Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Every Spring A Parade Down Bay Street, Vol. 3: Toronto Mike'd #1215

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

In this 1215th episode of Toronto Mike'd, Mike shares the 3rd instalment of Every Spring A Parade Down Bay Street featuring David Shoalts, Gare Joyce, Liam Kelly, Gerry Hall and Toronto Mike. How to Succeed in Sportswriting (without Really Trying) features at least two entries a week and sometimes a fair bit more. Gare takes readers behind the scenes in the sports media and comes clean about his most abysmal failures that he had managed to mostly cover up--recent entries include Gare getting chased by police through the stands during the closing ceremonies at Boston Garden or writing the leads of a reporter with chronic writer's block--a reporter who happened to be working at a competing paper. Paid subscribers to How to Succeed in Sportswriting get exclusive stories, full access to the archive and Gare's home phone number. Subscriptions start at $5 a month. Visit garejoyce2022.substack.com to register now. Toronto Mike'd is proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, Palma Pasta, Canna Cabana, Ridley Funeral Home and Electronic Products Recycling Association.

The puck is dropped. Kelly at the poofy. Poofy gets the bounce ball. Bounce ball weak. Takes the shot. Goal! A wild finish. The players jump on the ice. Here it70 on your radio dial. A wholly owned subsidiary of the Toronto Telegram.

Greetings, my fellow Torontonians and those of you outside the city limits, looking enviously at our great burg. I'm Red York, the long-serving, award-winning, and endearingly modest columnist with the Toronto Telegram, the great city's newspaper of record. And this is every spring a parade down Bay Street, where Toronto's smart set tunes in to get the latest in news and a savoury reheating of lore about that greatest of sports franchises and truly the pinnacle of human enterprise, the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's long been my honour and a lucrative side hustle to host this show and serve that most loyal and inevitably rewarded fan base, what people call Leafs Nation,

which I originally coined back in 1967 when the Leafs taxied Lord Stanley Silverware down Bay Street in the first of a string of 56 consecutive cup championship parades. For longtime listeners and other upstanding citizens of this city, please be advised that my memoir and quasi-official history of the franchise is available for your listening pleasure on Audible. Yes, it's also called Every Spring a Parade Down Bay Street because, let's face it, those seven words neatly capture the spirit of the thing. For you audiophiles and keepers of tradition here in Toronto,

you would likely prefer the vinyl edition. Eight LPs available in mono and quadraphonic editions on sale at Sam the Record Man, A&A's, and Records on Wheels. You're eligible for a special 15% discount on a second

copy. Just use the code word Schmaltz. The folks at my publishers, Vainglorious Remainders, tell me that the hardcover sales of every spring a parade down Bay Street rank it as an international bestseller. It contains a flexi-disc

of the 48th Highlanders playing their rendition of The Maple Leafs Forever. It's been translated into 33 languages. Presumably one of them is English. Ah, yes, listeners. Those are the dulcet, if impertinent, offerings of one Bud Hewitt, the latest progeny of the first family of hockey broadcasting in God's own city.

Thank you, Red. It's great to be back. Caught you on a front-page challenge. No surprise you lapped Pierre Burton Pierre Burton set his boat high spinning. Yes, and Gordon Sinclair got his kilt in a knot about my correctly guessing the featured headline of the night. Hard to see why he'd be upset by that. Seems only fitting that you were able to souse out that headline and it was the decision of the trolled Toronto City Hall to restore the red N sign as the national flag.

A vocal in my support of the move, I submitted an unanimous brief. Was it just me or was Betty Kennedy flirting with you? Bud, my lad, that's how unseemly rumors get started. I am a happily and enduringly married man. My beloved Scarlett and I celebrated our 54th anniversary the other day. Give my best to Scarlett. I'm ready to have. Another voice coming in from the peanut gallery. Listeners, that was Ted Reeve III, the grandson of the moaner, a Toronto sports legend in his own right on the gridiron and later a sports scribe at the telegram and not

coincidentally my mentor there i'd prefer to have the original along for this ride but i guess i owe your family one i deeply appreciate that it's an honor to sit at my grandfather's desk in the telegram newsroom i should let you know that i picked up several copies of your every spring of parade down bay street box set I'm giving them out for Christmas. Shut up. Can't shop too early is my motto. Not if you're looking for quality. It's topped the chum charts for 30 weeks.

Breaking records held by Johnny Bauer's Honky the Christmas Goose. Honky, honky, the Christmas goose Got so fat that he was no use till he learned how to blow his nose honk the way a goose nose blows after that and just for fun it was a simple matter he would blow his honky horn to see the people scatter. Cars and planes and trucks and trains learned how to blow his nose. Ho! The way a goose nose blows. Christmas Eve was bright and clear.

No trouble was inside. But often space and traffic jam gave Santa Claus a fright. With rockets, kites, and satellites, and dogs, and dogs, and all. His team of tiny reindeer were slowed down to a call. Oh, Honky, Honky, the Christmas Goose, got so fat that he was no use, till he learned how to blow his nose. Oh, the way a goose nose blows.

Santa sure was worried for their children on his list. He had to get a move on or their stockings would be missed. Just then he heard a honky-horny coming down the sky, and everything moved over to let the sleigh go by. Oh, honky, honky, the Christmas goose. Though he's fat, he's still some use. Now he rides in the Christmas sleigh. And he honks his horn to tell the world

that Santa Claus is on his way home. The secret's clear of the shack, here comes Shaq. He's found a knack, Eddie, Eddie Shack They call him the great entertainer But ah boy, Eddie's no clown He couldn't be made any plainer It's great to have Eddie in town So hear the track, here comes Shack He knocks him down and he gives him a whack He can't score goals, he's found a knack Eddie, Eddie Shack him down and he gives him a whack. He gives him a score of goals. He's found the knack.

Eddie, Eddie Shaq. He started the year in the minors and almost gave up the game. And booms his back with a big club and the Leafs haven't quite been the same. Wow! Clear the track. Here comes Shaq. He knocks him down and he gives him a whack. He gives him scar goals, he's fell a knack. Eddie, Eddie Shaq. It's great to see him on right wing, or is it the left wing he plays? Maybe it's both at the same time, he skates all over the place. time he skates all over the place so we're the track here comes shack he knocks him down and he gives him a whack he gives him a scar gold he's found the knack eddie eddie shack so we're the track The greats of the game Are hanging the skates and the sweaters In our Hockey Hall of Fame So, we're the track Here comes Shaq He knocks them down and he gives them a whack

He gets the score goals, he's found the knack Eddie, Eddie Shaq Eddie, Eddie Shaq Eddie, Eddie Shaq Eddie, Eddie Shaq Eddie Shaq! And brand-birth cover of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I'm afraid I don't have that one queued up. Listeners, that voice you hear is our sound engineer in the booth here at CFCA,

Ollie Thumbs, whose business motto is, We'll catch that in editing. I wish we caught this a lot earlier than that. Easy there, Squire. You know you can be replaced. I can only hope. Go on, young Ted, as you were saying. I'm practically wearing out the vinyl, Mr. York.

I mean, I can't really tell which it is that I like better, your artful turn of phrase or the dulcet tones of your narration. Oh, you're laying it on a bit thick, kid. But why stop there? I mean, Mr. York, I looked up to my grandfather and all, but really he sort of warned me off at saying it's a mugs game. It was you who inspired me. Ah, shucks. I mean, I thought if he can do it, well... High praise indeed. Now on to the business at hand. Issue 1.

Preservation of the sacred grounds itself. The Citadel at Church and Carlton Maple Leaf Gardens. Ah, yes. The gardens. Where Pope John VI held a Christmas mass that was broadcast around the world by the Telstar satellite. The gardens, where Bob Hope entertained Canadian troops, wearied by their service, shoveling snow in Rosedale.

The gardens, where Johnny Lombardi hosts the Chin Picnic when it rains. Walk us through the basics, bud. Well, I'm sure most of our listeners are well aware of the nuts and bolts of the story. The matter which has been front page news for the Telegram all week, fodder for all the columnists in the Telegram's editorial section, why on the 10 o'clock news, I'm pretty sure Harvey Kirk's expression went even grimmer. Suffice it to say, the city fathers want to attach legacy protection to our beloved gardens.

Sessions in the city council have stretched deep into the night, including breakaway committees that are meeting in closed sessions into the dead of the night at the Orange Order of Toronto, and of course barbarians. I'm not really even sure of the significance of the city of Toronto's involvement.

I mean, they've already designated the gardens as a historical site, and on top of that, UNESCO made it a World Heritage Site. The UN General Assembly already meets there for special sessions. It's not like it's under any threat of being torn down for a commercial property or anything. Legacy protection. It just sort of sounds redundant. Redundancy is truly the foundation of this city's greatness. This city's greatness is built on the idea that a good thing should be done at least twice. It bears repeating.

I still don't get it. Ah, to be young and callow again. Bud, favor the lad with the full tutorial. I don't know if I have the strength and resolve. I'm sure you don't. Young Theodore, let's boil it right down. There are protected heritage sites, and then there are protected heritage sites.

The latter is a category that goes beyond and above. The Gardens isn't some shabby former rooming house in Cabotstown that's been restored to its former glories by well-meaning white painters. No, the Gardens should enjoy a status somewhat higher than Casa Loma and at least equal to Fort York. In every way, it should be separate from the usual residential and commercial real estate in Toronto.

You mean it isn't already? Not in a way that matters. You mean... Yes. I think you're seeing it clearly. As hard it is to believe believe the Ballard family estate, the very keepers of this sacred trust and treasure of the city, cherish philanthropists on par with such names as Garth Drabinsky and Conrad Black. The Garth actually has to pay property taxes on the hallowed building.

It just doesn't seem right. I think any right-minded Torantonian would agree with you on that. That is what legacy protection would address. The idea of taxation on the property is appalling. The legacy protection would dispense with all property taxes and charges for city-administered utilities. I mean, the idea that the Ballard family estate has had to pay a hefty sum on its water bill for the sheet where the leafs skate? God zooks! God zooks indeed.

The city fathers are keenly aware of that, and really that's the point of contention in their discussions with the committee. Property taxes and city utilities should not simply be ceased going forward, but past amounts should be refunded. The only question is what date, precisely, would it go back to retroactively? I have a suggestion for the city fathers' grandfathering. A wholly appropriate one. I'm sure you know what it is.

Indeed I do. And as we speak, council is in session to take a vote to approve a retroactive refund going back to May the 2nd, 1967. Ah, the day of the blue and white rapture. Only seems fair. The sales tax from Jersey sales alone since then have paid for the Fred Boehm Struck Expressway. Nine minutes from the 427 to the DVP? This rebate alone is a small price to pay for that.

Some bones of contention, the calculations of interest on the sums to be refunded to the Ballard family estate, the heirs have kindly loaned out their team of accountants to spare the Toronto taxpayers the cost of bean counters. Remarkable. Rather than feeling hard done by, the Ballard family estate does the charitable thing.

As public-spirited as ever. Further, a legacy designation also affords the property holder a nominal sum for the maintenance of the property, not to exceed $100 per square foot. Surely the Leafs are more than worthy of the ceiling on that amount. Say what you will about the Leafs. Many have. Some of it less suitable for broadcast than the director's cut of an episode of 20-Minute Workout.

I love me some Bess Mata. Gentlemen, enough of these untoward reveries. No matter what the sum that comes out of this tax adjustment, it would be a bargain considering all the entertainment that the team has provided us. All that reflected glory. I feel like every time I board the Carlton Street streetcar, I should put on SPF 75 sunscreen. But, but, I have one lingering question.

Didn't you yourself gain legacy protection for your home on Glen Manor that you bought from a grandpa? You know, the distress sale just prior to his bankruptcy filing? Well, I think it's about time we should take a commercial break. Well, past that. Now a word from our sponsors. Friends, it's hard to believe that anything can provide that high drama and artistry of a Leafs game. But the nearest thing is to be found on Celluloid.

Now, face off. A touching story of love. With softness, beauty, passion, and one barrier. We'll be free. Oh, I know we'll be free. You know something, Billy? You never needed anybody in your life.

Look at me. Cut it out, please. Don't mind me, Billy. I'm talking about the latest installment of the Blockbuster Smash series. Yes, beginning its run at the magnificent widescreen on the Odeon Carlton, Face Off 6. Yes, Jim McKinney is back as hockey star Billy Duke, and this time with a vengeance. Film just stores down from the Odeon at the hallowed Sacred Arena itself, Face Off 6 follows Billy off the ice, where Bill rescues his beloved Sherry Lee,

who has fallen in with hippies on a free love commune in Caledar. Go ahead, Billy, have another drink to the establishment. To the system, you know? You're out of your skull. Yeah, maybe, but it's my skull, okay? Alright, Billy. Let's get something started. Face off. Hippies. Face-off. Hippies. Meanwhile, on the ice, as he bucks tyrannical coach Fred Wears,

played with his signature menace by John Vernon. You know something, Billy? You never needed anybody in your life. Hollywood's biggest names round out the cast. Robert Mitchum. Greatest hockey player in the world. Biggest among them, Austin Willis. Fresh off his Oscar-winning best supporting performance in the FASO's fifth installment, is back once more as the team owner Graydon Hunter,

who cynically tries to sell Billy Duke to Chicago for a million dollars. FASO 6, now playing at the Odeon 20 Carlton Street. We're back and we're now in the segment where I go around the league to find out what hockey folks in other cities are saying about the Leafs. I have on the line my friend down the Queen Elizabeth Way and across the Peace Bridge, Jim Kelly of the Buffalo News. How are things in the southern shadow of the great city of Toronto? Let me put it this way.

I just spent 45 minutes in my driveway trying to dig out my shovel. Ah, lake effect snow. We don't call it lake effect snow here. We have a word for it. And what would that be? Snow. We call it snow.

Calling it lake effect? Meteorologists have hired a branding outfit to come up with that. Well, thanks for coming on. We love when we get to talk to small market correspondents with a fair bit of experience. I'd say the honor is mine, but I pride myself on my honesty. We hear that a lot. Folks who treasure their time on the show with our reputation and prestige. Yeah, I've got nothing. And so it seems to the Sabres, who are at this point still trying to establish themselves as something more than an expansion team. Red, the Sabres have been in the league since 1970. A grievous mistake that has been allowed to let stand for five decades. Like some of the hirings at the Toronto Telegram, I guess.

The cream always rises through the chaff, says I. Jim, through your time covering the game in your once great town, I'm just wondering what it would mean to you if the Sabres were to make the playoffs and somehow draw a matchup with the Leafs. For many players, the honor of playing against our champions is the highlight of their career. But I have to presume that it would be the same for a reporter at the Daily Fish Wrap like you. Red, I've been at this game for a long time. The Sabres play the Leafs. I remember them beating the Leafs. What? Oh, I see.

You're talking about the Leafs' wives taking on the Sabres in the charity bowl-a-thon on strikes, spares, and misses. I'm sure that's arguably the high point in Buffalo's athletic history. Red, I'm talking about on the ice. 1999, the conference final. I remember it well. The Leafs were able to chase Dominic Haschuk in each of their four wins in the series.

Haschuk, a fair goaltender. There were probably a couple of Toronto teams over the years that he could have played on. Would have been a decent backup, or maybe the emergency call-up from the Rochester Canadiens. I'm not quite sure if I'm doing sports talk radio or parachuting into your fever dream. Mr. Kelly, on this show we try to maintain not just accuracy but decorum. If decorum means that much to you, I saw none of it in your hijacking the Professional Hockey Writers

Association, the organization that I presided over proudly until your butch with your brainwashed henchman in Toronto doing your bidding. Ollie Thumbs, the seven second delay, please.

Ollie! Ollie! Red, I'm afraid that Ollie is taking a bathroom break. Settleson has a deal with the studio guild struck with CKRA. I thought he was overhydrating. Actually, I don't think he was that. He was retching and heaving. Well, Red, I guess that means you listen. The diluted dozens in your cult will finally get the real story of how you took over the Hockey Writers Association.

Young Ted, can you call down to the switchboard and see if the janitor can cut off the building's power at the source? On it, Mr. York. Like your life depends on it. The fact is, York, you, with the aid of the Ballard Estate's operative wage pressure campaign against members of the Hockey Writers Board, physical intimidation was part of it, but so too was blackmail and innuendo. All of a sudden, the entire board under audit from the feds both sides of the border their phone calls to home

phones from untraceable numbers with heavy breathing there is this campaign of terror and just two words that are ominously repeated step down that could mean anything it could be descending from the carlton street streetcar I think it was pretty clear what the intent was. The tip-off was the background sounds. For some of the calls, it was a teletype machine. The only one I know still is operational in the Maple Leafs Gardens press room. Others, you could hear the furious clacking of manual typewriters. The telegram is the last newsroom in creation

still using these antiques. The Underwood No. 4 has never been matched for reliability. We on the board did our best to hold up under the pressure, but it was clearly taking a toll. I do remember Ken McKenzie breaking out in anxiety hives, but I believe that was prompted by the loss of his parking spot. Of course, there was the last straw. I'll remind you that the Writers Association's constitution does spell out what would be grounds for impeachment. To have been so honored by my peers across the league and to have it all stripped away by you and your cabal of ass kissers. and to have it all stripped away by you and your cabal of ass kissers. Have you no sense of decency, sir?

Have you no sense of decency? I have a sense of decency, and I also have a sense that we're running short of time. Thanks for joining us, Jim. Ollie Thumbs, take us to a commercial. Gee, we ought to do something, Fred. Okay. How's about taking a nap? I got a better idea.

Let's take a Winston break. That's it. Winston is the one filter cigarette that delivers flavor 20 times a pack. Winston's got that filter blend. Yeah, Fred. Filter blend makes the big taste difference, and only Winston has it up front where it counts. Here, ahead of the pure white filter, Winston packs rich tobacco specially selected and specially processed for good flavor in filter smoking.

Yeah, Barney, Winston tastes good like a cigarette, John. And we're back. Gents, we'd be remiss if we didn't talk about Mitch Miner's point streak, which as of our recording, this has reached its 43rd game. I would think at this point he's wrapped up first all-star team credentials just on empty net goals. Some of them have been spectacular. Yes.

The one where he flipped the puck in the air and batted it 200 feet down the ice, a la Gretzky's commercial from that 77-up commercial, I give that a chef's kiss. Opposing teams are finding Mitch almost impossible to defend against in the last minute of games. Saves us best for last. It's why they play the final countdown by Asia during the final 60 seconds of every game now.

I didn't recognize you on Oregon. Gentlemen, let's leave the music criticism to the Telegram's lead art reviewer, Clyde Gilmore. Let's stay on topic. Oh, yes. Well, Mitch, what can you say is that he makes a great last impression. The most dangerous player in hockey with the opposing goaltender watching in vain. I know when talking to Mitch, he says he learned everything he knows about empty net situations from repeated viewings of George Armstrong's cup clincher in Game 6 back in 1967.

Evidently, he wore out the 8mm highlight film that was handed down in the family from Mitch's great-grandfather. The ancient Marner, as it were. Wake up, Ollie Thumbs. What? I was having a nightmare. Wake up, Ollie Thumbs. What? I was having a nightmare. I was chasing you for payment. Let it roll. The puck is dropped.

Kelly at the poofy. Poofing is with Armstrong. Armstrong weak. Keeps it. There's no! A wild finish. The players jump on the ice. Here it is on the waypoint.

Police get the face off. Over to Armstrong from Poulter. He takes aim. One man back. It's in there. Look at this action on the ice. It still warms my heart to hear my grandfather Foster making that unforgettable call. Likewise, it makes my pulse race.

I suppose it would. You secured the audio and film rights to that unforgettable call. Likewise, it makes my pulse race. I suppose it would. You secured the audio and film rights to that 67 series. They were utterly worthless at that point in the early 70s. In fact, it cost me a significant sum to put the canisters in cold storage. Profit motive never entered into my considerations. CBC was ready to tape over them. I believe it was for the production of a razzle-dazzle reunion. The very thought of it. Instead of the chief clinching the championship, we'd have been left with Howard the Turtle drooling on Alan Hamill. No, I'm an archivist

at heart, and my desire was only the preservation of a historical treasure, this bolt of the national fabric. And the proceeds from the copyrights? Entirely directed to worthy charities. All of them charities that you founded. Well, too many of the famous charities are overseen by charlatans. Who knows where the donations go? I suppose the funds you raise for your fund save the children of Balmy Beach. Entirely directed to Malvern Collegiate, I suppose the funds you raise for your fund save the children of Balmy Beach.

Entirely directed to Malvern Collegiate, Neal McNeil, and St. Joe's and all grade schools south of Kingston Road to ensure the next generation is well nourished. It's not a school lunch program, though. The monies go to the school libraries, which buy a copy of the telegram. The beacon of the fourth estate in this town. A copy of the telegram daily The beacon of the fourth estate in this town. A copy of the telegram daily for every student enrolled. A well-informed child will be our best hope for tomorrow. And on top of that, for every child enrolled, the school libraries order at a minimum two copies of every Springer

Parade down Bay Street. Mine eyes have seen the glory. Yes, in their public spiritedness, my publisher's Vainglorious Remainders Limited offers the schools a generous three percent discount on bulk sales. How can they possibly justify that? Well, every spring a parade down Bay Street is part of the core curriculum in both history and English courses in all grades, both in elementary and high school. English courses in all grades, both in elementary and high school. And really, they suffer an unimaginable amount of wear. Imagine the poor kids reading it. That books suffer an unimaginable amount of wear, so they must be replaced on an annual basis.

Red, you can see how all this could be construed as an excruciating case of self-dealing? Only by professional troublemakers, socialists, and envious rival sports scribes, which thankfully there are now precious few since the demise of the Globe and Mail and the Star many years ago. I can assure all that my charitable initiatives have been fully approved, and where necessary, all initiatives have been fully approved and where necessary all exceptions have been granted you can ask any judge at the orange order of toronto gentlemen we have drifted a very long way from our topic of conversation that being the point streak of one mitchell marner my understanding is that you've already locked up the rights to games 58 and 59 of the league season in Buffalo against the Sabres and at home with Minnesota

with the prospect that Mitchell will break Wayne Gretzky's record point scoring streak of 51 consecutive games. One of those rare NHL records that have yet to be broken by a member of the blue and white. Just as you locked up executive broadcast rights to games 36, 37, and 38 each season in the event. The inevitable event. The inevitable event that Austin Matthews will break Gretzky's record of 50 goals in 39 games. Some people buy Wintario tickets. I like to play my numbers. Just a matter of time before they pay off.

Who am I to question this? Your prescience and delusions seem to have paid off so far. And in doing all of this, I've managed to maintain my professional objectivity. I guess you can't be accused of taking any sides if you have your hands in everyone's pocket. I pride myself on such fairness. Well, gents, I fear that we have to take a commercial break. Your fear is everyone else's relief. Our Toronto waterfront and distillery districts are the beating heart of the Toronto blue-collar economy, and not coincidentally where you meet a lot of the Toronto blue-collar economy,

and not coincidentally where you meet a lot of the purest spirits in this great city's midst. That's why I make the Canary Restaurant at Cherry Below Front a stop on my way into the office every morning. No finer diner. The Canary isn't one of your fancy French places or anything like that. Not like Fenton's or Winston's or any place where you'd take the ball and chain on the event of your diamond anniversary. No, even before the crack of dawn, the lights on at the great yellow bird flash on and the canary opens for business. You want bacon? Friend, I'll tell you it's fresh. The pork factory is right next door. Your rashers were heaving their last breath when your order is passed along to Gus in the kitchen. The Canary, 425 Cherry Street. Tell them the old redhead sent you. I heartily recommend this week's special, liver and onions.

And here's a friend of the show, Doug Gilmore, with a little tip on how to look your best. Out on the ice, I don't score points for how my hair looks. But after the game, in front of the press, and the cameras are just inches away, and millions of fans are watching, my hair has to look great. And great hair can't have

flakes. No way. So I get rid of them with head and shoulders. It keeps my dandruff in check. and my hair looking great. Hey, you can't hide under a helmet all the time. Head & Shoulders, every day. Correct me if I'm wrong, Red, but Dougie's letting it get a little shaggy. Might be overdue for a trip to the House of Lords, Isabella and Yonge Street. Might suit you young folk, I guess.

I get mine cut by Bruno down at Union Station. a trip to the House of Lords, Isabella and Youngstreet. Might suit you young folk, I guess. I get mine cut by Bruno down at Union Station. He's been cutting my hair and the leafs going back to 67. Dougie would make a trip down there whenever we went more than two games without a goal. Here's a Jeff Marecki in fact. Bruno gave Matt a 25% discount on only having to cut three sides of his hair, so to speak. Well, enough of the good grooming, Laura. I think we can take some calls. Ollie, who do we have?

We have Vito and Woodbridge. Hi, Red. Long, long, long time listener and first time caller, eh? Thanks, Vito. And thank you for calling long distance. It's a relief when I don't have to tell a caller to turn down his radio. Yeah, Red, I can only get CFCA on my car radio, so I usually listen in my parents' garage. Thank you for that, Vito. And of course you know that we cannot accept the long distance charges. Oh, that's fine. I've got a roll of quarters and I'm calling from a payphone in the parking lot at Frank Veteer's. Red, I'm interested to find out how the Leafs were able to bring back Mark Giordano this season, eh? He's 39. Just entering his prime. 39 and 40 being the target ages for Leafs going back to Stanley, Pronovost, and Hillman in the days of yore. Oh, that's

obvious. Yeah, I get that, eh? But while I know he was a holdout, I was really afraid that the Leafs weren't going to be able to get a deal done. Do you want to take this one, young Ted? Vito, you're quite correct that it is a very contentious negotiation, perhaps the most difficult for management. Giordano was dug in. He wasn't going to sign unless he was allowed to pay

in full for his own sticks and equipment and skate sharpening at doug lorries the players have an employee discount at the legendary sporting goods outfit with the garden storefront but geo wanted to pay the full freight and geo is ever the team guy and wanted to ease the duress of the ballard family's estates operation of the team. Yeah, that's completely understandable. It could have been settled agreeably if the NHLPA hadn't stuck their pointy noses in. Yes, Vito, as it turned out that the Players Association... Stress on the first syllable of that word. Easy on the language, young Ted. We run a family show here.

Seems it came as news to the Players Association that the talents of the Leafs roster weren't having their equipment and sweaters simply given to them. This seems to be the case with many teams around the league. It came to light that only the Leafs and the Coyotes were exceptions here. And for the Coyotes, it was a matter of working around a bankruptcy proceeding and creditors giving chase. Yeah, I can feel their pain. As I was saying, the NHLPA seems to be fully dedicated to eliminate any and all means of motivating players. Oh gosh, eh? The whole idea is that by having the players buy their equipment, they're investing in the team's performance. I mean, if a surgeon has

to pay for his scalpels, he's much less likely to leave one inside you, right? Yes's performance. I mean, if a surgeon has to pay for his scalpels, he's much less likely to leave one inside you, right? Yes, yes. Young Ted, if you're going to borrow your best lines from Telegram editorials, you better attribute them. That scalpels line first surfaced in an op-ed by Lubor Zink. Where he picked it up, I don't know. But really, the whole point about the purchasing of equipment is motivation.

What's a greater motivator? Wanting to get the most out of your dollar or accepting a cushy free ride? Let me get back to you on that one. You're a man after my own heart, Vito. It would explain a lot of the rot in the telegram sports section. Eventually, the Leafs had to cave in and Giordano was signed to the Leafs' standard two-way contract. The Players Association had to back down when it tried

to make sticky about the team's practice of our heroes purchasing their equipment from the team. Meanwhile, management invoked its exception to the conditions of the NHL's collective agreement under the city's right-to-work legislation. Yeah, the bosses at the NHLPA, Satan's henchmen all,

hold the players from other teams around in their unthinking thrall, but the Leafs players are all independent, free thinkers. Those unionists with the other teams are sheep, and our hometown heroes are the wolves. I'll cut you off with the metaphor, Ted. Ollie, who's our next caller? We've got Brian in Aurora. Brian, good to hear from you.

I didn't realize that you're able to get CFC-8 all the way up there in the wilds of Aurora. Well, Red, true enough. The territory here, in the pristine greenbelt, is pretty rugged and vast tracts are undeveloped. Here in the cabin, I have my own small generator The pristine greenbelt is pretty rugged and vast tracks are undeveloped.

Here in the cabin, I have my own small generator and I can pick up CSCA on the short wave set. Well, go ahead, Brian. I'll try to keep it short because I don't want to tie up the party line and I'm on call for the volunteer fire department. Noble service, no doubt. I had my own experience as a volunteer fireman when I was a cub reporter at the Manitoulin Expositor. Red, Bud, Ted, I've been keeping track of your 100 Greatest Leaves series, and I was wondering about number 17. Hey, hold on, Brian.

I have our list committed to memory. You're speaking of Jonas Hoagland. Indeed I am. A bit of a divisive figure, I will admit. I mean, he does have Hall of Fame credentials, as does every Leaf in our Top 100 list. A plaque in the Leafs' dominated hall is a simple requisite for consideration for the franchise's Top 100. 100. I'm afraid in years not that far off that the Leafs wing of the hall will be overbooked and Toronto stars will have to join the

population of greats in other sectors of the shrine, mixed with the common folk as it were. The ultimate service for the Leafs greats, to elevate other soldiers from the lesser ranks simply by the benefit of association. Sort of like the Leafs gentrifying the neighborhood.

But if it's a big issue, why not just build another floor to house the new Leafs inductees? Well, young Ted, that crack about gentrification is on point. However, such an addition to the Hall of Fame would run afoul of the very same heritage designations we were discussing earlier. I just thought that maybe the Hall of Fame C&E location, it being modernist, might not be protected. Next thing you know, you're going to want to tear down the grandstand. Enough of such fanciful thinking.

Back to our caller phoning in from the tundra north of Steeles. As far as Master Hoagland goes, well, if Matt Sundin... Number five on my list, behind only Keon, Daryl, Boria and Dougie. I flop Dougie and Matt's just for career service. Gentlemen, let's not get bogged down. I had Jonas at 13 at my list, and quite frankly, after

eight consecutive first all-star berths and two rocket Richard's, I might not have had him high enough. Really, I flipped the coin when it came down to a choice between him and Larry Murphy. Jonas won. Did Matz carry Jonas? Did Jonas carry Matz? Topic of many discussions in the men's intersection of taverns right up until last call at 11 p.m. Even in dry precincts in the fair city, there's going to be debate about the matter.

I once stood by at Donland's Dairy as two milkmen almost came to blows in their dispute when I dropped in to pick up a quart of buttermilk. Jonas did bring a gift for clutch scoring. A perfect fit along the long-time captain, a countryman. They're all countrymen in time once they take out Canadian citizenship, which is the custom for all in the Leafs' fold. It's the franchise's spirited initiative with regard to diversity, making Canadians of players from hither and yon.

Making Torontonians of them. Well, that scarcely needs repeating. Not just Canadians, but Torontonians. I can scarcely recall a scoring chance that wasn't neatly and surely and sublimely finished. You can have a franchise player like the Leafs had in Mets, but without the compliment... Who would be the lead man on lesser teams? Without that necessary compliment, where would you be? Someplace other than Toronto, you have to suppose.

I have to believe that once you get past the elites of the elites, the Keon, Sittler, Borea, Dougie, Mets, Austin, Mitch range, I have to believe that once you get past the elites of the elites, the Keon, Sittler, Borea, Dougie, Matts, Austin, Mitch range, it really comes down to personal preference in a lot of ways. But what was decisive for you with regard to Jonas being ahead of, say, Greg Turian or Dan Dau or Tiger, or for that matter, more recent entries in this glorious derby. I believe, and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here.

I do think Brian was directing his question to me. Yes, that the question that Brian implies here is one of generations. How do you compare and contrast players from different eras? The game of hockey, the look and the approach of the game was very different in the 1970s than it was some 30 years later when Jonas was earning first all-star honors. What I would say, as it bears repeating, is that the game is very different in the 1970s than it was in the new millennium. The common thread running through this is the fact that no matter what style of hockey was at any given time, what the trends were, the Leafs were either dominant or utterly dominant.

Inevitably, it was the Leafs who moved first in one direction or the other, and the rest of the league struggled and in the end failed to keep up. Hoagland was a signature player of his time. I remember like it was yesterday that Ken Holland told me clear as a bell that what Detroit needed to be a contender was Jonas Hoagland or a player just like him. Or was it Scotty Bowman who said that? I guess I could look it up, but it would require a trip to the city of Toronto archives, to which I generously donated my collected notebooks. You did, and also received a charitable tax credit for your donation. A mere fraction of its value, quite frankly. Again, my main concern was the

preservation of history. But back to Hoagland. Fact is that it would have could have been both Holland and Bowman in chorus, because Jonas had admirers around the league. Had Jonas hung around a bit longer, I really believe he might have been able to squeeze into the top ten Leafs of all time. Like all foreign-born Maple Leafs, Hoagland took out Canadian citizenship. But in one of those weird twists of irony, wound up going back to Sweden. My understanding is that he works for the Canadian Maple Syrup Board and is trying to promote the National breakfast sweetener in Scandinavia.

Not without controversy. Mind you, evidently, the rise in sales of maple syrup has cut deeply into the market value of another Swedish breakfast staple, smorgas caviar. That's cracker paste made with cod and salmon roe. Fishermen in certain regions have taken to wearing Canadian sweaters. Well, if maple syrup were to have a face, I suppose Jonas Hoagland's is as good as any. And since we're deep in discussion about fine dining, let's break for this commercial word from two Leafs legends, Lanny McDonald and Brian Glennie. Then dig into a Hungry Man entree. Just meat and potatoes, but big on the meat. Swanson Hungry Man dinners and entrees are enough to turn a wild man...

Into a pussycat! Meow! And here, with a special throwback promotion, it's 1967, as ever, all over again. It's the other Gordy, the rowdy man himself, Gordy Pinson, going down the road for Esso. They're packed for Continental Canada and a year for Centennial Treks. It's the year to drive to feel alive in the Esso Roadshow 67X.

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It's for lucky folks like you and me. like you and me. Well, gents, in our final block, let's cast our eyes forward to that fixture in the Leafs' schedule, the hosting of the NHL All-Star Game, where the defending Stanley Cup champions take on the best of the rest of the league. Does anyone here see this as a close game? Show of hands.

I didn't think so. Red, you know this is radio, right? I admire the young McDavid boy, but let's face it. He might be able to get by other defensemen around the league, but he's got no hope when it comes down the ice and he's facing Morgan Riley or Justin Hall. It's basically road closed at that point. I might be a voice

in the wilderness. Why? Are you phoning in from the borough of Scarborough? But I think it might be a closer game than anticipated. Be glad, young Ted. What on earth possesses you? Well, Coach Keefe has said that he plans to spread the minutes around more than usual.

In an exhibition the likes of this entirely fair play in my mind. A real chance for the likes of Engvall and Kerfoot to get the time in the spotlight. And I suspect that the coach will, as he has in years past, give his top two netminders brief turns at the start of the game.

Just to receive their deserved ovations. Of course. Before bringing in the backup from the Marlies in an effort. Vain though it might be to give the challengers a faint hope of hanging in there with the champs for 60 minutes anyway. Frankly, I wish the Leafs were a little more deeply committed to this game, putting on a real show for the fans, all those season ticket holders who have been bequeathed their precious reserve seats

by their grandparents or even their great-grandparents. Talk about your generational wealth. Young Ted, I think, doth protest a little overboard. Yes. I mean, the Leafs last lost an All-Star game in 1988. The year of the great Flewbug.

Sweeping through the lineup, forcing the recall of almost the entire Rochester Canadiens roster. Not to mention when the injury suffered mid-game by the Leafs emergency backup goalie, Bill Houston, a long-time unemployed sports scribe. A beneficiary of the Leafs career retraining program

for indigent media folks. Who had almost feared his probation period driving the Garden Zamboni. I remember it all too well. When he went down into the splits to stop a Mike Medano rebound and had to be stretchered off the ice. An awful injury.

Forgetting to remove his pen, which he had tucked in an unfortunate angle in his back pocket. Falling on his sword, as it were, requiring a delicate bit of surgery and necessitating the attachment of a colostomy bag. A generous 60%, which was covered by the Leafs Arena Employees Health Plan. For an aspiring Zamboni driver, it was a career-ending injury. A hush fell over the gardens. When you've seemingly exhausted the depth chart, to whom do you turn? And then came the old Lester Patrick moment

when the GM himself, Bob Stel stellick had to enter in the emergency backup stead really young ted i'm not sure how you can register dissatisfaction with the least performance in the all-star game when their winning streak is now in its fourth decade eclipsed in all sports only by the team's own stanley cup run Red, I think that the Leafs risk becoming too comfortable. Too comfortable? Well, remember last year when Coach Keefe let the Leafs' dads play the second period and then the Leafs' moms for the third period? They barely escaped with a 4-2 victory.

Bonnie Marner with the empty netter. The point is, if the Leafs take their skates off the pedal for even one minute... A skate on a pedal is awkward enough. Actually, how the Tamboni driver job opened up for Bill Houston in the first place? I apologize for the old-time metaphor. Red, you haven't booked enough studio time if you're going to start a round of apologies. I get time and a half starting... I believe that's all we have time for.

Au revoir! Adios. Sayonara, Toronto. Cue the anthem, Ollie. Red York was performed, as ever, by David Schultz. The hockey writer and reluctant baseball writer retired from the Globe and Mail, though his stories these days occasionally pop up in the New York Times. Dave's reading of the Red York Memoir, Every Spring a Parade Down Bay Street, is available on Audible. Ted Reeve III was performed by Jerry Hall, a Hamilton-based stand-up comic, writer, and actor, as well as a roast battle legend. Bud Hewitt was performed by

Liam Kelly, a longtime Toronto stand-up comic. He's played everywhere you can imagine. Just don't ask him about Sudbury. Vito in Woodbridge was performed by Jeff Samet, host of Canada Now with Jeff Samet, Monday through Friday, 1pm to 3pm Eastern, on Sirius XM Canada Talks, channel 167. And Jim Kelly and Brian McFarlane were performed and unfortunately desecrated by Gare Joyce,

who also wrote this mishmash. A writer at the Globe and Mail, ESPN, and Sportsnet in years past, and author of 10 non-fiction titles, Gare's real-life memoir-ish deal, How to Succeed in Sports Writing Without Really Trying, is available on Audible.

Private Eyes, the TV series starring Jason Priestley and inspired by Gare's mystery novel, The Code, can still be seen in reruns on Global. But Gare's earned his last dime from that show. © BF-WATCH TV 2021