Tosh Show - Lane Kiffin is back!

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

The Lane Kiffin call-in show returns after almost 10 years as he hosts Kiffin's Kajun Kast alongside his ex-wife Layla. Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow

Welcome to Kiffin's Cajun cast. It's my very first episode of my new podcast, brought to you by Meandies, a ball hair trimmer and the governor of Louisiana. Now, it's been a minute since I've hosted my award-winning call-in show, but since I have all the time in the world this playoff season, I figured I'd dust off the old lane line, take some calls from the fans. Now, before we get started, I want to address the crimson elephant in the room. A lot of you might be wondering why I bailed on those boys at Ole Miss to take this job at LSU. Tigers, er! I want you to know it was the hardest decision of our lives. I prayed on it.

I said, dear football Jesus, give me the strength to make the right decision. Through you all is right. Should I fuck over these young kids, these fans? And God said to me, he said, Lane, you follow the money. Okay? And you guys know hot yoga ain't cheap. That's the only way I'm going to get around sweaty college girls anymore. Love you, Layla. So I did what any eagel maniac would do. I told my coaching staff, they had 15 fucking minutes to get their heads out of their asses and decide whether or not they were coming

with me to LSU or stay here at Ole Miss. Sorry about that. Listen, I wish them all the luck in the playoffs and not because it'll trigger a $1 million bonus paid to me by LSU, but you know damn well I'm going to poach half that team as soon as they lose. Look, people weren't happy that I bailed on old piss. But between a dog shit, Bama team bribing their way into the playoffs and Michigan's head coach door-dash and abortion pills, I'm pretty sure nobody will be mad at a little old Lane for doing what Lane does. I leave.

Lane leaves. That's what Lane does. I'm at the Louisiana State University. I don't think there's a finer football program on the planet. Alabama, Ohio State. Michigan, Notre Dame, Georgia. Okay, you've made your point. Listen, Baton Rouge is dog shit.

But you think that bothers me? You clearly haven't seen Oxford, Mississippi, or Tuscaloosa. You think Nick Saban stayed there when he retired? Hell no, he's living on a mansion on the coast of Florida. And that stays a tropical depression away from being worthless. At the end of the day, Oxford is a fine place to raise white children. But I just couldn't resist following Coach Sabin's size seven footsteps to LSU for a couple seasons to the players, coaches, administration, of course the fans at Mississippi State

or Ole Miss, right. The plan was always to leave. I'm just sorry it took five years for the opportunity to come along. 100 million dollars, Layla, you hear that? 100 million dollars LSU's given me. I started coaching in 1997 and I've been eating an unbelievable amount of shit along the way. What do I have to show for it? College of football fans who hate me, athletic directors and coaches who refused to work with me and a wife who wouldn't let me touch her for God knows how long. Thank you for coming back to me, Leila. I'll load your account right after this. I'm happy to report that since our last installment, my wife and I have reconciled. Layla wasn't excited to come here today. She didn't let me travel solo anymore after the alleged

shenanigans with Little Lane. Also, I told her the jet was going to Cabo. Now, we're going to open up the line for some callers. Let's keep it clean. I know how you SEC farm animals can get. Let's take some calls. All right, laying it on me. I'm going to miss seeing you in powder blue, you fist pumping twink. How the f*** do you still have a call-in show in 2025? Okay. All right, you're aboard the lane train. When that hick Louisiana governor bends you over and pounds your little slender ozempic ass, does he lube your shoot with binyagris? Come on now. Let's go. Let's knock it off. Lane, lane, go away. Come again some other day. pumped to have you at LSU.

I'm very interested in helping with the NIL. You know, nothing in Layla. Oh, what's she going to get it? Okay, okay. I apologize about that. Hydro-Layton across college football. Howdy, Lane? Can't wait to see what you do next season at LSU.

I know you're hungry for a win down there, but probably not as hungry as you are to eat et tufe out of Mike the Tiger's furry ass. Okay. Yes. You guys, why do we, Lay, why have I said the phone so far away can barely reach it? You're not doing anything. Hey, lame. Kurt Signetti here.

Yes. May they must chap your dick that I have a compliment. more in three meaningful games than you have in your whole pathetic career. Suck a fart, bitch. Hey, we're good friends. Alright, let's go. No lane, no gain. Hey, coach, a longtime Tiger fan that's excited to see the elite talent you track to LSU to run your up-tempo spread offense. And speaking of elite talent spreading.

Boy, I sure would love it if Miss Layla could shift in her chair just a bit so I could get a peek at her lady garden. Oh, that's my wife, again. Don't be such a prude. Go Tigers. Don't cut against the lane next caller. I wish you love beating ranked opponents as much as you love attention, you old spindly slut. You're the archmanning of coaching. Ah, yeah, I've missed you guys. This is, uh, this is heartwarming.

Hey, Kiff, fuck you. Alright, let's go. No lane, no gain. I hope you get swamp syphilis trolling for Poon on Bourbon Street. Miss the show. Uh. Lane, quick question. Will you fall off the wagon after you start getting your ass thrashed and barely go 500 in your first year? You 12 step failing.

Fuck up. Go, Buckeyes. Come on, man. Hey, Lane, long-time listener, first-time caller. I was just wondering who was going to be running your offense in the booth. Charlie Weiss, Jr. or the fucking governor of the state, you sell out piece of shit. Go balls. Yeah, Tennessee really holds a grudge.

I'd give Pat McAfee a quartermill to kick your scrawny nuts through those Walmart uprights on game day. I hope the next Katrina finishes you off for good, you upward failing nepo. Go for Lane. Hey, Lane, technical question here. What do the analytics say when you walk in on me dropping a load on Knox's mama? Trump and Epstein definitely f***. Come on, guys. Let's keep politics out of this.

Those boys at LSU are lucky to have you. I know you're going to treat them like a bunch of crawfish. I mean, I know you're going to peel their bottoms off and suck their heads. I hope you die of a prolapsed anus, you thin dick, twat. Go Caters. Oh, Jesus, man. Gainesville, you were number two? You were the second option.

Gainesville, I'll be there in a few years. Don't you worry about it. Go for Lainie. Lane, nothing but upside here in Louisiana. You might even make the playoffs for the first time in your entire career you inexplicably overpaid bridge burner. If enraging fan bases was an Olympic sport, you'd win the gold medal for every program you touched

turning to pure dog shit. Well, that was the longest caller we've had today. The following call is from an inmate at the Washingtonaw County Jail in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Hey, Lane, it's your buddy Sharon Moore. I appreciate all the advice on how to handle the situation with my barely legal mistress. Now I'm going to need you to break me off a few stacks for bail. Can't wait to join the LSU staff. Next will. Send it. Let's go.

Hey, Elaine. Ward Manuel, the athletic director at Michigan here, was wondering how ironclad your contract at LSU is. I want you to know that we have money too. And if there are some wiggle room, we would love to get your loose behold to Ann Arbor for a campus visit before the transfer portal opens up. End that call, Lela. It's inappropriate for the athletic director to call me while I'm at LSU. You call me on a burner phone, Ward.

Michigan is the worst at hiding shit Hey coach I can't wait for you to return to Oxford On September 19th to play the rebels Should be a fun game Have you thought about the amount of pubic hair You'd be picking out of every meal you eat while in town No I haven't Welcome to Louisiana coach

Remember Mardi Gras beads go around your neck Even though we all know you're gonna stuff them up Your stupid ass you was empty face piece of shit Roll time Oh Go ahead Who don't there there Lanny boy Gonna welcome you don't

Hey to buy you, Shara, baby. We're gonna bathe as a cool young, good time being all them that come home. And let's say, let's bon temps to get inside that little like why you watching like a cook, maize. Okay, I don't... Is that even English? Go ahead, laying it on me. Laying on me. What's up, coach?

I just got to say, your sobriety journey has been an inspiration. You really turned it around. And now that you've turned around, I bet you can't wait to bend over and get butt-fitting toddy-taughty ass face. Next. I can tell looking at you, we're the same man. We're on that Mississippi-O-Zempic. Fenn, no. Need a pony?

Because I'm holding. I'm clean. I'll pee right now. Lane, congrats on the sobriety. Four years without a drink is a great accomplishment. How many more years until your face stops looking like the stay-puff marshmallow man overdid the Botox? You dolly, roll-tide. I thought the face was, the swelling was going down.

Let's go. Lane, it's Sark again. Hey, Sark. Yeah, get me out of here. I can't stay in the same town this long. I'm not able to elaborate, but mistakes have been made. Please send help. I miss you.

Hang in there, Sark. You're just one good season away from all your problems being covered up. Looking far to having you in Baton Rouge. Would you mind making some tiger sounds for the fans? Not you, Lane. Layla. Okay, that's my wife. Not a kitty cat.

Maybe lick your paws and run them across the eyebrows while you make a nice soft burn. Yep. Next caller. Lainey, I always been curious, did you keep banging college chicks after that sweet thing to voice your pathetic ass in 2016? And any plans to slay some swampy bayou bitches or has your fruity ass come out yet? Hey, Layla, looking fine as it. That's a bad idea. Hey, coach, excited to have you in Baton, Root.

Rouge, man. You know, I know you had a tough decision, mate, and we're all praying for you. Praying you get your rotten dick chopped by a fan boat. Woo! Pig Suey! I bet a new fake dog would cheer you up. Nice tits, bitch. Lane, thanks for taking my call. You're welcome. You're an all-time favorite Florida Atlantic coach.

You've got the dog in you. By that I mean you suck actual dog dick. Hope you get gonorrhea, you pedophile. Hell State. Well, that was a horrible idea. make sure you like and subscribe go tigers you are belichick in yoga pants every decision i've ever made my life is wrong