Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Mr. Goohead: Toronto Mike'd #756

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

Remember Mr. Goohead, a creation of Fred Patterson that aired mornings on CFNY 102.1? How do those episodes sound today? Could they be aired on terrestrial radio in 2020?

Welcome to episode 756 of Toronto Mic'd, a weekly podcast about anything and everything. Proudly brought to you by Great Lakes Brewery, a fiercely independent craft brewery who believes in supporting communities, good times and brewing amazing beer. CDN Technologies, your outsourced IT department. Joanne Glutish, a lifetime member of the National Chairmen's Club, awarded to the top 1% of agents at Royal LePage Canada.

StickerU.com, create custom stickers, labels, tattoos and decals for your home and your business. Ridley Funeral Home. This year's Holidays in Hope Candlelight Service of Remembrance is December 2nd at 7pm. And Palma Pasta.

Enjoy the taste of fresh homemade Italian pasta and entrees from Palma Pasta in Mississauga and Oakville. I'm Mike from torontomike.com. And this week, we look back at Mr. Goo Head. Prior to Fred Patterson inventing Mr. Goo Head, he was the morning show sportscaster on the Pete and Geet show on CFNY 102.1. It was the creation of Mr. Goo Head that acted as a springboard for Fred, leading to his move from sportscaster to morning show co-host.

The first Mr. Goo Head happened in 1987 with the Time Change episode on the Steve Anthony morning show. The clocks just changed and something inspired Fred to call a Chinese restaurant and, quote, screw with the guy. The voice just came out, and the name came from his brother-in-law, who used to call people goo-heads. It got such a great reaction, Fred just kept thinking of concepts and doing them. great reaction. Fred just kept thinking of concepts and doing them. After 15

years, Fred grew tired of Mr. Goo Head. Morning shows changed and so did the Humble and Fred show. And prank calls simply didn't inspire him anymore. I'm wondering

how the humor in Mr. Goo Head holds up all these years later. Could they air on terrestrial radio today in 2020? I'm going to play every Goo Head I have and react with my 2020 sensibilities. Full disclosure, I currently produce The Humble and Fred Show, which is now a podcast and the morning show for Funny 820 in Hamilton.

We'll begin with a song written and performed by Alan Price, keyboardist for the Animals. Price wrote this song for the film Oh Lucky Man. Here's Look Over Your Shoulder. There's a bluebird singing by your window pane And the sun shines bright all day through Don't forget boy, look over your shoulder Cause there's always someone coming after you You, la la la la. You, la la la la. La la la la la la la. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Uh-huh.

I am trying to find Buffalo. Buffalo Visitor Center. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Uh-huh. I am trying to find Buffalo. Buffalo Visitor Center? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Okay. I'm trying to find Buffalo. Where are you? I'm on something called

the Peace Bridge. Okay, well, you're pretty much right there. You just crossed the bridge and you're in Buffalo. Well, I've crossed the bridge, but what I'm looking at isn't a city.

Buffalo Visitor Center, please hold. Thank you for calling. Buffalo is a wonderful place to visit. The city is filled with spectacular things to see and do. Whether you like the arts, museums, sports, or great food, we have it all for you. Thanks for holding. Yes, we must have been cut off. Okay. Yes. Now I'm standing on Thanks for holding. Yes, we must have been cut off. Okay. Yes. Now I'm standing on the Peace Bridge. What do I do now?

Well, where do you want to be? I want to be in Buffalo. You're in Buffalo. That is Buffalo. As soon as you cross the Peace Bridge, you're in the city of Buffalo. Well, it can't be. Yes, it is. You're downtown Buffalo. No, all I see is a big dump. And someone set fire to the dump.

And there's chicken wings everywhere. I'm going to be sick to my stomach. Cheek to hug. In this first mystery goo head we're listening to today, the butt of the joke is Buffalo, New York. You see, it's not a city. It's a dump. Could you play this one today? I say yes. But it's a little mean to our Buffalo friends. Yes? I was wondering if you could help me.

Pardon? Yes, I was wondering, how much do you charge, um, to falafel? Two dollars. You charge two dollars to falafel? For falafel, yes. Why do you want your customers to falafel? To feel awful? Yes.

Mm-hmm. Is that what you have? No. What do you have? No. What do you have? We have falafel. You want me to feel awful? No. I want you to feel energetic.

Yes. Falafel, okay. It seems that you speak English, but do you read English? Yes. Do you write English? Yes. Okay, how do you write awful? Pardon me? How do you read English? Yes. Do you write English? Yes. Okay, how do you write awful? Uh-huh, pardon me?

How do you write awful? A-F-A-L? No, wrong. Well, that's the way I write awful, and that's why on your sign it says to filawful. No, don't feel awful. No, if you come here, you'll feel very happy.

Why would I feel happy if you want to make me to feel awful? You know something? I don't have time for you and for your conversation now. If you want to talk something, sense, talk it. Okay. Do you have chicken shawarma?

Yes. Are people going to eat chicken shawarma today? Yes. Please, let him go. We miss the hairy little bastard. No, wrong. Please. No, no, no. One more question. Yes? How much for a scary bald-headed pita? I don't have time for you and for your... You're not f***ing bad. Firstly, $2 for a falafel is a fantastic deal. And nice shout-outs to Chicken Schwarma,

who is an FOTM. He is really named Jeff Domet. And another shout-out to Scary Bald-Headed Pete, who's a pretty good buddy of mine as well. Now, when I was thinking back to these episodes, I remember the butt of the joke being more the broken English from the New Canadian. But listening to it now, it's not nearly as bad as I remembered it. You could play this one today. No Food Haven? Yes, I was wondering if you could help this one today. my washroom? Yes, I'm in your washroom with my cell phone. Are you kidding? No. I don't think so. Yes, I am in your washroom

with my cell phone. Don't think so. How you get in my washroom? I am sitting in your washroom and you're out of toilet paper. Can you bring me some in, please? Why are you laughing at me? I'm in a predicament. Lucky I had my cell

phone. No. Pardon me? Nobody in my washroom. I'm in your washroom. I tell my lady go to check the washroom. Nobody there. Nobody in washroom. I'm in your washroom. Where were you? What's the washroom you you in? I'm in your restaurant. Nobody in there. Nobody in there. Nobody washroom. Where's my washroom? Where's my... You don't know where your washroom is?

Yeah. Where is it? I don't know. No wonder there's no toilet paper in here. What can I help you? What can I do? You could bring me some nice downy soft Royale bathroom tissue. Could you do that for me, please? Yeah.

Just like with the falafel episode, I ask myself a simple question. Is this funny because of the way that the new Canadian speaks English? Because if that's what's funny, then this is not cool in 2020. I mean, it wasn't cool then. You wouldn't be able to play this in 2020. You'll find this question pops up quite a bit with the Goo Head episodes. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. this question pops up quite a bit with the Goo Head episodes. G-O-O-H-E-A-D. Now, what time should I come? Okay.

It depends, uh, what time do you want to come in? Pardon me? It's up to me. It's up to you. Well, I would like the reservations to be for 6 o'clock. But with the time change to Saturday night, does that mean I have to show up at 7 o'clock? It doesn't matter the time change or not, but it depends what time they come in, right? Okay, I want to come at six. You want to come at six,

so you come at six, then. So should I show up at seven? How can you show up at seven, then? If you want six, you have to come at six. No, but with the time change. Oh, the time change doesn't matter, sir.

So you want at seven, you can come at seven. Okay? So then I would show up at eight, then. No, no, no. Okay, when you set up the car one hour earlier this week, right? Yes.

So if you make a reservation at 5, so you can come at 5. So then I would show up at 6? If you make a reservation at 7, you should come at 7. Not 8, okay? 7, 7. So you're telling me to come at 7? Yeah, if you make a 7, you come at 7. So that's really 6. How can you get 6?

So that's 5. No. When you make a 6, you come at 6. That 6, you said you mean 5, it means in the wintertime. In the summertime is the 6, okay? How can you get 4 in the wintertime in the summertime, right? Right. Okay, you got it? So I come at 6. Okay? How can you get forward in the summertime, right? Right. Okay, you got it? So I come at 5.

When you make a separation on the 6th, you come at 6. Why does everyone always hang up on me? Okay, our third goo head in a row with an accent. But as I parse the comedy in that bit, and again, that's the very first Goo Head. That is the Goo Head that launches dozens of Mr. Goo Head episodes. The fool is Goo Head. Goo Head is the idiot.

The gentleman who's working at the restaurant, he's not the idiot. he's not the idiot. He's not the fool. You're laughing at goo head. And that's why I'm confident in saying you could still play this one today. Can I help you? Yes, I'm calling about my RSVP. Yes, sir, I'll try to help you.

Yes, I'd be more than pleased to come. Your RSVP. Yes, sir. I'll try to help you. Yes, I'd be more than pleased to come. Your RSVP for what, sir? It said in the newspaper, call the bank today about your RSVP, so I'm calling. Yeah, I'd like to come. Thank you very much. Sir, are you sure you weren't reading about an RRSP?

I don't know why they invited me, but what the heck, I'll come. Well, I'm afraid we didn't send out any invitations, and there's no reason for you to call in with an RSVP. I'm sure it's an RRSP, and there must have been a misprint. Oh, no, I think somebody's having a party. I'm sorry, sir. We are not having a party. We're inviting you to come in and take out your RSVPs.

Well, there you go. You're inviting me, so I'm sending you my RSVP. Thank you very much for inviting me. Okay. You can come in at any time, sir, and we'll open your RSVP for you. I really don't know what you're talking about, an RSVP. I'm terribly sorry, but we're not having a party. But you just invited me to one. Sir, you can come down at any time and open an RRSP if you're interested. Well, that's what I said, RSVP. May I have your name and number, sir, and we'll return your call? My name is Mr. Goo Head.

Mr. Who? Goo Head. Goo Head. Yes. Okay, Mr. Goo Head, somebody will try and get back to you and explain it. Does this RSVP have a BYOB? You can bring your own booze if you'd like. I feel like that one needed a, uh, why does everybody always hang up on me?

The fool is Goo Head. What an idiot. That's why these work. Mr. Goo Head plays The Fool. And we laugh at him. By the way, Fred once told me that he did not get permission from the people he was pranking to air them on the radio. And when times progressed and he had to get that permission,

I think he told me he called people out of market who would never hear the show. That's one way around the rule. OPP. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm phoning regarding the ride program. Okay. Yes.

I think it's a very good program. Yes? Yes, it's very, very clever. Yes. So I would like to book a ride, please. Okay, whereabouts? Pardon me? Whereabouts?

At my house. You want somebody to set up a ride program by your house? Well, you see, no. I have a Christmas party tomorrow night, and I'd like a ride. You'd like a ride to your Christmas party? Yes. Okay, that's not what the ride program is. The ride program checks vehicles for people that have been drinking. Yes, and I don't want to drink and drive, so I would like to take advantage of the ride program.

So could you pick me up at about 7 30 and take me to my Christmas party? No, you don't understand. The ride program is what checks the vehicles. They don't pick people up and take them to their destinations. I want a ride from my house to my Christmas party where I will be drinking. Yes, but the police... So I don't want to drink and drive, so I would like the ride program to give me a ride. The ride program doesn't do that. Well, why do they call it ride? They call it ride because the letters stand for something. What's that? I'm not exactly sure offhand.

So what could I do? You would have to call a cab or you would have to go with a friend, but the police won't come and pick you up and take you to your party. Can I pick you up and take you to my Christmas party with me? No, I'm sorry. I'm working. Thank you. The days before Uber and Lyft, poor goo head needed to call a cab. Yeah, this is pretty safe stuff. Completely playable in 2020. Just some pretty innocent, inoffensive, tame humor.

Perfect for Toronto Radio. Augusta National. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Yes, sir. I would like to play in your golf tournament. It's not open to the public. Pardon me? It's not open to the public.

Why not? Just a moment. Second office, may I help you? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Uh-huh. I would like to play in your golf tournament. Uh-huh. And I was wondering play in your golf tournament. Uh-huh. And I was wondering how I could go about doing that.

You would like to play in the golf tournament? Yes. Well, sir, that's, um... That's kind of difficult to answer. Why is that? I've got the green fees I've saved up. Well, I mean, you know, the tournament is by invitation. Could you send me one, please? No, sir.

Why can't I play in your golf tournament? I'm very good. I think I need to transfer you to security. Would you like to hold just a moment, please? Excuse me? I think I need to transfer you to security. Would you like to hold just a moment, please? Excuse me? I think I need to transfer you to security. Would you like to hold just a moment? Thank you. Mm-hmm. Can we help you? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me.

I'll try. I would like to play in your golf tournament this weekend. this weekend? I'm sorry, but the only way you can play is by invitation only. Can you send me an invitation? No, sir. I'm sorry. I shot a 105 at Eddie Shaxx.

I'm sorry, but they go to the professionals and they have to win a major tournament. Well, I won a major tournament. There are certain tournaments that you have to win. Like which ones? I don't have the list right here in front of me, sir. I'm sorry. I won the Burley Falls Open in 1983. Um, no, sir. I don't believe that would qualify you. It wouldn't. I'm very sorry. We can't help you. Thank you for calling. Bye.

My wife says I'm a real winner. Hello? They just don't want a Canadian to win the Masters. Nice shout-out by Freddie P. to the Eddie Shack Golf Course. Long gone, the late, great Eddie Shack golf course, long gone, the late great Eddie Shack, and his very own Burley Falls, where he has been spending summers forever. And of course, a little joke at the end about Canadians never winning the Masters, which is no longer true.

Mike Weir, Masters Champion, 2003. Hi. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. What is it? You have jerked chicken? Yes. I would like to know who jerks the chicken. Well, who working here jerks it.

People that work here. You jerk at work? Yes. You do? Yes. Do you use any battery operated equipment? What? For jerking the chicken. Well, I didn't jerk it. I can't answer those

questions. I have to talk to the person who jerk it. Well, can I talk to the other guy? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. That's very good. Yes, I'm very concerned about something you serve. What? Do you serve jerk chicken? Yep.

You do? Yeah. I don't understand. I do. I said yes. Yes, but I don't understand how you jerk the chicken. Oh, you don't understand how I jerk the chicken? Yes. Do you jerk the chicken? Yes.

How do you jerk the chicken? It's hard for me to explain to you to tell you how I jerk the chicken? Yes. How do you jerk the chicken? It's hard for me to explain to you to tell you how I jerk the chicken. Do you use like your bare hands? No. What what do you do? You got to get first you got to get a chicken. Yes you got to get the chicken if you're going to jerk the chicken. Yes. Yes. And you're going to get the jerk chicken sauce. Doesn't the sauce come after? No. It doesn't? No.

Now, do you do this in private? Huh? Do you do this in private? I'm going to get you. You know why? Why? Because you's an ass. Pardon me? I said you's an ass. Pardon me?

I said you's an ass. And I wouldn't put the rest of it. You're supposed to pick the rest of it, what I'm talking about. Does the chicken like it when you jerk him? Why don't you go and jerk yourself? But that's why I called. I don't know how. If you want to jerk yourself, go ahead and jerk yourself.

I know exactly how I jerk myself. So if you want to go and jerk it, it's up to you. Man, that's an awful long joke about masturbation. I think of all the goo heads we've played so far, this is the one most likely to be chucked before being aired. Let's face it, it's not that funny, the whole idea of jerk being a euphemism for masturbation. I just think the combination of Jamaican Canadians,

of Jamaican Canadians, masturbation, humor, puts this one on the cutting room floor in 2020. Good morning, Canada Customs. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Okay. Could you tell me how many cases of beer are you allowed to bring across the border? It's one case, 24 bottles.

Just 24 bottles, that's it? Yeah. How long are you planning to be away? Well, I was away on the weekend. It has to be more than 48 hours in order for you to qualify a duty and tax exam. Well, I was away longer than that, too. But I've got a confession to make. I brought two cases back. And you didn't declare it?

No, just one. Why didn't you declare it, sir? Well, because I really didn't actually have it, like, in a case. How many bottles are there in the case? There was 24 in the case. How many bottles are there in the case? There was 24 in the case. And then I had drank 24 just before I left.

Okay. So I had 24 in the car and 24 in my belly. Hold on, please. Yes. Hello, may I help you? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. Mm-hmm. Is this the same lady?

No, it's a different lady, sir. Yes. May I help you? Yes, I was confessing. I brought two cases of beer across on the weekend. You did? Yes. Mm-hmm. One in the car.

Uh-huh. And I drank 24 just before I came across you did sir? yes well there's no problem with that sir there's not? no there isn't but I didn't go to the bathroom or anything

so really I was bringing two 2-4s across that's fine sir I listen to you on the radio every morning too next week I'm going to go over and swallow a VCR. Silly Goo Head. That's ridiculous. Did Goo Head really think he had to declare a 2-4 of beer that he had stored in his bladder? My goodness gracious. The PC police have no case with this one. It's just silly fun.

Play it, Sam. Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. I need a curry. Yes, you have a curry. Oh, it doesn't matter. I just need a curry soon as possible. I have to come there? Hmm.

You don't come to my place? Pardon me? Yes, sir. Hmm. You don't come to my place? Where do you live? Pardon me? Do you live close? Yes. Well, then maybe we do delivery, but generally to come down to the restaurant is curry. How fast is your service? Why do you mean? Well, how fast can you get it through?

You mean the curry? Yes. Well, if you're not used to it, go right through you. Yes. So, what, do you come down or curry? Yes. Well, if you're not used to it, go right through you. Yes. So what, you come down or not? No. Well, so I have to bring the package to you. What package? The package for the curry.

What package are you talking about? For the curry. We put it on the plate. You put what on the plate? The curry. You put a man on a plate? No, we don't. What do you mean, put a man on a plate?

We're talking about food. Do you have a curry on a plate? No, we don't. What do you mean, put a man on a plate? We're talking about food. Do you have a curry for the package? No, it's not. You want curry or not curry? No, but I want a curry. Well, you want curry, you come here. I need someone to deliver a package. We don't do that.

We sell food here. No, but you have a curry. Yes, we have many types of curry, but you want curry. I don't understand what you're saying. You have a curry, but you don't have a curry? Do you have curry? Well, I need him to deliver my package. Do you understand me? No.

You just said, I have curry here. Exactly, and I need one to deliver a package. You just said, I have courier. Yes, we have courier. Exactly, and I need one to deliver a big package. No, no, what you want is a courier. That's what I said. A company that delivers packages.

We make food, we sell food, you come here, you eat food. We don't deliver packages, sir. Do you deliver food? Yeah, you look close. Yes.

Can I put the package with the food? Sir, I told you before, we don't deliver packages. But you deliver food. Yes, sir, we do. Yes. Can I put the package with the food? But you deliver food. What have you got against packages? Don't waste my time anymore, you bastard. That says it all. Mr. Goo Head was pranking these poor service workers as if they had the time to waste with nonsense.

Well, that was fun. Revisiting old goo head episodes. But I can't help but feel that maybe it was best that we leave these episodes where they belong. Buried deep in the nostalgia mines. A copy of a copy. A distant memory of when we were young and dumb. And laughed at anything.

And that brings us to the end of our 756th show. You can follow me on Twitter. I'm at Toronto Mike. Our friends at Great Lakes Brewery are at Great Lakes Beer. Palma Pasta is at Palma Pasta. Sticker U is at Sticker U. CDN Technologies are at CDN Technologies. Joanne Glutish is at Jay Glutish.

And Ridley Funeral Home are at RidN Technologies. Joanne Glutish is at J Glutish and Ridley Funeral Home are at Ridley FH. See you all next week. Well, I want to take a streetcar downtown Read Andrew Miller and wander around And drink some Guinness from a tin Cause my UI check has just come in Ah, where you been? Because everything is kind of rosy and green Yeah, the wind is cold

But the snow, snow Wants me to dance And your smile is fine And it's just like mine And it won't go away Because everything is rosy and green Well, you've been under my skin for more than eight years It's been eight years of laughter and eight years of tears

And I don't know what the future can hold or do For me and you But I'm a much better man for having known you Oh, you know that's true because Everything is coming up Rosy and green Yeah, the wind is cold But the smell of snow

Wants me today And your smile is fine And it's just like mine The wind is cold but the smell of snow won't speed a day. And your smile is fine and it's just like mine and it won't go away. Cause everything is rosy and gray. Well I've been told that there's a sucker born every day. But I wonder who day But I wonder who Yeah, I wonder who Maybe the one who doesn't realize There's a thousand shades of grey

Cause I know that's true Yes, I do I know it's true, yeah I know it's true How about you? All that picking up trash And then putting down roads This podcast has been produced by TMDS and accelerated by Rome Phone. Rome Phone brings you the most reliable virtual phone service to run your business and protect your home number from unwanted calls. Visit RomePhone.ca to get started. And you're smiling smart and it's just like mine And it won't go away

Cause everything is rosy and gray Well I've kissed you in France and I've kissed you in Spain And I've kissed you in places I better not name And I've seen the sun places I better not name. And I've seen the sun go down on Shakhtar Khor. But I like it much better going down on you. Yeah, you know that's true because everything is coming up rosy and green. Yeah, the wind is cold cold but the smell of snow

warms us today and your smile is fine and it's just like mine and it won't go away cause everything is rosy now everything is rosy yeah everything is

rosy and everything is rosy and gray.