Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Lahna Turner: Toronto Mike'd Podcast Episode 1957

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

In this 1957th episode of Toronto Mike'd, Mike chats with stand-up comedian Lahna Turner about her late husband Ralphie May.A version of this podcast without programmatic ads is available to all Toronto Mike'd Patrons at patreon.com/torontomike.Toronto Mike'd, an award-winning podcast, is proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, Palma Pasta, Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball, Ridley Funeral Home, Nick Ainis, and RecycleMyElectronics.ca.If you would like to support the show, we do have partner opportunities available. Please email Toronto Mike at [e-mail]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, it's future Mike here. Haven't talked to you in a while. During this 55-minute chat with stand-up comic Lana Turner about her and her late husband, Ralphie Mae, she failed to tell us that tomorrow, Saturday, August 22nd, 2026 at 5.45 p.m. At the Review Cinema on Roncys, there is a viewing of her new document. about Ralphie May entitled Come What May, not just a viewing, but a Q&A with Lana herself. And if you'd like free tickets to this event, an exclusive for Toronto Mike listeners only, write me now at Mike at Toronto Mike.com and put Come What May in the subject line and let me know

who wants to attend, but act fast. We're mere hours away from August, 22nd as I speak. Now on to episode 1957. Hello, my name is Lana Turner and I am from Canada. I was born in Canada, but raised in Texas.

So howdy A? And I'm very lucky to be back here. I'm a comedian and married, it was married to comedian Ralphie Mae. And I produced a documentary about him and directed, co-directed, and I'm here in Toronto so we can screen it here in town. And it's such an honor to be back. And I'm so honored to be sitting across from Toronto, Mike. It's great to be here.

It's worth the wait for Lana Turner. Sorry, I messed up. Oh, we'll discuss it off the top because I'm a small, small man. Welcome to episode one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six of Toronto Mikeed, proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery. Order online at Great LakesBeer.com for free local home delivery in the GTA. Palma Pasta! Enjoy the taste of fresh homemade Italian pasta entres from Palma Pasta in Mississa

Saga and Oakville. Visit palmapasta.com for more. Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball. Catch a game at Christy Pits this summer. No ticket required. Fusion Corpso Nick Aini's. He's the host of Building Toronto Skyline, and Mike and Nick,

we just recorded this morning with Karen Stints. She's on Building Toronto Skyline. Recyclemyelectronics.c.c.midectrotech.a. Committing to our planet's future means properly recycling our electronics of the past. and Redley Funeral Home, pillars of the community since 1921. Today, making her Toronto mic debut, it is indeed Lana Turner. What a pleasure it is to meet you.

It's a pleasure to meet you. You know, there was already a Lana Turner. You know, I've heard that before. But you've got an H in there, so you were, is this your birth name? Well, the H is important. Otherwise, my name backwards spells anal. Oh, my goodness. Right.

I'll never think of Lana Turner the same way again. No, you can't. Hey. It was my birth given name. My parents liked the name Lana and weren't worried. I mean, a lot of people don't really remember her. Well, I'm old enough to remember the legend that was Lana Turner. You're right, though.

I bet you like a millennial or a Gen Z. They're like, who are we talking about? Yeah, or the hooker cut to look like Lana Turner. But yeah, they don't know. You know, and so. But I bet you that's an opening line. Like, I feel like I just delivered the line that everyone who meets you delivers. I should have been original.

No, surprisingly not, actually. Because you don't talk to old people like me. Oh, yeah. No. People just don't remember. Like, it just, it doesn't come up that much. But when it does, I love it. It's great.

Okay. Well, you're Lana Turner. You're now the year. You're still here. Shout out to Ridley Funeral Home. So you are the definitive Lana Turner. L-A-H-N-A. Right.

So let's just address this controversy off the top because, and I'll set the table here to say, today's calendar looked like this. Okay. bike the kids to camp. Got to be there at 9.30. Then get back here at 930 to record Building Toronto Skyline with Nick Aeini's with the special guest, Karen Stints.

Then I knew at 11 o'clock, put a pin on this, but at 11 o'clock, I said, oh, Lana Turner is going to drop by. And at 1245, so I was going to do like 90 minutes with you. And at 1245, Bob Willett and Rob Proust were going to drop by. We were going to record like a two-hour toast so I would be able to bike and get these kids back.

I'm literally sweaty. I did change my shirt. shirt for you. That's how much I respect you. I'm sorry. Okay, no, you're going to grovel in a moment here. But then I saw you were waiting by the TMDS studio door and we're into it now and I'm telling you now. So it's 4.16 p.m. I have to bike my thirdborn to soccer at no later than 515.

So doing some math in my head here. I'm just letting you know this might be like a 45 minutes special but we're going to make it all killer no filler. What happened to our 11 o'clock, Lana Turner? I just messed up. I put it in my calendar when we booked it at the wrong time. And it was just in my calendar the wrong time. You so...

It wasn't even... It didn't even make sense with the time change. That's what's so dumb. Like, I just did the dumb thing. You just put in the wrong number. Like, you just... It's an inputting error by you. Human error.

I need AI to replace my brain because I can't... I can't... I make a lot of dumb mistakes in my life all the time, constantly, consistently, and this was one of them. And so we'll do a... this quickly. Well, I'm glad you're here. Like, you had to also, because I took your, I knew you were going to jump in an Uber and I

couldn't record of you because I had a few. At the time, I had three people here. There was a tie the Christmas guy was here. I know you're like, who are these characters, the whack packers or something? But I actually phoned you during the recording of toast just to make sure you're not on your way. But then I realized in the calendar that there was this 45 minutes sitting here before the soccer. And I'm like, I really want to talk to you.

Oh, thank you. I'm so, so sorry. I actually am a punctual person. I wake up early. I get to places. I just, I put the wrong number in your calendar. Human error. And I flew here yesterday and I was really excited to come here.

And so I'm sure you. I know, that's why I was so shocked. When I was texting you and phony you, I'm like, oh, she wrote me yesterday to say, see you tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. So I knew you weren't going to like bail for like, no, no. Reasons of that nature.

So I don't want to waste any more time except to say we got this in. It might be shorter than normal. That's why. And like I said, I'm really happy you're here. The new film is called Come What May. And I see the cleverness in that title. Your husband's name was Ralphie Mae. Yes.

I see the cleverness. But before we get into your late husband and the film, and we talk about all of this, I need to get to know you just a bit better. You keep alluding to, I got in yesterday. Where did you come in from? From Los Angeles. And by the way, I like that we can be quick because we can do this.

Like, I love Toronto. So, and this can be like another thing. We can have like a part too. Oh, we can do it like a Toronto-centric episode. I now live in Los Angeles and I've been there for a long time. I'm so like so, but I was. Okay, well, you said you were from here. So how old are you when you leave and why do you leave?

I was born in Canada. So I have dual citizenship. My parents are Americans. I was born in Sarnia. Do you know? Yeah, it's on Lake Huron. Yeah. I camp at the pinery, which is by grand.

bend, which is just sort of, if you keep following the coastline down, you're going to, yeah. When I describe Sarnia to people, I always say, it's not to be confused with Narnia, right? And that it's where Americans would come and drink and go to strip clubs when they were 19, right? Right. So, but I was very little there. And so I just remember, you know, like the lake and, you know, being little. That's a beautiful lake because from the Canadian side there, you can see the greatest sunsets in the province on Lake Huron. Yeah. I, I, every single summer, because I said we camp on Lake Huron, it's the sunsets, you can't find that sunset

anywhere else in this province, really. Oh, that's good to know. So how old are you when you leave, Narnia? Narnia. Second grade, I came to Toronto, went to Denlo Elementary. Okay. Where is that? It's in North York.

You know, see, North York, it's like a whole other city up there. So that's the land of Mel Lastman is where that is. I don't even know the reference. So, and then I'm about to hit puberty and we moved to Texas. I started middle school in Texas, and it was not, and it was such a culture shock from, you know, being a Canadian going to, like what is it?

They just say, how many guns do you want? Like, what is the culture shock then? I mean, the humidity alone. Yeah. I mean, you go from just the sort of innocent Canada to like this middle school where the kids were like doing drugs and grown, you know, sexually active. And I was like, I had hairy armpits and B.O. So I didn't know what I was doing.

But, you know. and spent the rest of my life in America. But I've been back. Well, you're back now. Yeah, and I've been back a couple times. I love it here. I would love to come more. Okay.

Do you own any guns? I do not. Maybe that's the Canadian influence. My Ralphie owned guns, too many guns. It scared me. I was not, I'm not a gun. I actually have enjoyed shooting them at targets. That's really fun.

But they scare me. Yeah. Never shot at a living thing. No. It's Pro Jam. Okay. That's a glorified version of a Pelagon. Glorify G.

I think that's so. Okay. So we have you born in Canada. By the way, Narnia, as I'm going to call it now, but Sarnia was home to Kim Mitchell. I know I'm dropping all these Canadian references, but you've been so Americanized from so many years. Kim Mitchell, Mel Lastman.

These are not names that will resonate with you now. I need to like get more. deep in my in my Canadianism. I feel more Canadian than Texan. I always do. Really? Yes. I feel yes.

Like I, I resonate. I'm friendlier than the average American, but I must come off as so unfriendly here because I've got. No, you're in Toronto, right? So,

sorry it might be different. But Toronto, not the friendliest place, because it's a big, big city, right? Like, this is a big city.

So I feel like the bigger the city, the less friendly it is. Like, people aren't going to make, you know, Hey, how are you today? If somebody, like, I'm out and about, somebody likes, hi, nice to see you. I think, oh, they're crazy.

Well, I mean, I went to Calgary to visit a school with my daughter. Went to Vancouver. And we ran into, like, just even the people who are in house on the street, like, they're, they're tweaking and so friendly. Like, I, like, the sweetest man asked us for a light. He's like, pardon me, friends. I was like, where are we? Why do you have a light?

No, okay. Thank you. Thank you for your troubles. You know, that city, Calgary, which is in the province of Alberta, they're going to have a little referendum thing to talk about leaving this country. Oh, I know. I saw that when I was there. What have you learned?

You're like my correspondent. It's because I've been there recently. Is Alberta leaving this fine nation? Should I be the one to explain? What are your thoughts? There's a person who has memories of Canada and you consider yourself more Canadian than Texan. When you hear, I don't know, you hear in the news rhetoric from the president down there that oh Canada should be the 51st state.

We're going to cripple them economically until they crawl back and beg to be the 51st state. What are your thoughts, Lana? You know, that doesn't reflect anyone else's thoughts in America, I don't think. I mean, I guess there is the minority. 35% of that country, I think, would agree with them. Most Americans are like, sure, absorb it.

Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't. Who side are you on if things get to the point of military activity? Who side are you on? I come from a long, lineage of runners and hiders. So, like, you know, I have a great uncle who cut off a finger to avoid the draft.

And, you know, they, like, I'm just, I, I'm looking for my out point at that, that moment. I have no, I, I'm, I'm, I sound so bad, right now. But yeah, I, no, I was going to say that cut it off the finger thing, like, whatever it takes, right? You know, if you're going to lose an appendage, just make sure it's like your pinky finger. You know, just like, well, is this, is this a fight I want to have, you know, like, If it gets to that point, where do we need to go? Well, let me, before we go any further, we're having a jokey time. You are obviously, you're a comic, you tell jokes for a living.

But my sincere condolences on the passing of Ralphie Mae back in, I know it's 2018, but he died very, very young. Would you mind maybe telling us how you met Ralphie May and then maybe we can talk a little bit more about him? Sure. He actually, yeah, he died in 2017. And it's been almost, yeah, it's been almost a decade. I met Ralphie when early on when I started comedy, he was already doing stand-up, not known at all. And we became fast friends. He was very obese.

Ralphie, when I met him, he was, people don't often, this is shocking, but it's not untrue. He was 800 pounds. How do you weigh an 800-pound man? I did not know he was 800 pounds. I mean, you can't weigh him on a normal scale. I found that out later. And when you're around somebody, at his size,

when he would walk in the room, he'd be like, wow, he's really big. And then the more time you spend with somebody, and the more time you spend with them very quickly, actually, that disappears and you just see the person. And Ralphie's personality was bigger and just so dynamic. Like, he was amazing.

So it would just, the size became unimportant because you're just how, happy to be in his presence. And we ended up dating. I never thought I would date him, but we got to know each other on the phone. He spent a lot of time. He was already living in L.A., going between L.A. and Houston. And so I just got to know him.

And like I say, he was a beautiful person. And then seven years after we first started seeing one another, he ended up getting on Last Comic Standing, and our lives changed. And then everyone else got to know this amazing person that had this big personality. and how did your lives change after you appeared on last comic standing we went from living off Crenshaw you hear about Crenshaw a lot in like like I was going to say ice tea yes so I was a big fan of early iced tea and he would draw references to Crenshaw all the time yeah so our the first night when we moved into this we thought we were moving up in the world because we went from living in a studio apartment in West Hollywood at the time which was like not great area to this two-bedroom apartment off Grunshaw. And the first night, I hear eight gunshots talk about gunfire. And I was like, oh, I need to move.

But that's where we were for that last year, right before our last comic. And we went from there to, you know, very shortly after buying our house in Laurel Canyon and, you know, everything changed. And he became famous, you know, and that was awesome to watch. why did Ralphie may struggle with his weight to that extreme? Like was this feeding his, like eating his feelings? You know, what is so insanely great about the documentary is Ralphie was never honest

about who he was in his life. He didn't talk about why he was so big or any of that. But he left behind an. honest story about who he really was, I would like to say even is, in that footage, which was really surprising that he could be so honest posthumously and like never share the story while he was alive. So I think with anybody, with any addiction, they find their substance to kind of like help placate it.

And he was obviously massively addicted to food and then other. things as time went on. So anybody dealing with addiction has those traumas that they're not dealing with, right? Sure. And it's one of those things where it's like, okay, now it's 200 pounds, it's 300 pounds, and then next thing you know it's 500 pounds and then 800 pounds. I mean, yeah, if somebody's really dedicated to it, right? I mean, he ate himself into a prison of sorts. I mean, and it's, yeah, it's a bummer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I love, you know, you fell in love with him via the phone. Like this is, this is like love is blind.

Textbook. Sort of, yeah. I mean, one of the things that you see in the movie is that I was adamant that he find his way to a healthy life. And he was working towards that. But never honestly. So he had gastric bypass.

He did, he had a stomach stapling. He tried to get a lap band. Like every, every gimmicky thing that you could do. I think now if he was alive, if he'd be doing a GLP1. I just,

I joke that he'd be sprinkling it on a cupcake. But, but I mean, even that's like a band-aid over the massive problem, right? Because the moment you stop taking those drugs, the weight comes back, because you haven't dealt with the underlying issue

of why you're eating in the first place. So, yeah, people are losing weight quickly, and they're suppressing their hunger, but what happens when you stop taking it? Maybe you have to take it the rest of your life? I don't know. No, it's a good point,

because if the source of the, the overeating, the overindulgement is, you know, childhood trauma or, you know, situation with, with his parents. I know at the end, that comment, I can't remember who it was who said that, you know, Ralphie May had become his father. Like, like, this is when, I guess, very close to the end when he had his heart attack at the age of 45, while in Vegas for a residency. Like, if you don't address with the therapy, et cetera, if you don't address the underlying

issues that are causing you to, you know, I said, you know, maybe inappropriately, but I said, feed your feelings, like eat your feelings, I suppose. But this is sort of a common, a common medication. This is a treatment. People subscribe themselves

when they don't deal with these underlying issues. Well, you know, food, you can look at charts of brain scans, and people who are addicted to food get the same stimulants in their brain that someone gets when they take Coke or crack. Like it hits the same, nerve centers?

Yeah. And so yeah, I mean, and food is, you can't avoid it. So if you have a problem with it, it's readily available. And actually, you know,

it's encouraged constantly, right? And so, and especially in the United States, I mean, everything's tested for the optimum amount of sugar, salt and fat to make it as addictive as possible. Like, we're animals.

I don't think we're much better. No, no. There's a Tim Hortons on every corner. You know, we're not, we're never going to be the 50s. first state, but I feel like when it comes to what you're describing there, I feel like we're right there. Watch out.

Watch out. But it's sugar. Like if you's sugar, which is we know from studies will cause heart disease. It will cause cancer. Like, of course, obesity, which comes up its own problems. But the, the addictive nature of sugar and how, you know, difficult it is to quit. Yeah. It is a lot like saying, okay, I'm going to stop taking, you know, crack cocaine now.

Yeah, and then imagine if you're addicted to crack cocaine, but it's like in everything. So, yeah, it's a really, you know, it's really, really hard. But like, again, if you understand that you have a problem and you're addicted to something, then same with alcohol or anything else. So Ralphie had a, and then addictions shift. So if you're already not dealing with the problem and you're addicted to one thing, maybe it'll move to spending or, you know, sex or whatever else it is that. Well, I'm actually reading a book about this right now, but this addiction to dopamine.

Like, like, what, these, this dopamine hits that you become addicted to and it comes in a variety of ways, but sex is one. And on that note, my brilliant segue, I just want people to hear a little Ralphie Mae. And I thought it would be kind of neat if we just listened to a little bit of Ralphie Mae with you. Okay. So I'm going to play a little song, but I don't know if, I don't think Toronto Mike needs a, like, but if your kids are in the car, maybe pause it. Oh, are you playing one of the songs? Is that okay?

Not from the film. Sure, I think I know which one. It's a duet. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a little risk. Racy. That's okay. I like the house to cold.

I like to keep it hot. I don't care much for cooking. I like to eat a lot. Scares me where she's driving. And that always causes a bite I like to fuck in the morning And I like to fuck at night Just a little more, because it gets even more risque

Sometimes it drives me crazy Oh, you're a dirty juice Sometimes you're not right In the morning Oh boy And I'm sick at night All right, well, you know, it's the song Here you go, kids

F in the morning we'll call it A little duet with you and your husband just so we can hear a little Ralphie May's voice. I'm a musical comedian, so I write songs, and I play them in my act. And I wrote that song after we had our daughter because we would work together, and I would go up and do the opening set, and then he would walk on stage and be holding her, and then we would do the duet, and then I would take her off stage. That was like the first year of her life.

It was the way we could travel. How many kids do you have Ralphie? We have two. Two kids, yeah. I remember at the end there when that guy was talking about. You know, two kids and Ralphie was fucking it up. Like, yeah. Yeah, it's really a tragic tale, 45 years old.

Like, I cleared that a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he made some choices. But he did a lot in his 45 years. And, I mean, and the story, it just keeps going, you know, like, I don't know. I, it's, he did a lot in that short period of time. Well, he jammed a lot into it. There's, you know, the documentary show you,

there's a lot of great material he left behind. But when I was watching Come What May, which in a moment, you're going to have to tell me exactly, like, how somebody listening to us now in the GTA can see this. I know you didn't just come to Toronto. Yeah.

To be late for your Toronto, Mike, take you. No. Really late, Lana. Holy smokes. I'm going to keep digging. I'm going to keep going. But I always want to show,

just because some of these names that pop up on the screen, talking about the genius of REL I was so thoroughly impressed. Like, so Tiffany Haddish, Jeff Ross, Kevin Smith, Russell Peters, who's a local guy. I know, Russell's awesome.

Some Can't Khan. Jay Moore. Jay Leno. There's a big name for you right there. Of course, you're in this documentary, but there's a name no longer with us as well, but a friend of my buddy Stu Stone, Bob Sagitt.

Yeah, we got one of, sadly, it was one of Bob's last interview. It was very, it was like maybe a couple weeks before he passed. Were you friends with Bob Sagitt? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not like best buds or anything, but I knew him for, you know, many years in passing.

And he was kind to come and do the interview. And who would have thought, though, right? So sad. Yeah. I don't know. Something about, maybe he hit his head or something. Yeah, I guess he hit his head and then fell asleep. So tragic.

Yeah. But it's interesting because, you know, we talk, Ralph, I've watched a lot. of Ralphie Mae's sets and it's he works blue let's put it that way okay so it's because it's sometimes it's pretty crude or whatnot but in Bob Sagitt same way like he worked blue something's pretty good he was so dirty yeah yeah but he's but but he was America's guy like yeah to me this is a wild career because it would be like if Ralphie May were like uh played a father on a sitcom like a wholesome dad I don't know on a sitcom like a Mr. Rogers type or something so he's got Because Bob Sagitt, of course, he's on Full House,

and then he's doing America's funniest videos. And he is, I would call him America's dad, but a rapist has that title. So I don't know. I don't know. But, like, it is fascinating to me that Bob Sagitt could have this career where he was, like, wholesome dad, family fun. But meanwhile, he's the dirtiest comic around.

And it was so funny to watch him. I mean, when he, because also your perception is, like, wait, aren't you, Danny, what is it, Danny Tanner, right? Up there, like, doing pervy jokes about the Olson twins, and you're just like, dude. Yeah. Yeah, he was really, really funny. It's tough. I don't know if anyone else has been able to have a career quite like that.

Like, strike that balance. I mean, you could take that balance down a really dark road with Bill Cosby. Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, I mean, he took a whole. As we know from people like, I think, who is it? Who was it? Oh, Eddie Murphy. Like, we know, you're right.

That's the darkest place. Yeah. That's a whole, like, dark secret. Oh my God. I can't believe it. But, like, in public, like on stage, Bill Cosby would not swear. Like, famously wouldn't swear. And when Eddie Murphy, who swore a lot on stage, would get like, I don't know,

letters or phone calls from Bill Cosby chastising him for his language. Right. And then, you know, meanwhile. Meanwhile, he's got roofies in a. jar by the dressing room door. Yeah, it's like, you know, he was the sweater jello guy. I want, I always, am I in my impression. I put a roofie in the, in the jello shot.

Oh, he's Coke, yeah, well, jello, yes. And coke, yeah, this is wholesome, wholesome Bill Cosby. Comedians are not generally the most wholesome, you know. Do you need, so tell me this, because your husband, Ralphie, very funny. But do you need to have a, like a dark? side in order to be hilarious. Like, there's a direct correlation there? No, I don't think so.

I mean, because I don't have a dark side, and I'm really funny. If I had more time, I'd discover it. Maybe. I have dark thoughts sometimes, but that's, I never, I don't know. I don't think you have to. It's not mandatory, but it helps. No, I mean, and I think there's different kinds of comedians who, like, whereas Rofi used substances, I wake up at 530 and work out and lift very, very heavy weight and try and like do other things that are productively maybe mental.

But this does sound like you're quite the odd couple. Yeah, we were for sure. But we had comedy in common. And, you know, I got more into doing things like lifting heavy weight and exercising because of him because I was constantly researching, oh, how did somebody get this weight off their body? And I just learned and thought, well, that's, I'll try it. And maybe you were trying to, you know, influence.

him, like lead by example. For sure. For sure. I'd like, you know, there was a time he got out of rehab and we were talking about sugar. I cleared every piece of sugar out of my house. And I try hard not to bring anything sugar in even to this day. So, I mean, it did. It messed me up a little bit and well, a lot a bit. But yeah. Yeah, I don't know if you have to be like, certainly there's the gamut, right? Like you have, we're talking about Cosby who was like drugging and ripping women. Well, this is an extreme example. Yeah. And there are other calls. comics that are, you know, like, got in trouble for doing gross things like Louis C.K.

Yeah. And especially prime early Louis C.K. Was this funny as stand-up comic as there is in this world. Yeah, he's hilarious. The only thing I can say about him is that it doesn't surprise me because if you ever saw early episodes of Lucky Louis. I watched every episode. He would run across the stage and naked and you'd see his dick, right?

So like he had no problem. Everybody who was watching his show in the world saw it. So if you saw it in his office, that's definitely inappropriate. But I don't think there was any secrets that he wanted to expose himself. Yeah, yeah. Well, this, I mean, I'm not that well versed in what's going on. No, I do know there's a difference. There is a difference.

You shouldn't be. No, inviting someone in. Well, I was going to say, like, showing your penis, maybe get consent first. Like, may I show you my penis? So you don't want to blindside. I've had that happen. I've been blindsided by one and twice. Blindsided.

So what, like, anyone famous? Yeah. I'm not doing to divulge right now. Okay, wow. Yeah, maybe when the mics are off. So I'm going to show you my penis without your consent is one thing. And there's another level. Bad thing to do.

Yeah, but it's another level to say, I don't have any consent from you, but I'm going to take, I'm going to masturbate in front of you. Oh, totally. It's the ultimate power. Like, there's one thing to be like, I'm going to, um, I, you know, like on the success chart. Like, I'm successful enough. that I'm going to masturbate in my workplace.

And so, like, nobody come in the office. I masturbating. But then you have to be, like, really, really big in the company to be like, but wait, you need to stay in the office while I do that. You know what I thought you were going to say, Lana? And you started going to say, you need to be really, really big in the company. I thought you're going to say you have to be really, really horny.

Or just like. Like what level of horny is that where it's like, I need to, I'm going to masturbate right now in front of you. I cannot wait until I'm alone in my bedroom. I think it's, it might have. also be a power trip. Yeah, you're right. It's more like you're going to watch me do this. That's how much power I have over here. Yeah. Like, I'm that successful that you, like, it's time. It's, it's noon. It's time for me to about, you need to leave. Or, oh, it's noon. You need to stay. Like,

it's like, it's all bad. But that's like, it's all about power. But yeah, like, I think the two things that make you the most successful person is if you can masturbate anytime you want and fly private. Because that combination is like ultimate like you are very successful. Okay. I'm taking notes over here. And if you're flying private, then you will be alone when you masturbate. Well,

maybe. But like the idea is that like prisoners can masturbate any, but think, you know, if you're bored or whatever, like, but you can't fly private. And that,

I've never, I've never actually flown private. So I'm not that successful. But I also can't just masturbate any time I want, nor do I want to. But like, that's just,

that's just the definition in my mind of ultimate success. Okay. Well, let me. We're majorly off topic. No, this is how Toronto. Somebody called it tangential Mike. Somebody called this.

And we are going to come back because we're going to come back to Ralphie and we're going to come back to this film. I have more Ralphie May questions and more questions about come what may. But I'm obviously, I'm curious about you. So when did you realize you were funny, Lana Turner? Oh, you know, okay. So I never thought I would do stand-up comedy. I was really shy.

But I had written songs on my guitar, and they were funny. And I knew they were funny because I'd come out of my shell a little bit and played them for some people. And then I, gosh, I was almost like a dare. Okay, taking it back a little bit further, I had a car accident. And the car accident that night, I realized I could have died. And so anything going forward from that point was like,

if there's something that scares me or something illogical that I should be doing, that I think I might want to do. And there's no logical reason for me not doing it. It's just based in fear. I should probably get over that and do it because I might not be alive tomorrow. And so when somebody said, well, why don't you go and play some of those songs at the comedy club? I was like, you know what?

I'm going to try. I loved stand up. Loved it. I just hadn't seen very many people that look like me that had done it and wandered into the club and played my songs and got booked almost immediately. And then the moment I got paid for doing it, which was two months after. my first open mic, I couldn't believe I'd gotten paid money to sing a dirty song. And that was it. Like, I was like, I can, if I can get paid 20 bucks, I could get paid 40. So I stuck with it.

And getting paid to sing your dirty songs, your funny songs is going to be one hell of a dopamine hit. You know what? That you bring that up. Yeah. It's highly addictive. Yeah. Yes. And then you're like to chase the dragon. It is so, it's the one, when you talk about addiction, that is one of the things that it, yes, it's a huge dopamine hit to be standing. Especially, I had a very low self-esteem. So, and I was told this by a therapist, like, the best thing you could do is stand in front of a room full of people and get their approval because you crave that. And I was like, oh, that's probably true. So, yeah, I think comedians a lot of times have that low self-esteem and need that, that they crave that. They crave that, like, acceptance and like, yeah. And how do

go from getting some cash to perform at, I don't know, local comedy club. I guess you're still in Texas at this point, right? Yeah, I started in Texas and you just keep on going, like keep working and trying to get more gigs. And I joke that I still make the same amount. But no, you just try. The harder thing to get in comedy is the following,

not necessarily the jokes. There's some really, really funny people that you might never hear of. And then there's some really famous people that might not even be as funny as the one you haven't heard of. They just had that luck of getting known. But how do you get to the stage where you're recording albums? So how do you go

from, yeah, you're in Houston, you're performing at comedy clubs, you're even making a little money. Yeah. And then you've got albums coming out, comedy albums. I mean, my first albums were audio, and I just went to studio and recorded them, or I did live shows and recorded them live, but my one hour special, which I need to do another one, but the one that I did, oh gosh, it's been at least a decade, but a woman that saw me perform, she was a producer, a film producer, and wanted to get into comedy and really liked my material.

And she's like, we're recording you. And then we just made a deal and it all kind of happened. So that's my story. And what's the name of this? If these lips could talk. Okay. If these lips could talk. Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, that's my one hour. Yeah. No, I'm sorry, that's my, I'm mixing up my own title. So I wrote a song about it as my one hour special. Right. That's, yeah, because if these lips could talk is 2012. I will, I will. So I wrote a song about it is 2014.

Yeah, that's my one hour special. Yeah, I've got like four or five things like that out. And then, yeah. So I guess people get them different ways. I mean, like, I haven't had my like Netflix special, but that's, that's a whole different. Well, it's still early for you. So I was on Tobe and Hulu and now it's, now it's, now it's, just available on a bunch of different platforms.

Okay, and where in your, like, trajectory here? Like, when do you meet Ralphie Mae? Oh, when I first started, we became friends. Like, he was in bouncing between Houston and L.A. and the road. And actually, one of our early gigs together after we first met, we drove from Houston to Toronto and did some shows here together, very early in our relationship. And he actually struggled with the audiences here. Can you elaborate because he does have what I call a Southern American style.

He did, yeah. He's got the, I don't want to call it, what's the proper term for it? It's like a bit of a, I don't want to call it like a redneck accent. But I'm trying to be sensitive to all those lovely rednecks listening. But we, we, it just felt like, oh, this is very Southern USA, this style, this delivery style, the accent, a lot of the jokes. I was wondering how that would play in Toronto. I think maybe you can correct me, but like I feel like Canada has a lot more like European flair, right?

Like to me, it feels just like when you cross the border, just America is America. And Canada has this merger between. You're 100% right. Yeah. So his flavor is definitely like very middle America. And so early on when he first came here, he didn't have the voice that resonated. But then I know he came back. and played one of the big theaters.

I don't know which one it was here in Toronto and had a big audience because people, you know, fell in love with him once they got to know him. But, and then maybe he figured out better how to perform here. I wasn't with him on that show. Well, he got better. Like, this is how all things are. You put in your reps.

You get better. Ralphie Mae got better. His jokes got funnier. And even Canadians and even Torontoians like funny. Yeah. He was funny. But yeah, it's definitely a Southern flavor. like his accent and his physical size too.

I mean, he was, he was very, he's very American. Well, yeah, we got our, uh,

overweight people up here to, yeah, to introduce you to some, but that's, but I feel like also, I couldn't, maybe, like,

where was Ralphie from? Like, where did he grow up? Where did he come of age? He was born in Tennessee and raised in Arkansas. So what you're, what you're, what you're experiencing the accent is,

he's Arkansas, you know, Southern. Yeah. Yeah. It's no, it's super, it's super,

it's super southern. Yeah. And, I just wondered if there was any link between smaller town North America. I won't even lump just America, but and obesity. Like if maybe, maybe in the bigger cities, the bigger centers, maybe there's less obesity? This is, maybe I'm making a false assumption. Maybe.

Maybe I'm out to lunch. No, you know, I don't, definitely different areas of the states. You see, you know, heavier people. But I don't have like. I would just think if you, more walking, more cycling, more activity,

that that might, that more higher fitness level, like, you know, you do in the weights and you watching what you eat. Yeah. No,

I mean, Los Angeles is such an active city. So, yeah. I mean, but he, I mean, he didn't live there his whole life.

So I don't, yeah, I, I'm not the expert on that, but I do just as a person in the world, seeing the world and going to different parts of the country.

There's definitely like food deserts, right, is what they call them in small towns in Middle America where you can't even get. I did, I filmed a pilot for a TV show in like a rural part of Tennessee and I couldn't get a fresh vegetable. That's fascinating. There's farms around there, but they didn't have fresh veggies in anywhere. I just couldn't get one. Because I was thinking the life, I was thinking when we were talking about Ralphie Mae and, you know,

peaking at 800 pounds. And then I was thinking, oh, well, you're a stand-up comic. I'm going to imagine you work nights, you tour around, and then maybe you had a hotel, and what are you going to do? Oh, yeah,

you're going to go to the fast food joint and get yourself a combo, or you're going to order a pizza or whatever. Like, you're not cooking your own meals. And you talked about this earlier. The fast food and the restaurant meals, the cheat for flavor is to load it with sugar and salt, et cetera. Yeah, and actually, they're like,

they do studies, on the food before they put it into these places to get to maximize the addicto quality and they'll actually those burgers they'll make them as chewable as possible so how many times i'm going to masticate we're talking about mastricade the food so like it so it's the easiest to swallow it so like in other words like like a regular burger that you'd make at home you might have to to chew bite down like 15 to 20 times before you could swallow that bite of food whereas like a fast food you could like, it's more, you can get it down your throat faster. It's easier and therefore your brain likes it and it's, yeah.

And then you eat more. And then you eat more of it. And it's like baby food. It becomes like, oh, it's so easy to eat and it tastes so good. And it's all researched. And yeah, isn't that? I know I find that fascinating. I just find it all fascinating.

And I'm not, I'm not here. I'm not the healthiest eater. I have a lot of improvements to make in that area. And I am actually, at this point of my life, I am trying. I am trying. but I do know fast food is poison and I rarely consume fast food it's just because I know I'm eating poison

yeah and like so I try to eat healthy and everything but I'm from it when I was little my mother never gave me any soda and I don't like soda so I've never drank a single soda no carbonated beverages none yeah I just don't like it so that's a that's fortunate it. So, I mean, that's a big problem. Like, there's so much sugar. Drinking your sugar. Yeah, drinking your calories. And I, and Rafi love to drink soda. So, and there's a whole soda, that chunk in the film actually that shows what he was doing with the soda.

So. And if you're, if you're drinking straight up Coke in large quantities, like a two-liter bottle, do you have liters down there? What do you do? I mean, they mark a liter on it. I know, isn't it? I know, I'm like two-liter combing. You know, how many quarts is that. I have no idea here, okay? You know, tell your American friends. friends, the metric system makes more sense. I know. Don't be afraid. It's ridiculous, right?

Like, what? It starts in the, it's increments of 10. 10 millimeters. Yes. 100 centimeters. Yeah. A thousand meters is a kilometer. This is just logic.

And then like, but nope, they got to go to 12. Wait, that's a much harder mass. See, it's political. Too many, I think too many things in America have been politicized that should never have been politicized. And the metric system is one of them, just like universal health care. Right. You know, if you trip coming out of my door and you break your leg,

I don't know what, you won't have an O-Hip card, obviously, I don't think. But I don't think you're going to get an invoice from the local St. Joe's Health Center here. Right. Let's find out. No, that's not going to push me down. All right. So I'm going to get some detail in here now in case, because we may run out of time because normally I kind of just go. I know.

But don't I, we're not done yet. Where, if somebody listening wants to see, come what may. which tells the full story of Ralphie Mae through the comics who stood beside him, the friends who knew him best, and the people who watched him burn bright at the center of comedy. How does one listening consume this film?

Well, and I'm going to put a caveat in there that even if you don't care about Ralphie and don't want to hear a story about him, the people who are watching this film, it resonates with them personally because everybody I know at least, or that I've met in this journey, know somebody dealing with addiction or is an addict or recovering or whatever.

And so the film is more than just his story. But knowing all of that, you're going to want to see it. And how do you see it? Well, right now it's not streaming anywhere. I'm working on that. But there's a website where you can sign up for, so that I can let you know when it's coming out, which is come what may film.com. And you can also get on Ralphie's social media or my social media.

We're constantly updating. And so I can let you know when it's, when it's, becomes available, which I don't have a date yet. I'm really, really working towards that. How long are you in town for? I'm just here till Sunday. Really? Yeah.

It's a whirlwind trip for you. It's a quick trip, but I want to come back as soon as I can. I want to bring my kids. How old are your kids now? Oh, my gosh. My daughter's going to be 19 and two weeks. Wow. And she's a baby in the film, and my son's 17, which is nice.

I have to say, like, we've been working on this film for, I say we, because they've been a part of it for almost a decade. And so now they're old enough. I should show you something, actually. Here, yeah. This is really cool because the kids were so little when I started working. I brought this for you. And I put it in my bag this morning very early, thinking I was going to be here at three.

Right. And I said, you know, people will hear that convo in the episode of Toast. I couldn't wait to finish Toast because I needed to communicate with you. I'm sorry. Don't show up now. There's no room at the inn. and I had to do the phone call during toast and I wasn't going to edit it out

because it was kind of neat. What did he got there? So my kids, my son didn't have very many positive memories about Ralphie, his dad, because he was so little. And so I decided I needed to give him some positive memories. So I created this comic book series called Pounds of Power about Supperman Johnny, who through a science experiment,

it is discovered that he can burn his fat as stored energy and use it for power. And so he's the first ever fat superhero. And so, yeah, that's my little like... Amazing. Positive spin on everything. Pounds of power. No, you're a multi-talented human being, Lana Turner. That has been a really fun thing to create.

And I'm really proud of it. You can get pounds of power online. Like, it's available online. Now it's got a distribution. Yeah, there's four. And at the end of book four is my favorite. there's a good cliffhanger, so I have to keep writing this series. Who's the artist?

This guy, Hugo, out of Spain, isn't he phenomenal? Yeah, like I was going to, please don't tell me, Lana drew it too. No. I can't have all the power. So I actually studied art in college, but I could never. I don't even know how he did that. Like, that is insane, right? Well, let's hope it wasn't AI.

No, no AI. That's like really, yeah. It looks good. Now, when I'm watching the dog, you know, he dies. Your husband died of a heart attack at 45 years old while in Vegas. And, you know, it builds up to that that he had a residency in Vegas. And I was thinking that's kind of a major accomplishment for a stand-up comic. Yeah.

Like to get a residency. Like, was that, what, do you feel he had reached his full potential there? Like a pinnacle of sorts? No. No. I think, I mean, for him, it was the end of his career.

But, I mean, if he were alive today, no. I don't think so. I think he would have gone on to do all kinds of things. What do you think would have been, and maybe he wouldn't have reached it yet, he'd be still climbing, but what would have been his pinnacle? Like, how far could Ralphie may have gone

in the comedy world? So that's a complicated question, because, So he was not insurable at his size. So whenever, you know, in order to kind of go to the next thing, if you're not just doing stand-up, which, you know, which is great. He probably would have put out more specials and he would have continued doing stand-up and moving people and making people laugh and giving them joy.

But at his size, he couldn't get a sitcom or a movie booking outside of a day player role. Because if they give you millions of dollars and put you on, in a project, and you're a high risk investment that he, you know, so that was a big problem in his career. So there's two different trajectories, right? There's the man that ended his career at 45 because he couldn't get a hold of his demons, which is the sad end of one journey. And there's the one where, you know, when he told me he was going to lose weight and he had gastric bypass and he did lose weight and then we got married, you know, 10, 15 years after that,

he's healthy and thin. And now he's inspiring people. Now he's the guy that lost the weight and he can give positive messages and maybe change other people's lives through that message. That would have been my dream for him. And who knows where that road would have led, right? Like that's, even just being a father,

that's, you know, to just sum it up as simple as possible, the career, and this could make me cry. The career is great. Maybe if that was the top of his career, than cool, but he left two kids.

And I don't want to end this podcast crying, but that's like the truth. He left his children and that, that's not a, that's not good. There's nothing good about that. No, no, no. But he, yeah, you know, damn it. That was, it's tough talk to watch in the sense that you can see him fucking it up.

And I had this recurring nightmare I talked about. I did a one-man show at the Elmo. No, I'm not as funny as Ralphie Mae, but I did a one-man show, or Lana Turner. But I did the show, and I alluded to, I was haunted as a child by the Challenger space shuttle disaster, haunted. And I had recurring nightmares. I don't even want to talk about it in too much detail,

because I actually could cry right now. I know, I know. But basically, I'm piloting a space shuttle, and I can see, oh, like I can see, oh, we're going to crash, and everybody's going to die. And the whole nightmare is like, I can't stop it. It's the worst nightmare. And watching this doc, I had a similar sensation, which is like, I see, I can see how overweight your husband was.

And the pills and the family trauma undone with, I suppose. And I could see, I could see sort of like a Chris Farley. Right. Like I can see, oh, the boat is sinking. You know, I remember that day too in the Challenger crap. It was horrible. It was probably one of the scariest things from our childhood, right? Right.

I would say, oh, okay, so somebody very close to this project said something really, really smart early on when we were creating it. He said, no one would be surprised about a story about an 800 man that died young and was addicted to substances. And that's not where the story is. is in this film because there's no surprise in that. The story is in the addiction journey, the family, and the, and, they're, like, and the personal experience that people will go through. So basically, like, what, if you removed Ralphie from the story

and removed his obesity from it, where we still have this, like, insanely personal journey that has a lot of laughter in it and still has a lot that you can learn and apply to your own life or understand about somebody else close to you that's going through something. And that's the gift that I think Rafi left. Well, I'm glad you made this film.

Thank you. And I will, you know, follow the social media and check out the website and find out, you know, when it can be consumed by people with less VIP status than yours, truly. I like that you ended on consumed because we can make a joke out of that at the end of this because it was so heavy at the very end.

Well, you know, it's funny. When you were crying, I'm like, oh, maybe it feels so. No, and then you're like, I don't want to end on this. And I'm like, a lot of, we got to go. I have to get my kid to soccer. We might be ending on these tears. We got to end on this. We got to go get the kids now.

And then I had that sensation of like, oh, how do I turn this around in like 30 seconds? We're turning it around. We got, you got kids to get. And yeah, no, we got to come back and do it more. Yeah. You know what? Absolutely. Like, it's you're easy to talk to, you're funny.

What more does a man? want. Oh, thank you. Well, thanks for having me on here. And I won't be late next time. I'll be on time. I'll make sure I'll have like 10 alarms and make sure it's right. Now I learned, though, now I learned confirm with Lana Turner what time.

What does she put in her calendar? Because who knows what's going in there. I'm not that bad. And it's funny because I'm like texting you and I'm screencapping the text in which we confirmed 11 o'clock. Just because I thought I might be crazy. No, I went back and looked and I was like, how did I do this? I don't even know.

Shit happens. Yes. Shit happens. You're forgiven. I got to say it was an absolute pleasure. I wish we had more time. I kind of want to talk more about your career. And I got lots more I'd love to chat about.

I'll come back just to do this next time. I promise. Beautiful, beautiful. And again, my condolences, Ralphie Mae, far too young. Just sad. And a couple of kids who, you know, now read about them in pounds of power. That seems so empty. That's so lame.

Well, it could be worse. I wish there's a pounds of power for me. So I will check these out. Thank you. And you're now an F-O-T-M. That means friend of Toronto Mike. They can't take that away from you, Lana. T-M.

F-O-L-T, L-O-T-L-L-T-R-T-R-N-E-R. And there's an H in this, Lana. Yes, you can find me. Follow you ever. Do you want to shut out your social media? Lana Turner, everywhere. L-A-H-N-A-T-U-R-N-R. If you follow,

long dead actress. That'll be weird because there was no Instagram back then so that's weird. That would be the wrong one. And that by the way,

before you disappear because I got to take a photo with you by Toronto Tree. Okay. And then hopping up and I can get my boy to soccer in that order. Okay, lots going on here.

And that brings us to the end of our 1,957th show. 1957. Wow. Go to Toronto mic.com for all your Toronto Mike needs.

And much love to all who made this possible. There was no time to shout them out in this episode. But Great Lakes Brewery, thank you for your support. Palma Pasta, delicious Italian food in the GTA. Toronto Maple Leafs Baseball. Games are free at Christy Pits. Check it out this summer. Nick Iini's, I mentioned the new episode of Karen Stints.

That's Building Toronto Skyline. Recyclemyelectronics.ca. That's where you go. If you have old electronics, old cables, old devices. you don't throw that in the garbage. Those chemicals end up in our landfill. You go to Recycle My Electronics.C.A. And, of course, we did talk a lot about death today,

but shout out to Ridley Funeral Home. Their podcast is called Life's Undertaking. Who's next, Lana? Let me see. Who's coming over Monday? Oh, from the Toronto Sun. He writes about sports for the Sun. Mike Gantor makes his Toronto Mike debut Monday at 1 p.m.

See you all then. I'm