Tosh Show - Election/Olympics Edition - Emergency Pod

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

Daniel returns from being off the grid with some fresh takes on stale news stories about everything from Trump getting shot and Biden dropping out to the Paris Olympics in Teahupo’o Tahiti.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The podium is back with fresh angles and deep dives into Olympic and Paralympic stories you know and those you'll be hard pressed to forget. I did something in 88 that hasn't been beaten. Oh gosh the U.S. Olympic trials is the hardest and most competitive meet in the world. We are athletes, we're going out there smashing into each other full force. Listen to The Podium on the iHeart app or your favorite podcast platform weekly and every day during the games to hear the Olympics like you've never quite heard them before. Curious about queer sexuality, cruising, and expanding your horizons? Hit play on the sex-positive and deeply entertaining podcast Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.

Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson-Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising, relationships, and culture in the new iHeart podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions will broaden minds and help you pursue your true goals. You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions, sponsored by Gilead, now on the iHeart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Thursday. In a world where TikTok didn't exist yet, that's as ridiculous as Noguñan Colores, Thursday. a Mexican writer become a symbol of global television? Listen to Nacional Leyenda, Chespirito, en la aplicación I Heart Radio, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you stream podcasts. Tosh Show. Hey guys, it's Daniel Tosh, host of The Tosh Show. It's time for another emergency pod. Eddie, hit the sirens. Bwaaah, ba ba ba li li pi, bi li li pi pi pi, yeah. Are those the sirens we've used? Why, I don't know, you have to look it up. You should have done that before we started the emergency pod.

I just got back from Tahoe. Now, you wouldn't know that from watching the show because this show now runs like clockwork. We're having episodes drop every Tuesday, 6 a.m. West Coast. But the reality, I was gone for one month. I was not here. And when I'm in Tahoe, when I'm in the mountains,

I'm off grid. My phone's in airplane mode the entire time. I'm getting no intel of what's going on in the real world. I'm up there with my R6 Cobalt. By the way, is Cobalt a sponsor of this show? Because they should be. Man, I love my 2023 Cobalt R6. All right, anyway, so I had a great time with my family

and friends on the lake. And now I'm back. And I'm told it was a busy month. Eddie, what I missed. You missed a lot buddy. Someone tried to assassinate Donald Trump. Whoa. Are you talking about his, uh, his character?

No, his ear. His ear. Well, I'm glad that he's still alive and I don't know if he can hear this or not, but that's, that's, yeah, that's big. I'm sure people have, have people been talking about it? Oh yeah. Yeah. A lot of banter.

A lot of back and forth. So that a lot of people have their take. Well, I tell you what, I'm glad God saved him. Has anyone said that? Have they been courageous enough to openly say that God saved him? Now, if, if that is true and that is what you believe, which I'm totally okay with, then you also have to accept that God shot him.

Oh, interesting. So, yeah, yeah, you know, mysterious ways. This is probably an unnecessary take to an assassination attempt, but you think about how many second amendment nuts would be at this rally, and I think the lesson is that there's not enough guns. We need more guns. Everybody.

Because clearly, that didn't help the situation. Here's another thing I'll say. When something like this happens to somebody like that, it always makes me feel good that I don't spend a fortune on security. Because if somebody can do that to a presidential candidate that has secret service, a former president of America, then what chance do I have? None.

If someone wants to take a shot at me, it's gonna happen. So I'm not, you know, I'll just stick with my ring cam and hope for the best. Anyway, you know, good job to everyone on his security team and your medals and walking papers are in the mail. Right? They didn't do a good job. All right.

What did I miss? Anything else? Yeah, we got a Biden dropped out of the race. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Started doing tons of drugs with Hunter. Now he's talking about revamping the entire Supreme Court because he's got zero fucks to give.

I hope you're right. I hope that old geriatric son of a bitch has the best time for his final six months in office Just starts paying off every kid's student loans starts mailing out abortion pills to everyone in the south Just banning shit left and right start making new laws guns are illegal. You're not allowed to stand during the national anthem Just really really go out with a bang. He dropped out, right? Right. So he is eligible to run again in 2028.

Technically, yeah. Oh, that'd be great. I think an older Biden, a wiser, more mature Biden, that'll be fun to watch. You know what? What really should happen? Trump should be like, Oh, because I was beating Biden, you have him drop out. So he should, he should be able to complain at that game. He drops out.

Huh? And guess who he gets to replace him? Who? You take a guess. Uh, Joe Biden? Did I guess it? No, no, I like that. He drops out, gets Joe Biden to run.

Oh man, the RNC would have a fit. People would lose their mind. People wouldn't know our eggs gonna get more expensive or less. I don't even know. Oh man. All right. I miss anything else?

The Olympics kicked off. No, I watched a lot of the Olympics. In Paris, France. Oh, beautiful. And the opening ceremony, that got people upset. In the moment, it didn't even register. I just thought they were just reenacting famous pieces of artwork. But that upset a lot of the Christians. You wouldn't make fun of Muslims like this. Well, yeah,

no shit, because they'll kill us. And you know, Christians need to up their game. You know, somebody tells a joke about about you and then you like strap some TNT to your chest and blow the whole community up, we'll stop making those jokes. I watched a lot of the Olympics. I'll be honest with you. I didn't tune into everything. I think some people will be surprised of what I was interested, what I wasn't interested in.

Let me say this too about, about the gymnastics between the male and the female. I mean, can we even call them women anymore? I mean, it's getting so complicated. Do you know what the only difference between male and female on the floor exercise is as far as I can tell? Do not. There's no music for the men.

No, they were too manly to have music. So they take out a few of those dumb elements where you're like after Simone Biles does 20 flips in the air, you know, then she has to strike a pose and do some weird dance for five seconds. They don't do that. And there's no music in the men. And the men do like one you know break dance routine but for the most part it's just get to the corners run and do a bunch of flips and try to stick it not go out of bounds and I just I can't help but think in my head they're like what why why can't the men like I don't think oh why do the women have to have music oh because they want to make it sexier for the women and men they want to make it cooler. Like we don't need music. We're not dancing. We're too cool for that. I disagree. I think we need music for both of them. I think, yeah, let's take off a tenth. If you don't shake your hips, fellas, shake your hips. What about surfing? Colin Joss was sent home because medical reasons.

What? Colin, Colin Johansson? He surfs? No, he was a correspondent. Alright, here we go. I'm gonna have to do a surfing rant. Tune out if you don't care. I love surfing. I've surfed my whole life. I don't tune in because the coverage is stupid. The announcers. I'm not talking about Colin. Colin might have done a great job, but they they always just trying to amp it up so much instead of going, oh, the surf sucks today, guys.

The reason the scores are 2.5 is because the waves suck. This, you know, if you're watching a basketball game and a team isn't scoring, the announcers aren't like constantly reminding you, these are the greatest athletes in the world. They're like, ah, these guys suck right now. This is a boring game. Charles Barkley, like this is unwatchable. So when it's, you know, head high and choppy, I'm not excited to see women's pro surfing in Chopu

when the scores are 3.4. Oh, somebody didn't catch a wave? That happened multiple times. Like somebody like, didn't catch a wave. No sets came in. Oh, that was a fun 30 minutes, wasn't it? Imagine if you're in track and field and they're like, well, I'm sorry,

there's no track for you in lane four. No, it didn't come, so deal with it. Here's another thing. So it was in Tahiti and it was at this famous break that is very dangerous when it's big and heavy. But they always do this in surfing, though the announcer was big. The water is only one inch deep

and only these people can surf this. And it's not true. It's just not true. Yes, when that place is firing, the lineup thins out. But the reality is all these places that they try to pretend are so impossible to surf. If there's not a pro contest, there's 200 people out surfing there

and they're having fun and they're not dying on every wave. It's one inch deep. If that person goes one more foot, their leg would be cut off. Shut up. There's a million other reasons I can explain why it's bad. Nobody watches, who has that kind of time?

So it's at one break and then there's two people in the water at a time. Imagine if they held the Olympics tennis tournament, but you only played it on one court and that's how long it was. Oh, okay, does anybody have 14 hours today to kill, to watch this? Like it's nonsense.

Tennis gets it right. If there's a star player, you get to play on the best court at the best time. And they don't care that it's not a complete even playing field that some other random guy plays some side court that nobody's watching, whatever. Surfing needs to adapt that. They need to be like, okay, here's the marquee players. They get to surf this break at this time and it all happens at one time. And the rest of the people are at some crappy beach break down the street.

Like, like get it going. And, oh, I honestly, I can go on. I watched the tennis and I was furious at the finals for men's where Alcares choked away two tiebreakers. You had Djokovic's number and then, and then to watch him fake weep on the court. Like he's just so calculated. I don't buy it for second. That's the problem.

I watched the Olympics and then I just become a hater. I don't wanna be a hater. Another thing I'm gonna say about the Olympics, I'm on a crazy tear here. All medals aren't the same. Can we agree? Simone wins a medal. Wow. Amazing.

And the parents and the sacrifices that they went through for this. That's amazing. But when I watch it and I gotta read it to make sure, kayak cross small. No, I, that look for it. It's a race in this, this kayak race and it's four people and they're in this, this little box that's 15 feet in the air. And then it, it, it, when it starts, it tilts down and the four kayakers fall off this thing, 15 feet high and fall into this little makeshift river. And then they all paddle like crazy and, you know, they bang into each other and

somebody misses a turn and, and the race is over. I'm just like, come on. I'm, I'm, I'm not, I don't want to see the story of what your parents sacrificed for this 40 year old guy to kayak this stupid little river. I wouldn't get emotional. My kid did it for my country in Kayak Cross Small. Come at me in the comments about that one, about justifying how important it is to some country.

By the way, did flag football start in the Olympics? Oh, I don't know yet. I didn't watch it. I didn't watch any flag football. I haven't seen any highlights. And why don't we send our pros? Send our pros for flag football. Oh, that'd be fun. I wouldn't mind. Or better yet, send our retired pros. Way better. That'd be interesting. I know that one guy got real popular during the Olympics, the Pummel Horse guy. He was kind of a nerd, but he was a specialist on that apparatus and he won bronze. But here's what I didn't understand about it.

When he would take his glasses off, I mean just immediately like, and then he does the routine. I'm like, well, keep your glasses on or get some contacts. You might, instead of bronze, maybe you're getting silver if you could see it. I almost felt like he was hamming it up. You think he was hamming it up?

I think so. I think he was hamming it up. Oh, so anyway, the Olympics, they were great. When do real sports start? No, soon. All right. So yeah, the Olympics. I, I so yeah the Olympics. We won the medal count and isn't that all that matters? Although China will be like, well we won more golds, but I don't

know that that's true. I think it's not officially over yet. Right. So whatever. Alright, that's the end of the emergency pod. Eddie, hit the siren again. See you in four years. The podium is back with fresh angles and deep dives into Olympic and Paralympic stories, you know, and those you'll be hard pressed to forget. I did something in 88 that hasn't been beaten. Oh gosh, the U.S. Olympic trials is the hardest and most competitive meet in the world. We are athletes are going out there smashing into each other full force. Listen to The Podium on the iHeart app

or your favorite podcast platform weekly and every day during the games to hear the Olympics like you've never quite heard them before. Curious about queer sexuality, cruising and expanding your horizons? Hit play on the sex positive and deeply entertaining podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.

Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising, relationships, and culture in the new iHeart podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions. Sniffy's Cruising Confessions will broaden minds and help you pursue your true goals. You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions, sponsored by Gilead, now on the iHeart Radio app

or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Thursday. There's something different about the conversations we have late at night. They often spin off in strange and wonderful directions. So what if those laid back conversations were with some of the biggest musicians in the world? Midnight Chance has already welcomed Taemin Parlor, Charlie XCX, Mark Ronson, Vince Staples and many more.

Join me, Stuart Stubbs. and me, Greg Cochran, as we talk to our favourite musicians about the things they don't normally talk about. Listen to the new series of Midnight Chats on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your favourite shows.