Toronto Mike'd: The Official Toronto Mike Podcast - Your Blog Sucks #7

Episode Date: October 2, 2013

Mike and Elvis discuss what sucks this 7th week.

And now, it's time for Your Blog Sucks. Welcome to Your Blog Sucks. I'm Mike from TorontoMike.com. Joining me is my brother from another mother, Elvis. Episode 7 begins now. Episode 7 begins now. Episode 7 begins now. I never thought I would enjoy hearing Howard's voice as much as I just did. It's really nice to hear his voice. You know, Elvis, I just had a recording of my other podcast with Rosie yesterday

and we talked about her one month absence. She worked Tiff some top secret assignment and she disappeared for a month. And I was, you know, let me know where I kind of stand in the realm of things. Like she took a month off of Toronto Mic'd. How long has it been since we recorded Your Blog Sucks? Probably the end of July, I guess. Right? Sometime the end of July. So the gap between episodes six and seven is like, what is that, three months? Two and a half at least, yeah. Probably, say, ten weeks.

That's a long time, man. It's too long, brother. So let me ask you the question I get asked every day. Every time I meet somebody, they ask me this question. Where the hell has Elvis been? Where haven't I been? I was working, and a lot of my work this summer took me out of the country. So I was a week in San Diego, and then I did three weeks in Singapore. And since I returned just before, I returned Labor Day weekend. And since then, I've been in New York and Montreal. And it's been a pretty, pretty crazy schedule for me over the last few weeks, a few months. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. So I think November

is when things settle down for me again. Well, we're going to record today, episode seven, and then I disappear for two weeks. Asshole. Yeah. And then hopefully we can coordinate the schedules and do episode eight when I return. I'm glad you returned from Singapore just in time to help me move. I really appreciate that. Yeah, I should have said that that's what sucks actually

so that's not on your list it's not on my list but i'm kind of disappointed i've erased that memory from my uh brain i was looking forward to it so my bad elvis you know what sucks what sucks mike when your 11 year old son asks you dad what's jizz okay does he actually use the word jizz yeah let me explain may i explain jizz as long as he learned the word jizz at how old 10 years he learned the word jizz from uh this is the end the seth rogan what the hell is he doing watching that movie that's another episode it's like rated r isn't it yeah but it was it was funny and and some of it was he watched it with you so he watched it with me you're an idiot that doesn't suck then you brought this you know he's a mature 11 year old right sure and all of it was funny and silly and he enjoyed michael cera and getting stabbed and all the things going

on or whatever and then uh days later we were alone chatting and he said to me, Dad, what's jizz? And how do you answer this question? I told him what jizz was. Okay. I've heard somebody else talk about this on the radio recently because they had a similar type of conversation. Did you stop at the fact that jizz is semen that is produced by your testicles? Did you stop there, or did you then go on and explain how you then shoot that into someone? No, I stopped there.

So I explained semen and I explained that sperm is in semen and I explained that when you finish puberty, by the time you finish puberty, you'll understand more about that reference. Because he's halfway through puberty, so he's got a bunch of the stuff going on. Halfway? You're nuts.

You should see his nuts. It's not just about size, dude. Boys aren't going to finish puberty until they're early 20s. I'm not a doctor. Maybe he's not halfway through. There are definite things happening everywhere, but that hasn't happened yet, apparently. Do you use the anatomically correct terms? Yes, I do. but that hasn't happened yet apparently. So there's no like...

Do you use the anatomically correct terms? Yes, I do. I said sperm and semen and I called it penis. Testicles? I called it, I might have called it balls, but just to add some levity to the conversation. Not sack? But it was definitely, no, I told him the truth.

I didn't go into details that we didn't talk about. You know, you insert the, you know, we didn't talk about it. Right, okay. I think that's a good point to stop. So let me tell you this. Tell me. I think it is a good thing that you explained. I think it's a good thing that he asked the question.

I think it's good that you stopped at the point where you didn't have to go into what you then do with your quote-unquote jizz. And I think that's a very good conversation to have have you seen this at the end i have not it's on my list okay because there is a scene in hindsight yeah this scene i guess they were partly improv i'm sure between these buddies okay well they do talk about the buckets and buckets of jizz okay it's a very why don't you make them listen to that louis ck bit about bags of dicks while you're at it? I would have no problem with them watching that. Bags of dicks. You know what sucks?

What sucks, Elvis? Booze in Singapore. Booze in Singapore. Sounds like the name of a band. Yeah, exactly. So I was in Singapore for three weeks. I was there on business. And I found out a couple of things that are very interesting about Singapore.

First of all, a lot of people call singapore asia light um because it is very westernized a lot of times when you're in singapore you don't even realize that you're in asia it could very well be toronto new york any westernized city um because there is it's it's very much a a place where a lot of expats are and you know it built up, obviously, and there's not a lot of the traditional things that you see in other Asian countries that they neighbor. So it's like a gateway drug to the true Asia. Correct. It actually is a great gateway because once you're there, then it's very, very cheap to fly anywhere else in the region, and that's what I did. But one thing that the government tries to do is socially engineer their own people.

One thing that the government tries to do is socially engineer their own people. For instance, if you have a Singaporean passport and you want to go gamble at the casino, you need to pay an entry fee of $100. Whereas if you have any other passport other than a Singaporean, you get to go in for free. Wow. And the idea is to ensure that their people don't become heavy degenerate gamblers. As well, the way in which they control the car population on the island. You have to buy a license to actually have the right to purchase a car. So the cheapest automobile in Singapore costs you about $120,000. Wow. Yeah, minimum. But they also do the same thing with booze. They artificially inflate the price of booze. If you want a beer, you're paying at least $8, generally speaking, probably closer to $15 to $18.

It sounds like a deal from the guy who buys you a beer at each TFC match. It is unbelievable. If you want to go out after work with a couple of buddies and have a few beers, your bill, if you buy a round, your bill is, is going to be a hundred bucks. It's mental. It is unbelievable. It is so brutal. People there that are from Australia,

it is cheaper for them to buy Australian wine in Australia, pay the shipping cost and pay the $7 a bottle duty to bring it into the country than it is to buy the same shitty wine in Singapore. That's amazing. You'd think your Canadian passport would give you a discount on that. It's such a sticker shock. When you go to Singapore,

you've got to have a Singapore sling, right? So I went to the home of the Singapore sling, $31 fucking dollars. I have to plead ignorance. What's a Singapore sling? It's a really crappy, shitty, fruity drink. I don't really know anyone who likes it, male or female. But you've got to try a Singapore sling? It's a really crappy, shitty, fruity drink. I don't really know anyone who likes it, male or female. But you know, you got to try a Singapore sling when you're in Singapore.

$31. Wow. Unbelievable. That is TFC prices. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It sucks. Well, you know what else sucks? What sucks, Mike?

Taking advantage of the mentally challenged amongst us. I was reading an article, I think about a week ago, about a 27-year-old woman with Down syndrome who was sold over $1,600 worth of face cream at a mall kiosk. So essentially, I don't know if they work on commissions or what, but somebody took full advantage of of you know somebody with down syndrome who uh was out there and and sold her 1600 bucks worth of facial cream did she need it no come on no one needs 1600 it's clearly uh taking advantage of a vulnerable person in our society and i think that totally sucks now i i will say this now, I'm generally agreeing with you, 95% agreeing with you. But there's a lot of, you know, folks who just because they have Down syndrome doesn't mean that they're not

functional and they're fully functional and they're, you know, they can take care of themselves, essentially. And maybe for whatever reason, they needed to buy this much face cream. But you're right. There's probably more to the story that suggests that they just got duped. Yeah, it sounds like this person was taken advantage of and I don't want any mentally challenged person, you or anyone else to be taken advantage of. Not on my watch. I appreciate that.

You know, I'm really thankful for you to reach out to the community like you are and put me on the air. That's very nice of you. I'm an equal opportunity offender. Where was this by the way? Sorry. You know, it's Ontario. I want to say Hamilton, but I don't want to, it's somewhere in that area. Another reason not to go to Hamilton. Uh, you know what else sucks other than Hamilton, Mike? What sucks Elvis? United Airlines. Let me, let me fill you in. So in so I again I travel a lot and my airline

of choice is Air Canada and if it's not Air Canada then it's one of the Star Alliance partners because I'm a self-admitted points whore and and obviously traveling as much as I do a benefit that I get out of that is is being able to collect points and use that for vacations for you know my family and you know whatever else it is that I can use the points for. Anyway, I today have to fly to Tampa. And unfortunately for me, the only airline that I can take today is United Airlines, and I have to connect. So I try to check in like I normally do online because it serves well to check in early,

get a better choice of seats etc etc i have never once been able to check in online for united airlines and it drives me up the wall they want my reservation number i give them everything i have i can't check in online and it's so annoying because i'm going to go to the airport today and i'm going to check in write it with the person at the desk which i don't really want to do anyway right and they're going to sit me at the back of the plane and i'm going to lose my. And they're going to sit me at the back of the plane. And I'm going to lose my shit because I don't want to sit at the back of the plane. I have privilege to not sit at the back of the plane and yet I get shafted by United all the time.

I know this is first world problems. Boohoo. I don't play that that's a first world problem card. All problems are worthy of discussion and your blog sucks. Right. There was someone who you know what and fine it is a problem so fuck you guys if you think that it's you know louis ck would do a great

bit about this totally i'm so would jerry seinfeld they everyone would he's in the back of the plane this machine that's gonna fly you to tampa in an hour however louis and i are similar because i have also thought about how nice it wouldn't be for me to give up my first class seat to somebody who was old or a young kid or someone who was in the military. And it makes me feel good that I thought about it. But have I ever done it? No, no, I've never done it. It makes me feel good to think about it. But I'm not giving up that first class seat.

And how long are you in Tampa for? I'm only there for two nights, which sucks. There's one more night than I want to be there, but flights don't allow me to come back early. Do you ever get a week, uh, to stay at home? It's been a while. It's been a while since I've been home. And you like this, this is what you want in your life at this advanced age. This is what you're looking for. You know, do I like this so much? Uh, you know, given my choice, I probably would not want to travel as much as I do, but I know that it's good for my career at the moment. There's some reward personally for this as well, being able to take my kids to Disney World once a year without really having to pay much of anything. So there's some benefit to it.

But yeah, given the ability to never have to work and stay home with my kids all the time, that would be my choice. You know what sucks, Elvis? What sucks, Mike? I was at a wedding in Edmonton. I think we're going back a month now. We haven't recorded in so long. I've lost track of timelines, but I think about a month ago, Monica's brother got married

in Edmonton. So we flew to Calgary, actually, and then we drove to Edmonton. And Monica's brother married a woman of Chinese descent. And there's a tradition in Chinese weddings. I've never been to one, but apparently they have this tea ceremony where all married couples participate in this tea ceremony. So what completely sucked is that the only married couple that was not invited to participate in this tea ceremony was Monica and I. Really?

Yeah. So this is, I'm telling you, every married couple was in this tea ceremony and I wasn't even there because they didn't tell me it was happening. So I can't even tell you what this entailed. Except Monica was going to drop by for some photos, and I was going to walk the downtown core of Edmonton,

which is rather small, but I wanted to experience Edmonton in all its glory, and that's not an oxymoron. But it turns out that this tea ceremony took place every single married couple, except the newlyweds that came all the way from Toronto. Burn. Yeah. Hardcore.

Major burn. Hardcore slight. Looks like that wedding speech is going to be causing waves for many years to come, my friend. I don't think it's even the wedding speech anymore. I think that it's been deleted. It's not deleted. I can guarantee you it's been deleted from the... It's been deleted. It's not deleted. I can guarantee you it's not deleted. The wedding has been deleted,

not the speech. Yeah, exactly. It's not deleted. Trust me. I recently found out that two of my neighbors, there's basically five or six families where we all sort of... We all live in the same house, right? We all live in the same house and all of our our kids play with each other out in the in the in the street

and stuff uh in between traffic and um a couple of the neighbors right now are having a little bit of a tiff and i found out that one of the neighbors is bringing up things that happened like three four years ago that they didn't even confront the neighbors about initially. Right, like they're passive-aggressively throwing. Yes, so now that there is some sort of a minor conflict, they're bringing all of this additional baggage out, and the other neighbor is like, what are you talking about? I didn't even know that this was an issue back then,

let alone now. So I can guarantee you that this wedding, speech, everything is not forgotten. They may not mention it, but... Well, the slight was obvious. It wasn't, oh, we forgot about you guys. It was, we purposely forgot about you guys. You should have told me.

I would have brought over some fucking tea today. We could have had our own little tea ceremony. You know what? I want to Google what a tea ceremony is. If any listeners of Chinese descent want to tell me what I missed, like if I missed something really awesome and cool, I'm going to start getting pissed about this. I'm pretty sure you didn't miss anything.

So far, I've been kind of relieved I was missed on this one, but what if it was awesome? We can have an espresso party. How about that? I'll bring over some fucking cannolis and espresso. You've been watching too much Sopranos. Oh, you know, I'm off topic. I'm going to Italy.

I know. I hate you for that. That also sucks. I didn't want to say that, but it sucks i i really like uh obviously i'm joking i think you'll have a great time and and uh that comment comes out of jealousy but i love italy i've been there a few times and uh you'll really enjoy that like forget about this fucking diet that you're on where you're like becoming anorexic do you know how much pizza i consume in a week? You got to eat the cold cuts, like the prosciutto and the salami and the cheese and the wine. It's going to be fun.

I'm looking forward to it. But back to the tea ceremony. I just find it almost amusing now to observe how obvious the slights have become. You should take a picture of you and Monica having your own little tea ceremony and email it to them and say, fuck you, you weren't invited to ours either. Done.

All right. It's a great idea. You know what sucks, Mike? What sucks, Elvis? All right, I have to tell you, if you're listening to this podcast and you're offended by curse words, this is a time where you maybe want to

take out your earbuds or or not listen yeah not the jizz talk this is it right right david fucking clarkson of the toronto maple leafs is a fucking idiot i hate him with a passion he's a fucking idiot i really really hate him i despise him now i will tell you that i don't actually know him i've never met him i don't know anyone who knows him and funny enough is I'm doing more work with the NHL alumni with work. And there is the possibility that somewhere down the road I may actually get to meet him. You know, he listens to this podcast. I fucking hate him.

And here's why I hate him. First of all, I hate him for reasons that aren't really his fault. Essentially, he's a guy that we acquired. that aren't really his fault. Essentially, he's a guy that we acquired. And in order to acquire him and sign him to a ridiculous contract, we had to get rid of one of my one of the players I think is a solid contributor for the Leafs. And that's Mikhail Gorbatsky. So he is the reason for us losing one of the players that I think is a solid player on our team. Secondly, he then decides in the preseason, it would be a good idea to get involved in a fight when he's not on our team. Secondly, he then decides in the preseason, it would be a good idea to get involved in a fight when he's not on the ice. And for those of you who don't understand or don't

appreciate hockey, if you jump over the boards from the bench onto the ice, when you're not actually in the game, you get an automatic 10 game suspension. So this goof who's getting paid a gazillion dollars, which is not his fault, right? That's good for him. All the money you can get is better for him and his family but he starts off the season not being able to play for 10 games because he's an idiot and the guy that we lose in order to sign him scores a hat trick last night in the first game of the regular season uh i fucking hate this guy i hate leaf management for getting rid of grabowski i I just fucking hate this guy. I hate, hate, hate him. Okay, touch your nose when I can come in. Go. Okay.

I hate him. Give your head a shake. Give your head a shake because David Clarkson is precisely the type of player guys like you and I can get behind and enjoy. He can score a goal. He is tough as nails. And he's not afraid to drop the gloves and stand up for his teammates. That coming off the bench, that maneuver where he came off the bench was stupid because it cost him 10 games.

It was a stupid, boneheaded play. His interview afterwards, his quote was, he thought with his heart, not with his head. He won't make that mistake twice. That was stupid. But all things being equal, Clarkson is better than Grabowski. So far, he's not because he's so far he's an example size is embarrassingly small much like your penis that is hey all right now we're

now we're going to insults i don't know where that came from it's the pre-season man his heart how is his heart even in the pre-season at? It's ridiculous. He's got one gear, and it's full blast. Listen, Clarkson will win you over. You've got to give him some time. Obviously, he's got to play some games and give him some time. Grabowski, yeah, he got a hat trick, his first career hat trick in a losing cause yesterday. I didn't see the game. I heard about it on the radio coming home from my game, and I was surprised.

Oh, Grabowski got a hat trick. Wow. But first of all, don't just blame Clarkson for Grabowski going. We had to sign Bozak to that. I think Bozak might be more the reason we lost Grabowski, to be honest. But I don't think it's fair to hate Clarkson because he makes one stupid mistake. When he makes two different mistakes, we'll talk. He made a stupid mistake.

It cost him 10 games. It's a big fucking mistake. He is a player that you're going to enjoy having wearing the blue and white i promise and he's an upgrade over grabowski without a doubt no without a doubt not at all if anything he's the same he's going to produce the same amount of points what are you talking about points there's he's going to score 30 goals every season is that what's going to happen it's not going to happen if you're just going to compare has he done before one time the full facet of his game, Clarkson,

and I don't think very many people would disagree, Clarkson is a better player than Grabowski. He commands more money on the open market and far more teams would be interested in his services. I think one team was interested in Grabowski's services and that's where he went. Clarkson had many, many teams who would have loved to have him in their uniform. I disagree.

Here's some stats on your on your boyfriend there he scored 30 goals once and that was in 2011 2012 right so last not regular season yeah correct uh the other goal totals that he has if you eliminate last year's season 12 11 17 9 3 are you going in order there? I'm going from, from, from, uh, most recent to the past,

but he's, he's a 15 goal scorer. He had one breakout season and, uh, you know, he's a guy that nobody wants to play against. He's one of those guys that intimidates the opposition and nobody wants to play against.

And I think, I think he's good. I don't know if the 10 games lost, but he's good for 30 goals. That will very much be the, that very much may be the case that no one wants to play against him but i don't want him playing for my fucking you know grobovsky is just a shade better than sergey barrazin you've got him i think did he ever give you like a handy jay one day or uh what i like him i i know you do like the way you have a soft you're like rosalie with alexi ponikarovsky

she's got the soft spot for Pony. Compare him to Mark Messier. I think you need to get your Grabowski love in perspective that maybe this is an Elvis thing. No. David Clarkson's a fucking retard. Sorry, I shouldn't use that word. David Clarkson's a fucking retard. Especially when I stood up for the mentally challenged

buying facial cream. Maybe he should be buying some face cream. He can afford $1,600 worth of face cream. David Clarkson, don't ever come on the podcast. David, you're always welcome on the podcast. I'll just kick Elvis out. Fuck you, David. You know what else sucks, Elvis?

Fuck you, David. You know what sucks? Fuck you too, Mike. What sucks? When your boss discovers your blog sucks podcast. So I work for a gentleman. He's Toronto. My company is all over the world.

Do you work for David Clarkson? I work for David Clarkson. So my boss lives in Toronto, the East End. And we're now in the West End. But we're both Toronto based. You thought he wouldn't get the internet on the East End? I never talked to him about this stuff. He knows a bit, but I never told him about the podcast.

There's nothing on this podcast he can't hear. Does he know about your blog and that it sucks? Yeah, he does. All right, so then he would know about your podcast. As you know, you don't go 11 years blogging without some basic rules. And my number one rule is never blog or podcast about work. I agree. And I never have.

I've never written a stitch about my 9 to 5 ever. Believe it or not. And like 12,000 entries. I can vouch for that. One day I was on a Skype call with him. And he said he was listening to you and I talking about removing God from the National Anthem. Yeah, fuck that. And now they want to change the national anthem to be General New York.

Which I'm fine with that too. You know why? Because it's going back to the original theme. Dude, Preaching to Choir. I would love to start a movement where we restore the national anthem. I don't even like singing that song anymore with the God part. Why can't we restore this thing? Anyway, that's another episode.

That's episode six. We've done that. this thing. Anyway, that's another episode. That's episode six. Okay. So my boss, who I quite like and respect, listens to the words I say on this podcast. And the reason that sucks is because that's a wealth of content that I can never even consider exploring now. I could do episodes about work things, and now that's completely off the table, even though it was already off the table due to my rule. Now it is definitely off the table because his ears will absorb. So you work in the internet world, right? That's I'm a digital marketing manager. Right. Okay. So for the purposes of this podcast, let's just say you work for Jeff Zuckerberg.

For the purposes of this podcast, let's just say you work for Jeff Zuckerberg. Yes, I do. That is my boss. Jeff Zuckerberg, if you are listening to this podcast, I'm very excited to hear that you have the internet on the East End. And thank you for listening. I appreciate it. Please tell all of your friends. And anytime I complain about work, it absolutely has nothing to do.

It's always about United Airlines. It's not a thinly veiled sort of swipe at the organization that Jeff Zuckerberg works for. We have, we're not switching places. I just want to make that clear. And I really hope that you think David Clarkson sucks as well. You know, I think he's a big Clarkson fan. Fuck him. You know, I heard the Toronto Sun called him. Fuck Zuckerberg and your friend and your, and David Clarkson. Toronto Sun called him. Fuck Zuckerberg and David Clarkson.

Toronto Sun called him Wendell Clarkson. Yes. It's ridiculous. And he wears 71, which is, of course, 17 inverted. He's just, I hate him. All of it is just ridiculous. You're not Wendell Clark, man. You're not Wendell Clark.

I actually think I like him as much as you dislike him. It'll be very interesting to see how this season progresses with david clarkson and we can come back to this yeah i can't wait to come back to this this is going to be amazing where i'm going to be able to say in your face he sucks really quickly because i'm really passionate about this did i tell you i made a 50 bet with my brother ryan i bet that the jays would not make the playoffs i do remember that you've uh you've blogged about this. And he paid up. After the final game of the season, he should have paid up when we were mathematically eliminated.

I would agree with that. But he paid up after the season was ended. And I gave him an option to go double or nothing on next season, and he declined. He wanted to cut his losses. Good for him. Which brother was this? Ryan.

Ryan. Good for you, Ryan, for not taking that double or nothing back because you would have lost that too. But I would have kept, he doesn't, I told him I would keep rolling it until. What are you, the mafia? Until it hits zero. You know what, we'll go double or nothing, but I'm going to charge you interest on the principal starting at the end of the season. No, it would be a favor to him. I would just keep going double or nothing every season until we finally do make the playoffs, which isn't eventually. Every team will make the playoffs. Only one team's gone longer, by the way, the Kansas City Royals.

Well, you know, if the Pittsburgh Pirates can make the playoffs, then the Jays can make the playoffs. That is true. And they hadn't won a playoff game since 1992. Right, and they won one last night to make it into the real playoffs as opposed to just the playoffs. You know, that sucks. Actually, maybe we should save it, but that sucks.

I miss the days where you had to win your damn division to get the playoffs. I like the expanded playoffs. I think it's exciting. It's only exciting if we're in a running, which we're never in the running anyway. So what are you, a Toronto Blue Jays fan, not a baseball fan? Come on. Don't be a stereotypical Toronto fan. Exactly.

You know what sucks? Actually, Elvis, it's been too long. You know what sucks? Youvis it's been too long you know it sucks you you fucked it up thanks for listening you know what else sucks mike what david clarkson and your blog david clarkson and your blogs suck. Come on. Will I ever learn? Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.