was, when Alex passed away. Now, you know, you and I, so as we have this Toronto mic'd conversation, you know, I look back and I think about the fact we've had many many

hours together where we talked about Alex and I heard you reading your journal entries into that microphone and listening and I made sure I had a box of Kleenex because it was required at many many a recording we required the the box of Kleenex. So I played a little clip off the top right I'll just a little like I played a little music off the top before the the intro. Can you tell us where that little piece of music came from? His music. Well, that little music I played that pulled open off the very, very top there. For the last, for the, I guess the last couple of years of his life, Alex became quite enamored with recording

some music with friends in a studio. He seemed to be a great writer of verse of ramps and, you know, was obsessed with tunes and that piece that that you put at the top in fact it's part of a video that was put out posthumously unfortunately and it is dedicated to alex but i guess the the poignant part for me is the day before he died, he was filming the video for a piece of music that they had worked on. And I've said this in the podcast,

I've said it to a lot of people. Driving him out to the East End to start the filming, I don't think he had ever been happier. He was finally getting to do what he wanted to do. He had recorded lots of pieces and this was now gonna be put into a video. And then, you know, the next day I was taking him to finish the shoot when in fact, you know, he had a break, had a,

I guess a break from reality while I was with him and ended up, you know, with, with police and ambulance and everybody trying to help him passed away in an ambulance, literally, you know, two feet in front of me. So I've said this to you before I'm gonna say it again how I'm so sorry like I'm so sorry that you lost your boy Alex I don't think there is an appropriate age to lose a child so unless you want to live 250 or something like that but it's just so terrible and it it's not natural right it's not that the natural way of life that, you know, you would bury a trial before before you go.

And this, you know, you mentioned on May 1st, 2024, he was in his element, right? He was a hip hop head. So he would, you know, he had flow and he would write these these rhymes and he was recording this rap video. these rhymes and he was recording this rap video, sounds like in the East End, May 1st. And that's a day where you saw your boy, Alex, just in his element, just as happy as you've ever seen him, is that right? For sure. That long drive out to the East End was, you know, I replay that often, thankfully, in my head, along with many, many, just thousands of little pieces of his life that I replay.

And look, admittedly, some not good, some that we have to talk about mental illness, and that's really the scourge of it, and often the lack of help that people get when they're suffering from a mental illness. But that wasn't his whole life and it didn't take up all of his time, quite the contrary. But that day was just a happy day for me to be driving him and just chatting and talking about, you know, obviously the music he's going to, he, that they're playing, talked a lot about sports.

He certainly had his opinions and we certainly argued for 34 years, I think. Almost since he was, you know, a toddler, we would argue about sports. Didn't help, I was, I'm from Montreal and he's- Oh yeah. Right. Okay, so you're a Habs fan yeah just a little bit yes and he's he's from here right so he was naturally a Leafs fan yeah yeah although he'd like to have when he was young and he whenever

he played hockey a lot it was a great hockey player and for a long time he wore number 10 for a Gila Fleur because I he thought that would honor me, I guess I'm not sure. And then I think when he sort of woke up and realized that he's not Montreal not a Habs fan. He switched that number pretty quickly. But there's a lot of fun in that right when you're in your boy and different sides of the sporting equation. So, so before we return to May 2nd, 2024,

I just wanna hear a little bit more about Alex. So he's obviously into hip hop. He's recording that video on May 1st. And at the end of this episode, I'll play the song because they did finish posthumously, as you said, they did finish this video. But I'm trying to understand more of his passions. How good a hockey player was Alex?

When he was younger, he was a great hockey player. He, you know, was always the smallest kid on the team, or mostly the smallest kid on the team, by far the toughest kid on the team, and almost always the leading scorer on his team. And he went to the GTHL and he, you know, I think he didn't want to move on in GTHL because I think smartly he didn't want to be obsessed with seven day a week hockey. You know, three, four days a week was enough for him. But it was a huge part of our lives. So a lot of hockey. He's a heck of a hockey player. I also know because my son Jarvis was at a TFC, he's a soccer fanatic, my son Jarvis. And Jarvis was at a TFC match at BMO field.

We won 3-0, so it was a great match to be at actually. And Jarvis was very proud and honored to have one of your son's TFC scarves with him. And Jarvis was holding it up during the anthem there, but your boy also a big fan of TFC, right? Yeah, he was a huge fan. Convinced me a number of years ago to get season tickets, which I did. And of course, convinced me that two seats weren't enough

because you wanted to always bring somebody or have other people come with him. So we had four seats for years. And for the first several years we had tickets, I went and, you know, not I'm a fan, but not a huge fan. And then he just, you know, wanted to bring other people and that was certainly fine with me but look I was there during when they won the championship the weather was you know in the middle of winter weather been there in the heat and in the you know the storms and everything else but he lived and died for the for TFC you know talked about

them all the time you know would would yell at nobody when they made a bad move or a bad trade or a bad game or when they brought in somebody. But he was a consummate TFC fan. And then every year we got scarves because we were season ticket holders. So we had a pretty big collection of scarves there and speaking of big collections, what was his relationship like with hats? Yeah, more than scarves, he was obsessed with hats. Had hundreds.

I mean, after he passed away and we were going through everything, the number of hats astounded us everywhere we went. Arlene and I were just laughing no matter where. We went into boxes and there were more hats. We went into the store room and we found more hats. So we thought it would be nice because he had a lot of friends from a lot of parts of his life, from a lot of different times in his life. I just piled up all of the hats and invited some friends and invited some family and everybody came over so they could pick a hat or two or three, whatever they wanted, because there was certainly enough, pick a scarf because there was certainly enough of the TFC scarves so they'd be able to keep a piece of Alex and now there were

on hats there's one to give you with great thanks two of his collection one Raptor and one Leafs because frankly the Leafs one was easy to give away from from our house thank you honestly I got a place for these two on full display. And every time I see these hats, I'll be thinking of you. I'll be thinking of Arlene and your boy, Alex. And thanks so much. Thank you very much. That's amazing.

We'll be on display here. Love my raptors. Love my leaps. They'll be on display here. Thank you, Larry. Can you tell a little story? Because again, we've spent lots of time together this summer and I remember a story you told me. I'm hoping you'll share this, but a story about the LA

Dodgers hat. Yeah, in fact I have it here and I was actually gonna wear this but I didn't want to give the impression now that I'm a big Jays fan that I'm actually a Dodger fan. You're a big your big Otani fan But Alex always wore the hat with the LA logo on it in fact, he had the LA logo tattooed on his shoulder and Everybody that knew him called him LA Names Alex everybody called him LA, right? If I guess since you know junior high or a long time.

And several times we asked him what it stood for and he sort of wasn't sure that he wanted to tell us and would sort of make a joke about it or not tell us. One time he asked us, asked me to call him LA because everyone else did and you know, I somewhat regrettably now said you know we gave you the name Alex we kind of like Alex and we're gonna continue calling him that didn't know why we just accepted the fact that everybody called him LA and then literally the day of his funeral when so many more people showed up than we expected, friends of his.

Somebody told us the story that when he was very young, there were two Alex's in his circle of friends. He was the smallest, so people called him Little Alex, which he hated. But instead of getting them to change completely, he just had them call him LA. And that became his name. I mean, I think there were people who didn't know his name was Alex. It was just LA. So he wore his LA hat often and with pride. Gann had it tattooed on his arm because that was really his life.

That was who he was. And if you look at if anybody watches the video, you'll see that the other people in it are wearing L.A. hats, which they were wearing in tribute to him. And you know, they were pointing to it and it was all all in honor of my son. It's amazing the stories and things that your children sort of keep from you, like they have these different worlds, right? And sometimes the worlds need to be kept separate. But like, that's a story you learned at Alex's funeral. But you know, it's like he intentionally kept that part of his life away from his parents,

because you have a different relationship with your parents than you do with your buds. Sure. That's interesting. Sure. We found out a lot of stuff at the funeral and then the days afterwards at our house. We were, I guess, happy to hear. It's tough to say happy, because it wasn't exactly a happy time.

But happy to hear so many of the stories of Alex and his friends and how he reached out to his friends, how he helped his friends, how he helped people get off of drugs, he helped people in tough relationships and get out of them or to figure them out. He just reached out to a lot of people, people loved him, but maybe it's the old story that he helped so many people but had difficulty helping himself. Helping the helper. Now, I'm gonna take you to a happier time,

which is the birth of Addie. So tell me what it was like in your family and what was it like for Alex when Addie was born? I guess it was a thrill for our family that day. I think leading up to it, we weren't sure. Alex kept it a little bit distant from us. And then we'll never forget and we'll relive that day often.

He called us in the morning and said that Rita is in labor and he's going to the hospital with her. It was early, we weren't sure. And we asked if he wanted us to come down. And you know, his independence rang through and he went, no way, no, don't come down now. And then, you know, a couple hours and we stayed in touch, you know, what's going on. And a couple hours later, he called and said, please get your ass on down here.

You know, he's about to become a father. And he did. He, you know, minutes after that, Addy was born, little premature, and obviously beaming. He was just so excited at holding his daughter. We were excited. And since then, we've been incredibly thrilled and happy to get to know Rita and become obsessed with Addie. You know, clearly our commitment is that she knows who her father is. And how old is Addie now?

She was two in May. So her first birthday was literally a couple of weeks after he died. Man, again, I'm so sorry, but you lost your boy on May 2nd, 2024. And you talked a little bit about the mental health crisis he had that that led to his passing. You said 34. Yeah. My goodness. I don't know how much you can let us in again. Everybody should know there are six episodes of a podcast you can listen to where Larry reads from. I'm actually I'll read the description then I'll get back to that awful awful day But the description for the podcast which is called why I am here

And he is not a father's journey to make sense of loss love and hope the description is After the devastating and sudden death of his son Larry began to write about his innermost thoughts and emotions that are part of his and his family's lifelong journey of grief. During this podcast series, Larry reads selected excerpts from the journal he has been keeping since that terrible day in May of 2024. You will hear his emotions coming through as he chronicles his life without his son. He has dedicated this podcast to his son with the hope that anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one Will be partially comforted by knowing that they are not alone

So these six episodes exist right now in in the public realm and you can listen to it But are you willing to share a little bit about and I can't imagine but like when did you have the wherewithal to actually? journal what you were experiencing and can you give us a sense of, I can't imagine, and this is a difficult conversation, but what happens when you watch your son pass away in front of you and he's 34 years old and coming off one of the best days of his life? Yeah, obviously very difficult. you know, starting with that day, nobody can imagine.

I'm sure there are some people who can, but it's so difficult to imagine being there. But at this point, I will say that there was no point through the, you know, the work of the EMS through, you know, having the police come by to try to calm them down and then the ambulance showing up. There was no point that I thought that this wouldn't just be another episode that, you know, will go into the books as one of, you know, having these bipolar moments and that we'd be fine. And even when the technician came and said to me, you know, his heart stopped, we're giving him CPR, I really didn't think at that point that it was gonna be the end.

So that was difficult and was lost. Obviously it was lost. Obviously, was lost. You know, we spent some time to arrange a funeral, to arrange a shiva, to have people and friends and family informed, which is certainly a difficult thing. But I was lost. You know, I just had no idea what to do. And there were some great counselors around,

one of whom said, you gotta write this stuff down. You know, they knew that I liked writing, but most of my writing was business type writing. But I talked about liking that and they said, you really have to do it. And when I started, certainly the first couple, I always gave the caveat that this may be the last. But it wasn't.

And it was almost every day, slowed down a little bit now. But I guess I had to make a decision at the beginning that I don't think I thought about, it just happened, was can I keep this inside of me? You know, I'd lived my life generally as a private person. I didn't mind being out there in terms of, you know, at work or at business. I didn't mind that personality,

but not many people were able to break through to hear what's my innermost feelings. So writing this journal, I guess I made a commitment and again, I'm not sure that I consciously made it, it just happened, that everything was gonna be left on the table, so to speak, that I was gonna write exactly the way I felt, what I thought at the moment, what it was like going through that moment,

what it's like going through the flashbacks of that moment, and the help of other people and how it affected Rita and Addy and Harleen and the rest of my family and her family and his friends. So it just started flowing. And the natural question that I get from people is, you know, geez, that must be so cathartic. And I can say without reservation, I don't know what cathartic is, if that's cathartic, because there's, you know, I don't come out the other end feeling better. You know, I'm not going eureka, like I've now expressed it. I come out of it saying I had to get this out. I had to of it saying, I had to get this out.

I had to talk about it or I had to write about it. And at the beginning, I was very reluctant to send it to people. There was a circle of three or four or five people maybe that were getting it. And then I started expanding that circulation and started thinking about, you know, started thinking about all the other people that are going through it. And we started, you know, going to grief groups

and to, you know, groups of parents and general grief groups. And I started realizing that this is a topic that people should you know they want to hear should hear because people shouldn't be going through this alone they shouldn't feel that they're completely alone in the world when they're going through this kind of grief and there is no singular form of grief when you lose a child right right and my first so when I was first introduced to you by Tyler, and then I was zooming with you and you were telling your story, my initial thoughts were Aaron Davis, of all people. Like that was my first thought because Aaron, who long time CHFI,

radio personality, her only child passed away on her first Mother's Day. And so she had a similar age child and passed away very suddenly. And Erin experienced just a wide variety of things and stuff. And I was thinking that there are so many people out there, and I'm thankfully not one, but I can completely feel empathy towards so many parents out there who have lost a child. And the thought that they may think that they're alone in what they're experiencing. And I thought, oh, Larry, if you could share your writing,

if you could share what you're going through since that horrible day on May 2nd, 2024, somebody's going to hear your words or read your words and realize, oh, I'm not alone. I get what Larry's describing. And I think that's invaluable. I hope so. I mean, that was certainly one of the objectives of putting this into a podcast. It wasn't just for me to continue hearing my own story. It was really to see if it did help people. And, you know, not many people know that it's out there.

I mean, some do. So I have received some feedback and every bit of feedback I get is just so touching. It's on, it honors Alex. Every bit of feedback I get is just so touching. It's on, it honors Alex. There were a couple of, you know, I've received feedback from a couple of people who actually said exactly what I hoped would happen, which was they felt less alone

as they were thinking about their own grief. You know, they were able to identify the fact that grief is, you know, it's intermittent sometimes. It just lurks there sometimes and comes up and, you know, bites you in the butt. And when you least expect it, I talk about it in the podcast, I can sit here and tell you a story about Alex that, that with about Alex that with perfect calmness. The next time I tell it to somebody, I might be weeping uncontrollably. It just lurks there.

So you don't know when it's gonna happen. It could be for me, sometimes when I pass an intersection and think about it. Sometimes when I hear something about TFC or you realize in 34 years, there's millions of moments. And you know, you think about those moments. But again, you know, I've spoken to and seen a lot of people that I think are so lost as we are and were that it, you know, maybe it's just thinking of the podcast as

a friend to get through some of this. So when you're in these, these groups with other parents who have lost a child and you share these six episodes, the feedback has been something you just explained it nicely there, but it's something to the effect of I'm not alone like just appreciating that you put this out there And that it sort of validates feelings and then and just makes you feel less lonely in your grieving Yeah, I think so I you know the feedback I've received from a couple of you know professionals in in the business You know in the grief business or in the counseling business, and it's been really positive. You know, everyone feels the same.

It's sad, you know, it's, I think, perhaps it's a compelling story, whether you've lost a child or not, but you know, it's compelling. But if you have, if you're going through grief, you know, there've been counselors who would like to use it or offer it to other clients of theirs who are going through it. That's very satisfying. You know, if that

takes place, that's really satisfying. Put something out into the world that will help people in your position. I mean, I hope that's satisfying on some level. Well, let me explain. After I put it out, after I was in your basement and after I passed the initiation of hitting my head on the ceiling, I think the first or second time. Well, you did it again today. I know.

I don't learn easily. And Arlene will attest to this, I was not thrilled that I had done it. You know, I sort of moped around and started talking about, well, maybe I'll just take them down. And it was just, it was difficult. It was difficult,

because I think there were a lot of people that heard it and it became difficult for them. Like, what are their comments gonna be? Particularly friends and family to me. But beyond that, I just went, I've just now really exposed myself to everybody. There are some things in the, in the, in the excerpts that I put into the podcast that are really raw, like they go to the core. I mean, this is generally, a lot of the excerpts are from the first few months

after Alex died. So the emotions were sitting right there. And I felt them again, it came back again. I knew that when I was typing most of these that I was, you know, my keyboard was getting covered in tears. They were hard to do. So I really did think for a little while after I recorded them that I made a mistake.

And, you know, certainly Arlene's support was, you know, you didn't make a mistake and it's going to help people. And I wasn't sure. And then you start getting a little bit of feedback and every bit of it validates it somewhat. Doesn't lessen the fact that I, you know, that I know that that it's raw and that it's, you know, every bit of my emotions there. But I'm, I'm really happy that I did it now. that that it's raw and that it's you know every bit of my emotions there but I'm really happy that I did it now. Yeah like you said you exposed yourself so naturally you felt vulnerable I would assume. Very. Yeah. And I could see having that like I'm taking him down like that's too raw that's too inside baseball

too inside Larry if you will. Yeah, for sure. Can we spend a few minutes? You mentioned Arlene again and just spent a few minutes talking about Arlene. And I wanted to let the listenership know that Arlene is actually the reason that Scott Thompson became a FOTM and Scott Thompson visited. And I give full credit to your wife, Arlene, for that. So, Arlene, if you're listening, and I hope you are, thank you for setting that up because I love that conversation and I love kids in the hall, I love Scott Thompson, so thank you for doing that.

But you know, and again, some of these questions will be tough and then some will be more general, but when your son passed away in front of you on May 2nd, how was that call to Arlene? I can't even imagine, but I don't know, I keep thinking, what would I do? I guess you call Arlene and tell her what happened? That sounds so simple to say out loud. Well, going back to that morning, I think as the morning was unfolding, you know, I guess in a little more detail,

I was driving Alex and we got to, he was, it was beginning to happen while we were in the car together. And we stopped at a Circle K to get him a drink. And we knew, I knew that we, I'd be dropping him off, you know, a few blocks from there to finish the shoot. But he started getting more and more agitated

and losing it more and more and was gone. Like he wasn't listening to anybody. You could see he was in a different world. He ran out of the store, ran across Ellesmere, ran into a bus, the side of a bus, ran into cars, kept falling down. Is this a manic episode, Larry? He was in the most manic episode that I've ever seen him in.

And that's when I called the police. While this was unfolding and, you know, the police came and ambulance came and he went into the ambulance, I was calling Arlene who was in the gym connection wasn't good and I think Arlene had received many calls from me over the years of you know Alex in whatever state like doing something that was not good and I was there rescuing him or trying to rescue him or doing something with him or picking him up. So I think none of, I mean Arlene I don't think panicked through the call. Again the connection was difficult and then I just

remember that last call standing in the parking lot before I got into my car to go to follow the ambulance to the hospital. And I, like I don't remember the exact words, but Arlene screamed. I was, by that point, already breaking down. Arlene didn't know what to do, because she was in mid, basically, at York Mills and Young. And I was in Scarborough, so I just said for her to go home, I called a friend of hers, dear, dear, just a wonderful woman to come and take care of Arlene.

And then Arlene came to the hospital to meet me. So it was really difficult, you know, thinking back on it. I mean, what parent wants to receive or give that phone call? It's crushing. Difficult part was being alone for, you know, the next hour or so until Arlene got there. But I will say the people at the hospital were, you know, they were great under the circumstances, but there's so much of it that's just a blur. Right, and in this screening process which you documented

along the way and then there's these selected excerpts that you literally read to us and this is the the podcast people can listen to right now. Maybe after this chat you can listen to it. When, when... I guess, yeah, I'm pausing for dramatic effect as I collect. I find this over, like hearing you tell this story, and you're able to tell it without the emotion, like you're not crying. I don't think you're crying right now, and you're kind of telling it matter-of-factly, and I've kind of experienced this with you before, but I can't help but transfer. Like, I mean, you talk about Alex, and I picture my oldest son. Like, I find it just just so chilling and just hearing you talk about this and it's so unimaginable

to me. I know saying sorry doesn't help one iota, but I'm wondering if you experience with Arlene differences in how you grieve and what that's like for a couple when you lose your only child. and how you grieve and what's that like for a couple when you lose your only child? Like, do you have your, what you're going through and you're documenting it and we can all kind of experience it through you right now, but Arlene, I must assume, is experiencing grief in a different manner because very,

no two people experience it the exact same way. So what is it like with your co-parent, your wife, Arlene, during this process? Well, before I get into that, let me just say you're saying that I'm, you know, recounting the stories now and not crying. I can tell you that 20 minutes before I got here, I stopped to just go over and look at some of the, you know, the entries of the podcast, sitting in a park not far from here.

And I'm sure people walk by going, what's with that guy? Like he's crying in his car. Right. Um, because again, it was reliving it and just trying to understand myself, what was going on. But in terms of our lane, yeah, look, everyone grieves differently. A mother grieves differently than a father. I had a very different relationship, I think, with Alex than Arlene had. But it's, you know, I'm gonna say the pain is the same.

It's how it's sort of handled may be different. Arlene's a remarkably bright, strong woman and sort of looks at life with it is what it is. And, not sure stoic's the right word, but she does grieve differently. But we go to, there's a group we go to once a month together. Arlene has a mom's group that she goes to.

She has lots of close friends that she talks to. So it is different. It is different. It's only been 14 months. Yep. 452 days, but who's counting? Exactly. Who's counting? So how are you doing today? We're talking on July 28th 2025 how many days since was that number you just dropped on me 452 450 two days later. How's Larry doing right now?

These days it never a question that I can answer because it's it's so momentarily it's so momentarily like it's you knowary. Like it's, you know, now great, I'm sitting in your studio and, you know, we're talking like we're friends and just I'm telling you the story. But who knows what's gonna happen 20 minutes from now or half an hour from now. Or for me, it's really,

it's difficult at times. And I'll go back, you know, I can't minimize the fact that I was there, that, you know, I, you know, that at the beginning I kept talking about, you know, do I have PTSD from having gone through this? I don't know, I don't think so. But I have flashbacks to that day often. I've told people that you know no matter what

How good a mood I am or you know? Golfing or I'm out doing something. It's all good, but there certainly has not been a day that I don't have moments of quiet weeping Sometimes you know sort of loud weeping if I'm alone and just let go sometimes, you know, sort of loud weeping if I'm alone and just let go. It's, you know, things remind me. But I don't mind being reminded. I think that's, you know, that's the difference with a lot of people. Early on in this process, we, you know, we talked to some people who couldn't, you know, two years later couldn't look at pictures of their child. There was, you know, there are other people who couldn't go into the room that their child

lived in. And I will admit that at the beginning, at the beginning of the process, I'm going, I don't understand that. How could that be? You know, my house is filled with pictures. We talk about it all the time and we show Addy pictures of her dad all the time. And I realize over time that everybody's grief takes a different form. And I now understand why people couldn't do that stuff. But it's different for us, but there are things we probably do or don't do that other people can't understand. So it, you know, there's an underlying consistency to grief,

but there's also many layers of it that are different for everybody. It's a long journey. You know, it's the final realization that the journey doesn't end. And you made reference earlier to what I would consider triggers, but you like thinking of

Alex, right? You enjoy remembering your son. Yeah, I do a lot, but look, some of the triggers are also from the incredibly difficult times we had. Alex's bipolar led to a lot of things that people need to address, and they need was led to a lot of things that people need to address and they need to address it better. Like it led to, you know, self-medicating, it led to drinking, it led to, you know, to doing drugs, it led to a lot of stuff that maybe he wouldn't have if he wasn't bipolar, or if he didn't have mental illness.

And like a lot of cases, you know, he was diagnosed young with ADHD. School was never his friend. But, you know, maybe it wasn't ADHD. Maybe it was the early...you know, I'm not a professional. I'm not a doctor. I just have lived this life with him. And there were some incredibly difficult times that I think I would want to highlight for people to understand that that is that doesn't affect your love that it doesn't affect the commitment to your child but there were lovely moments and there were

happy moments and there were you know I've said it I think I may have said it in the podcast but I miss the sports talk. I miss the, I miss the arguing. I miss the arguing about politics because, you know, he had a very narrow view, but didn't mind expressing it. And it was the same about a lot of things in his life. So, you know, we, at the time we'd go seriously, how could you even think that?

But now we look back and you realize that was every bit of that was Alex. Are you still journaling? Not as often. I think one of the things that I needed to get through was the first of. And that was all in May, his birthday, you know, his death, his birthday, his daughter's birthday, mother's day, those were all difficult days. And I didn't know how to necessarily express that

until after the month. So I've slowed down considerably, but I will continue doing it. I, you know, hopefully I'll continue doing more podcasts. Like I think that it's, you know, I've said to people that I would be sad and disappointed if six episodes was the period on the sentence of my involvement in expressing myself and talking to other people

who are going through it. So we talked about Arlene. There's another A I want to ask you about. Can you tell me a little bit more about Addie? She's this really beautiful little girl who is, I'm not gonna say obsessed with me, but really close when she sees me. There's nothing better than when Rita pulls into the driveway and I walk out and she sees me for the first time with a huge smile. Or when she's finally becoming quite verbal, calling me Zadie, there's nothing warmer,

nothing warms my heart more than that. There are really sad moments sometimes with her, but she, we point out pictures of him, I talk about him, I don't wanna hold back, you know, we point out pictures of him. I talk about him. I don't want to hold back. And, but again, you know, a lot of that's going to be up to Rita with how much we, how much we get her involved in it in understanding him. And we have lots of stuff of his, you know,

that hopefully she'll want to have, but she's a great joy. I mean, she's an incredible joy for both of us. I see Arlene's face just light up whenever she's in the room, whenever she's near us. And we wondered, I think there's a part in the podcast that I talk about early on when she came into the house and she was a year old or around that. And just came in and was happy and playing around. And then I picked her up and she just seemed sad and hugged me. And we kept thinking,

does she feel something in this house that he lived in? He had an apartment in the basement of our house. And maybe, a lot of people have said, babies do have that feeling. But we just hope she grows up happy. We're going to do everything we can for the amount of time that we're around to help her do that. But we just don't want her to not understand her dad and how much he did really love her.

Well, Addie is lucky to have you and Arlene. It's a lot of love coming at Addie's way. Luckier to have Rita. I mean, who's really just a great mom Absolutely, absolutely so to let the listeners know after the extra I'm gonna play the Song that was released posthumously. There's a video on YouTube and I Guess in in honor in in honor of I I guess, can I call him LA? I think he'd want me to call him LA.

Absolutely, 100% he wouldn't want you to be calling him Alex. I think that was reserved for us. Right, I totally see it as a, you gotta keep the world separate sometimes, you need a little separation there, I get that 100%. If someone is listening to us right now, Larry 100%. If someone is listening to us right now, Larry, who a parent is listening to us right now, who is mourning the loss of a child,

what would you say to them? people, talk to people. I've spoken to, you know, I guess over the last year and a bit, to some other parents who have experienced this, other, like suddenly, people in, in fact, in my family or my extended family or friends' family. And there's, there's often a reluctance to bring in other people, to bring in counselors or to go to a group. And I will tell you, I was reluctant. There was, you know, one side of me was saying, yes, I needed to talk to people. And I got a call from an organization saying

that they were basically screening me to see if I qualified for a group. And we had a long conversation and they said yes. And then at the end of the conversation, the counselor, the social worker, said to me, you'll be the only one who lost a child. There's going to be a maximum of ten people, probably a few less, but there'll be less, but you're the only one that lost a child.

And it made me very reluctant to wanna join. And it was for an eight week period, once a week for eight weeks on Zoom. And it was the greatest thing I had ever done. You know, just to, first of all, to understand other people, understand that, you know, the many phases of grief, whether it's a parent, no matter how old you were,

there were people in the group who were quite elderly who had lost spouses and, you know, parents. So it helped me immeasurably. It certainly helped me put into context a lot of the feelings that I was having. So I would say that to everybody is don't be afraid to reach out. There are some organizations, it's not always easy to get to somebody. But you know, we lucked into an organization that's up in Markham and we go once a month

to a parents group. I speak to a counselor once every few weeks from there. So that would be my first advice. Second advice is don't hide any of it. I think that's the part that other people are most uncomfortable with. Thinking that we may want to hide parts of it or we may not want to talk about Alex or we may not want to hear about their kids, you know, the joys of their kids. And in many cases, their kids' kids, now that there's lots of babies that are coming around. And it's the complete opposite. We want

to hear about their joy and we don't want to hide Alex. We don't want to be uncomfortable or have people uncomfortable talking about Alex. And I'm gonna throw another one on the list here, which is listen to this six episode series. And again, it sounds like there might be more episodes in the future, but these initial six episodes, it's called, Why Am I Here and He Is Not, A Father's Journey to Make Sense of Loss, Love and Hope. And when I post this episode of Toronto Mic'd on torontomic.com, I will absolutely have

a link on how to subscribe and listen. It's available wherever you get your podcasts. And I think it's invaluable for somebody who's going through that coping with that kind of grief. And I think you were very, Larry, I will say this, you were very courageous, because you did have to expose yourself if you will you had to be very vulnerable and and expose yourself and I don't think that came naturally to you because you you wanted to delete those files right after you got home probably but it's out there now and I think it's going to help people

and I hope on some level possibly and hope this doesn't sound callous but maybe in some way it will even help you Larry look I think it already has and I hope this doesn't sound callous, but maybe in some way it will even help you, Larry. Look, I think it already has, and I think that, I think maybe even more importantly, I think it honours Alex. And it's definitely something that I will commit myself to forever is figuring out ways to honor my son, you know, his family, as well as have open discussions about mental health. And there just needs to be more of that. You know, a hundred percent and, you know, privately we've had a couple of chats where I totally relate and Totally agree with you on that and we'll have private chats about that again in the in the future

Since I already risked being callous. I'll do it one more time and ask you a question I feel like this is almost an insulting question, but I'm gonna ask it anyways. It's my show Larry. Okay, this isn't your show Does it get better? Like, does it get easier? Yeah, I don't know how to answer that because the reality is we're still early on. And I've had long discussions with people that are 10 years out, you know, that are

five years out. Does it get easier? I think, you know, day to day may get a little easier. The early dark days when you think that it's just not going to ever change. You know, those are gone. I think that, you know, as I was saying before, the sort of this intermittent stabbing of, you know, grief in your back, it could happen without notice, and without warning. And that's, you know, that doesn't

get easier. But overall, I think doing the podcast, doing the writing, doing the writing, doing, you know, getting this stuff out of me, and I would recommend everybody do it. I would certainly recommend everybody who can to do some sort of journaling. If for no other reason that at the end of whatever you've written, you can reread it

and understand a little bit more of the way you've just felt. So yes, got to get it out, Larry, like you got to get it out. Even if no one's ever going to read it, except you, you need to get it out. I agree. So in answer to your question, yeah, a little easier on one level, it will probably never be easier on other levels. There's still, you know, there'll always be the moments, there'll always be the memories, you know,

in a restaurant, you go by the neighborhood. They'll always, that'll always happen. Now you don't live in Scarborough, but serious question, do you find that you map your route to places you got to go to avoid that intersection? I did I did for I I'm not there a lot, but I remember the first time that I sort of almost accidentally got there You know because there was traffic and there was You know whatever the route was and all of a sudden I just realized and looked up and I was staring at the little Plaza parking lot

Where he died where the ambulance was where I stood for you know, however long it was and Pulled over like I you know in traffic I got out of the traffic and stopped and pulled over and just wept The next time I went there The next time I went there was on the anniversary, on May 2nd of this year, and I followed the exact route. I left my house at the same time, stopped in the same store, went into the same parking lot

and parked my car where the ambulance was. They're probably not happy. I took a drink that was the same as the one he bought and spilled it in that spot and stayed there, I think probably 45 minutes or an hour, but I don't know. You know, it could have been 20 minutes, I don't know. And wept and just, you know, sort of relived every moment. It did get some of the demons out of that place.

That might have been cathartic. That I would say yes. If there was anything that was cathartic at that moment, yes, that may have been it. Could I drive by there now? For sure I could. It's never gonna be that I can't, that I don't remember or that I don't pause,

but it's not gonna be the same as that first time I got stuck in traffic parked in front of that at Exact Plaza. Because Larry, you experience trauma watching your child die in front of you and that's trauma that you experience. So I'm glad, I am glad to hear that in addition to the journaling and having the great support of people like Arlene, that you're also talking to people about this because it's not just mourning the loss and coping with the loss of a child, but that is a traumatic experience that you, you experienced on May 2nd, 2024. And I can't imagine, I can't imagine, but I am glad you've decided to expose yourself

in this way and share because I'm hoping people who are going through what you're going through will listen and feel some comfort, some solace in the fact that they are not alone. And you too, Larry, are not alone. Thank you. This was not easy for you to come by and spend an hour talking about this, but you battled the traffic to be here and I just want you to know I appreciate it.

I consider you a buddy. I've got to thank Tyler and Roger Campbell for hooking me up with Larry and Arlene. You guys are fantastic and much love to you both. And thank you for the hats. I think that's a very touching gesture. You've been remarkable. As I said right off the top, you've really been incredible in this process. And I don't know if you could imagine how much you've helped through for both of us.

And thank you. I don't know what to say, Larry. you've helped through for both of us. And thank you. I don't know what to say, Larry. Where I need that Kleenex, bring it over here. And that brings us to the end of our 1735th show. Remember, I'm going to fade down this theme and play the tribute to LA, the rap video that was put together posthumously. Go to torontomike.com for all your Toronto Mike needs, including links to this podcast, Larry Clopot has put out. Much love to all who made this possible.

That's Great Lakes Brewery. I got some more fresh craft beer for you, Larry. I know you dig it. So. I do. You're bringing some home. Palma Pasta, Toronto's Waterfront BIA,

Toronto Maple Leafs baseball. I know we met for the first time in person at a Toronto Maple Leafs baseball game. And I have a book here, Larry, on the history of Toronto Maple Leafs baseball. You can take that home with you as well. Thank you. Oh, great. Recycle my electronics.ca, of course, building Toronto Skyline and Ridley Funeral Home. See you all Wednesday when Eric Coren makes his Toronto Mic debut.

See you all then. God to monsters, masters and commanders, tip your hat to the soldiers, gods and monsters, masters and commanders, tip your hat to the soldiers There's a lot of greed in this game, no loyalty Money is the root of all evil, that's your tea Casualty, now I'm rolling down a lonely road Not knowing when the enemies gonna snatch my soul I feel the hate in the air, and I see it clear It's too close to my soul, Lord protect me here Beware, cause the killers out there Beware, cause the killers here, fear no man but God When you come at me you see the sun, I took it around

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Drop a dime, screamin' for the nine We really both a crime Blue clouds, got you for the day Win a north, drop em off Yeah, I see you when we play I'll play Guards and Monsters, Masters and Commanders, tip your hat to the Soldier Salute! Guards and Monsters, Masters and Commanders, tip your hat to the Soldier Salute! Guards and Monsters, Masters and Commanders, tip your hat to the Soldier

Salute! Guards and Monsters, Masters and Commanders, tip your hat to the Soldier Salute! Salute! Salute! Salute! Gods and monsters, masters and commanders, tip your hat to the soldier C'est loup, c'est loup, c'est loup Thanks for watching guys!