Tosh Show - My Baby Shower Giveaway - Bri

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

Daniel showers expectant mom Bri with all his baby supplies. Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow Get 10% off Tushy with the code tosh at https://hellotushy.com/tosh

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Your husband told you that he'd been emailing a podcast, and now you have to go up to L.A. to get a bunch of free used baby stuff. Well, he told me it was Tosh. So then I was like, okay, that's fine. But I had to clarify I'm like, it's not Joe Rogan, right? Tosh. Tosh. Show.

Tosh Show. Welcome to Tosh Show. Our last one, everybody. Moken. I had bronchitis. Ed. Hell. Had to go on seven days of antibiotics.

You performed with it. Yeah, I performed with bronchitis in Aspen. Did you have a good time in Aspen? I did. It was cold. Well, that first day was fine. It suckered you in. That second day was horribly cold.

And then Pete made horrible mistakes with our travel. I mean, oh my goodness. Didn't factor in daylight savings time. Just a ton of mistakes. Now, night one, my wife was with me. and she went out to dinner with friends that happened to be in Aspen at the same time. Our kids go to school together, and there's a group of them, and I was so excited, because I always get excited when she gets to do something that I don't have to do.

Right. Because I had to work. Yep. So I walk her over to this restaurant, and she meets this group of people, and she's going to have a nice, fancy dinner with them. Well, my wife is a version of me as well, where she's, She can just put her foot in her mouth so quickly in social settings. You have to understand we're not socialites.

You know, we're Florida trash that got lucky. Okay, so here we are now in Aspen. And she's with this group of people and a bunch of, you know, tech bros, a couple athletes, whatever. They start talking about, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know the conversation somehow got to Britney Spears Justin Timberlake Uh-huh And my wife just starts telling the story

From the book about Justin When Brittany was having a miscarriage And Justin wanted to grab his guitar And just strummers Make a song? Just sing to her Yeah Justin's been getting hammered lately Sure, whatever

So my wife's just going in on this You know, just thinking she's just talking Like anybody else That would be making fun of Justin Timberlake But she's with this group of people You don't know Right, you just don't know. And sure enough, one of them just stops her mid-conversation.

And she goes, hey, I just have to say, I'm really good friends with Justin. And he's actually a great guy. And my wife's like, oh, you didn't let me finish. I'm a huge fan. Like, it's just so funny. What a better time to write a song. We're just so. Boy, she was going on about just everything that he's been.

and her perception of what she thinks he is. And then all of a sudden there's a guy that, hey, I'm actually really good friends with him. He's great. So why don't you stop shit-talking lady who's here with no husband? Oh, that's good. Oh, it was great.

I just love it when she puts her foot in her mouth. I wish I was there to watch it because I would have just enjoyed it. Anyway, here's an example of how regular I am. My daughter, had a birthday recently. And listen, I always thought I wouldn't be the person that has the stupid power wheels, but she wanted a pink power wheels Jeep.

Okay? And by the way, I hate just as much as anyone else when somebody in show business starts complaining about a company. Like, can you believe what Delta did to me? I was 45 minutes late to Atlanta. and just shame on you Delta. I can't stand it. Okay. Now let me do that exact thing.

Not Delta, although Delta, you're great, whatever. I'm going to shit on a company because what I did was I had a bad customer service experience and I was like, I'm not going to just turn this over to somebody, my business manager. I'm just going to deal with this like so many people in this country have to deal with dumb problems

and I'm going to just see how frustrated I get. Right. Okay. I order a pink ride-on Jeep power wheel Jeep for my daughter for her birthday. I know when her birthday is. I know how long they say it's going to take to deliver. I order it weeks and weeks and weeks in advance. Okay.

Have it ready. Yeah. And the company, get ready. for this, okay? And by the way, I don't want anything. I'm not doing this so that you, you know, send me free stuff. Now, I don't want it. The company is Garvey. Garvey. G-A-R-V-E. So I order this Jeep in plenty of time for my daughter's birthday and it gets delayed and it gets delayed. And then I'm tracking it and it says, oh, it lost its shipping label. It's going back. Oh, Okay. All of a sudden, it's coming. I keep telling my wife it's coming. It's two days or three days before her birthday and it arrives. And I see this package and it is just destroyed.

Oh, man. Stuff is hanging out of it. The box is ripped to shreds. It's been retaped a million times and I'm just laughing. And I'm like, okay. Now I've got to assemble this thing. And I'm looking at stuff. Plastic clips all. over the place that snapped are snapped and broken. The male female for the motor and batteries, one of the clips is completely broken. All of which I can make work. Right. I can work around it.

I'll get some electrical tape. I can fix dumb stuff like this. And I don't care aesthetically that it's not perfect, even though it's probably a $500 stupid ride-on toy. Right. Okay. Then it's missing a rear axle. Okay.

Axel. I can't fix a rear axle. No, you cannot. No. So we email them. We email them the day before her birthday on January 30th. And I want you to know that they reply, to resolve this as quickly as possible and rush the necessary replacement parts to you. We will do our utmost to get them to you before the birthday. And we've said when the birthday is, I'm writing these emails. I'm like, I'm just going to do this. I'm going to go back and forth to these people. They want us to take photos. Please mark the exact missing parts, the rear axle, all the broken dam. I do this. It's just a just. January 30th. Okay? Now, I know that this isn't going to air when I'm recording this. What's today's date? Today is March 24th. I still don't have the rear axle. Oh my God. I still have a disassembled Jeep in my garage. Do you know how much I hate clutter? Oh, yeah. This is, this is not a nightmast. Just so you know, I went on Amazon, ordered one that came within eight hours to my house, gave my daughter

that one. Here, drive this. It's not a garb, not as nice. No, it's a cheap one, but whatever. this is one she loves now and drives every day and the Garvey, she just walks by it and goes out that's the piece of shit She doesn't say piece of shit She's, you know, she's three years old But she's very she looks at it and she gets mad She'll sometimes give it a side kick

Mm-hmm But so it's been there months Months they haven't there are This is all look at this you guys I'm not making it These are my back and forth emails With them And I'm not I'm not asking

At one point, I'm like, just send me another one. And then when it gets here, I will take the old one that's broke. I will box it up nicely and send it back. And they don't even respond to those type of request. They're trying to rush the parts as soon as I'm like, you've, this is your business. You have hundreds and thousands of these. Just give us another one. Right.

That's not shattered and broken. And they never do. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to ask for my money back. I haven't asked for a discount. here, February 20th. At this moment, the part is still on its way from our warehouse, estimated to arrive and be ready for shipment in approximately 10 to 15 days.

That was over a month ago. Oh, it's just funny. It's just nonsense. You're talking to someone in China or in India. No, I know. You want me to give Trump a win in all his dumb executive orders that are meaningless that will all be erased the second he's gone from office? How about doing one that bans customers?

service to be handled overseas. If Trump did that, I would have to be like, all right, guys. That's a good one. I kind of like this. If he's forcing customer service to be handled by companies. By the company. Right. That's all we want.

Somebody's in that warehouse. I know this guy doesn't, but these emails, it's just endless. It just keeps going on. And I just keep laughing. And by the way, Garvey, just if you want to verify who this, who you're dealing with. You know what? This is Carly Hallam. That's my wife's name. You look it up.

Here's what we're going to do. When I get this axle, I'm going to build it. I'm going to get it complete. And then we're going to have a moment where I give my daughter. We're going to go out into a field with aluminum bats. And we're going to have our office space moment. Yeah, we'll get the music and everything. We'll get the music going.

I love it. That's great. And we're just going to just have a $500 party on it. what should I do? No, exactly what you just said. Yeah, that's great. That's great content. That'll go really far.

I mean, because I don't want to, I'm not asking for anything free. I just want you, whoever works at Garvey to look at my email chain and go, oh, wow, we really were fucking this little girl. Mm-hmm. And just say that out loud. Yeah. Yep. Like, oh, yeah. No, our birthday came and went.

We did nothing. We just kept stalling. We never tried to actually make it right. I mean, just send another one, you dummies. And they never did. I've, whatever. Good for them. Good for them.

They got 500 bucks from me. And I hate them and I hope that everyone that works there loses their job. But this is what people go through all the time. And I just kept laughing. My wife's like, well, why don't you just stop? I'm like, no. I got to see this through. Yeah.

By the way, I don't know if Garvey's on the hook for this, but the other day I have a bin in my garage with all the parts, the wheels and everything that hasn't been assembled yet because I don't have the fucking rear axle. Right. Guess what I find in the parts? I don't know. A snake. There's a snake in there. And I'm like, oh, no. And I don't like snakes.

Okay? But I'm the head of the household. Right. So what do I do? I go get my garbage picker from when I go on walks on the beach. I get my garbage picker and I grab him He didn't like that

Oh he didn't like being pinched So he's now he's like coiled up And in strike position And I keep trying to pinch him And then I finally get a hold of them And I fling him into my neighbor's yard That I hate You go you relocated them

Yeah relocated them They are not Better Business Bureau Accredited and their rating is an F An F rating Can you have lower than an F? I would imagine not All right Yeah

Again, I know everyone deals with shit products and I probably shouldn't order from them in the first place. But it was just a quick Google search and it was like, I was like, I wasn't going to do Amazon. And then I did this. I made a mistake. Fucked you. That's all right. That's all right. Maybe what I should do when I finally get the rear axle and I get this thing running.

If it runs, by the way, no reason to believe it runs. Yeah. I mean, everything was destroyed when I got it. But if I do get it running, maybe instead of destroying. destroying it. Maybe I give it to today's guest. You know, they reached out. They're having a baby. And, you know, one day that baby's going to need a stupid ride on. Right. I couldn't be happier about today's dump. This, this is my kind of episode, actually getting to rid myself of so much stuff in my house. Enjoy. You guys know I love a

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dedicated racers, bowling leagues, but for go-cards. K1 has an on-site paddock lounge with food, drinks, and arcade games. Visit K1Speed.com to find a location near you. I'll race you there. If my guest today appears to be glowing, it's because she has, child. She is a huge fan and also a huge freeloader. But she's doing me a huge solid by taking this mountain of baby gear. I've been storing in my garage for the past few months so I can finally park my Rivian back in there. Please welcome a pregnant woman and a Tosh show subscriber,

Bree. Thank you for being here, Bree. Thanks for having me. Oh, it's our pleasure. All right, Bree, here's the first question. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely. Seeing them. I've heard them. You've seen ghosts? I have. Really? Yeah. This is what I needed. I need somebody that's had a visual.

Okay, confirmation. When have you seen a ghost? So we went to a university, well, we met at a college called Cal State Channel Islands. And it used to be. Is that just up the road a bit? Yeah, it's like 45 minutes from here. Yeah, I've been there before. It's a pretty campus.

It's gorgeous. You drive up there, you're like near the naval base, right? And then you take a turn down this road and all of a sudden there's just this beautiful campus over there. Yeah. It used to be a psychiatric hospital. We saw so many things. My husband wasn't a believer at all. We were just dating.

I had a roommate that I swear I saw her come out of her room, turn on the light in the bathroom, and then go back in. And we both looked at each other like, that was really weird with like wasting electricity here. And then about like 20 minutes later, we see her come out through the front door. And we were like, where were you at? She said she was at Ross.

I was like, no, we saw you come out of your room, go into the bathroom, turn on the light, and then you walk back. And there's no way that she could have gone anywhere else because we were on the third floor. So there's only one door to get out of. So that was one of the first ones. Oh, Marie. I'm worried about this child.

I'm worried about this child. So many. My mom thought I was like a psychic growing up because I saw so many things. Pete? Your pre-interview did not uncover that we have a potential crazy person with us. Oh, no. Are you going to let your child? know that you believe in all these?

Like what if your child screams, Mommy, Mommy, there's a ghost in my room. Are you going to freak out as well? No, they're friendly. I've never met or like seen like a bad ghost. Oh, okay. So ghosts are on a bad thing. No, never.

That'll be fun. That'll be a fun talk you have with your child. Yeah. Explain to them. The guy that's in her closet is a friend. Don't worry about it. How did you meet your husband? And is he the father of your child?

Allegedly Oh We met at Cal State Channel Islands How long you guys been together? Ten years in September How are you been married? Two, almost two years.

Two years in May. When did you get the tattoo under your ring finger? Last year for our first Sweating anniversary. Oh, okay. Are you going to keep doing stuff like that every year?

No, probably not. Okay, that's good. Too much work. Yeah. You and your husband came to an episode of Tosh Point O. When was that? That was 2016, I think.

We were just dating like we weren't really official yet yeah we went to one of your tapings and it was like in this like really sketchy area of burbank no it wasn't it looked scary it wasn't burbank and it wasn't sketchy it was Culver City Colver City that's what it was LA's all the same to me

okay the first LA is all for LA this is bonkers Colver City is the least sketched place ever it looked scary there was like a bridge or something there was a bridge you're scared of bridges you're not scared of ghosts but you're scared of bridges

Bridges are scarier because you can actually, they're there in front of you. Huh. Okay. Bree? I want to get back to this for a saying. First of all, my show was taped at the Tennis Channel. Nothing is less scary than the Tennis Channel.

You came to a taping, but what I know is that you came to episode one of the season, which means that on episode one, we had to rent a different camera that was more expensive that filmed the audience. And then we put that at the beginning and end of every episode for the season. So every episode from then on was not, the audience was you. It was your group of people. There's one audience for the next 15 episodes.

And that's how we saved money. But unfortunately, for you, you guys had to sit there and clap for like hours of just like camera and I would go change wardrobes and then you'd have to, yay. I mean, it's just torture. Awful. I felt so bad for those audience members that came to the first episode. So now I get to repay it to you this week. Oh, that's good.

This is good. This will be a lot better. Your husband's a park ranger and you're a nurse. Yes. Which means you two will be able to survive off grid when the next civil war begins. I've been saying this. This is great. I plan the end of the world and I'm like, we will be fine.

Like with his knowledge and my knowledge, we'll be okay. Oh, that's pretty good. You can survive at all. Uh-huh. That's pretty good. Now, how long have you been a nurse? Four years. You like it?

It has its days. What field are you in? I'm an orthopedics right now. Uh-huh. Is that where you want to be? So far, yeah. I mean, I've been doing it for four years and I can't really see myself doing anything else.

But I like it because it's a field where you actually see people like get better and go home. I mean, you get like random things in between two. But like. It's not cancer and die all day long. It's not that. Right. That's tough. What about the ER?

You ever have tired of working the ER? Oh, it's too extreme for me. You watch the pit? I've seen a few clips of it. Clips? Yeah, I've seen clips on TikTok. Yeah, right. It's a great show I've heard.

I'm more of a St. Dennis Medical Center. It's funny and lighthearted. That's good. Good for you. When you come home work, you don't want to re-see the same stuff. It's depressing. Do you share work stories with your husband about what you've seen? Does gross things gore?

Does that bother him at all? Oh, no, I tell him everything. Okay. When I was in nursing school, he was actually like my dummy, so I'd practice IV on him all the time. I hated it. Yeah. My mom was a nurse for 60 years, and my dad never wanted to hear a single thing about her day because he didn't upset his stomach.

But I would love it. My mom would tell me just horrible things. He could handle more than I can. Do you think being a nurse is good or bad when pregnant? Horrible. It shouldn't be allowed. Can you like wander on the hospital and just like go listen to your baby's heartbeat if you feel like it? I can.

We have a little dopplers that we listen to here for heartbeats like in lower extremities to make sure that there's blood flow. And you can use that same doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat too. Have you done it? I have. That's good. Even though you were not planning on finding out the baby's gender before coming here today, I want to thank you for honoring my wishes and bringing a sealed envelope from your doctor, the gender of your future child for me to do with as I please that was my only I just wanted

to have it now here's what I think I'm going to do with this head on over to our Patreon page people that pay and I'll let you know I don't trust myself to open this in front of you and not and not like you'd be able to read what I'm thinking I just don't know that I could do it no you couldn't How about this? You name a dollar amount that you want. Say, say, if you give me this much, I'll open up and read it right now. How much is a college tuition right now? Whoa.

I hope he's a smart kid and gets a scholarship. You don't want to know if it's a boy or girl. No. Why? I don't know. I mean, you don't really get very many, like, fun surprises in life. Okay. This is the dumbest thing I heard.

I thought the ghost stuff was the dumbest thing. And then you hit me with this. first of all and you don't you believe your husband doesn't want to know either it was his idea oh good god that how those two peas found each other yeah here's what i don't get everything's a surprise like you're that day is going to be a surprise because you've never had a child and now you have a child and don't you think it's weird that other people know no actually you and the sonographer are the only people that know in the whole world right so they know there's another random person that knows what's inside of you.

That's true. And why is the gender what we pick that you don't want to know? What if it was twins? Would you want to know if there's twins? I would want to know if it was twins. Right. So, okay. So like where do you draw the line?

What if there's no feet? Would you be like, I wish they would have told me there's, there's no feet? That was quite a shock. Well, you don't get very many surprises in life. Here's a big one. Your kids got no feet. Well, that's how my grandparents did it. They didn't have all those.

Right. Because they're old. They also died of polio, you know? I mean, I don't know that I'm not saying your grandmother No, they're all still alive Still breathing So no party you wants to know Oh no, I want to know

I'm like dying to know But I'm trying to fight it It's literally there It's right there I want to Has it made your friends and family insane Oh yeah My mom is going nuts

She's like can you just like How about you tell the doctor To put the gender in an envelope you mail it to me and I'm the only person that knows like. What's your mom's address? Just give me your mom's address. I'll send it right to it. That's so bad.

Well, just tell her. I know. Just tell her. What are you doing? Don't torture people with it. It feels thick. Yeah, they said there were like ultrasound pictures and then it would say it on there. Oh, they zoom in onto the hog or the absence of a hog.

Hop secret. Top secret. Yeah. I mean, I bet you've been hold up to the light. Maybe you can see the outline of this. First of all, what do you want? Do you want a boy or girl? I want a girl.

That's all I wanted. A girl, too. All I wanted was a girl, okay? And then the day we found out it was a boy, my wife was upset. Like she was upset because she wanted a girl. And then for the next 45 minutes, I came up with names. And then we named her son. And then it was like she had processed it.

No, I didn't want her to go through that. The day it was delivered. I mean, we have names picked out. I know. Okay, but my point is, I don't want you to be disappointed the moment the baby comes out. I want you to be like, just like, you're going to be surprised right now. You're surprised when you open it. Surprise.

That's the surprise. You get it now. Then the day the baby's, surprise, you're a parent. Are you currently nauseous? No, not right now. Have you been nauseous? Oh, first semester was horrible. If I wait a little too long to eat, then it's there, but.

I hope your husband. been set with this question, but are you now in the horny phase? It's been like that for a while. And that's how we got here. Hasn't stopped. Good for you. Listen to them. They're just going strong.

Now, when are you due? July 23rd. July 23rd. Yeah. Is that a Gemini? Leo. That's a, wait, July 23rd. Leo.

Sorry, I was, is June 23rd a Gemini? Cancer. Cancer. It's cancer. Okay. July 23rd. That'll be an awful summer if it gets hot. It is, especially in San Diego.

None of the houses have insulation, AC. Are you from San Diego or no? No, we're just living there for now. Do you like San Diego? I do. I don't. No? Nah.

It's not my favorite. Is it? Yeah. That's great that you like it. Yeah. It's not my place. Are you going to have this baby in a hospital? Or are you going to do like a cool water birth?

No, I'm doing the hospital. That's the right answer. Too many horror stories. Yeah, yeah. Don't ever mess around with that. No, and as a nurse, I think, I've heard of, like, a nurse curse. Mm-hmm. So I want, like, all the medical intervention I need.

If you have a, oh, here we go, I'm going to hit you with a hard one. All right. Okay. And your husband might probably be on the other side of this, but whatever. We'll see. Let's say you have a boy, okay? Are you circumcising? That's a hard one.

Well, see, here's the thing. You need to make the decision now. You need to think about it now. I know. Okay. Now, do you know who you're talking to? Do you know where I stand on this issue? No.

You don't. What do you think? Which way do you think I stand? Yes? No, no. I'm a big don't. I'm circumcised in case you were wondering. Oh, good for you.

That's not good. But my son is not. You know, we don't do it. They say it's around 50-50% in this country now that don't do it. Just letting you know, if you don't do it, that's the right move. But also, it's not going to affect him. Yeah, it puts your baby through it. You're not going to be like, oh, his penis needs to look like his dad's penis.

By the way, is your husband circumcised? I'm not going to answer that. Interesting. Are you circumcised? Yeah, he's circumcised. He can answer. He said he circumcised. Are you planning on breastfeeding?

Yeah. Oh, that's going to be fun. Because it's just a hassle. I've heard. It can be a nightmare. Some people, like my second child, went right to the nipple, just fed like crazy. First child, my poor wife, just a nightmare. Then she was getting clogged ducks.

Yeah. And then I'm laying on my back on the floor and she's putting her engorged nipple in my mouth and making me suck violently to get it unclogged. It was quite the scene. I told him that's his job if that happens to you. It is. Oh, and then eventually it unclogs and you just get a mouthful. And it's like, oh, and it starts spraying. It comes out of like 30 different holes.

You know, we have lactation consultants coming to the house and the hospital has them. None of them are helpful. It's just a nightmare. But I wish you the best. I hope it's good. You know what this episode is going to be like right now, me giving away something? I'm kind of like white trash Oprah. It's like white, like instead of like nice things that Oprah would give away, I'm more like a garage sale.

Uh-huh. Yeah, where everything must go. You haven't been purchasing stuff yet though? No, we just got like a couple onesies and a couple toys, but that's about it so far because we have a baby shower coming up. Oh, this is, I've never been to a baby shower and I've never wanted to. You know, there's some baby showers where they start inviting guys, and I'm just like, fuck off. I mean, ruin my Saturday. But that being said, I kind of think I would do well in a baby shower.

Oh, they're fun. Well, I mean. They'll be coming to a Mexican one. That's what we're doing. Hold on, Bree. Are you Mexican? I am Mexican. Pete!

What did I say? Describe when your husband told you that he'd been emailing a podcast, and now you have to go up to L.A. to get a bunch of free used baby stuff. Well, he told me it was Taj. So then I was like, okay, that's fine. But I had to clarify, I'm like, it's not Joe Rogan, right? Just. You didn't want Rogan stuff.

I mean, I don't know that it might have been a lot better. Here's the thing. I'm not somebody that is, like, by the book. I didn't baby proof my house. I cut straps off of things because I didn't think they looked as good. You know? Like, I'm not. Safety is not fashionable anyways.

The changing table that's on top of the dresser to it. I didn't do that. Or I'm not, you know, a lot of times, what's the thing called where you anchor things to the wall? Anchoring? Yeah, I don't do. Okay, thank you. Oh, you don't talk down to me, Bree, with all your dumb ghost shit. I don't anchor things.

I don't do anything. I just need you to know that you're accepting things that might be technically, not the safest. They've been modified. Some things have been modified. Listen, if you plan on terminating this pregnancy after keeping this stuff, I want you to know your body your choice, but this is my stuff. I don't want it back. I just want you to donate it on to someone else, okay? I just need to state that for the record.

That's your prerogative, but I'd like the receipt for the tax credit. You got it. Thank you. Everybody's on the show gets to get a gift. And Bree is going to hit the jackpot today. All right. Let's start with first gift. Let's get this over here.

Now, this has slept two of my children. Hold on. That is beautiful. Oh, she's beautiful. Oh, it's going to be beautiful. Up, up, up, up on the table. Higher. There you go.

Look, I don't get that crib off my table. Okay, this is an oof. Is it o'e-f? Whatever. Uff is right. That's another thing with cribs. You have to just lay them flat. There's nothing.

This is set for an infant. Okay, now it's, I've got the attachment here for when you turn it into a big girl bed. So there's three, it's here. And then once they get able to stand up at like four to six months, then it goes down. And then you have to take this off. Then you have to put this on. So I've had to build it from this to the lower to back, then back to this, then lower than down. And then back up again for you, which fucking made you so mad.

Oh, so mad. Get this out of the way. That's gift one. Oh, we're cruising now. This right. Look at this. Little end table. You just put this next to your chair and you put your bottle on it.

And it's really, you know, it tips over real easy. So it's awful. But it's a Serena and Lily. Oh, Serena and Lily. You know what I feel like? I feel like when I'm at my house on Christmas morning and I'm passing out the gifts. I'm like, oh, let's do this one next. Here, who doesn't love a glider?

We were just talking about eating one too. Bree, get up. We'll switch your chair out. You're going to have a nice glider. Yeah, let your husband take that chair. Okay, look at this. This is nice, Bree. Oh, let me tell you, many of nights I've been in that chair

sliding back and forth with my kids. Both, I can't. And I'm not nostalgic. A lot of this stuff, you're going to need to fucking clean. This goes with that. You'll just need a puff. The problem with good stuff, like this high chair is prettier, but by the way, it's still fucking gross food.

on the side of the leg. Ugh, fucking came off. The problem with like, oh, it's wood and things are good, is the legs go way out so that they don't fall over and die. Like ours used to go straight down as a kid. And then you fall over and you die. But now they're like, these wives, you will kick this base because you don't realize

that it's sticking out so fucking far on the sides. And I took out the seatbelt because I don't do the seatbelt thing. Oh, you'll kick this thing so many times. God, I hated this thing. This right here, Sautja. Now, I don't know what you're going to do with it. This is my kid's rug. It probably needs to be cleaned, okay?

Professionally. It's a white rug. That's what my interior designer put in my... A kid's room. In a kid's room. A white rug. Is it $10,000? Maybe.

Probably. Probably a $10,000 rug. And it's fucking white. It probably needs one good clean. or you need to strategically place it to put something over it. But I was like, I am my son now, I'm like, you can't have a white rug anymore, bro. You're too disgusting. You didn't think you were getting a white rug today.

Yeah, you are. Oh, thank you. Oh, get that off my desk. This is bullshit that she doesn't get to carry anything off the death. Okay, give me that thing. This will be nice. Oh. Oh, you're gonna want this.

A baby grand. Oh, look at this. I remember when, what's his name? was on our show and he asked me about this. Like a little John Legend. Oh yeah. Do you play? That's good.

Well, listen, by the way, this baby grand, this comes down. Uh-huh? It's nice, right? It's very nice. Oh, it makes your kid look cool and they have that in their room. This is awful. This right here. You know what this is?

No. I'll show you. It's nice. All of a sudden, boom. They have a... Oh, or hotels? that i didn't want to put them in their own things or air bn bs or a friend's house and like they i wanted to sleep my room i just wanted an actual bed that that traveled that wasn't like a pack and play

this is that listen this is just when you have to oh you like it here speaking of which give me that pack and play look at this nice pack and play oh you're gonna love that baby bjorn they're a good brand that's this is what you travel when you when you go to your uh family's house that's all you that's nice Get this off my desk, Ed. Strollers are awful. This, what is this? What brand is this?

Bugaboo. Oh, I don't even remember. Why won't this thing turn? Oh, I could you figure out. There's a bassinet attachment to this somewhere. I don't know. That's what you have to have. It's just horrible.

It's just horrible. This stroller, but this one rolls nice. Bugaboo is a good stroller, I think. Look smooth. This, no, this thing, you're not going to like that. Oh, but then this, hang me this. This, when you have a second child or a cousin, see how many cousins?

She? A cousin two months before. Okay, good. Once they get old enough to stand, this straps down in the back, now they got a wheel to ride on the back. That's fun. Yeah, it's so, so fun. This is the stroll you're going to love. This is the stroll you're going to love. Okay, you got to get good at this. This one is, this one I'm good at. Okay. This, I never used it. That's for rain.

Who fucking walks their kid when it's raining? Not in California. Yeah, that's nonsense. We stay in that day. Okay? Oh, this is good though. Now this stroller, once you get good at it, you go like this. Okay?

Boom. Wow. You can do one arm. Like cool moms. Yeah, the car throw it. Okay? Oh, shit, there's dirt on it. No worry about that.

Now, this is the one that you're going to live by once the kid gets bigger. That is very nice. Oh, this one is good. This is the one that you live with. We're not even halfway done. Okay. Every mom needs a diaper bag, okay? But diaper bags are ugly.

Yeah. Okay? So, I got my wife a good bag. Now I'm giving it to you, but it needs to be cleaned. Okay. It's Prada. You like Prada? Oh, my gosh.

Boom. Look at this. It needs to be clean. But it's a more fun diaper bag than what everybody has is diaper bags. It's more fun. There's Prada bag. Thank you. You're welcome.

That's more for me. Hey, look at this. It doesn't matter. if it's a boy or a girl. Boys wear pink is my clothing line that I stopped doing. Yeah, but they're still full set. You'll look, you're going to need a lot of these. This is actually cute, though.

That is a cute one. No, we got, you're going to have a bunch of these. They're all over here. Yeah, it is cute. There's a thousand more. No, there's so many more. But you're going to need bins. You're going to need bins for things, okay? Do Mexicans get skin cancer? I think a couple do. That is a good question, though. Well, anyway, here's the

stupid beach thing that turns into like a half dome that you to fucking be in. It's like, oh, the baby and they can't have the sun. I don't know. Whatever. I fucking screamed the whole time. I'm like, it's shady. Why do we need this? Hey, this dumb thing. I love it so much because my friend Tom Papa bought this for me and both of my children learned to walk behind this dumb thing. Oh. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you. Seems like it has a little Latin feel. Does it not? It does. I feel connected to it. Yeah, I'm going to let that go over there.

You'll have fun with that. Don't worry that it's rickety. These are fraternity pants. Go ahead and see if those fit. We'll throw those on. This, you know what this is, right? You have to put this on the floor underneath the, uh, when they're eating or whatever. Oh.

Right. Catches everything? Yeah, yeah. That way you don't just, it's easy to mop or clean this up or you throw it away, whatever. I don't know what you do with it. I don't think I ever did it. What is this stuff? Look.

Oh, it's just. nothing cuter when a little baby's at a sporting event and you put the headphones on. Never once did I do that. Okay, here's some books. My wife forced me to read to my kid like 30 books a night. And she's like, you have to, you have to read to your kid all the time. I'm like, okay. And then we're at the one year checkup. And the pediatrician says to us, okay, now you should make sure you read at least one book a night. And I was like, what? My wife's been forcing me to read like 20 a night since the day he was born. And she's like, oh, that's probably good for him.

But yeah, you didn't need to do that. And I'm so mad. But my kids... I really advanced. 97th percentile in the country in reading. Okay? So, yeah. But a lot of the books, like, this is what my wife makes me read.

You know, we're so woke. And I know that's a bad thing for somebody. But like, look, the anti-racist baby. Brown sugar babies, you know? You can't have this kid grow up in Malibu, not what other people look like. I'm like, what? They know what other people look like? So you all have some fun stuff there.

Love it. You need a bunch of these things. Just organizers for things. Oh, these are emergency, like, oh-oh, you're at a restaurant. You put one of these things on, like, you had an explosion. You just put all the clothes in there like a hazmat and just be like, that will bring home with Titan knot. I needed that. Do this to your phone.

And then it lights up and the whole house looks pretty. never once did it first wetsuit oh it's so cute so small oh so cute little baby hugs here's what I'll say

about diapers okay there's just random tons of diapers but if you're ever going to splurge cotier

diapers and their wipes are game changer because their wipes are just so durable now don't flush them you'll fuck your plumbing up

but because they're basically a dish cloth But, man, Cotier, do us a solid. Send us a billion things I'll give it to her. This, this is, I don't know. She didn't need to see this. It's just more, it's more different betting options.

By the way, you've screwed yourself by not telling us what gender, because now you have to take both genders home. That's fine. We have a lot of friends having babies. All right, good. You know, one of these dumb baby scales things. Oh, the single worst thing I hated about being a father. It's the fucking drying rack.

Oh, just constantly cleaning bottles and pacifiers and nipples and whatever. Just dumps. And this just always by my sink with a hundred things sticking out of it. It's just, oh, this is a good gift over here. This your husband's going to like, this goes on the front seat. So your handlebars so they're right in front of you. You can control them. You can touch them.

That was a game changer once we got to leave the house. Like, oh, that's good. That's a good, tuli. Get this out of here. There's too much shit. Oh, here you go. Have fun with, oh, they fall in everything. Cover your sockets.

Get all this off my fucking desk. Okay, a lot of stuff there. This, I saw this and I just started laughing. My first kid, everything had to be wood because I refused to have all the plastic shit in my house. But this, it was a puzzle. But I just laughed because I was like, oh, I don't know how to do this. And I was like, well, I'm going to force myself to do it right now. So I did this the other day to put this back.

And it was just, it's just horrible. I don't know if a kid's supposed to be able to figure this out. That seems hard even for me. It's just the alphabet. But it's, I mean, it's pretty. It is kind of pretty. Oh, this is a good travel one. This one got a lot of use.

Also, infuriating when you do a step wrong. Do you guys want me to demonstrate this one? Yes. You know what that is? No. That is the butt. Oh, this. I like no idea what it could even be.

This is your travel chair for any, like, high chair. This goes into the butt. Oh, this is, this is fun. This is my last, my last raw. Doing it the right way. Why am I struggling right now? Now, here's the trick. Oh, if you miss this loop, you are.

This is good. This is good content. You put this on the Patreon page, man. They'll love it. If you don't embrace the sill. of this, you'll go mental. That just spins because now your kid is safe.

Ah! Back off. Why is that not going? Did it slide it in? No, stop telling me what to do. Okay? You're going to get fights. You have to embrace that.

Okay? Because no one wants to fucking hear you saying what to do from back there. This thing, oh, I've hung this thing on some dangerous ledges. Now guess what? Take it apart.

You got to do it all again. We'll be right back. Oh, here's a cute thing. You got the letters and then you write something like, hey, Johnny, welcome to the family or whatever. Aw. Hey, Johnny, welcome to the family. I don't know what. There's another cup holder.

What? You never have too many. So many fans. You're always hot. No, we need one. The babies. You stick them on things. Oh, look, the babies.

not so hot anymore. Do you ever call white babies what do they say? What do Mexican women's corn head? You don't come out? Yeah, I do. Pelozellos delote.

Is that what it is? Because when you're shucking a corn, the huts, the little whiskers. That's what you call, say white people's head. You don't say it. Listen. But we know of it. We know that it happens.

I think it's funny. I don't have a problem with it. I love my friends from Mexico that call my kids cornhead. Cornhusked. Cornhusk head. Okay. Oh, she's, what is in here? There's like tea party sets.

Oh, it's all wood. Dumb nightlight that has a thing here. These right here, are you going to go pacifier or no pacifier? We, on the first child, yanked his pacifiers at like, whenever we tried to sleep train, I guess of four months, five months, and then he just sucked his thumb. It was easy because they don't have to find a pacify. But then we couldn't break him of sucking his thumb.

At five years old, I had to buy these gloves, I have hundreds of these gloves that he had to wear at night so he wouldn't suck his thumb, okay? These aren't used. Okay, well, there's a ton of hats and there's toys that are heavy in there. This also seems, I'll be honest with you, a little Latino, if I'm being racist. No, we do. We love our outside decor.

We love our outside decor. Oh, my goodness. It's just endless. It's just endless the amount of you're going to have to just throw this stuff away. Oh, look at that. What is? Oh, she's creepy. Look at that. That girl. This guy looks like your husband, I think. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Rudy. It's a little Rudy. Let me tell you, I don't know where his pants are. Okay. You'll have to make pants.

I can make pants. You can make pants. Look at this. Black Lives Matter. This is the only changing table you ever want on top of your thing. Don't get the cloth ones that have this. It's just you can wipe. You can just wipe.

It's done. It's easy. This thing worked. Now it had the safety things that hooked around. I cut those off. But I mean, the amount of poop that I've, uh, that I've cleaned up on this thing, but I loved it. Baby gates, things, oh, that's horrible.

These are, you might not want these, but you're getting them. These are like railings for beds. If you want to put railings on, then this is like a baby gate for your house, if you want to block off an area. Guess what this is? More toys. Just tons and tons of nonsense.

Good luck. You want to know how cool my kid was? Look at this. wearing cigarette smoking Kurt Cobain. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So that's, you know, there's some cool finds. Very cultured.

Oh, look at this. You guys hike? You walk through woods? Sometimes. Yeah, well, put this on your back and look like an idiot. There's a radio flyer. The pedals come out for when they get older. I love that I still remember these things.

Okay. Put that away. That's choking hazard for right now, but you'll need those later. There's just some blocks that stick together, plastic, they're colorful. There's a hundred of these, okay? It makes a big area so you can rope them off. But they're not moving for six months, so enjoy that. This, my manager got my son.

Oh, it's nice. You guys like music in your family? We do. Okay. Well, this won't be good. But look, but it's pretty. It's pretty. Everything has a place.

Okay, my son broke this and I glued it. That's all I ever do. That's all I ever do. I say, I'll glue it, buddy. Don't worry about it. He starts crying. I'm like, I'll glue it. I don't know where this stuff goes.

Pete, is this an official drum set? Whatever, you got this drum set. It's fun. This table's going through it today. What else did I miss? I did. Yay. You're relieved.

All right, Bree, thank you for being on the show. Thank you for taking our stuff. I'm glad that your husband reached out and volunteered to take all my shit. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm very grateful. Uh-huh. Well, good luck.

I can't wait to meet. Hold on. What's his name? Wait, like both names? No, no. I'm kidding. I don't want to know their names. You want me peek in this?

Go ahead. You want me to? Yeah, just take a look. Let me just see what I'm dealing with. I'm so scared. I'm scared too. It's just hysterical if I know. I know.

and Rudy for being on the show today. I mean, Rudy wasn't on the show. Did you know that Rudy was from Nicaragua? Yeah? Learn something new every day. Can't be perfect. Oh, I love it. I love them.

They're great. I wish them the best. I can't believe I know what the gender their baby is and they don't know. That's crazy. I mean, come on, guys. Open the envelope. By the way, we forgot to give them stuff, Carl. I, E.U.

I left. I forgot. I have all the baby monitors. Okay? The cameras that you're going to need. I always like to have a two-camera shoot for my baby when they sleep. Okay? Got to get them in the line. Camera number one?

Well, yeah. You roll your head the wrong way and all of a sudden I can't see breath. I need proof of life at the six-month mark. Anyway, we got more stuff for you guys. I'll get this off my desk and then we'll send that to you. Pete, get that to them. It wouldn't have fit. Yeah.

I mean, do we have a photo of their truck? Oh, yeah. We have video. Okay. They brought, um, they brought a, a taco ma. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what we got, that's what people in the know call it. People don't say Tacoma. People in the nose call them Taco Ma. Tacoma. Taco Ma. You didn't know that? Yeah. We called Taco Ma.

We called Taco Ma. So people know your, you're, your hip. Yeah. You got to say Taco Ma. Anyway, they had a Tacoma. And anybody that has a Tacoma knows, you don't have a Tacoma knows. You don't have a lot. lot of bed space.

You don't. But we filled it. Man, did we fill it? God. And they drove all the way back down to San Diego. Uh-huh. Guys, they had it all, okay? She's Mexican, check.

Mm-hmm. Nurse, check. Yep. Park Ranger. Boom. First child. This is great. They got it all.

And they came to a Tosh Point O taping. Right. One of their first dates. You know what we should have done. We should have Dylan give him all of his little baby clothes. Because he wears shirts that, like, show his stomach all the time. If his arms go even to like

45 degrees, we're seeing stomach. If you threw him a Frisbee, you're seeing everything. Oh, you play Frisbee with Dylan. You might as well just fucking man. You're seeing his belly all day. He's essentially shirtless. Dylan's like that cool guy in the 80s. Drop top.

Yeah. Yeah, you know the one. He knows who he's trying to look like. Oh, he's spotlight. Anyway, what else? We've got some plugs. Fuck Garvey, that company. Again, I don't want anything from them.

I want nothing from them. I just want them to know that they're horrible. Patreon.com slash toss show. My first farewell tour is going on. I've been having fun. Currently, we're out there. Ed and I are doing it. Spring break rules.

That's right. It does rule. I can't believe it. Am I doing two shows in Akron? Yes. Am I doing two shows in, what's that other city that nobody thinks about when you think about Ohio.

Toledo? Toledo. Am I doing two shows in Toledo? Doing one show in Toledo. Oh, man. Toledo, you let me down. Toledo? That's a little slice of hell on earth.

They know it. They know it. I mean, I live outside of Toledo. Not far enough. Right. You're still saying Toledo. You're still close. Yeah.

What else? We got to toss show store.com. Got some cool merch. Hit the music. Nice. They love me, they love me not. Let's go, Ed. What do you got?

This is from a meow, meow, meow, meow, 420. So stupid. Yeah, no, that's what they got. But they got to love me. If you have a name like that, I know you're a fan. Very good questions from Daniel. He nailed it. He called it.

That guy stoned out of his mind. Oh, yeah. All right. What else you got? This is from SDO Studio. Okay. This could be a studio. Who knows?

Oh. This person's comment then carries more weight than meow, meow, meow, 420. Yeah, this is industry maybe. Okay. I sure hope Daniel's mother is right and we don't have another 30 years worth of this POS. And that stands for piece of shit. Piece of shit. My mom wasn't saying that she thinks I'm going to die.

She was just saying that it's not guaranteed. Every day is a gift. Right. That's why it's called a present or something. I don't know how that saying goes, but you've heard it. It's a ludicrous song. Yeah. As well it should be.

How often do you get ludicrous and Nellie confused? Because anytime somebody says ludicrous, I want to scream hot shit. Hot shit. I know that that's Nelly. Well, listen, I hope I live in our 50 years. Me too. Okay? But not more than that.

Yeah, 50 is plenty. Mm-hmm. Dead at 100. When do you want to die, Ed? 97. 97. Okay. Pete, when do you want to die?

100 on the dot. 100 on the dot. John? 101 just to beat Pete. somebody checks to see if Dylan's still alive right now I'm in the 120 130 Why not? Why not?

There's only one life, man You get one of those chips? That's not true You think you only get one life Dylan? Yeah No man, come on Believe in reincarnation You know what I don't want to do

Here's what I don't want I don't want I don't want to be one of those husbands That dies like the day after their wife dies Right That seems awful. Something tells me you won't. What? Something tells me you won't.

No, I feel like I'll get a new lease on life once she kicks the bucket. So years past. Well, that's what I'd like. Yeah. That's what you hope for. Pepin his step. Yeah. No, no, no.

It's what she'd want. Yeah. Keep hoping your heart. All right. Well, listen. I hope you and my mom are wrong. Unless you're one person, and that's my mom's burner account. That'd be great.

Shame on you, Margo. See you next week. Hold on, we got a phone call. Garvey. Yeah, that package is not big enough to be a rear axle. Yeah, you got to look at the packages. Like, that could be it? That's not.

It was small. That's small.