Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - My Daughter: Toronto Mike'd #109

Episode Date: February 7, 2015

Mike chats with his daughter.

Welcome to episode 109 of Toronto Mic'd, a weekly podcast about anything and everything, often with a distinctly Toronto flavour. I'm Mike from torontomic.com and joining me this week is my 10-year-old daughter, Michelle. Hello. Michelle. Hello. Welcome to the Toronto Mike studio. Right around the corner from your older brother's bedroom.

Have you ever been here before? Yes. Hey, I don't know. Have I ever asked you what you think of my opening theme song? It's good. I like it. Do you really? Yeah.

That means a lot to me. I'm really looking forward to this episode. This is my chance to ask you anything I want and to have a heart to heart, one on one and really get to know you. And I can't wait.

Michelle? Yeah. My first question for you is a simple one. We'll start easy. Do you like your name? Do you like the name Michelle? Yeah, I like it. So is it because it's the only name you know? Like, do you wish you had a different name? Or are you truly happy with this name that we gave you? I'm truly happy with this name. Probably, yeah. Do you know the story of, like, how you got your name?

No. Well, your mommy and I had a deal that I could name a boy, if we had a boy, and she could name a girl, if we have a girl. The other had veto power. So if I was, you know, your older brother, I named James. If I wanted to name him like Hercules, she could have put veto on that and said, no, no Hercules. So you were a girl.

Did you know that? Yes. And your mommy picked the name Michelle for you and I said, okay, that's a nice name. It's also Michael in French, I believe. Uh-huh. It's like you don't say

if their name Michael's there, you say Michel, but pretty, yeah. Because you speak French. You speak French. Uh-huh. And do you want to drop a bit of French on me right now? Bonjour, je m'appelle Michel. Qu'est-ce que c'est ton animal préféré? J'aime les singes. Et ma couleur préférée est bleue. Oh, très bien. I don't know color is blue. Oh, very good. I don't know what you said, but it sounded magical. Do you know why I always called you Mishimi?

The rapper? The girl rapper name? Down in Jamaica they got Down in Jamaica they got Down in Jamaica they got Down in Jamaica they got Down in Jamaica they got Down in Jamaica they got Lots of pretty women When all your money and things break your heart

I'm the Jamaican taking charge and living for Jamaica This is Mishimi, Jamaican funk, Canadian style. Big hit. Came out around the time Maestro was big. I'm still working on getting him on the podcast, by the way. And you can think of Maestro as like Drake back in my day. And I loved this. Mishimi was her name.

And when I heard I was having a Michelle, it just naturally became Mishimi to me. And I've been calling you Mishimi since you were born. And this is, have you ever heard this before? No, I have not. So this is the big hit from your namesake, Mishimi's. By the way, I saw Public Enemy recently at the Sound Academy, and Mishimi was brought on stage by Chuck D and dropped a couple of lines, dropped a couple of verses.

The night you were born, we're going back to 2004. It was early in the morning at Women's College Hospital. And the movie Cinderella Man was being filmed. So I've told you this story before. Yeah. And it was surreal because it was like, I don't know, let's say it was like three in the morning. All these old cars, old, old cars.

Yeah, yeah. There's a Simpsons there. And they dressed it up to look like Madison Square Gardens in the 1930s, I think. And the cars and the people had to look like they were from the 1930s. And they filmed it at night, that night. So, like, I don't know, I got stopped because they were filming the scene and I had to watch it. The big lights and seeing Madison Square Gardens there, which was bizarre. And then the cars and the people. So, the night you were born, it became the 1930s. Like, a magical movie happened around me and it was so surreal.

And that movie, what was the name of that movie? Cinderella Man? Yeah, Cinderella Man. You've seen it, right? Yeah. What did you think of it? It was good. I saw it like two years ago, I think.

Probably. And you liked it? Yeah, it was a good movie. I kind of forget now, but i know it's like a boxer was old i mean it was not old i meant that that was like back in time james braddock it's a cool movie and a lot of that movie you remember that uh church in the movie that's at uh annette like near runnymede uh it's called saint cecilia's and it's near run a meet and annette oh yeah they filmed a lot near there as well cool hey what is it like sharing a birthday with your cousin because that day you were born in 2004 later that day that very same day your cousin

was born like at mount sinai well it was irritating when we had to share birthday parties because, you know, the attention wasn't all on me. It wasn't all your day. You had to share it. Yeah. So now that I don't share a party, it's better. It was really irritating. I'll give you five bucks if you stop touching the microphone. Like, I know you want to touch it, but it's going to make noise. By the way, I'm not really giving you five bucks. That was an expression. Now I'm touching it again. Okay, tell me more. So now you get a birthday to yourself,

and your cousin Xander gets his own birthday party. So now you don't mind it. No, I don't mind it at all. Because it's not really like the same day anymore. Sure, it's still the same day, but it doesn't feel like the same day. I get it. How do you get along with your big brother, James?

Um, I get along with him good, but he sort of, like, blocks me out because of his phone and his iPad and his computer and his friends and everything in general. So you want more attention from him? Yeah. And he's now... You want like fights.

Is this a recent thing? Because that phone he's only had for a couple of weeks. Yeah. He got it when he turned 13, right? Yeah. So we should point out your brother is two and a half years older than you, James. Yep. So we should point out your brother is two and a half years older than you, James.

Yep. And so tell me, he used to pay more attention to you, and now he's got other things going on with his friends and stuff? Yeah. Sounds normal. But otherwise... Teenager. You get along well? Yeah, we get along well.

And you love him? No. No, be honest along well. And you love him? No. No, be honest with me. Yeah. I love him. Is there anything you would change about him? Or you just love him for him? I love him for him.

When you were like four years old, I put you in Timbits. Now, this is not donuts, okay? They were called Timbits, but it's like learning to play hockey. And every Saturday, we would go to the rink and you would kind of skate around and they would teach us basic hockey skills

and you would play a little scrimmage at the end of it and it was like, you know, gateway to actual house league hockey. What did you think of the Timbits? Okay, I remember being one of like two only girls and I remember it being fun, but sometimes boring. You just didn't love it.

Okay, so where I'm going with this is, so you did the season of Timbits, and you and I, it was a great time. Every Saturday, we went to the arena. Yeah. We did the Timbits, and you liked being a daddy, hopefully? Yeah. But then when this, you know, it came time to register you for the second year of Timbits, because you were, James, your older brother, did two years of Timbits, and then he went

into House League, and you were supposed to do one more year of Timbits you asked me to do something else you didn't want to do Timbits anymore yeah so why did you refuse to continue with hockey I didn't find it very fun it was kind of boring in general because I didn't really score much and I wasn't very good at it. Terrible reason to quit. That part is, but it was just boring. I didn't find it fun skating back and forth and shooting. I really wanted you to play hockey. Very selfishly, I enjoy watching hockey.

It was your only dream. Today we watched James play a game, right? Yeah. Yeah. I love watching my kids play sports. And I really wanted... Well, you've got Jarvis. Well, we'll get to that. But I wanted to be able to watch you play sports.

But you decided to take yourself out of hockey. And then no matter how many times I begged you, to watch you play sports, but you decided to take yourself out of hockey. And then no matter how many times I begged you, you refused to play t-ball like your older brother. So why did you refuse to play t-ball? I didn't, hey, Michelle, I never said this would be an easy interview. It bored me.

I don't really like... But you like playing catch with me. Yes. So why wouldn't you want to extend that to a team sport? Is it that you hate being on a team? I'm being honest with you. I'm on a dance team. Okay, so you're on a team that dances together.

Mm-hmm. So is it that you just don't like sports? I like sports. I like soccer a lot. Would you play soccer? Yeah. Can I put you in a soccer league this summer? Sure.

Oh, you know I'm recording this. Yeah, I know. So I can register you for soccer this summer and you'll play. I'm not promising anything. No, you just said sure. I said maybe. Like I'm trying to think here. I got to know if I'm going to register you or not.

Give me my time. This is the time you register kids for summer sports. If I register you tomorrow, will you play? Give me a week. You can decide? Yeah. Fine. Wow.

I practically had a commitment and you pulled it. A few years ago, your mommy and I separated. Do you blame me? No. Is that the truth? I swear to tell the truth, and only the truth at all times. Does it make you mad

that we're no longer married? No. Do you wish that we were still together? No. Is that to tell me that you are happy with how things turned out? Well, you know, if you liked each other a little more, then I would have Rather have parents That were always together

Because it's more convenient Yes much more convenient But since you were fighting I'd rather not have you fighting at home Than have you separate I'd rather have you separate So your life is better today Because of that decision I made years ago.

Yeah. And you can be honest with me. Yeah, I am. You don't have to tell me what I want to hear. I want to hear the truth. No, I'm not. How do you get along with your stepmother? Well.

Yeah, good. We get along with your stepmother? Well. Yeah, good. We get along well. I like her. We like the same things. What is that? You're still playing with the microphone. You're not giving me five bucks, though, so whatever. We like baking.

We were almost going to make cookies tonight, but I don't know if we have enough time. Um, I like, we like trashing some TV shows sometimes. Like saying, wow, are you kidding me? They're that dumb. You don't, like, trash me sometimes, do you? No. Never.

So you... Fingers crossed. You get along well with your mom, obviously. Yep. And you get along with your stepmother. Yep. And you get along with your big brother, James. Yep. Do you get along with your dad?

No. Yeah. Of course I do. Why would I agree to do this? I didn't. Well, just a little, a quick little backstory if anyone's listening is that I asked you. Everybody looks far off. Actually, I'll save the backstory for later because I have another question later sort of about what led to this actual episode right now.

Dance. Dance. Dance. Tell me how you got into dance and where you've taken your passion for dance. Okay, so like at the age of like 18 months, we were doing Mommy and Me gymnastics. And up until I was five, I did gymnastics. And once I was five, they asked me to go competitive in gymnastics and that's like five hours or something a week and i was five and i was like still getting over not having a stroller or any of that so actually i probably did have my stroller still

you were in a stroller till five no but i was still getting over it i'm still getting over i loved my stroller okay so when i was five so then i did not go competitive in gymnastics and i didn't want to continue doing the same like it was like the same class but just more years ahead so we would learn bit by bit more and stuff so i went to dance i started when i was like five or six in dance i started with acro jazz and our first dance recital was to the song jungle boogie which when i was five i thought it was the best recital in the world i thought we were so good and now i look back at myself and i think how bad were we like was it really boring and not very good no you were uh good for your age that's the

diplomatic reply it was good for your age okay up into two years ago i did, yeah, not this year. No. A year ago I did two dances for the first time. I used to just do one hour of dance a week. Then I did two hours of dance a week. I did hip hop with a bunch of friends from school. And I did acro with my older friend from far back time. Okay.

And then... You can name drop her if you want. Okay. With my friend Abby, who goes to a new school now since like grade one. But we're still like really close and stuff. And then... Do you think she'll listen to this episode? No.

I don't even think she knows what a podcast is. But... So then once I did that, they both recommended, both of my dance teachers recommended me to go to competitive. So then I did a camp with Addie because she joined in the camp. And we both tried out for competitive. And we both got in. And since this year, I've been doing competitive which i do lyrical

jazz ballet stretch and strengths and that's five hours a week do you enjoy this yes or else i wouldn't be you know because it's eating into your potential uh house league hockey time Leading into your potential host league hockey time. Yeah, it really is. But I got over it. So do you want to dance your life forever? Do you want to continue? Yeah, for a while. I would like to continue for a long time.

Okay. Does anyone not, serious question, does anyone not make competitive? Why do I feel like if your check clears, you're in competitive? Okay, I'll tell you this. I have two friends who have not made it

into competitive who have tried out. So they tried out and they were willing to pay. Yeah. But they were told you're not good enough. Yeah.

Okay. Two people. That answers my question. Okay. One, Ella. Oh, you don't have the name drop. Those poor people.

I know, but I'm just like, I'm just letting it flow, you know? I know. I just don't want to shame them that they didn't make competitive. They don't know. name drop those poor people. I know, but I'm just letting it flow, you know? I know. I just don't want to shame them that they didn't make competitive. They don't know. Nobody knows about that.

What was... Here, what do I have here? What was your first concert? Selena Gomez. Two years ago. I thought it was a pretty good show. I went thinking... It was intense.

Is it what you thought concerts would be like? Yes. Because I've seen so many, like, movies with concerts in them. Oh, yeah. I always expected it. I gotcha.

Do you... Did you think I would enjoy it as much as I did? Or did you think I would hate it and just be there, like, essentially to be your chaperone? Actually, at the beginning, I thought that you would, like, when I just pitched the idea randomly, saying, like, oh, dad, I want to go to the Slita Gomez concert. It's happening in, like, August or something.

And then when I pitched the idea, I thought you would just, like, keep pretending to forget and not, like, tell me and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm the idea I thought you would just like keep pretending to forget and not like tell me and be like yeah yeah yeah oh I'm sorry I forgot I think it's sold out or something like that but you got right on it at the very beginning no I was that's the first time I don't think you've done it since it's the only time I think you've ever

come to me and said you wanted to see a concert like I don't know how to say no to that well that's like cause I don't really look for concerts anywhere, but this was on Family Channel. They marketed in the right place. Yes, I was like, oh yeah, Selena Gomez. So that was your

first concert. By the way, if you ever want to see another one, you know the trick. You just gotta ask, right? And you've been to a TFC match. We went to our first TFC match at BMO Field. It was so cold. It was cold, but we got toques.

We got toques. Yeah, but my hands froze and my body was freezing because it was like... Was it November? It was... No, I think it was like... Yeah, somewhere close to November.

Well, we biked there, so it wasn't... No, I think it was like October. Okay. I don't... It was cold. It was cold. It's on the lake.

That's why it's a blow from the lake. It was really, really cold. But my point is, you've been to a TFC match now. Yeah, and. It's on the lake. That's why it's below from the lake. It was really, really cold. But my point is you've been to a TFC match now. Yeah, we were in like the fan area so there was all this like screaming.

Supporter section, we should give a shout out to Elvis because they're his tickets. Hashtag Elvis. Is that what kids are doing? Can I tell a funny story about the time

I was in the car telling you and James about how Elvis died on the toilet of a heart attack? Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm telling you this story and you guys are like, you can't believe this story. And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, he was like four in his forties and, uh, he had a heart attack and then he went to the toilet. Cause sometimes people are having a heart attack, think they have to go to the washroom and they sit down and then they have the big one and they're done.

And you guys thought I was talking about my friend Elvis. Yeah, Perry. You're talking about like an Elvis Perry guy. Yeah. Way to out him. But yeah, but that was kind of funny because mistaken identity with somebody else. Okay, so that was the

TFC match. And then we've been to a couple of Raptors games. Do you remember your first Raptors game? That was like three. But do you remember who you went to see? Steve Nash. Yep, I felt that you should see Steve Nash. Well, the funny thing is, he's still technically... I mean, he's not playing this year because he's injured,

but he was playing last year. I thought, this is a while ago, and I thought that you better see this guy while he's still playing. Like seven years ago. Because he's the greatest Canadian to play the game. So we go off and see the Suns and Steve Nash. I still remember the half show. It was a magic show.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Do you remember your most recent Raptor game? Yeah. By the way, those were the tickets I got for... So, Ross... Oh. your most recent Raptor game? Yeah. Anything? By the way, those were the tickets I got for... So Ross...

Oh. I was going to say, those are the tickets I got for my buddy Mike Kick. Here? Yeah, but he couldn't make it. He wasn't up to it. And then you

were nice enough to step in and be my date. I was like, you know what? If he can't come, I'd be great. And what happened that day

that doesn't normally happen at Raptor games? Okay, so my buddy here, Ross. Oh, T. Ross. Terrence Ross. He scored 51 points, which is like a record. Ties the franchise record for points in a game. I was at the previous game that was 51 points,

which was Vince Carter, and I was at that game. I'm going to give a shout out to my buddy Lawrence out somewhere. And what's the inside joke there? Well, at the very beginning, I thought one of the players on the Raptors, Lowry, was named Lawrence. So I called him Lawrence for like five months. Then I finally realized it was Lowry. So I still call him Lawrence to this day.

Yeah, that's our inside joke. And all this is to say that the only big team, because you've been to Marley's games, obviously, but the only big team in the city you haven't seen live is the Toronto Maple Leafs, and what development is there on that front? Speaking of Toronto Maple Leafs, what did you ask me?

Is there any developments on this front? Do you think you're ever going to get to a Leafs game? I am going March 31st, and I am going March 31st. And I am going to see against the Tampa Bay Lightning. Do you think I, when I get tickets, which is not that often, but when I get tickets, do you think I divvy them up fairly between you and James?

Yep. Because James has been to like, how many Leafs games has he been to? One? He went to one because he was a Timbit plane at the intermission. And then he went to one because I had a box seat for him from Coca-Cola. He's been to two. James has been to two and I've been to one. So you did not divide them well. Well, yeah, but he's two and a half years older than you.

Just saying. So it does get weighted a bit heavily on his side. But my point is you've both been to like, now you've both been to pretty much, you've been to everything. I try to keep it pretty straight. I haven't been to the game yet. So do you think I divvy up the seats fairly between you and James? Yeah, pretty well.

Pretty good. Do you think I treat you and James equally? Yes, I do. How is school going? Good. Do you enjoy school? Not really. But who does? What do you not you enjoy school? Not really. But who does?

What do you not like about school? Boring, and we have so many projects with our new teacher. So it's just lots of work. Uh-huh. Do you get good grades? Yep. And you're in French and English, right? We don't do the half day yet.

So is it all French? Well, sure, we do English. So is it all French? Well sure we do English But um We're supposed to in grade 5 You're supposed to start half the day French Half the day English But we only have one teacher

Is your one teacher French? She does English too But she doesn't really half the day up We do usually more French which kind of sucks But if I was in Madame Elkerton's class But she's doing grade 6's right now But if I was in Madame Elkerton's class, but she's doing grade sixes right now, but if I was in her class, I would be in the morning, I'd be with her, and then in the afternoon I'd be with Babby, which is an English teacher. Have you ever been bullied?

No. I am the most popular person in the world. So you've never been bullied? No. And you're not a bully? You could say that, but I do come home with four lunches. You're funny. Okay, so you've never been bullied. Good.

Because I hear that's like a big thing these days, kids getting bullied in school. But you've never been bullied? No. I'm happy to hear that. Do you like, I'm going to say, do you like boys? But I really mean, you could say you like girls, but do you like that I'm going to say do you like boys, but I really mean, you could say you like girls, but do you like

that way, anybody? No. So you're still, because you're in grade five, right? Yeah. I ask because I started liking girls when I was in grade four. Daddy was just a young pup. And I'm just curious. There's no timetable here.

Not a lot of kids in our class like anyone. Last year, when you were writing your speech for your class, I got to see the speech and then I added in some jokes. Yes, it was about what dance means to me and I did a lot about dance. That was an okay speech, but this year. Okay, yeah, that's my point. This year. Okay, but last year when I helped you with okay speech, but this year. Okay, yeah, that's my point. This year. Yeah? This year. Okay, but last year when I helped you with the speech

by giving you some jokes that you used, you did not place. Like you didn't come in top three. I didn't come in the top five. Right. Or three. This year when you wrote your speech and didn't let me add my joke.

Didn't consult him at all. Like you didn't let me add my jokes. Because you like to take it over. No, I don't. I just sprinkle in some jokes. You kind of go over it. I don't like it. The bottom line is you did place this year.

You were top three. I was third place. The lesson we learned is that you do better in your speeches if you just keep me away from it. I did this one all on my own. I'm going to bring it out. You should be proud. I really am. Out of 32 kids i was third

let's talk about jarvis for a minute oh that little rascal what's it like having uh a baby brother one word and one word only slobbery. Yesterday night... Is that a word? Yeah, I think so. Maybe, slobbery. I did... Yesterday night, I caught you reading a book to him

and feeding him milk and putting him to bed. Like, a nurturing, loving sister. So, there must be more than just slobbery. No, I was just saying that that's like his one

like bad part, but he's cute when he's clean. I like him a lot. Do you love him? Yeah. Are you glad you have another brother? Yeah.

What's it like having a sibling who has a different mommy? It doesn't faze me. I don't really second think it. You used to have a podcast called She's So Young. Why did you stop making new episodes? Because you did this a lot when you were eight years old. It's been a couple of years since you've been doing this. And what happened was the other day I was talking to you and I said, Michelle. I got kind of lazy.

I was like, you know, what's the point? Does everybody like hearing about me? Am I like. Yeah, but the nice thing is who cares? It's not like if you don't have anyone who cares about the episode, you don't get your paycheck. Like it's just a practice, like a labor of love. It's not. It doesn't matter if you have a million people listening

or one person listening. It doesn't matter. That's true, but I don't know. I kind of got lazy about doing it. You were like, Michelle, you want to go down for one? And I'm like, yeah, but I'm watching TV. And that's how we got to this point because last, I don't know, last week I said

or maybe earlier this week, I said Michelle, what if you did another episode of She's So Young? Because I thought it was a very good podcast and there's not a lot of eight-year-old... Yeah, but I have to come up with like questions. Yeah, you do. Just like I've come up with questions for this episode. But you said to me

and you said to me, I will not, I don't want to do an episode of my podcast, you said, but I want to do an episode of your podcast. Because you can take control. I just have to follow along. So you agreed.

But I was expecting more questions like, what's your favorite color? Right. What's your favorite food? And I don't want to... Butter chicken and blue. Just putting it out there. You thought this would be like a softball,

silly little thing, and then I'm coming up with real questions. Yeah. I take this very seriously. This is episode 109, okay? Should have been 110. Well, there's no 110. Okay, whatever.

Will you ever do another episode of She's So Young? I'm going to be like, say it by the bell, and do one in like I'm going to be like Saved by the Bell and do like one in like four years and be like, we're back, baby, but we're only doing one little 10-minute thing. So when you're 14. Yeah, let's go for that.

And that's your reference to Jimmy Fallon reuniting the cast of Saved by the Bell. Yeah. Which you never knew. You never saw Saved by the Bell. I know, but I've seen a lot of clips. Yeah, right. If you could change one thing about your life, what would you change?

Where's Lisa? Sorry. If you could change one thing about your life, what would you change? I feel like the Philippines in our Miss Universe clips we were watching. There's no mistakes I've ever made. I'm perfect.

What are your dreams? I want to be a lawyer because I like debating against stuff. Oh, yeah. I like going back and forth like, are you kidding me? Have you seen these files yet? What's that show Mommy and Monica watch?

The Good Wife. The Good Wife. Sort of like that? Sure, why not? Let's go for it. Except it's not going to be as dramatic. Do you know how much I love you and how incredibly proud of you I am?

Yeah, I know this. You only mentioned it three or four thousand times. So there's no doubt in your mind that your daddy loves you. No doubt. And there's no doubt in your mind that your daddy is very proud of you. Isn't No Doubt like an artist? Yeah, of course. It's a band.

Gwen Stefani's old band. Oh, okay. So let's go back and say. Gwen Stefani's old band. Oh, okay. So let's go back and say. You would like No Doubt. You might have heard Just a Girl. I'm just a girl in this world. I know. She's just a girl and she's on fire.

That's a different song. That's a little cheesy. Sorry. Final question. Okay. Are you happy? Yes. That makes me happy.

Any final thoughts you want to share with everybody? Hashtag Toronto Mike. Is this how kids are talking? hashtag i hate it am i allowed to hate it or does that make me like an old fuddy-duddy that makes you oh my gosh my stepdad thinks he's cool oh oh that's another inside joke uh jimmy fallon right you like jimmy fallon stuff on youtube look it up no one was ever sharing jay lon stuff on YouTube. Is that right? Look it up. No one was ever sharing Jay Leno stuff on YouTube. This Jimmy Fallon figured out how to go viral with stuff. I see his stuff going viral all the time. His stuff's everywhere.

Like the Alphabet Erotic by Daniel Radcliffe with Jimmy Fallon. Look it up. He's Harry Potter. Yes. What's your favorite? I was about to say, Luke, I am your father. But that him. He's Harry Potter. Yes. What's your favorite? I was about to say, Luke, I am your father, but that's the wrong, you know.

Sorry. Awkward. And that brings us to the end of our 109th show. You can follow me on Twitter at Toronto Mike and Michelle at Popcorn Mish.

That's the worst name ever. You picked it. No you said you want something like popcorn and I was like I don't care just give me a name. This is my fault.

It's a horrible name. You can change it you know. You can change your username? I'm pretty sure. Mindflow. And you guys know what

I'll be doing in 10 minutes. See you all next week. I love you, Mishimi. I love you too, Mishimi. Ah, ah, ah. Gotcha. We've been under my skin for more than eight years.

It's been eight years of laughter and eight years of tears And I don't know what the future can hold or do For me and you But I'm a much better man